if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. if i havve the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains but have not love, i am nothing.
what does this really mean to me? to you?
i used to think "patience ministry" was really funny, like a biblical twist. until i came to know the patience ministerees- i don't know, okay? suddenly what seemed funny and apt and witty just seems downright mean, ugly, and selfish now. and i feel like a hypocrite, together with the rest- for talking about God's love til the cows come home or more likely til the church empties, and not giving it. not really living it. how many of us reading this can claim to be truly loving others, the Jesus way? i'm trying not to give myself excuses- his or her flaws, my tiredness, my human-ness, ME ME ME ME ME. always in the way of humility. of giving and forgiving. !! "i'm trying to love" is simply not good enough- cos it means i'm just not loving! love is an act of the will. how many times have i heard that, and let it pass me by, ignorant?
patience was never meant to be a bad word. it is now used to connote hopelessness, reluctance, exasperation. why do we corrupt what is good?
arggh you can ignore me just like i ignored what i read in the bible, or just skip this over like i skipped over the sermons on love. it's always easy to ignore these until we come face to face with human needs. i'm not perfect- why should i expect her to be? why do i choose only to see her flaws? why am i not choosing to love her?
love is PATIENT, is KIND. it does NOT ENVY, it does NOT BOAST, it is NOT PROUD. it is NOT RUDE, it is NOT SELF-SEEKING, it is NOT EASILY ANGERED, it keeps NO RECORD of wrongs. It ALWAYS PROTECTS, ALWAYS TRUSTS, ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS PERSEVERES.
- to quote someone: "it's been done to death and you still don't get it." i WILL choose to love- not grudgingly, cos love grudgingly is at best an oxymoron- at worst and honestly, it doesn't mean anything. hot air. Jesus came to love those people found hard to love- and he wasn't shuddering when he went into Zaccheus' home, he said with enthusiasm, "i MUST go to your house tonight" and he just loved loved loved him. it didn't make any sense to me, deep within me, until it hit home tonight. until she spoke from her heart and i was cut, not because she criticised me, not because she complained, but just because she was honest and i was not. she was in pain and all along i was so blind.
i dont want to be a white washed tomb, i dont want to see people one-sided and label them. i don't want to clatter about love and not be love just the way Jesus Is Love.
felicia is love. does that make any sense? substitute it with your name, does it make sense to you? God's love is senseless, is ridiculous, extravagantly so.
i dont want to be a hypocrite. watch my words, thoughts, heart and deed. "i will love."
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
silence
words have left me, the pool is barren
an emptiness of sound
barren of echoes.
pervading silence like a chilly draught
flooding gray through the window grills.
white silence
paves the polished path
for a broken word to
shatter it;
the way a pebble might ruffle
the edges of a pool.
will you drop in
with a note fluttering up a smile?
just one thing, out of this browsing array
of matter and sound;
just one word, and monotony be pierced.
an emptiness of sound
barren of echoes.
pervading silence like a chilly draught
flooding gray through the window grills.
white silence
paves the polished path
for a broken word to
shatter it;
the way a pebble might ruffle
the edges of a pool.
will you drop in
with a note fluttering up a smile?
just one thing, out of this browsing array
of matter and sound;
just one word, and monotony be pierced.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
many things to mind
thoroughly enjoyed myself these two weeks. at church camp. it wasnt all high and all, but i enjoy the friendship, the fellowship, the revelations. like Mary, i will hide these things in my heart. i love my groups STOMP and BUBBLES. and my roomies at junior camp: gwen, cheryl and weixin. i can really see each of them growing, im so glad they are so mature, stable, i dunno how to describe it. like each member of HOT has this strength about them- not giggly wiggly squirmy girls but girls with CHARACTER and fortitude and wisdom and peace. aww.
then there was hannah and nikki and gerry. first two in each of my camp groups, and it rocked getting to know them in a deeper way. i think its the first camp i really REALLY made friends with people outside of my cell groups. you know? 2006 rocks. my God boulders! ;p
gerry is in thailand now but she'l be back tomorrow. gerry has more good food than the whole Kota Tinggi Dining Kitchen- stashed in her classic red suitcase. haha. she rocks awesome.
ahlee joined us on day3 and roomed with us. was feeling really dry on day 2 night so i was really glad to see her in the afternoon. friends really pull you out of ditches at the right times. thank you ahlee, for being that kind of a true friend.
went out with luke today! thank you friend for bearing with the phone call and the random rushes to chinatown point and cine and air hockey!? haha. All in a Day's Work. funny how we dont run out of things to talk about. cool i mean.
suyan tungene terence and the other mission trippers are flying off in 2 hrs time to Chiangmai for a mission trip. God open their eyes to see YOU in the little things they do and see. Touch their hearts and use them to be your fingers that touch those around them with a smile.
im going to JB tomorrow for a shopping trip! yay! leaving the house at 9am. well, that's reason enough to sleep now. especially since there's inexhaustible stuff to update. it has been such a compressed week full of stuff to digest, internalise, reject, pack, unpack.
i want to come up with a poetic line about NOW. but words fail me.
then there was hannah and nikki and gerry. first two in each of my camp groups, and it rocked getting to know them in a deeper way. i think its the first camp i really REALLY made friends with people outside of my cell groups. you know? 2006 rocks. my God boulders! ;p
gerry is in thailand now but she'l be back tomorrow. gerry has more good food than the whole Kota Tinggi Dining Kitchen- stashed in her classic red suitcase. haha. she rocks awesome.
ahlee joined us on day3 and roomed with us. was feeling really dry on day 2 night so i was really glad to see her in the afternoon. friends really pull you out of ditches at the right times. thank you ahlee, for being that kind of a true friend.
went out with luke today! thank you friend for bearing with the phone call and the random rushes to chinatown point and cine and air hockey!? haha. All in a Day's Work. funny how we dont run out of things to talk about. cool i mean.
suyan tungene terence and the other mission trippers are flying off in 2 hrs time to Chiangmai for a mission trip. God open their eyes to see YOU in the little things they do and see. Touch their hearts and use them to be your fingers that touch those around them with a smile.
im going to JB tomorrow for a shopping trip! yay! leaving the house at 9am. well, that's reason enough to sleep now. especially since there's inexhaustible stuff to update. it has been such a compressed week full of stuff to digest, internalise, reject, pack, unpack.
i want to come up with a poetic line about NOW. but words fail me.
Friday, December 08, 2006
when ends meet
i would go back,
i would return
to where the gray was water
and the pages fresh white
like newly soaked linen in air.
return to unseeing ignorance,
to the dry path before the rain
speckled it as it fell in torrents.
walk backwards down the trodden path
like mimicking faces in a rewinding black and white film
retracing the cobbled and crushing steps.
return to empty glass bottles
before they were shards
before they were filled with sand
before things became mementos
before words were written and said
Hour-glass, breathe up your sands;
Pages, flip not to the thin, worn, end;
Rain, the skies make roomier palaces
on vapours to spend. please, do not descend.
why do all things splatter when they fall/ hitting the cold hard real ground/ i can't run from the rain metaphor/ how does it feel like as the raindrop headed for the brawl?/ i suppose when all things thaw/ there's always the wall to break your fall.
i would return
to where the gray was water
and the pages fresh white
like newly soaked linen in air.
return to unseeing ignorance,
to the dry path before the rain
speckled it as it fell in torrents.
walk backwards down the trodden path
like mimicking faces in a rewinding black and white film
retracing the cobbled and crushing steps.
return to empty glass bottles
before they were shards
before they were filled with sand
before things became mementos
before words were written and said
Hour-glass, breathe up your sands;
Pages, flip not to the thin, worn, end;
Rain, the skies make roomier palaces
on vapours to spend. please, do not descend.
why do all things splatter when they fall/ hitting the cold hard real ground/ i can't run from the rain metaphor/ how does it feel like as the raindrop headed for the brawl?/ i suppose when all things thaw/ there's always the wall to break your fall.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
gorgeous glorious.
oohlala. pavlova! erica just left my place. she said something about it fills her with a quiet, meditative zen feel. like she'll go and take a long, solo walk in the woods kind of thing. haha. is it the silence due to the lack of vehicular traffic or human traffic? i think i want to write a book called "The Chronic Silence". hmm. chewy thing to think about. in the meantime, :) feast your eyes on pavlova with a halo. (while i feast my tastebuds.)
can't go cycling/ blading with studio 8! sadness. :( hope after the camps n before xmas i have some time to spend!
ima zoo.
?!?!?! i told you i was battling a moth? i hit it with newspaper after it buzzed into my face about 26 times and it died. NOW a Cat walks in! at 2:52AM into my living room!! its white with a black tipped tail hahahahaa oh my gosh i feel like im in a zoo, or im The Animal in the zoo and all these creatures are coming in for viewing pleasure. thank goodness it walked out again and i hurriedly shut the door my gosh. CAT?! excuse me?? this is surreal ahaha. i so do NOT like bunking with cats. 3am is a scary place to be.
chocolate pavlova tomorrow with erica!! no idea what it is, but since it sounds so exotic, she should know what to do about it la. haha.
dear God, please keep them creatures away. it's okay with me if you decide to populate heaven with them later on, but for now, please keep them at bay.
chocolate pavlova tomorrow with erica!! no idea what it is, but since it sounds so exotic, she should know what to do about it la. haha.
dear God, please keep them creatures away. it's okay with me if you decide to populate heaven with them later on, but for now, please keep them at bay.
mothballs, anyone? i'll throw it like hail.
suggested poster for USP Xcite! bazaar to be held next feb. (yah, the poster sayeth so) took me 5 hours. haha any comments? hmm. slept 3 hours today in the afternoon. before that i had a publicity meeting for this abovementioned poster with jian and eevon, and then i went for my driving theory evaluation. next step: theory test! driving is such a bore. maybe the theory aspect of it la. but given my next-to-being-blind navigational skills, im not sure the practical will be much better. haha.
erica's coming over tmr!!! :) :) havent seen her in ages. we're gonna make accessories and if they're gorgeous i'll show them at figeaters.blog and sell em! lala. topic of the day: life after exams- restive or festive? i say.. neither. STUPID BLACK MOTH!!!! it keeps coming right at me 1! RERUWwER ACCK!! shiver and shudder GO AWAY. okay sorry for that interruption. its still fluttering near me! so i can only type a few lines and run away from it then come back and type somemore SO disruptive! SG#!RFDR@!!
eeyer im in no mood to blog already. i miss woh woh. i miss having time to spend for my own without having to carve out time all the time for things i dont want to do. ok la. i'l go mope. haha. night.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
look out the window and breathe
EVERYBODY HEAR THIS. I-AM-FREE!!! every ounce of me gets rest! gets to eat in peace without rushing! gets to run and swim and tan and bake and draw and play the piano and sing sing sing without feeling guilty! gets to shop and talk and go out without feeling its a waste of time! gets to wake up in the morning as and when i want to without setting an alarm clock!!! yay!!! i can breathe now, i can see clearer now the rain has gone. hahah.
just came from cheryl seah n junen's house. spent a short time there, after my parent's cg were held at their place. haha. cheryl is so witty, amusing, quirky, honest, so refreshing. love her to bits. i asked her whether she wanted to do carolling at the zoo on 24/25 december, and she said
her: "nah! i can't sing for nuts, my brother knows that. only a bathroom singer."
me: "that's how it starts!"
her: "..that's how it ends."
hahaa. good conversations are rare. i appreciate it. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
just came from cheryl seah n junen's house. spent a short time there, after my parent's cg were held at their place. haha. cheryl is so witty, amusing, quirky, honest, so refreshing. love her to bits. i asked her whether she wanted to do carolling at the zoo on 24/25 december, and she said
her: "nah! i can't sing for nuts, my brother knows that. only a bathroom singer."
me: "that's how it starts!"
her: "..that's how it ends."
hahaa. good conversations are rare. i appreciate it. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
i thanks you.
just got back home! celebrated dad's bday today at crystal jade at suntec. haha. so full. the first time we really kinda talked and laughed over dinner, maybe. hmm. thanks God. happy birthday dad. sorry im rude at times, impatient and disorganised. and always forgetful. but i do appreciate all the stuff you do- the talks in the car rides, the nicely cut up fruits you give me in a bowl, your reminders to drink water and your prayers just before my papers. God honours a faithful man and.. thank you. i feel very blessed. having said that, i do wonder why i did. its not likely he'll ever see this. ha. hm. and if he did i think i'd relocate. hahaa. a narcisstic reminder to myself to be appreciative of all his fatherly gestures? perhaps, perhaps.
-
you know a scary thought i have sometimes? that i'd die a sudden unnatural death. and sometimes i feel so compelled to leave messages to people - unspoken things, in my diaries or in this blog (but not really- this is much too public domain for me to comfortably slip in private thoughts).. i don't know. is it only me being overly imaginative and dismal? or do you think about it too? if my atheistic JC lit teacher ever taught me anything, it is firstly a sensitivity to Words- its craft, its nuances, its symbols and richness. and secondly, a line of a poem by phillip larkin: love unused, in unsaid words.
it's true isn't it? love only exists as something spent.
-
dunno why im getting so emo in writing. i feel perfectly fine. maybe one of those nagging desires inside of me to become a writer. one day, some way. rem koolhaus inspires me, peter zumthor as well. they are excellent architects and excellent writers. haha. excellent UNTIL today i heard someone talking about koolhaus having an affair. it happened with louis kahn (3 wives!), and now with koolhaus. what is it with architects. Men. *grimace*. haha. i think writing about things or being able to assume identities by typing in virtual space is a healthy mask sometimes- we feel less of the need to guard ourselves in social interactions, and this may sometimes result in us being more honest with people than in normal daily circumstances. its like detaching ourselves from a physical thing, and through that, gaining a fresh perspective. Perspective comes with distance i think. both in a physical way - we observe visual perspective only when we stand a certain distance on a street from a particular building, and we gain intellectual perspective when we divorce ourselves ever so little from the daily things we are so ingrained with. the hodge-podge of our life, like a mud pool which we soak in- the chores, the studying, the chit chat, the lunches and dinners, the numerous activities.
-
well i'm glad one of my friendship troubles are more or less resolved. i do enjoy myself in studio 8. they are good friends i can trust. friends who are not manipulative, malice-ridden or scheming. sini :) xuezhen yang chongji hazwan ji yingying kailun chinghei thao sheena you have been a wonderful bunch- im so glad aki started this way for me. something to remember, treasure and be glad about. ( i was counting and wondering why there are only 11 names when there are 12 people in studio 8. DOH.) i was less relaxed in rj i think, except with the hockey gals and dicky and cherie, i guess.
haha. maybe i was inspired by sini's blog, eh? ;) ketchup with you after exams girl. saturday! press on. and monday at your house- confirmed right? i will email the rest once you give the nod! see you tmr at studio. let's chiong through this last lap.!
jay chou's anjing keeps playing in my mind. hahaha. addicted, aren't i?
translated the last lines would go something like this:
yet i will not hinder your leave/
to love you is a release.
haha i tried to make it more poetic in english. could you tell? geez. i look at the english translations on the net like "memories of us have grown hair bulbs" in translation of jaychou's Black Sweater song, or "i really don't have talent to keep quiet so fast", (LITERALLY in place of wo zhen de mei you tian fen, an jing de mei zhe me kuai) and i laugh and cringe alternately. hahaha.
-
you know a scary thought i have sometimes? that i'd die a sudden unnatural death. and sometimes i feel so compelled to leave messages to people - unspoken things, in my diaries or in this blog (but not really- this is much too public domain for me to comfortably slip in private thoughts).. i don't know. is it only me being overly imaginative and dismal? or do you think about it too? if my atheistic JC lit teacher ever taught me anything, it is firstly a sensitivity to Words- its craft, its nuances, its symbols and richness. and secondly, a line of a poem by phillip larkin: love unused, in unsaid words.
it's true isn't it? love only exists as something spent.
-
dunno why im getting so emo in writing. i feel perfectly fine. maybe one of those nagging desires inside of me to become a writer. one day, some way. rem koolhaus inspires me, peter zumthor as well. they are excellent architects and excellent writers. haha. excellent UNTIL today i heard someone talking about koolhaus having an affair. it happened with louis kahn (3 wives!), and now with koolhaus. what is it with architects. Men. *grimace*. haha. i think writing about things or being able to assume identities by typing in virtual space is a healthy mask sometimes- we feel less of the need to guard ourselves in social interactions, and this may sometimes result in us being more honest with people than in normal daily circumstances. its like detaching ourselves from a physical thing, and through that, gaining a fresh perspective. Perspective comes with distance i think. both in a physical way - we observe visual perspective only when we stand a certain distance on a street from a particular building, and we gain intellectual perspective when we divorce ourselves ever so little from the daily things we are so ingrained with. the hodge-podge of our life, like a mud pool which we soak in- the chores, the studying, the chit chat, the lunches and dinners, the numerous activities.
-
well i'm glad one of my friendship troubles are more or less resolved. i do enjoy myself in studio 8. they are good friends i can trust. friends who are not manipulative, malice-ridden or scheming. sini :) xuezhen yang chongji hazwan ji yingying kailun chinghei thao sheena you have been a wonderful bunch- im so glad aki started this way for me. something to remember, treasure and be glad about. ( i was counting and wondering why there are only 11 names when there are 12 people in studio 8. DOH.) i was less relaxed in rj i think, except with the hockey gals and dicky and cherie, i guess.
haha. maybe i was inspired by sini's blog, eh? ;) ketchup with you after exams girl. saturday! press on. and monday at your house- confirmed right? i will email the rest once you give the nod! see you tmr at studio. let's chiong through this last lap.!
jay chou's anjing keeps playing in my mind. hahaha. addicted, aren't i?
translated the last lines would go something like this:
yet i will not hinder your leave/
to love you is a release.
haha i tried to make it more poetic in english. could you tell? geez. i look at the english translations on the net like "memories of us have grown hair bulbs" in translation of jaychou's Black Sweater song, or "i really don't have talent to keep quiet so fast", (LITERALLY in place of wo zhen de mei you tian fen, an jing de mei zhe me kuai) and i laugh and cringe alternately. hahaha.
i thanks you.
just got back home! celebrated dad's bday today at crystal jade at suntec. haha. so full. the first time we really kinda talked and laughed over dinner, maybe. hmm. thanks God. happy birthday dad. sorry im rude at times, impatient and disorganised. and always forgetful. but i do appreciate all the stuff you do- the talks in the car rides, the nicely cut up fruits you give me in a bowl, your reminders to drink water and your prayers just before my papers. God honours a faithful man and.. thank you. i feel very blessed. having said that, i do wonder why i did. its not likely he'll ever see this. ha. hm. and if he did i think i'd relocate. hahaa. a narcisstic reminder to myself to be appreciative of all his fatherly gestures? perhaps, perhaps.
-
you know a scary thought i have sometimes? that i'd die a sudden unnatural death. and sometimes i feel so compelled to leave messages to people - unspoken things, in my diaries or in this blog (but not really- this is much to public domain for me to comfortably slip in private thoughts).. i don't know. is it only me being overly imaginative and dismal? or do you think about it too? if my atheistic JC lit teacher ever taught me anything, it is firstly a sensitivity to Words- its craft, its nuances, its symbols and richness. and secondly, a line of a poem by phillip larkin: love unused, in unsaid words.
it's true isn't it? love only exists as something spent.
-
dunno why im getting so emo in writing. i feel perfectly fine. maybe one of those nagging desires inside of me to become a writer. one day, some way. rem koolhaus inspires me, peter zumthor as well. they are excellent architects and excellent writers. haha. until today i heard someone talking about koolhaus having an affair. it happened with louis kahn (3 wives!), and now with koolhaus. what is it with architects. Men. *grimace*. haha. i think writing about thing or typing things out in virtual space is a healthy mask sometimes- we feel less of the need to guard ourselves in social interactions, and this may sometimes result in us being more honest with people than in normal daily circumstances. its like detaching ourselves from a physical thing, and through that, gaining a fresh perspective. Perspective comes with distance i think. both in a physical way - we observe visual perspective only when we stand a certain distance on a street from a particular building, and we gain intellectual perspective when we divorce ourselves ever so little from the daily things we are so ingrained with. the hodge-podge of our life, like a mud pool which we soak in- the chores, the studying, the chit chat, the lunches and dinners, the numerous activities.
-
well i'm glad one of my friendship troubles are more or less resolved. i do enjoy myself in studio 8. they are good friends i can trust. friends who are not manipulative, malice-ridden or scheming. sini :) xuezhen yang chongji hazwan ji yingying kailun chinghei thao sheena you have been a wonderful bunch- im so glad aki started this way for me. something to remember, treasure and be glad about. ( i was counting and wondering why there are only 11 names when there are 12 people in studio 8. DOH.) i was less relaxed in rj i think, except with the hockey gals and dicky and cherie, i guess.
haha. maybe i was inspired by sini's blog, eh? ;) ketchup with you after exams girl. saturday! press on. and monday at your house- confirmed right? i will email the rest once you give the nod! see you tmr at studio. let's chiong through this last lap.!
jay chou's anjing keeps playing in my mind. hahaha. addicted, aren't i?
translated the last lines would go something like this:
yet i will not hinder your leave/
to love you is a release.
haha i tried to make it more poetic in english. could you tell? geez. i look at the english translations on the net like "memories of us have grown hair bulbs" in translation of jaychou's Black Sweater song, or "i really don't have talent to keep quiet so fast", (LITERALLY in place of wo zhen de mei you tian fen, an jing de mei zhe me kuai) and i laugh and cringe alternately. hahaha.
-
you know a scary thought i have sometimes? that i'd die a sudden unnatural death. and sometimes i feel so compelled to leave messages to people - unspoken things, in my diaries or in this blog (but not really- this is much to public domain for me to comfortably slip in private thoughts).. i don't know. is it only me being overly imaginative and dismal? or do you think about it too? if my atheistic JC lit teacher ever taught me anything, it is firstly a sensitivity to Words- its craft, its nuances, its symbols and richness. and secondly, a line of a poem by phillip larkin: love unused, in unsaid words.
it's true isn't it? love only exists as something spent.
-
dunno why im getting so emo in writing. i feel perfectly fine. maybe one of those nagging desires inside of me to become a writer. one day, some way. rem koolhaus inspires me, peter zumthor as well. they are excellent architects and excellent writers. haha. until today i heard someone talking about koolhaus having an affair. it happened with louis kahn (3 wives!), and now with koolhaus. what is it with architects. Men. *grimace*. haha. i think writing about thing or typing things out in virtual space is a healthy mask sometimes- we feel less of the need to guard ourselves in social interactions, and this may sometimes result in us being more honest with people than in normal daily circumstances. its like detaching ourselves from a physical thing, and through that, gaining a fresh perspective. Perspective comes with distance i think. both in a physical way - we observe visual perspective only when we stand a certain distance on a street from a particular building, and we gain intellectual perspective when we divorce ourselves ever so little from the daily things we are so ingrained with. the hodge-podge of our life, like a mud pool which we soak in- the chores, the studying, the chit chat, the lunches and dinners, the numerous activities.
-
well i'm glad one of my friendship troubles are more or less resolved. i do enjoy myself in studio 8. they are good friends i can trust. friends who are not manipulative, malice-ridden or scheming. sini :) xuezhen yang chongji hazwan ji yingying kailun chinghei thao sheena you have been a wonderful bunch- im so glad aki started this way for me. something to remember, treasure and be glad about. ( i was counting and wondering why there are only 11 names when there are 12 people in studio 8. DOH.) i was less relaxed in rj i think, except with the hockey gals and dicky and cherie, i guess.
haha. maybe i was inspired by sini's blog, eh? ;) ketchup with you after exams girl. saturday! press on. and monday at your house- confirmed right? i will email the rest once you give the nod! see you tmr at studio. let's chiong through this last lap.!
jay chou's anjing keeps playing in my mind. hahaha. addicted, aren't i?
translated the last lines would go something like this:
yet i will not hinder your leave/
to love you is a release.
haha i tried to make it more poetic in english. could you tell? geez. i look at the english translations on the net like "memories of us have grown hair bulbs" in translation of jaychou's Black Sweater song, or "i really don't have talent to keep quiet so fast", (LITERALLY in place of wo zhen de mei you tian fen, an jing de mei zhe me kuai) and i laugh and cringe alternately. hahaha.
i thanks you.
just got back home! celebrated dad's bday today at crystal jade at suntec. haha. so full. the first time we really kinda talked and laughed over dinner, maybe. hmm. thanks God. happy birthday dad. sorry im rude at times, impatient and disorganised. and always forgetful. but i do appreciate all the stuff you do- the talks in the car rides, the nicely cut up fruits you give me in a bowl, your reminders to drink water and your prayers just before my papers. God honours a faithful man and.. thank you. i feel very blessed. having said that, i do wonder why i did. its not likely he'll ever see this. ha. hm. and if he did i think i'd relocate. hahaa. a narcisstic reminder to myself to be appreciative of all his fatherly gestures? perhaps, perhaps.
-
you know a scary thought i have sometimes? that i'd die a sudden unnatural death. and sometimes i feel so compelled to leave messages to people - unspoken things, in my diaries or in this blog (but not really- this is much to public domain for me to comfortably slip in private thoughts).. i don't know. is it only me being overly imaginative and dismal? or do you think about it too? if my atheistic JC lit teacher ever taught me anything, it is firstly a sensitivity to Words- its craft, its nuances, its symbols and richness. and secondly, a line of a poem by phillip larkin: love unused, in unsaid words.
it's true isn't it? love only exists as something spent.
-
dunno why im getting so emo in writing. i feel perfectly fine. maybe one of those nagging desires inside of me to become a writer. one day, some way. rem koolhaus inspires me, peter zumthor as well. they are excellent architects and excellent writers. haha. until today i heard someone talking about koolhaus having an affair. it happened with louis kahn (3 wives!), and now with koolhaus. what is it with architects. Men. *grimace*. haha. i think writing about thing or typing things out in virtual space is a healthy mask sometimes- we feel less of the need to guard ourselves in social interactions, and this may sometimes result in us being more honest with people than in normal daily circumstances. its like detaching ourselves from a physical thing, and through that, gaining a fresh perspective. Perspective comes with distance i think. both in a physical way - we observe visual perspective only when we stand a certain distance on a street from a particular building, and we gain intellectual perspective when we divorce ourselves ever so little from the daily things we are so ingrained with. the hodge-podge of our life, like a mud pool which we soak in- the chores, the studying, the chit chat, the lunches and dinners, the numerous activities.
-
well i'm glad one of my friendship troubles are more or less resolved. i do enjoy myself in studio 8. they are good friends i can trust. friends who are not manipulative, malice-ridden or scheming. sini :) xuezhen yang chongji hazwan ji yingying kailun chinghei thao sheena you have been a wonderful bunch- im so glad aki started this way for me. something to remember, treasure and be glad about. ( i was counting and wondering why there are only 11 names when there are 12 people in studio 8. DOH.) i was less relaxed in rj i think, except with the hockey gals and dicky and cherie, i guess.
haha. maybe i was inspired by sini's blog, eh? ;) ketchup with you after exams girl. saturday! press on. and monday at your house- confirmed right? i will email the rest once you give the nod! see you tmr at studio. let's chiong through this last lap.!
jay chou's anjing keeps playing in my mind. hahaha. addicted, aren't i?
translated the last lines would go something like this:
yet i will not hinder your leave/
to love you is a release.
haha i tried to make it more poetic in english. could you tell? geez. i look at the english translations on the net like "memories of us have grown hair bulbs" in translation of jaychou's Black Sweater song, or "i really don't have talent to keep quiet so fast", (LITERALLY in place of wo zhen de mei you tian fen, an jing de mei zhe me kuai) and i laugh and cringe alternately. hahaha.
-
you know a scary thought i have sometimes? that i'd die a sudden unnatural death. and sometimes i feel so compelled to leave messages to people - unspoken things, in my diaries or in this blog (but not really- this is much to public domain for me to comfortably slip in private thoughts).. i don't know. is it only me being overly imaginative and dismal? or do you think about it too? if my atheistic JC lit teacher ever taught me anything, it is firstly a sensitivity to Words- its craft, its nuances, its symbols and richness. and secondly, a line of a poem by phillip larkin: love unused, in unsaid words.
it's true isn't it? love only exists as something spent.
-
dunno why im getting so emo in writing. i feel perfectly fine. maybe one of those nagging desires inside of me to become a writer. one day, some way. rem koolhaus inspires me, peter zumthor as well. they are excellent architects and excellent writers. haha. until today i heard someone talking about koolhaus having an affair. it happened with louis kahn (3 wives!), and now with koolhaus. what is it with architects. Men. *grimace*. haha. i think writing about thing or typing things out in virtual space is a healthy mask sometimes- we feel less of the need to guard ourselves in social interactions, and this may sometimes result in us being more honest with people than in normal daily circumstances. its like detaching ourselves from a physical thing, and through that, gaining a fresh perspective. Perspective comes with distance i think. both in a physical way - we observe visual perspective only when we stand a certain distance on a street from a particular building, and we gain intellectual perspective when we divorce ourselves ever so little from the daily things we are so ingrained with. the hodge-podge of our life, like a mud pool which we soak in- the chores, the studying, the chit chat, the lunches and dinners, the numerous activities.
-
well i'm glad one of my friendship troubles are more or less resolved. i do enjoy myself in studio 8. they are good friends i can trust. friends who are not manipulative, malice-ridden or scheming. sini :) xuezhen yang chongji hazwan ji yingying kailun chinghei thao sheena you have been a wonderful bunch- im so glad aki started this way for me. something to remember, treasure and be glad about. ( i was counting and wondering why there are only 11 names when there are 12 people in studio 8. DOH.) i was less relaxed in rj i think, except with the hockey gals and dicky and cherie, i guess.
haha. maybe i was inspired by sini's blog, eh? ;) ketchup with you after exams girl. saturday! press on. and monday at your house- confirmed right? i will email the rest once you give the nod! see you tmr at studio. let's chiong through this last lap.!
jay chou's anjing keeps playing in my mind. hahaha. addicted, aren't i?
translated the last lines would go something like this:
yet i will not hinder your leave/
to love you is a release.
haha i tried to make it more poetic in english. could you tell? geez. i look at the english translations on the net like "memories of us have grown hair bulbs" in translation of jaychou's Black Sweater song, or "i really don't have talent to keep quiet so fast", (LITERALLY in place of wo zhen de mei you tian fen, an jing de mei zhe me kuai) and i laugh and cringe alternately. hahaha.
i thanks you.
just got back home! celebrated dad's bday today at crystal jade at suntec. haha. so full. the first time we really kinda talked and laughed over dinner, maybe. hmm. thanks God. happy birthday dad. sorry im rude at times, impatient and disorganised. and always forgetful. but i do appreciate all the stuff you do- the talks in the car rides, the nicely cut up fruits you give me in a bowl, your reminders to drink water and your prayers just before my papers. God honours a faithful man and.. thank you. i feel very blessed. having said that, i do wonder why i did. its not likely he'll ever see this. ha. hm. and if he did i think i'd relocate. hahaa. a narcisstic reminder to myself to be appreciative of all his fatherly gestures? perhaps, perhaps.
-
you know a scary thought i have sometimes? that i'd die a sudden unnatural death. and sometimes i feel so compelled to leave messages to people - unspoken things, in my diaries or in this blog (but not really- this is much to public domain for me to comfortably slip in private thoughts).. i don't know. is it only me being overly imaginative and dismal? or do you think about it too? if my atheistic JC lit teacher ever taught me anything, it is firstly a sensitivity to Words- its craft, its nuances, its symbols and richness. and secondly, a line of a poem by phillip larkin: love unused, in unsaid words.
it's true isn't it? love only exists as something spent.
-
dunno why im getting so emo in writing. i feel perfectly fine. maybe one of those nagging desires inside of me to become a writer. one day, some way. rem koolhaus inspires me, peter zumthor as well. they are excellent architects and excellent writers. haha. until today i heard someone talking about koolhaus having an affair. it happened with louis kahn (3 wives!), and now with koolhaus. what is it with architects. Men. *grimace*. haha. i think writing about thing or typing things out in virtual space is a healthy mask sometimes- we feel less of the need to guard ourselves in social interactions, and this may sometimes result in us being more honest with people than in normal daily circumstances. its like detaching ourselves from a physical thing, and through that, gaining a fresh perspective. Perspective comes with distance i think. both in a physical way - we observe visual perspective only when we stand a certain distance on a street from a particular building, and we gain intellectual perspective when we divorce ourselves ever so little from the daily things we are so ingrained with. the hodge-podge of our life, like a mud pool which we soak in- the chores, the studying, the chit chat, the lunches and dinners, the numerous activities.
-
well i'm glad one of my friendship troubles are more or less resolved. i do enjoy myself in studio 8. they are good friends i can trust. friends who are not manipulative, malice-ridden or scheming. sini :) xuezhen yang chongji hazwan ji yingying kailun chinghei thao sheena you have been a wonderful bunch- im so glad aki started this way for me. something to remember, treasure and be glad about. ( i was counting and wondering why there are only 11 names when there are 12 people in studio 8. DOH.) i was less relaxed in rj i think, except with the hockey gals and dicky and cherie, i guess.
haha. maybe i was inspired by sini's blog, eh? ;) ketchup with you after exams girl. saturday! press on. and monday at your house- confirmed right? i will email the rest once you give the nod! see you tmr at studio. let's chiong through this last lap.!
jay chou's anjing keeps playing in my mind. hahaha. addicted, aren't i?
translated the last lines would go something like this:
yet i will not hinder your leave/
to love you is a release.
haha i tried to make it more poetic in english. could you tell? geez. i look at the english translations on the net like "memories of us have grown hair bulbs" in translation of jaychou's Black Sweater song, or "i really don't have talent to keep quiet so fast", (LITERALLY in place of wo zhen de mei you tian fen, an jing de mei zhe me kuai) and i laugh and cringe alternately. hahaha.
-
you know a scary thought i have sometimes? that i'd die a sudden unnatural death. and sometimes i feel so compelled to leave messages to people - unspoken things, in my diaries or in this blog (but not really- this is much to public domain for me to comfortably slip in private thoughts).. i don't know. is it only me being overly imaginative and dismal? or do you think about it too? if my atheistic JC lit teacher ever taught me anything, it is firstly a sensitivity to Words- its craft, its nuances, its symbols and richness. and secondly, a line of a poem by phillip larkin: love unused, in unsaid words.
it's true isn't it? love only exists as something spent.
-
dunno why im getting so emo in writing. i feel perfectly fine. maybe one of those nagging desires inside of me to become a writer. one day, some way. rem koolhaus inspires me, peter zumthor as well. they are excellent architects and excellent writers. haha. until today i heard someone talking about koolhaus having an affair. it happened with louis kahn (3 wives!), and now with koolhaus. what is it with architects. Men. *grimace*. haha. i think writing about thing or typing things out in virtual space is a healthy mask sometimes- we feel less of the need to guard ourselves in social interactions, and this may sometimes result in us being more honest with people than in normal daily circumstances. its like detaching ourselves from a physical thing, and through that, gaining a fresh perspective. Perspective comes with distance i think. both in a physical way - we observe visual perspective only when we stand a certain distance on a street from a particular building, and we gain intellectual perspective when we divorce ourselves ever so little from the daily things we are so ingrained with. the hodge-podge of our life, like a mud pool which we soak in- the chores, the studying, the chit chat, the lunches and dinners, the numerous activities.
-
well i'm glad one of my friendship troubles are more or less resolved. i do enjoy myself in studio 8. they are good friends i can trust. friends who are not manipulative, malice-ridden or scheming. sini :) xuezhen yang chongji hazwan ji yingying kailun chinghei thao sheena you have been a wonderful bunch- im so glad aki started this way for me. something to remember, treasure and be glad about. ( i was counting and wondering why there are only 11 names when there are 12 people in studio 8. DOH.) i was less relaxed in rj i think, except with the hockey gals and dicky and cherie, i guess.
haha. maybe i was inspired by sini's blog, eh? ;) ketchup with you after exams girl. saturday! press on. and monday at your house- confirmed right? i will email the rest once you give the nod! see you tmr at studio. let's chiong through this last lap.!
jay chou's anjing keeps playing in my mind. hahaha. addicted, aren't i?
translated the last lines would go something like this:
yet i will not hinder your leave/
to love you is a release.
haha i tried to make it more poetic in english. could you tell? geez. i look at the english translations on the net like "memories of us have grown hair bulbs" in translation of jaychou's Black Sweater song, or "i really don't have talent to keep quiet so fast", (LITERALLY in place of wo zhen de mei you tian fen, an jing de mei zhe me kuai) and i laugh and cringe alternately. hahaha.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Dad, What's Politics?
A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
hahahahaa.
cite Bret Carpenter.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
hahahahaa.
cite Bret Carpenter.
Who Started Less is More?
Have you wondered who originally said "Less is more"?
Both Mies van de Rohe and Buckminster Fuller adopted it as a way of life--you can see it demonstrated in Mies' buildings and Bucky's geodesic domes--but they got it from a poem.
It's said by the painter Andrea del Sarto (who was a real person--1486-1531), in Robert Browning's 1855 poem by that name. You'll recognize another well-known line a little later in the same poem. Here's how Browning had Andrea del Sarto say "less is more." He's addressing his beautiful, but somewhat stupid and apparently unfaithful young wife, Lucrezia, for whom he abandoned an important painting commission and--some have said--his true calling.
...I could count twenty such
Who strive ... To paint a little thing like that you smeared
Carelessly passing with your robes afloat--
Yet do much less ... --so much less!
Well, less is more, Lucrezia: I am judged.
There burns a truer light of God in them,
In their vexed beating stuffed and stopped-up brain,
Heart, or whate'er else, than goes on to prompt
This low-pulsed forthright craftsman's hand of mine.
Their works drop groundward, but themselves, I know,
Reach many a time a heaven that's shut to me,
Enter and take their place there sure enough,
Though they come back and cannot tell the world.
... Somebody remarks Morello's outline there is wrongly traced,
His hue mistaken; what of that? or else,
Rightly traced and well ordered; what of that?
Speak as they please, what does the mountain care?
Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?
-from some webpage as i was doing some useful *cough* studying.-
and just for the sake of it..
Both Mies van de Rohe and Buckminster Fuller adopted it as a way of life--you can see it demonstrated in Mies' buildings and Bucky's geodesic domes--but they got it from a poem.
It's said by the painter Andrea del Sarto (who was a real person--1486-1531), in Robert Browning's 1855 poem by that name. You'll recognize another well-known line a little later in the same poem. Here's how Browning had Andrea del Sarto say "less is more." He's addressing his beautiful, but somewhat stupid and apparently unfaithful young wife, Lucrezia, for whom he abandoned an important painting commission and--some have said--his true calling.
...I could count twenty such
Who strive ... To paint a little thing like that you smeared
Carelessly passing with your robes afloat--
Yet do much less ... --so much less!
Well, less is more, Lucrezia: I am judged.
There burns a truer light of God in them,
In their vexed beating stuffed and stopped-up brain,
Heart, or whate'er else, than goes on to prompt
This low-pulsed forthright craftsman's hand of mine.
Their works drop groundward, but themselves, I know,
Reach many a time a heaven that's shut to me,
Enter and take their place there sure enough,
Though they come back and cannot tell the world.
... Somebody remarks Morello's outline there is wrongly traced,
His hue mistaken; what of that? or else,
Rightly traced and well ordered; what of that?
Speak as they please, what does the mountain care?
Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?
-from some webpage as i was doing some useful *cough* studying.-
and just for the sake of it..
Sunday, November 26, 2006
stupid cynicism.
answer to yesterday's queries: i didnt go for MSG. but i did tell uncle blue. haa. and amanda heng replaced me to lead worship in cell. sankyus veh much. oh YAH gerry looked so pretty yesterday i'll bug her for our photos. OR. i wait til she posts on her blog then i kope. haha.
read bfore somewhere that "diaries are records not so much of fullness, but of emptiness." funny that its in the days just before my exams that i blog more. to break the monotony of studying i guess. wonder how we had the stamina to mug so hard and so long for a levels. !
-there was a break. i blog hopped and read a seething-oh-so-trying-to-be-radical-blog. which raised my ire.-
you are not revolutionary and intellectual just by discussing political matters. you are not superior and sophisticated just by using the eff word and lambasting everything around you. you are not elevated by pushing things down, or in your self-circled failed attempt to do so. so don't you even start denigrating "religion" which to you is a lump of gray- not because there is nothing to see, but because you are blind to it. people do not subscribe to a religion because they are stupid, but because they see something, someone, in it which your myopic eyes fail to detect, in all their self-professed razor sharpness. you can't tear down what you don't know, and you will need to try harder to prove your point that religion is a festering disease of human construct. you need something more than foul language, more than narrow floppy opinion, more than fake objectivity.
ever heard those people who say religion is mass-produced for sappy sods who need to feed themselves feel-good tidbits? what do you say to that? that they are feeding themselves their own recipe of feel-good, becoming subjects of their own condemnation. and this is their recipe: a blind but wide-flung rebellion against age-old social institutions that they simply do not understand, and do not bother to understand. don't you have to know about what you are criticising? and knowing something thoroughly often entails a deep understanding that is NOT one-sided, that is not flippant nor sloppy, that is not based on a priori deduction. so what do they truly know about what they are lambasting? no, you limit your own understanding of it by your shallow cynicism. and you feed yourself with the ignorance of your own condescension.
ignorant god-haters i despise.
read bfore somewhere that "diaries are records not so much of fullness, but of emptiness." funny that its in the days just before my exams that i blog more. to break the monotony of studying i guess. wonder how we had the stamina to mug so hard and so long for a levels. !
-there was a break. i blog hopped and read a seething-oh-so-trying-to-be-radical-blog. which raised my ire.-
you are not revolutionary and intellectual just by discussing political matters. you are not superior and sophisticated just by using the eff word and lambasting everything around you. you are not elevated by pushing things down, or in your self-circled failed attempt to do so. so don't you even start denigrating "religion" which to you is a lump of gray- not because there is nothing to see, but because you are blind to it. people do not subscribe to a religion because they are stupid, but because they see something, someone, in it which your myopic eyes fail to detect, in all their self-professed razor sharpness. you can't tear down what you don't know, and you will need to try harder to prove your point that religion is a festering disease of human construct. you need something more than foul language, more than narrow floppy opinion, more than fake objectivity.
ever heard those people who say religion is mass-produced for sappy sods who need to feed themselves feel-good tidbits? what do you say to that? that they are feeding themselves their own recipe of feel-good, becoming subjects of their own condemnation. and this is their recipe: a blind but wide-flung rebellion against age-old social institutions that they simply do not understand, and do not bother to understand. don't you have to know about what you are criticising? and knowing something thoroughly often entails a deep understanding that is NOT one-sided, that is not flippant nor sloppy, that is not based on a priori deduction. so what do they truly know about what they are lambasting? no, you limit your own understanding of it by your shallow cynicism. and you feed yourself with the ignorance of your own condescension.
ignorant god-haters i despise.
chocolate rabbits.
yay. worship went well. sigh of relief. feel like a traffic policewoman with all the signallings. welcome beng with the long hair baaaack! ahaha. "22" fish and chip paper all the way from aussie. cool stuff. and thanks luke for drumming on special request! really didnt wanna bother you. but aiyah, you said you had a hunch you were playing right? calling, lah.
today was some kinda adventure. supposed to get a lift -ahh!- from aunty catherine, so supposed to go to luke's house. but then ah. i'm some road idiot right? so i ended up stopping at a premature busstop- Busstop 324. -shock panic- haha. didnt know where the crap i was. then eventually i figured i stopped too early and got on the bus again. so waste money. why am i using so much singlish.
haha and while we were in the car, the parents talked about fertile rabbits. it was hilarious. sex education-on-the-go. hahahaha. speaking of hilarious, you just HAVE to check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY4XHXn5B9I
teaching japanese tourists english in case they are mugged by americans.
and then and then amanda heng gave me dark chocolate! 77% cocoa! hahaha. power. you know good quality chocolate has more anti-oxidants per ounce than most fruits? :D i just love this type of gratifying science. exams starting next wed!! im so glad its not tmr. dilemma: should i go for MSG tmr? but i havent studied BU2484 at all! yikes. but uncle blue looked so tired today i feel like i shld give him moral support tmr. haaiii. i don't like hospitals. sucks in so few but deflates so many.
:) :) :) joy no matter the circumstance. its not forced. restore to me the joy of YOUR salvation.
today was some kinda adventure. supposed to get a lift -ahh!- from aunty catherine, so supposed to go to luke's house. but then ah. i'm some road idiot right? so i ended up stopping at a premature busstop- Busstop 324. -shock panic- haha. didnt know where the crap i was. then eventually i figured i stopped too early and got on the bus again. so waste money. why am i using so much singlish.
haha and while we were in the car, the parents talked about fertile rabbits. it was hilarious. sex education-on-the-go. hahahaha. speaking of hilarious, you just HAVE to check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY4XHXn5B9I
teaching japanese tourists english in case they are mugged by americans.
and then and then amanda heng gave me dark chocolate! 77% cocoa! hahaha. power. you know good quality chocolate has more anti-oxidants per ounce than most fruits? :D i just love this type of gratifying science. exams starting next wed!! im so glad its not tmr. dilemma: should i go for MSG tmr? but i havent studied BU2484 at all! yikes. but uncle blue looked so tired today i feel like i shld give him moral support tmr. haaiii. i don't like hospitals. sucks in so few but deflates so many.
:) :) :) joy no matter the circumstance. its not forced. restore to me the joy of YOUR salvation.
we stay apart in the distance you create.
Friday, November 24, 2006
you dead bird.
wave hello to the dead-horse arum off the islands of Sardinia!! (:
disgusting piece of grot right!.? haha. if you enlarge it that much more you'll be able to see the brownish hairs that stick up off its surface- like the waxy feathers of a gull. it also happens to smell like the grossest thing on earth- rotting corpse of a dead gull. AND is Warm- the temperature of a dead gull. so why am i so fascinated? this plant is so fugly but its as close to "genius" as you can get in planet earth.! pity all those einstein wannabes.
and gasp guess what. two days of studying with dicky and belle have gotten me thinking that jay chou's songs are pretty good. haha. no more "author-moderated comments" thingum. YESS! i didnt even know i turned that moderation switch on. Wake Me When November Ends. right now i am gonna hibernate in the warmth of books. euck. warm like the dead-horse arum.
things to concern yourself with (if you are bored/ if you predict you will feel bored sometime, if you know i'm probably as bored as you are gonna be and trust my sense of boredom.. etcetc.)
1. Aki-ists: Who Will Be Your Tutor Next Term? [game of GUESS WHO!] haha.
candidate one: __________________
this should be peasier: __________________________________ :X
teehee. number three. ______________________________________
i could get so screwed. NO NAMES! haha maybe i should put the moderator comment thing up again. uh oh. i just saw a bad word. but blogger cant crop. you all see no evil k.
and for non-aki-ists:
2. Do you know what Mother-in-Law is an anagram of??
Ans:
Woman Hitler!
haa. so you can spend your merry holidays finding out what your names are anagrams of.
a-chef-i-toil shall return to cosy, warm, fuzzy (hairy) and stinky (be a dead bird.) studying.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
everything is so heavy.
im booked til 30 dec i dont even wanna think about it. God let your joy come.
dunno y i wasted so much time reading trashy blogs about self-obsessed clubbers bitching about other self-obsessed clubbers. must be cos my hockey friends gave me a link.
i should read less trash.
i need the kind of rest that sleep can't give.
spare me the BE A LEADER sermon. just this once.
im booked til 30 dec i dont even wanna think about it. God let your joy come.
dunno y i wasted so much time reading trashy blogs about self-obsessed clubbers bitching about other self-obsessed clubbers. must be cos my hockey friends gave me a link.
i should read less trash.
i need the kind of rest that sleep can't give.
spare me the BE A LEADER sermon. just this once.
Friday, October 27, 2006
many pennies for the taking
haha im watching spiderman in snippets. at the part where spiderman says to maryjane,
'i'll always be there for you. i will always be here to protect you. i will be here for you as a friend.'
mj (tearstained) 'only a friend?'
pp 'that's all i have to give.'
-
i remember reading this writer saying, 'i wonder why so many superheroes are obsessed with hiding their identities, especially from their loved ones.' ever thought about it? yeah so they wanna protect the WORLD, but the world is just an abstraction just a pool of faces which dont mean anything. if they're SUPERheroes it means they gotta be super for most but human for some, or one. because being human gives them a reason to want to be super- unless they're machines there's no reason why they should keep living for others, keep being super, super-efficient, super-strong, super-flyer-with-red-cape, super-muscular-and-can-stop-train, super-everything, super-anything. no reason being super unless you're human, and being super allows you to care about the humans you are protecting. no point being strong unless you're at some points, at some times, with some people, weak.
-
today's usp class was mind-blowing, as usual. dr don showed us the videos of infinitesimal nature at work. do you know there's this plant [called horse something] on a remote island, CROWDED with gulls, which has evolved to be like a dead gull carcass?? it has thick black hairs on its surface like the feathers of a dead gull, it smells like rotten flesh, it has the temperature of a FRESHLY dead gull, so as to attract flies to enter into them and pollenate the flowers inside them! its gross, yet so amazing at the same time. and there lies very powerful proof of evolution- but on a species level only, at this point. i mean, a specific type of plants evolve to become more effective at trapping flies- but still remains that species of plant. i am so bought in by dr. that science is the product of trial and error processes. even though we say that science eradicates all subjectivity and only looks at objective truth? the FACT is that science is itself built on subjective trial and error! if a plant leaf that colour doesnt work, it'll grow hair! oh, more flies come, but not enough. what if it warms itself up a little? oh bingo! more flies seem to be coming. say, i turn up the heat even more? uh oh. this aint working. flies getting burnt. haha kidding. so.. temperature down a little on the thermostat.. ahhh. *guess what? the optimal temperature a freshly dead gull carcass!!* of course, this happens over thousands of years, due to natural interactions between plant and its environment. the plant has no brain to program what step to take next- it is just nature's trial and error process to ensure that the fittest survives.
are u getting this? what is there to get? i find that i have to reconcile different blocks of knowledge within me that seem to conflict- how can evolution coexist with creation? what's truth, an extreme or a range? i wish i didnt respect my teachers that much! they win so much of my respect by being so darned intelligent. [like my sec 2 friend once said, don't question authority: they don't know either.] darn it. i have an authority problem. i goo into them too easy!.
-
im not sure about msg.. im very stingy with my time. because i have very little of it left over. and very sure that i want to spend it the best way possible. and because i have so many possible uses and such diverse interests, from running and swimming to reading to drawing to accessory making to playing the guitar to writing to watching tv to sleeping to shopping and meeting up with friends and watching movies to learning a new language or brushing up on chinese plus family commitments and all... is it wrong to be stingy? as of yet i dont detect a strong calling, any calling to step up, except from sheer obligation. i need wisdom, lord.
'i'll always be there for you. i will always be here to protect you. i will be here for you as a friend.'
mj (tearstained) 'only a friend?'
pp 'that's all i have to give.'
-
i remember reading this writer saying, 'i wonder why so many superheroes are obsessed with hiding their identities, especially from their loved ones.' ever thought about it? yeah so they wanna protect the WORLD, but the world is just an abstraction just a pool of faces which dont mean anything. if they're SUPERheroes it means they gotta be super for most but human for some, or one. because being human gives them a reason to want to be super- unless they're machines there's no reason why they should keep living for others, keep being super, super-efficient, super-strong, super-flyer-with-red-cape, super-muscular-and-can-stop-train, super-everything, super-anything. no reason being super unless you're human, and being super allows you to care about the humans you are protecting. no point being strong unless you're at some points, at some times, with some people, weak.
-
today's usp class was mind-blowing, as usual. dr don showed us the videos of infinitesimal nature at work. do you know there's this plant [called horse something] on a remote island, CROWDED with gulls, which has evolved to be like a dead gull carcass?? it has thick black hairs on its surface like the feathers of a dead gull, it smells like rotten flesh, it has the temperature of a FRESHLY dead gull, so as to attract flies to enter into them and pollenate the flowers inside them! its gross, yet so amazing at the same time. and there lies very powerful proof of evolution- but on a species level only, at this point. i mean, a specific type of plants evolve to become more effective at trapping flies- but still remains that species of plant. i am so bought in by dr. that science is the product of trial and error processes. even though we say that science eradicates all subjectivity and only looks at objective truth? the FACT is that science is itself built on subjective trial and error! if a plant leaf that colour doesnt work, it'll grow hair! oh, more flies come, but not enough. what if it warms itself up a little? oh bingo! more flies seem to be coming. say, i turn up the heat even more? uh oh. this aint working. flies getting burnt. haha kidding. so.. temperature down a little on the thermostat.. ahhh. *guess what? the optimal temperature a freshly dead gull carcass!!* of course, this happens over thousands of years, due to natural interactions between plant and its environment. the plant has no brain to program what step to take next- it is just nature's trial and error process to ensure that the fittest survives.
are u getting this? what is there to get? i find that i have to reconcile different blocks of knowledge within me that seem to conflict- how can evolution coexist with creation? what's truth, an extreme or a range? i wish i didnt respect my teachers that much! they win so much of my respect by being so darned intelligent. [like my sec 2 friend once said, don't question authority: they don't know either.] darn it. i have an authority problem. i goo into them too easy!.
-
im not sure about msg.. im very stingy with my time. because i have very little of it left over. and very sure that i want to spend it the best way possible. and because i have so many possible uses and such diverse interests, from running and swimming to reading to drawing to accessory making to playing the guitar to writing to watching tv to sleeping to shopping and meeting up with friends and watching movies to learning a new language or brushing up on chinese plus family commitments and all... is it wrong to be stingy? as of yet i dont detect a strong calling, any calling to step up, except from sheer obligation. i need wisdom, lord.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
torture!
time to tell you about my redletter day last week.abit belated but nvm. i happily trooped up bus 96 on my way to school, prim proper smelling nice and fresh. and i dropped my new pen, and it rolled under the bus. [aiyah, nvm. it was a free gift from the Navy i think.] so i ignored it and walked up the bus like nobody saw nothing. but when i got off the bus i looked back n saw my tutor standing near the front of the bus. so i pretended i didnt see him and rushed off to class!
i ran towards the lift, and guess what? the lift was under maintenance. so i climbed up four flights of stairs to my puny tutorial room, thinking i was late. i was! but guess what? the tutor was later than i was. and that technically makes me early. and i got a phone call from hazwan reminding me that i needed to submit my dratty sketching class sketches. so i trooped my way down the stairs to submit and marched up for Building tutorial again. and this time i was late. darn it. why do i troop here and there! sound so military. okay i glide. no. that's ghostly. i ...leap. YEAH RIGHT. whatever.
trot. okay enough. anyhow. then after my bu tutorial i went for usp class, which was normal and normal means intriguing for dr don's classes. :D and i went to the IRC which is like the archi library which is very resourceful and well-stacked, but kinda retarded cos they only lend books out for 2 hours and the photocopy machines are always jampacked with people. so.. i waited and waited to photocopy books for my ideas essay.. and finally FINALLY! i was done with that. so i, once again, happily trooped out with the books. DIDIDIDIDI! yes, happily, until i realised i was holding the books in my arms after the borrowing time had closed. and i carried it outta the library and the bloody sensors which no one ever believes works just rang away. and the books are the uber heavy bulky old and impossible to hide kind. omg. like i will steal books in such a blatant way. i mean, like i will steal books!! this girl at the entry sensors threw me a dirty look. so embarassing. i told the librarian i forgot to return the books (sounds like such a lame excuse but it is HONEST. honestly stupid.)
so what did i do today? public holiday. i slept it away. i amaze myself by my capacity for sleep. oh you know you know, dr don told us that keeping a person awake without sleep is one of the most ingenious torture methods? like whenever a person nods off, knock him awake. do that for 5 days and the person loses his sanity. and also, if a person is placed in a TOTAL pitch dark black room (and we seldom are. even when the lights are off. especially in singapore with all the streetlights or carlights or lift lights or night lights and building lights or neighbour-just-one-meter-opposite-you lights). yes put him in a dark room, make him stand still and not be able to touch or feel any surface, just TWENTY minutes and he will start hallucinating like crap. cos we're all sensorial creatures. sensual creatures. without the use of our senses our mind loses it. scary cool stuff huh! yeah. see?? This is why USP isn't nonsense. Lesson #122: never get yourself stuck in a black room.
it's scary how many aki dreams i have. i know i had loads of dreams last night. i cant stand dreaming sometimes. i wake up more tired than i will be if i had a dreamless sleep. and my dreams are seldom pleasant. most of the time i just forget my dreams though. i remember them in the morning and if i dont write them down they just float away, intangible and forgotten.
you know those people who keep telling you: "finish your food. THINK of the starving children in Africa!" ? don't believe them. finishing your food isn't gonna help them one bit, and the purpose of eating is for sustenance. so when you're full, you're full. you stop. (or if the food is gooyukcy.) THINK of the people in America! or Singapore, for that matter. whoever says Overeating is not as bad as undereating? okay. dunno why i suddenly wrote that. food for thought! :)
i ran towards the lift, and guess what? the lift was under maintenance. so i climbed up four flights of stairs to my puny tutorial room, thinking i was late. i was! but guess what? the tutor was later than i was. and that technically makes me early. and i got a phone call from hazwan reminding me that i needed to submit my dratty sketching class sketches. so i trooped my way down the stairs to submit and marched up for Building tutorial again. and this time i was late. darn it. why do i troop here and there! sound so military. okay i glide. no. that's ghostly. i ...leap. YEAH RIGHT. whatever.
trot. okay enough. anyhow. then after my bu tutorial i went for usp class, which was normal and normal means intriguing for dr don's classes. :D and i went to the IRC which is like the archi library which is very resourceful and well-stacked, but kinda retarded cos they only lend books out for 2 hours and the photocopy machines are always jampacked with people. so.. i waited and waited to photocopy books for my ideas essay.. and finally FINALLY! i was done with that. so i, once again, happily trooped out with the books. DIDIDIDIDI! yes, happily, until i realised i was holding the books in my arms after the borrowing time had closed. and i carried it outta the library and the bloody sensors which no one ever believes works just rang away. and the books are the uber heavy bulky old and impossible to hide kind. omg. like i will steal books in such a blatant way. i mean, like i will steal books!! this girl at the entry sensors threw me a dirty look. so embarassing. i told the librarian i forgot to return the books (sounds like such a lame excuse but it is HONEST. honestly stupid.)
so what did i do today? public holiday. i slept it away. i amaze myself by my capacity for sleep. oh you know you know, dr don told us that keeping a person awake without sleep is one of the most ingenious torture methods? like whenever a person nods off, knock him awake. do that for 5 days and the person loses his sanity. and also, if a person is placed in a TOTAL pitch dark black room (and we seldom are. even when the lights are off. especially in singapore with all the streetlights or carlights or lift lights or night lights and building lights or neighbour-just-one-meter-opposite-you lights). yes put him in a dark room, make him stand still and not be able to touch or feel any surface, just TWENTY minutes and he will start hallucinating like crap. cos we're all sensorial creatures. sensual creatures. without the use of our senses our mind loses it. scary cool stuff huh! yeah. see?? This is why USP isn't nonsense. Lesson #122: never get yourself stuck in a black room.
it's scary how many aki dreams i have. i know i had loads of dreams last night. i cant stand dreaming sometimes. i wake up more tired than i will be if i had a dreamless sleep. and my dreams are seldom pleasant. most of the time i just forget my dreams though. i remember them in the morning and if i dont write them down they just float away, intangible and forgotten.
you know those people who keep telling you: "finish your food. THINK of the starving children in Africa!" ? don't believe them. finishing your food isn't gonna help them one bit, and the purpose of eating is for sustenance. so when you're full, you're full. you stop. (or if the food is gooyukcy.) THINK of the people in America! or Singapore, for that matter. whoever says Overeating is not as bad as undereating? okay. dunno why i suddenly wrote that. food for thought! :)
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
gooey yummies
its been so long since i've been here, and ironically im here when its the busiest for me. [no, stop it felicia! -resist the urge to number and rethink the number of assignments i have on hand..] somehow i always feel its almost sinful to be typing here, because time is a precious commodity. every second i spend online is a second detracted from reading time, essay writing time, sleep time, tv time, quiet time time, thought time.. yah there's so much thinking to do it freaks me out. like design concepts and everything, very intriguing, and like a vacuum cleaner cos it sucks me in and before i know it its gasp! 2am or something.
-
in a kinda frazzled and irritated mood this evening.. now im fine i guess. just needed time to be alone and. i dunno. i need my 'shrine' as my tutor calls it. i need alot of personal space. which i barely get drops of most of these days. hmm. still, school has never been this enjoyable for me. i do feel i was meant to be here at such a time doing such things. -beam of content- thursday's worship prac.. feel like changing the first song but wonder if its too late. ayae.
-
oh! yesterday night i finally met up with erica and adele, after shamefully rejecting their offers for 3 consecutive times i think. cos of work mah. we went to bakerzin and tried their main courses, like the pasta! is decent n affordable.. i ordered the beef meatball one, which was so-so. BUT i liked erica's mushroom linguine!! its heavenly. i have a thing for mushrooms. people call it a 'soft spot'. funny eh? why not a 'chewy spot' or a 'red spot' why is it a SPOT.? for goodness sake. there is no spot. just a thought. hahahaha. THEN we did the most amazing thing [my proud recommendation]- tripped down to coffee club express and had their muddy mudpie. it's the most satisfying thing you'll ever crave, seriously, no kid. coffee and chocolate ice cream on a chewy biscuit base, that melts in your mouth and is covered with thick laps of oreo crumbs and chocolate fudge. haha. the three of us shared it. oohlala.
-
tempted now? hee hee. i can be their mascot. [oh yah why are mascots animals?] i change my mind. i'll be their delegate. more pompous.hmpf! haha. today i catched up with lydia for a while after usp class.. at the arts canteen and we just talked about what dr don told us during class, that all our choices and preferences are the result of repeatedly sending neuro-electric signals down a specific path. like chocolate = :D! because, over and over i choose to eat chocolate, over say, marshmellows or sth [input] i get that warm feel good feeling [output] and my brain cells note these repeated neurosignal path! like the way rainwater gradually carves a river down a mountain. interesting huh? so if i ever wanna change my preferences and 'program' myself to love say, tomatoes (urgh! :P) i just need to condition myself by practising it! until my tomato-repulsion factor is overpowered by the opposite connection : tomato-gulper path.
-
oh and, you ARE unique. there are 100 000 million synapses in yr brain, so the permutations between them are infinite, and only YOU have your mind, shaped by choice and experience and all those other factors that influence you. finally you can believe the trite gooey phrase you are special.
-
in a kinda frazzled and irritated mood this evening.. now im fine i guess. just needed time to be alone and. i dunno. i need my 'shrine' as my tutor calls it. i need alot of personal space. which i barely get drops of most of these days. hmm. still, school has never been this enjoyable for me. i do feel i was meant to be here at such a time doing such things. -beam of content- thursday's worship prac.. feel like changing the first song but wonder if its too late. ayae.
-
oh! yesterday night i finally met up with erica and adele, after shamefully rejecting their offers for 3 consecutive times i think. cos of work mah. we went to bakerzin and tried their main courses, like the pasta! is decent n affordable.. i ordered the beef meatball one, which was so-so. BUT i liked erica's mushroom linguine!! its heavenly. i have a thing for mushrooms. people call it a 'soft spot'. funny eh? why not a 'chewy spot' or a 'red spot' why is it a SPOT.? for goodness sake. there is no spot. just a thought. hahahaha. THEN we did the most amazing thing [my proud recommendation]- tripped down to coffee club express and had their muddy mudpie. it's the most satisfying thing you'll ever crave, seriously, no kid. coffee and chocolate ice cream on a chewy biscuit base, that melts in your mouth and is covered with thick laps of oreo crumbs and chocolate fudge. haha. the three of us shared it. oohlala.
-
tempted now? hee hee. i can be their mascot. [oh yah why are mascots animals?] i change my mind. i'll be their delegate. more pompous.hmpf! haha. today i catched up with lydia for a while after usp class.. at the arts canteen and we just talked about what dr don told us during class, that all our choices and preferences are the result of repeatedly sending neuro-electric signals down a specific path. like chocolate = :D! because, over and over i choose to eat chocolate, over say, marshmellows or sth [input] i get that warm feel good feeling [output] and my brain cells note these repeated neurosignal path! like the way rainwater gradually carves a river down a mountain. interesting huh? so if i ever wanna change my preferences and 'program' myself to love say, tomatoes (urgh! :P) i just need to condition myself by practising it! until my tomato-repulsion factor is overpowered by the opposite connection : tomato-gulper path.
-
oh and, you ARE unique. there are 100 000 million synapses in yr brain, so the permutations between them are infinite, and only YOU have your mind, shaped by choice and experience and all those other factors that influence you. finally you can believe the trite gooey phrase you are special.
Friday, October 06, 2006
wimpy rain
hahahahaha. i just heard the funniest hokkien thing ever.
this is paul's hokkien post,
xim yam de
xim yam di
kua zi le
kua zi le
wa gai xim tio lai tio kee
which i didnt understand.
this is the english translation, courtesy of ah beng.
heart itchy
heart itchy
look at you
look at you
my heart jumps here and there
hahahaa oh my gosh. apparently its an english song they wrote which they later translated into hoookien. way to go man, Hokkien Idol!! gah.
CRIT is finally over!! as expected, i didnt like it. im not sure if anybody does. but i dont like things which last too long. too much hot air and stifled hoity-toity talk, and mostly no substance. gota sit stiff numb and quiet, and plagued by incessant headaches prolly caused by the haze for a frickin 5 hours. anyhow, over dead buried. one less crit i gotta sit through in this life.
oh yeah oh yeah! :D i wanted to share the spontaneous one-minute-poem-competition i had online with a friend on the topic Wimpy Rain cos he said it was raining (wocky?) weakly the whole day.. and i said, oh, wimpy rain, and felt it was such an interesting title for rain it deserved two poems to its name. (this rhymes!) hah. and no one else will be crappy (creative) enough to write a limerick on rain except joel neo, or luke, or maybe gerry. so anyhow, you can guess who wrote this.
there's a ring to it right?? haha. i like it. who wants to develop it into a song, now?
and this was mine
forgive me the drabness. it was pre-crit day. hahaha. okay all, good sugary dunkin donut dreams!
this is paul's hokkien post,
xim yam de
xim yam di
kua zi le
kua zi le
wa gai xim tio lai tio kee
which i didnt understand.
this is the english translation, courtesy of ah beng.
heart itchy
heart itchy
look at you
look at you
my heart jumps here and there
hahahaa oh my gosh. apparently its an english song they wrote which they later translated into hoookien. way to go man, Hokkien Idol!! gah.
CRIT is finally over!! as expected, i didnt like it. im not sure if anybody does. but i dont like things which last too long. too much hot air and stifled hoity-toity talk, and mostly no substance. gota sit stiff numb and quiet, and plagued by incessant headaches prolly caused by the haze for a frickin 5 hours. anyhow, over dead buried. one less crit i gotta sit through in this life.
oh yeah oh yeah! :D i wanted to share the spontaneous one-minute-poem-competition i had online with a friend on the topic Wimpy Rain cos he said it was raining (wocky?) weakly the whole day.. and i said, oh, wimpy rain, and felt it was such an interesting title for rain it deserved two poems to its name. (this rhymes!) hah. and no one else will be crappy (creative) enough to write a limerick on rain except joel neo, or luke, or maybe gerry. so anyhow, you can guess who wrote this.
Wimpy rain, i treat you with such disdain
you bare shower, and then you scower again.
there's a ring to it right?? haha. i like it. who wants to develop it into a song, now?
and this was mine
wimpy rain, why do you bother
to pelt half-heartedly on this empty house-
in a tug of war between unrelenting downpour and refrain?
perhaps when the heart is less heavy i shall invite you
to enter in like streams through a plain.
forgive me the drabness. it was pre-crit day. hahaha. okay all, good sugary dunkin donut dreams!
wimpy rain
hahahahaha. i just heard the funniest hokkien thing ever.
this is paul's hokkien post,
xim yam de
xim yam di
kua zi le
kua zi le
wa gai xim tio lai tio kee
which i didnt understand.
this is the english translation, courtesy of ah beng.
heart itchy
heart itchy
look at you
look at you
my heart jumps here and there
hahahaa oh my gosh. apparently its an english song they wrote which they later translated into hoookien. way to go man, Hokkien Idol!! gah.
CRIT is finally over!! as expected, i didnt like it. im not sure if anybody does. but i dont like things which last too long. too much hot air and stifled hoity-toity talk, and mostly no substance. gota sit stiff numb and quiet, and plagued by incessant headaches prolly caused by the haze for a frickin 5 hours. anyhow, over dead buried. one less crit i gotta sit through in this life.
oh yeah oh yeah! :D i wanted to share the spontaneous one-minute-poem-competition i had online with a friend on the topic Wimpy Rain cos he said it was raining (wocky?) weakly the whole day.. and i said, oh, wimpy rain, and felt it was such an interesting title for rain it deserved two poems to its name. (this rhymes!) hah. and no one else will be crappy (creative) enough to write a limerick on rain except joel neo, or luke, or maybe gerry. so anyhow, you can guess who wrote this.
there's a ring to it right?? haha. i like it. who wants to develop it into a song, now?
and this was mine
forgive me the drabness. it was pre-crit day. hahaha. okay all, good sugary dunkin donut dreams!
this is paul's hokkien post,
xim yam de
xim yam di
kua zi le
kua zi le
wa gai xim tio lai tio kee
which i didnt understand.
this is the english translation, courtesy of ah beng.
heart itchy
heart itchy
look at you
look at you
my heart jumps here and there
hahahaa oh my gosh. apparently its an english song they wrote which they later translated into hoookien. way to go man, Hokkien Idol!! gah.
CRIT is finally over!! as expected, i didnt like it. im not sure if anybody does. but i dont like things which last too long. too much hot air and stifled hoity-toity talk, and mostly no substance. gota sit stiff numb and quiet, and plagued by incessant headaches prolly caused by the haze for a frickin 5 hours. anyhow, over dead buried. one less crit i gotta sit through in this life.
oh yeah oh yeah! :D i wanted to share the spontaneous one-minute-poem-competition i had online with a friend on the topic Wimpy Rain cos he said it was raining (wocky?) weakly the whole day.. and i said, oh, wimpy rain, and felt it was such an interesting title for rain it deserved two poems to its name. (this rhymes!) hah. and no one else will be crappy (creative) enough to write a limerick on rain except joel neo, or luke, or maybe gerry. so anyhow, you can guess who wrote this.
Wimpy rain, i treat you with such disdain
you bare shower, and then you scower again.
there's a ring to it right?? haha. i like it. who wants to develop it into a song, now?
and this was mine
wimpy rain, why do you bother
to pelt half-heartedly on this empty house-
in a tug of war between unrelenting downpour and refrain?
perhaps when the heart is less heavy i shall invite you
to enter in like streams through a plain.
forgive me the drabness. it was pre-crit day. hahaha. okay all, good sugary dunkin donut dreams!
Monday, October 02, 2006
hua hee!
i did a usp essay in 3 hours!!! its kinda disorganised but i hope its fine. this afternoon i went with granny for her water baptism! she was kinda scared of water as most people are but it was over before she knew it. i mean the time when she was in the water. the time when she was on land and all of us were waiting to enter the water was forever. hahaa. i left the house at 8 and reached back at 4+pm. that's how long both services took. and they were in hokkien!! so funny hearing the pastor saying "si beh". so vulgar like that. and their songs "ye sua, le gia wa eh bak sai" also bit crude huh. but i think they mean tears la. (oh yah translation, it means jesus took away my uh, eye.. shit.) ANYHOW. they had a song just as i told luke
at 90 you're at peace with the world
80 its not uncommon
70 you're at your prime
60 you're young and healthy
50 you're a child
40 you're an infant in a crib
30 you're a new born
and i was clappy dappy along.. you can imagine the truth in the words that old people are more and more childlike. so people are truly old when they are middle-aged, bell-curve type, cos below 12 and above 60 people's minds slip into something called "Child Like Degeneracy
Simplification Syndrome"
yeah. so during that song i sung away my existence.. like.
-clap- i dont exist yet -clap- yay. -clap- i feel.... -clap- young.
listening to juwita suwito's cd now she has a good voice. (: i prefer her slower songs like you in me and only in the dark. but the lyrics to sms are quite cool. makes me feel like writing songs! haha. anyhow.. pastor mark is coming next week. he's the pastor from india. i hope people wont be rude n make racist comments. and i hope people from our church and his family will bond well. God have your way!
yes to all those who are feeling crummy because of army or school starting.. Yesoa si li eh hua hi!
Jesus is your joy! haha. still so funny saying things in hokkien. by definition hokkien- is for vulgar swearing or simple non-thinking questions like jia ba buay (eat already?) jia hor liao. end of conversation. i just realised i probably cant find the time to play floorball. hopefully the girls have too many people [so they dont need me] or too few [so they cant even form a team so we dont need to play] sorry im so unpatriotic. pastor mark,erica, cherie, parent's wedding anniv, usp essay, bu test, more important.
you make me smile
i cant even begin to explain how
all i know is you consume my every waking thought
and i cant even begin to separate thought from you-
each time i try to i think about you.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
circle of truth
today's my parents' wedding anniversary! AH its late, but im kinda relieved cos this morning i was just panicking over BU and now hazwan helped me sort it out. at The Next Change today we had Juwita and Liang, she's the vocal trainer for malaysian idol. i thought it was kinda OTT but it reminded me that worship takes on many many forms. yes, tomorrow i have a usp esssay to write and more bu to study for.. but im still relieved. one day at a time! -take a deep breath-.
had dinner with shihui today, tried speaking in chinese to her cos she's more comfortable with it, but kinda failed. hahaha. as usual. i sure hope she'l fit in well in zhonyun's cell. i found this poem when i rummaged to my old diaries. cant remember if it is directed at anyone in particular, actually, its God. but it can be read secularly too.
locket.
you hold me together from the inside,
like a locket under my shirt
with pictures of us pinned firmly on the inmost halves.
you are anchoring truth,
even if surface waters travail and gallop
like horses skidding past
deep down i feel rooted and secure.
you are entangling like seaweed
around my ankles in green sea water,
thought of you encircles my mind
-and circles do not end.
you twirl, and my world spins,
you sit, and i am still.
you touch me, and my insides are awash with flames of colour.
at night i close my eyes
and reach for your hand,
and in the spread of darkness
you are my comforter dousing all my fears.
had dinner with shihui today, tried speaking in chinese to her cos she's more comfortable with it, but kinda failed. hahaha. as usual. i sure hope she'l fit in well in zhonyun's cell. i found this poem when i rummaged to my old diaries. cant remember if it is directed at anyone in particular, actually, its God. but it can be read secularly too.
locket.
you hold me together from the inside,
like a locket under my shirt
with pictures of us pinned firmly on the inmost halves.
you are anchoring truth,
even if surface waters travail and gallop
like horses skidding past
deep down i feel rooted and secure.
you are entangling like seaweed
around my ankles in green sea water,
thought of you encircles my mind
-and circles do not end.
you twirl, and my world spins,
you sit, and i am still.
you touch me, and my insides are awash with flames of colour.
at night i close my eyes
and reach for your hand,
and in the spread of darkness
you are my comforter dousing all my fears.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
memories torn at the seam
The Armada- Brian Patten
Long, long ago
when everything I was told was believable
and the little I knew was less limited than now,
I stretched belly down on the grass beside a pond
and to the far bank launched a child's armada.
A broken fortress of twigs,
the paper-tissue sails of galleons,
the waterlogged branches of submarines -
all came to ruin and were on flame
in that dusk-red pond.
And you, mother, stood behind me,
impatient to be going,
old at twenty-three, alone,
thin overcoat flapping.
How closely the past shadows us.
In a hospital a mile or so from that pond
I kneel beside your bed and, closing my eyes,
reach out across forty years to touch once more
that pond's cool surface,
and it is your cool skin I'm touching;
for as on a pond a child's paper boat
was blown out of reach
by the smallest gust of wind,
so too have you been blown out of reach
by the smallest whisper of death,
and a childhood memory is sharpened,
and the heart burns as that armada burnt,
long, long ago.
---
the heavy memory-ridden door is silently slammed shut.
no matter how i push it away
Long, long ago
when everything I was told was believable
and the little I knew was less limited than now,
I stretched belly down on the grass beside a pond
and to the far bank launched a child's armada.
A broken fortress of twigs,
the paper-tissue sails of galleons,
the waterlogged branches of submarines -
all came to ruin and were on flame
in that dusk-red pond.
And you, mother, stood behind me,
impatient to be going,
old at twenty-three, alone,
thin overcoat flapping.
How closely the past shadows us.
In a hospital a mile or so from that pond
I kneel beside your bed and, closing my eyes,
reach out across forty years to touch once more
that pond's cool surface,
and it is your cool skin I'm touching;
for as on a pond a child's paper boat
was blown out of reach
by the smallest gust of wind,
so too have you been blown out of reach
by the smallest whisper of death,
and a childhood memory is sharpened,
and the heart burns as that armada burnt,
long, long ago.
---
the heavy memory-ridden door is silently slammed shut.
no matter how i push it away
from me, the outside flows in, my insides seep out, unceasingly.
perhaps it is because i am half-willed, weak-kneed
in the pushing away,
in the pushing away,
i want you to stay,
but the planes have schedules to run on
you have laurels to run for
so i let the revolving door run me backwards behind the glass.
maybe next time it swivels, i'll see you again.
but the planes have schedules to run on
you have laurels to run for
so i let the revolving door run me backwards behind the glass.
maybe next time it swivels, i'll see you again.
Friday, September 22, 2006
digimonk!
haha. joel neo sent me this pic of high tech monks posing in front of the tank. its almost a national attraction now! Truly Thailand- Come see the tanks! kinda funny. its kind of a political joke, these coups that they have.
today i had usp class and MindWasabi sat in and were pretty much ignored for the rest of the lesson.. and after class they asked those who could afford the time to sit in and tell them Why we wanted to join usp, what the classes are like, so that they can Rebrand USP as some hip and happening joint. what the crap. i don't know the answers to these questions la, and as my influential brilliant tutor Dr. Don said, "there is no point in branding education.", i buy it and agree totally that there is no point portraying USP as a sought-after elite brand [unless they cash in the scholarship money and wave it around in front of us to entice us like a banana in front of a monkey. ] But i felt kinda bad cos MindWasabi was supp to last for 15 minutes, so i told my classmate, 15 minutes only la.. and i stepped into the room, but realised half the class still lingered outside so i stepped back outside and got pulled [by inexplicable internal forces of attraction] towards the exit.. and left my poor deceived classmate in that room. and know what? MindWasabi took 40 minutes!! i know cos i camped in the reading room with lydia for 2 hours poring over our Essay 2 Theses. geez. that was very helpful but super draining. went for YCWONG's Blahblah design lecture half-dead. good thing got hazwan chocolates and Gestalt visual illusions of the young/old lady.. to keep me uh, distracted [and awake.]
im remaking this blog.. again. still dunno whether i want the sweet classic kinda look or the grungy graphics look. aiyah, so superficial hor. who cares about blogskins. as if im very free. tmr got church in the morning at 9am WORH. [learning from yang how to be malaysian. shh. in chiangmai we shall suddenly become amnesiacs and lose our singaporean consciousness..and EMBRACE the malaysian identity. haha.] yeah lor, be Malaysian more safer. trying to upload more pics here from my hp to comp, but i cant find the samsung installation cd. shoot. cant stand all these computer stuff. everything should be automatic, without drivers to download devices and devices to link between other devices and systems and systems to cater to programs and programs which lag and fail and hang. grr. i need a computer expert. haha. a digimonk!! -.- kidding. i'm sorry if any cultural sensitivities have been fractured in this repeated mention of unnaturally advanced monks.
why do my fingers smell like crabsticks? they don't taste like anything though. they've been smelling like crabsticks for the whole evening now. oh yah i ate like the hugest strawberry i ever saw in my life just now. so huge it looked deformed la. poor oversized thing. ;)
okay its the weekend. why don't i feel any lighter? in spirit? i dont want to see what im doing as tasks you know, i keep feeling like i need a break, but i know what i need is a fresh touch from Jesus. old manna won't do.
loving you, is easy cos you're beautiful.
in everything that i do, is all because of you.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
dreams to hold
havennt blogged in so long! i think the appeal of blogs is not really fad-like, or temporary like yahoogroups but something that lasts longer cos bloggers are committed to updating their life stories onto the web on a regular basis: weekly for the regular lackadaisical whimsicals, daily for the sentimental and multi-momently for the feverishly devout. Blogging as a Religion! With a capital B for eMphasis. ! .!
yes, anyhow, i feel this sudden urge to be faithful in the recording of my life so when i am old[er] i can look back and KNOW what i did with my time and how i turned out the way i will be then. so, where do i start? life has been quite a frentic rush on the outside, but on the outside its not blistering, i feel an inner peace most of the time, esp after the ymlc stint in batam. yes, despite the busyness of architecture life, i took leave from friday to sunday to ferry over to the sunny island of Batam for a bake. [not really].
So what did we do at Batam durin the youth methodist leader's conference? we worshipped, we played some simple games with our mentor groups, made friends, enjoyed the food, refreshed ourselves. isaiah 55:1"you who are thirsty come to the waters and drink!" [but do check that out i hooe im not misquoting. that was the prayer verse the mentor wrote to me] What was interesting for me was i slept in a single room with Kingsized bed and attached bathroom all by myself! all grown up huh! -er hem. looks around with dignity- well, the personal space was great once i got used to it.. cos 4 people were supposed to share an apartment with two rooms, and two adults took the other room, but instead of having 4 we only had 3 people in our apartment. I was "it" since i didnt indicate anyone as my roommate in the sign-up form, so oh well, loner benefits apply. (: happily accepted.
whui and jingo have left for uk and us respectively. even though i've been expecting it the going still strikes me as quite sudden. and it hasnt quite sunk in yet. during lecture by kahwee today we learnt about the presence of the absence: we notice something all the more when it is removed from us. so jing and whuio, you will be missed and more felt in the void.? yes.
architecture has been a very varied experience for me, camping overnight in studio, standing for 7 hours drawing non-stop, trying so hard not to fall asleep while drawing produces squiggly indistinguishable lines, all these have been weaved into this pregnant experience. What are my dreams? i want to build homes for the poor in the third world, i want to build a house for myself that inspires a dignified stillness. i've never loved school so much, never been so caught up with it that i lose [gladly?] sleep and food over it, never been so attached to a common space like my table, t-square, eraser shield and rotring pens, never been so changed by what i learn that it becomes my coffee-table conversations and the eyes with which i observe trees and shadows, lightfall and wall lines, shapes and passing graphics.
"We need to give ourselves permission to act out our dreams and visions, not look for more sensations, more phenomena, but live our strongest dreams- even if it takes a lifetime." Hamilton Vijali. no idea who this guy is, but its one of the Words of Wisdom quotes Dad printed for sis n i. i thought that was sweet. this quote struck me because during ymlc i asked uncle david to pray for me n he prayed that i would continue to dream for God, and submit these dreams to Him to fulfil. its quite aptly stated, perhaps cos dreams are not miraculous majority of the time, they are yearnings of the unfulfilled. dreams indicate lack rather than abundance, the shortfall rather than the overflow. yet it is in this gap between dreams and reality that we are stretched, that i feel and hope and am inspired to move forward. it is an ordinary thing, yet it convinces me that the extraordinary is within grasp, and i am sucked clean forward until it truly happens. dreams are a quiet thing, a private thing- i cannot fully express it to another no matter how many words i wrench and exhaust, and all i can convey is an idea of it even if it is etched in my mind to the greatest detail. it is only in the fulfilment of dreams [where a dream loses itself and become reality] that others see what i see, and maybe feel what i feel, if we're lucky.
okay, i have become more abstract that i imagined i would. young men will dream dreams, and old men will see visions. appreciate the bed, sleep and dreams because they are the ordinary comforts that bridge you to the unseen. the unseen is secret and divine.
yes, anyhow, i feel this sudden urge to be faithful in the recording of my life so when i am old[er] i can look back and KNOW what i did with my time and how i turned out the way i will be then. so, where do i start? life has been quite a frentic rush on the outside, but on the outside its not blistering, i feel an inner peace most of the time, esp after the ymlc stint in batam. yes, despite the busyness of architecture life, i took leave from friday to sunday to ferry over to the sunny island of Batam for a bake. [not really].
So what did we do at Batam durin the youth methodist leader's conference? we worshipped, we played some simple games with our mentor groups, made friends, enjoyed the food, refreshed ourselves. isaiah 55:1"you who are thirsty come to the waters and drink!" [but do check that out i hooe im not misquoting. that was the prayer verse the mentor wrote to me] What was interesting for me was i slept in a single room with Kingsized bed and attached bathroom all by myself! all grown up huh! -er hem. looks around with dignity- well, the personal space was great once i got used to it.. cos 4 people were supposed to share an apartment with two rooms, and two adults took the other room, but instead of having 4 we only had 3 people in our apartment. I was "it" since i didnt indicate anyone as my roommate in the sign-up form, so oh well, loner benefits apply. (: happily accepted.
whui and jingo have left for uk and us respectively. even though i've been expecting it the going still strikes me as quite sudden. and it hasnt quite sunk in yet. during lecture by kahwee today we learnt about the presence of the absence: we notice something all the more when it is removed from us. so jing and whuio, you will be missed and more felt in the void.? yes.
architecture has been a very varied experience for me, camping overnight in studio, standing for 7 hours drawing non-stop, trying so hard not to fall asleep while drawing produces squiggly indistinguishable lines, all these have been weaved into this pregnant experience. What are my dreams? i want to build homes for the poor in the third world, i want to build a house for myself that inspires a dignified stillness. i've never loved school so much, never been so caught up with it that i lose [gladly?] sleep and food over it, never been so attached to a common space like my table, t-square, eraser shield and rotring pens, never been so changed by what i learn that it becomes my coffee-table conversations and the eyes with which i observe trees and shadows, lightfall and wall lines, shapes and passing graphics.
"We need to give ourselves permission to act out our dreams and visions, not look for more sensations, more phenomena, but live our strongest dreams- even if it takes a lifetime." Hamilton Vijali. no idea who this guy is, but its one of the Words of Wisdom quotes Dad printed for sis n i. i thought that was sweet. this quote struck me because during ymlc i asked uncle david to pray for me n he prayed that i would continue to dream for God, and submit these dreams to Him to fulfil. its quite aptly stated, perhaps cos dreams are not miraculous majority of the time, they are yearnings of the unfulfilled. dreams indicate lack rather than abundance, the shortfall rather than the overflow. yet it is in this gap between dreams and reality that we are stretched, that i feel and hope and am inspired to move forward. it is an ordinary thing, yet it convinces me that the extraordinary is within grasp, and i am sucked clean forward until it truly happens. dreams are a quiet thing, a private thing- i cannot fully express it to another no matter how many words i wrench and exhaust, and all i can convey is an idea of it even if it is etched in my mind to the greatest detail. it is only in the fulfilment of dreams [where a dream loses itself and become reality] that others see what i see, and maybe feel what i feel, if we're lucky.
okay, i have become more abstract that i imagined i would. young men will dream dreams, and old men will see visions. appreciate the bed, sleep and dreams because they are the ordinary comforts that bridge you to the unseen. the unseen is secret and divine.
as i type a moth as beautiful as a butterfly rests motionless, high up on my brown wallpapered wall, blending into the background like a motif print. its wingtips are a pristine white, and stark distinct white lines streak down both of its amber wings in perfect symmetry, spelling a 'V'. V for what? i wonder. vapidity? vicissitude? vindictive?
it is large, the size of my palm, making itself a quiet guest at home.
it is large, the size of my palm, making itself a quiet guest at home.
we had dean's tea in the afternoon. couldnt wait for him to stop talking so we could start on the food. he went on, of course, in the way the things you dread seem to deliberately prolong themselves and press themselves into your face. its called The Dean's Tea for a reason you know. i told my friend it's his tea so naturally he is the [only?] one enjoying it. his cuppa tea.
Friday, September 08, 2006
mask pulled off
going BAT AM tomorrow! learnt new terms today like ahtiong. so racist yeah, tsk. the crit sessions under kahwee are sometimes insightful but for the =majority of the time it takes so so long, too long, that i feel i have no stamina to wait through the pauses, some pregnant, some just unthinkingly barren. i'll be back come sunday evening, i hope to encounter God. simple as that. i hope to slow down, and immerse myself in God's love. i hope to stop pretending stop trying and just be. me. whatever that may mean.
-
today my studio mate shared his "Free Expression" of Emily Hill.. his project looked cartoonish, and it was a little out of the world bizaarre, something only he could come up with in an interesting way. but it was especially poignant because he shared about his loneliness- deep, hollow, resounding, frustrating. he's not local, and he's plunged into this foreign land for barely a month, and it reminded me of my favourite haunting thinking pools: that of masks. he's always a carefree, fun loving, nonsensical presence, cheerful, energetic, and today i saw the exhausted side of him, the beneath side, the side that grows tired, bored, faces failures and pushes it down, falls and picks itself up, doesnt like some things but bears with them. the side that lies deep down in each one of us perhaps, the side we dare not confront. so i think he is brave, extremely so, for revealing what prefers to lie hidden.
-
gerry, i cant go for cell this sat, have leaders meeting. do you read this? hm.
guess what? there are 22 unchecked emails in my hotmail account. 22 no more.
-
today my studio mate shared his "Free Expression" of Emily Hill.. his project looked cartoonish, and it was a little out of the world bizaarre, something only he could come up with in an interesting way. but it was especially poignant because he shared about his loneliness- deep, hollow, resounding, frustrating. he's not local, and he's plunged into this foreign land for barely a month, and it reminded me of my favourite haunting thinking pools: that of masks. he's always a carefree, fun loving, nonsensical presence, cheerful, energetic, and today i saw the exhausted side of him, the beneath side, the side that grows tired, bored, faces failures and pushes it down, falls and picks itself up, doesnt like some things but bears with them. the side that lies deep down in each one of us perhaps, the side we dare not confront. so i think he is brave, extremely so, for revealing what prefers to lie hidden.
-
gerry, i cant go for cell this sat, have leaders meeting. do you read this? hm.
guess what? there are 22 unchecked emails in my hotmail account. 22 no more.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
nonsensical nicknames
stayed awake til 4am last night rushing out 3 essays. i think im a workaholic now, but a happy one. im doing all the things i love, drawing, writing, writing, designing, conceptualising, history, [insert a bit of math] sketching, writing haaha. and we get to meet new people almost everyday, cos its just one month into the course maybe. ONLY? its ONE MONTH! geez. time flies. i have accumulated many nicknames, like potato, sandwich girl, fishie, philosopher, green bean i dunno lah randomness that has to do with my dietary habits, my ineptness in communicating with the Mother Tongue, participation in usp, and F-felicia. nicknames dont have to make sense. they just stick.
-
there are presentations every week, think im getting the hang of it but it is always so funny how my friends n the way i converse differently- its a whole new ball game everytime i step into the USP campus or back into Archi school, and then with my RJ hockey friends, or my church friends. a part of me seems to evolve, change, be lost for whatever moment in time until i am plunged into a different social context. one thing i hate about architecture though, is the opportunities it gives for people to bullshit their way and be self-important, jargonistic bombastic: like during lecture, some guy asked some question
what do you want to be the relationship between our experience of the places we visited and the actual architectural formulation of the place?
i already watered down the question okay? self-indulgent nonsense. and the teacher's answer?
all or nothing. you either express it in full, or not at all.
i liked the way the teacher repeated the whole question back at him without missing a beat and asked him to make his question clearer. it was an inner oomph of vengeance. satisfying.
my friends are all flying away to various parts- scotland, us, uk.. for once i wish i stayed in the east so travelling to the airport can be balanced with the infinite assignment deadlines on hand. sigh. bye doreen, do take care share the love and have fun.
psalm63rocks.
i looked out the bus window and saw a cardboard box, the plain brown ones used to transport bulky items: but printed in black marker across it: 22. i turned to royston n said 'eh, 22!' and looked again, and realised that the whole truck was stacked and filled from top to bottom left and right with a zillion brown cardboard boxes, all of them with the masking tape across it labelled 22. OH GOSH. creepy.
-
there are presentations every week, think im getting the hang of it but it is always so funny how my friends n the way i converse differently- its a whole new ball game everytime i step into the USP campus or back into Archi school, and then with my RJ hockey friends, or my church friends. a part of me seems to evolve, change, be lost for whatever moment in time until i am plunged into a different social context. one thing i hate about architecture though, is the opportunities it gives for people to bullshit their way and be self-important, jargonistic bombastic: like during lecture, some guy asked some question
what do you want to be the relationship between our experience of the places we visited and the actual architectural formulation of the place?
i already watered down the question okay? self-indulgent nonsense. and the teacher's answer?
all or nothing. you either express it in full, or not at all.
i liked the way the teacher repeated the whole question back at him without missing a beat and asked him to make his question clearer. it was an inner oomph of vengeance. satisfying.
my friends are all flying away to various parts- scotland, us, uk.. for once i wish i stayed in the east so travelling to the airport can be balanced with the infinite assignment deadlines on hand. sigh. bye doreen, do take care share the love and have fun.
psalm63rocks.
i looked out the bus window and saw a cardboard box, the plain brown ones used to transport bulky items: but printed in black marker across it: 22. i turned to royston n said 'eh, 22!' and looked again, and realised that the whole truck was stacked and filled from top to bottom left and right with a zillion brown cardboard boxes, all of them with the masking tape across it labelled 22. OH GOSH. creepy.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
whiff of butter
sow worship night today!! i had lots of fun (: i hope everyone was refreshed. my borther brother just said the last song was too long, n didnt say anyth else about it- but he's always eager to pinpoint the faults rather than the flows so i'l ignore him. haha.
architecture has been fun fun fun. something i can really love, for being so different from my 12 years of study prior to this, so intense on creativity, so closeknit and WOW! yeah. thank u jesus. but that said, the busyness can really eat you up, i mean eat me up if im not careful. so unlike jonah i must run straight to where God wants me to go instead of diving right into the Big Fish's throat.
haha. HOT had cell running last sat at serangoon stadium just 3/4 rounds but that's a good start i guess (: doing outta the blue things is fun. there's still so many things to learn about each other n deepen our friendships on.
STUDIO 8 has been so fun so far. i realise im jumping arounda lot in my descriptions of things but who cares- my thoughts have always been random n disconnected. yeah, too bad its just 6 month that we're stuck together no more of yang's lame childlike stories and hazwan's jokes and sini's milo (: hahaa.
architecture has been fun fun fun. something i can really love, for being so different from my 12 years of study prior to this, so intense on creativity, so closeknit and WOW! yeah. thank u jesus. but that said, the busyness can really eat you up, i mean eat me up if im not careful. so unlike jonah i must run straight to where God wants me to go instead of diving right into the Big Fish's throat.
haha. HOT had cell running last sat at serangoon stadium just 3/4 rounds but that's a good start i guess (: doing outta the blue things is fun. there's still so many things to learn about each other n deepen our friendships on.
STUDIO 8 has been so fun so far. i realise im jumping arounda lot in my descriptions of things but who cares- my thoughts have always been random n disconnected. yeah, too bad its just 6 month that we're stuck together no more of yang's lame childlike stories and hazwan's jokes and sini's milo (: hahaa.
grant me aptitude, love, wisdom to answer any questions to my faith.
Lord, it's all about you.
the morning dew settles
on green leaves that glisten.
the cool wind tingles my spine
and i find,
i never did breathe deeper
or fresher, than when you're here with me.
Monday, August 14, 2006
architecture
if the rest of this term is gonna be like today...
well...
i'm loving it. (:
__________________________________________________________________________________
lots of drawing, no math. but aiyah, math will come sooner or later. but the amount of drawings to do will soar exponentially then i'l be glad [?] that there's math to do as a break from the pencil. ?? hopefully.
first usp module tmr- Mind by Favareau.
eh you should try singing a praise song in the morning like humming it- on the busride to school. it is such a joybubblingoverpickme up because God is raining down the smileys as he hears it. da dum.
Jesus, thank you thank you thank you.
well...
i'm loving it. (:
__________________________________________________________________________________
lots of drawing, no math. but aiyah, math will come sooner or later. but the amount of drawings to do will soar exponentially then i'l be glad [?] that there's math to do as a break from the pencil. ?? hopefully.
first usp module tmr- Mind by Favareau.
eh you should try singing a praise song in the morning like humming it- on the busride to school. it is such a joybubblingoverpickme up because God is raining down the smileys as he hears it. da dum.
Jesus, thank you thank you thank you.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
the spooky darkness.
lectures start tomorrow! and i wonder where the initial enthusiasm dissolved into. i don't really know the people in my design module group, and i sure hope they're friendlier than her-i-shall-not-name i met on friday- that really freaked me out. i need more smiling faces and replies to questions man. i think what has happened is i dunno if the tutor will be a dirtball that just disses and never appreciates, or THAT tutor that totally freaks me out with his voluminous eyes, or hopefully someone really nice. you know? and all those questions bursting in my head have only one night left to burst around cos tomorrow afternoon all the bubbles shall be bursted and extinguished, and so many questions shall be converted into answers by 1.05pm.
-
i dream of having aptitude, of being delighted with what i do, of being good at what i'm supposed to do, at being good with the people around me, of being motivated and disciplined, and i want those to be more than dreams. so God.
please.
help.
-
i told gerry everything in church seemed to be slipping, and she said, is it because right now we are in the position not to make it slip, not to let it slide, that we feel right now that things have to be changed?. we are the change we want to see. gum to chew on. i shall survive this week, MORE than survive, i shall live to tell you how it went. humpf. much prayer coveted. :]
-
i dream of having aptitude, of being delighted with what i do, of being good at what i'm supposed to do, at being good with the people around me, of being motivated and disciplined, and i want those to be more than dreams. so God.
please.
help.
-
i told gerry everything in church seemed to be slipping, and she said, is it because right now we are in the position not to make it slip, not to let it slide, that we feel right now that things have to be changed?. we are the change we want to see. gum to chew on. i shall survive this week, MORE than survive, i shall live to tell you how it went. humpf. much prayer coveted. :]
Sunday, August 06, 2006
dreams of red
today's a sunday, that means its a monday tomorrow, in exactly fifteen minutes time. monday means its school time- the inauguration ceremony. things with long names like that can only mean one thing- bombastic boredom. bb. like boring brother. last weekend i was feeling really stretched, all the silly admin matters, the editing of the posters in .eps format [which didnt work, jpeg rules for me.], its like they make mountains out of themselves, i don't make anything out of them- i just try to shovel the molehills into the email account to be SENT out and it doesn't work. then it explodes. along with me.
-
i had something very important to say, and then i forgot.
-
sharmaine brought me strawberry ripple waffles today! and kit kat chocolate. then wohwoh went to swensons for the most delicious fries and topless 5 icecream you've every tried in your LIFE. and before that we had an interesting MSG session cos Jac's sister Sharmaine came n shared with us her life story. the gist of it is that - God knows your secret dreams n desires, and he wants to work with you to bring those into fulfilment. and that struck me because i just told zhonyun that i had alot of dreams for the music ministry, for the youth service and slowly i feel them dying, because the reality and vision gap just looms ever larger the deeper i walk into it. AND the amazing thing is that during music ministry meeting, Tee spoke on the same thing, that before he met Christ he had alot of these dreams [like watching a live NBA game, scaling mountains] and God brought them into being later on- and he was touched because God knew him, his inner longings, LONG before he ever acknowledged God in his life.
-
i REMEMBER the important thing i was going to say! That sometimes its so easy to be cynical and disbelieving about so many things, its so easy to criticise and so much harder to appreciate. Criticising a movie, a writer, another person is like building a wall around your face, because you no longer have to risk being poked at, you don't have to fight to preserve something that's good. Like if i say the movie sucks, my friend who sort of enjoyed it normally wouldn't dare to honestly voice her opinion- "i thought it was really good actually, especially the romance part" because i would just diss it again "What?! that was the worst part, so draggy and korean melodrama." you know? Every 'appreciation' you say is liable to attack, every good thing you say is a potential loop for some cynical bummer to come along and tear down, and cast doubts on your taste/judgements. it's so much easier to criticise, but it's so much more divine and earnest and brave to admire. To say:
-
i had something very important to say, and then i forgot.
-
sharmaine brought me strawberry ripple waffles today! and kit kat chocolate. then wohwoh went to swensons for the most delicious fries and topless 5 icecream you've every tried in your LIFE. and before that we had an interesting MSG session cos Jac's sister Sharmaine came n shared with us her life story. the gist of it is that - God knows your secret dreams n desires, and he wants to work with you to bring those into fulfilment. and that struck me because i just told zhonyun that i had alot of dreams for the music ministry, for the youth service and slowly i feel them dying, because the reality and vision gap just looms ever larger the deeper i walk into it. AND the amazing thing is that during music ministry meeting, Tee spoke on the same thing, that before he met Christ he had alot of these dreams [like watching a live NBA game, scaling mountains] and God brought them into being later on- and he was touched because God knew him, his inner longings, LONG before he ever acknowledged God in his life.
-
i REMEMBER the important thing i was going to say! That sometimes its so easy to be cynical and disbelieving about so many things, its so easy to criticise and so much harder to appreciate. Criticising a movie, a writer, another person is like building a wall around your face, because you no longer have to risk being poked at, you don't have to fight to preserve something that's good. Like if i say the movie sucks, my friend who sort of enjoyed it normally wouldn't dare to honestly voice her opinion- "i thought it was really good actually, especially the romance part" because i would just diss it again "What?! that was the worst part, so draggy and korean melodrama." you know? Every 'appreciation' you say is liable to attack, every good thing you say is a potential loop for some cynical bummer to come along and tear down, and cast doubts on your taste/judgements. it's so much easier to criticise, but it's so much more divine and earnest and brave to admire. To say:
"i like this, it's really good."
"i like your singing, it encouraged me."
"i like the design you did."
"i like his leadership style."
"i like you."
"i like your singing, it encouraged me."
"i like the design you did."
"i like his leadership style."
"i like you."
cynicism is very much a rebellious streak derived from growing up pangs, as though by poking holes through other things we can show we are invincible, better-than-holey. isn't it? why do we curse and criticise more than we encourage and affirm? but there comes a point when skepticism becomes immature, and we only become more of the persons we truly are beneath those walls with some brave, searching honesty.
why the red tape?
now, if you'll excuse me, i have a date
with God.
now, if you'll excuse me, i have a date
with God.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
i hate eps i hate it i hate it i hate it its just about the dumbest thing ever invented. i started editing REREREediting the sow posters at 1145 and the time now is 127am even though the editing just took ten minutes the STUPID format made me wait and wait for hours just to SAVE frickin SAVE and just to ATTAcH it to the email to send to the printer. and after i painfully attached the three images after half n hour the stupid page just flicked onto searchmail and i lost all the "Compose Mail" data and i had to sit there and watch and unmoving screen do the same thing all over- and i had 6 hours of talks today and i am so tired so frustrated so tired so agitated i cried over the computer screen. but doesnt matter cos ive been wanting to cry for quite some time just to vent these transition emotions of angst or sadness or loneliness or alienation or rejection but the ducts been dry so now i have a trigger to VENT. i am so tired.
-
and if you are somebody who reads this you can just keep quiet cos venting is already an outlet i dont need the poor you sympathies cos i'd rather let it pass thankyouvery much. ARGH!! now i know why @#%^%**(~@%(@#$ is so often used in comics for vulgarities in this kinda mood words are too slow and all you need are angry symbols senseless rage outlets like hair standing on end and gritted teeth and clenched fists and.. i'm not angry. i'm just accumulated emotion.
-
and if you are somebody who reads this you can just keep quiet cos venting is already an outlet i dont need the poor you sympathies cos i'd rather let it pass thankyouvery much. ARGH!! now i know why @#%^%**(~@%(@#$ is so often used in comics for vulgarities in this kinda mood words are too slow and all you need are angry symbols senseless rage outlets like hair standing on end and gritted teeth and clenched fists and.. i'm not angry. i'm just accumulated emotion.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
foreign crush
oh what have i done, what have i done! was talking to kevin moe at 3rd level on sunday and when i told him i was in usp [and he knows im in archi] he said: what have you done to yourself! oh no!. not very optimistic, is he? then he proceeded to tell me about his usp friend who stayed up the whole night without sleep just to submit her essay and how usp has ALOT of essays to write: for example, The Role of Mathematics. mighty interesting, huh? And then he told me about how his architecture friend was also dying, camping in the studio almost every night hugging AUTOCAD to sleep, eh. no, the autocad bit was joelneo. [see, they are ALL telling me how i will die. like some chanting ouija board. haha.] so i figured since i'll die on either side anyway, and i cant die twice, it shouldnt matter right? ... i wish i could believe that.
-
before this i WAS looking forward to school, you know.
-
orientation week starts tomorrow on the archi side, so howdy doo i wonder if this will be the last of my recent spurt in blog entries. i'm quite glad today i have no appointments planned, so i can stay home, read, run, make a necklace, plan my time for this week -it's all a mess, overlapping orientations n all-, but now i have cleverly gone and dunnit: booked a practice session for driving.! out of guilt, really. cos i have left it hanging for oh so long already, wonder why im not so keen on driving. its like whats the point of shoes if everywhere else is a maze and everywhere else to be isn't necessarily a better place than here, beneath my feet.
-
in the crowd of the foreign,
in the elbow jostle of pressing heat
in the hushed singleness beneath the hum of activity,
where faces peer in the window, but no one knocks at the door,
i only wish, on an eyelash,
not to be crushed.
-
before this i WAS looking forward to school, you know.
-
orientation week starts tomorrow on the archi side, so howdy doo i wonder if this will be the last of my recent spurt in blog entries. i'm quite glad today i have no appointments planned, so i can stay home, read, run, make a necklace, plan my time for this week -it's all a mess, overlapping orientations n all-, but now i have cleverly gone and dunnit: booked a practice session for driving.! out of guilt, really. cos i have left it hanging for oh so long already, wonder why im not so keen on driving. its like whats the point of shoes if everywhere else is a maze and everywhere else to be isn't necessarily a better place than here, beneath my feet.
-
in the crowd of the foreign,
in the elbow jostle of pressing heat
in the hushed singleness beneath the hum of activity,
where faces peer in the window, but no one knocks at the door,
i only wish, on an eyelash,
not to be crushed.
invisible war
sitti navarro's lovely. lovely. funny how jazz lyrics can be so simple, so direct and still so beguiling.
Invisible war, seems we're fighting an invisible war
Strained manoeuvres, keeping silent score
In this invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
Both wishing it was like before
In this invisible war
Talk about a fine line between love and hate
We've lost more than our direction of late
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
We've never been lovers and now we're not even friends
In this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war
It wounded deeply the scar is here to stay
Opening up at all the little things I do and say
You always want things to be as before
So I make you angry and you bleed a little more
Want to go away (I still love you)
Got to go away (I always love you)
Got to be away (Time heals all wounds)
Every day I seem to lose you more
Both wishing it was like before
In this invisible war
Talk about a fine line between love and hate
We've lost more than our direction of late
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
We've never been lovers and now we're not even friends
In this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war
It wounded deeply the scar is here to stay
Opening up at all the little things I do and say
You always want things to be as before
So I make you angry and you bleed a little more
Want to go away (I still love you)
Got to go away (I always love you)
Got to be away (Time heals all wounds)
Friday, July 28, 2006
what are the odds?
my fan is squeaking. daryl is highly irritable today. like pmsing. im feeling bloated. my eyes are crossed from the earring-necklace rush-out just just. my air con is still not working. i couldnt find my black off-shoulder top. why am i so grumpy. oh this morning i did oswald chambers devotion- jesus did not entrust himself to man...for he knew what was in a man. oswald says jesus didnt trust man, not in a cynical way, but because there are just humanly limitations- so we have to put our trust in something more solid, more dependable, more comforting, more permanent, more unchanging, more gentle, more appreciative, more reassuring,
//a cove which will hold you still when all the waves are lapping or crashing down, and keep holding you even if you ask to be put down.
//don't trust man, build on rock.
i cant care to think coherently now. make whatever sense you want of it.
i entrust my life to you, knowing you won't mangle it like wool in the wash, knowing you won't stain it like purple mangosteen on silk, knowing you won't knot it up like chewing gum on hair, knowing you won't toss it out like newspaper in trash, knowing you won't drown me nor dry me, empty me nor pollute me, disappoint me or hurt or tear or stamp or discard- so many million ways to die, and only one life.
//a cove which will hold you still when all the waves are lapping or crashing down, and keep holding you even if you ask to be put down.
//don't trust man, build on rock.
i cant care to think coherently now. make whatever sense you want of it.
i entrust my life to you, knowing you won't mangle it like wool in the wash, knowing you won't stain it like purple mangosteen on silk, knowing you won't knot it up like chewing gum on hair, knowing you won't toss it out like newspaper in trash, knowing you won't drown me nor dry me, empty me nor pollute me, disappoint me or hurt or tear or stamp or discard- so many million ways to die, and only one life.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
queries quizzify
query for the week: should i go for archi o week or usp o week?
eh today i was wondering how i would be like if i were drunk. there are different types of drunkness, the 01.cant stop laughing about nothing 02.blabber your secrets 03.cry in depression 04.incoherent mumbling 05.doing crazy moves 06.saying crazy stuff like "look, i'm flying!"... i think i'l be a mix of the incoherent mumbling and laughing, cos anne my room mate at usp camp says i mumble in my sleep before i fully knock off. haha i never knew that. so the stage of sub-consciousness just before i sleep is roughly equal to the sub-consciousness i have if im drunk right? weird queries.
today i went to tutor alex at angel's house, then we had a fruitful session of dpf. but i must confess now that i dozed off during worship. dont even know why i was so tired. i think i must "buffet my body" more hahaa thats NASB version.. meaning self-discipline. [or sakae, seoul garden... etcetc.] tomorrow morning i'm gonna WAKE up early say 9am, run for an hour, washup, do QT, then leave the house at 12.07 and reach NUS at 1230. hah. witnesses!
pok msn just knocked me out of msn for no good reason. bah. i havent been d/c in years. this is so ANCIENT, like good old irc times! yuck.
eh today i was wondering how i would be like if i were drunk. there are different types of drunkness, the 01.cant stop laughing about nothing 02.blabber your secrets 03.cry in depression 04.incoherent mumbling 05.doing crazy moves 06.saying crazy stuff like "look, i'm flying!"... i think i'l be a mix of the incoherent mumbling and laughing, cos anne my room mate at usp camp says i mumble in my sleep before i fully knock off. haha i never knew that. so the stage of sub-consciousness just before i sleep is roughly equal to the sub-consciousness i have if im drunk right? weird queries.
today i went to tutor alex at angel's house, then we had a fruitful session of dpf. but i must confess now that i dozed off during worship. dont even know why i was so tired. i think i must "buffet my body" more hahaa thats NASB version.. meaning self-discipline. [or sakae, seoul garden... etcetc.] tomorrow morning i'm gonna WAKE up early say 9am, run for an hour, washup, do QT, then leave the house at 12.07 and reach NUS at 1230. hah. witnesses!
pok msn just knocked me out of msn for no good reason. bah. i havent been d/c in years. this is so ANCIENT, like good old irc times! yuck.
You- Carol Ann Duffy is good stuff.
Uninvited, the thought of you stayed too late in my head,
so I went to bed, dreaming you hard, hard, woke with your name,
like tears, soft, salt, on my lips, the sound of its bright syllables
like a charm, like a spell.
Falling in love
is glamorous hell; the crouched, parched heart
like a tiger ready to kill; a flame’s fierce licks under the skin.
Into my life, larger than life, beautiful, you strolled in.
I hid in my ordinary days, in the long grass of routine,
in my camouflage rooms. You sprawled in my gaze,
staring back from anyone’s face, from the shape of a cloud,
from the pining, earth-struck moon which gapes at me
and I open the bedroom door. The curtains stir. There you are
on the bed, like a gift, like a touchable dream.
barbie-qoo!
lounging by the pool (: uhh, checkout holly-joey.
eeeuw! derek, victimised.
alexius. two down.
the last one gets it hardest. weizhen, as you've never seen him before!
suresh's [unglam] moment!
there! cool fiza. (:
haha joshua, anne, joey, and miniscule alexius in the background!
ahahah! shh! miniscule daryl. now not-so-miniscule.i just ate smooth vanilla icecream with crunchy sweet tasty crushed maltesers- thanks fiza! haha. yum. the weather yesterday was PERFECT i tell you. we were swimming [or flopping, according to maria] for a coupleah hours. and the pasta turned out right eventually, even though in the morning when i was cooking it the metal pot jumped and popped on the stove and now it has burn scars on the bottom. very scary. but i'm a survivor!
i slept in the hall again. just visited gerry's blog, and saw her rj photos and suddenly felt a very strong dose of nostalgia. i always wanted to do that, go around taking photos of rj, of us in class, at the hockey table, at practices, and now im feeling all these mix of emotions once again as i see her photos, just that what i feel about them is probably different from how they feel cos im imagining different faces in those spaces, different conversation topics, different different. and that's what nostalgia is right? missing the same old and knowing that its not the same old anymore, it'l nevr be the same old again, because differences have edged in and whitewashed the walls. aiyah, its not too late, i can still bring a camera to uni and snap away during lectures or something. right. haha. truth is uni life sounds so foreign to me, my only comfort is that its foreign to everyone else around me too haha some of which i know quite well already- a familiarity among the foreign. its the whole "-if you cant make me thin, make them fat God- eevviil philosophy. " hahaa.
i love i love this photo. we are brown and cool and playing happy dappy apples. courtesy of gerryphototaking.
22 haunts me.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
joyful darkness
are humans naturally happy or unhappy? ooh guess where i am now! somefink wrong with daryl's aircon- it freezes up into ice on the inside- so they gotta switch off the compressor then my aircon shares the same compressor n end up i got no air con last night very sad. but today i complained and then mama says both of us sleep in the hall with aircon so cool right so now i am typey typey in the hall with cool air blowing around me n no one is around [except darly who is dead asleep] so i got lots of freedom. i am so much happier in the night than in the day. hormones, night-person, moodswings, solitude or what? what goes into the happy stew?
haha i designed the msg shirt howhow. nice? thanks to gerry for lending me her adobe cd and teaching me where to get cool photoshop brushes (:
haha i designed the msg shirt howhow. nice? thanks to gerry for lending me her adobe cd and teaching me where to get cool photoshop brushes (:
and right now i wanna sing, sing sing! but who will sing with me? in the darkness which envelopes, i inhale a trickling coolness, oblivious to the silence which the echoes make obvious.
darkness seeps, crawls, oozes. it never flies, never sings or laughs or cries, except with malice.
The Poem of Darkness. Dsida Jeno.
Once more, the vigil season!
Broad pen-strokes on my sheet look grim.
Night’s rust-juice floods the gardens,
by six full to the brim.
damp oozes from the mouldering trees,
you muse on how much time
you’ve left.
Your foot stops dead, in fear
of stumbling into a tomb…But tell me: have you ever leta snow-white sugar-cube soak up
dark liquid, dipped in the bitter night
of coffee in its cup?
Or watched how the dense liquid,
so surely, so insidiously,
will seep up through the white cube’s
pure, crystalline body?
Just so the night seeps into you,
slowly rising, the smells
of night and of the grave all through
your veins, fibres, cells,
until one dank brown evening,
so steeped in it, you melt and sink
-to sweeten, for some unknown god,
his dark and bitter drink.
love.
Monday, July 24, 2006
my tiny faber community
i spent today eating up the hours slowly, painfully, like a bitter pill. let me tell you about my condo shuttle bus uncle- his typical day of work begins at 7.07am, and does not end til late in the evening at 7.45pm. for his sake i refuse to ask for an extension of shuttle bus hours. apart from a one hour break at 12.07pm, his life seems to me to be confined within his smooth and worn leathered seat, his half-winded window on his right, the huge black steering wheel in front and the jerking gear box on the left. his everyday attire is a button shirt- either white or pale blue, and dark gray office pants which he rolls up to his knees. he wears a cap every time, red and blue and emblazoned with Faber Crest Condomium on the front of it. beneath this cap, which is very much a second skin, he folds neatly a page of newspaper, puts it flat on his head and pulls the cap on. i wonder why he does that, perhaps to keep the cap clean from hair oil and sweat, but won't the black newspaper print leak onto his scalp? a form of mild dyeing for his white hairs? perhaps. whenever we reach home he would say "hui lai le" [we've reached home], and about half the passengers would thank him when we alight, the other half are apathetic. there used to be more of us saying 'xie xie uncle', and i think he would appreciate it, living such a dejavu life of endless repeats and cycles. xie xie, uncle.
it is very hot today, and stuffy, even though my brother disagrees. i woke up in the morning and went to the river side to run but before i even reached the 600m mark it started raining, slowly at first then picking up speed, but i just kept my pace and promised myself i'd reach the end of the short road before turning back- and i did! and after that i went to the gym and finished up the 4.6km run.
at the gym as i was running, a woman in a swimming pink big pyjama set was reading the papers and doing the cycle machine, rather half-heartedly. you know when you pedal, the machine registers your speed and calories burnt etc. and the red digits flash on right? but her slow swaying leg movements [i cannot call them cycling] caused the red numbers to do a disco pulse, -flash- red, black space, flash, black, flash, black. instead of a continuous and convincing red glare. then the security guard came in and asked her to put on shoes cos slippers are not allowed, and she pretended to read her newspaper [the weather report] and simply REFUSED to acknowledge the guard's presence, like he was plain invisible and insignificant. gave vague nods and the guard repeated and she gave more vague nods and continued her half-hearted pedalling, and the guard was frickin pissed and left the room for reinforcements. haha. after 5 minutes she was out, and the guard came in with another macho indian guard but guess what? my mother was in, passing me the housekeys and asking questions cause she needed to leave the house. the guards, bless them, needed to do some ghost-busting to spice up their otherwise monotonous day; so though my ma was nearer the door than to any exercise machine, the guards were very determined people and told her to change her shoes. i thought that was kinda funny, you need two big men to chase out two slippered feet.
and at the NTUC queue, i met a old senile man who cut the queue and didnt want to weigh his bunch of bananas but it would take too long describing him and i am already sick of my own voice- so, i shall look forward to tomorrow's bbq and pray for good weather without rain the smell of cod liver oil, like it was today.
(:
it is very hot today, and stuffy, even though my brother disagrees. i woke up in the morning and went to the river side to run but before i even reached the 600m mark it started raining, slowly at first then picking up speed, but i just kept my pace and promised myself i'd reach the end of the short road before turning back- and i did! and after that i went to the gym and finished up the 4.6km run.
at the gym as i was running, a woman in a swimming pink big pyjama set was reading the papers and doing the cycle machine, rather half-heartedly. you know when you pedal, the machine registers your speed and calories burnt etc. and the red digits flash on right? but her slow swaying leg movements [i cannot call them cycling] caused the red numbers to do a disco pulse, -flash- red, black space, flash, black, flash, black. instead of a continuous and convincing red glare. then the security guard came in and asked her to put on shoes cos slippers are not allowed, and she pretended to read her newspaper [the weather report] and simply REFUSED to acknowledge the guard's presence, like he was plain invisible and insignificant. gave vague nods and the guard repeated and she gave more vague nods and continued her half-hearted pedalling, and the guard was frickin pissed and left the room for reinforcements. haha. after 5 minutes she was out, and the guard came in with another macho indian guard but guess what? my mother was in, passing me the housekeys and asking questions cause she needed to leave the house. the guards, bless them, needed to do some ghost-busting to spice up their otherwise monotonous day; so though my ma was nearer the door than to any exercise machine, the guards were very determined people and told her to change her shoes. i thought that was kinda funny, you need two big men to chase out two slippered feet.
and at the NTUC queue, i met a old senile man who cut the queue and didnt want to weigh his bunch of bananas but it would take too long describing him and i am already sick of my own voice- so, i shall look forward to tomorrow's bbq and pray for good weather without rain the smell of cod liver oil, like it was today.
(:
i would wear it, except i do not have the habit of wearing my sorrows on my sleeve, as if i were tying a red thread to my small finger, inflicting memories on myself, pricking painful wounds that do not fully heal, like pressing a thumb down on a raw scrape to egg on the bleeding. no, i refuse to hurt.
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