love love love

Sonnet CXVI- William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

i am afraid, this is the rare occasion in which you may be half-wrong Shakespeare. Only God-love is an absolute, an ever-fixed mark. as you say. And God's love, if one has not experienced it fully, comprehended completely, exists only consciously in one's imagination as an ideal perfection. Of course, God-lovers would see him everywhere- in the florid movements of nature and the peanut butter sandwich breakfast.

But most other forms of love, natural loves- expand their definitions with experience. i may think i love a man, but when i come to know him, and acquaint myself with his flaws, my love for him would take on a different facet- the love would change, be tainted in some way, may fade in others, and yet may also strengthen in a subtler way if i reconcile myself to imperfection. Love is an expandable balloon- just as fragile, as malleable, as absorbent.

"Love? What is love? There is no such thing. There are only loves and their differences."

vulgar distress

i have resolved to keep my worlds separate. i believe i have never felt so alone. this whole week has just been shaky, rocky for me. why do i have this lingering notion that after a high, there's gonna be a drop, gotta be one. cos its been proven true time and time again. i was so happy with woh woh.. and that whole lot. and i go back to school, to study.. and face my sometimes superficial friends. arhg. i dont wanna be unkind, or ungrateful, ok? they are nice people. they.. are fun to hang out with. maybe im being sensitive or something- the three of us are the closer ones in class, and everyone knows that three's a crowd. It is. the thing is, i dont feel comfortable around them, im not free to be myself. im just different i guess. sometimes i wish i could have started all over, with a different clique at the start of the year, a different image, a different sense of humour, a different life, maybe. its real childish, and im partly ashamed to confess it. but its natural isnt it? to feel like u dont fit in, dont gel- with the crew. just a tag along. just dispensable, like i told cherie. and what they do dont help much.

like yesterday- we were studying at the tables outside class, and they just left separately to the classroom to eat or talk or study or whatever. and so i was left sitting there with mun- who was with her 'partner'- and i found myself, once again, in the awkward company of three. then She came out after a long while to take some stuff- said laughingly- we were saying 'we always leave feli around- either behind, or outside. hah. ' then she said in passing- we're in [class]13A.
whoa, thanks man! i really appreciate it. its a whole joke right? part of me screams in frustration, flounders in rejection, and another part chides i dont have to take them seriously- i dont need friends like that. and they have no idea how hurt, how angered, i am by what they carelessly say and do. i just contacted cherie and fiona and went to join them. and i didnt bother saying bye to them in 13A. enough is enough. today, she handed me the Peer Evaluation forms for university reference. im supposed to get two friends to fill it up for me. she said 'get two people to fill this up for you, if you have any friends.'

why is this bothering me now?? come on, right? its like a primary school thing. i should be open-minded, independent and all that jazz. but dont be daft, alright? we all need people. i havent got the people, no- ive got the wrong people. i need real, trustable, dependable, soulmates. i have decided to keep away from them as much as possible the rest of this year- the distance helps me keep things in perspective, helps me steer clear of the knife's edge.

god i hate them.

and i dont need sympathy. despite what i say i know i cant keep my distance for too long without going soft and relenting. without opening myself to their company again. i dread that coming. comments like 'oh no, so poor thing' or 'aiyah they dont mean it' or 'dont be so sensitive' dont help, ok? they are meaningless to me, they simplify things to the point of obscuring life's complexity- some of life's greatest problems are those encountered as children i believe.

like 1. sharing things 2. choosing friends 3. respecting authority 4. jealousy

the children bring out what we stifle, in tear-drained pillows, into the sweeping open.

my world shall be separate. the person my schoolmates know, the person my family knows, the person my churchmates know [that is closest to the person i know] - they are all different. and intruding on any of those worlds, any overlap, causes misery and confusion.

i am alone, i am looking for God, i am in vulgar distress- only for a moment.

goodness.

griipes. just been to www.mda.gov.sg to check out their FirstTimeWriters initiative. Thought it would be real fun being a children's book writer. of course along with the fun its a lot of work, but work i cant imagine myself not enjoying. [right now i have a silent pregnant fear that some internet spy will pick up on the 'mda' keyword and thus i have to mince my words.] plausible? maybe not. possible? definitely. if im speaking to a blogger- wont you be disgusted to wake up and find your blog inerts splashed out on TheStraitsTimes? its a good paper really [not to mention the only.. well sort of. -the evasive syndrome kicks in again.] but i'd like to be selective about my audience actually. you may think its impossible, since anyone can just Google and locate you. but that group of 'anyone' would be really small unless you're some.. superstar. For now im content disclosing this address to anyone i am happy with and just pretending that it doesn't - i mean neglecting that it does- exist with those im not close to! is that wrong?

and id really like to write a children's book.
but the fresh untainted enthusiasm just dies a little with each application guideline i read.

Mr P. told us that the reason we love movies so much is that we yearn to be other than we are. to experience other than this. and in some sense i agree with him. some movies are better for imagining with than others. i'd love to dwell in the Elizabethan era for a while, or observe in the moulin rouge atmosphere, or study in a castle. And while i am imagining, the critical part of me, the part that stutters to be heard, yet is viciously silenced- logic- is swept under the carpet.

i am happy for now. happiness arrives in spurts. and that's what's good and spontaneous about it. if it were constant, i would go mad, i think. it would be like a pond- pretty, but also stagnant- mossy, algae-strewn, musky. i would rather an unpredictable brook- they always say that brooks bubble- doesnt the very nature of bubbles tell you that its whole and shiny for one full moment, but it will burst, it cant do anything but burst, in the next?

But Joy. Joy is something solid, like a prism underground. it is connected with Hope. The demise of hope cuts off all links to joy. Joy runs on, even if its surface is scratched or covered by dust- it is a sustained hope that the jewel's gleam will one day emerge, the dirt will one day be rubbed off, someone will walk pass and pick it up, handle it, and know it is of worth. Ah, joy is knowledge that you are of deeper worth. Is that true? Whether that worth comes to you in the form of God, or of confidence, or tenacity- of course everything else pales in the light of God-given meaning.

Task this week:
1. Say things are good when they are.

whenever i ask my brother if something i made is nice- he'd go..'ok, But..' and sometimes im like that too, always OKBut-ing. always too quick to criticise rather than appreciate. Maybe it runs in our Singaporean culture. Do we say the Merlion is good? There's always something fundamentally unbalanced, awkward about it. But its embedded somewhere in our consciousness as part of Singapore i suppose, so in that sense, it is good. Funny that in Lit we do Critical Appreciation. i shall critically appreciate life now. would you, too?

mm. fountain pens are good. so is my mother. she is better than good, though worse than perfect. swimming pools are good. the Good Book.

God. is. Good. and better than perfect.

reshelling a nut.

yes, the very complex problem of putting a single whole nut back into its shells and desplit them. this problem just struck me as i was sitting in lit S lecture, watching [not listening, perse] to McConnell speaking. He has a funny sort of hairline, with the receding hairline somewhere behind a tuft of fringe, about the middle of his crown. and he has a shiny round head, that struck me as looking very much like a nut. why do people's heads look like nuts? is it a reflection of what is inside it?

i have SATs tomorrow. the above does not seem like a likely topic on the "Essay" section, so i shall quit it. after tomorrow, i can finally release Barron's Booknotes and fly, fly fly! ..right.

now lets try this:
Do you think manners are deteriorating in this day and age? Should this be a concern?

Manners and etiquette is a common theme among novels of the early twentieth century- where primness and sobriety were esteemed above wit or intelligence, especially in the case of women. Although some people see manners as an essential trait which is fundamentally lacking in modern times, I do not think that it is particularly necessary now. In the past, manners were deemed to be a reflection of one's culture and upbringing. That era of calculated and stringent ettiquette was often associated with the subservience of women toward men, servile obsequience of servants or lower classes toward elites, and intolerance toward social deviants such as homosexuals or the paralysed. To be a cultured and well-mannered woman was, in short, to be passively acquiescent while the men went about their daily work and social functions. Granted, there are always exceptions to a rule. George Eliot, a renowned novelist, is known to have illegitimately cohabited with her husband, recanted Christianity, and taken care of her husband's 'legitimate' children. But social deviants such as Eliot have faced much social criticism, and have suffered for it.

Modern society, while somewhat lacking in manners, has more than made up for it, i feel, through a greater degree of openness. Critics of the decline in ettiquette have purported that manners is necessary to improve the pleasantness of life. However, a higher level of tolerance which we now have toward former 'undesirables' has arguably made life richer and more enjoyable for many people, in a more substantial way, than manners has. for example, laws enacted to allow flat ownership and places in civil service for homosexuals has reduced the public glare on this group and allowed them to fit more snugly into the social fabric.

..blah. xx. i am tired. bed time. please let this topic come out. at least half of its done!

where are you?

Look Ma, fires, terrorists, mosquitoes!

went to jurong point library just now, in search of a SAT practice book. This darned book costs about $40 in popular, and considering i have only one week left before the test, its: Not Worth It. But, apparently its far from popular in our national libraries and so, i couldnt find one. So, there i was, in Boon Lay, waited half and hour for the library to open and it was a fruitless search. Not only fruitless, it was amusingly painful. one meets the weirdest of all people in the weirdest of places.

Disappointed with lack of fruit, i tried to reward myself, squeeze some good out of my trip to the library, so i took a look at the "Times UK University Guide 2005". And, i took a seat on a humble looking bench, beside an indian guy and in front of a chinese lady [who had a newspaper sprawled all over the leather couch. so i couldnt seat. upon reflection, im glad i couldnt.]
And Then, came the Fateful Sneeze.

uh huh, so this guy sneezed, big deal. i just kept on looking through the Guide, but the chinese lady in a buttoned gray dress and loosely bunned hair suddenly started up.
Conversation proceeds between man and woman, i was a silent observer, with occasional nods and smiles in an awkward -uh huh, but i dont know you- fashion. She was speaking so loudly, like a typical aunty in a wet market, and anyone who walked past us seemed to give me a startled and sympathetic look.

Woman: "Aiyoh. Better hope that guy just has normal flu and not bird flu! you know how bird flu spreads? its like that! through the flu you know! not through fever or anything. One person sneeze then all the germs are spreading through this place! [looks around]"
Indianman: "ah yeah, they should spray some medical spray like those in clinics. to kill the germs."
GrayWoman: "you know my house also! everytime a neighbour sneeze out of the window, i wake up and start using a cloth and fan and fan, so the germs wont come in. Go back to their house! All that virus! Until my husband asks me 'what are you doing in the middle of the night?' i can use the spray, but chemicals are bad for you. so all i can do is use some, uh, strength la! to block the viruses."
[stifled bemused chuckle]
Man: "nah, i dont think it works that way..."
Woman: "then somemore the cleaners used to come twice a week, because of high water bill they cut down! recently all the people with dengo, you know the mosquitoes come from where anot? the neighbour next door, keep potted plants! nothing wrong with that la, but they ah, keep a garden! plants all the way to the lift you know."
Man: "yeah, we pay the government maintenance bill, and they never uh fumigate- pay them for what!" [this otherwise reasonable man has gripes with the gov, like most taxi drivers.]
Woman: "yeah lah. somemore, my husband almost died know, thankfully i was at home! This burning smell came up, then at first i thought its incense, nevermind la. but then, i go check again, saw a lot of smoke coming up from downstairs you know! so i hurry up call the police! they called the fire man, then they said 'where where where?' and i quickly point at that unit [gestures] and they cut the lock and spray the extinguisher! i saw it myself you know.
"Those people from China, he say his teenage daughter forgot to switch off the gas. Like i believe! Very suspicious to me. i think they want to get insurance money right, pay pay pay then never get anything back, so they purposely make it look like accident.
"And you know tv mobile show they caught terrorists [?!] Not Muslim, but from China you know! Wah, i see already so scared. i told my husband, 'Terrorists living downstairs!' He say 'no lah, its an accident' How Can?? If primary school daughter say forget i believe la, but secondary school? You mean the school never teach them safety education is it!
"So, definitely they want the insurance money! But they never expect me so expert."
Man: "that's one possibility la. mm. so thankfully you have a sharp nose"
Woman: "Yeah, somemore they bought new leather sofa you know! Expensive new sofa, where they get the money? Must be insurance money la! Thankfully i at home, my husband almost burn to death you know!"

[she goes on to talk about fires]
"You know nowadays in the news, so many fires everywhere! [er, in indonesia maybe?] Got this family, want to go holiday, then the fire reach them, gone case. so instantly you know! their friend also cannot believe! He say, they want to holiday also cannot, so suddenly gone already! Like instant noodle so fast! [hahaha.] So i say, see anything quickly report! Don't give any 'chence'! My downstairs neighbour said, 'you report to police ah?'
"Yeah la, not me then who? [this sounds familiar...who stole the cookie] They so stupid, never report! Still say 'you call one ah, you call!' still try to put blame on me you know. i dont call, burn already who talk for me? right anot.

"Fires ah, will go upwards first then sideways [ah, so she's on expert on fires too.] go up chap see lao, chap gao lao (14th storey, 19th storey)..

[i glance sideways at the indian man, who nods knowingly then smuggles a lost expression to me. uh, i didnt interprete. some things are not worth the effort?]

Woman: "The world is going mad you know." [good news, we're part of it!]

Man: "Yeah, the whole world is becoming stressed out la."

Woman: "I'm feeling very strange you know. I feel weird!" [would confirming your suspicions bring reassurance? ;) ]

[man gets a timely phone call, and we are delivered into a blessed silence. i have a flu, but the woman's paranoia really stopped me from sniffing even a bit. i had a solemn fear that she would pounce on me with disinfectant sprays and violent cloth-flagging to keep the germs with me. or she would conclude that that Fateful Sneeze had taken its toll on me. instant like noodle! haha. ]

--*--

Speaking of mosquitoes, this morning as dad drove me to Boon Lay, we saw some aged (50-60 years) cyclists wearing Team Singapore shirts. Dad remarked 'that's the mosquito squadron.'

i would have laughed if it was a joke. Problem is, he was probably serious. They were the Elderly Olympian Cycling Committee, more like. What a funny day.

i've got a fever. cripes.