soulchild

20 My prayer is not for them alone. i pray also for those who will believe in me through (my disciples') message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and i am in you. 23b May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24 I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me. [John 17]

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went for festival of praise on friday. with luke cherie amanda heng leonard (: good rollicking stuff. praise God.
was quite quiet while we were sitting there, absorbed in the crowd. like the sheer number of people. hah. i tried to look at the furthest face in the stands from where i was, all i could see was the colour of the shirt. and the length of hair, roughly. then i realised from their point of view im just like that, just a speck. and i was very still. i tried telling luke and he said 'it makes you feel really small.' which was what i meant though i didnt say it. click. i turned to my right and told cherie and she said mm. or hummed mm. or kept silent? haha one of those..
normally i can share such stuff with erica! and i felt quite sad cos i havent brought her to church. what's holding me back? i only invite her when i expect a great speaker, at other times.. i need to bring myself down to eye level and ask 'what do i really feel about youth service?' like a raw, honest dig out. but at best my response is ambivalent. its..like how i feel about people you know? differently. i like being there not because i think its the best of all services, to be honest, but because there are people who pull me down where i want to be pulled down. i can meet with God there, its been my home all this while, then why wont i ask erica? why am i scared she'd be disappointed? when's the right time?

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i have this other problem. i dont know what to say to people. sometimes i'd rather be alone. i dont butter to small talk to people i dont know. haha. how?
now i understand why God could wipe out the world in a flood. im linking it to the people at fop who cut the queues, who threw the cd wrappers on the ground, who snapped at ushers and barged in, the grabbers at anti-drug, the ugliness which, perhaps, at unguarded times, flashes tail in me. and if i were God, if i had the power, i might just turn and lash out on this immense degradation because of a sickening wrench, a consuming, wrath.

soulchild- quite a cool name right? we need a revival. we need sustainable fire. we need more of God! nah, more sensitivity to an already present, already yearning, already large, God. thinking of a seminar/retreat/festival to refocus 18-25yos, to worship and pray. to snatch back those who are backsliding. this term should not exist. to rest in the presence of God, to resound for him in the neighbourhoods/ hospitals. if you're reading this pls pray. and tell me if God gives you the green light or no. please! and pass me the names of yr cell members if you are 18 and above this year.

count the shadows

studied til seven in school again. im beginning to like studying now, weirdly. takes my mind off empty spaces in my time. so alone, lone. the library is a nice place. not quiet, and not warm. but it gives me books, with words in them- so few of them nowadays. spoken, i mean. oh yeah and i got myself stuck in the toilet for like almost a minute. haha. my bag strap got caught in the door groove, so i couldnt bang the door open. contemplating calling hannah for help, but instead i prayed. haha. quite comical thinking about it. Lord, pls help me get out. another heave and the door jerked free.
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walked to the 165 busstop with hannah. the road signs keep us entertained. like [Merge] and we walk toward the road. or [ ! ] and we gasp. stupid things, like little rewards, brainless relief from a clogged up brainday. everyday is a brainday. am i making sense?
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chanced upon the word Scianmachy in the dictionary. apt. a futile fight with shadows or imagination. i feel like that sometimes. missed the last shuttle bus today, so i took 105 two stops and walked in. it was dark, and at first i peered behind me a few times to check for spookys. or just somebody (spookiers.) no one. stared at my shadow cast by the lampposts and wondered at how smooth and dark shadows are. they glide even though i walk. they stretch and take on the grainy surface of the pavement. then i started singing to myself. haha. i remember looking up at the sky, the discoloured clouds, and feeling so unrestricted. and happy. i do that often. but not often enough, buildings cage up, you know? aircon keeps you from the outdoors, ceilings from the sky, fans from fresh air. i long for something, some- taint, of- what?
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a taste of God.

x.

scianmachist.