kNOw, there's uglier than drugs.

you know that sort of heavy greasy yellow smoke that not only smells bad but clings to your skin and forces sweat and stickiness out of it? thats how singapore felt to me today. because of a student-intiated, student-administered, student-powered Anti-Drug Campaign! its this awareness drive targetted at youths, which explains its supposedly alluring position at youth park. but, the only people it lured were old aunties, middle-aged women with exploited children, foreign cleaner uncles run by a syndicate auntie... basically any bullets sent out misfired and hit the wrong targets. badly.
*
the ugliness of singaporeans! i never TRULY understood the meaning of kiasuism til today. no, its not just mugging 26 books 26 weeks before the exams, or trying to have your fill at a buffet, or anything like it. in its extreme, its downright convoluted. they were snatching 6 bags at a go, fabricating lies about imaginary friends or neices, coming back 5 times per household member, operating a syndicate by hiring strangers to collect the bags for them such that they had like 50 each. do they think the volunteers are stupid or amnesiac or what.!
*
we are not forgetful, we are just powerless. some cnb personnel told us to get rid of the stock,
'too much leftover, just give at free will, give without restrictions'.
i told him that people would start hoarding- utterly confounded waste of resources!
'then dont let them know that you're giving at free will lah. let them work for it.'
(easy to say?! give at free will, but not let them know we're giving them at free will? stupid logic.)
'work for it in the sense they send their children to lie and grab?'
'anything la.'
that just sickened me. you know? that no one realises that its not a problem with quantity. who actually has been turned against drugs by the campaign? i dare say none! donating it to some charity or to schools would have a greater impact. anything but this- this exposing of people's greed and Ugliness, this perpetuating of lies, to children! how can parents just USE their children this way? i sound idealistic, but i'm not anymore. my eyes have been opened. idealism never did anyone any good. those who write GP essays, get this.

never believe in awareness campaigns, ever!

then when people started their sick hoarding, some other personnel comes over and says 'can you please ensure one person only gets one bag each? this is taxpayers money, we are accountable.' ha. tosh.
*
there's something distinctive about human ugliness. you know the feeling when you're in awe of something beautiful? like a view that simply stuns, that makes you stop breathing-? you cant describe that. words just dont come close to a recreation. ugliness is like that too. nothing said can reproduce that sick feeling that churns and sloshes grey inside. really felt like puking at them. ugliness too, is overwhelming.

faintly disturbing

please don't judge.

please don't get lost.

-i never expected you to get into a muddle.

ah, to get down to the basics!

jesus can you come and dissipate the shadows

and flash us with the full force of clarity

-no, i dont mean simplicity. clarity.

show us the hidden motives of our hearts.
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haha, purvis said:

"a man's not complete until he's married;
when he is, he's finished."

"you want to know the way to creativity? shall i tell you?
its by imitation. you imitate someone else, and along the way you pick up your own voice. creativity can't exist in a vacuum."

i muse about that- there is some truth in it. creativity is more about modifying current concepts with new ideas than thinking up entirely new mechanisms. that would be discovery, wouldnt it?
ah, i wish i wish i wish three weren't such a crowd.

transmuted

party this friday! dunno if parents allow yet. floorball this friday! funfunfun. napfa over! yesterday! aching, but relieved- last napfa of my life. i'm growing old! and balding my friendships- or shaving them off to a narrow elite. motivated! to study when i'm not with books and to play when i'm studying. i want to get real with God. i want to be able to make a promise, a mutual transaction with Him. without hypocrisy, or pride, or greed.

God, promise me that you'll be intimate with me every single day.
through the shallow, cracked moments, as well as the swinging highs.
i promise i will be real with you, even if it means peeling off my transmuted protective layers
and showing you my ugliness. (they dont really protect, i just deceive myself.)

thanks for the kids at swiss cottage sec. been practising english orals o levels with them. they're lovely, lovely.
thanks for giving me stuff to look forward to even when i feel alone.
thanks for msg, we are human, but we are the best ive got so far.
thanks for cherie, amanda heng, amanda lee, jaclyn, gerry, zhonyun, edlyn.
thanks for hannah and belle. and jing and munloh and whui.
thanks for sleep, for books, for clouds!
you are wonderful, wonderful!

the heart of the matter- love jesus.

m-i-s-s-i-n-g some.

last week was the most peaceful week i can recall. thank God for everything.
i want to be content. not to want more of what i cant get, cant be,
it is so difficult.
the london bombings are just horrid.
how can anyone believe in a cause that explodes people- what good comes of it?
none.
i'm sorry for those whose close ones are MISSING. its a fearsome word,
so much space in it for danger, so much potential for harm, for fear
-the wasteland of imagination.
it scares me that all i can feel is sorry for them, not more. though i'd like to.
im trying to be honest here.
after a while the talk dies down, and there's all there is-
talk of solidarity, talk of the horrors of terrorism, gossip talk, sympathy talk, angry talk-
but no face to direct it towards, nobody who can reply.

they have all slipped on

but still i stand here trapped

-i still hurt.

-thats what i'd imagine i would say if i were one of them.

the victims are missed in more than one sense of the word.

'you reap what you sow.' what about the weather? -purvis. i shouldnt give him so much recognition here.

something in me just wants more- of what? of who? for what? for who?

we skate past current moments, only to haunt them in later years with regret.

surrender, serve, save.

i normally fill in the title above after i've written all i wanted in this white space. i think its because right now i have no idea what kind of words will fall into this box. hmm.
*
for some specifics, since this space is often filled with wooly off the head musings.. yesterday these 3 entrepreneurs came over to my school to talk to us, supposedly, about globalisation. goobshop. but they were really amusing, if not tiring after a while. they told us to quit school cos it sucks our creativity, not to bother about grades cos the whole world doesn't care about it, says that the singapore education system is 'too damn conservative' and too preoccupied with producing average goods to come up with anything brilliantly GREAT- too insistent on powerpoint. they asked us to break the rules- choose which ones to break. that in business you have to satisfy a Need, not a Greed (aka what you want to do, what u dream about and think is fun)
*
the metrosexualish one also told us acs has all the entrepreneurs- 60% of his pri school classmates are in business. whereas only 2 of his dweeby RI classmates have dared to tread the non-financial/professional/boring sectors. dont think PAP will like him much, even though he's wearing white.
*
we had inter-class pe also. mixed soccer- and the only people from 1b who played were hannah, me, belle matt and hongwee. the rest were exports. ahaha. so much for class spirit. 'ah-ah-ah'. whatever does that mean? see why i dont like talking about specifics? its meaningless! faceless names in senseless crowds and nameless noise. i dont really care about pe, i dont really care about the three entrepreneurs, (i failed math and i dont think quitting school is a valid solution thankyouverymuch)
*
i'm going to talk about God. who matters to me. who's non-matter to me as well- in all kinds of states and forms and circumstances, he pervades. and i am thankful. breaktimes with him have been delightful, it sets my focus in this world where i am only alien. which is why i still smile despite my grades- because im not defined by them. which is why i'll still be confident even if im friendless, conversationless.. it took me a long time to get here. and im not going to lose my way again.
*

breathe in the sunlight, coax away the rain because its the day- the day- i'm not sure, i must be joyful. he told me nothing matters but Him, and i- i agree!

you cannot snatch.

the devil cannot snatch away, what Jesus with his blood has paid, and with His promise held and stayed.
the most wonderful thing about God is, he keeps his promises, even if i have no right to demand he does.
*
so amusing, the way the evil one tries to snatch away and disperse your focus.
he tries insinuating thoughts- of guilt, (the major trap), of jealousy and envy (lovely strife!), of immorality (ahah, more guilt eh?), of anger and impatience (blow up at people! violence, violence!)
*
or he puts people in your life when your focus is on God, such that you moon about them, rivet the possibilities, dream the unrealities and along the way get sidetracked unto the path of worldly fantasies. a caustic sms, or a certain coldness from a friend, jabs at sensitivity in us, and attempts to deflate us.
*
or, he removes people from your life when you're feeling lonely! or tries to. arguments, annoyance, arrogance, apathy, all strip people from us for a while, at least, to deepen your self-pity or remorse or regrets and truly isolate you.
*
did i say truly?
i'm all alone, God.
but for you.

a tiny but significant but.
i stand on higher ground.
"return to Me, declares the Lord Almighty, and I will return to you." Zec 1:3b

i die daily so i can live by your feet.
you're all i need.

promise me, Lord.

cut out all the religious jargon, the meaningless technicalities, the conflicting human rituals and trivial complexities.
i can't bother with those now,
that i've seen You.

promise me that at no point in my life
will i separate from you
and rebel in my own way

will i become proud
and stubborn and stiff-necked and refuse instruction
and detest discipline.

for everything i am
is nothing apart from You.

bless me, not according to my worldly plans- my vision has been wrong all this while
bless me even if it means walking on my knees before You
may all my purposes fail if they are not of You
let all my dreams fall to the ground if You don't approve.

take the wheel. i have tried to drive
i have collided, i have nothing left.

let me celebrate only as You celebrate.
let my sadness be only your bearable burdens
let my relief only come from You.
i exist only in You-in Your purposes, plans and decisions.

You are in heaven, and i am on earth.
so let my words be few.
God im in love with You.
i surrender it all, for everything more, or less.

For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. Matthew16:25

i will never settle for anything less.
this is a 'never' God will keep for me.

What Happened Last Night.

Nightmare. the most coherent and remembered dream i have had in years. i woke up breathing hard. in the dream i was cupping my mouth and going "Noo!..."

Setting: Old huge school campus, where some church conference was to be held.

Music Room
Amanda n i were worship leading for something. for a moment, i forgot her name (?!) and called her Sam(antha) distractedly. She was hurt and took out this crumpled letter i wrote to her before, penned quickly in blue ball-point ink, where i addressed her as Pam (?!?!)
Amanda: Why you always like that, look at this.. [shows letter]
Me (guilty): Ohh..sorry, i intended to tell u i wrote it wrongly, but..
Amanda (sarcastic): So sincere!

Canteen
Cherie, Amanda Heng and i were sitting in some canteen table eating and talking, when a man promoting things came over and asked us to buy a teddy bear in the box for $25. it came with alot of things, a nice blue Bible, some transparent plastic-y totebag, and other stuff i cant remember. Then i happened to remember we have to get something for a church gift exchange, and decided to share it with amanda, especially since it contained the bible and can be given to evangelise to non-christians as a gift. But, after buying that, another person (or same?) came to ask us to buy locally made t-shirts. Cherie bought two, one blue with black print on it (my gosh i still remember the cut and print), one i dunno what, and Amanda bought one. But i abstained. Conversation begins.

Cherie (certain displeasure): Eh, i realise that when it comes to church stuff you're willing to help, but then if its local industry then you very kiam siap leh.
Me (hostile) : At least i don't buy til i go broke..
Cherie: What?
Amanda (interrupts, trying to mediate): i think she means that she's getting broke buying stuff, so dont want to buy.
Cherie (defensive tone): me too what. when i go broke i'm very happy.
Me: -incredulous look-

journey to toilet
we decide to go to the toilet, Amanda and i.
It was a very old and cluttered place, with useless things lying around. There was some sort of rusty gantry (like the MRT's but lower, painted white and flaking and rusting.) Amanda and i put our stuff outside on the table beside it, and went through. As we walked down we passed the conference room where people were listening to the speaker, the floor was gray carpet, glass office doors on both sides of the corridor, normal tiles again, concrete, and we reached the quieter side of the school where the toilet was.

toilet
Just as Amanda is opening the door, my mind flashes back to Cherie and Sheila scouring the school and telling me afterwards that one of the toilets is haunted. So i immediately cry out, 'Wait! Cherie told me before that one toilet is haunted.'
Amanda: Huh! Don't scare me leh!
Me: -Cautiously opens the door-.. [At that moment the lights go out with a jolt.
Blood racing, yet senselessly bold, i barge in and shout
"in the name of Jesus, if anything here is unclean i command you to leave right now! in Jesus' Name! Thank you God, for this place is now Clean Ground, Thank You LORD!"
i spoke very quickly, shouted emphatically, action or faith or fear or adrenaline seized me.
Amanda cautiously follows behind. The toilet is dim but not completely dark cos evening light was streaming through the top window panes.
We enter the cubicles (!!) to pee, and suddenly hear the door creak open.

Out of paranoia, and more fear, i shouted again, "in the Name of Jesus, go!"
The door banged shut. The lock turned. Locked in.
Yet somehow, without saying a word, i realised that the person was a female teacher, who was trying to check if anyone was in the toilet due to the blackout.
I climbed out of the cubicle and over the sink, to where the window panes were. Just like i thought i had seen in movies before, i started removing the panes. All the while Amanda was lost on my consciousness, still in cubicle. i removed pane after pane after pane, til finally a hole big enough for us to go through was opened. there was a sense of excitement still, like we could escape from a place without anyone finding out who was inside, and i remember thinking to myself during the dream that a ghost story will be passed down that there was a screaming ghost inside who disappeared when teachers went in again. haha.
i called to Amanda to come out and escape. She made some whiney incomprehensible objections, like aiyah, huh, wait ah. Come to think of it, she sounded in discomfort and weak, but i was caught up during the dream with escape and did not catch it.

i tried to test whether the hole was big enough, so i turned sideways and pushed myself through, then jumped down. it was a decent height, not enough to harm. then i turned around and saw the track. i was standing on dusty concrete ground, where the PE equipment like hurdles were chucked, and was startled to see a tracker just rising from his sleep next to the hurdles!

Thankful he did not see me jump down, and in shock, i saw two other trackers coming over and telling him to return inside the school building. three of them made their way, and in order not to look conspicuous i decided to follow them, thinking Amanda would follow behind, and i would try to push them away and distract them so they wont see Amanda climbing out through the hole.

Chaos
Suddenly as we neared the school we saw throngs and throngs of students climbing up the stairs, through the corridors and heading toward their dorms. the excitement was high, a lot of buzzing, and i overheard some girls talking about a ghost.. so i thought the teacher thought the toilet was haunted and asked everyone to return to their rooms. i turned around and walked the other way, down the corridor, so packed with the crowd i was inching along and had no private will. As we got closer to the commotion I saw a group huddled around a yellow toy-looking walkie-talkie. Then i heard Amanda's voice!
"Hey, I'm fine. Even if i die right, its okay." Her voice sounded normal, i felt some relief, but also confusion, so many feelings to feel, to identify, it just swelled and swelled and formed a lump in my throat.
i saw Melissa Lim, my previous Literature teacher and asked her, "Where's Amanda?"
-----

over the enormous noise i could only catch fragments of her speech.

"..but at least with this recording, her father wont be too upset.. amanda died."

[everything stilled blank for a moment, white. still-art. before frantic thoughts clamoured and called and whirled and drummed in my head, thoughts that couldnt be stifled, questions that couldn't settle, all raving, jumping screaming like a siren for attention, HOW! HOW? did she jump down from the window? was she sick and died in the cubicle? What?!]

nothing made sense, senseless faces in a senseless crowd just droning and pulsing around me. the argument, me forgetting her name, her voice as i crawled through the panes, all returned to haunt me. everything inside me throbbing and churning, nobody to turn to, no where to run or hide.
too many words filled my mouth, but the only sound that escaped the jerk of my reaction was
"NOOOO!!!" shock-stricken, suffocating guilt, hands clasping mouth, eyes full of fear and incredulity.

i woke. breathing hard.

-----------------------------------------------

its so vivid, my hair's standing still. if any of you read this, especially Amanda, don't worry okay. it's just a dream, and i will never leave you alone in the cubicle, nor will i forget your name. i also will not argue with Cherie over such a petty matter since we have never flared up at each other again and dont intend to. i will not use God's name in vain. no teacher would lock people in a toilet. church conferences won't be held in such a run-down, infinitely extending campus. you'll never find one in singapore so full of clutter.
it's as though satan is picking at the bits of my life that are precious to me, so many things relevant to my thoughts. my close friendships, ronny's t-shirt making enterprise, in-the-name-of-Jesus (appears in so many many countless dreams). but he can never break them. they're in God's hands.

You, O Lord, will give perfect peace to those whose purpose is firm and trusts in You. -Isaiah 26:3

point-deaf

jac the wohman starts monday! another scheme, another adventure, another leap in the monotony of routine. yay!

i like this skin very much.
i'm sick of the silence. wishywashyseasick (sss..sibilance, n, effect of sound-words to reproduce real sounds)

i wanna run tmr. exams are over. i am free.

i have nothing to say.
and too much to think.

x