whistle. havent been blogging for a real long time. now that i'm here, ive no idea why i want to blog in the first place. the only thing i know is life is moving way.too.fast. for me. my whole year is plotted. like on a best-fit curve. trainings, term essays, march hols hockey camp, common tests, competition season, studystudystudy, prelims, a-levels, december. but things don't fit. they don't cling onto a curve the way they are supposed to. there are too many things tugging at the pieces that make them fall apart. things like church commitments. like family disturbance. like belonging. like different groups of friends. like rest.
i'm not a machine. i am generally happy but general is a leaking roof. i dont talk much sense nowadays. i dont talk. went out with erica n siew today. siew's bday on sometime this week. urgh i forget, i forget. she was unusually quiet. it was an awkward outing. but erica's fun. funky. spicy. :D here's the opportunity cost list of going out with them today:
1. drama feste
2. kenneth copeland
3. weights
4. rest
5. study
very heavy cost. especially the first two. im on for the prayer roster this saturday. o god, god, please flow in me. im like a gnarled root and the weight of the leaves n branches are weighing heavily, and the soil is drying to crust. the bark is beginning to peel, and im aching, cracking, crunching under burdens. hand them to you. that's all matters. YOU are the vine. undeceive me.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Sunday, February 13, 2005
altruism
relatives are over at my house now. wonder why people organise family REunions when they are so unhappy organising it. this house didnt get any peace since 12am when the cook started. wonder why people bother reuniting if its only a once a year formality, and we hardly know each other, and we make lame, limp comments like -
whoa! you're grown so tall.
silence.
why you so tanned? tennis?
ah. hockey.?
silence.
uh. are you in university now?
oh. jc.. ah. i see.
hrmm.
silence.
which one?
painful conversation, even more painful than the silences between the sparse talk.
rather like a harold pinter play, isnt it? with all the pronounced silences in between, and the fanfare farce. have an essay to rush out by tonight, the one that was due. uhm. 3 weeks ago. but my class is good at getting extensions. my teacher good at giving them. :] we are lazy businessmen in delayed exchanges, dreading the necessary. had a bbq at my plc on sat, class party on friday, gerry-jac-yingyi's hse on sat, stayed home today.
P-a-r-t-y. its a kinda flossy word with lots of sugared air in it and no substance, isnt it? we all look forward to it, then it comes and goes, and goes. sometimes its as though we go there seeking entertainment, especially in parties where you're not close to the people, you go there for yourself, to be seen. to see. that's hardly about people, about relationships, its about self.
i'm not complaining, parties can be fun. and all that jazz. just thinking, o k a y ?
Altruism
What if we got outside ourselves and there
really was an outside out there, not just
our insides turned inside out? What if there
really were a you beyond me, not just
the waves off my own fire, like those waves off
the backyard grill you can see the next yard through,
though not well -- just enough to know that off
to the right belongs to someone else, not you.
What if, when we said I love you, there were
a you to love as there is a yard beyond
to walk past the grill and get to? To endure
the endless walk through the self, knowing through a bond
that has no basis (for ourselves are all we know)
is altruism: not giving, but coming to know
someone is there through the wavy vision
of the self's heat, love become a decision.
Molly Peacock.
how very, stingingly, true.
cheers, its chinese new year.
whoa! you're grown so tall.
silence.
why you so tanned? tennis?
ah. hockey.?
silence.
uh. are you in university now?
oh. jc.. ah. i see.
hrmm.
silence.
which one?
painful conversation, even more painful than the silences between the sparse talk.
rather like a harold pinter play, isnt it? with all the pronounced silences in between, and the fanfare farce. have an essay to rush out by tonight, the one that was due. uhm. 3 weeks ago. but my class is good at getting extensions. my teacher good at giving them. :] we are lazy businessmen in delayed exchanges, dreading the necessary. had a bbq at my plc on sat, class party on friday, gerry-jac-yingyi's hse on sat, stayed home today.
P-a-r-t-y. its a kinda flossy word with lots of sugared air in it and no substance, isnt it? we all look forward to it, then it comes and goes, and goes. sometimes its as though we go there seeking entertainment, especially in parties where you're not close to the people, you go there for yourself, to be seen. to see. that's hardly about people, about relationships, its about self.
i'm not complaining, parties can be fun. and all that jazz. just thinking, o k a y ?
Altruism
What if we got outside ourselves and there
really was an outside out there, not just
our insides turned inside out? What if there
really were a you beyond me, not just
the waves off my own fire, like those waves off
the backyard grill you can see the next yard through,
though not well -- just enough to know that off
to the right belongs to someone else, not you.
What if, when we said I love you, there were
a you to love as there is a yard beyond
to walk past the grill and get to? To endure
the endless walk through the self, knowing through a bond
that has no basis (for ourselves are all we know)
is altruism: not giving, but coming to know
someone is there through the wavy vision
of the self's heat, love become a decision.
Molly Peacock.
how very, stingingly, true.
cheers, its chinese new year.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
pages.
pages
pages
waiting in line
to quarrel.
each trying to
jostle its neighbour
off balance
and claim centre stage.
the weaker trembles
in mid-air rooted flight
before silently retreating,
humbly bowing down, beaten,
to rest on a foundation
of historic losses.
there are pages
and other pages.
some are scene painters,
writer talks, character conversations,
the rare climax, end.
and the go-betweens-
silver binding threads,
that are often abandoned
in a whirl of fastforwards.
words stomp their feet
on the flat tissue floor
mark their territory, and hide
away from bruising eyes
that scrutinise.
until they are awakened
by rude rustling
of their yellowed cracked beds.
pages
waiting in line
to quarrel.
each trying to
jostle its neighbour
off balance
and claim centre stage.
the weaker trembles
in mid-air rooted flight
before silently retreating,
humbly bowing down, beaten,
to rest on a foundation
of historic losses.
there are pages
and other pages.
some are scene painters,
writer talks, character conversations,
the rare climax, end.
and the go-betweens-
silver binding threads,
that are often abandoned
in a whirl of fastforwards.
words stomp their feet
on the flat tissue floor
mark their territory, and hide
away from bruising eyes
that scrutinise.
until they are awakened
by rude rustling
of their yellowed cracked beds.
Monday, February 07, 2005
percents, throats, and fullstops,
ooh its been sometime since i blogged isnt it. sneeze. i tend to sneeze during marikita. or whenever i'm standing still, generally. wonder why. like some motion sensor in my nose or something. okay i shall not delve into the specifics.
school's been boring. what's new huh? ive been trying to pay attention, according to uncle allan its the 80-20 rule. if i pay 100% attention, the rest (80%) of the time i can spend having fun instead of revising what i should have listened to during lecture. makes sense huh? only problem is my focus is starting to wane...
and i don't get 80% to rest! that's an outright lie! about50% is spent training, 20% sleeping (to fuel new sources of energy), 10% eating (to recover lost energy), 10% shopping (to expend creative energy), 20% at church (to discover spiritual energy) and guess what? that's 110% already. brillianto. i always knew i was kinda special. super-womanish, you know. -.-
ack! getting a sore throat. before chinese new year!!! i love my cell group. i love woh woh. we went out that day, but without edlyn n alee. could have been more fun, next time we won't go shopping, DEFINITELY not in fareast. that place is a disgusting swamp of dyed hair, cheap imitations and gaudy cheesy fashion. and wrong sizes. ah tmr is a quarter-day school. means i get to go out with erica after that. wheee. hm. better inform her. its almost 10pm.
i am rambling, aren't i? its seldom that i do. im trying to expend a week's worth of words so i dont need to blog, haha. only kidding, it doesnt work like that. i dont mean to use commas so often, i just accidently press it instead of fullstops, see what i mean. i love fullstops,. so. much. better,. grrrr! i give up tying. TYPING.
tis the season to be jolly! tralalalalalallaa/
school's been boring. what's new huh? ive been trying to pay attention, according to uncle allan its the 80-20 rule. if i pay 100% attention, the rest (80%) of the time i can spend having fun instead of revising what i should have listened to during lecture. makes sense huh? only problem is my focus is starting to wane...
and i don't get 80% to rest! that's an outright lie! about50% is spent training, 20% sleeping (to fuel new sources of energy), 10% eating (to recover lost energy), 10% shopping (to expend creative energy), 20% at church (to discover spiritual energy) and guess what? that's 110% already. brillianto. i always knew i was kinda special. super-womanish, you know. -.-
ack! getting a sore throat. before chinese new year!!! i love my cell group. i love woh woh. we went out that day, but without edlyn n alee. could have been more fun, next time we won't go shopping, DEFINITELY not in fareast. that place is a disgusting swamp of dyed hair, cheap imitations and gaudy cheesy fashion. and wrong sizes. ah tmr is a quarter-day school. means i get to go out with erica after that. wheee. hm. better inform her. its almost 10pm.
i am rambling, aren't i? its seldom that i do. im trying to expend a week's worth of words so i dont need to blog, haha. only kidding, it doesnt work like that. i dont mean to use commas so often, i just accidently press it instead of fullstops, see what i mean. i love fullstops,. so. much. better,. grrrr! i give up tying. TYPING.
tis the season to be jolly! tralalalalalallaa/
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