gray.

greyday. Maya Angelou

The day hangs heavy
loose and grey
when you're away.

A crown of thorns
a shirt of hair
is what I wear.

No one knows
my lonely heart
when we're apart.




then it hits me. i've never been so lost before.
i don't know what to do. or think. or believe.

outgrown./

growing up
makes the swirling coloured carousel
pluck up pace
til the colours
and the music
spin off in a gray slur.




and the truth is.

i've outgrown these things.


p.s. sorry if that makes me mean. i dont cant really care.

dream.

he got married.

and i was the one passing them

the important stuff. like the ring.

only it wasnt a ring.

some food basket. ?

i didnt know it was a wedding.

i didnt know it was him.

i wouldn't have went if i did

then i got a message

like nothing ever happened

and i force myself to uncry all my illusions.

romantic illusion is a scary (notion) concept.- no i wont do a cheesy rhyme.-]

then the day fairytale seems to dissolve.

and i chase shreds of a broken damp thing.

that won't fly. the way dreams do on clouds.

and i wake up.

can i ever trust those.

dreams. people. illusions.

keep on lying your way out of here.

i'm afraid of what i will see in you when that smile's gone.

you've got a hold on me

You Remain - Arthur Symons

As a perfume doth remain

In the folds where it hath lain,

So the thought of you, remaining

Deeply folded in my brain,

Will not leave me; all things leave me;

You remain.

Other thoughts may come and go

Other moments I may know,

That shall waft me, in their going

As a breath blown to and fro;

Fragrant memories, fragrant memories

Come and Go.

Only thoughts of you remain

In my heart where they have lain-

Perfumed thoughts of you, remaining

A hid sweetness, in my brain.

Others leave me; all things leave me;

+you remain.

if you miss a void into a hollow a gap into a hole a

dent into a depression

what do i do then? it's missing something deeper. still.

crisismas ):

christmas is so stressful.
endless gifts to buy cards to ponder crap to munch to write to bargain to shop for to arrange
and that makes me feel stupid.
cos it all ends in one day
the day on which Jesus probably wasn't even actually BORN on,
its just symbolic.
and im not focusing on him enough!

and orientation is just eating up the christmas spirit. my school's all green.
and im in there 10 hours a day. that means
half of christmas is lost
the passion
the red
raw fun.

and i still try n understand why this isnt what it should be.

darn the rats

today was so, so much better. God really hears and acts on your behalf. anyway i happen to scare people. some people in church anyway. don't seem to have that kind of effect in school. (darn it.) hah. appearing scary has its benefits. it keeps the flies off your tail. (most, but not all. darn it.) orientation is snowballing now. hope the hype culminates in a bang. not too keen on futile preparations. kayaking tmr! but i carefully conceal that fact to prevent mumsy and dracula sister from dragging me out from the sea. and i changed my blog add, without telling anyone. gives me a new lease of freedom, somehow. maybe i'll give out the add sometime when i feel like it. and when i dont i'l switch again and the inane cycle continues. rat poison kills you.

out.

YOU.

you. why cant you just SEE all the help you're already getting? n stop trying to get more.
you just perpetually slump in this self-pitying trench and try to drag everyone down with you.
i hate that.

and you. can you just STOP asking stupid questions. it's just shallow talk. and it doesn't, won't work on me. im too cynical.

you! .who, me? yeah. just stop trying to analyse everything. n make sense of things. cos nothing fits. get it? n the only thing u can trust in man for is to let you down. so just give it up.

.says the

me that hates

the yous

used me

blew.

absolute.

going The Rock tmr. heh. service is at 7pm but we gotta queue at 5!! its crazy! hrm. but if you're crazy for someone good then its justified right? it just occured to me that if you want to purify something, you cleanse it to become like something else. that you consider desirable. and perfect. and good. and that something else has to be a standard, like an absolute. that's why mao's 4 Old Reforms failed in my opinion. there was no one to be the pole to measure anything by. so if the something else isnt pure, how can the administrators, and the methods be uncontaminated? Mao never took the blame, even after the disasters of great leap or cultural rev. he blamed the lower level officials for not understanding the conditions of the peasants/ people. so in that way even during his 'Self-Criticisms' he diverted blame from himself when he was the source of that pollution.

and thats also why only God can truly purify. he's the only Absolute. the creator of absolutes.

God whispers to us in our pleasures,

speaks to us in our conscience,

but shouts to us in our pains.

it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

C.S. Lewis.

.there must be more than this. leave me abandoned to your praise.+

brown

the long awaited camps are concluded. they were beyond imagination. wow. God really hears prayers and ACTS on them. to such a degree you would be astounded. GOD RULES! wrote a report on fbic camp. if you wanna see it, ask. (ask and you will receive) :)

J.C. is in the house.
watched national treasure today. it is quite good. heard alexander sucks. hrms.
found a cool quote:

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by frost." - Aragorn, Lord of the Rings

favourite colour of the moment: brown. bought my esprit sling bag :D its brown.

miscellanous

1. i am going away tomorrow
2. i love lists.
3. the fbic camp is gonna rock. because He reigns.
4. bless the weather.
5. bless our hearts.
6. the next time i will have an opportunity to blog will be the 10th. i am not looking forward to it. cos it means the end of church camps. and the start of school prepns.
7. bless the camp committee.
8. all for YOUR greatest glory.
9. what's the difference between a transcript and a score??
10. i hate jargon.

i think the brief stint at the office brought down my expectations of my future working environment. i never knew a 'small company' could be THAT small. or that ulu. and the working world is driven round by swirls of cigarette smoke. everywhere i walk along keppel road i have to evade embracing consuming claws of smoke that swarm this way and there by the wind. the world doesn't bother about pollution anymore. i bet their minds are smoked through and through. when the Worker's tired, he smokes to relieve stress. when he's happy, he smokes to celebrate. he's downcast and he smokes to forget his troubles. he's bored and he smokes just to do something. it's just a mask.

for goodness sake, the only square inch of airspace that seems to not have enough of that foul gas is that smokers' LUNG.

.when will you realise that?