shoppadeedoodah

+my shopping list.

1. the esprit corduroy sling bag
2. the fox red pullover with my jersey no. on it $39; or
3. the gola pullover thats $46.70 but looks smarter
4. nice sandals like berkenstocks (yet to be found)
5. a camera phone
6. an mp3 player

but technically its not MY shopping list anymore cos i cant afford the stuff on it. so.. i'll probably wait til next christmas. the count down to the camp.
>> 5 DAYS!!

*shiver*.

things, they look more pristine in dusty old footprints, in trailing shadows,

behind that closed door.

.past

burnt edges

too many sides and every edge cuts.
we went to violet1 today and the service is HORRID. beyond horrid. got into an argument with that LadyCruellaBoss. cos they meant to cheat us!! only when we set in that they told us each person HAD to get a drink (one glass of coke costs 5bucks. welcome to the 'Nothing is free and people are out to cut your throats in this World' world.) sometimes i think i'm too critical of people. like i always think any stranger who stops me on the street and asks me qns is mad. (like ytd when this guy asked me where to get 'that bag' in the middle of heeren. it was my 'hockey stick bag'. weird.) and that tattooed hairtailed bleached hair torn pants guy who asked for change for 5 bucks on the bus.. i just totally blew him off. i think it was fear more than anything else. fear that the person's mad (just like i am?)
maybe im too dense with animal courage and lacking of mental courage. like godfrey in silas marner. and i hide it all under the guise of calm nonchalance. no i'm just too afraid. too wary, and too untrusting.

slice.
the side you want to see,
its too sharp.
if it watches you, who you are,
gliding against what it expects of you,
you are gone.

watery.

heylo. am at the office again. hullaballooo. boo. i am chewing on my rockmelon before the air completely dehydrates it. the toilet here is pretty dark. and abit spooky. everything about this place is abit un-singaporish. at least un-the singapore i know-ish. the toilets arent exactly clean, the floortiles look sooty and not sparkly Magiclean-type. i am suffering from town-withdrawal symptoms. would you believe it the whole of this holiday i have not stepped into town more than 3 times. or was it 2 times? i am seriously deprived. back to the spooky toilet. i half-expect someone to pop up from behind the cubicles. but i scare myself. the only one who does any popping is the Cleaning Lady. i've seen her in there a couple of times already. unlike those from my school she does not glare or break out in combustive exclamations of disgruntlement when i step on her newly washed floor. or maybe its because the term 'Cleaning' is highly ironic (not to mention misused). She just waters the floors and hoses down the walls and the toilet bowls until everything in that toilet is a damp, watery, soggy, mashy, water pool. (She would be more aptly named the Watering Lady). i can imagine the sodden black particles floating up with the daily rising flood and dangling there, on the surface, and the water slowly residing into the drains and evaporating and the same sodden black particles sinking back onto the toilet floor. maybe they migrate one whole tile away. but apart from slight discontinuations the toilet floor remains in its more or less fixed cyclical state of cleanliness.

you see when you have nothing to do in a conducive office, you can write about alot of things. next time i can even churn out whole gp essays, or lit P.Cs. OR, you could pay me to write one for you! my business space within an office desk. how cool.

next week church camps start. i'm tremblingly excited, so excited i just want to jump out of this claustrophobia-inducing office cell, away from the sodden grimy toilet floors and obiang coffeeshops and run all the way down to malacca. bad example. so excited i want to < insert cliche >fly away like a bird! So excited i feel like i'm < insert chinese cliche >an ant jumping on a hot wok! OR i can be original and say, i'm so excited.

whats wrong with understating things huh.

oh God, this camp is about YOUR people. its not about programmes, its not about technicalities. you said Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto us as well. So i commit the whole camp, its technical aspects, its physical conditions, but most importantly its campers, into your hands. and i know Lord, that nothing i can ever try to do will be as successful as what you plan and accomplish.

Be thick among us Lord.

wohwoh.

wohwoh! strong wind! -yells hoots honks tonks rattles shrieks waves frantically toward uncle allan's car on the highway- riding a high now, just got back from Malaysia (truly Asia). zhonyun (mizzie) amanda (1) amanda (2) and jac (siao eh) and myself had a hootfulluffatime just going crazy and little and childish all over again. not forgetting the guy (sane) counterparts like uncle allan, david, royston & kaifeng..
its been such a sharp reversal from last week (that was waxing gray) that these 2 days have been all colour and music and laughter and God and joy and dance and leaps rolled intoagiantball. like a thousand of Malacca's chicken rice balls lumped together. (chickenriceballs give a new meaning to "chicken rice war" ;p)
i have a feeling all this sounds vague and random- but trying to narrate precisely would cheapen this experience. so im not gonna.
anyway imagination running wild, unkempt and messily entangled (like windblown hair) will paint you a better picture than any i could describe. (thus the loophole of the harry potter movie series) loveyounutcases.
am so totally looking forward to camp. God, thank you!!!
out.

.consuming/fire

There must be more than this

oh breath of God come breathe within

There must be more than this

Spirit of God we wait for you

Fill us anew we pray

consuming Fire

Fan into flame a passion for your name

Spirit of God fall in this place

Lord have ur way with us

Come like a rushing wind

Fill us with power from on high

Now set the captives free

leave us abandoned to your praise

Lord let your glory fall

mirror

empty

did the busyness or the emptiness hollow my life first? now they just seem to coexist.
emptiness invites shallow activity and busyness beckons a mindless empty.

God please empty me of me
and fill me with you.
direct my thoughts.
i want to trust in Your Name,
in Your present goodness
because your plans, unlike mine,
do not fail.

when all things that surround become shadows in the light of you.

this week: wrok in teh mrionngs, tanirig in teh einnevgs & god beweten, thhoruguot, in teh mdidle of erevyihtng.

I am a Leader.

have been meaning to type something earlier than this, but too many things have caught up with me and kept my mind off the computer for about 4 days. Or i have caught up with them. It's hard to focus when i'm busy, and tired, and drained, and animated, and pensive, and dull.
i don't mean focus on God, i mean focus on anything. like being so many things in one moment-
its like a disease.
the most fun i had was yesterday night. at chompchomp with them people. so thank you and you and you and you. other than that.. life's pretty much cluttered by training, by crawling up and down slimy staircases. ( my church youth were karang guni for the weekend, knocking on doors and begging them for their refuse. junk. whatchamacallit. i thought only famous people had precious trash. i thought wrong. )
sometimes i dont wanna care about anything about the phone calls or the messages or the big people or the clothes or the travelling or the office or the reverse hits or the doors. but that's irresponsible. and that's BAD. and i pick up all the little broken pieces, and the leftover crumbs, and bendover backwards to pull everything back into me again (including my mind.soul) with the word RESPONSIBILITY flashing over my head like a chopper sign pulling at my neck, and the weight accumulates like trash from the different floors and it all falls on top of me.
and i drown.

but that's bad too. i dont drown. im not supposed to. i am above the flood, because God is with me. i am not delusional. i just exaggerate.

nothing is as bad as it seems. blogging just blows up everything.

its a happy day, and things are gonna get better.

i am a leader going somewhere,

i just don't know yet.

kenny

in this office where i reside and slowly decompose, there is an uncle we call kenny. he is very given to nervous breakdowns and shuttles and worms and flies in zigzag ( how i imagine all hornets, no, tiny lightflies to blindly bustle )all around the office constantly. he is always busy, too busy with the faxes and the phone calls and the mail couriers and more phone calls (from the customer, the shipper, the foreign forwarder..) too busy to delegate or hand me some ropes. the workload is very uneven in this office. i pop inane bubbles on the comp screen (everyone shld try frozen bubble.) and fiddle with the typewriter and blog, and read wild swans, and check my email, keeping busy to relief me from my busiless-ness. and all this time he still makes devastated whimpering sounds and swarms around the office, chanting 'busybusy..today is bad, BAD day.'
he has no concept of dynamic efficiency. he comments daily that he is too busy, and is almost apologetic that he cant teach me things, too much to do. but he does not realise that this is a daily occurence, and he will never find a day where he will be free-er until the day he does abit more talking to give me some work, until the day he lets me do the faxing and the phone calling. little things like this i can manage, and more. but he does not realise that.
so in the meanwhile i sit here blogging, he bustles around and groans and talks about buddha jumping walls. in chinese.
he is abit like the southpark kenny, that keeps on dying. if he continues in this incessant, perpetual state of nervous anxiety, he will internally combust. but i should not say that. he is a good man.

grays of blue

but if it all falls apart, leave the past black and white and not gray, so i may be certain, perhaps, that you once were.

There's little joy in life for me,
And little terror in the grave;
I've lived the parting hour to see
Of one I would have died to save.
Charlotte Bronte- On the Death of Anne Bronte.

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead --
There were no birds to fly.
Lewis Caroll- The Walrus and the Carpenter.

throne of the ignored

went to uncle allan's house for cellgroup today morning. and then to church to pay homage to the queenly regal majesties of the 11am sunday school. (those gritty p6es are coming under my charge nx yr). they're too high and mighty to be bothered about miniscule insignificants like Yours Truly, and did not bother to give a decent look in the eye response to any of my questions.

then we played the impossible game Bible Baffle, even the Church Director couldnt answer the questions. some game. haha. zombified now. gonna sleep. the dual life is killing me off slowly man. work + training.

hello bello.

today

today is the day we had training in the morning is the day of saturday is the day sarah munloh jingo n belle played ps2 at my house is the day we pigged out is the day we stood behind the goalpost like chickens on a firing squad line-up is the day pau took many shots at sarah and almost shaved off our heads is the day i went to youth service is the day God taught me about covenants is the day he is real, just like every other day.

i am cow
hear me moo
i weigh twice as much as yoo
and i look good on a barbeqoo
yoghurt curd cream cheese and butter
from the bottom of my udder
i am cow, i am cow
hear me moo-oo.

today is the day i go mad.

oh, i'll be travelling a life time

school is over, so is pw (never be revived).. am in the office now with nothing to do. occasionally i am given bits of paper to file, and i go to Microsoft Excel and type in a few figures and feel important. i really have precious little to do. and nothing to say to nobody.
still, the most hectic part of my monotonous schedule is the travelling. here's a recount of yesterday's events.
1.Wake up at an unearthly ungodly time of 7am (first day of holiday!!)
2.Parents drop me at the mrt
3.Realise i have forgotten my wallet
4.Cross the road and take the shuttle bus back to my obscure abode
5.Take the shuttle bus out of my obscure abode.
6.Take to Redhill to change to bus 145
7.Miss bus 145.
8.Get on bus and receive sms that match in late afternoon is NOT floorball but hockey match
9.No hockey stick, no shin guards, no attire, no socks..
10.Calls from friends, everyone is disoriented as match is not floorball
11.Borrow hockey everything, was disgruntled that i had to make my way from work to hockey match against giants.
12.Missed call from church mate, called back to hear he already has needed information ohicalledso-and-soalready,justwantedtoconfirmsomething-or-otherthankyouverymuch (cheat my money)
13.Stopped phone business and realised i'm near port which is near office building which is where i'm supposed to be. and got off bus.
14.Wrong busstop.
15.Take cab to office. :(
16.In the office. This is home, truly.
17.Yay, away from office! uncle drive me to Buona Vista
18.Raining cats and dogs and monkeys and donkeys and gorillas.
19.Friends in school, not mrt.
20.Take cab to school. :( wasted3bucksagain.

cabs are evil. they suck money out of you and exploit your vulnerability to weather conditions and give you motion sickness.

i will invent and champion a Teleport Machine!!