Confession

I am not a very good homemaker.  I don't have a ton of patience for playing with my son.  I'm not one of those 'pinterest' moms with tons of fun/learn by play activities planned for everyday. I'm not a fan of cleaning, and, to be honest, did little of it until recently.  I am your average, get the family fed, get the food vacuumed off the floor, and make sure the dishes and laundry are done kind of mom.

Everyday I have intentions to be so much better.  To give my son my undivided attention for at least an hour. To not only do minimal upkeep of the house, but to also have it actually -clean- (think inside the microwave, oven, etc.) And also to focus more on things that I like to do/need to do.  These can vary from crochet items that have a deadline to compiling the tax information to sent to our CPA.  And at the end of every day, I have failed.  My son was lucky to get 15 minutes of my time, the taxes can wait, and this crocheted diaper cover doesn't -have- to be done until Valentine's Day. What's with the excuses and procrastination!? What do I do all day!?

I don't know.  I confess. I don't know where the time goes or how I manage to get so little done in each 24 hour period.  I am a stay at home mom.  My JOB is to take care of the house and my son and I feel I am failing.  We are not living in filth, especially lately with my cleaning kick (the microwave and refrigerator are both sparkling, thank you very much). But seriously, there are enough hours in the day for me to wonder why so much is always left undone.

This is more of a reflection post than anything.  I don't expect a lot of response.  Just putting it out there on the off chance that someone can relate. 

New Year New Me

So what prompted this sudden interest in sustainable living?  Well, first off, the New Year.  I know what you're thinking, 'New Year's resolutions don't stick, why can't you better yourself at any time, not just at the New Year, etc. etc. etc.'  Well, I'm here to tell you, there is a benefit to being inherently stubborn and a perfectionist to boot.  New Year's  resolutions DO stick if you're too prideful to let them not. ;)

Take the year (2007?) I decided to give up all soda/pop/coke/whateverintheworldyoucallitinyourneckofthewoods.  Not only did I not drink pop for that year, I have continued to not drink it since.  Following that year I have not been so strict on myself, of course, the occasional (i.e. once a year) icee Coke or Sprite will not kill me and at times I will indulge.  Those times are few and far between, though, and I largely view myself as being 'soda free.'

So this New Year (2014) came around and I found myself in quite the predicament.  There were absolutely too many things I wanted to change about myself.  And now before you go saying, "Allah created you, be happy as you are."  No, no, no...you misunderstood.  I am happy being me! I am happy with the hair, skin, body, brain, family, LIFE Allah gave me! Alhumdullilah for it all! The problem, then, lies in how I am taking care of the hair, skin, body, brain, family, and even Earth Allah gave me.  I want to be healthier, not for appearance reasons, though that may be a perk that comes, but as an act of worship to Allah.  I want to better take care of my body, home, and family.

With this realization came the reality that one cannot change so many things as I wanted to change at one time.  I read that making new habits takes 21 days.  I also read that the magic '21 days' was a load of crap.  Regardless, I decided to focus on doing just one thing to better myself for 21 days and go from there.  What was this life changing one thing?  Flossing.  I decided I would floss after brushing in the morning every day for 21 days.  And what do you know, I did it! I'm now at 28 days, and in the blink of an eye I'll be at 365. If I can give up soda, I can take on flossing.  I truly believe that I can stick with it and make it a lifelong habit.

Hooray for small victories! Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I could not contain my excitement to better other aspects of my life so I've made some other changes within the 21 days although I wouldn't yet call them habits. One thing that we are working on as a family is better eating habits.  I am not giving up all sweets or going on a crazy diet.  What I am doing, is attempting to feed everyone in the family breakfast, lunch, and supper every day.  Say what? Isn't that what normal people do?  Perhaps.  We got into the routine, however, of having breakfast, snacks, and a giant supper.  Not good for the metabolism.  Also, if my husband got too hungry at work, he'd go for fast food which is not only unhealthy, but also a bad choice financially.  I have been packing my husband's lunch daily in this baby:

Imported from Japan, it even came with chopsticks! (that we don't use). It is small but perfect for a light lunch.  I also love that the reusable containers fit perfectly inside and mean I don't have to use wasteful plastic bags.  I've acquired a number of other containers for my son's lunchbox as he will be bringing his lunch everyday when he starts school in the fall.  Allergy and religious dietary restrictions mean that boy is never walking through the lunch line.  Also, to be more sustainable, I pack real silverware and (for my son) a reusable water bottle to again cut down on plastic waste.

The third item I've begun, and the one I'm struggling most with, is weekdaily (yes I made that word up...it is intended to mean M-F) ab exercises.  I gave up the gym before the move (over a year ago) and boy does it show on my stomach and on the scale.  I've had this nifty DVD for years:

In past attempts to exercise at home I always committed the fatal flaw of creating unrealistic goals for myself.  I'd tell myself I'd do 30 minutes of exercise a day, or 50 minutes 3-4 days a week, or some other combination that I just could not realistically jump into without building up to it.  For that reason, my goal was to do 10 minutes weekdaily (the DVD has five 10 minute routines).  Even that has been hit or miss, three days one week, two the next, four the next, etc.  Actually hitting all 5 days of the week hasn't happened but it's something I've only started this month so I'll get there!  I am already at the point where I don't get sore afterwards so I'm progressing whether I've totally hit my stride or not.  Once I've got this down, I obviously want to eventually add more as a) you need to work out your whole body, not just your core, and b) 10 minutes of physical activity a day does not equal a healthy lifestyle!

So that's that.  Those are the first steps taken to make myself a more healthy, productive human being in the new year.  As I mentioned in my prior post, I am also focusing on replacing items around my house with more natural/chemical free/reusable alternatives so I'll be getting more into that soon.  Wishing you all a healthy, happy (belated) New Year!

Redirection

It is no secret that I've been struggling to get back into blogging.  I think the problem was the original purpose of the blog, whether stated or not, was to chronicle the struggles I faced in accepting Islam. The struggle internally, to forgo what I had believed for 21 years, and the struggle externally to come out to those that love me despite their disappoint and shock.  Once the drama died down, there wasn't a great deal to write about.  No more angry confrontations with my parents, telling any remaining friends has been (thankfully) anticlimactic.  It's just been, well, 'boring' from the blog stand point.  Make no mistake, I am so grateful my life is not in such turmoil regarding my personal identity and religious choice at this point in my life, but that does raise concerns for, "where does the blog go from here?"

It seems I tried for a time to make the blog too personal (for example, my last post, and the yearly updates that preceeded it).  This is too high school for my liking.  I had a live journal back in those days, and it was all. about. me. As a 26 year old, it just seems in poor taste. 

I can only write when I'm passionate about something new, am going through an exciting, or devastating, life change.  Am I not passionate about Islam any longer? I am, certainly. I am 100% certain that this is what I believe.  I don't feel like debating or delving into how it differs from my old beliefs, though.  I'm past that.  I also have no interest in debating haram vs. halal. I also feel a bit like a sham writing about religious issues when I still cannot bring myself to wear hijab in front of my parents and I still do not pray as I should.

So where to go from here? I am ashamed to admit, I am a bit passionate about shopping.  It is something I truly enjoy doing.  Finding the perfect gift for someone in my family, the perfect modest dress for myself, the perfect gadget that will make my life so much easier.  Shopping takes money, though, which I do not have a lot of.  Buying too many 'perfect' things, also leads to clutter and over consumption, which I am not okay with.  So recently I've been combining my love of shopping with my hatred of over consumption.  It sounds like an oxymoron, I'll give you that! What has resulted is a much more sustainable and chemical free household, and I am only just getting started.

I am planning on writing blog posts covering things I used to use regularly in my household, that I have now replaced with a reusable and/or chemical free alternative.  Will this bore some of my past followers? Perhaps.  How could I change from blogging about Islam to becoming one of those 'crunchy,' 'natural' people? Easily! Striving to be the best me includes not only my spiritual self but also how I take care of my family and this earth that Allah (swt) gave us.  I do believe it is an act of worship to try and lessen the (negative) environmental impact I am making on the Earth and think many of my readers would agree. 

So all the best to you and I hope you'll stick around.  Please know the blog will NOT be EXCLUSIVELY about sustainable living.  This is not my only passion and other things will creep in from time to time, possibly quite often.  This is just a new 'series' I am toying with and excited to start in the near future. I also have a few un/semi related posts I'd possibly like to get in before then.

Life After School...and Other Horror Stories

So I promised a return to the blogging scene in April, did I not?  Well, for those of you who've stuck with me, good things come to those who wait!

I am going to consider this my re-launch.  Hopefully meaning I'll be able to keep up with posting semi-regularly about current events and what have you, rather than giving the bi-yearly update on life that the past two years have seen.

So what's with my title?  Well, kids, life after college is not all it's cracked up to be.  You see, when my husband was in school, he was on Saudi scholarship.  That means he got paid, not particularly well as he could not report myself or our son due to our marriage not being approved in KSA, but predictable income we had, and additionally, my husband had 100% of his health expenses covered as part of this scholarship.

At the same time, our son qualified for state health insurance, and I was permitted, due to the ever controversial "Obamacare" to stay on my dad's insurance through my 26th birthday.

Well, my husband graduated in December of 2012 with a 4.0 and an M.S. from an accredited university....to absolutely no job prospects.  And it was not for lack of trying....I've got a handy spreadsheet keeping track of job hunt statistics and from Sept. 2012-March 2013 he applied for approximately 210 jobs, all actually in his field, had 10 interviews, and obtained one low paying internship position.  For those who didn't follow, that means we had absolutely no income for almost three months, and the income we've had ever since is only keeping us afloat due to the generosity of both of our parents.

Additionally, my husband lost his health coverage following graduation.  Our son lost state coverage for reasons not to be disclosed, and I turned the dreaded 26.  I know what they say about lemons and lemonade, but by golly I must not have the right recipe.

My friend's husband described it well, graduating from graduate school.  In his words, "Everyone is congratulating you when really, your life is just like one big deflating balloon."

And before anybody finds a high horse to get up on, I know there are those who have it worse.  War torn countries, evil dictators, critical illness, actual unemployment rather than underemployment and what have you.  I know, I know, I know, and I thank Allah everyday for what I DO have.  Despite this knowledge and gratitude, however, I'm still holding out for a more stable future both financially and geographically.  I have a son who is uninsured, has never been to preschool because we couldn't afford it, and is supposed to start school in the fall and we don't even know where we'll live.  Please forgive me for wanting to provide for his basic needs.

So that's 2013 in a nutshell.  And 2014 is set to start the same way.  So far as we know, my husband's internship ends at the end of December which could catapult us back into unemployment.  To counter that, the job hunt has begun again and the spreadsheet displays 50 job applications since June, with two interviews.  Seriously, America the land of opportunity my arse.

Have we thought about relocating to lessen our financial woes?  He has.  I am adamant about staying in the states.  This country is far from perfect, but my family is here and it's all my son knows.  I know my husband's family is far, but he made the choice to come here for school, to marry me, and to obtain permanent resident status.  I made the choice to marry him, yes, but with the understanding that we would make our permanent home HERE in the U.S.  He has had a job opportunity "back home" in KSA.  The salary would be over 3 times what he's currently making, and they have universal health care.  Does that make me a selfish person, to make us stay here uninsured and living in poverty?  One may think so.  I truly am not sure myself, some days.  However, at this point I prioritize family and freedom over money, so judge away.  I am not fond of the Saudi government nor many of their cultural 'norms.' And neither is my husband or he would have already gone.

And so life, full of its uncertainties, goes on.

I'm alive and...well...

not very well as of today.  Ask me tomorrow; maybe I'll have a better outlook.

It's been a year since I've posted.  A lot has happened in that past year, and looking back, not a lot of it is very uplifting.  I truly miss blogging and the camaraderie of following "friends" blogs and hearing feedback on my own posts.  Graduate school ate my life this past year, but just two more projects and then I will be done.  I plan to never go to school again as long as I live.  Good gravy, 20 years is enough!

I just reread some old blog posts, and my goodness do I sound young, naive, and whiny.  If there's anyone still reading this....why did you continue to follow me? lol, I wish I were joking, but that's the nature of growing up.  Our former selves no longer "knew" all we thought they did.

This is just a short note proclaiming my re-entry into the blog scene.  Don't expect any updates until the semester is out.  In case you're concerned, the goings on of the past year, despite how trying they have been and continue to be, have not taken a toll on my faith in Allah (swt) (although I don't "practice" Islam nearly so much as I should) or my marriage, mash'Allah.  Insha'Allah I can count on that to be the case for the long haul.

Islamic Swimwear

I've never been a fan of Islamic swimwear, or the "burkini" if you will.  I've contemplated purchasing one on many different occasions, however, regardless of my feelings on their look, but always talked myself out of it.

The things I couldn't get around were:

a) cost

and

b) attached hood.


Islamic swimsuits are EXPENSIVE.  At least to frugal ol' me.  Any piece of clothing I purchase is within the $5-$30 range with very few exceptions for special occasions or outerwear (coats).  I had a bikini back in high school that actually cost $80.  My mom bought it for me for Easter though.  Even she was upset with the cost but it was literally the only one that fit me right and covered enough for us both (me and my mother) to be comfortable.  After that experience, bikini buying fell to me, and I probably never spent over $40 myself. 

My first summer as a Muslim I was not fully covering yet so I bought board shorts and a short sleeved rash guard (think surfing) to wear swimming.  The two combined were probably close to $50, and I wore it about twice, both times being uncomfortable. It's strange because you feel "too covered" when with your family (cousins, etc.) all in their bikinis, but yet not covered enough as a Muslim who knows you need to actually cover much more.  So you're uncomfortable on two fronts!

Next you have the attached hood.  Ooooh this hood has been the deterrent for dozens of swimwear purchases.  I just think it's the goofiest looking thing.  I wear hijab and feel pretty.  I wear an attached swimhood and feel like a conehead. 

So, a number of factors with the upcoming summer caused me to 'dive' back into the search for Islamic swimwear.  The first is my son's age.  At 3.5 he knows what swimming is, knows he wants to do it, and knows he wants Mommy to do it with him.  The second is my husband's internship...in Louisiana.  We'll be an hour from the beach, the apartment has a pool and 'whirlpool' and I have no desire to just sit on the sidelines.

Ignoring the cost aspect and telling myself the next article I edit will almost pay for the suit (which is true), I ordered a two piece hoodless suit from Splashgear. 

It was this suit only with no hood (the hood is a third piece for an additional $15) and flowered pants instead of the plain black (about $102 USD including shipping).  Well, using the size chart I ordered small bottoms and a medium top.  It was huge!  The bottoms were ridiculously baggy and the sleeves of the top were too long and it just looked sloppy.  I planned on exchanging it for a smaller size in navy blue (with navy blue flowered pants).  I would be out return shipping but I knew with the current fit of the suit I would never wear it.

Well, suddenly, my husband decides he does not like this suit at all.  He says he thinks the flowered pants look goofy.  I counterargued that the plain pants did not look like me at all, which he agreed, so the decision was made to simply return the suit and continue the search. 

The very next day I was excited to find a hoodless option at Modestly Active.  Without even receiving the $90+ back for the former suit (which is still pending, insha'Allah soon!) I ordered the suit shown right for about $110 USD.  It shipped from the UK super fast arriving today.

Much to my dismay, however, they did not send the right suit!  They sent the exact same suit, but with a hood! 

I promptly e-mailed the company as to how to remedy the situation without having to pay return shipping to the UK.  While waiting for their response, I decided to try the suit on.

The hood is just as ridiculous as feared.  HOWEVER, after ordering the hoodless option (with the intention of wearing a normal shayla hijab with it) I started to worry that I would not be allowed to swim with a hijab in public pools and water parks, etc.  (making my purchase not so useful).  I played around with the hood and no, could not make it look good to me or my husband, but was happy with a shayla wrapped around it.  Also, the hood can be pulled down without looking too silly if you're with women, family, etc. 

How I hope to wear it dependent upon pool policies.

A necessary evil.

I had convinced myself that the hood was a good mistake, when I received an e-mail from the company saying they'd send out the hoodless asap and transfer return shipping $$ to my paypal account to send back the hooded suit. 

So now I'm waiting to hear if they received my e-mail saying "No!  Please don't fix your mistake!  I like the hood!"  lol.  So yes, the hood looks funny, but if swimming at a public pool or park with regulations, there's a good chance hijabs will be seen as dangerous/unhygenic/not allowed, so the hood is a necessary option.  However, at the beach, private pools, etc.  I will take advantage of the option to wrap a shayla around it making it more feminine and less alien. I apologize for the poor quality photos!  I was using my phone and the lighting is bad, etc.  I just wanted to give you a visual of the hood and the hood w/hijab (how I hope to wear it!)

Does anyone read this anymore?

Just in case someone does, short recap time!

Hijab - still wear it 100% of the time in Kentucky, 40% of the time in Indiana (any time I'm not around my parents). 

Prayer - REALLY struggling lately.  I was doing the best I've ever done during Ramadan and now I've totally lost it.  This semeste'rs work load starting the trend and it's become a habit.  I do more du'a now than in the past, but I realize the ritual prayer is the most important and I need to do a lot better.

School - A day or two before the semester began the college e-mailed me saying, "your program is being cancelled.  You must finish within the next three semesters.  Plan accordingly."  Well, my plan had been to take one course a semester.  It's graduate school, it's hard, I've got a son, and I work (more on that later).  I was in no hurry to rush through.  So, I had to add a class this semester (and all of the following) as well as take courses this summer in order to get done on time.  Thankfully, my complaints about finding tuition money for these extra unplanned courses resulted in about $2000 heading my way.  Yay for school being paid for!

Work - I am still an Independent Consult for Thirty-One Gifts but am planning on retiring at the end of April.  There are multiple reasons for this: a) I am too busy with other things to give the business the time it requires to succeed, b) everyone is poor right now and doesn't have money to spend on bags/purses, c) I think I'm annoying my friends, d) it's a Christian company and I feel like a fraud, e) 5 months in and I've still spent more than I've made, and f) new catalog is released May 1, I can't afford another catalog launch (new supplies, etc. etc.). 

More work - I am happily working as proofreader/editor for The New Muslim Survey, found here: http://www.thenewmuslimsurvey.org/ .  Take the survey; make your voice heard!  :)  Any errors found on the website are not my fault!  I edit the articles only, the little website "blurbs" were typed without my input.  :/

Family - My family still does not like that I'm Muslim.  My mom is getting better, though she wouldn't admit it.  She cooks separate zabiha food for us, called me the other day about a sale on long sleeved layering shirts at Wal-Mart, etc.  I openly show my brother pictures of me in hijab.  My grandmother's could both use a great deal of prayer.  Alzheimers seems to be winning more each day.  :(

Friends - I HAVE FRIENDS IN KENTUCKY!  One night last fall I had four (Muslim) women in the park ask me to join them and I thought I was on my way out of loneliness.  When they found out my husband was Shi'a, however, they never got ahold of me again  UNTIL months later, one of them had the audacity to ask for help with her research paper.  I had tried to get ahold of her in the past hoping to go to the park for a gathering again or something but was ignored.  So, no, I didn't help her with her paper.  I am an extremely nice person, often too nice for my own good, but this time it was NOT happening. 

I did meet one friend, during that time period, who has since moved in next door (thanks to my pleas to the landlord).  I thought I was happy with just one friend, my husband and son, my stressful schooling, and my random attempts at work.  However, I met another woman at the beginning of this semester.  My son hit her in the eye with a toy tent pole, so I thought the friendship came to a halt before it started.  Weeks later, though, she called and invited me to go to a gym with her.  She said it was a woman's gym, so I thought I was going to a Curves or something.  She then told me we'd be going from 9 - 10:30 at night.  I thought it odd, but I  was up for it.  Turns out, it's a co-ed gym during the day, but on Tuesday and Thursday nights, it's Muslim women only!!!!!  Basically, it's amazing.  I feel I've made three good friends through going (and I've only been five times), and a lot of nice acquaintances.  It's SOOOO nice to feel comfortable exercising!  T-shirts, tight pants or capris, no hijab!  It's just a really wonderful experience and just seems so out of place in small town southern Kentucky.  It's a college town so there are a LOT of Muslim women at this gym.  And it's all been spread by word of mouth.  Additionally, Muslim women are just more fun to work out with.  Nobody's there to get all muscular, we're just there to get/stay fit, and take care of ourselves.  Also, there is not that level of self-consciousness that I've experienced in the past (pre-Muslim days).  When it's Zumba time, even if you suck at Zumba, you give it a shot.  If someone (or everyone) drops out (needs a break, too tired, etc.) you can stand there and do Zumba by yourself and nobody will bat an eye.  I've never experienced such a thing. 

So, in addition to giving me a HUGE social boost, I feel great from working out regularly and am honestly much happier with myself.  I've never been fat, needed to lose weight, etc.  But I certainly was not healthy either, with my food choices and sitting with a computer all the time. 

Reading - Benazir Bhutto's "Reconciliation."  Just a short bit in but it seems like something everyone should read, especially in the west with all the crazy Muslim propaganda

Politics - suck.  Since it looks like Ron Paul can't win the nomination, I guess I'll have to vote Obama again. 

International affairs - suck.  What about Bahrain people, what about Bahrain?  I know Syria is no less bad due to Bahrain experiencing something similar.  However, it really irks me how the U.S. is all (especially John McCain) "we've got to do something!" when they're selling arms to Bahrain and in cohoots with Saudi Arabia who is killing protestors in their own country and in Bahrain.  Seriously, people.  Seriously. 

And Iran?  If we go to war with Iran here comes World War III, and here comes me moving to Canada.  I'm tired of living in a country that protects "the interests of Israel" despite whether it's morally right or even practically right (think military we just brought home).  I'm also tired of living in a country who thinks everyone's business is their own.  We've got a shitload of problems here at home, they (Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Syria) don't want your "help" anyway, so let's just fix ourselves first, mmkay? 

I think that's it.  I want to write a book.  Like, for publication.  But I am totally drawing a blank on ideas.  A memoir would be interesting, but at this stage in my life entirely too personal (unless published anonymously, which isn't recommended). Any ideas?  I'm sarcastic which comes off in my writing.  Keep that in mind.  :)