Monday, 5 December 2011
Plans?
Its either I charge straight in or I wait till I've done my job and then leave.
Easy to say right.
Considering the coward nature of CaL, he'll just do his job and leave. After all, that's wad he had done for the past maybe 10 years? I'll be 23 this year. So technically it's 10 years. Minus the 3months where he was out of his mind and barged straight in.
You know why I keep thinking of leaving?
Truly platonic guy/girl BEST FRIENDS never exists. Maybe not never. But rare.
It all began when one of them developed feelings for the other. Made friends, found that either he/she's not the one or the timing is wrong or he's too coward or wadever. Then finally they're friends. This type of friends can never be truly "just friends" cuz right from the beginning, that was not the plan.
I dunno man. Theory crafting is easy. But making them work is hard.
Calvin. If you have to leave, do it. Leave, before it's too late.
Don't dwell. You're way better than you were 6 years ago, when you were dumb and naive. You can easily find someone else now. Now that you know your strengths, build on it. Sweet talking was never your strength. But now, you're not that bad already.
I left one year ago when I found that you were attached. Screwed up my own life and somebody's in the meantime. Now that you came back to me crying (okay not really crying, but complaining) and grumbling abt your problems, I solved them (sort off) and made you cheer up again.
Now that you're attached again, should I leave again? That is the question I have to answer once again.
I think... Unless I try something crazy again. I'll help you settle into your internship and then leave. Like one year ago. Hopefully... I do not have to look back again.
Cal
found sought peace at 21:05.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Being Kept In The Dark...
Long time since i last blogged. This blog has been dead for very long.
So why did I suddenly blog again?
Lots of stuff happened over this year when I was away from the blog.
I posted the last post over some events which happened in my life.
After more than a year, I got the answer I was looking for. Sometimes I wonder why did i even come up with those 3 protocols. They didn't seem to help at all.
Maybe I should just drop them. Reckless and freedom seeking life. That's me. My character. Why did i even impose these Anti-CaL protocol on myself. I should counter the escapism. Not these values.
Anyway, I found that they were ordered in the wrong order. The first is supposed to be the most important. Not the third. Therefore i edited it. Now that's the correct order.
1) Never go after girls who are attached.
2) Never become friends with the Boyfriend. (should number 2 fail.)
3) Never fall in love with a friend who has already established herself as just a friend in my life.Never mind that.
那些年，我們一起追的女孩 was a really good movie. The director's childhood. So similar to mine. The story of a typical cowardish guy. One who never masters enough courage to face the reality, be it good or bad.
Why did you make me meet your bf then? That was the final straw for me. After pondering for so long, I decided to leave. I just didn't want that guy to know the guy who is causing his misery. Especially so that he was in the army then. I don't know why I seem to have a soft spot for army guys although I know they're at their weakest. That was the reason I left.
It wasn't easy.
I screwed up my own life after that. Got myself dead drunk every other day. Visited places where I wouldn't have otherwise went. Sweet talked at girls whom i knew are only after my money. Rebounded on an innocent girl. Screwed up her life and she never got to know the reason why I wanted to break-up with her. I'm really sorry for this innocent girl. Sorry!
I knew I was gaining the upperhand then. At least I think I knew. I knew you were unsatisfied with your relationship then. But why did you keep me in the dark for so long? Can I blame you? No. I blame myself for being so cowardish.
After all I've always done well as a girl's best-guy-friend. That's the worst job ever a guy can do -aka boyfriend replacement. Why am I always in such a position? Is It because I'm too nice?
I just cannot bring myself to stay there and be the cause of your breakup. I have felt how bad it feels to do such a thing.
No self-confidence like wad some ppl will say.
I just couldn't face the truth/rejection/success for wad I was doing.
Typical coward guy. Living for escapism. Never willing to face the truth.
This movie is just so real. My life. Again and again. This movie replays in my life again and again.
I don't know. I hope that you're happy now that you're attached again. I promised myself to stay single till I end school.
I'm still around somewhere nearby. Like i always was.
Maybe in a parallel universe I didn't leave. Maybe CaL not so cowardy. Maybe.. Maybe...
Promises are meant to be broken right? Shall keep that in mind. I always forget that can?
I don't think you will see this post as i think nobody visits here anymore.
You asked for forgiveness. Can I refuse? No. Its not me to refuse.
Thanks for telling me the truth. The escapism part of me don't want to know the truth. But my 23rd birthday is coming soon. Let that escapism part of me stay in the past can?
Thank you. Really. Thank you very much.
Cal
found sought peace at 22:24.
