My last post here was in the beginning of August in 2018. Much has changed since then, and its once again time for the annual post where I take stock of the year.

2018 has possibly been the toughest year for me. Many things came to a crunch; frustrations at work, the disappointment of not getting the pay that was promised, but only given the reason that after the 3-year Graduate Program that I've just reached the starting line of my career (at least come up with a better reason than that!), church troubles, relationship troubles.

Career issues, as much as they are not the most critical, still matter. It's normal to want to do more to progress upwards and to have a goal: both in progression and in advancing the company. When none are in sight, it feels as if I'm running on a treadmill, going fast and getting more and more tired but getting nowhere. After a tough 2018, the problems still remain, but out of it all I've slowly learnt how to negotiate. Negotiation is really all about empathy and reading emotions, and learning how to say no in a way that makes sense for everybody. I grew in the confidence I could handle difficult suppliers and tougher management, trying to see what the top brass sees. Through the frustration and mundaneness of work, I grew in my experience. In work, I found new brothers, brothers in Christ who walked and helped me on my way, who taught me that advice from older folk must be discerned carefully and not every word that any individual says, no matter how wise or well-intentioned they may be, is profitable. I found brothers who inspired me with their interactions with their friends and families, showing genuine love that can only be borne out of Christ, and a resilience that comes from trusting that God is the One that gives grace and strength. Work was difficult, but among the thorns, there are still the roses.

Church troubles came to a culmination this year. Leaving the BP church was probably the best decision God has led me to this year. The five years I've spent there taught me much knowledge on theology, and also taught me the holiness and justice of God. Yet it didn't teach me sufficiently the true spirit of love and the freedom that Christ gave when He died for me on the cross. This freedom which He bought for me, having chosen me from before the foundation of the world meant that I am truly free from ALL the Law, that I can indeed choose to sin freely and still be saved to eternal life when I believe that Christ is my Lord and my Saviour. Because it is ALL His Work, ALL His Righteousness, ALL His Love, ALL His Grace. What an amazing foundational truth that I did not understand before! What a truth that allows me to turn back and say, "I choose not to sin because I want to love You back for what You have done for me! And not because I am obliged to do so." (Romans 6:1-2).

It is this fundamental truth that had the Reformer Martin Luther say (to Jerome Weller) that "We, whom the devil thus seeks to annoy, should remove the whole Decalogue (Ten Commandments) from our hearts and minds." Because the Christian walk is not an uptight walk in keeping the Law (we will fail anyway), but a free walk in the love of Christ (because we will fall anyway)! This was what the BP church taught me wrongly, unfortunately, in its bid to want to uphold a holy living, it forgot that the whole motivation should rest on faith that Christ loves me and will give me the grace to persevere.

To be honest there is still a part of me which I find bitter against my previous church. Because undoubtedly, I will be blamed for "backsliding" and "falling away", for "compromising", all of which I confidently disagree with! And also because I do feel wronged against, especially as it feels that I have "lost" so much precious time being an uptight person for the last five years. But God be praised, this path that God led me through, was for a reason, a very rare reason today (because most churches swing too liberally rather than too being too legalistic), that I may know how to trust Christ, and apply all the theological knowledge that I have gotten (I learnt a lot in the BP church!) into my heart and to help others in love. And that continues to be a struggle each day, but a good struggle in my walk with Christ.

Relationship issues have been a main issue for me, evidenced by the blog posts I have written the last five years. God has seen fit not to provide a partner for me all these years, for reasons which I cannot fully understand. In fact it has been rejection after rejection, roadblock after roadblock, and when all these issues culminate, it pushed me to question the meaning of life, the futility of it all, how even with a wife there will be so much painful work; to maintain the career, to upkeep the house, to keep relationships. There is indeed no rest, and nothing new under the sun, as attested by the Preacher in Ecclesiastes. True joy, as I have only recently begun to taste (Psalm 34), comes only in the Lord, in trusting Him and letting everything go to Him. It means taking life less seriously, trusting in God instead, it means looking to Him and building that relationship with Him.

It was indeed very disappointing that E didn't work out, given how comfortable we were with each other. And indeed the wait continues, frustratingly so sometimes, because it feels as if my life is directionless. To which I have to remind myself to cast my requests and worries to God, trusting that He will take care of me.

Life has not been easy on me in 2018, but in 2018 I have seen God very clearly through the endless nights of crying in prayer, pleading with the Lord. I never knew failure could be this painful, and I never knew how much I needed to be humbled by God (and still do). I never knew how much I needed to rely on Him instead of myself for all matters, and I never knew how much God loves me.

So here I am, at the end of 2018 and at the start of 2019, thankful that God has brought me down to this valley so I can see Him, and thankful that God has brought me out of it, for the last 3 months of the year I would have never imagined it to run so well. Most of the problems still remain, but God has sent many a church family to teach me this simple love borne out of His grace and mercy. And I am grateful to God for it all.

As I look to 2019, I am fearful, because who would want to face such great pain again? I surely do not, but I am also comforted because I know I have a God who loves me and protects me, He will surely carry me through all the troubles as He promised, always.

To God be the glory, amen! || posted by Kuan Hui

There are seasons in life where the waiting just continues. And the longer the wait, the darker the night becomes.

Awaiting for that special someone gradually turns into a questioning of the priorities behind it, and the utter realisation that what I am waiting for is an illusion. Behind the ecstasy of the highs of infatuation and reciprocation, are the many mundane days of slog, waiting, and boredom. Worse still, the frustrations of disagreements, and being unable to see eye to eye with each other. "Why cant she see it from my point of view?" "Did I make a mistake choosing her?" "What wrong have I done?"

Love does not ignore the mundane, the quarrels, and the frustration. Love looks at it dead on, in spite of all the pain, and chooses to cover the pain with humility, patience, kindness. Love is no fairytale high, at least not on this mortal plane. That, I have discovered, and am willing to accept the reality of life.

And with that realisation, came shattered dreams. 14 February 2018, hope came crashing down. I entered into a quarter-life crisis, questioning to this day what my goal is in this life. If the pain over the almost 5 years before that day was bad, it was nothing compared to the pain, depression, and despondency I've been through the last 6 months. Maybe this is looking at the slightly rose-tinted hind-glasses and figuring out that the pain wasn't so bad after all.

Nonetheless, the last 6 months was difficult, and to this day remains so. A lack of sleep, a constant weight of pressure on the heart, emotional depression, anger against God, fear against God. A lack of hope for the future. I do not hope this on my worst enemies.

And yet in these moments, God shattered my pride and broke me down with humility. I was a Pharisee, a proud one. I had my ego and thought I was better than others. It was a terrible mask to own, one that I could no longer keep up with. Down came more masks, that I am a "good person", doing things out of love, when I was keeping up an image. And still new difficulties came.

You know, the funny thing was that life the past 4.5 years flew me by quickly. I hadn't learnt much, as if I was cruising and on autopilot, hoping for that loved one to come. It was tough indeed, those days, but the last 6 months, time had passed by excruciatingly slowly. Maybe now I am truly learning in the classroom of God: to be really trained in His gymnasium where pain continually comes. Loss of sleep, dragging my feet to work (work still sucks at the moment by the way), dragging my feet to church (because I was and still sometimes am angry at God, feels like a betrayal), the many long moments in my room in frustrated prayer, looking up at the air-con unit praying, kneeling down, sitting down in fatigue crying out. And out of all that? Silence.

My prayers were answered with silence, only more crosses came to discourage. What was I about to learn now? After humility, came understanding the nature of faith. Faith becomes more real in moments of despair. And with that, I am still in the middle of the woods, with no visible light in sight. What is next now as my frustrations continue, and time remains dilated? I have an inkling it is trust. I'm sure God is telling me, "Now that you have started to learn humility and faith, I am going to put you through the test, to learn how to trust Me in everything in your life. Your church life, your work life, your love life, your social life, your personal time, and your rest. Give it all to me wholeheartedly, and I will show you the beauty of My promises and my blessings to you."

And so, in moments of clarity and self-encouragement in God like this as I am typing this out. I have to go through all this with vigour. Reading God's word, understanding the power of His freeing grace and love, praying and talking to Him. How I wish though, that the pain be taken for me, because daily I still get frustrated, I still get depressed. It continues to be as myself climbing up an oil-slicked slope. And that is no fun at all, especially when you've tried so much, and you're tired, battered, and all ready to give up. But somehow there's always that voice there, that still small voice, compelling me to continue on.

To A: my feelings for you, I'm trying to turn them from infatuation to love. And I pray that I continue succeeding in them. To love is to let go. And in this case, letting it go to God, God who knows best and wants the best, must be the best. || posted by Kuan Hui

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is wait. || posted by Kuan Hui

When there's nothing more you can do, and you trust God to do His work, believing on His promises, that is faith.

So let go and let God, Kuan Hui. || posted by Kuan Hui

It's been a while since I last posted here. Much has happened, much has changed. It's already 2018, but it is good to take stock of 2017, in all the glory of its ups and downs that it has for me.

I don't wish to hide my deepest thoughts anymore. It is something which I have kept hidden for a long time, never directly alluding to it as I type out these posts, but it's time I lay them all here, for introspection, and to come face to face with it.

Ever since you told me I was charming back in September 2014, I have always kept those words special to me. You found that part of me when we did the Avelife competition for primary school. And truly I felt the same that day. I don't know why, perhaps it was a lack of sleep, but that day you became special to me. In all these years A, we went through many ups and downs, many shared experiences. These all were, and still are precious to me. It was quality time to me, special time, special experiences that forged a friendship, perhaps even more. Do you remember the many late night suppers? Do you remember the times when we were dead broke and had to borrow from each other? Do you remember the times we both prayed for ourselves, and for each other, for faith, and for provision? Do you remember us sitting down somewhere along Lim Ah Pin Road, late at night, just two of us beside the old rickety van, figuring out what to do with our lives and what the future holds. And then there was the Avelife project part two, bin designs. We struggled to make the best out of the limited resources we had, and huge lack of support. We wanted to get it all over and done with, but yet not disappoint the younger kids. Thankfully that wasn't all for naught, perhaps we got a few of them to be happy, it was better than nothing.

Work started, and many things changed. We did argue and disagree with each other many times throughout the years. Each of our views we held dearly, both of us strong-headed, and unwilling to give way, for it did mean changing our values. And work changed us. Perhaps you more than myself. And here you are, three plus years on, so different from the person you once were. I miss that simple you, where you looked to God so much more often, trusted in His provision, and had more strength to struggle against the glitter of this world; the money, the prestige, the comfort, the status. Yea, you were much stronger than. And if I have any prayer, it is for you to remember that, and return to those simple times.

Who would willingly lend such a sum of money over, other than it being a matter of trust? To me, stewardship and planning of the future is important to me, and they still are. And it was not easy for me to lend you that sum, though right now I am okay with parting with it, it does hurt to see or perceive my value in stewardship of my resources being so lightly regarded. Do you also remember the night we stayed up to work on the interview questions? I remember many, because they are precious to me.

Conversations with you were both a joy and a sorrow. It was pleasant, very pleasant listening to your stories and thoughts, very comforting to hear you want to know my day as well. It was a sorrow because there are many times I cannot express myself well, or perhaps, things were misunderstood, as they often were. Perhaps we weren't perfectly in the same frequency after all. But again, two strong-headed people. I had to think and overthink, but yet my replies to you did not convey my message properly, and it came with negative responses. Responses that I didn't want to hear, or didn't intend to create. There was a fear, tiptoeing through the tulips, no doubt. I wanted to voice out and tell you I disagree, please listen and be less stubborn. But it was too hard, too impossible. We were already too close, taking each other for granted, and expecting too much out of each other.

And then I said let's stop talking for a while. We stopped, over two months. It was a low for me. A deep low in 2017. I barely had anyone to turn to, but God. Prayer was solace, and deliverance. And yet it was excruciatingly tough. And you know the amazing thing about faith and God is that He can use it for good. And somehow I managed to speak and share with passion on love, Biblical love, in BSF. What better a book than John?

We started speaking again, but alas, now we've drifted one too far. The 4-year journey that we have both taken, finally reaches this point. Sometimes I wonder what you do think of all these memories. Perhaps you have a different response to it. Perhaps it touches you in a different way than it has for me. But I have to say, this was and still is important to me, these are my precious memories which I hold dear, all in its ups and downs.

And at the close of 2017, somehow I found peace. I am at my most peaceful I have been since before 2013. Yes, since before K. Do I still wish you replied more? Of course! Do I still get frustrated when you don't? Yes of course! Do I know that you are busy? Yes! But of course I always know, if one puts in the effort things will be different. So today in 2018, we stand as friends, so close to each other, yet so different. You changed more than I did, of course the older you was better, more godly. And I continue to pray for that you to return, not because it suits me more (well partly yes), but more importantly because that is true investment for eternity, not for the temporal things of the world.

Your work ethic still inspires me, and scares me. It is one borne out of insane endurance which in my life I can only count with one hand those who have similar levels of stamina. Imagine if that was used in God's service! But it is worrying because it affects health, in the future if not now.

And looking back at all these times, and this 2017, I found a peace. It's not perfect, but it is still God's provision. He hasn't failed me even through so many years of ups and downs, a literal 4.5 year emotional rollercoaster. It has matured me, taught me to love more, taught me to be more patient, and yet I am so deficient and inadequate. There's just so much more to grow. Thank God for pain, thank God for pleasure, thank God for carrying me through 2017. || posted by Kuan Hui

Was it a good idea to have contacted you again? Have we drifted so far apart as friends that we cannot partake in similar interests any more? How do I get back the respect that was lost in time? Can we go back to talking like old times?

Heartbreaking this situation truly is. || posted by Kuan Hui

Still miss you, miss the talks we had, the experiences we've gone through. Still praying for you. || posted by Kuan Hui

Apparently I've been telling people I'm tired without realising it. Sometimes it can be so tough to walk alone. || posted by Kuan Hui

http://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/when-worship-lyrics-miss-the-mark || posted by Kuan Hui

Yesterday I witnessed a breakdown. A fine man who couldn't take the struggles of life any longer broke down, cursing and wishing he didn't exist. It was a scary moment; a man twice my size flailing about, screaming, crying, and threatening me to "Get out!". He could at any time have lashed out and hit me with his fists, and I was so tempted to just let it go and get out.

Somehow, I stayed on. And I prayed for him a gentle prayer, speaking gentle words, listening with patience, all the while praying in my heart, "God help me this moment. Help me to know what to say, when to say. Help him." He calmed down, but his heart was still as hard as ever. No amount of talking, speaking of patience, love, and grace could get to him. I'm fearful he has hardened his heart even more after all the talking.

This is a story of a man spiralling down into desperation and depression. A man who cannot let go of his anger and pride. A man who wants immediate reprieve but who isn't willing to submit to God. A man who cannot see God's love on the cross, but instead curses Him and whines at his plight. What a sorry sight! It troubles my spirit to see someone I know can fall to that state, and refuse to see reason. And so, there's really nothing much that can be done further, other than prayer, and trusting in the efficacy of prayer. Because God listens, He is keen to hear, and He will provide.

How blessed I am to know God, to submit to Him and find that peace. A sublime confidence that though I have my wants in life, I am assured and certain that they will come. And all I need to do is simply trust God and go to him daily in prayer and repentance of sin. What a quiet joy I have in my heart. Oh how I have lost one of my best friends and the one I like, but in return God gives a beautiful song in this night season, and all the day long. || posted by Kuan Hui