haven't blogged in while, feels good to write again.
mum is gearing up again after letting me off from a long break. I have learnt not to take trust in her promises. But this time, I don't bother correcting her, I just shut up. Let her do whatever, I am really tired of trying to communicate with a person that shoves everything you say right back in your face.

I realised that is my general attitude towards people nowadays. Just think whatever you guys want to, you have that right you know? to think I mean. I am just sick and tired of explaining myself; so as long my conscience is clear that is fine with me. the people I care about are the only people I need to explain myself to. you people are the people I trust, there are only 5 of you now; I hope there will be more in future. I hope to be able to trust people again. I need to lick my wounds first. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

I been in deep thought these few days. I want to find the real me. Maybe I been someone that I don't really know for the past year. I find that I succumb to peer pressure easily. Time to put that behind me and just do whatever I think is right for myself. I must learn to think for myself without the influence of others. I am who I am! :)

I have also learnt to treat people with equal respect and friendship. No matter what they have done to you, just learn to forgive and forget. But, I may have trouble to trust them again cause I keep getting stuck at the forgetting part. heh. I need more time maybe. It is just I am very tired, of forgetting and then getting hurt again and forgiving and forgetting and repeating the whole freaking cycle. But I will still treat everyone the same, just now I know who I can trust. I feel really relieved, to get that whole episode behind me and start again.

I want to donate blood but I find it hard to believe that sticking a tube which diameter of a pencil into your arm isn't going to hurt. I think I need to summon more courage if I am ever going to save the life of another human being.

花樣少年少女 is a good show. It is so funny, I just need to think of it and laugh. The character's dilemma are so ridiculous and ella's antics are so hilarious. But beneath it all you can see that the show brings many lessons in life into the drama. Like how to judge for yourself, how not to be influenced by peer pressure, how to strive for what you want in life..

Weiji, I can swim k! bu yao xiao kan wo! muahahahahaha, but I don't think I can beat you la, damnit.

Mel, must study hard ok? you are like family man, we must pull through the big A together. And I hope you don't end up killing that geog teacher of yours. haha :)

I think I am suffering from severe brain damage recently. I did the stupidest thing that my central intelligence system control in my gray matter failed to detect. After studying for hours at mac's, I needed the loo; desperately.
I went into the nearest toliet and rushed past a guy gaping at me. Then my lagging brain decided to function and tell my central control system that I went into the wrong toliet. shit.
After rushing out and going into the right toliet, I started laughing at myself. God, I cannot differenciate what even 3 year olds can.
A piece of good advice I just found out: never study too long and fry your brain.

I also discovered that apparently, I am a descendant of a dialect, heng hua, that no one recognises; and would acknowledge. However, I now have proof that my dialect exists and is not one of the 10 languages that die out each year!

the following supports my claim: Heng Ann (XingAn) is a community whose ancestors originated from Heng Hua (Xinghua/Putian) in China Fujian province.Heng Hua(s) formed Heng Ann Associations throughoutMalaysia such as Klang Heng Ann, Klang Hock Poh Sen, Malacca Heng Ann,etc.
The source is groups.yahoo.com/group/heng-ann/.
HA. my dialect exists ok!?

Ja, now that you have found out that everything is ok, relax k? you really are a damn nice person you know? one of the sweetest people I have met :) You make me feel guilty for not worrying with you. If there are any changes on anything, I will update you. But for now, chill. You deserve it.

Mel, sorry and don't be mad. (:

I learned much in this past week. Now I learned one more thing, life is so unexpected. One day everything may be fine; the next, everything may have changed in ways you never would have expected. I guess the only thing I can do is to treasure everything and everyone around me that I have now! :)

I couldn't help myself today so I slacked. I must nag more at myself!! I am destroying my chances of getting into a local university; but I just can't help it. I don't have the discipline to avoid the temptation.
sob. I will limit myself bit by bit. that way I will eventually get used to it, I hope.

I want to learn golf, maybe shin and I can manage to gather enough people who are interested to learn to join for the nyaa sports section. I don't mind getting burnt. Actually I hardly ever get sun burned; I think my skin just loves the sun. After coming back from Nemo and Kahang, my skin isn't as tanned as some of the people I get with. ha.

Mel, thanks for being my study buddy. Lets work hard to share a dorm in some local uni; you must pull through with me ok? I love you man. :)

Ja, you are freaking nice and sweet that sometimes you make myself feel guilty for feeling selfish and stuff. I will just chicken out if mine matched. But I really want to help too! I think I need more time to become as brave as you.

I forgot what I wanted to write for the last 2 days. I was too busy I just slept my ass off instead of blogging. heh.

I am now against stem cell research; I really support bush's policy of using just the destroyed embryo to do the research. Whatever anyone says, it is still a life. The way I see it, the only difference between a human and an embryo is that a human has been given time to live. Ok, lets imagine we let one embryo from the lab to grow up into a human, can you imagine how he would feel towards stem-cell research? He would hate it wouldn't he? Seeing that he existed due to this research and that his brothers and sisters are being destroyed to save future lives. These embryos however, do not have a choice to chose whether they can be even developed into a human. I find that not giving a chance for a human to live all in the face of science is disturbing.

I think I am too debative, stubborn and childish. I just cannot stand to see my views wrong you know? It is like I must fight until I win. But recently, I just found out to accept another person's point of view and just let the agruement go. However, if you think you are really right, then keep your own thoughts to yourself; just know you are right for yourself. Don't fight to win it, it doesn't do any good.

My mum has just told me she would leave me alone and that she wouldn't interfer in whatever I do. She says she has given up on me. Maybe now I can really see for myself my true capability. Frankly speaking, I am really sad that it has to come to this end; I always thought my mum could still have a part in my life. Everytime I need to bitch about certain people or if things are tough and stuff she would be always there to hear me. Even though I really hate it when she nags, I know it is for my own fucking good.

But somehow the both of us just can't get along. So now I have decided to try do things myself. I will plan my work myself, give myself support and nag at myself to do work, scold myself if my results are sucky and constantly remind myself cause I am super forgetful. I can do this. This is my chance to prove to myself that I am not a baby anymore and I don't need my mum to nag at me just to do work. Actually I know why the two of us can't get along. Whenever my mum nags I tell her, "I know I know, stop nagging" but mums don't stop nagging, they continue to nag, it is their job. So I start arguing back and we start quarreling. It isn't really her fault, it is mostly mine. She just wants me to grow up into a good person, that why she nags. It is just cause I yell back at her and that is why we don't get along. Me and my stupid big mouth and comments.

God, I just realise I am the type of person that I hate. You know those people who wouldn't take in the good advice that people give them, I now realise that I am one of them! Argh, I must work harder to admit my mistakes and train myself to take in scoldings without fighting back. I must understand that life isn't always about being right all the time. I must really really force myself to put myself in other people's shoes and understand their opinion from their perpective. In this way, I can see things from a bigger point of view and become more mature in my thinking.

Goodness, what a day. My mum just decided to give up on me. I must work hard from now on. Mel, I will tell you everything on friday, this happened shortly after we got off the phone. Thanks for always being there, I hope things with my mum will become better. God I was so stupid, yelling back at someone giving me good advice. And I yelled at vince for supporting my mum. Argh I am dumb, idoitic and plain stupid.

I was stunned haywire by this cashier at NTUC fairprice coronation today.
Ang and I were brainstorming presents to give to this friend of ours and we decided on this crazy idea to give him baby stuff just to see his reaction when he opens it. So I went to NTUC to get the baby stuff. Standing at the counter, holding this bunch of baby stuff, the cashier asked if the baby was mine. So stunned was I that I told her the baby was my friend's. help.
I still can't get over the fact that instead of asking me if I had a baby bro or sis she asked if I was pregnant. Do I look pregnant?! Maybe society has grossly exaggerated the rise of teenage mothers, so even I am suspected of being one. buying baby stuff isn't a sin right?

Mass PE wasn't that torturous as I expected. I am proud of myself that I didn't cheat any of the rounds and ran all of the rounds. Although the detour to the toliet was really tempting. My muscles will sure ache tmr; actually I think I like the feeling of muscle ache, it gives me the delusion that I have excercise a lot. ha, self-consolation.

NYAA for kahang is finally done! now for the nemo one. Mel, your sms are the only things that keep me awake during lessons, thanks so much for them!

I just realised how much I was stressing myself up into an old scarecrow. I shall continue to just do whatever I can without collasping into a pile of straw to burn in the next CA. And I should excercise more. I am turning fat and cranky, like a old wind up toy which gears haven't been turning.

No worries, since tmr is the first mass PE I will endure. I think I will wind up worse then the old cranked up old thing I am now. My mum is sticking her nose into everything and scolding me constantly. She is screwed up. When will she get it that I got her stupid message and leave me alone? god what have I done man. I just want to study film.

ok no more bitching about my mum on this blog.

Mel, I love you, thanks for telling me that I can make it through that shit work load and having faith in me.

Argh. I am turning into that poor AC boy, on the verge of depression and always feeling so sad all the time. I guess the only difference is that he likes to extract it out on the people he knows. get a grip, dude. But on the other hand, at least he has people to hear him out. I get really bad at spilling out problems to people.

I can't stand my mum, she is the ultimate. So now everytime I talk to her, I visualise myself talking to my form teacher. I swear their attitudes, character and that unreasonableness are freaking similar. But the difference is that I tend to keep a rein over my temper when I am talking to my form teacher. It worked, to my surpirse. I think my mum slaps me lesser now, oh and she stopped trying to force feed me medicated oil. The final thing that convinced me that my mum and form teacher have gemini characters: they really put on a facade when they want to get people to their side. It is kind of sick and freaking scary when you get to see the both sides of them.

I am now writing my nyaa with a vigour! I got over the irritatingness of staring at the computer. It gets tempting to add every thing you experienced into words. I guess I really want something to remind me of memories after the camps.

Death note 2 was great, but really sad and provoked lots of thoughts. I am trying not to think so much on it. twin keeps saying I put to much thoughts into everything I experience, even a simple movie encourage thoughts to blossom. Is it really that bad to think about everything? I think my favourite pastime is to muse about the experiences and people I meet in life.

Battle royale is another kick start to my running thoughts. I guess it really boils down to a point: would you kill your best friend so you could live? And the whole point of surviving with this guilt. Surprisingly, the dying are more afraid to be forgotten then dying itself. It is a miracle that we exist on this planet, we would want someone to know; to still have a place here through others after we are gone. It is really cruel to see the students kill each other in their urge to survive and protect their loved ones.

I should really work hard to make myself like GP, since I like thinking and debating to myself like a demented soul. The image of me being a nerd doesn't fall far. Now I just need a dictionary to carry around and an imaginary friend to make my debut as a nerd. Maybe I should get those thick black specs frames too.

I am crapping too much, the first sign of a deranged nerd. Mel, so sorry I haven't talked to you in a while. I will make time to call, promise.