TODAY YOU DIE (2005) Steven Seagal

TODAY YOU DIE was something of an upturn for Steven Seagal. He seemed to be a bit more relaxed and having fun. He started to get back to performing a few fight scenes, and seemed to be having a good rapport with co-star Treach (of 'Naughty By Nature' fame.) He also seemed to be playing a regular guy (as opposed to a special black ops leader) This was also the third of FOUR films he'd made in 2005.
But (and as usual) post production wanted more action (but without the finances to get Seagal back in the studio) TODAY YOU DIE (despite possessing the near perfect Seagal 'Three-Word-Title') became a bit of a cut and paste misfire. But still an interesting misfire none the less.


The movie opens up with a series of haunting images of events to come. This turns out to be a dream/premonition of one, Jada Banks....who (as luck would have it) just happens to be married to modern-day kung -fu-fucking-fighting badass, Harlan Banks. Harlan comforts his sleeping beauty (which is odd, because he's fully dressed, and laid in bed) during this opening scene. She wants her 'hubby' to go straight, but it seems that Harlan has got one 'Last Big Job'(tm) left, before retiring for good.



The scene then cuts to a shot of an unseen cat burglar, setting up an elaborate harpoon winch rope thingy, before sliding down it, and into a swanky building. If you're wondering why this would-be spiderman's face is not shown...is because this entire sequence is 'borrowed' (i.e, actual footage) from the Jean Claude Van Damme movie 'THE ORDER'. Once into the building, the identity of the mysterious modern day 'Raffles' is revealed as none other than HARLAN BANKS (who's hardly broke a sweat, despite his spectacular entrance, and also gained height and weight, over the obvious double we just saw shimmying down) Get ready for a lot more 'Doubles' and 'Borrowed' sequences, with this one folks.



Once inside Harlan uses some bizarre electronic gizmo (with a snazzy 1974 LED readout) that reads any security codes on doors and automatically opens them (you'd think that THIS much technology would cost more than his actual swag...but i guess if that's true, then maybe that's why he must continue to steal, to cover his gadget overheads...a movie featuring Seagal getting into financial difficulties with 'LOMBARD DIRECT' would make for a great spin off movie, methinks?)
Just as Banks is leaving with the loot, a couple of gun toting bad(der) guys approach him (making the foolish oft-made mistake of pointing their gun barrels within arms reach of the aikido master) These criminals laugh at Harlan, and it seems they know his M.O. One of them refers to him as a 'Robin Hood' type, who "keeps a little for himself" Harlan laughs, and then kills the shit out of them. Had that scene ended there, it would have been badass enough, but i guess some fucking genius at Millennium Pictures, thought they'd add another Seagal fight scene (without it actually featuring Seagal) What follows is a darkly lit, poorly doubled, shot from behind fight scene (with the occasional flipped shot of Seagal, from his previous fracas) which may fool the casual viewer, but unfortunately not me. Sadly this despicable filmatic 'cheating' device would continue in most of his later movies (2008's KILLSWITCH being the ultimate low-point)


Harlan is driving towards Vegas with Jada. He seems to have turned his back on (righteous) crime, and has a job lined up, working as a sercurity van driver, at a Las Vegas casino. But on his way (and as LAWMAN has proved) Banks uses his legendary spider senses to notice a Children's Hospital...with a sign slapped over it, stating "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" (cue sub-plot)

("I was in ROADHOUSE, you know?")

Of course, his new job, has a few snags. Mainly that his new employer, MAX STEVENS (kevin Tighe) has been the star of a few of Jada's scary premonitions......and the fact that he's also a "I can buy anything I want" rich asshole. Jada tries to warn Harlan. But he doesn't want to listen.

And just if things couldn't get any worse on his first night, driving the money laden security truck, Harlans new driving buddy, is wannabe psychotic asshole, named Bruno. Who wastes little time in gunning down the security guards, once the money is placed into the truck. He forced Harlan (at gunpoint) to drive like fuck, through Vegas, in their getaway. This sequence is quite spectacular, cars crashing everywhere (with automobile explosions frequent enough to give the most ardent PM ENTERTAINMENT fan a boner) And as I watched this non-stop display of automotive car-nage ...I couldn't help feeling I'd seen a scene similar to this. Until it dawned on me, that (cough!) THE ENTIRE VEGAS TRUCK CHASE WAS LIFTED WHOLESALE FROM THE 1997 MOVIE 'TOP OF THE WORLD' (a nifty thriller starring Peter Weller)

(Steven Seagal is HARD TO FAINT)

After all this , Seagal manages to evade the police, just long enough to stash the truck (with all the loot) and get far enough away (leaving an unconscious Bruno, by the roadside) before phoning Jada to tell her, that it's been a set up, before passing out (in true Seagal style) Now, as you know, Steven Seagal is pretty untouchable in the movies. And he's not going to submit to fatigue in a hurry either. His 'fainting' scene, is nothing less but pure genius, as we watch the Stout Sensei, bow (extremely) gracefully in the face of unconsciousness. He tilts his head ever so slowly (and slightly) before a linking shot of Jada, allows the director to edit in, an all out (laid down) stunt double. I guess Seagal didn't want to get his nice jacket TOO dirty, by laying fully out on the ground?

After a brief Q&A by two cops (one ofwhom, is an improbably glamorous policewoman, who i remember from cack soap opera SUNSET BEACH) get nowhere with a resilient Harlan, who claims that he has amnesia, and cannot tell the authorities, where he stashed the money. Harlan mentions Max, but is told that Max has been killed, since the Vegas heist. As a reward for all his sterling helpful co-operation, the state decides to send Harlan to prison for a million years. Decked out in baggy denim, Seagal strolls dawn the prison halls, whilst horny (and let's face it...desperate) inmates threaten him with 'rape'. One guy shouts "Hey man, i wanna lick you" (i shudder at the mental image, this paints in my already damaged brain)

("Take that you ruffian!")

Harlan kicks a few asses in the prison yard, before making friends with a fellow con, named ICE COLD (that's his name, i shit thee not) Ice is played by Treach (from rap group 'Naughty By Nature' and the enjoyable LOVE AND A BULLET) Harlan and Ice plan their escape, with the intention of sharing the loot, on the outside. Harlan also catches up with Bruno, and snaps his arm (after roughing him up a little)

("Yo!")

At this point of meeting his 'Brotha-from-anotha-mother', Seagal adopts the worst case of 'Ebonics' ever witnessed on the silver screen (or the plastic disc) as he spouts (in full southern drawl) a series of ludicrous sentences (solely designed, to make him sound 'from the streets') So during (and after) their prison breakout, we are treat to some bizarre Seagal dialogue:

"Well, you don't look too happy....but you look happy"

"Let those who should be liberated, get gone, where they gotta go"

"I's cool Y'all"

"Man, you drive like shit, anyone ever tell you that...you drive like a motherfuckin' old lady"

Once sprung from prison (utilizing 'helicopter' footage from UNDISPUTED) Ice takes Harlan to visit one of his old school buddies, a gunrunner (Big Pun-wannabe) named 'D'. Now despite Harlan looking as out of place in a black ghetto, as one could look. D finds time to deliver the "How good is he" line (that must be said about Seagals badassery credentials in ALL his movies) And although D is no Lee R Emery (or Lance Henrikson) he delivers the following statement upon viewing our Stout Sensei.

(Never a truer word spoken in jest)

Seagal tries to bump hands with D, but the chubby gunrunner doesn't want to know (and i'm not sure weather this scene is meant to be comical, as it's shot in quick takes, which hardly qualifies it as a bonafide piece of humour) but it sure makes Seagal look a thousand times more out of place than before. Anyhow, Ice And Harlan take some guns from D, and (after much bad/lame/hilarious Ebonics by Seagal) they get the drop on some drug deal going down, between a young gang (in flash cars) and some ex cohorts of Max. During the shoot outs, Harlan gets all Nicky Santoro on some wiseguys ass, by popping his head into a vice. Just as we're promised a bit of 'head-popping action....Ice turns up and shoots the poor bastard before Banks can squash his melon.

("Okay, okay...My Giant wasn't that bad")

With only limited information extracted from the goon in the vice, Harlan heads to Max's right hand man (and ironically, breaks his 'left hand'...man!) and arranges a meeting with Max (who we all knew wasn't dead) and then Harlan even finds time to kick the shit out of the doorman (played by UFC champ Randy Couture) before and after his house call.

(Whilst you're down there, Randy.....?)

At some bizarre Warehouse/cave/loading bay location (probably the best the set designers could muster up) Harlan meets Max. Max (in true assholic manner) waxes lyrical about spiritual mumbo jumbo, whilst playing the piano. Max also shows Harlan a picture of his young daughter (sub-plot two)
Max then sets some (Tony Jaa-wannabe) gymnast monkey-kung-fu fighting motherfucker on Seagal (who, taking a leaf out of Indiana Jones' book) shoots the back flipping bad guy, mid attack.
Max runs off to his chopper, which all good villains (DTV or otherwise) should have waiting, on standby. Harlan shoots it down (featuring explosion footage from Wesley Snipes UNSTOPPABLE)
More shoot outs/double/double crosses are revealed. Explosion footage from the Charlie Sheen no-brainer NO CODE OF CONDUCT are lifted wholesale, and Harlan, Ice and the female cop walk away (admist some ropey green screen)
Harlan uses the stolen money to (guess what?) RE-OPEN the 'Childrens Hospital' and even finds time to give Max's young daughter a hug (Geez, Steven....she's only there because YOU killed her father in the first place)

("I'm the reason, you're here bitch" Steven Seagal orphans more children)

TODAY YOU DIE isn't vintage Seagal, and the fight/stunt/voice doubles don't help matters. Yet it was a slight improvement on some of the stuff he'd done that year. It has a easier-to-follow plot, and Seagal seems to be having fun. Director Don FauntLeroy (great name) improved things with 2006s MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, before directing my favourite Seagal DTV project URBAN JUSTICE (a near-perfect Seagal biff em' up)

ATTACK FORCE (2006) Steven Seagal

After a long delay (sorry guys, I've been watching back-to-back eisodes of DALLAS) I thought I'd return with a biggie (in every sense of the word) in the form of Steven Seagals 2006 (Sci-fi/Romanian mobster/is it/isn't it/sci-fi/horror/dub-fest) masterpiece ATTACK FORCE.

(The photoshopped 'slightly large head' should tell you all you need to know)

As usual with most of Seagals DTV movies, constant re-writes are as standard (titles also change....usually to work around the tried and tested '3 word formula', associated with the Stout Sensei's movies) SUBMERGED (another classic, i can't wait to review) was originally intended to be a movie about underwater sea-mutants (sounds fucking awesome) but eventually was dropped, in favour of the old 'special ops' mission movie (and only featured about 15 minutes screen time, actually in a submarine)
But in mid 2005, it was stated that HARVESTER was to be Stevens first foray into Sci-fi. Seagal would be battling a deadly alien queen, in a pumped up, kung fu version of SPECIES. Sadly, the plot was almost completely re-written...and any previously filmed scenes containing 'superhuman' strength, were altered to fit round a deadly new super drug called 'CTX Majestic'

But "how do you change the entire genre of an already filmed movie?"...i hear you ask. I'll tell you how...You dub the shit out of it (with voices that sound more like Peter Falk on angel dust) and frantically chop-and-change the scenes, whilst heavily doubling/dubbing your main star, and giving all the fight scenes to his sidekick. Thus is the (once seen, never forgotten) legend of ATTACK FORCE.

(When the sensei sees red, forgo your rights to breathe)

Seagal stars as (the incredibly named) Marshall Lawson, leader of an elite 'special Ops' unit. A role that Seagal can (and does) play in his sleep. We re first (rather confusingly) introduced to Lawson, as he drives around in a hummer, whilst action and explosions go on elsewhere. This sets a pattern in the movie, of having Lawson take a back seat, whilst the other brave idiots get their heads blown off. It's also apparent, that the voice we hear coming out Seagals mouth, is not his own. And to top it all off (the Peter Falk sound alike) is only one of the many voices that dub seagal throughout this movie (I'd say around 80% of Seagals lines are dubbed)

Anyhow, Lawson gets the drop on the surviving bad guy, from the earlier (seemingly unrelated) action...by disarming him of a foot long scythe-style blade, and returning it (like bad library book) back to the saps cranium. So-far, so-Seagal.....

(Marshall Lawson....The 'Fabio' of the C.I.A.)

Seagal is then seen in a bar in (not-so-sunny) Romania, with his trusty sidekick, Dwayne and the rest of his young rookie strike team. Later that night, the strike team talk amongst themselves about Lawson, and the newest rookie asks the immortal question (in a line of dialogue, that wipes the floor with John Barrowmans 'line' from SHARK ATTACK 3)

"So...Marshall Lawson, what do you guys know about him?......I mean the guy walks with an air of confidence, rarely seen in this day and age"

His colleagues laugh, but are quick to offer the following (self-congratulatory) piece of advice (that i'm sure Seagal himself added to the script)

"There's just two things you need to know about Marshall Lawson...one.....he's and bad motherfucker......and two...he's a BAD motherfucker"

With Lawsons (already) bad-ass credentials suitably set up, his team of young soldiers request a bit of R&R to view some of Romania's cultural high spots, to visit it's many fine monuments and to take in those sweeping vistas......Actually they head straight for the nearest (quote) "Titty-Bar" and soon strike up a deal with this shady looking (Richard Hammond-alike) below, for 'use' of one of his (ahem) 'Ladies of the night'

(This bad guy sells TOP GEAR....geddit?)

Take note of this 'Richard Hammond-alike' as (apparently) he's the criminal mastermind, behind the ensuing carnage to follow. Oh, and it's probably not the best time to mention that this actor was recently jobbing it, as the resident doctor in EASTENDERS (a career high or low, depending on if you can stay awake throughout this review...let alone the actual movie?)

Anyhow, the 3 man unit, take the 'Lady' back to their hotel, for some 'naughty' R&R, and amidst the 3-way rumpo, the woman's eyes change from normal to cat like (in probably the movies FX highlight) This sequence was probably the left-over stuff from the (planned) HARVESTER footage. Anyhow soon this dusky beauty is tearing the 3 man unit into a 12 piece (red) puddle.

And it's in this small sequence, when there's a genuine glimmer of what sci-fi/horror potential this movie might have had. Even the rookie (who praised Lawson earlier ) and wasn't getting much Romanian Rumpo anyhow...is not spared the wrath of this eye-changing alien queen...(err sorry, i mean 'under the influence' psychopath of superhuman strengh)

Of course, Lawson discovers the mutilated bodies (despite casually slamming their lifeless bodies out of his way, when they block his doorway) and despite their hotel room being covered in more blood than humanly possible for 3 guys, Lawson (after little soul-searching) confidently tells Dwayne (as he checks the bodies for pulses) "Don't bother...they're dead" (Lawson is a pro, and knows shit like this)


Understandably pissed (but nicely coiffed) I'd like to say that Lawson goes on a kill crazy rampage of death and destruction.....When in reality, all he does is tries to get clearance into his old CIA building, and peacefully walks away, when refused entrance (but his hearts in the right place) But luckily Lawson has a mole that still works for the 'Company' .....a leggy blonde named Tia (who was once Lawsons lover, and probably still is?)

Anyhow, Lawson sits in a few restaurants, whilst Dwayne 'pumps' him with 'intel' (f'nar, f'nar) about the investigation. It seems that the Richard Hammond look-a-like has been arrested, but the authorities can't touch him. Although soon (and rather confusingly) enough, Lawson and his team get the drop on the prostitute that murdered his unit. Lawson may well grimace over a threatened outbreak of 'CTX Majestic' into Romania's water supply, but i'd be slightly more wary of his on/off girlfriend Tia (as the drugged up prostitute throws her through 3-4 walls...and she gets up, as if she'd been thrown through polystyrene....which she actually was.....but we the humble viewer are not meant to know that)

(Ouch..........Ouch...........Ouch!)

Lawson (sick of fucking around) gives the superhuman bint a few slaps, before questioning her. It gets nowhere, so he stabs the shit out of her (with her own weapons, the previously mentioned scythe like wrist blades) Soon Tia (when she's not getting thrown through walls) uses all her C.I.A technology, and (confusingly) adapts the same weapons to react to Lawsons (no doubt) 'amazing' hand speed. I don't know how the fuck she does it, but we (the lucky viewer are treat to a computer read out, stating: ASSIMILATION COMPLETE) which means one thing...enough of this fighting women shit....LAWSONS ABOUT TO KICK SOME FUCKING ASS!!!!!

Anyhow, the threatened CTX pollution of the towns water supplies goes ahead. And various army units (not Lawson, by the way) siege an attack against the infected (who all have the same 'cat-eye' look and murderous intent)

(Even the smiles were forced on the set of this movie)

After a few fistfights (errr....none of them featuring Lawson) our heroes finally dispatch the bad guy, before coming face to face with another (fucking) woman (seriously Steve, only Ike Turner would approve) and whilst Dwayne fights various bad guys (in some pretty nifty scraps) Lawson is forced (and probably content) to fight another superhuman female (who kicks his ass a little) before he lovingly impales his blade through her skull.

(Seagal attempts to win the 'Rick-James-Mano-O-Womano' smack down of 2006)

After such a monumental battle of (not quite) epic proportions, you'd expect the film-makers to inject a final scene (that could possibly hint to a sequel, or at least tie up the 47 loose threads)....but no. Lawson helps Dwayne limp out, and the next shot is a car driving away. Picture fades, end credits appear.

MY LOVE FOR FIGHT FACTORY DVDS

Any self-respecting connoisseur of straight-to-DVD releases, can't help to have noticed Sony's FIGHT FACTORY range of action DVDs?
The label releases both old and new titles. Stars such as Seagal, Van Damme, Lundgren are alongside new productions with Val Kilmer, Cuba Gooding Jr and Wesley Snipes. STAGE 6 FILMS seem to be releasing most (if not all) of their stuff via this label in the UK.

They come in lovely 'Orange' keep cases, that match the orange border on the artwork. And to be fair, they've racked up some pretty impressive releases since they formed in 2008 (Felon, The Shepherd and Alien Agent, to name a few)
Boondock Saints II has just been released last week, via FIGHT FACTORY, and seems to doing well in the retail charts, as i type this.

FIGHT FACTORY is a pretty diverse collection of Genres, ranging from Drama, Sci-Fi, action to straight-forward thrillers, they look great on your DVD shelves. I've got 29 of them, and look forward to purchasing more (see below)


And if you visit their website at http://www.fightfactoryfilms.co.uk/ you can keep up to date with new and old releases, view various 'fight of the month' clips, and add your own ugly mug (and name) to existing DVD covers, then save them to your pc, and post them up online (looking slightly foolish, and not befitting to what a 37 year old guy should be doing with his spare time*)

(*= As if this blogs very existence, wasn't ample proof, of my legendary 'spare time?)