Today, November 13, Friday, I tell myself that I will no longer cry over what has happened, or yearn for your return for I accept that fact that you have turned into a monster, one that would need an absolute miracle in order for you to go back to who you really are.
I’m no longer afraid and no longer ashamed of letting people know what you have done to me. For it is a fact, and it can never be erased. I use to respect you, be so proud of you and seek solace in the fact that you will always be there to protect me, but not anymore. Even after you chose violence over anything else, I still lied to myself that you will regret your actions someday and you will come back, but not anymore. It is a fact that you chose to hit me, it is a fact that you see no wrong in what you have done, it is a fact that you chose to leave and return expecting me to forgive you even though you are in the wrong. You made the choice in making me fear every single person that I meet, to hide behind a facade that I so desperately want to be my true self. You made the choice, and till today, you see no wrong in what you did, and for that I can never forgive you and I never will.
From the day you decided that this is the path you will take, from the day you decided that an outsider is more important that anyone else who is related to you by blood, who watch you grow and guided you throughout your life, from the day you decided to disregard anyone else on earth but the commodity, from that day on, I knew the brother that I once had was gone, and it has become increasingly clear that you will be gone forever.
I’m no longer afraid and I don’t care a slightest bit what others might think of you. They don’t know who you really are, and you allowed that superficial image to take over you. I will never respect that, never bow down to that, and never recognise that.
It is from that very moment that I’ve decided that happiness will only come when I let go of the past, when I fight for it based on whatever that I have and never again needing your help. I will no longer be indebted to you for whatever that I have and whatever that you do will just be nothing but meaningless. I am no longer proud of you, no longer happy for you, no longer respectful of you.
I am strong, I can overcome this, I can let everything go and start over, without you in my life, I can fight for my own happiness, and I can care for everyone else myself. For you only bring harm, hurt and tears to everyone at home.
I long for the day when you will realise what you have done, how you hurt a 77 year old grandma and 80 year old grandpa, how you have stabbed them in their heart when they realised that the boy they raised and are so proud of is no longer around. But I know, that day will never come, as long as you allow others to continue to treat you the way you are.
My hatred for you and the commodity will go on forever, this is something that I will never forget, never forgive, never let go. For it is you and that thing that brought so much unhappiness to my live, to our lives, which is so immensely selfish that I will forever condemn, forever look upon with disgust and forever bear in mind.
I am telling myself today, at this very moment that while the physical scars have long disappeared, the emotional scars that you so happily decided to create will no longer affect me. While it will remain there forever, I will look upon it for strength, to walk away from you, to walk away from whatever that you have given me and carve out my own life, my own happiness.
And for that I thank you, for giving me the strength and the opportunity to walk away from you, to walk away from violence and to be that better person that you no longer are and will no longer be. This is a promise to myself and one that I will forever keep.