clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Monday, May 04, 2009
thoughts at three
I find myself turning more to my blog during the hols. Perhaps it’s because I have more time on my hands, which allows my mind to wander. But that can be a pretty bad thing, as I start to notice things that irk me which I would normally brush off cause I don’t have the time to deal with them as they are after all at the end of the day trivial. And it is simply because of this, I get increasingly frustrated and choose to escape instead of dealing with it cause it’ll be seen as sudden insane outbursts.
It’s three in the morning and I should totally be sleeping but I can’t for one thing I feel bad to ranting on and on to mych about how frustrated I am when I actually wanted a nice chat over crazy stuff. So sorry girl! And two, I feel just so crappy that knowing even if I go to bed, it wouldn’t be much better.
I realised that I’ve changed so much, for I used to love the thrill of running around and getting things done, while now, I rather stay home and just do nothing. Perhaps it is sheer exhaustion from all those years of running, but it doesn’t grant me any justification for wanting to lock myself up in my room.
I know my priorities have shifted drastically, and I think it scares some of my friends and definitely my parents to see such a switch in personality. Is like what germain said, what happened to clara who used to make sure that everything was done right?
But the question is what is right. Does being right means you need to do some wrong? Does being right means you need to hurt some people? I remember chris saying that sociology is made of up bored people who have nothing better to do in life but to complicate things. I thought it was funny when he told me that, but in retrospect, life itself is complicating, so perhaps they were trying to simplify things, just we take it as common sense, saying that this is just the way people are and ignoring the real depth in every issue.
Have we been avoiding the root of every issue that we’re dealing or have dealt with? Have I been allowing too many things to be brushed off my shoulders and hence causing me to feel absolutely ridiculous right now?
I’ve become increasingly incoherent in my entries, but it doesn’t matter. My blog has always and will be my outlet, my ranting ground and my escape route. Looking at my previous entries, I’ve realised that I perhaps took one setback way too hard, allowing it to alter everything in my life. But is that that right way to go? By doing so am I heading for the right direction in life?
Then again prof said the question of being right can never be answered for everyone is programmed to believe that whatever they’re doing is the right thing to do. I’ve seen enough cases of how something was right to someone but wrong to everyone else. But despite the majority opposing, the individual still felt that it was the right thing to do. So why bother asking what is right, why bother finding out and adjusting your actions and life to be right, cause no one can please everyone, and being right is a matter of relativity. So it’s probably time for me to finally fathom and instil this in my head, to give up trying to figure out what is right from wrong, and to accept that some stuff, whether I brush it off or notice it eventually will never sit well with me, but to the other, it is right and as long as I don’t into trouble, everything is and will be okay, at least in my supposed mind it will be.
Pardon my incoherent ramblings, it’s 3.30 in the morning.
3:25 am
Friday, May 01, 2009
incoherent thoughts.
Hey all. It’s been a while hasn’t it? There have been too many times when I have thoughts running through my head and I feel that I should pen them down. But when I sit in front of my laptop, I will time and time again decide against it. But this time, I decided I need to just let off some steam.
I’m feeling rather disappointed now. I’m not going to say who, what or why, but I just feel disappointed. In life you win some and you lose some, but I guess perhaps I’ve been lying to myself that I’ve been winning when in fact I’ve lost much more than I can imagine. It’s kinda sad really, how I’ve been cheating myself. But that’s life right?
Have I been true to myself? Am I just running away instead of facing them? Am I satisfied and proud of what I’ve done? I don’t know, I really don’t. This past few weeks involved me dealing with some stuff that I thought was history and caused me to rethink numerous stuff and people. And instead of feeling satisfied and ready to continue my life journey, I feel doubtful, of everything. I find myself regretting some stuff but yet unsure if these regrets were worthwhile, if they should in fact even be regrets.
I sound so incoherent right now, and I guess that’s because that’s how I’m feeling. Things and life in fact seems strange and everything seems surreal. Did they really happen? Did things really turn out like that? Did I really numb myself and allow myself to fail and say goodbye to things that I didn’t mean to?
This entry is filled with question marks, and I love the fact that my blog is a virtually unknown. Cause I don’t need anyone to cover me with lies or whatever. But then again, then may be correct and that I’m just being crazy. I’ve been receiving too many statements from my friends that I’ve indeed been missing and where have I gone. But who am I? Who is the real me?
I should stop saying to stay true, cause I don’t even know what staying true is, since I have no clue who I am.
I have no idea why I’m suddenly writing this, sounding like a complete lost soul. And while I remain grateful for everything, I just have this ludicrous urge to close my door to everything, to embrace silence, to embrace the past and present as it is and to really think. I just want to sit at the beach and stare at the open sea, feel the comforting embrace of the waves and feel the warm kisses from the sun. Even if it means coming back to reality, that short moment will make the world stop and make everything back to normal.
I’ll get over this crazy phrase one day and probably sooner then I think. But till then, everything happens for a reason, and life is a journey filled with lessons, just that this one seems more complicating than ever.
6:52 pm
