clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
shattered dreams
Hey. I know my last entry was eons ago but at least I’m here now. =) anyway the past few weeks was an ultimate roller coaster ride. With assignments, quizzes and presentations and exams, it’s like uni life at its peak. But that doesn’t matter, uni is what I always wanted and I’m grateful.
Anyway, the reason why I decided to write another post is because I feel the need to vent some frustration and finally be true to myself. I always remind myself that it is extremely important to stay true to oneself and I felt that I’ve failed miserably in doing that for the past few weeks. And the reason is simple, anu.
ANU was a dream, and it will be forever a dream. The deadline is over and I’m definitely staying. And I realised that while I am indeed happy that I need not leave behind my family and friends, I’m actually extremely disappointed that the dream will never come true. I know that it’s because anu really offered everything I wanted, double major in political science and international relations, worldwide recognition and prestige and the very opportunity to have my dream career kick started. But as I said in my last post, it comes with a hefty price tag.
The reason why I kept saying that I’m okay with not going and that I couldn’t care less is because I don’t want my parents to blame themselves for making the decision for me to not go. They know how much I wanted it, since they are still talking about it today, and I know that when I got accepted, they were extremely proud of me. But now that they decided that I won’t go, I can tell that they are blaming themselves for giving me very little say in it. But I don’t blame them, and I never will. Cause I know it was indeed a difficult decision to make.
So there I said it, I’m actually crestfallen that I didn’t go to anu and that it’ll probably be the decision that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. But for the happiness for my family, for the security and relief that it brings to them, I’ll make sure that whatever I do in ntu will make up for it and they will never know how I really feel about it. I will have to do well, really do well, so that they can feel comfortable knowing that they decision was the right one and never regret it.
10:04 pm
