Thursday, July 31, 2008

a silent cry

Who am I? If you asked me this question half a year ago, I would definitely be able to answer you. I will tell you with confidence that I’m chan siying clara, someone who is striving to be an independent and strong lady, who knows how to fight for what she believes in and having a strong desire to make a difference. Ambitious or whatever you say it may sounds, it was who I wanted to be, who I was brought up to believe that I should be. But now, I find myself saying that I’m chan siying clara and nothing more.

It’s really weird and frustrating that I’ve been having so much difficulty going back to who I was. Each time when I feel okay and realising that I’m on track to who I really was, something knocks me down real hard or I have this strange feeling creeping over me telling me that part of me has died and it is never going to come back.

I realised that even though things are better, I’ve already lost that zest and believe in life. I’m really tired of fighting for what I believed in, for even just trying to put my best foot forward and trying to succeed. I no longer see the point in trying to be that all rounded kid, who tries to make the best out of everything, who tries to squeeze out every possible fun and enriching thing to do so that she won’t be wasting her life away.

I always wanted to be known as a person who was independent and had a strong desire to succeed. But now, I’m just contented to be a shadow in the wall. I have really no idea who I want to be, why I want to be it and how am I going about to do it. I just have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and what is wrong with me. I need an answer and I need peace.

I’ve been praying for calmness, strength and just peace. I find myself being unable to forgive myself for anything that happens, and I increasingly hate myself for it. I’m so frustrated with myself. And I really don’t know why. I cannot seem to grasp anything anymore and I cannot seem to be able to just stay calm. I look at everything now with fear and anxiety; I view things like everything is out there for some odd reason. And I find myself questioning everything. Like what am I doing, what others are doing and is there really a reason for me to be here. I know there is, cause I used to believe in it, but I can’t seem to be able to now. I’m struggling to understand and I really see no more desire to do anything now.

Just what is wrong with me? my heart feels so heavy and tired. And I feel like crying and screaming, but I can’t. I really hate myself now and I just need an outlet. This will be my outlet I guess, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

1:16 am

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

a note

Hey all. School’s starting next week and I’m frankly more nervous than excited. My family and friends were commenting just the other day on how I’ve become considerably quieter and less outgoing then before. I knew that I’ve toned down a little, but I never realised that it was noticeable. To many, I’m still as noisy as ever, but they don’t realise that every step I take now is with immense caution and anxiety.

It’s strange how just is the one going for every camp possible while I have managed to avoid every single one of them. In the past, I was the one coming home late because I was meeting this group of friends or being held up at some meeting while just was the one home much earlier. Now, I rather be home than anywhere else and I rather avoid as many social situations as possible, unless it involves meeting my friends.

I guess the whole uni apps fiasco sorta moulded me to who I am today. I had to speak with caution and I basically avoided everyone I could so I need not feel uncomfortable or saddened that I’m such an embarrassment. Now all that is behind me, I find myself being unable to go back to who I really was and am stuck being quieter. Does it bother me? Frankly, a little cause uni is all bout savouring your last few years as students and any trace of child-like innocence. For once you step into the real world; every little move you make determines your life.

I rememeber for the past few months, I found it extremely difficult to understand and believe that a greater plan was out there and that everything that happened, happened for a reason. But it dawned on me in the last couple of days. I was adamant in doing a mass comm degree as I perceived it to be the best solution to being a journalist. I never really took time to understood what the programme really offered, neither was I open to other options. But now I realised that mass comm. was totally wrong for me, especially those offered in Singapore. For everything in communications was thrown in, production, research and stuff that I have zero interest in. So I could be practically wasting my time in school when I wanted to emerge from it a strong and independent thinker. And after looking though all the Australian schools, I learnt that there are actually courses that really cater to my needs and interest and I was heading for the wrong direction all this time. So after months, I finally understood what Goddess of Mercy was trying to teach me. She was trying to open my eyes, release me from my stubbornness and make me realise who my true friends are. It was a terribly long lesson, but a lesson I needed to take.

School’s starting and I pray for strength, an open heart and mind. I’m really starting in a completely new environment where I seriously have no close friends going to the exact same course as I am. Everything move I make will be to new people and it’ll determine what’s going to happen to me during my time in school. I pray that I have the guts to face up to everything, and take everything that happens into my stride. I pray that I will no longer be as narrow minded as before and that I will view everything with an open mindset and listen and accept everything with an open heart. The journey will only get tougher and I just want to emerge from it all stronger, independent and raring to go.

11:15 pm

Saturday, July 19, 2008

memories

honesty

honour

bong, nigel and jordan

yu heng the monkey

ziwei! =)

faith

huimin

denise

shu min

Hey! I’m finally back after being missing for close to 20 days. Actually, there have been many a times that i sat in front of my com, wanting to type an entry. But somehow or rather, i decided against doing so, every single time. But since I’m finally here, I’ll do a proper entry.

Friday was my last day at pei chun. =( it was really difficult to say goodbye. Even though I might be back if there’s a need to, but i think I’m really done with teaching. School starts in about two weeks and I still have tons to do. 7 months is a really long journey for a tem job, and is definitely a journey well taken. The warmth you get from the kids erases all fears present and a wave of love just envelopes you. I may have missed hss foc, but it doesn’t bother me. Cause this week was simply amazing. Knowing that i have done something for the kids, getting that sense of satisfaction and the people I’ve met, nothing can take that away from me. Yes, i may have lost out on making friends and understanding my school better, but I’m glad that i agreed to teach this week. It’s just something that I’ve gained that cannot be replaced. And i know i have walked away from it learning so much about life, from the most unexpected people.

It’s amazing how regardless of our age; we can make impacts in people’s life and learn so much about ourselves. I allowed myself to be broken and vulnerable so many times this year, but yet each time I was in school, I was back to who I really was. I learnt how to stand up again and trust in those around me, not just because of my family and friends, but also due to my students. I realised that being true to yourself is the most important thing and bothering bout others and putting that as your main priority only kills you. The positivity that my colleagues and students brought brightened my day. The lessons learnt will never be forgotten and neither will the memories created.

Thanks for the journey, thanks for the memories. =)

10:47 pm

Friday, July 04, 2008

smiles =)

Hey! A miracle happened, my prayers were finally answered, I’m, finally an undergrad in a local u. =) I guess during this whole episode, I was really able to see who I could count on and know who I should throw out the window. To those that I can really count on, that I really depend on, even a gazillion thanks can’t express my gratitude. You listened to every single whine without ever complaining, you let me cry my eyes out and never once let me feel like I was really doomed. Thank you. I cannot imagine what it could have been without you guys.

Hearing the relief in my grandma’s voice was indescribable. Knowing how much she wanted me here and knowing that I will be here was just amazing. This is why I want to stay, to be here for those who mean so much to me. =)

Anyway enough bout that. The past few weeks had been amazing cause I spent so much time with my friends! =) I meet my choir peeps almost every week and the same goes with oh. And each time we meet, we have so much fun that I never want the outing to end. But I feel so so guilty. Cause I haven’t seen people like lyn, cin and my besties in weeks! And I seriously mean that. it might have just crossed a month actually. =( and I do want to see them soon, but somehow, our schedules always clash. =( I need to make not that happen again! I need to make sure we meet!

But yesterday was great, I met up with sam, nic, oh and the boys. Even though I talk to sam and nic quite often, we haven’t had a group-gossip outing in months! And I mean that! The same goes for the boys, we used to see each other all the time in school last year, and I saw them again after months too. The outing was great, no it was awesome. Cause all we did was talk and laugh. I miss all that craziness and feeling so comfortable with nothing to worry about. I hope we can meet up again, but school’s starting and they’ll have a’s. =(

Anyway, I’ve been teaching again! =) the kids always, always makes me smile. No matter how angry I get with them, how tired I am, I always look forward to see them. Cause their life consists of nothing petty, nothing complicated and anything major is over in ten minutes. My class had an art lesson on Indian culture today and they did the traditional rice paintings. And while some kids fought over the designs they got, they were laughing like no tomorrow five minutes later. It made me smile and miss childhood. Things now are so complicated and fights are hardly forgotten. Maybe that’s why I refused to stop teaching, cause I want to be around them, to soak in all their happiness and carefree attitude, to be a kid again. =)

ps: to student, whoever you are, thanks. =) it's so odd that a student needs to advise his/her teacher, but life's never prefect and i always maintain my stand that no matter how old you are, you can make a difference in someone's life. and you did, to mine. =)