clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
beach. liberation.
This week was rough. Really rough. I desperately wanted to go somewhere and just hide. To be not bothered with anything but just knowing that I’m alive and blessed with a day to live. The beach was just brilliant.
I always love the beach. Just the calmness it brings, feeling the sea breeze enveloping you in a warm embrace and the sun rays kissing your skin. It takes me to a completely different world where there are no worries and just blessings. When I was sitting at the water alone, I wasn’t trying to be emo or anything, it’s just my door to the other world. I felt amazingly comfortable just looking at the open sea and thinking about nothing. And each time the waves hit me, it was like trying to push all my worries away and it made me feel happier, much happier.
I’ve been a total and complete bitch this week. Cause the thoughts of being alone for 4 complete years dawned on me once more. I guess it was because I was able to enjoy so many things, cong’s and elroy’s pop, celebrate father’s day, dealing with keith’s dsa, picking daddy up from the airport and hanging out with my family and friends. To many, it may seem ordinary, but to me, being able to be here, just here in this tiny little dot helping my cousin with his school apps, picking daddy up from an overseas trip and seeing milestones occurring in my friend’s lives are things I will miss for four whole years. When I’m at down under, I can’t do that. I’ll be home only once a year, for only a couple of weeks each time. And when I return to aust, I won’t be heading home, I will be heading to somewhere that tries to replicate the warmth, comfort and love of a home, but failing miserably. And it scares me.
Just and I were supposed to go to school together, graduate together. It was a cool brother and sister thing that doesn’t happen to everyone. And it’s not going to happen now. In fact, it’ll be totally different. I will graduate later for one, having my graduation occurring in a place that costs an immense amount of money to go to, and most prob having only my parents and just there. My grandparents most prob can’t come, for it’ll be too far to go. I had always envisioned my graduation to be something awesome, with everyone there, cause I know it’ll be the day when my family will be proud of me. I’m the oldest granddaughter at my maternal side and the first girl at my paternal side to even enter a uni. And I’ve heard countless stories of them telling their friends about just and I, and now I feel so embarrassed. For they can happily tell others that just is going to law school, while I’m a failures seeking an education offshore, a kid no longer to be proud of.
If my students are still reading this, yes, I didn’t make it to a local university. Even though my letters have yet to arrived, I know all my appeals have failed too. So you will be seeing me in school again, till maybe even next year. And I’ll be heading to aust to get a degree, cause in a superficial society like Singapore, you cannot survive without a degree. So yes, I’m not smart or amazing you think I am. I took me months to be ok with it, but rest assured I’m a hell lot better now.
The beach made me feel happy, so so happy. I felt liberated. Entirely liberated. But it was only temporary. I want to feel liberated all the time, to know that I’m not just another person on this earth, but someone to be proud of. I want my worries to end. And I want to know that I’m wanted and accepted and good enough for somewhere soon.
4:19 pm
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
one phone call
One phone call. Just one phone call has resulted in me revealing how broken I really am. I was brought up into believing that I must always fight for what I believe in and that I must be dependant on no one else but myself. I’ve seen lots of things in life, and had to accept reality very early on. It’s not that major but I think it further emphasized the mindset that I had to be independent. And I guess that’s how it all stated.
I lost faith and hope in people who supposedly knew better that I made sure that whoever that was younger than me were heavily protected and looked after. And whenever I saw any possibility of harm going their way, I will really go after whoever that was causing it, cause they should know better than to hurt a kid.
I always saw stating your fears and feelings as being vulnerable because they are not tangible and chances are people will never know unless you choose to reveal them. I wasn’t totally void of emotions, that’s ludicrous, but I guess I was selective about them. I wasn’t ashamed of revealing certain thoughts, fears or even letting my tears flow. But there are some things that I always kept to myself. As I feared that if ever revealed, it will be used against me, as I’ve seen in numerous cases in my life. I wanted to be able to account for everything that goes on in my life and know that for whatever that has happened, it wasn’t due to a display of weakness. People hardly knew what I really thought about stuff, how I really felt about certain things and certain people.
But all these made me robotic and all those pent up feelings only made me feel worse. Mistakes happens and I take them so hard because I started to see only perfection and forgetting that this is the real world, where perfection doesn’t exist. It never did dawn on me that as I fought for independence, a process of self destruction was happening concurrently. So after a little over 18 years, the bomb within me exploded. I finally broke down and released everything, during one phone call.
It was just strange. I always thought regardless of whatever that happens, I could be upset over it for a short while, be able to stand up again, deal with it and throw it out of the window. Hence, being so upset resulting in everything that was hidden coming out was just weird. I never intended for it to come up and even if it did, I thought I would just talk about it, not over the phone, mixed with tears. I bet the person on the other end of the phone didn’t realized and will probably never know that I was crying and really showing my true self for once. But it’s ok. I rather he not know actually. Cause it just happened and I don’t know why.
I heard this song the other day, and its lyrics hit me. Actually it always had, just that it seemed so significant now.
"Take these broken wings And learn to fly again And learn to live so free."
I may be broken, but I need to learn how to stand up again and live freely. I will continue to strive for independence and fight for what I believe it, but I will put an end to the self detrsuction, it’s not a battle that I should have have in the first place.
1:00 am
