Saturday, May 31, 2008

dark rainbow

It’s pretty insane how each time when I feel that confidence within me building up again, my world crashes, yet again. Today was sorta like the start of working towards rebuilding myself, and facing people that I fear. And I felt ok and comfortable, truly believing that maybe life isn’t that bad. And I started sounding like myself again, ready to handle anything that life throws at me because it is my life and I decide how to live with it. and yet, just mattes of minutes, I started feeling broken, once more.

While it’s true that I don’t feel as broken as before, I still feel like oh shit, I’m still going to make people worry and it’s my entire fault. Even though it was highly expected, I wanted to believe in that tiny glimmer of hope, because little things may grow and be big one day.

But I guess, regardless of how shit I feel, those people, whom my future literally depends on wouldn’t care. Yet they are asking me to understand their predicament. Oh yea right, please, spare me yea? Call me whatever you want, but you’ll never understand how I feel, regardless of how you may “try”. So please just stop torturing me and go away.

But what mj said is right, the life is mine, and I must prove those people wrong, for choosing to say that I’m not good enough. For you may think that I’m not good enough now, but I may be, no I will be, in times to come.

12:35 am

Friday, May 30, 2008

reflection

God loves playing tricks on people doesn’t He? Just when I was ready to stand up on my own two feet again and face the world once more with confidence and believe in that rainbow, my entire world came crashing down. After fighting so hard for that ray of hope, it just vanished within a matter of minutes, literally.

Everything that happened within the past couple of days made me hate myself ever so much, for not being sensitive, for being a bitch and for being someone that has no idea how to count her blessings. Yea, things that are happening to me now are like damn bloody shit ass, but I have a back up. So I guess I need to force myself to embrace that backup cause it seems that it is THE thing to do.

Just said something today that made me think that I’m actually a really blessed individual. I have people that actually listen to me cry and whine so much while he lost his only friend who did that. And as I thought back on the past few days, it’s true. And I feel extremely guilty about it. Because I’ve been really breaking down in front of so many of my friends that I think I gave them a terrible scare and yet they were trying their very best to make me feel strong and confident again. And nothing can replace them. And losing them is one of my greatest fears, honest. Unlike family, they are not tied to me by blood, and they can disappear without you knowing it. and I treasure them so much. And with the possibility of me leaving getting ever so real, I want to see them as much as I see my family, cause I want to treasure and remember everything amazing about them.

The last time I ever felt so vulnerable was actually in 2006, during council commendation. When the bishop held my hand and looked into my eyes, asking whether I would honour my word to lead and serve to the best of my ability, I found myself having difficulty looking back at him. It felt as if he could read right through me, and he knew every single one of my flaws and fears and it was really weird. I couldn’t bear to face him but I wanted to, cause at that time, I believed that he could give me the strength and assurance that I needed. It was strange yet comforting. And it was then that I first realized that all these years I was really hiding. Cause I always wanted to be that strong fearless girl as I know that any sign of vulnerability means that people will try to hurt you. But I guess it sorta make me unreal. Cause no one is void of emotions. And I guess that’s why I really broke down this week. Like really showing the true me, one filled with insecurities. And I’m ever so grateful for the people around me, who were without a doubt stunned yet forgiving.

So thanks a mill, like really, to my family, zhilun, ming jiang, oh, cheryl, jin zhuang, sam, nic and the list goes on. I need to get my life back on track again and be lead a life that is clear and bright, as it was intended to be.

12:33 am

Saturday, May 17, 2008

journey, reality, acceptance

It’s amazing how within a couple of weeks, my outlook on things have drastically been altered. I guess it is now that I have truly accepted what happened in march and that my future no longer lies in my hands. While it may be true that other doors are indeed opening up for me, I’m not exactly sure if I’m ready for it. Even though circumstances indicate that I must and have to be ready for it, I’m not sure that I really am.

While everything is still in the initial stages, it is certainly proving to be more permanent and real than I thought. Being alone is never something that I’m good at and this could be what I need to well, learn and grow. But what really sucks is that the country that I call home is pushing me out of my comfort zone. Isn’t home supposed to be the best? Isn’t it a place where you get unlimited showers of love? Then why are you doing this to me? Why are you forcing me to leave everything behind and start afresh? Maybe this isn’t home. And all my life, I’ve been in school, training and learning how to seek a shelter on my own.

Just because of one simple thing that practically dictates the rest of my life, I’ve been forced to rethink everything that I have and treasure. My family, my friends and places that hold special meanings. I hardly see my friends now, and even when I do, I feel uncomfortable. Cause I’m hiding so much from them, simply because I’m afraid that I’ll be judged. And I know that true friends never do that, yet I still fear. I’ve lost much zest and confidence in the rainbow after the rain and in the belief that there is a greater plan supposedly drawn up by a mighty power for me.

It’s crazy how every single thing matters so much now. How one smile, one message, one call and even one thought changes everything and it’s implication on my life. Life is indeed a tough journey, and we need to ensure that this journey is well taken and never regretted upon.

As the final judgment on my abysmal results draws near, I feel a sense of immense fear and calm. Contradictory it might seem, I guess it’s the sense of reality and acceptance that has finally made its way into my life. For now, the present for mother’s day and daddy’s birthday may not have come as I had hoped for, I know that I’m already learning and even thought it hurts really bad, a bigger and better present may come in years to come. Everything in life matters to me now, however big or small. A simple smile can make my day, or even my week, as life’s little surprises always means the most.

4:21 pm

Thursday, May 08, 2008

eh...

Things have been weird lately. Too many emotions playing a part in a simple yet complicating issue. As always, shit happens.

Anyway, I’m just hoping and praying that a brilliant mother’s day gift and daddy’s birthday(which both falls on the same day!) present will come in the mail soon. Not only will it be a heave of relief, it will mean that I can save them a hell lot and I mean a freakishly hell lot of money. So please oh please.

10:52 pm

Friday, May 02, 2008

man, life sucks. no wait, it doesn't. the issue of having no control over your life and future sucks. it sucks like hell.