clara chan. 19. trying to figure things out.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
feeling horrid
Hey guys. I’m back. Feeling rather horrid these few days. Many people just don’t know it. It seems as if everything has gone wrong and I don’t know how to climb out of this hole that I’m in. As of Thursday may 27 2006, I no longer believe in meritocracy. Some of my friends know why. But basically is that if we go by the policy and meritocracy, it means that everything is based on merit. Then why is it that this is not the case? If we set out to believe in meritocracy we should practice it. However I don’t see it being practice so I totally lost faith in it.
On Friday after my workshop, I noted that there were tons of messages as well as 5 missed calls from home. I started to panic and as I slowly read through all the messages and fear overwhelmed me. My mom was telling me that my dad couldn’t/’t fetch me from school as my uncle had been admitted to hospital. I quickly dialed the number and called home. My mom picked up and I questioned what happened to my uncle. “ uncle simon is dead,” she replied softly. I was in absolute shock. I may not be close to him but this was all too sudden. I pressed for details but she said she didn’t know. But she told me that if my brother called home from tekong, ii must mention nothing to him. Lynne was walking with me to the bus stop and I told her. I wasn’t crying but I was just stunned. I immediately phoned Mel to tell her that I won’t be going for choir. She was great and I thank her! Thanks Mel! Lynne made things easier by trying to change the subjects so I could be ok since I wasn’t home with my family. We started to reminisce about st marg’s and that make things a lot better. Thanks Lynne! I knew I should rush home but I couldn’t. I just wanted to stay away form all this and just compose myself. But it soon got rather frustrating that I had waited for my bus for about half hour. My mom told me to hail a cab and it took me another half hour and I still couldn’t get one. She deiced to phone my aunt who stays in the same estate and they decided to pick me up form potong pasir mrt station. So I walked from the bus stop opposite ascension to the mrt station as walked, I reflected and thought about all this.
My uncle had done something years back and was never forgiven by my paternal grandmother. And he had left without her forgiveness. He really didn’t do something that major but I guess it was hard on my grandmother. It is really sad for all this to happen. My aunt came and my trains of thoughts were interrupted. But it didn’t matter my aunt and mom were talking about my brother’s university stuff so I aided in taking my mind off this whole episode. I reached home close to nine and my dad wasn’t home. Mom said he wouldn’t be home early, as he needs to meet up with my paternal side to handle everything. Mom reminded me once more that none of this goes to my brother. My dad phoned home telling me that none of this must go to my paternal grandmother either. (It was this morning when they broke the news to her and according to my dad, she just kept scolding and scolding) dad only returned home at 1 plus and mom and I were already fast asleep.
This morning my parents decided that my brother should be informed and they went to tekong to fetch him home. His reaction was similar to mine. We were not close to our paternal side. But losing a person is still hard. My parents decided that my brother and I wouldn’t go for the funeral, as we won’t be able to take the whole sudden situation. The last time when mrs lee passed away, it was sudden and I cried for five days. This time I guess I have grown stronger but my parenst wants us home.
I think I would really like to know how my paternal grandmother is. She might still be mad at my uncle for what he did years back but I know she is hurt, it is her son, her own flesh and blood that has left this world. She may be scolding when she found out the news; I guess she is crying inside.
All I can say now is this: uncle simon, the last time I saw you was many months back and now you have left. Thanks for everything that you did and the good times. May you rest in peace? -your niece clara.
4:46 pm
Sunday, April 16, 2006
i need to say it
I’m here to blog again!!!!! Haha actually I shouldn’t be blogging as I have TONS of work to complete but I’m rather bored of it so here I am! Well my brother was home on Thursday! Cool right? Seeing him bald and all. He told me some rather interesting stories and told me how thick some of his officers are. HAH!! ~ He said actually they are rather inefficient as most of their time is filled with delays and screw-ups and even more waiting. But it is good as they get to slack! Haha
We talked mostly during meal times and car rides as once we reached home, we all headed back to our respective rooms and slept. Just is definitely tired from the grueling days at tekong while I was basically tired from work! I know pig! But soon my brother had to go back to camp, boohoo so we drove to pasir ris and he went back to tekong. Oh boy do I hate the stingy army.
But he called last night and was clearly upset. We probed further and realized that he is sort of being threatened to lose weight by the stinky army if not he has to redo his bmt! Three whole months of it! So basically my parents tried to calm him down without letting me talk. Cause knowing me, I would have slammed the army and maybe even demanded to see someone. But that’s me, drama it may well be.
And still it is really unfair of them to do such things. I mean, they said if he could attain a silver for napfa he need not do an extra two months, and he did that. And when he went to check his pes status, they said he need not do the extra work cause he is fit. So I would like to ask them why is it that than tables have turned and you are pressurizing my brother. And best of all not let him train? Like HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!! If you want him to lose weight you GOT to let him train! You mean he can lose weight by just sitting there and watching others train? If it is true please call me down to tekong I would like to witness this miracle happen.
So about you guys being thick are true after all. My brother has been happy at there and training with the rest and now you are excluding him? Talk about making Singapore an inclusive society. He has all along displayed positive attitude and training with the rest and completing everything needed and now you have to crush his world. Great and well thank you.(rolls eyes) Sheesh. I seriously have lost respect for our so-called most efficient organization in Singapore. Now I cant wait for my brother to come home, because tekong aint so fun after all. He is so upset that he is considering of taking drastic measures of doing extra training and skipping meals! So if you think you have cultivated great and positive mindsets, well think again. All you have done is to poison mindsets and create corrupt images. I mean is weight more important then health and fitness? I think not. I don’t see what’s wrong with my brother as he has really good fitness and is heavy simply because he is filled with muscles. I know that because a doctor had told that to my brother. So I have a few more question to the officers, who are you to judge whether my brother is fit or not and how can you judge through weight? That is just a plain superficial measurement. If a doctor or in fact many doctors can prove that my brother is fit and is tipping scales due to muscles and not fats will you let him off? and would you rather have fat but fit soldiers of thin but weak ones to protect our home? i suggest you thkn properly and process porperly as your slow brains might need a while to digest all this.
I know this entry may get me into trouble big time or people will start to perceive me as critical and arrogant but I don’t care. I just want to let it out. I seriously feel my brother has been hurt for no reason and I am pissed. No one should be treated in this manner, no one at all.
5:05 pm
