Sunday, March 14, 2010

hey all!

its been forever, i know. but i've moved! hahaa find me at http://chanrara.livejournal.com
and my twitter is chanrara too. heh heh =)

to my very random students. its been so long. if you guys are still reading this, remember to study hard and stay true. =)

9:48 pm

Friday, November 13, 2009

a promise to myself

Today, November 13, Friday, I tell myself that I will no longer cry over what has happened, or yearn for your return for I accept that fact that you have turned into a monster, one that would need an absolute miracle in order for you to go back to who you really are.

I’m no longer afraid and no longer ashamed of letting people know what you have done to me. For it is a fact, and it can never be erased. I use to respect you, be so proud of you and seek solace in the fact that you will always be there to protect me, but not anymore. Even after you chose violence over anything else, I still lied to myself that you will regret your actions someday and you will come back, but not anymore. It is a fact that you chose to hit me, it is a fact that you see no wrong in what you have done, it is a fact that you chose to leave and return expecting me to forgive you even though you are in the wrong. You made the choice in making me fear every single person that I meet, to hide behind a facade that I so desperately want to be my true self. You made the choice, and till today, you see no wrong in what you did, and for that I can never forgive you and I never will.

From the day you decided that this is the path you will take, from the day you decided that an outsider is more important that anyone else who is related to you by blood, who watch you grow and guided you throughout your life, from the day you decided to disregard anyone else on earth but the commodity, from that day on, I knew the brother that I once had was gone, and it has become increasingly clear that you will be gone forever.

I’m no longer afraid and I don’t care a slightest bit what others might think of you. They don’t know who you really are, and you allowed that superficial image to take over you. I will never respect that, never bow down to that, and never recognise that.

It is from that very moment that I’ve decided that happiness will only come when I let go of the past, when I fight for it based on whatever that I have and never again needing your help. I will no longer be indebted to you for whatever that I have and whatever that you do will just be nothing but meaningless. I am no longer proud of you, no longer happy for you, no longer respectful of you.

I am strong, I can overcome this, I can let everything go and start over, without you in my life, I can fight for my own happiness, and I can care for everyone else myself. For you only bring harm, hurt and tears to everyone at home.

I long for the day when you will realise what you have done, how you hurt a 77 year old grandma and 80 year old grandpa, how you have stabbed them in their heart when they realised that the boy they raised and are so proud of is no longer around. But I know, that day will never come, as long as you allow others to continue to treat you the way you are.

My hatred for you and the commodity will go on forever, this is something that I will never forget, never forgive, never let go. For it is you and that thing that brought so much unhappiness to my live, to our lives, which is so immensely selfish that I will forever condemn, forever look upon with disgust and forever bear in mind.

I am telling myself today, at this very moment that while the physical scars have long disappeared, the emotional scars that you so happily decided to create will no longer affect me. While it will remain there forever, I will look upon it for strength, to walk away from you, to walk away from whatever that you have given me and carve out my own life, my own happiness.

And for that I thank you, for giving me the strength and the opportunity to walk away from you, to walk away from violence and to be that better person that you no longer are and will no longer be. This is a promise to myself and one that I will forever keep.

2:26 am

Sunday, November 01, 2009

tears

I don’t know why I am crying. Thank you grandma; and I’m really sorry. I know it must be hard for you to see your grandson turn into a monster and your granddaughter refusing to understand it all and I’m really sorry. Please take care of yourself. I love you.

9:42 pm

Sunday, September 13, 2009

enough

Why must I bow down to you? Why must I deal with your crap? When will you ever fucking learn?

Today at my grandparents’, my grandma came to talk to me, and asked to me just grind my teeth and just deal with it. Thankfully she means so much to me that I just nodded and stared at my laptop. For if it was anyone else, forget it, I would have bite their heads off.

I feel so bad for not really showing any emotion or for my relatives to think that I’m cold blooded, but seriously, why is it that I have to deal and smile at all the crap that I get? I have a limit too, I’m only human.

I wanted to tell my grandma there and then that I needed to stop hearing all this cause I can no longer take it. My home has become just a house, where I store my stuff, where I come home to bathe and eat and to rest. Tolerance is needed, but not till what I have to dish out. So I’m really sorry grandma, I really am. For creating trouble, for everything, but I can take it no longer.

8:44 pm

Monday, August 31, 2009

HUGE rant

It’s been forever since I’ve been here but I just want to say something even though I doubt anyone will actually read it, I don’t care. I guess I just need to answer to myself.

What happened last month, happened, and there’s nothing we can do to change that. And yes I said a lot about it to my closest friends and so what. I didn’t and am in no way asking for sympathy and all those were said in a fit of anger and don’t any one of you dare to deny that you don’t do that cause hell yea, you do.

While it may seem so unbelievable but yes it did happen so beat it. And I want to say that while I am indeed still very disappointed and hurt by those people I still sincerely believe that what they did is out of their character of what I know of and I do believe that they are indeed nice and good people. Ok fine, with the exception of one who is a complete stranger to me and have yet been the biggest pain in the bloody ass of all.

I have zero intentions of blackmailing them or destroying their reputations so please do not take it the wrong way. They did what they did and by telling you, I just wanted to clarify some stuff and just feel better by letting it all out. If I had to bottle everything up, I would have gone insane by now.

The reason why I’m saying all this is because there are people who are doubtful of my intentions and I just want you to know the truth. And I don’t want anyone to judge them for what has happened and I do hope that you put it behind you as much as I am trying to.

From this I realised whom I can trust and whom I can’t. And what I’m perhaps most irritated about are the people who treated me differently, who choose to believe that I asked and wanted all this to happen. No one in the right mind would want to be betrayed like that and to be hurt and way I was.

And to those who totally feigned concern and were merely just busybodies, go away. Like seriously, GO AWAY. You’re less of a friend and less respected as a human being.

For those who have absolutely no clue what happened, please do not come and ask me what happened. If I didn’t tell you, there’s a reason and there is no need for me to go round reporting it. So please do me a favour and don’t ask.

For those who do know, I just want to say thanks for your unwavering support and concern and know that I am indeed ok. After a while, this will all pass. Life goes on, doesn’t it? loves and =).

12:51 am

Monday, July 06, 2009

fear, hope and whenever

Hey citizens of the universe. Haha I doubt anyone actually reads this anyway, not that I care about it. but in case anyone actually does, it’s nice to get a greeting right? Haha. Ok lame.

Anyway, school’s starting in like a couple of weeks and that equates to me officially being a sophomore. It’s extremely hard to believe that I’ve cleared my freshman year and being a sophomore is no longer something that will happen in the future but what I am. Freshman year was interesting but I shall not dwell into that cause it’ll take forever.

But what I find strange is that I’m nervous and fearful, exactly how I felt a year ago. But shouldn’t I be feeling calm and ready? Why the overwhelming sensation of fear? It’s just so weird, so unbelievable so oh my goodness.

I was just talking to my fellow soci mates during the bbq on Friday and they were all so pumped and excited for school to start even though it meant the once again heavy workload, the late nights and the all so familiar no life that we will have. So why am I the odd one out, feeling complete anxiety?

I’ve been cracking my brains trying to find a reason but all I get is even more question marks filling my head. So I guess I will stop thinking and just deal with this silly fear and move on.

Right now I just hope to be able to teach as many times as possible before school starts as I told myself that this will 99.99% be the last time I go back to pcps to teach as a holiday job. I really should start venturing into the world outside the comfort of the social institution called school and deal with real idiots who don’t share the same values as I do and/or are just a plain pain the butt who totally deserve nothing that they get and not have anyone to defend or help me like I do in school. So pei chun, call me, as often as possible cause I really want to soak up every moment I can teaching and interacting with everyone in school. And I really do hope that I can teach those funky kids in 6c just one more time before I start school.

I think I should hit the sack, my thoughts are just flying everywhere and I do not like it when I sound like a complete idiot. So till whenever. =)

2:09 am

Monday, June 15, 2009

come back to me

MY LOVELY AND DEAREST RED APPLE NANO WHICH IS PEROSNALISED IS GONE. =(

Chances are its stolen. I won’t go into details on how it got missing but I just hope some kind soul will return it to me. But there have been way too many cases of Singaporeans being extremely heartless and not returning stuff that they found. And they are usually, not like 99.99999% of the time youths.

My grandfather lost his wallet a couple of months ago and he met a lovely elderly man who returned it to him. So I really wish that some lovely person will return me my nano too.
The reason why I want it back so much is because it’s a gift from my parents. It wasn’t a oh-I-shall-go-and-buy-a-nano-cause-i-feel-like-it moment but my parents gave it to me after I got into anu and they told me that I couldn’t go. The reason why inspiration and strength is engraved on it is because I’m supposed to seek inspiration and strength from whatever that happens and deal with it. Uni apps was seriously a terrible period of me and they wanted me to not lose hope and continue to work hard and hope to be inspired and inspire others and have to strength to carry on when problems mount. Plus it has my name on it, reminding me to stay true to who I am and to not stray from my goals.

So now that it’s gone, I feel as if that whole part of me is gone too. Sure I can get a replacement, but the whole meaning is lost. It just won’t be the same.

So whoever that took it, if it is really the case, I don’t care if I sound like a fing bitch now but you will never understand the meaning of those words, the story behind it. You will forever live in guilt of taking away something so important to me. and I really wonder, how can you ever have a good night sleep, for you have committed a crime and you will not always be so lucky. So guess what, good luck to you and may those words on my ipod haunt you forever.