What if!

I have been hurt badly once and I do have fear in relationship. That is something that I couldn’t deny, well. I know life is about falling down and climbing up but somehow you just can’t forget the wound. Honestly I would like to commit deeply into a relationship and do open myself but it is easier said than done. It took me years to get go of my previous relationship which was truly that relationship was affected by my second girlfriend who broke me deeply and dated another guy. I felt insecure during the relationship with my ex even though I do love her previously. I remember having that fear that she would went for another guy and betray me after my breakup and through this years, the fear has been haunting me on girls I dated for the past 11 years. So somehow I would hold on to the feelings of girls because of my sentimental character yet when we are dating the fear daunted me. Somehow, I am not a perfect person! My childhood and my wound has made me become a very sensitive person even though  It will took awhile for me to slowly trust and hand my heart over to them. I am scared of falling, hence I do build a wall around my heart.  I have been told about this issue and I do wanted to face it and re-trust and re-Love again!

The funny part is always full of surprises. I wasn’t expect to meet a girl of what I am looking for in this bag packing trip and was actually awaiting for jobs opportunity in China. Somehow this particular girl has the characteristic of what I am looking for beside our age differences. It was comfortable with her and true enough she gave me the feeling and hope that she would be by my side walking my life journey together. But we are distance apart, a long distance indeed. There are so many “what if” that surround my heads now due to my lack of trust!  What if there are other guys going for her ? What if our connection diluted and we drift apart ? What if she betray me and slept with other guy since I am not by her side ? What if things don’t work out in future? What if this fate has pass ? What if she is mass dating now ?

Well, life always give us situations for us to learn. I do knew that one of my biggest fear in life was trust, I have been broken once and I took the broken pieces bits and bits and fix my heart back. I do felt insecure but at the same time I do want to move on in life from the previous nightmare and get into a new life with new relationship. 

Now it always two side of a coin, at one side I cannot be at her side and get hold of her yet having distance relationship now means I can focus on settling down on China if I do have a job there but at the same time my fear of losing her and feeling insecure is strong. I do know that this is the wrong feeling that I hold on now and I really trying to trust the environment again. Well, I have to emphasis to myself that every thing happens for a reason, every person we met do teach us a lesson! 

I am boring person, a person who doesn’t stay in cliques and don’t like party life. I have been pursuing hard for my dreams and hopping to have a better family life in the near future. The future is unknown but I really hope to move on from my wound and fall in love again! Well writing the fears out really symbolised my desire for a change, I have no one I can speak to regarding to this and I really hope to trust again!

The path of growing ...

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6 June 2018

I feeling super sucky now as she has left me for another guy, and I was so depressed that I started looking for guidance, the lack of sense of security making me panic. I have not even get hold of her and yet she is gone, the path and plans that I do have ahead of me may be gone now, and someday... the three of us going to be single.

I have waited for her for 4 years now, yet the self-doubt has always been an issue for me. From all her actions previously, I do know her feeling but I decided to take things slowly and do not have the courage to confess. I have never had the courage to confess verbally and I have tried to initial chats through whatsapp but she seems to be a convo killer and things doesn’t seems to move forward, and that the biggest reason why it keep dragging until the day she is gone.

Thru this few months, I guess the biggest issue with me was communication, previously for all my relationship and self-doubt. I have always been putting work as my first priority and have not even think much about settling down. Taking things for granted that she will always by my side and we will work out together. Now I really really lost her.

This remind me of a similar to the case with Amanda previously, long ago someone told me that Amanda would be able to help me pursue my dreams to have my own agency, so when we first have our initial chat back then when I did tell her I really hope that she could also help me pursue my dreams and I did share the thoughts with her when in our first few convo when she asks me how I felt about her. She disagrees with me for this and believe that each of us have our own space. As I have not gone thru much relationship, I was naïve to believe that the girl was here as a partner in everything you do .. following you. I was wrong, I guess the biggest take away I do learn back then was that for a relationship to work, communication must work. And respecting each other choice and coming out to a compromised result. Quarrels is part of the communication as well.

This few weeks really taught me about communication, from the day when she did not inform me that she is not coming to office and I have waited and hopping that she appears (Sorry I did that to her also). Initially I felt anger pissed, I make a trip to office to get close to her yet she not coming in. But to be real fair to her, who can read my mind? If I don’t voice out how would she knows about it? I did calm myself down and continue the day for that. Similar to the site visit incident where I felt that I should not assume that she would know how I feel and that I thought that we are meeting on site without really telling and talking much to her.  The timing has changed for the meeting and I assume that she was in the group chat, for that particular day when she is pissed and I get pissed off for her vending her anger on me, I did have a quick thought of lucky we aren’t together and the tiredness of a relationship that would lead me into. When I started to calm down and think through, I decided to apologised to her for a simple reason, it all started with a miscommunication, and if we can’t create this mutual communication how are we going to support each other and guide each other to grow and love. But sadly, what done has been done, she must be pissed with me back then, although she did forgive me there after.

All these communication issue would have been avoided if we really talk to each other every day on chat, sharing every moment together.

For this relationship, I felt lost ever since end May after Graff Project. I felt that my communication with her could have improved and I really hope that we could have frequent chat with each other but I am stuck in a position where she is a convo-killer, how do I even get it started. I am an introvert and not like the other guys who take a lot of initiative, at the day where we met graphic tech for the project discussion. While in the coffee shop, I get jealous that she has been giving attention to her other friend in her whatsapp group and there is no way I can get close to her, and jealous of her communication with her friends which I failed badly in. There was a very strong light ray shining through her eyes and I could have just a simple gesture of me moving my seat to block off the lights from her to make her feel comfortable. But I DIDN’T , I am sorry. I was feeling jealous back then, I really really wanted to communicate much with her, share with her my feelings my everyday life but I really really did not know how and what to do. There has been a barrier which I cannot break through. Even though I can’t deny that she is the first girl who really tried to understand me and my past previously through our verbal conversation, I was really hopping to have a whatsapp communication with her, sharing with her like what I did previously with all my other girls.

Beside one of my ex colleague, I did not even mention my love for her to anyone. Fearing the outcome (lack of security), not even my parents. Honestly, I have never brought a girl home and I really do not know how my parents would respond.

Moving forward, after I become panic that I may lose her. I went to seek spiritual guidance, and true that I was asked to quickly get hold of her, else she would be taken away by another guy but I was not supposed to ask that soon. But again, lacking of the sense of security and fearing that she would be taken away. I did the unthinkable move, I hold on to my courage for one full day on Monday and confessed to her, really fearing of losing her than any other thing else. But unfortunately the spiritual lady was right, there is a guy that also like her now, and she did push me away.

Well its seems to be a two sided coin, I should have trust in her and let the environment or god do the job to bring her back, but I decided not to follow and to confess and know the true which hurt me really badly.

Well, its two side of a coin. If this never happen, I would have not taken the courage to talk to my parents about it, I would not have the courage to confess even till end of the year, I would not know that she is soooooo important to me and I really really really love her.

I really want to form a family with her, married her and I do appreciate what she did for me previously. There is nothing I can do now, since there is a third party involved. All I can do is to pray that she will come back, and I have learned to cherish her.  For a choice between my career and forming my family, I have already decided to form a family with her. I really love her a lot!

I really dunno what to do next now she's gone. I really do not want to choose career over family. I do not have a good childhood and I really hope and cherish the time of having my own family.