9 down - 3 to go!

I had my 9th round of chemo this morning at 8:30.  This time it was Josh and Kristin (sis-in-law) that tagged along for the fun.  I got a little nervous that chemo would not be taking place after seeing my lab results.  My WBC (white blood count) was a bit low, but that's not out of the norm for me.  It was the neutrophils that were super low coming in at 0.35. The neutrophils are our bodies main infection fighters.  Do the math: infection fighters being very low + seeing lots of people over the Christmas holiday weekend = Steph needing to keep her distance to stay healthy. 

If we have plans of seeing each other over the course of this weekend, please don't misinterpret my distance and cautiousness with being stand off-ish or "cold".  It's critical that I keep myself healthy, and avoid a hospital stay if at all possible.  Thanks in advance for understanding.  I'm being naughty by venturing out, but it's Christmas! I don't think Dr. Londer would be pleased.  I do have a few masks though that he gave me.  I'll just need to make sure I have one handy in case there are sick people around me.

Everything went as scheduled this morning.  I didn't have a Dr. Londer appointment first because we were just in on Wednesday getting the PET results.  When I was in there on Wednesday, he tried convincing me to hold off on getting chemo today until after the holidays, and then coming in on Tuesday.  The only problem with that is once I start going in on Tuesdays, then all chemo's after that point would be on Tuesdays which would just jack up my entire work schedule. I'm not supposed to be around people 3-4 days after chemo which would make it so I'd need to finish out the week at home.  Fridays are just better days.  Then I have the weekend to relax, and I work from home that Monday.

My stomach is not so great right now, but it's nothing like what it was the last chemo round.  It's just that terrible acid reflux I'm feeling (or think I'm feeling).  My chemo nurse, Amy, seems to think it could have been food poisoning, which would make sense.  I ate a tuna salad sandwich from Cub Foods early in the day, and come noon when we were leaving I was feeling terrible, and got sick for a good 6 hours afterwards.  After a little Pedialyte, it subsided, and I felt pretty darn good. You'd think if it was the stomach bug, it'd last at least 24 hours.  Either way, they bumped up my steroid amount in my IV today (oh joy...not) and gave me some extra anti-nausea meds at the very end to make me sleepy when I got home.  I was able to get in a good nap after a had some lunch.

I think it's time to quit yackin', take some Lorazapam, and head to bed but before I do so I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas from Josh and I.  We love you all dearly, and thank you for your continued support and words of wisdom.  Please pray for continued good health for me over this holiday weekend and through the rest of my chemo!! =)

My PET scan results show little change from my last scan.  Sure, I'm happy, but I'll admit that I was slightly disappointed by this news of "little change".   The second scan was so dramatic that I guess I set my hopes up for this one to be just as dramatic.  I don't really know what I was thinking.  The important thing is that we're still moving in the right direction and the chemo is doing what it's supposed to which is kick this cancer in the butt!  The mass size in my chest has shrunk a tad and it looks like the scar tissue has broken up a bit.  There is still a small spot in the center of the mass that appears to be active cells, so the decision has been made that I will finish out all 12 rounds of chemo, have yet another PET scan done, and then make a decision at that point whether a round of radiation is necessary or not.  February 3rd can't come soon enough.  

Of course they weighed me and took my vitals before I saw Dr. Londer, and to my surprise I've gained another 4 stinkin' pounds since my last chemo.  4 pounds in just under 2 weeks...Really? ...REALLY?!?  That's frustrating.  I've been working out on a fairly regular basis, and my eating habits are not terrible.  Yes, they could be better, but it's not like I'm sitting around stuffing donuts and ding dongs in my pie hole.  I think what's happening is these steroids I'm on are assisting in keeping my weight up, and when I'm working out, I'm bulking up.  I want to continue working out to keep my heart strong and my weight in check, but clearly my weight is not in check.  It's going up whether I work out or not, and I'm NOT pleased.  If I keep gaining weight at this rate, what will the scale look like come February 3rd!? 

I've never had to diet a day in my life, but something needs to change.  I hate the word diet.  It really just comes down to moderation and the concept of calories in vs. calories burned.  Sounds simple enough, right?  My mom gave me a couple Weight Watcher books to look through that lists out food options and their point value.  I'm hoping I can learn a little bit about the program, and try to make some better food choices to assist in dropping a few pounds or at least maintain a healthy weight.  I think part of my problem is simply lacking self control when treats are put in my face, especially when chocolate is in the equation.  Christmas is a few days away, and I have now been gifted 3 sets of homemade goodies - cookies, fudge, truffles, peanut brittle, etc. etc. etc.  This is no bueno!  Could I have picked a worse time in the year to attempt to cut back?  I don't think so.  I'd really like to not be one of those people that says, "I'll start my diet after the holidays",  but I may not have a choice if I want to be successful.  

I had a PET scan on Monday morning, and will be receiving the results tomorrow (Wednesday) at 10:15 am.  I'm praying for GREAT results! Dr. Londer said that the chances of the results showing the cancer moving in the wrong direction would be quite rare, but my mind wants to think the worst.  I'm doing my best to try to stay positive and remind myself of my last PET scan results.  They were amazing, so why would this one be any different?  Knowing that this scan may determine the rest of my treatment plan gives me anxiety, but I'm also excited.  I'm counting on you chemo to continue doing some serious damage to the mass in my chest!  We want to see zero active cancer cells tomorrow! 

Stay tuned...

It all worked out!

What a busy weekend it was!  I had my 8th round of chemo this past Friday, and man oh man did I feel TERRIBLE!  So terrible, I feel the need to put the word in bold AND underline it just so you know how truly awful I really did feel.  Apparently all the anti-nausea medications they pump into my body before ABVD all decided to fail me.  I don't know about you, but there is nothing worse than puking your guts out.  Oh wait...sure there is.  How about when you've got it coming out of both ends at the same time?  T.M.I - I know and I apologize.

The dry heaving started a couple miles from home, and I was doing everything in my power to avoid throwing up in Josh's car.  I tried every trick in the book - drinking water, taking deep breaths, closing my eyes and imagining myself in my happy place (anywhere warm and by an ocean), and even had the A/C cranked and blowing in my face even though the temperature outside was only in the 20's.  This was not good.  How could I feel so terrible after chemo, and expect to feel well enough a few hours later to hop in the car and head to Mankato in order to see Josh graduate on Saturday morning?  Our hotel reservations had been made a few months in advance, and being that it was the day of arrival, we weren't getting our money back if we canceled the reservation.  Oh the predicament we were in.  Trying to stay positive, I thought that maybe once we made it home, I could crawl into bed and get in a good 3 hour nap and wake up to no nausea.  Nope...of course not!  Sleeping was out of the question.  The second I'd lay down, I was hopping back up and rushing for the toilet.

It was almost 5 pm, and Josh had to make a decision.  He needed to be to Mankato one way or another, and we decided he'd go ahead and stay the night in the hotel and we'd touch base later on that night/first thing Saturday morning.  Sharon (Josh's mom), Kristin (sis-in-law), and the kiddos (Emma (niece) and Ryan (nephew)) were already at the hotel so it wasn't like Josh was going to be alone.  He just didn't want to leave me at home without anyone else there in case I needed to head to Urgent Care for dehydration.  I knew he was torn as to what to do, but felt a little better once my parents decided to stay behind in case I needed anything, even though they too had a room reserved that evening in Mankato.

Before Josh left for Mankato, he went and picked me up some stuff - Prilosec,  Powerade Zero, and Pedialyte.  I watched an episode of Dr. Oz on one of my days I worked from home and he mentioned how Pedialyte is a great cure for hang overs.  Now, obviously I wasn't experiencing any kind of hang over, but I figured, what do I have to lose?  I'm not kidding when I say that this stuff is liquid GOLD!  Within 20 minutes of taking a few good swigs from the bottle, I was already starting to come around.  All the cramping and gurgling going on in my stomach was subsiding and I felt like a new woman when I woke up on Saturday.  My parents swung by around 6 am, picked me up, and off we went to Mankato.  I knew it meant so much to Josh that we were all able to be there for him, and it was important for me to be there too.  He had invested 2 1/2 years to getting his MBA, and walking across that stage and accepting his diploma that Saturday morning was the icing on the cake.  Emma and Ryan cheered on uncle Josh with their pom pom's and we all met up at the Pizza Ranch afterwards for a little lunch before heading home (Thanks for lunch, Sharon!).  It all worked out in the end!

Some pictures from graduation - 12-10-2011

Emma & Ryan cheering on uncle Josh

 

Here we are...a couple of baldies! 

Josh came home with a shaved head on Monday night so now we're BOTH bald!  He mentioned how self conscious he felt as a baldy, but of course I think he looks cute.  His hair grows so fast that in a couple weeks, you'll probably never know he shaved his head in the first place.

 

I can't believe tomorrow already marks 1 week since I shaved my own head!  It seems like forever ago already.  I was so anxious about losing my hair since day 1, and then when Friday came around I felt (strangely) cool, calm, and collected.  I'll admit that I started to sweat a bit a couple hours before heading out for my appointment, but it was a brief moment of anxiety, and then it passed.  God had to have been with me on Friday, guiding me through this process.  I really don't how how else to explain the peace I felt inside.  I was actually quite proud of myself!  There were very few tears.  I know it's hard to believe being how many blog entries I've posted about my darn hair, but ask my witnesses (mom and Josh).  They'll tell you the same thing.  We were joking around and having a good ole' time by the time we left the appointment. 

I took Monday off as an extra day for myself in case I was mourning my hair, but I did so well that I didn't really need it.  It was nice though to get caught up on sleep...and laundry!  Tuesday morning was a tad nerve racking just because I was debuting my wig at work, and didn't know how those around me would react.  I decided that I'm going to wear the shorter/darker wig to work everyday and not switch it up with the blonde one like I was thinking about doing (I'll save the blonde one for the weekends).  The people that don't know I have cancer just think that I cut my hair and dyed it dark, which I'm totally cool with!  In fact, I prefer that.  One of the new gals in the office asked me if I cut off a lot of hair, which I thought was kind of funny.  I just told her, "yeah...you could say that!".  Oh, if she only knew! I wasn't about to get into how it's not really my hair, and how I have cancer because 1.)  It makes the conversation weird and 2.)  I want to be treated like a normal person.  For the most part I haven't had too many issues, but there are a couple people who treat me like I'm a delicate porcelain doll who could shatter at any second.  I hate that!

I have my 8th chemo treatment tomorrow morning.  Mom and Josh will be there as usual.  I'm sure my PET scan appointment will be made for sometime next early next week so we can figure out a game plan for the rest of my treatment.  I'm already getting anxious for my PET scan, but I'm sure it'll be fine!  My friend Megan calls it scanxiety, which is a perfect name for it.  I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with this process - or shall I say the waiting game process and the moment right before the results are read.  After chemo, we'll make our way home and I'll get in a good nap, and then it's off to Mankato!  Josh is graduating from his MBA program on Saturday, and I could not be any prouder of him and his accomplishments. I know I'm technically supposed to hunker down at home this weekend and stay away from large groups of people, but I refuse to miss this special moment.  It's not everyday your spouse graduates, and with top honors might I add!  Stay tuned for pictures!

I am loved.

Jake and Sarah,

Thank you!  Thank you for being so amazing to Josh and I all these years, and especially now as we get through this challenging time in our life.  You did not have to shave your heads to show your support, but the fact that you did makes me cry so many happy tears.  My heart is so full of love for both of you.  You're more than best friends to us - You're family.  And we're BEYOND blessed to have you in our lives.

P.S. - I hope Lucy isn't too traumatized that both of her parents are now BALD! =)

It's time...

There is no getting around it - Chemo round #7 has kicked my butt.  My hair is falling out at an accelerated rate and the acid reflux I've been battling just won't let up regardless of how many Tums or Zantac I digest in any given 24 hour period of time.  Although the stomach issues are a nuisance, I can deal with them.  The hair situation, I cannot.  I told myself in the beginning of this process that I was not going to let this hair loss control me, and the minute I felt like it was, the hair needed to go.  It was a sad realization on Tuesday morning that 'it's time' as I sat in front of the mirror strategically positioning hairs with bobby pins over my problem spots.  I'm proud of myself that I've been able to hold onto my hair as long as I have, and for a while there I even wondered if I was going to somehow luck out and keep my hair.  I could probably ride this out a little longer, but at some point a person just needs to know when to say that enough is enough!

I was now on a mission.  The first thing I did when I got into work on Tuesday morning was call up DK International and asked to schedule an appointment with Michelle to have my head shaved.  I think it goes without saying, but never in a million years did I ever think I'd be making an appointment like that.  My hair would be gone right now if she would have had availability on Tuesday, but I'm glad now that she didn't.  My appointment is Friday afternoon, and thankfully Josh and my mom will both be there for support.  I think Friday is a better day for something like this anyways.  I know it's going to be emotionally draining so having the weekend to get used to my new "do" will be a good thing I think.  I've had a couple wigs just waiting for some time now so I might as well put them to good use.  By the time I'm finally getting used to wearing them will probably be the time when my treatment plan (whatever that may be) is wrapping up.  I can't wait for that day!  Remission here I come. 

Chemo Round 7 - Check!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving on Thursday.  I sure did!  Josh and I spent the day with his side of the family, and it was a very relaxing, low-key kind of day, which I enjoyed.  We got a chance to catch up with everyone, played with our niece and nephew (Emma and Ryan) - getting in plenty of snuggle time,  and watched our Green Bay Packers kick some butt!  Not to mention the weather was BEAUTIFUL so traveling was a breeze.  It was just an all around good day!

There was no black Friday shopping for this gal!  Not that I would have gone out anyways.  I did that once, and told myself NEVER AGAIN!  I will pay the extra money just so I don't have to deal with the chaos, or buy online.  That's really the way to go these days.  My Friday morning consisted of heading to Hubert Humphrey Cancer Center for chemo treatment #7.  I'm officially more than halfway there (assuming I finish out all 12 treatments).  Dr. Londer was there, so we met with him first and got a chance to ask about what he sees for me in regards to the rest of my treatment plan.  What we know for sure at this time is that I will get 8 treatments under my belt, and then go in for another PET scan to see where we are.  At that point, we'll regroup and decide what the next plan of attack is.  I suppose that's fair enough.  Taking things one step at a time is the best way to go vs planning too far out only to have it derailed.

When I got home, I just wasn't feeling so hot.  My stomach was rotten, and my nose was all plugged up and runny, so I layed down for a nap hoping I'd feel better when I woke up - Nope!  Still had an upset stomach, so I took a Zantac, one of my anti-nausea medications, 4 tums, AND a Sudafed tab for this stuffed up nose.  My nose seems to have cleared, but my stomach is still uneasy.  I knew I should have "knocked on wood" after commenting yesterday how I've been feeling pretty good these days! I think I jinxed myself...=)

I had taken Monday off (11/21) as a day for myself to just get some extra R&R, but of course that changed.  When I went in for my 6th treatment, the chemo nurse I had that day asked if I had a Pulmonary Function test done before starting chemo which I had not.  I'm pretty sure I had every other possible test run on me, but a Pulmonary Function test was not one of them.  This test is meant to check your lung function before you start chemo as sometimes one of the drugs (Bleomycin) can cause some serious lung problems, so they like getting a base line in case I run into issues down the line.  I already had my yearly physical scheduled that morning so I decided what the heck?  I might as well just make a day of it and get this done as well since I'm off work anyways.  The test itself lasted maybe 15-20 minutes - pretty quick and painless.  The hardest part for me was figuring out where I needed to be.  I parked in the same ramp as always when I head over the hospital, but this particular test ended up being on the other end of the hospital (of course :) ).  Somehow I made it over there just fine despite my terrible directional sense, and on time!  This never happens if you know me.  I tend to be fashionably late wherever I go.  I can only imagine how I will be when kids are in the picture!

I hadn't heard anything back about my results by the time Friday came around so I asked Dr. Londer if he had received anything back yet, which he hadn't.  I guess this department isn't particularly good about sending over results once received.  I'm not too worried about it though since the lady administering the test kept telling me things were looking good.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.  I'm starting to see a trend here with all this waiting, and for an anal control freak like myself, that can be difficult sometimes.  I consider all this waiting to be a test of patience.  You know what they say... Patience is a virtue!

So much to be thankful for...

As Thanksgiving day approaches, it's time to reflect on what we're thankful for in our lives.  There is so much that I'm thankful for, especially this year which has been a particularly challenging one.  For starters, I'm thankful for the wonderful support system I have in my family and friends.  You all really stepped up to the plate this year to hold me up when my world was crumbling around me.  You continue to provide Josh and I with so much love, and without you,  this cancer battle would be a lonely journey.  You make sure that we're always in your thoughts and prayers, and your positive words of hope give us so much strength.  For you, I'm thankful!

I'm thankful for my health.  You may be thinking, "your health??"  but it's true.  In general, I'm a pretty healthy person outside of this whole cancer nonsense.  I've always tried to take reasonably good care of my body, but now especially, it's important that I do what I can to stay healthy.  I've been working out to keep my heart strong and my weight down, and trying to eat healthy foods (for the most part =) ).   I want to live a long healthy life.  Isn't that the goal for all of us?  If not, it should be.  We're only given one life.  Make it count!

Times are hard right now, and people are out of jobs.  I've been thankful and continue to be thankful that both Josh and I are employed and work for incredibly understanding bosses.  I'm able to leave for appointments without the 20 questions, and Josh has been able to be with me for all of my chemo Friday's.  Continuing to bring in regular paychecks is important and health insurance is a HUGE deal.  In the beginning of this all, I had only been with my new job a month, and was very fearful of not being able to meet the work demands and losing my job.  What would I have done?  Without work we'd be in so much trouble with all the medical bills I've racked up since August.  When the going gets tough, always know that it can always be worse.  I'm able to continue getting chemo treatments bi-weekly, and when I need to see a doctor, I'm able to do so without the heartburn of wondering, "how am I ever going to pay this bill?"

I have been so incredibly blessed in my life and will always be thankful.  It does me no good to dwell on things in my life that aren't working out in my favor or the things I've missed out on.  It's all about moving forward and remembering to thank your lucky stars for all the good in your life.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Madson's

Be Kind to One Another

The Ellen DeGeneres Show is one of my favorites.  She's just so down to earth and I laugh the entire hour.  It's really one of those shows that's just good for the soul.  At the end of every show, Ellen ends with, "be kind to one another".   I think it's a nice reminder to all of us.  Sometimes it's easy to "lose our cool" with the people around us, and for what reason?  Maybe our patience is running thin with the car in front of us who's driving under the speed limit, or we're annoyed because the cashier at the grocery store isn't ringing us up fast enough (in our mind).  Whatever the situation, I think we need to just take a chill pill!  Why are we always rushing through life?  And while we're at it, why aren't we treating those around us with the utmost respect we feel we deserve (and vice versa)?  The person you're tailgating could be someone's grandma.  Would you want someone tailgating your grandma?  Probably not.  The cashier you're rolling your eyes at or sighing in frustration is someone's son or daughter.  Again, would you want someone doing this to your child?  Probably not.  So why do we do it?  Sometimes putting things into perspective can help alter our attitude, especially when dealing with the people around us.

What I realize more and more each day is that we're all fighting some sort of battle.  I've been hearing a lot of stories of heartache lately - The unexpected loss of a family pet, a miscarriage halfway through pregnancy, a diagnosis of mental illness - the list goes on and on.  Even though I'm going through my own battle right now,  I can't help but pray for those around me who are heartbroken.  May God give you the strength to get you through these hard times and lets you find the peace you need so you may move forward in your life.

When you're feeling like you're the only one going through a hard time and feel an urge to lash out towards the person you're riding too close behind, or the cashier who just isn't working fast enough for you, please just STOP and think about that battle they may be fighting.  Life is funny sometimes.  We all get a turn to experience not only the highs in life, but unfortunately the lows as well that tend to trip us up from time to time.  Isn't it time we cut each other some slack?

Be Kind to One Another.

I've been receiving a lot of questions lately as to why I haven't submitted any new blog entries, along with questions about what the next steps are for treatment.  I know I haven't been very good about keeping everyone in the loop, and trust me, it has been on the almighty "to do" list.  My excuse is that I've been really trying to put my new work out equipment to good use at night after work, and unfortunately this means the blog has temporarily taken a back seat as I try to focus on toning up my back seat!

I knew that I had some loyal blog followers from day one, but I guess I didn't realize to what extent until I quit writing.  Tonight my mom compared my new blog entries to a favorite TV show one may have.  You look forward to a new "episode" being on, and when it's a re-run, you're kind of bummed.  I don't find myself to be particularly interesting, but I am flattered if you've enjoyed following along!  As long as people continue reading, I'll continue writing and staying current on the latest and greatest.  It means a lot to me that you care so much!  Speaking of caring so much, a special shout out needs to go to Kellie and Laurie.  These ladies have sent me a "thinking of you" card EVERY SINGLE WEEK.  Yes, every week!  And they're always full of words of encouragement and the positivity that I thrive on.  You'll never know how much that truly means to me so THANK YOU.


It's time to get down to the nitty gritty!
Remember me telling you about my AMAZING PET scan results?  I'm sure by now most of you have already seen this, but below is a side-by-side of my original scan and my first follow-up scan.  After just 4 rounds of chemo, no active cancer cells can be detected.  As I stated in the last entry, even though you can't see any active cells here, it doesn't mean we stop treatment.  It just may be altered a bit.  With ABVD, each treatment builds on the previous one so there is a constant attack on this mass with no break.  I will kill this cancer if it's the last thing I do!  I have too much living left to do. 

 I have to admit that although the results are pretty remarkable, it has been difficult for me to digest this information.  I haven't really given myself a chance to celebrate and just enjoy this moment, and if anything, this news had an opposite effect on me, as though I received bad news instead.  Why was I feeling like a black cloud was hovering over my head?  I wanted to celebrate, and everyone else around me was celebrating.  I didn't want to allow myself to have that moment only to realize later there was some sort of mistake with the results.  I know that PET scans don't lie and the proof is in the pictures.  It's just me protecting myself.  Since receiving a copy of my PET scan pictures (all 3,000 of them),  I've had a chance to look through them one by one from the comfort of my own home and for the first time, really digest the good news.  The black cloud has passed. 

Look who still has her hair!!

   
I had my 6th round of chemo last Friday (11/11) and it went just fine as usual.  Dr. Londer had the week off so I saw a different Oncologist before heading over to the treatment center.  I was telling her about some of the symptoms I've been having, which was also contributing to my "black cloud" - the arm soreness and finger tip tingling/numbness was coming back, I was having some shortness of breath, and a burning sensation in my throat when I'd take a deep breath.  I thought maybe the cancer was coming back with a vengeance and these were symptoms letting me know that's the case.  She put my worried mind to rest when she advised that the arm issues and finger numbness/tingling is neuropathy from the chemo drugs, and the shortness of breath and burning could actually be acid reflux related.  I haven't experienced much acid reflux before so it never occurred to me that this could be the case, but it makes total sense.  I've been advised to take a daily acid blocker and tums.  It seems to be helping!

I'm finding that I'm my own worst enemy, and think I may struggle a bit when this is all said and done, wondering if every little ache and pain I have is cancer-related.  From what I understand, this is pretty common after going through cancer, but in talking with others who have gone through it, I'm told that this too shall pass with time.

A couple pictures from chemo round #6

God is Good & the Power of Prayer is Real

My PET scan results were AMAZING!!  I am still in shock and on cloud 9!  In my heart I knew that there just had to be some improvement based on how I've been feeling, but when Dr. Londer did a side-by-side comparison of the scans showing no active cells I was floored!  I had no words.  He said that there could still be active cells that are just not being picked up on the scan because they're so small, so we'll definitely continue some form of treatment plan.  It just may be altered slightly based on how good I'm reacting to treatment.  This may mean a trip to the U of M to get their take on what the best form of treatment may be in my case.  Option 1 would be that we just continue with what we've been doing, finishing out all 12 treatments, and then no radiation. Option 2 is that I have a few more treatments putting me at 8 total, and then a round of radiation straight to the chest mass to kill whatever is left.  The downside to radiation is that it's a localized form of treatment so if there were other spots left in my body with active cells, the radiation wouldn't hit those spots whereas chemo hits all locations where there is cancer.  Also, with radiation, Dr. Londer said there is a very small chance I could develop breast cancer later on in life since it'd be hitting the chest where obviously being a woman, I have breast tissue.  Being that it'd be one round of radiation, there isn't too much concern, but they still need to tell you the risks.  I have a few more treatments and another PET scan to go through before a decision needs to be made, but that's currently where we are at.  The mass may always be in my chest even when this is all said and done, but the important thing is that everything will be dead and take the form of scar tissue if anything at that point.

It was just all around a good day after receiving such good news from the doctor, and to make it even better, a very special friend that I met through her husband back in 2007 drove 3 hours today to visit me at Hubert Humphrey during my treatment.  She too as fought and kicked Hodgkins Lymphoma in the butt, and oddly enough also had the same Oncologist and nurse during her journey so it was nice she got a chance to catch up with everyone while she was there.  She shared stories of her journey including struggles she faced, fears she had, and the success of coming out on the other side.  She's a mom of 2 little girls too.  The perfect role model to look up to as I'm on my way to being cancer free!  Megan - Thanks for making the long haul today!  You're such a strong and amazing woman! 

For those of you who know me well know that my faith is somewhat of a new thing that has been developing over the course of a couple years now.  I wasn't raised in a very religious home, not that my parents didn't try because they definitely did. I just wasn't receptive to it at the time so church wasn't in all honesty a comfortable place to go when we would.  I just felt so out of place which is sad when I think back on it now because I feel so much peace when I'm there now.  When Josh and I started this journey of finding our church home we were told by several people that when you go through hard times and all else fails, you always have your faith and support of your church community to lean on.  They were so right!  Mt. Olivet is our church home and we just love it there! Pastor Beth came to our home before round 4 of treatment just to spend some time with us for a while and she brought me a beautiful purple shawl from the church, which is beautiful and so thoughtful.  Little did she know, purple (violet if you want to get specific) is the color for Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Call it a coincidence if you'd like.  I'd like to think it's a small way of God letting me know he knows what I'm fighting and that he's with me every step of the way.  When I wrap that shawl around my shoulders, it's him wrapping his arms around me.

Pastor Beth - if you're reading this, I just want to thank you again for taking time on a busy Sunday to meet with Josh and I.  It meant a lot to both of us! =)

God is Good!

...and now we wait...

You're probably wondering how the PET scan went on Tuesday.  It went fine. All in all it's about the easiest procedure to have when compared to having a port put in your chest, or a bone marrow test. You check in, answer some standard questions, they put an IV in your arm to take blood and make sure your blood sugar levels are good, inject a small amount of radiopharmaceutical, and then you literally hang out in a dark room for 45 minutes before they bring you into the room where you lay still for another 20 minutes. Some people sleep, but not me!  Even with the warm blanket on my lap and around my shoulders, I closed my eyes and my mind began to wander.  First I thought about food (naturally!).  You can't eat or drink anything (besides plain water) 6 hours before the scan so by the time 9:15 rolled around, I was STARVING.  I then started thinking about Friday and proceeded to play out all the possible scenarios in my head.  Good AND bad.

Even though I'm sure the results will show good things, I still wonder what I'll do if it doesn't.  What if the steroids and drugs are simply just holding the cancer at bay vs. melting it away?  I don't think I can honestly handle receiving bad news at this point in time, especially since I've been working so hard at remaining positive, and have been feeling so good.  I'm trying not to get ahead of myself here, but this is the result of making me wait 3 days for answers on this PET scan!!  It's torture.  My mind starts to go places it shouldn't.  I need to just keep reminding myself to breathe...take things one day at a time...and stay OPTIMISTIC. 

Have you ever experienced happiness and utter sadness at the same time?  It seems like everyone I know these days is either pregnant, or recently had a baby.  If it's not pregnancy announcements or birth announcements, it's postings of adorable baby pictures on Facebook.  My Facebook is literally covered in everything BABY.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm so happy for others who are experiencing such joy in their life right now.  What a blessed time! It's just a reminder that the journey I'm on right now is the absolute opposite of wonderful.  Could you say that I'm jealous?  Absolutely!  Are there times when I wallow in my self pity?  More than you know!  First I feel bad for myself, then I get angry that I'm going through this, and then something inside of me tells me to snap out of it, put my big girl pants on, and deal with the hand I've been dealt.  So that's what I do, and that's what I'll continue to do.


Life is...

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is a beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is life, fight for it.

-Mother Teresa

No news is good news...

Well...here we are.  It's Sunday night already and it's back to work first thing tomorrow morning.  Is it too early to declare that I have a case of the Mondays?

I can't believe it's been over a week since my last blog entry.  It's been pretty low key here in the Madson household lately so I haven't had much to share, which I guess is a good thing, right?  This weekend was supposed to be the weekend we head to Faith's Lodge (http://www.faithslodge.org/) and offer up our assistance with whatever the staff needs help with.  Typically it's outside chores like racking leaves, cutting down dead trees, and in this year's case planting new ones.  We go every year with my dad's side of the family, and have the greatest time.  It's one of the most rewarding experiences to be able to help out.  You can tell that it means so much to the staff when we're there, and it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside.  Unfortunately this year Josh and I decided it'd be in our best interest not to go with me just now getting over this nasty cold I've been fighting, and Josh being in a full leg brace due to a sprained muscle on the side of his knee.  The poor guy has been training for a half marathon all summer long and then gets an injury that takes him out 3 weeks before the run.  He's frustrated by the whole situation and he has a right to feel that way. This may be God's way of telling him he needs to slow down.  Between working full time, going to school for his MBA program (thankfully done in December!), heading to all my appointments with me, and training for a half marathon on top of it all?  It's just too much!  I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished, and continues to accomplish.  Maybe 2012 will bring better luck for us hon! 

My first PET scan is scheduled for Tuesday morning, and I'm hoping and praying that there are significant changes from this scan and my original scan.  I have to tell myself that it's ok though if the changes are not significant as long as we're progressing in the right direction to avoid disappointment.  I won't get the results until Friday when I go in for my 5th round of chemo.  I think I'm going to be a nervous wreck! Every time I think about the appointment my heart starts to race, and my eyes well up with tears.  I can't help but be fearful, but I just need to focus on the positive - the heaviness in my left arm is gone and I've regained feeling in my fingertips, I can take deep breaths without feeling the need to cough, and just feel all around better than I have in quite some time.  This has to be a good sign, right??  Please say extra prayers for me this week!

4th round of chemo - Check!

Today was yet another successful chemo day, and I'm feeling good (outside of this cold)!  My chemo nurse Amy was back so it was nice catching up with her.  She sure was extra talkative today, but that's good!  It means she feels comfortable enough around us to share her life with us.  Each time we're there, I learn something new about her.

My mother-in-law, Sharon joined us this morning in all the fun that Hubert Humphrey has to offer.  Is it strange that I feel a sense of peace going to the cancer center?  It probably has to do with 1. how wonderful everyone is there.  Sharon got to see first hand how friendly they all are.  And 2. I associate this place with healing and getting better.  I put my health and trust in these people, knowing that I'm in good hands when I walk through the door.  I think it was nice for Sharon to be able to put faces with names of people I've been talking about up to this point like Amy and Dr. Londer.  I'm so glad she was able to join us today.  It may not be the first choice of fun places to hang out, but we had a good time, and shared some laughs over hot tea.  There may have been food involved along the way as well...=)  Thank you Sharon!  It means a lot that you were able to be with me today. 

The cookie guy didn't stop by this week.  It was the first time since my chemo has started that he hasn't stopped by.  I still don't know his real name, but apparently he's known as the cookie guy around the office so I guess that's what I'll continue referring to him as until I get a name.  Oh, who am I kidding?  The cookie guy is so catchy!  Even if I did find out what his real name is, he'll always be the cookie guy to me.  I learned something new about him today.  Apparently he was a patient himself at Hubert Humphrey.  It makes me wonder if while he was going through treatment, if there was someone who inspired him, someone who he referred to as the cookie guy or gal who touched his heart with their homemade treats ultimately giving him the idea of paying it forward someday.  The cookie guy has inspired us to follow in his footsteps once I come out on the other side.  Who knows? Maybe we'll end up inspiring someone else, who will turn around and inspire someone else to pay it forward. 

"Nothing is more powerful than an individual acting out of his conscience, thus helping to bring the collective conscience to life."  - Norman Cousins

Who's got the funk?

I've got the funk!  Yes...the sickness that has been spreading all over the office like wild fire.  Symptoms being: sore throat (probably due to the drainage in the back of my throat), and sinus pressure due to it being stuffed up (yet runny).  Lets not forget the crud in my throat.  It's lovely! I suppose it was really only a matter of time really.  Purell baths just weren't cutting it.  I called Kate (Dr. Londer's nurse) and told her about my symptoms in case they wanted me to come in and prescribe me antibiotics.  I don't have a fever (thankfully) so they didn't think it was necessary.  They just advised me to pick up some Sudafed and we'd touch base on Friday when I go in for chemo round #4. 

Can you believe I'm already a month and 1/2 in with chemo and getting ready for round 4? And with my hair still in tact (kind of).  I wonder if round 4 will take care of what hair I have left. If it does, it does. I know I asked the same thing about round 3, and round 3 did thin it out quite a bit, but you'd never know just by looking at me.  I had my wig appointment with DK International yesterday and they shaped up the one I purchased there along with a couple others I've either gotten at the American Cancer Society or from others.  I'm debating whether or not the one I purchased needs to be toned down a bit though.  It's quite blonde, and I'm not used to seeing my hair that blonde anymore.  It's the hair I've always wanted!  My aunt Kim sent me a couple that a friend of hers had when she had cancer (thanks Kim!) and I think I'll actually end up wearing the shorter one of the two.  The other one is going to my best girlfriend Sarah who says she's shaving her head.  Now how many girlfriends do you have that would actually shave their head for their friend?  This girl is amazing and I love her dearly!  I keep telling her it's not necessary, but she says it's something she's doing, so I think that's awesome.  You can still opt out Sarah!

Did you know there is actually a National Bald & Free Day that exists?  Yes, really.  This year it's on October 14th.  Check out this link - National Bald & Free Day   Josh and I have been playing around with the idea of having a head shaving party here.  Josh says, "as long as you're bald, I'm going to be bald".  What a guy huh?  Since there are others who are interested as well, why not make it an event and have fun with it?  Of course, shaving your head is not a prerequisite for coming to the event!  It's just more fun if you do ;)  Haven't you heard bald is the new blonde?  They have the most fun of all! 

Well...my prediction about my hair was correct.  Ever since the last round of chemo, my hair has started falling out at an accelerated rate.  I've noticed it start to thin out around my hairline especially, but the hair is falling out from all over my head causing me to clean out my hair brush on a daily basis.  My scalp has been really sore all over the past few days, and I've been told that when this happens, the hair tends to really start falling out.  This just stinks.

I still have a difficult time keeping my emotions in check when my hair is the topic of discussion, but I know it'll grow back when this is all said and done.  Like I've said before, losing my hair is all a part of this process of getting better.  I just don't like not having a say of whether or not I want to lose my hair.   In a way I'm looking forward to getting rid of the hair because right now it's just a constant reminder to me that I have cancer, and who wants that kind of reminder in their life?  Not me! I'm 27 for crying out loud!  I should be experiencing the joy of starting a family or taking a fun vacation with my husband; not battling cancer.  This may be the point in conversation where I'd say, "it's just not fair!" but I know that life isn't fair.  We're all fighting some sort of battle, and my battle is no more or less important than yours.  Things like this make us appreciate the good things in our life that much more, and gives us a new perspective.

I've been taking some long walks while it's still nice out, leaving my iPod at home so that I can really take in the beauty of what's around me - The sounds of people raking the fallen leaves or the laughter of children playing in them,  the crisp air in the morning and the sun's warmth on my face in the afternoon.  It's my time to clear my mind, to reflect on life, to speak to God, or all of the above.

When I go in for my forth round of chemo this Friday, we will schedule the PET scan which will give us a good indication of how well the chemo is working and if we're on the right track.  I feel pretty good these days, and pray this cancer is melting away!  The overwhelming amount of support and love you have all provided Josh and I is truly amazing and continues to give us strength and hope.  Even my Oncologist keeps telling me how good I look and that I'm really doing well throughout this whole process which is encouraging.  The side effects have been minimal from chemo and I've been able to continue a fairly normal work routine this whole time.  There are a lot of things I don't know, but what I do know is that this cancer chose to mess with the wrong woman!  I've got too much living yet to do in this world =)

3 rounds down...

Round 3 of chemo went well yesterday!  I was pretty tired afterwards so once I had a little lunch, it was nappy time!  Josh and I watched a little TV in bed, and it didn't take long for me to doze off into LaLa land.  I got in a good 3 hour nap which felt great!  When I woke up, I thought for a brief moment, maybe I'll go outside for a walk or run since it's so beautiful out, but decided I was hungry again so food took precedence (naturally!) =)  By the way...I'm now up 10 of those 14 lbs I lost. Darn it!  Maybe I should have opted for the workout.  I guess that just means that my elliptical and I will be spending more quality time together, along with my 8 Minute Abs/Arms/Buns/Legs DVDs from the 80's.  80's = Spandex.  Lots of Spandex!  I'm glad to know it's not a prerequisite for the DVD to work...or maybe it is and that's why my buns and abs don't look anything like this!  Oh well.  You win some, you lose some!

Amy, my chemo nurse, was on vacation this Friday so another nurse, Allie, was assisting us.  We got to talking and it turns out that she just recently moved from Maple Grove.  Not only Maple Grove, but the same townhouses that Josh and I currently live in.  Small world!  It's a shame we didn't meet each other before her and her hubby moved out.  I think we would have gotten along well, and made new friends.  I'm sure I'll see her around though on chemo Fridays, so that'll be nice.  Everyone at Hubert Humphrey is just so friendly and down to earth.  You can tell that they really enjoy working there, which makes the patients feel comfortable...or as comfortable as one person can be in this environment.

There is this cookie guy (still don't know his name) that comes around every other week and hands out fresh, homemade cookies to patients.  This is not helping me keep my weight down by the way, but I'm not one to turn down a free cookie...ever!  I think it's really neat that he takes the time out of his life to do this for us.  I'd love to follow in his footsteps when I'm cancer free and no longer coming to Hubert Humphrey.  It's all about paying it forward, and brightening up someone's day.  Some patients who are there for treatment are completely alone.  Now doesn't that break your heart?  I couldn't imagine going through this process by myself.  By bringing in goodies, it'd be my opportunity to create small talk, and if anything, make the time go by a little faster for them. 

The last two chemo Fridays, there have been a couple younger girls there.  One who appears to be around my age, and the other a high school student.  It makes me sick seeing someone who is in high school going through something like this.  As if high schoolers don't have enough going on in their lives, not saying the rest of us don't, but you remember high school.  It can be a rough go for some!  You're trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in to this world we live in, and to have to battle cancer on top of it?  No thank you!  At least I made it through all my schooling, settled down and got married to a wonderful man, and found an amazing job before my battle started.  It just makes me realized how blessed I really am, and that things can ALWAYS be worse.