Have you ever had the happiest news on one day, and the next was the lowest point and you could barely remember how you got by it?
I was one of the two recipients of a Global Award in Singapore, and one of two hundred worldwide, and the next day was my dad’s passing.
It’s been 7 days (Gregorian calendar) since he left.
No one was there to witness his last breath, which I continue to assume it was coz he loved us all too much to want us to see it. 3 days of difficulty in breathing (severe pneumonia) and he was gone - just like that. It was raining on the day he left, and I remembered googling what it meant when it rains when someone passed on while waiting for the bro to arrive and the reality of it to set in. It meant that the person who passed on is blessed and has ascended to the heavens.
So yes, my ‘urgent’ leave was compassionate leave. And I guess lao pa was ‘smart’ enough to time it on a Friday, leaving us the weekends and Mon and Tue to arrange for the send off. 😆
First experience for a lot of stuff, from arranging his funeral to the rites to making sure he has a place to ‘stay’ after the funeral, to managing my own emotions and even till today, trying to wait it out and tie up the loose ends of accounts and all.
I didn’t tell anyone except my Shifu who helped to spread the word but stopped short at sending the email out coz I just didn’t wanna handle that much stuff.
Thank you to those who came, those who stayed, those who took over my work duties, those who sent texts coz they couldn’t be here, those who were worried if I had enough to eat (I definitely did! 😊) and those who came for the last sent off into the ring of fire. ❤️
Pardon me if I didn’t wanna share any of these while I was still caught up that it had happened, and pardon me for the slow responses this week (till Sunday) as I find my own way to cope with what has happened. And pardon me when I don’t reply all the msgs/comments that may come in after.
It’s painful to see him reduced to a lesser man than who he used to be. And this pain started 3 years ago, after his fall, his dementia settling in, his stay in nursing home, the influenza A and the bouts of fever and hospital visits. I was prepared, and I was not.
But.
We don’t need sympathy or pity, coz he finally had a rest after working so hard for the families (his own and ours) for the past 50 odd years. In his last years, he spent most of his time not in pain, but just sleeping his days away, in what I deemed as catching up on his sleep that he missed during his youth. And I am thankful he’d left with little pain and much memories and love from the people around. ❤️
Allow me these next 3 days to do my last reflections (not grieving) and silence of what has happened and be ready to move on when the new week starts.
And with that, I thank you for reading till the end, and for the prayers and thoughts most of you would had have. ❤️
Damn shagged after 5 days and the couple of days before it started. Slept through at least 8 hours today before starting to settle some loose ends.
Thankful for those who came for the last rites and the 14 who accompanied on the last journey.
Mainly relatives who came, and my 2 birdies who came, especially coz *o was not able to, they were ‘activated’ to come instead. ❤️
Bills for the funeral was settled, now waiting for hospital bill and then I can tie up that loose end.
No wonder when people needs compassionate leave. I’m ok, but the loose ends are quite a bit.
And coz it a Friday when it happened, there was the weekend for people to come, and then my 5 days compassionate leave came into play. And then it’s the weekend again before back to work next Monday,
When you see for yourself of someone become a lesser person who they used to be, that probably hurts, but I’m just thankful it was short pain, no drag, and that he’s finally resting and at peace. Walking and being around people who loved him but long gone.
A quiet send off, but a lot of emotions inside.
Thinking about it made the tears roll down, but I’m happy he’s in a better place now, not gone, just unseen. ❤️
I’m probably ok, just sometimes emotional when I think about it though we were not that close, but yeah. I know he helped a lot of people in his lifetime, and I know they are grateful and all came to pay their respect. I also know many who don’t know about him, especially those from my workplace, but they still came. ❤️
It’s gonna be a long week, but yeah, will stay strong and look forward to the gatherings that were planned prior. Just needa stay occupied. ❤️🌈
Last night.. Second to last post.
Thought it to be a slow day without much activities. But turns out otherwise. Neighbours came. Friends who came again. Relatives who came and those who came again. ❤️
To Jessie and Da Ge. Uncle Lawrence. Chau. Mdm Soh. Mich and Ron. Leong Woon and Cat. ❤️
And of course *o who was there throughout the days. ❤️
Seeing the ashes rise up to the sky really brought those tears out. It’s like another step closer to accepting reality. And tmr will be the test - will I be able to hold it in, or will I crumble to the ground? 🤧
Thankful that my friends are not ‘pandang’. Coz I’m meeting my drinking kakis on Sat. ❤️
Second last night, an action packed day and a slow night for me.
Again grateful for all the friends who turned up, from sotong to Sharon Ng to Yi Hao to Cecilia to mum (again) to Sarah to Mo to *c to Fazly to Kenny to Ah Pang and of course the last person to come and chatted with me for like almost 4 hours - Phunphun. ❤️
And 2 person asked me the same question today ‘why didn’t you talk about your dad?’ 😂 ‘coz you never asked..’ 🤣
And had a long convo with Sharon that kind of made her realized a lot more things about me that she never knew and she sees me as an inspiration. 🤣 And upon reflecting, the one time she listens instead of talking. 😆
Grateful for cousin long not met and relatives who came, and neighbours and SIL family. ❤️
So am I strong coz the circumstances forces me to or coz I am? 🤔
Another day, another day to be thankful for.
For all the friends and family and ‘family’ who popped by. And of neighbours who we did not tell (like Carol auntie and fam. Telecom uncle. Testel uncle and wife. Uncle Steven and wife.) ❤️
Family of course are the aunties and uncles and cousins. And also cousins (Hui Sy. Xiuzhan. Cousin) who send their regards over the airwaves. ❤️
‘Family’ like mum and Diadia and Phun. Mr Wong and Ah Bee (who are damn crazy for that damn big ‘gift’ la! Hang die us! 😆) Chee Li. Sister. ❤️
All the friends like the birdies. Philip. Sohana. Mr Ting and wife. Angel. ❤️
Thank you for making your way down to the west. And for staying through and the company! And I give thanks to these people who stayed through my ups and downs coz they matter and they know I care! ❤️
I know there’s another few groups coming tmr (or rather later). So off I go for a few hours of zzzzz before another day begins! 🌈
Thank you for coming down #夜宵kaki. And to Sam and Sandy and Jill. And of course *o who happened to be on leave yest and ran it all with us. ❤️
I know from tmr onwards it’s gonna be crazy, and this time will be probably be the best time to reflect and type all these out.
Life is short, but at least there’s no pain.
🌧 They say when it rains when the deceased passes on, they are going to heavens. Well, they cried for you, and I’m happy you have people on the other side waiting for you. No pain, just carefree. 🌈
What’s on my mind recently?
Planning to pick up riding. 🤣
Just so when I can go back home, I can rent a bike and ride at my own time. And that I can be sure I won’t be falling like how I did the last time round! 🤣
But I’m not planning on getting the license, just wanna do the theory and practical and know how to ride can le.
Let me continue to think about it for a bit! 😂
At my least favourite place again. Just like 3 years ago. Sighz.
And when I was waiting, your post just popped up. About needing the ‘forget me state’. Exactly what I needed. Just wanna get drunk for a while and forget about all this.
And that’s the weird thing about me. I may seem ok on the outside or even carefree. But when I’m all alone now, I’m trying to find my coping mechanism. 😣
I know in real life, we will never be a couple, much less behave this way. And I guess this dream is just an indication of my feelings for you. It’s scary, but it’s amazing too. I’m thankful I even get to dream of you like this, and it was a beautiful dream that evoked such strong emotions in me. ❤️
To whoever you may be with, I hope our friendship stays, and that you’ll always be this happy and carefree. And in a silly way, I do love you. ❤️
That’s probably what hit me the hardest.
That at where I am today and where I will be in the future.
I lost a friend.
A friend who understands about the shit at work and let me rant when I need to.
Don’t get me wrong. Generally I do love what I’m doing despite all of it. But what literally killed me after the call was the fact that I have no friend at work that I can rant to anymore.
Or maybe it’s just coz I’m not reaching out.
