And learn to take a step back and be patient. It was a good week. To more good weeks ahead! =)

麻烦 fella. I asked to take selfie.. And he asked 'with me ah?' And then have to do 3 takes before he's happy with the results. Seriously! Hahaha. <3

Hahaha. It's so funny when coz of my post on the UW housing got her texting me last night and now about it. And that I shouldn't be impulsive.. And not spend so much in a housing that's gonna be more ex than the camera. Hahaha. <3

My happy 'family' from very diverse backgrounds.. <3 

It's tiring waking the next morning after a late night and long journey home from the east but it's all worth it. 

Worth spending time with people who makes me happy. Who doesn't judge. Who shares and cares. <3 

Looking forward to our next meetup. No matter how tough it is to plan. =)

Aiyoz.. 表错情. He was asking about mummy's reaction when I nua in bed till 6pm today. =P

And yes. I told him about the part about treating me. 

I guess some wounds have yet to heal. 

He is making me so confused! Arrghz! He shared about the talk - without prompting (\O.O/) and then he asked for a weekend date next week. And what was my mummy's reaction over the trip. Sighz. How am I supposed to cope with this? 

Yes or no? 

Dinner with the birdies last night as pre celebration for Sharon's birthday. =) 

... ... 

Anyways. I've thought things through. We'll just stay as friends. Nothing more. And I'll revert back to the old me. Food. Drinks. Travel. <3 

And I've downloaded back Tinder (again!) and started playing again. =P 

The one thing I don't like. Is when people asks if they can treat me for a meal. It makes me feel as if there's more that they want. If you want to treat just pay and refuse to take the money. Don't tell me you're treating. Period. 

... ... 

And I'm still in bed. =P

不会再给自己理由了. </3

Edited:

我也不打算跟你说我也没去了. I've changed the dates of my booking and the resort was cool with it. #wegosolo

I was right. He pulled out.

After thinking. No matter what happens. I'll still go. 

It's time to find back myself. 

And after this incident (if his decision is not to go). I may just totally choose to disappear from his life. There's too much ups and downs for me to handle. </3

But I guess my life doesn't just revolve around him. And I'm not the kind that says 'Coz you got me started.. You better clean up this mess.' 

I just have to live with it.

Most likely I'll give up my goal of doing 100 dives this year. </3

又是一种难以形容的痛. 

So not only did my mummy become suddenly unhappy that I'm heading out to Anilao. His parents are also unhappy now. 

Dilemma. Stay and we'll be unhappy. Go and we'll also be unhappy. 

Either he'll pull out (99% likely) and I'll go alone. Or we cancel the trip altogether and lose the airfare and 50% of the total payment. 

Sighz.

It's actually quite sad when families get broken up like this. That after all that's been through. Marriage no longer means 'till death do us part'. </3

A meet up with the complicated family. =P 

Finally ended 5 days of waking up at 5am and sleeping at 11pm. Flat out tired. 

Just glad it was time well spent with this group of people. That the RGMC brief went well today. That he texted me and shared something openly once more. It isn't that hard after all.. Izzit? 

Ok. Bed time! 

Super muddle headed and distracted today. Need to sit down properly tmr and think through and write down all my to do lists. They're all in a mess in my head right now. Damn. 

Super distracted by all the watsapp coming in. Took the wrong train.. But met Steward in the train! Hahaha. I was initially like 'so many seats why this person must sit next to me?!?' One stop only but it's good to see that some people just don't change. =) 

Mookata with him was good. I was laughing at him trying to cook his egg and in food coma. Hahaha. For someone who don't know how to cook and never had mookata before he was ok.. =P And conversation was just flowing while we ate. Not like the past where there were so many awkward silences. And he was open to all the questions. =) I guess he's really trying ba. 

And he really watch as I ate my mango sticky rice (coz there was no more red ruby again.. =/) 

We are really predictable. Me in terms of my food. He in terms of his schedule. Hahaha. Seems like we're stalking each other quite often. =P

And he tempted me with Raja Ampat! Probably not this year.. Next year ba! We'll see how it goes.. 

It feels good to be happy again. Even if it was just for a while. <3

女人就是犯贱的. 

Now he's reading me like how a 蛔虫 reads the tummy. O.o

And now he has to accommodate to my schedule. So we're meeting tmr for dinner and he'll be travelling over.. =P 

And the icing on the cake was that he openly shared what he was doing and his day without giving me the usual one word answer. 

Ah well. Time will tell. 

So randomly I was seeing photos of UW and I saw more nudis and it got me thinking. 

I've always wanted to see Shaun (above photo - credits to *bl).. Whose average size is 1cm long/big. And I saw it finally for myself in Tulamben. The families and communities of Shaun. =P Many many Shauns.. 

And then I met Donut (scientific name: Doto) whose average length/size was about 3cm. Met many many Donuts. With some bigger than the usual 3cm.. But still happy. =D Coz they fit well into my GoPro. 

And now that we're going to Anilao next month. I've another nudi in the list that I would love to meet - the blue shell snail. <3 Let's see how it goes! 

... ...

So he text me again first just now. And he was sharing some thoughts he had openly. Which is rare and I truly appreciate him for that. 

But he just broke down all the resolve I have about disappearing. We-ll. I'm still gonna be offline for a bit. But I'm just glad he bothered sharing and asking stuff. 

We'll see how it goes ba. 

Teh tarik from Moha Morgan (I think that's what I remember..) Mee jiam kueh from my usual stall.. 

Grateful to *w for introducing me to the world of teh/teh o/teh tarik/teh halia (but I still don't like teh halia =/). Sometimes thinking back I wonder how I survived without it. 

Mmmmz.. This teh tarik's not bad too.. But a little too hot. Kenna burnt le. Hahaha. =P 

FB and IG silence 1 full day and counting. Let me take this time to really think through what I want. If I want to continue wearing my heart on my sleeve. 

I realized I'm very stubborn about certain things. When I say that I already don't like the smell of durians and you want to eat them. By all means. Then I'll just do my work and go sleep earlier. Then you just have to try that guilt response on me. Doesn't work that way. 

And then the Hantu kakis and I are planning a 4 dives next month. But I refuse to tell him. Let Kat tell him if she wants. As far as I'm concerned. As long things between us are not clear cut. I refuse to speak to him. 痛就痛. 

I redownloaded Tinder and I realized *a actually left me 2 messages. Then I deleted and reinstall back and all are gone. Oh well. I'm sure it's not meant to be after all. But I did tell *bl I redownloaded Tinder. 

算你有一点良心. 

But I know that's as far as it goes. </3 

我决定放弃了. 

Why should I always be the one with the initiative? I'm human too. I'm also afraid of rejection. Of feeling worthless. 

So what if you gave me the choice of Thu or Fri to choose from? You're usually tired out by then. And then you tell me weekends. Your weekends were never meant for me. And it'll just mean that you'll squeeze out an hour or two and then you'll have to rush off somewhere. 

还没在一起就累了. 

I'm not gonna ask anymore. Not gonna text anymore. Not gonna be on fb for a while either. If I can.. I may just deactivate my account all together. 

Then that's really when you'll lose me as a friend even. </3

O.O 

Almost got knocked down by a car. Best part? The green man was on and not even blinking. The green light for traffic was also still on. 

Now I'm wondering if it's my fault or the car's. 

I slowed down just before starting to cross. And not even looking at my phone. And the car just zoomed past me like that without slowing down at the turn (well.. At least that's what I feel coz the whole car was swerving to one side.. Like if I didn't brake or slow down and made that turn - if I'm the driver). 

Hmmmz.. No wonder I read somewhere this year's gonna be a year of accidents for my zodiac sign. Better be even more extra careful le.. 

So many dreams in a short sleeping time. O.o And I woke up much earlier than my alarm thinking I'm late for work. O.o What a start to the week! 

Yepz! But today's a ok day.. Texted a bit in the morning and then each to our own. 

Re-reading the log brings back much memories.. Nothing that stands out. But easy reading. =) 

I was asked why I dive this afternoon.. It took me sometime to think and reply the person. For selfish reasons.. I started diving coz I wanted to get away from my phone. It's easier to be doing something that requires the phone to be safely kept away or else it'll 'drown and die' than to just not look at it. But after that it was the beauty of the underwater world which kept me going back.. And in a way it gave me that space I needed to think and let my thoughts run wild yet no need to think about anything that'll complicate life further and I need not depend on my #alcoholdiet either. Would love to get back to the water soon... ... #metime #private #divingaddiction #throwback #wonderfulindonesia #tulamben #tulambenwreckdivers #nofilter #gopro #moleonthetoe

I miss the old me. Without the string of attachment to a neither-here-nor-there relationship. 

So I replied him very honestly and a super long msg telling him how I felt. He replied. And till now it's been 21/2 hours and I've finished my 2 bottles and in bed now. A little drowsy on the bus back. But I don't care. 

Inside is hurting much much more. To my '1/2' sibling.. Thank you for that touching text. I hope I'll be fine too. <3 

And every time it has to end with mixed feelings. 

First he brought a female colleague along (who's actually very nice.. Was chatting much with her). Then Arthur told her (while I was beside) who's his ex and to be careful. And I was introduced as a friend. Which I'm fine. And he was gonna hang out longer at the shop and the 2 of us left. A little bit taken aback from both of us. But then it's nothing new.. Come to think about it. 

So I'm not sure what hurts more or what's hurting me. That it seems like we're back to being friends only when we meet. Or that I know who his ex is now. Or that I'm introduced as just a friend. 

I don't know what I want from him or myself anymore. 

Time for disappearing act. 

PS. It hurts. 

Edited: 

And it makes me feel as though I'm using him coz I wanted to buy my gloves and ask about the rescue course. But I'm not. I wanted to be able to spend time with him. To talk and hang out with him. But I spoke more to Carmen than him. Well done. 

Yest was one of the best night's sleep I've had this year. Dreamless. Painless and void of emotions. 

He said 2 things which the tarot reader told me too. 

I take too much things upon myself. That it's easy to be there for people who needs me and easy for me to advise. But when it comes to myself. It's not easy for me to heed the advice of others. In another way. What I preach and do are different. 

Ah well. 

One step at a time ba. Not looking forward to the weekends. Too much free time. 

So I opened the floodgates and he was there. Even though tmr's an early start coz it's first day of school. 

Thank you for being there. <3

First movie of the year. And alone. Probably a sign that there'll more solo movie time to come. </3

When I saw the trailer for The Danish Girl I already set my mind to watch it. 

It's been quite some time since I last caught an art house film and this was good. Good coz I went in without really knowing what's the story about. It was painful. Slightly disturbing. Sad. And it left me feeling slightly confused but got me thinking. 

Now very lost. Need some time to 平复 my 心情. 

Got a slight shock yest.. His instructor added me on fb. I didn't accept.. Sent the screenshot over this morning and his response was 'Heh?' 

Don't know.. Just not comfortable with his instructor. Especially after what I heard about him. Let's see how Sat goes before I decide to continue to ignore or accept.. 

Randomly. 

It's amazing how one small little heart has so much love to share yet bear so much pain at the same time. 

Thankful to an ex RGM I worked with - he texted me to thank me for being his boss and for working together just before he resigned. And we've stopped working with each other for almost 11/2 years ago. 

Thankful for the sister who trusted me with her secret and allowed me to be there for her. 

Thankful for an ex RGM of mine who trusted me enough to be her emotion and moral support. And for pouring her heart out. For allowing me to show her that little light that's still in her life. 

Thankful for him. For allowing me to be there while he tried to open up and share whatever he's thinking and his past. 

I'm just glad I made that difference in all your lives. 

PS. We didn't text again yest. But I guess we're both clear. That we both don't like the clingy type and we've both got stuff to do. Probably it'll do us good ba. 

Never thought I'll say this.. But I miss my childhood days growing up in the wet market. </3 

Was having breakfast facing the wet market just a while ago and seeing the meat and fruits stall next to each other got me thinking back on my much younger days. Those days where I roam freely around the area and tried to be helpful. Where everyone knows everyone's kids and we all run around each other's parents' stalls watching them work intently. 

I guess this's another part of my growing up/past that I've never really shared. Probably only *y and *o knows about it. *o more than *y coz somehow we were talking about the growing up years when we were in HCMH and it just came out. <3

Mum was heading over to neighbors' place to pass them some stuff while I'm sitting by the door doing work.. 

Mum: 我没锁门哦.. 

Me: 等一下我被拐走怎么办??

Mum: 没有人要你的啦! *said nonchalantly*

Me: *jaw dropz max* O.O

I left a part out.. 

Me: 你哪里可以这样讲?

Mum: 哈哈哈! 有啦.. 你不是有人要了吗?

Me: 哪里有? 谁??

What makes her think we're together? And another friend's comment was funny. He thought I had a bf. I don't. 

We're just friends/dating. Period. How long it'll last? No idea. Sighz. 

Work does keep me preoccupied to think too much. Good thing. Peaceful sleep without tears last night. Hope this trend continues. Meeting 2 of fav people tmr for mookata! Mum and chili! <3

Even more confused. Asked me if I'm free this Sat afternoon. Which I am after my Zumba. So he say he sent the invite to me on fb. It's for Red Scuba's 8th anniversary gathering. O.o told him i don't know anyone from there go for what.. Then he told me he. Bok and Venus are going lo.. After that can do shopping with me. lll-.- tsk tsk tsk. Totally confused even further. 

Told him I'm heading up Malacca on the long weekend in May. If he's still keen. He tell me maybe.. But too early to know now.. lll-.- why couldn't he say no?? 

Sighz. 

Totally. On the way to work now.. Waiting for the elusive 67.. 

I'm not dreading work. Neither am I looking forward. Maybe I just want more time to be able to wallow in my own emo-ness. =/ 

I just hope I don't cry myself to sleep again tonight. It's tiring. </3

3rd night in a row.. I've no idea how long more I can take it.. </3

This is crazy. 

It wasn't an outright no.. But it wasn't a very promising yes either. 

Life still has to go on. </3

I didn't text him. He text me instead. Sighz.. I really don't know where this is heading anymore. Never been so confused and lost before. </3

Slept much better through the night yest after the msgs from him. Even though still full of dreams.. But at least I didn't wake up halfway. 

Slightly teary when I woke up this morning at 6.30am automatically. But still ok. 

I can do this! Not text him till late tonight! 

It's been years since I'm feeling like this. This is crazy. </3

I kidded myself. Told myself that after that post I'll be ok. His msg came in almost immediately after my post. And I just broke down all over again. </3

The conversations we had during the last 5 days of our trip kept replaying in my mind. And it's become a determination on my part to stop myself from doing it. 

Even though I was the one who said I wanted to confuse him further. Now he's further confused but so am I. And it's not helping the situation at all. 

There is/was never an us. It was all just dating. Where do we want it to lead? We're both as lost as it is. We're more than friends but less than lovers. But at times more than that too. 

If only we had one more week to sort things out. To not return to reality and work. </3 

Lying in bed and thinking about us. </3

This is super bad withdrawal symptoms which I've never really encountered before. 

Cried myself to sleep yesterday night. Woke up with tears rolling down this morning. And now back in bed and tears are rolling down again. </3 

Where's my coping mechanism? =/

有. 

But dead asleep to all the flashes and banging of the homemade fireworks. When he woke up in the morning I asked if he was aware of it. He said no. O.O

36 days more to our next trip. And probably the next meetup too. </3

Из-за любви так больно.

因为爱 所以痛. </3

You know you're going crazy when you wake up missing him and Shaun. 

All checked. 

And I'm missing him. This is screwing me up. </3

Happy 2016! 

It's been a crazy 2 weeks of diving and what he calls 'multi-stop tripping'. I've reached my 100th dive yesterday morning.. Last dive of 2015 and with him no less. =) 

We were nua-ing in bed from 8pm and I think we got sleepy at like 10pm and knocked off to sounds of homemade fireworks being let out. Woke up at 12am by the flashes and banging of the fireworks. Took some quick videos and photos and am back in bed while the dead human is still dead to the world and is sleeping through it. Just like what happened on the LOB. 

In 2015 I've changed roles and report to a different boss in a new department. I've quit Tinder and what's-not and joined the meetup groups of diving and floorball. I've met many new people (whom many have become friends and buddies) and if I think back about I've achieved? 

I'm proud to say in 2015 I've finally moved on from *her and *w. I've had better quality of life (balanced up with more time for the people who matters to me). I've also met him (which still leaves us as 2 confused kids into 2016). And I guess being able to meet my 100th dive milestone was the one thing I wanted to achieve this year. 

New year resolutions? 

Maintain that same amount of time spent I have for each person who matters to me. Drink less. Travel/dive more (which is already happening).. And just be happy. Happy in doing my job. Happy in doing things I love. <3 

Thankful that I could spend Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve 'counting down' with him. And also the coming Chinese New Year Eve. And all actual day spent with him too. Here's to more diving!

新的一年. 新的希望! <3