I'll rather have a stomach that keeps churning than feeling nauseous. 

Been a bad 2 days. Down with throat inflammation and the onset of flu (oh no!) and soft bones. Ahhhh... 

2015 isn't quite my year with all the visits to the doc. I just hope 2016 will be better! 

PS. Finally done with all my work for 2015 and gonna rest a bit before packing for my 2 weeks diving trip! =D

Thankful that I finally (kinda) let out how I felt. And it was to someone not within the system. I'm just glad he bothered to ask and listen. <3

Will still take time to get over it and move on. But that's just life. People change. Life still goes on. 

Now I come home it's still bright.. But have been doing at home since Monday night and it's tiring me out. Pulling wrong numbers.. Overlooking certain details. =( another 7 working days to go.. And all still need to wake up at 5am to get ready for work. Sighz. I've been falling asleep in the bus the past 2 evenings on the way back home. =( 

好久没那么累了. 

Doing that Bali recee was enough to kill. Couple it with ACTA and RGMC meeting and SMX class and SSP system and preparing for tmr's travel. It's hell and back. And after travel tmr's RLP prep.. And on Sunday too.. And RLP for 5 days. And Monday choreographing the dance steps for store brief. Siong ah! 

Only meeting the birdies on Sat for lunch. And then I'm gonna be a good girl and head home to hibernate till Sunday evening. Sighz. 

I've neglected my bed very much.. 

I still <3 my super bikes! Today's such a productive day! Cleared quite a bit of my to do list and ad hoc stuff. And now suddenly in the mood to throw out things! =P 

Ah well! It's getting late. Good nightz! 

Randomly. 

I took 7 years to get over *her. 

7 years to get over *w.

没有安全感的我. =/

Laksa. Korean BBQ at Manbok. Good Japanese food. Sashimi. Steak. Pizza. Drinks. 

I want my good food. =(

Officially last day of work for him. Cleared the medical checkup for me! Counting down to clearing my ACTA CU4A assessment later.. And then 2 more FA 1 more CU and I clear my ACTA 4! 4 days of Bali recee to go.. One more CYT TTT.. Last RLP.. 1 week to clear my balance work.. And it's 2 weeks of diving back to back with him! =D 

Our #weekdate #moviedate . =) And he really did pay for dinner.. So I paid for the movie. And he sent me back even though I said I can take bus. =) 

And there's that other side of him that I see for the first time ever. And I'm glad I did. No. It didn't turned me off. It just made me happy that at least he's finally sharing something more personal. I just wish I could have been able to advise him better. </3

Exactly 1 year ago I got my Nitrox certification and was diving with the guys in Batangas. 

Exactly 30 days later I'll be diving again. This time in Tulamben with *bl. 

 

Exactly 5 years ago I was in the midst of my last relationship and *x commented on my post. 

So there was the suicide bombers at Paris which killed 129 people so far. And then the very next day it's all over fb and people were changing their profile pictures to the filters of the French's national flag. Posts were uploaded sharing (and some condemning) about Muslims and ISIS. Landmarks around the world were seen to change their lights to the flag of France as well to show their respect. 

I just find it so hypocritical. 

For the civilians and innocent who died in Afghanistan. In Beirut. In Iraq. In Palestine. In Syria. There was no coverage in the news. Does that mean they're only worthy to be dead? Or just coz they're Muslims? 

And France is in the news just coz they're Whites? More superior? Or coz they used to be a power nation? 

It's not a fight against religion. It's a fight against humanity. 

Think back of the years where many died fighting for their land. Their beliefs. And there was no involvement of religion and faith. 

Agent Orange. The 'peacekeeping' troops in Iraq. Fights in Afghanistan. Russian empire. Mongolia and China. Monks who set themselves on fire. The house arrest of Aung Suun Su Kyi. Genocide in Cambodia. Holocaust. And more recently the refugees.

Countries that are torn apart from within. Countries invaded and then torn apart by the invaders. 

For all those who died or are deformed. Who cared for those people? Where's the 'publicity' for those events? 

No one bothered. There were only selected write ups and reports available. In this so-called 'freedom of speech' world. Where IS all the freedom? Where is the awareness of such events and the need to show our mark of respect maybe say on each of the anniversary? 

Religion my ass. Tell me more about humanity! 

Sinusitis is a silent killer. Not only do I feel the pain in the cavities around my right eye. The antibiotic forbids me to drink milk or take fish. The phlegm is killing me slowly with each cough I take. I also just puked out my dinner. And I'm all alone in this fight. ="(

Yest was a super cocked up day. 

Today's slightly better. 

So. I'm not going Melbourne le. Gonna go dive at the mecca of all dive sites! Something that'll definitely make me happy. =) 

And I think he's really different. More open.. Speech and behavior also. And so we're meeting next Thursday and he tell me he's treating. O.O 

Hates going to see doc alone. Gonna do that tmr though if I'm to get well before the medical and the holiday next month. 

就真的好累好累 

别再让我做选择了

因为后果不会是你们想要的

但我不甘心就这样对不起自己

让自己难过

后悔一生

I guess my mind is made up already. 

就让我做回我自己

过我一直都在过的生活

The more we start discussing.. The more reluctant I am to go Melbourne with the birdies. Simple reason. The things we want to see are so different. Then what's the point of flying over together but doing different things? I'd rather not compromise and do something I'll enjoy more. Even if it means it's gonna be on my own. 

Sighz.

We'll see how the discussion this Sat turns out. Most likely I'll not go le. Coz I don't see the point. And the more we discuss the more 反感 I get. 

And this is exactly the reason why I don't have much travel kakis. Coz I'm a picker and I only enjoy traveling with people who fits my style. I don't like to tweak to fit others. I am selfish that way. 

But what the birdie said is true. I've too much make friends around me that may make him uncomfortable. But too bad. I'm 豪爽 in that way. They're all my buddies. 

Coz he wants to go Malacca with me one weekend. And we're planning to hit Hanoi too. But not sure if he's my travel kaki kind. We'll see after this year end's 2 weeks' trip. 

36 more days to Komodo and Tulamben!

When you're still feeling sick and tired and you just wish for that someone to be there. </3

<3 Our first selfie.. And using a GoPro no less! =D 

There's a difference today.. Not sure is it after that conversation that day.. Or...? 

These people (and Orange) are the reason why I enjoyed my Malacca trip this time round. It's not coz of the people I came up with. Sadly.

And my travel style is so much clearer le.. I really enjoy my own kind of cafes. Walking around. No shopping. No need to use fan la.. Umbrella la. Like a local. So yeah. This trip is considered too attas for me. I still love my Airbnb.. <3

'为了这一次的旅行. 感激有你们的帮助! 

Orange.. 谢谢你的咖啡和 awesome 的cheesecakes.. 忘了和你selfie.. 但希望会得空去JB找你! 

Gus.. Thank you so much for the recommendations and I'm glad wherever you brought us to on the last 3 trips I was here stayed in my head! Even though I wasn't a guest this time round.. Thank you for welcoming me as a friend and for the rice wine! I'll definitely let you know again about the Bali stuff!

Donny.. 谢谢你的'优待'! 还有宵夜.. 还得送我回来.. 我会记得你的那一句'改次不要生病来哦..' 因为不醉不归啊! 等你来新加坡咯! 要回来找Gus的时候一定也算你一份!' 

Really love these people.. <3

Just posted this and he almost immediately text me. 

Seriously hate being sick coz it makes me feel so emo-y and craving for love and attention. And I know I was kinda throwing tantrum today. Coz of the skating thing. And that I'm sick. And then of the fact I think he forgot I'm leaving for Malacca tmr. I told him he's a 没心的家伙. Hrmphz. 

I think he wanted to say more things but got scared and not sure how to say it. So he just left it as it is. Idiot. Blearghz. 

But at least he knows the 'you' in the quote was referring to him. 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kencana-putri/2014/07/when-the-one-you-let-go-was-the-one/

The one that did all those and popped into my head was not the one I loved the most. </3 

'We are all damaged goods. But that doesn't mean you'll never be able to find someone who'll embrace and love you for who you are despite your flaws and past. And who's willing to wait for you. Indefinitely.' - Yix

And you've to come tonight. Of all nights. Why can't you come tmr night instead? 

At the rate this is going. I'm going to find alternatives. 

Dear period. Do let me know if you'll prefer a menstral cup or a tampon or back to the same old pill. You've exactly one month to think about it. 

'女身啊, 就是很难捉摸的. 我们说没事, 就是有事! 没关系, 就是有关系!' 

'当我们说, 玩的开心点, 就是说, 为什么没叫我一起去! 不要想我, 就是希望你会说声, 但我会想你啊!' 

Sighz. I hope he reads between the lines. 

Like he says.. I'm his poison.. And this is mine. =P 

Standby dive light bought. With the capability of wide angle shoots and good for my macro photos! Coz of all the 'nagging' from him and Tracy that day while Fel and I were staring and laughing in shock! Hahaha.

And my backscatter's getting a one-for-one replacement tmr!! Awesomeness to the max!! 

Bo bian la.. Coz I wanna test it out on 1st at Hantu.. And 10th if we're going. And of course in preparation for the Dec 2 weeks trip. I'm not gonna do anything I'll regret (eg. Not having enough light.. Taking bad photos.. Etc). So yeah.. =P

An expensive hobby but very much worthwhile! <3

Whee!!!! Confirmed le. We're gonna spend Xmas and New Year and CNY together! =D and not in town!! Diving diving diving!! 

Flights booked. Resorts booked. Ready to go! 57 more days and 106 more days! I think we'll get sick of each other after 2 weeks together in the same room. =P just that he can't get on the same flight back as me. So yeah.. =/

100th dive will be with him no less! Celebrations!! 

路是自己走出来的. <3 

Our usual weekdate. This time for a marine talk and then to McDonald's for dinner. lll-.- coz that's the only place open till late.. And he apologized lo. Hahaha. 

So in the end he's gonna do the 2 weeks in Komodo and Tulamben with me. And then my first overseas dive trip in 2016 will be with him too. =P 

Which also means I've to sleep in the same room as him for almost 21/2 weeks in all. So I asked him just now if we're going to share the same room in the LOB together. He said ok.. Unless I'm not comfortable with it then we'll find another way. And the hotel in Bali for a night we're sharing.. And the beach villa in Tulamben.. And the trip in 2016.

57 days to Bali/Komodo/Tulamben and 106 days to 2016 dive trip! 

So I mistaken that he got another friend going Komodo with us. =P 

And most likely he'll do Komodo and Tulamben with us. And then mummy approved of the CNY plan!!!!!! 

So we're going Anilao again! But staying at Planet Dive. Hahaha.. See what's the discussion like tmr. If all goes well.. We'll book it le. If not.. I'll still go on my own! But then I'll stay at Portulano! =D 

And then year end doing the 2 weeks' trek up ABC in Nepal with the Hantu kakis and a colleague! =D 

老人家真的是老人家. 太想我了. =P

A crush is so different from a like. <3

I know the crush is impossible. While he just msged me about an hour ago to share something with me. <3

Friendship is so much more than regular meet ups. It's about picking off right where you last left it. And these are my drinking kakis.. Minus one.. Coz he was suspected of having shingles. =/ 

And the most memorable moment? When they were talking about 'blow' jobs and I laughed so hard and my phone slipped and cracked the tempered glass protector. =P 

It was an awesome session even though it was just 4 hours. 5 liters of lager. 5 tasting shots and a free half pint. And it's tons of food! 

Super thankful to have such drinking kakis! <3

Did 2 night dives with *bl and friends on Sat. After zumba with the birdies. Good dives and I felt happy. It's what I enjoy doing. Maybe it's the people I was with. Maybe it's coz I just enjoy diving. 

So he's in reservist for the last week and this week. And he said this week he'll busy till Thurs so we're not texting.. But we did text yest la. 

... ... 

Work this week has been enjoyable. Maybe coz of the relationship with *o ba. Especially after HCMC. =) 

... ...

Currently looking forward to Thursday with all my drinking kakis. <3

... ... 

And stuck in a dilemma. 

I'm really not keen to meet her on 24th. Zumba with the birdies is ok. I really don't mind going for night dives again. It's just like this Sunday. It's a little dilemma. I'm coming back from Batam in the afternoon and supposedly heading straight to meet Kat and gang. But there's also night dives in that same day that got the 2 of us gian. But we'll see.. And there's also floorball.. Which I rejected again. So it's 2 weeks in a row le. But coz this Sat I'm playing paintball.. Not sure if I can tahan on Sunday.

Anyways my dilemma for 24th still stays. Thinking if I should talk to the birdies about it. 

Sighz.

3 months. 

And we didn't text at all today.

Went out for lunch yest. And 2 hours sitting at Sogurt while reading our own books. 

Today's day 1 of reservist.. And he texted. =) Saying he got talked into diving over the 30th Oct weekend. Sometimes I feel I'm supposed to read between the lines lo. But I guess I can't be bothered this time round since he's indecisive about it. Yest night almost quarrelled over the night dive vs the da:ans festival. >=| Maybe I should just be mean and not meet him during that last week of Oct. coz Mon and Tue he has class. Wed and Fri I end work late. Do I really wanna meet him on that only Thu? Hmmmz.

For 2 weeks. I was based in Ho Chi Ming City for work with my Shifu. It was more tiring than working back home.. But nonetheless it was a good experience and exposure and I enjoyed every second of it. 

Yest and today was the craziest moments of all. Eating with the class. Drinking and pubbing with them after. Yes I puked like thrice and I only had beers.. Probably 3 bottles and 1 tower or so. =P 

Today was with 3 of the girls for lunch and coffee. And some of the ASM students came and sent us off at the airport. It was just 5 mins that we had we them but we were totally rendered speechless. 

The memories. The hospitality. The friendships we started. I'll always remember them for a long long time... <3

To spend time with him or floorball. Wait a minute. How is that even a dilemma? 

... ... 

But coz he seems to have forgotten the da:ans festival next month (especially on Sat) that he was supposed to go with me and now he's doing a night dive on that Sat. So I guess it's back to me myself and I. =(

Met *h for an impromtu quick lunch catch up. Been months since we caught up. Missed him much. </3

Dinner was with him. And surprisingly.. We had 18 Chefs and we chatted for like 21/2 hours straight. More of our recent dive trips. Then books and movies and drama series. And then we're both going Komodo.. And he MIGHT just join me for Tulamben. =D Coz school reopens on 8th.. We'll be back on 1st. =D 

And we're planning for another couple of Hantu days too. Miss diving with him. Even though I kept losing him. But it's practice for other dives. XP 

And he's really so much taller than me la. I feel like a shortie. =/ It was out of the blue and in public.. But I'm surprised he responded. <3 

Was washing my gear when I got back on Tues morning. And while it was out hanging to dry.. I just had to comment that next time I'll need a room to wash. Dry and store my gear. And mummy had to say 'Yarz.. Next time you 2 can share that room with all these stuff you're buying..' O.o 

What makes her so sure I'll end up with him? And I told her that we're nothing as of now. She just laughed me off. So rude! =/

Back from the land of island speed wifi! Out with the birdies this afternoon/evening. <3 

Randomly. I think it's better to continue to do my planning alone. As in trips-wise. Another solo dive trip coming up after Komodo! =) Happy? Ok la.. Maybe a little disappointed that he's not that keen in going to Tulamben. Ah well.

In the end we're still gonna meet one more time before my 2 weeks out of town for work this time. Which is tmr. Tmr as in Thursday. This time near my place instead. I've a feeling it's gonna be bad news. Maybe like 'We should stop meeting.' 'This's not going anywhere.' 'We shouldn't be doing this anymore coz...' Then he can make sure I'm safely home before he leaves. For good. 

Oh well. Me and my wild imagination. 

Dive gear - checked. Backpack - checked. Super duper looking forward to Sat afternoon!! Diving!! 

And he texted me just now. So sweet! 110 marks for effort! =D

Dec trip booked. He'll think about Komodo but most likely will just do that and head back to Singapore. 

He's off to Brunei le till Sunday while it's Perhentian for me till Tuesday morning. Next week 99% not meeting and it's off to Vietnam for 2 weeks. 

And I guess karma's really a bitch. 

以前是别人等我. 现在好像是换我等人了. But do I really want to wait? Coz I don't know how long it'll take..........

My buyings today! And he's back! =) And he regretted not giving me more advice before I went shopping today. =P Looking forward to meeting him tmr. Even though it's just for 2 hours or so. <3

He's off yest for his LOB again. =) on Wed he text and asked to meet on Mon before we go on our separate trips. Hahaha. A couple of changes along the way coz he mixed up some dates. But ah well. If others put in the effort to accommodate and plan for it. I can only say yes right? =P So we'll be meeting for a quick lunch on Monday in the end. Perhaps we both know it's gonna be hell for the last 2 weeks of Sept coz I'm outta town. We'll see how it goes... ...

If this's a relationship.. Then I'm happy it's this way. Coz I've time to meet my friends and do the stuff I love - sleep. Floorball. Read. Laze around.. =)

Another short dinner plus movie. Coz my turn to be working on a Sunday. And it's gonna be a little challenge for me ba. Coz it's gonna be a full month before we meet again. Sept is a crazy month for both of us. Ah well. Like what he said. Absence will make the next meet up sweeter. =P I still can't believe he said that. Hahaha. I guess he controls his emotions better than me. But he promised to go dancing with me over the weekends during his reservist. Yeahs! =D

从开始到现在. 这是第一次. How do I feel? I'm living my life as before when I'm single. 

How do I feel? A little disoriented. But I guess I was already expecting it.

Our slightly more than usual random conversation today. =) 

So Bali's on.. And he's gonna see how he can coordinate with his friends too. But also maybe not.. Coz if we're heading to Coron after. Then we'll be leaving when his friends go. And Kat's staying at the place he has in mind. Hahaha. Which is what I saw and interest me also. Oops! 

I'm still learning to breathe. 

Today has been hell. One day AFM down. One more to go! 

Hahaha. Yest I sent him this. Then he asked if I've booked the tix already. 

Seriously. Sometimes I think I really don't know how to slow down and take a step back. Like what mum said.. I'm still a child at heart <3 while he's so calm. Take for example The Night Festival. Maybe there's a reason why I met him after all. =P 

Let's see if he's able to 'tame' me. =D 

七夕情人节快乐! 

He text me first today. Hahaha. I took super long to reply coz I was in class. 

And so we may be going to Bali before Coron. Then over dinner I heard about the Bali breakup myth. So I got a little worried. But he's not superstitious and there are instances where the myth doesn't seem to be true. Then I won't say and just keep quiet and not let it affect me ba. =) 

And coz we'll have to travel out of Ubud. Then bike is the only option. He says he can ride but don't dare to pillion. Hahaha. Ah well. I'll probably have to ride my own ba. And 'earn' more scars! XD

All just sayings. Let's see if we do book the tix ba. 

Looking forward to tomorrow coz we're finally meeting and we're catching a movie! *beamz*

Even the silence is comfortable. Went to do a little shopping in preparation for my year end dive trips and also anymore Hantu trips where I may lose him down there again. =P or if I'm gonna go diving alone. =D 

And was keeping my gear just now when the mummy say next time when we get our house we can dedicate a room to our gears. I told her that's only if I really do get married to him. Or another avid diver. And I'll start buying more gear. =P if not.. Not possible lo. 

Weirdly. She hasn't spoken much to him before yet she thinks we'll end up together. And she's said 3 times since she knows his existence that the main point is that we're comfortable with each other. She has NO idea. =P

Ok.. Another early night then. TatA!

Was talking to mummy yest night. And she said my life's happening right now coz I'm going out for movies.. Dinner and work. But I know she was hinting about me spending time with him. 

Then I just say this's my normal life.. And that when we meet we usually talk about diving or a little about traveling or books. Coz those are common topics. And that he's usually the quiet one. A little like dad. Whether this'll sustain a not I'm not sure. So it's one step at a time.

Now that I think about it. My past relationships worked the same way. Only one common topic. And that was work. lll-.- so now coz this's not about work anymore but there's still common topics. We'll see. 

But scary part is how comfortable and routine the whole thing seems. It's a little unnerving. Not fast and furious kind. But just comfortable ba. 

And my promise to myself for these 2 days. I'm not gonna text him first till he text me and I've to reply. I've to stop putting so much feelings into us right now. Especially when I don't know where we're heading. 

So we spoke about it yest in the car. And I've done the cancellation today. Feel so much more relieved surprisingly. 

One of my fav dive photos from yest. Of humans that is. =) Love this bunch of people.. But missing Tracy! If Coron does come true end of Dec.. We're most likely going! =D 

And this time round I'm gonna hold back texting le ba. And also for Wed dinner. Now I'm sleepy. Time for bed. Nightz world. 

'Oh so sweet of them!' He said.. Hahaha.. He took a brochure yest and passed it to me today. Then the bro came back with 2 of the same thing and said it was for us. =P Thanks to Ah Mei also otherwise my bro also wouldn't have taken them. =) 

Had good dives today. Ended up with some cuts on the back of my hands - no idea how those happened. And I lost him again on the first dive. Ah well. =P this time no panic nothing. I continued.. He resurfaced to look for me and then went back down. Hahaha. Oops! 

This coming week's gonna be busy. FET class. So we're only gonna meet on Friday. For movie! And Night Festival! And can stay out late coz next day his dive is night dive. <3 

After doing some more research on places to in NYC. The more I think about it. The more I don't feel like going. Coz ultimately I wanted to go was coz I wanted closure to that chapter of my life. Now I know I don't need it coz it's already closed. 

So I posted that I called and asked about flight cancellation and he immediately texted me and asked why.

Yest he emo. Today seems to be my turn. And for no reason. 

Diving tmr with him. =)