http://thoughtcatalog.com/isabel-hershko/2014/03/this-is-what-happens-when-you-love-someone-who-has-built-up-walls/

This read is familiar. And heart break at its best. 

I once met someone who told me about the walls I've built without me realizing it. And the effort this person took to break it down. 

I guess the first time I entered a relationship. Like many others. It was one of innocence and naviety. I was straight forward and blunt and tried hard to give in and please. As I moved and grew in my years. I realized juz how much I've lost myself to people I've decided to trust my life and happiness to. 

He gave me a good wake up call. In the middle of the night at cck park. Coz we had an argument over someone else and then I started tearing. 

It's memories thrown back in my face. And that was the night I started to break the walls down as I opened up more. 

I built these walls around me coz I was selfish and didn't wanna get hurt. I don't want people to know me as who I am. Who I was. Yet he did. Underneath all the facade. I was juz a simple girl who wanted nothing more than to be with someone who genuinely cared. 

There was something about him that made me trust him. To allow him to knock down the cement. For him to enter. 

And perhaps that's the reason out of the few relationships and non-relationships. His departure was the one that hurt the most. Coz he's seen me at my most vulnerable yet accepted me wholly as who I am. And the only one who has crossed those walls. 

No. I'm not regretting tearing down the walls. Coz I've learnt. Learnt that coz of him I need to find myself before I can give my heart to someone else. Learnt that my own happiness is greater than those around me. And that I should put myself priority before others. 

Thank you *w. 

That's how his money plant look like now. And coz his mother says he has been running high on good luck these few months and I'm down on mine. He ought to buy me a pot of money plant as well. 

And so. This's my money plant that I need to take care of. I've never had green thumbs. So I pray hard it'll grow well. Hahaha. A bit botak now.. But it'll sprout soon hopefully. And with that comes luck I hope. =)

Was reading an article about FB and suddenly thought of *w. 

In the years following.. I still remember your birthday but I don't see the need to wish you at all. I did tell my mum. And she asked if I texted you. I said no. And that there's no point. 2 years have passed. Perhaps by now you're already happily married with kids. Who knows? 

But thank you for coming into my life and staying for a while. I miss those times we hung out late. While we read the papers over a tea and food. 

Memories will always remain. And once a while it'll come popping up at the least expected time. 

*w. Happy belated birthday. <3

Hahaha. I think I'm a stalker too. Anyways. 

So he reads (books and papers). Plays basketball. Rides. And I think drives. And came from the same secondary school as yellow jersey number 5. And he has similar Chinese name/characters to *w. Gosh.

But nahz. I still enjoy single life. Especially when I know she likes him too. 

Then this kor kor say he has a friend like me. So if by age 30 his friend still single will match make the 2 of us. 

What is wrong with the people around me recently ah? =/

Everytime I'm happy out with my friends. That bloody fucker have to come and spoil my day. 

In the first place I've completed everything I need before having a well deserved off day. Juz coz I didn't bother to fucking reply your watsapp immediately does not mean I'm fucking on leave. You have the fucking planner. 

Serious issue regarding food safety I still reply and take actions. The rest not urgent I will do. After I end my day.

I last checked my watsapp at 8.30pm or so. And within 11/2 hours you can fucking bomb my phone with 40 msgs. Though not all from you. But besides maybe 4 that's related to me. The rest are not. 

Stop the bloody fucking micromanaging. 

Honestly. The more you do this the more I'm gonna rebel. I'm juz holding in my temper and frustrations. I almost cried when I was talking to *h juz now. But I'm still holding it in. If this goes on any longer I'm quite sure I'm gonna get depression. 

So fuck off. 

看到那么累的你. 我的心也痛了.

Juz reached home. Saw him like that and my heart aches for him. I've never seen him this tired. This shagged. This exhausted. 

Yes. Usually there's a period of time where we don't msg coz we're each busy with our stuff. But this time I think he's really burnt out. Our msgs these 2 weeks or so doesn't last more than 10 each. And that's new. 

He took the effort to come disturb me a couple of days back. But coz I knew he was busy so I left him alone. Msgs were short. No calls coz our schedules were packed like hell. 

But when I finally met him yest/today. We gossiped a bit. But it was his movements and all that hinted how tired he really is. When he said he wanted to take a power nap. We let him be. And a nap turned into 45 mins of rest. 

Yes. No doubt he's juz a really close friend of mine. But seeing him like this pains me and there's nothing I can do to help at all. And it's obvious he's gonna fall sick soon.

*h. Please take care. 2 more days to go...

一晚的 3 + 1. 

And I've been emo-ing for 2 days after. Not counting the 4 days before.

How strange is it that when no one mentioned you'll never think about it. But once someone plants that little harmless thought into you. You juz can't stop the brain from overworking and thinking and wishing that there's that chance. 

好想去吹吹风. 

I miss those days where I'd stay out late. Roaming around in the wee hours. Sometimes looking for food. At times juz looking for a place to sit and chill and let the cool wind blow. Of the days where secrets were shared and walls broken down bit by bit. 

I miss being around someone who cares about me more than juz friends. Someone who rides/drives me around and settling into that comfortable silence between us. 

It's truly the memories I miss. And sometimes. A little bit of me dies when I know nothing would ever be the same again. 

凉凉的风. 平复那错乱的心情.

I really wished the mother's back to drive me nuts and up the wall. This. This is driving myself crazy and for no good reason getting my heart fluttering all over the place.

It's been god damn long since my heart goes crazy like this. 

I don't know what draws me to him. But these thoughts running through my head is madness. If this goes on any longer I'll need prescription from maybe even IMH. 

2 ways: either tell me off it's not gonna happen. Or tell me me it may happen. Which I'll very much wish for the first. Save myself the hurt and heartache. 

God damn it.

乱. 

I don't know how I should react. How I should feel. When so much of him reminds me of him. From age. To looks. To bike. 

Now I don't know if it's a good or bad thing when I know that she likes him. 

He came over and watched us k. Then we went 302 for supper. It was kinda weird. With him sitting next to me. And he's a kopi kinda guy. Even late at night. And he's a gym kinda guy. Hmmmz. 

The 2 things that sets them apart? He smoke and drinks coffee. He doesn't. 

I really don't mind his current situation now. Like what they say. Friends first. If anything happens after that then let it be ba. 

It's juz that I don't know if I can start to build new memories on top of those hurt. Not when there's a real life human involved. </3 

I'm confused at this stage that I'm in. Coz he reminds me so so much of him. So much so that I'm going crazy. Like really crazy. 

The one thing I like? He's like really tall! Hahaha. It's really difficult to find a guy this much taller than me now. =)

心跳加速. 

And that's the reason I've a 'family'. Mum. Shark. *h. *d. Les. Chili. Mdm Soh.

These are the people I will die for. The ones I'm more than willing to change dates to meet. The ones I promise to be there. Through and through. 

... ...

4 days of continuos thinking. I muz be going crazy. Or rather soon. 

Memories that were buried has resurfaced out. Emotions that were once kept dormant has turned active again. 

Wish me luck. 

Indeed it was and is crazy. Juz coz of that crazy Thursday we had and the 2 fellows brought up the topic of matchmaking. I'm like in a state of denial for the past 3 days. Arrrghz. 

Then today 1 came and asked me again. 

It's not whether I want or not. But the fact that he reminds me too much of him. Though I haven't really seen him properly. Nor have I really spoken to him before. 

Yes no harm starting out as friends. But what comes after that I really don't know if my heart can handle. 

It took me so long to step out of the hurt and pain. And finally when I think I'm strong enough I'm gonna subject myself to the chance of it happening again? 

I muz be crazy. And crazy enough to go with the flow. Arrrghz.