Crazy enough that I fell asleep after being dead drunk last night. And according to *x I was mumbling in my sleep. Hahaha. Laugh die me. He's such a stalker too lo. He snores like no one's business too. Heng I just heck it and slept. Hahaha.

Almost did 2 stupid things last night. Heng first one he stopped me.. Otherwise I think I'll wake up regretting it. And the second one thank god it didn't happen. Don't know who will regret it if it does. Hahaha.

Another good thing. Heng I didn't sleep with *j. XD

Not sure if it's the right move. But nothing to lose.. Except probably my heart.. Oh well. We'll see..

Early morning pissed off by the mother. So I watsapp *c. Then in the afternoon she sent me this. And she really bought it for me. On top of a latte. <3 

That's why it's hard to find a guy who treats you same or better than a butch. That night was having the same conversation with *c and *d. And the conclusion I came to was that coz ultimately butches are still girls. Juz that they're feminine at times still. Coz of that they're more in tune with girls' needs and more sensitive in picking up emotions. 

Imagine she's juz a friend. Yet everytime we go out and eat. She'll pay. I literally have to snatch from her. Coz she cabs everywhere. She'll either wait for me to get in a cab first or walk me to the bus stop (or somewhere nearer) when we're going home. And when we talk it's nonsense. Nonsense as in really bitch-talk or about work or about personal. 

Yes I admit I do have a crush on a her. But no it doesn't mean anything. Coz she's still attached and will be ('I'm too lazy to look..' She said to me that day.) Honestly. I'll rather have this friend than spoil anything else that we've built. I've been through too many times where relationships/crushes broke the friendship between me and the other party. First was *her. Then was *j. Third time wiser. 

I'll miss her much if anything changes. I juz hope we'll stay this way forever. <3

Ididn'tknowyoucouldaffectmethismuch. </3

Recently had some conversations with a couple of friends on separate occasions. And the things they said got me thinking. 

One told me that if not coz of my height and that I've friend-zoned him he'll try his luck. I was like.. 'Huh!' Coz it never struck my mind that it was ever possible like that. 

Another came and ask me if I was attached. Someone else straight away congratulated me. lll-.- 

The one who asked said she has faith in me. Seriously. I don't even have faith in myself to overcome my own mindset. Yet people are confident of me? 

Still in slight shock. O.o

1 month and 1 day. Seriously. If you're married/have a gf. Stop being so nice to other girls out there like me. It gives and leaves a wrong impression. =/ 

Except for that Sunday no msg. It's super consistent that I'd wake up with his msg or go to sleep with it. Today it's both. Even when he told me hems leaving for home. And he's spot checked when he knows I was out drinking. Gosh. If I had a bf like that. I don't know if I should be thankful or...? 

Currently thankful mode. At least someone from the opp sex cares. Besides those that I've friend-zoned. <3

I live up to my group's name. Stalker. Hahaha. So *a is married. TatA to a short found crush! =) 

Super bad day at work. Almost gave up and break down straight. In the end went out and then met *c for a while to shop for a present. And then randomly texted *a. 

Took him some time and a few attempts. But I guessed it worked. We still have not make attempts to meet or exchange numbers. And I guess I'm happier this way. 

Thank you *c and *a. 

Idrawmystrengthfromyou <3

A bit high and drunk on 2 pints of Thactchers. Was out with a group of fun people too. But cannot tag. Illegal gathering.

... ... 

Sunday we didn't text at all. And today it was back to normal le. <3 

Sometimes. All you need is to relax and slow down. 

Waves gently rolling onto the shore. Sound of balls hitting each other on the pool table. Movie playing in the background. Soft chatter around the deck. Me swinging on the hammock listening to all these lullaby.

This is life. Beautiful beautiful life. <3

第一次那么紧张. 第一次那么放不下.

Still outside and heading out still. And he juz spot checked on me. Hahaha. I don't know if I should be happy or irritated. =P

Hahaha. One almost cui person talking to an almost brain dead person in the middle of the night. I will miss his routine msgs when I go home next week. </3

Loooong day. And it's gonna be a loooong week. Thankful for another rubbish to keep me company. =) 

Hahaha. An unexpected msg. 

And I did juz that yest. Not coz there was no loyalty. But coz the world doesn't revolve around them and them only. 

I've also decided that no matter how paranoid my thinking may be. There are still good people out there. Not all are out for the same thing.

This may be one of the routines I may be able to fall in love with. *a: thank you.. 

So maybe I'm juz really open. Hmmmz.

Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn't. What do you think? =P 

过去的不一定就会过得去. </3

I have no brother. Don't ever ask about him. Period. 

I doubt you're reading this anymore. But somehow everytime I face a dilemma at work. You're the first person that comes to mind. And you're the one I wanna share it with. I know I can't do it anymore. But speaking out here seems to help and it juz sort of lessen the gap between us. 

So I agreed to take up that 'CCA' even though I know it's not going to be easy for me for the rest of the year and I'm mentally preparing myself for the shit I have agreed to put myself through. My off days will never be my off days anymore. And my leave will never be used for travelling out of town anymore. 

I know I've changed. And I'm not gonna deny that. I'm not even gonna push the blame to the environment or circumstances. There's no excuses. 

I juz hope I'll stay motivated and happy still throughout. At least till the end of the year. It's definitely not going to be easy balancing work and CCA. But I'll take up that challenge and work hard towards it. Who knows. Maybe there'll juz be a rainbow at the end of it.

*w. I draw my strength from you. 

I hate going to the doctor when I'm sick. It sucks. Like totally waste my time also. Then *c is also at the doc at the other end of the island. Karma! =P

http://elitedaily.com/women/women-really-want/717145/?utm_source=huffingtonpost.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=pubexchange_facebook

And it reminded me of you.

And she called! *beamz*

原本就是想用那句话换来你的一声问候. 但心里却知道那是那么一件不可能的事. 没想到你真的问候了我. <3

And I am looking forward to tmr. Day trip out with *h and *c. <3 I still think she's cute. =P maybe coz I've been hanging out with her too much lately. Shopping. Eating. Talking crap. <3

... ...

And I should have really taken 184 instead of cabbing on a Monday morning. I hate the jam here. =(

So yes. Maybe I'm a little whoozy. But I didn't tell her that at all. Yet she insisted on me cabbing home. 'Either you cab home or I take bus with you. Or I won't go out with you next time.' And she started listing out the times I drank when I was with her. Which actually wasn't a lot. 3 times nia. Then kenna that hard state when I ordered my shoju.. And when I wanted to finish my drink and she stared at me even harder and dared me to.

No idea why I'm so comfortable with her and why I actually listened to her. 

But yeah. Cabbed home. Showered. Waiting for hair to dry before sleeping. =) 

I have never ever been so fucking pissed in my life. Or rather it has been quite some time. I am so pissed that as I'm typing this I'm fucking wide awake (when I need to work at 8am) and shaking. Get your facts right before you come to me. Juz coz I seldom type anything in the watsapp group doesn't mean you treat me like transparent. So what if you're trying to call me? I'm not gonna fucking pick up your call. Why should I? You dare you type into the group chat. I am frustrated. You think it's only you? I'm running a business. If you think you cannot cope with my small little puny volume then fucking get out. Don't fucking no balls and go and call my RGM and vent your frustration on them. I tell you. You've officially spoilt my mood and I see no reason why I should reply you even. You don't even bother to response to me. I choose to do the same. I've given you face time and time again and follow up with you personally so not to shame you. But today you have pushed me too fucking far. It goes the same as the rest of you. Don't fucking give me lip service and ignore. I will do the same back. When my store has already cleaned up the operations. I am not going to let you be the obstacle for my team to scale greater heights. I can tell you even if I fall asleep and wake up. My mood is not going to be good at all. So be smart. Don't fucking test your patience on me. And now you tell me MC. I make sure you fucking MC forever. I'm trying hard to hold and control my emotions. But they're probably asleep. I can't tell my RGMs even though I know some are still awake and texting me. I can't talk to the mother even. And I didn't even post on fb coz of image. So this is my only way of frustration. And trust me when I tell you to fuck off. Stay away from me. I am fucking mad right now. And this madness will last for another 12 hours at least. 

Maybe like Rainie and Alien. We were once so close but never together. But that doesn't mean anything. I know it's a fact you don't feel that for me anymore. And for me it's perhaps a bit more of the familiarity than anything else.

Was having dinner with *c the other night and we were talking. About her gf's twinnie. And I was saying that sometimes people end up being together with coz out of familiarity or that the person gave stopped looking and anyone that comes by will be the one they hang on to. 

No doubt an unfair statement. But that's what I feel it is. I gave up much back then (and feel I've lost myself). Now I come and think about it. I'm more confident. More independent. And nothing and no one will take my freedom away from me. 

It's nice when in a group and someone juz pays special attention to you. Like juz now. =P was having dinner with the HGW kakis. And then this super cute Italian host came over. The main point was to inform us that the main would be slightly delayed but he was looking right at me when he said that. And Michelle was saying that she could feel the current going on between us. Hahaha. We-ll. someone juz had to give him attention no? =) 

For the last weeks have been hanging out late. For dinners. Suppers. Drinks. And everytime I'm out late. I think of you. Yest at Gardens by the Bay saw *g and his wife. But who came to my mind was not them but you. Of how would I react if one day I was to see you with your other half. Would I choose to walk away? Or say hi? Would my heart be broken once again? 

Was drinking with the bro yest at Wala. Maybe it was us having a tad too much to drink.. Somehow started texting *c and we were asking her out for a movie. It was late. But yeah. No.. She didn't come but I dreamt of her. 

Like what my bro asked.. 'Is she having an affair?' I hope that's not what we are doing. But I've to admit that it feels nice to be taken care of. To have someone to share work and personal with. And after years.. Someone who picks up the tab and refuse to let me pay (though we rotate - her unwillingly). That when we had to spilt cab to get back.. The first cab is always mine. 

I ain't looking for someone to buy me diamonds.. Or branded stuff.. Or anything else I want. Coz whatever I want I can buy it myself. I'm juz looking for someone to share experiences and memories with. Someone who's there for me through and through. Being able to pick me up and send me back would be a plus. 

And somehow you'll always be at the back of my mind. No matter where you are now. No matter what you're doing. I juz hope you're doing fine. <3

I finished the book. 

'Sometimes you have to go back to be able to move on.' - Paige Toon. 

I am not going to go back. Not when finally my wound has start to heal and now that I reminisce back it's juz happiness and no more pain. 

Arrghz! How can this be! What sort of book is this?!? *fumez* 

Juz started reading this a couple of hours back and almost at the middle of the book. How can the guy she couldn't forget get married to his ex and that she gets herself a new bf?!? 

Arrghz! So angry at the book!

... ...

Or izzit trying to tell me something? =/

你我之间的距离莫过于这桥梁的长度. 我们的回忆已成为了往事. 而我也只能在这里慢慢回味. 寂寞已成为我的好友. 当初的夜晚. 在那马路上奔驰. 到了无人的小街. 那放纵的生活. 现在突然好想问一问: 你过得好吗? 

Yest night it suddenly occurred to me that it's been a long while since I took a read at my own blog. Much less blog. So here I am. 

A month and a half back but it seems that I've been back like forever and never left. 

Went JB with *h that day for shopping and a spontaneous movie. And since I came back there's many times that I'm out with *c. And once with *j. 

But I realized one thing. They don't know all of me. They only know part of me. 

*h knows my current life. My usual likes and dislikes. And of work. 

*c knows a bit of my past. Especially those of Crez times. And juz the other day when we were out - I think Thursday. Also of my childhood and the silly things that happened. 

*j knows a mixture of my past and work. But not in depth.

I don't know why it's like that. I treat all 3 as close friends. Especially *h and *c. Or izzit coz *h's a guy and *c's a girl? 

But it's so much easier to talk about my past and childhood to *c than *h. It's like when I start talking to beloved and mummy. It juz flows without my thinking. I ain't shy to share no matter how ugly it is. And that's exactly the part that hurts. Coz we're so close now. I'm worried the gf will be mistaken. Yes I may be overreacting or overly sensitive. But that thought is there. And that what will happen in a couple of months' time? I actually afraid to lose this friendship. 

What exactly is in a friendship? Someone who probably understands your likes and dislikes. Who you aren't afraid of sharing your dreams and goals and past with. Who understands you well enough to know what you're thinking juz by looking at your behavior and the look on the face. 

Recently been quite emo-y. Especially since I came back from Maldives and am trying to pick myself back up. Being with *h and *c truly helps. And also beloved and mummy for being the silent stalkers on my fb and 'interrogating' me. =) 

It helps to stay away from all the negative vibes and keep myself going. 

Yeah. I miss drinking and hanging out with the drinking kakis. I miss clubbing/pubbing much too. =/ need to plan one day soon. After fasting month ends also.. 

And surprisingly I miss *w. Maybe coz of how open I could also be with him. And how he could accept me back then. I'm not sure if he sees me now could he accept me still. But I guess I'll never know. Coz he's really outta my life already. But imissyoutoo. <3

http://thoughtcatalog.com/elle-seejay/2014/07/we-almost-dated-the-one-who-wont-go-away/

A read that is as painful as it is memorable. Thank you for the memories.

*d couldn't make it for the event this year. And it was early this morning that *c asked if I wanted to go. And we went to buy our pink tops before the event started. =P

My first year at Pink Dot. And most likely not my last. I like the small plushie on the keyring! But it was sold out. Angry. =l 

So it was kinda weird having to meet *c's gf and friends. Especially when they all know each other and I know no one but her. So after the light up they jio to go Cathay but I said I'm going home. 

It's a super mixed feelings and many memories from Crez juz flashed through. Maybe. Juz maybe. I was hoping to see *her there. 

And seriously. Maybe it's time for me to really put some distance between *c and me. I don't wanna have withdrawal symptoms then. It's definitely gonna be painful. Especially considering how often we've been going out and all. 

LGBT. Pink dot. Freedom to love. <3

Why do you always have to tag along? I juz want some time alone with her. Afraid I may fall for her but juz want to spend more time together. May it be talking to her or having a meal. She's that one bright spark in my life currently. <3

2 hours before midnight and we were at the airport. And she happily took the trolley to put our bags on. Hahaha. Everyone was laughing away and so were we. But it was funny la. 

And then I sprained my ankle while getting to Amelia's car. Slightly swollen perhaps.. But super sore now. God damnit. Need to buy an ankle guard later. 

Yest we were talking and *c was saying that her gf missed called 40 times during the 2 hours we were talking. OMG! Hahaha. I told her she was kidnapped by me la. =P better report strength coz we were out late. But her gf had called earlier and she already told her she's not going home. =P 

Oops! 

I sincerely hope that she's juz a eye candy and nothing more. I pray hard that my feelings will not be stirred up at all and through this I'll gain another close friend and that it'll last long.. <3

Puff the Magic Dragon! At Standing Sushi Bar yest. 

Magical isn't the word I'll use. But during dinner the place was getting kinda warm and we went out for air. And what I think was supposed to be juz to finish the story she was sharing didn't stop at that. It went on.. For 2 hours.. We both shared a piece of ourselves that was long buried. 

A past that almost no one knows of. And a present of how we are who we are now. <3 

And I'm juz glad that I found another good friend. A friend in a place where almost no one knows of the past I had. =) 

4daysinarow. <3 

I will treasure July much much more.. <3

Babi.. Purposely one. Hrmphz. Hahaha..

Thank you to *c! <3

Somuchmemories. Somuchpain. Outofeveryone. Whymuzitbeyou? Ithoughti'moveryou? 

I'm hoping and wishing against all hope. That this is not happening. Maybe it's time to put some distance? ... ... But it's really tough. Do I really wanna subject myself to such torture again?

Dinner with *c. It's been sometime since I feel the way I do now. But it is a nice feeling. *pampered*

因为我又痛了. 

因为我要找回自己. 

I finally fulfilled my dream of getting a scuba diving license (and am super addicted to diving now - coz I'm picking up the advanced too now) and is officially a diver! Though noob but like what they say. There are no pro or new divers. Only divers. =) 

It's weird in a way coz all of the fellow divers have partners/buddy.. Except me. So I guess if I do get attached.. Another criteria is that the person muz be a diver. Hahaha. I'm delirious. =P Too much excess nitrogen in my body left from all those dives. Decompression limit. =)

Yeah. So I really do enjoy diving and am looking forward to completing my advanced before heading home. <3 

Oh my tian. Please tell me this is juz the retail price and not the actual prize he paid for the wallet. O.O

Supposed to be taking a photo by Josias.. But he was taking too long so I used mum's phone for a selfie instead! Hahaha.. See how the rest were like siam-ing the camera.. Hahaha.. But then..

A much better picture ensued! =D 

Today was a good day coz no pressure from the mother. At all. And the 2 of us were like speaking in dialects to each other today lo. Like what the *toot*. Hahaha. She spoke in Cantonese and I reply in Hokkien. Damn funny lo. I think her PMO and mine were both very tickled by the 2 of us. Hahaha. 

Had dinner together again after the movie. And then sat a while outside as she smoked. And we shared more stupid past. Hahaha.

Decided not to do my work le. Shall sleep. Tongue tired arguing with her whole day le. =P

家用 for today.. =P

An extra gift from *c! Hahaha! Even though I said many times I don't need any (until I'm called auntie!) 

Yeah. Randomly went for dinner juz now at Pizza Hut and Nick saw us and came over to say hi.. Then we were talking about my letter. And then about our past.. And then off we went la.. She was meeting someone in town. But the way she said it was as if they weren't together.. Messy la she. I don't know her that well yet to ask. But maybe one day I will. 

So yeah.. I'll see her for the next 2 days too! So happy! Hahaha! 3 days in a row! =D

Hahaha. Damn funny conversation earlier.. Now I wonder what's that that she knows about me that I never tell her? And I was going to ask her for help somemore.. Die la... =P

Most memorably was that day when you sent me to the taxi stand. And everytime now that I go and cab from there.. You're always on my mind. 

... ...

Having said that. Was super craving for kuay chap but the store has closed down! Ahhhh.. Damn suay. I can imagine what my craving would be for the next few days.. Now........ Where's will have kuay chap? 

So that day when I was in the office I bumped into *o at CCP when I was there to have lunch. She was asking me how come I was there but Shida was calling so I didn't talk to her. 

But as I was leaving office she called me. And said she juz wanna take 2 mins. So it seems that they all know about the changes. And she's the first one to congrats me on it. Hahaha. 

Now there's an eye candy.. Next time there'll still be. =P

Awesome friend's home! Yeahs!! XD

就算是那么一下. 我也高兴. <3 

It's only 45 mins or so. But that few minutes made me super happy. Sometimes it's really not about the length of time but the quality of time. It's as if you've never left. 

My god.. I thought I was still kinda early. But I've to queue for at least an hour to get my parcel. 

What's happening to our mail system? =/

Super duper happy! Was reminded of this musical when I saw Leigh's post! And I quickly googled and bought my tix! Awesomeness!! 

Grease's the first musical I watched with *g many many donkey years ago. No difference from previous is that I'm catching alone.. And that I'm gonna sit a seat that'll remind me of *w. Hahaha.. But for once it's an afternoon matinee instead of the night.. So at least I won't have to rush for the last bus coz the next day is Hello Kitty day again. =P

Oh! And I only used 5 days of my AL for the May trip! Awesome right!! 

Super happy and gonna sleep now! =D

So so true.. Have always been thinking of getting attached. But I have yet to overcome my own barricade of emotions and emotional baggage that I've been carrying around. 

22nd is coming. *h's going for his convention. *c's going for her bonding. No more awesome friend to be random with. No more eye candy to motivate me to work. 

We-ll. At least later I'm training her at DT. So yeah! At least a few hours with my eye candy! Hahaha. 

Yet to reply Pat.. Still thinking about it......

This quote comes in handy.. So now I have #onemorebrain and today after the session finished we decided to aimlessly walked around until she decided to eat ice cream/dessert. 

What was supposed to be juz a random makan and jalan session turned out to be 31/2 hours crapping session with 2 'meals' in between. 

There's another quote that made me think also. Friends for a season and friends for a reason. Sad but true.. 

Sometimes all I need is a listening ear and for you to remember that the world does not juz revolve around you. Don't let me get sick of you.. Coz when I do.. You don't wanna be around. 

I open my life not to everyone. I'm thankful I'm in the 'inner' circle for some really close ones. And you should be thankful if you are in mine. But if you can't appreciate then too bad. I'll say thank you and see you again. 

It's still a tough decision to make. And she's not making it any easier for me. Sighz. 

I had a good dinner. And with great company. But that still doesn't solve the dilemma I have on hand.. 

I remember the times I turned to you whenever I face this kinda dilemma and you were always there to tide me through. No matter how sure I was about the decision. But juz that one sentence from you. I could stay on for months and years. 

It's different now. Coz there's no one who understands me like you do. And there's no one like you who can juz tell me off and I'll willingly accept and even change my decision. 

I'm still trying to learn to live without you.. Coz the last time we had even any exchange of conversation was when I promoted to BC last year and you were asking about my stores. 

It's actually juz slightly less than a year but it seems so much longer. I guess time have a way to play with our minds. 

I do miss you still. Not in a way like back then when I felt my world was collapsing. But more so coz you were a pillar of reality and no one else comes close. Not even *h. Our mindsets may be similar. But our priorities are not. 

And if Pat is really ok with me to take an unpaid leave of a month or so before any changes. I'm seriously reconsidering. But I juz wish you were here to knock some sense into me. </3

So Pat spoke to me. 

I juz need an ear. A hug. And I juz wanna rant things out and have someone to listen to my thoughts that's running amok in my mind now. 

In a cab on PIE rushing to mum's place for dinner. I need my 'family'. <3

Dreamt of him last night. Then now walk past event hall at DTE and heard the song. Haiz.. 

So I found a new friend and we ran away to have 'supper' until the mother and sister had to call/msg us and we chose to ignore. Hahaha. Gossiping over the meal and happy laughing and swearing at each other away. 

Not to mention at least I have an eye candy now! =P

Misses Sri Lanka much. The place. The scenery. The weather. The craziness (and crankiness!) of my travel kakis. Definitely not missing the food much! =P

Another time that on leave means really on leave. Yes *q and I had 3G. But it was more for 'IG IG!!' and 'FB FB!!' 

I remember the mornings *h would automatically wake us up at 5.40am their local time and *q and I would curse and swear and ask him to shut up. Hahaha. Especially when he's sleeping in between us. =) 

Tmr meeting the mother. And yeah. I've made my decision. 

Now.. I'm kinda torn between Canada. Eastern Europe. Africa (but there's Ebola).. 

Let's get tmr over with and we'll see and plan again ba.. Jiayou Yixiu!