中秋节快乐!

No celebration this year coz monthend ma. Juz a simple family dinner and time spent at home. But what juz made my day. A cute guy held the door open for me at the station. =P somemore in army polo. =) my fav kinda guy. *heartz*

Kk.. Forgot to eat that last mooncake of mine. Shall eat tmr instead. =) after meeting *p ba.

Hope everyone has a great evening! Off to count stocks in a bit! =)

=edit=
Hahaha. *v's online! XD

有那种莫名的冲动想现在立刻冲下去.

A freaking weird show. Besides having alien watching with me. I didn't really enjoy it.

Firstly. It's a tad too vulgur for my liking. Secondly. I think it's gross how a teddy bear can be alive and kicking. It juz gives me the creeps. Thirdly. What's the morale of the story? Or what's the plot? How you need to keep your best buddies? Lastly. It's a super sick show. Sick in the sense of dirty sick. =/

We-ll. Probably you may enjoy watching it. But I don't. Or maybe coz I know it wasn't on my list of muz watch.

... ...

Mixed feelings now. About work. Suddenly tell me MnR costs are in and much higher than what I know. But thing is. I really never spend much this month ah. God. Getting worried. Should I turn back and head back to store now?

Rude me.

'Decision: if you are sincere enough to want to gimme a closure. Come contact me directly. Don't find 3rd parties to pass the msg. If not I'll juz take it you juz wanna clear your 'guilt' or whatsoever juz to make yourself feel better. Then too bad. I've better things to do than 'entertain' someone who left me hanging 6 years back and left me in a rut for the following 5 years. Thank you very much.'

So after much useless debate. I've decided not to meet.

No doubt during the past 6 years I've always look forward to the day that she'll come back into my life somehow. Now that the day has come. Even juz to gimme a closure. I don't think I want it. Reason: if I really meant so much to you back then. You'd have came back much earlier to gimme a closure. Why wait till 6 years later when all wounds have healed and time has diluted all the pain?

'Will reopen wounds heal fast?' 'Yes. If you release the pus and disinfect the wound.'

So why should I let you have it easy to clear your 'guilt' only when I'm the one who had to had it tough? Furthermore when you already say that after the closure you would still leave my life. The max I'll accept is a msg. Whether or not I'll reply is another different story. If you were sincere enough. You'd have found ways and means to contact me directly than find a 3rd party to pass the msg. Make that 2 3rd parties.

'We can't be friends after I give her a closure'

Why? Why can't we be friends after the closure? Then why do you wanna gimme a closure in the first place?

So should I meet you or should I not? Do I really wanna know the reason of your leaving? Am I really prepared for to get hurt all over again?

It took me 5 years to get over you. 1 year to not think about you. Do I wanna spend another 5 years to forget you?

我不知道这个决定是对的吗. 但只要我没试, 我永远也不会知道.

I hope I'm prepared for what is to come. It sure is gonna hurt like hell. But am I prepared how much hell I can take? Am I ready to open back the wound that has haunted me for years juz to get hurt all over again?

I loved her back then. Have I moved on enough for me to forget this love of mine?

The floodgates have been opened. I'm opening myself up to be all cut up and bruised again. But I do want to know why.

Why 6 years ago you had to send such msgs to me. Why 6 years ago you decided to leave without a word only to come back 6 years later. Why 6 years ago you hurt me so bad and you're still coming back to haunt me down?

我活得好好的. 我确定我要再一次打开我的旧伤吗?

Something to ponder over..

Thoughts still rolling about in my brain though I should be sleeping le.

No. I'm not hurt or upset. Juz a tad angry and a lot of question marks.

Why would you wanna come back to gimme a closure when 6 years ago you left without a word? I cried like shit back then. Laid down my pride and sent you letters. Parcels. SMS. All to no avail. I tried very hard to move on. And I know I only finally moved on completely a year ago. Now when I look back. There's no more pain. No more hurt. Juz a genuine sense of loss. For the friendship we once shared. And for the love I once had for you.

Moving on was not easy for me. Better still was when you said that after this closure you'll still disappear from my life. Then what difference does it make seriously?

First consideration: am I ready to open up the wound and get hurt so badly once again? Second consideration: what if you didn't walk away? What if you decided to stay on in my life? Would I be able to accept that?

6 years is a long time. For me to pick up the pieces and to move on. I've met many people during these 6 years. And these people have helped me in a way or another to move on to where I am today. Am I ready to give up all now juz for a chance at reconciliation with you?

"i took so long becos i wasnt ready to give any closure.i wasnt plannin to actually.but theres just this callin to give a closure.i knw it's selfish of me for all tt i have done.
and i dont mean to screw your life up all over again.so i'd understand if u dont want to meet."

So question is. Do I or do I not wanna meet and get the closure I was looking for all these years?

Ha! Something that made my night! Love my brother much much!! XP

Plans for Oktoberfest has started! XD

... ...

Anyways. Someone juz made my night! =P and probably shall head to Sri Lanka next year for a trip! (Instead of Turkey!)

Really fortunate to realize now that I'll love to travel alone and nua to death than travel with people who keeps changing their minds and has a need to move!

Next year plan: to travel all places alone!! XD

the sponsers trip to Bohol next year is on. 24 Feb to 2 Mar. and i think i'm ready to go and meet my kid. time to plan for next year's leave as well.

damn. the news juz came in. ECC is 25 and 27 Feb next year. no more trip.. =( time to plan again le. =(

Woke up with a start juz now. Thinking I was either late for a meeting or work. And tried so hard to recall what I had planned. Gues what? I am off day. With nothing planned coz I squeezed everything in yesterday.

Juz needed to do schedule only. Hahaha. Silly me. =)

Yixi! *heartz*

1 of 3 people who made me happy today. =D

跟旧人在一起, 亲切, 熟悉, 但是伤口隐隐作痛. 跟新人在一起, 兴奋, 快乐, 充满着冒险的恐惧.

Juz caught 'the fierce wife' finale in cinema. After a long hiatus of not watching movies.

Came back from batam. Had dinner with mum and bought her a birthday present. Then caught the movie alone.

I cried a little.

It's been almost 2 years. Am I ready to take the plunge once again?

Was chatting with *d till late last night/early this morning. And he knows about them all.

No doubt the old is familiar and comfortable. But it's time to let go and move on. The new is exhilarating but thing is. There's no one that makes me feel as such. Besides *m. But that's a ridiculous daydream. If I keep holding on to the past and the familiarity. He can't move on either. I ain't suppose to care anymore remember?

*drawz circle in a corner*

Ok. So I'm sitting here outside mum's and boss's room. Coz *d disappeared le. And I'm locked out of my own room. Oh man. =/

ok. so hangover cured. work all done. so it's time for a little blogging session. =)

am leaving for batam in another 9 hours' time with boss. mum and *d. =) happy happy. 

so i've gotten into a routine. of msging JK before sleep nightly. juz to keep her updated on store and the issues. so the first 3 nights i did that she didn't reply. but yesterday she did. 'Tks YX. I like this close follow up from you' =) no choice ah. have to make her happy then she can approve my leave ma.. =P

but next month dates are crazy too. i hate being in a high profile store. it's a love-hate relationship seriously. 

anyways. not to digress. why i'm staying. 

coz other than me not feeling bonded with the PMO. besides that my leave wasn't approve. that she hates RMs not being in town. actually honestly. i'm still happy with what i'm doing. i'm juz sick of the pressure and routine (some sort). but i guess i could live with it. for now. 

would i wanna see what i've worked so hard for go down to waste? no. would i wanna give up now that i;ve come so far? no. but is my motivation? seriously? i'm still looking. 

for now my motivation comes from my travelling. and from having good off days. 

4 movies pending to catch. the fierce wife. resident evil. from rome with love. hope springs. i realize that it's been some time since i last caught a movie i think. last one was step up in malacca. 

wanna start saving and planning my trips for next year. am planning to visit my kid too. they're organizing a trip. hopefully i can make it. have registered already. so left to convince JK again. =P 

so all in all. i'm gonna enjoy whatever leave i can this year. and plan for next year. wants to visit my kid. pick up scuba diving. and also tour guide license. and if i can. a bike license as well. 

and my wish for this year? i wanna go legoland!!! XD

I guess for now I'll stay. Reason to be shared after my 'hangover'. =P

Thank you.

就凭你那么一句话.

I stopped. Thought. Slept on it. Chilled.

I've still no idea what's my motivation at work now. And have no goal to work towards. So my decision to move is swayed.

I'll think about it still. And we'll see how it goes.

So what if the RM is around for the visit? BC around also no use. Still fail what. No planning no matter BC or RM around still will fail de lo.

So if I'm off and SOR 2 comes. Will it help if I'm there?

And another thing. I don't have the stamina to run on. No more motivation. When there isn't any motivation. I won't move de.

Back then my motivation was to become BP. And juz focus all I can on work. 24/7. But now. Priorities has changed. No doubt of your 1 sentence I stopped. Paused and think. But maybe I've still decided somewhat. Juz needed someone to voice it out and decide for me.

When your motivation is not cash. It's much harder to motivate yourself to move. No?

I'm still debating if I need to ask around for more opinions.

Have spoken to couzin. To mum. To mummy. Maybe I need more opinions still?

Or have I really decided to go?

And yesterday was the best day ever. No doubt it was accountability with Vikki. But you know how some simple things can juz make you super happy?

I was seated in WCP function room on the long table with some of my favorite people in the world to work with.

Ros. Don. Mashar. Annie. Han. (I count Serene as extra but I do enjoy learning from her too..)

My lovely lovely people that I miss so so much.

And the reason for my leaving?

I've grown frustrated with the system. Too many changes over the past 2 years. With every change in SLT. They all have different priorities. And to keep changing shows juz how focused and aligned they are. No doubt it's much based on my own adaptability as well.

And I've no more goals to meet in the system by staying.

I used to dream of being a BM or BC one day. But now I'm not ready to commit to the kinda working schedules they have. Sacrificing everything on the way. BP dream is up in smoke as well. KAP is closing in another 2 years' time.

There's no more UAP degree to look forward to. No outstanding RM to look forward to. I've fought hard enough for the results. Although I know PnL is not my strength. I fight for the people awards. Yes. I've gotten the due recognition and I'll leave it as that.

My goal now is more towards personal.

I wanna pick up new skills. Scuba diving license. Bike license. Tour guide license too if possible. And to continue this traveling dream of mine. While not neglecting my family and friends anymore.

Cannot believe it. I actually woke up at 3.30am and rolled till 5.15am. Now otw to store.

Seriously.

I don't know if it's the weather that's making it too hot to sleep. Or that I'm still bothered by my decision.

Considerations for not leaving: the pay. I'm a part of contributor to the family income. I'm paying off my bro's school fees. I'm paying off my parents' insurance. Let's not get started on my own expenses.

Unless I find a job of similar pay or better otherwise it'll be tough on the family finances.

That's the only reason for my staying.

走头无路.

I texted my couzin. Coz I think he's the only one who can give me an unbiased opinion at this point in time.

Yes. It hurts to know that I'll be making a life changing decision and leaving my best memories behind. But it doesn't hurt as much as the past when I made such a decision.

I'm now swamped with thoughts and nowhere to rant. So here I am. Venting at a place where does not respond.

I know I cannot seek opinions from my BCs or BM coz they'll be biased views. I can only seek opinions from people who are at best. Out of the system. And then I realize there aren't many friends I have out of the system. Or at least that many that I'm close to enough.

我办不到.

I WILL NOT SACRIFICE ANY MORE OF MY PERSONAL/FAMILY TIME FOR ALL THESE NONSENSE.

I've had enough of last minute cancellation of plans. Ps-ing my friends. And something's gotta give.

Either I let go of my career. Or I'll let go of my relationships.

What's the point of working so hard and get where I wanna be but in the end I get no life and I lose all my family and friends?

The more I think this through. The more I think a decision needs to be made ASAP.

Maybe a drastic step needs to be taken.

It's no longer about the bonus or the leave. It's about the well being of me myself and I. And of my own personal growth.

I don't live for others. I guess it's time to live for myself. I juz hope I don't regret this decision I make.

I refuse to call you back. I refuse to reply your msg. I'm gonna pretend that I'm asleep coz I need to wake up freaking early tmr.

It's another travel. A full day in my store.

... ...

你就像一阵龙卷风, 趁我不留意时, 把我深深地卷入其中. 当我要脱离时, 一切都来不及了.

You're always the first person on my mind when I've happy news to share. And always the one on my mind when I've things I need advice or opinions on.

But I guess all these have changed. Yes. We may not have known each other long enough and probably also not in contact much enough. But you know me in a way that no one else does. And coz you're no longer around. Now that I'm at a crossroad once again. There's no one I can turn to.

*She juz called again and I flat out refuse to pick up the call*

I miss having you around and in my life. I miss you as a friend.

I juz need someone to bounce my thoughts off. But no one. No one who knows me well enough is there. Coz the only one who did. Has left.

What would it take to have you back in my life? Juz as a friend?

http://realityviews.blogspot.sg/2008/09/top-ten-careers-for-gemini.html?m=1

So probably it'll work if I follow my thoughts...?

Tonight is such a night. Of thoughts running through my head.

No. I'm not gonna stop them this time but let them come as they wish.

Sudden thoughts of times I spent with *you. Of times I spent with *v. Of times I spent with *n. And of thoughts of *m.

Interestingly. Coz I'm actually online with *n right now. And then I thought about Mt Everst and then of Tibet. And then memories came back from my June trip to Tibet (supposingly).

Not sure what's wrong with me but I know I've decided (80%) that I will leave. When is the question left to answer now.

I wish *you are still reading this. Coz I guess *you may be the only one who can convince me to stay. =/

最怕此生已经决定过着没有你的日子, 却又突然听到你的消息.

Woke up to a series of emails today. And yeah. It's helped to set my mind more. Question is if I can bear to leave. I've come to an age that I no longer want so much responsibility. Where I no longer see working in the system a happy thing.

There's been too many changes too frequent. Till the point that my personal life is suffering too. I cannot be staying back juz for SOR. Coming in early for travels. Then what gives?

I don't know how long I can last. Or would I even last till December. But I guess all would be clearer after this upcoming weekend.

I'm not looking for an office job. I'm juz looking for something with slightly lesser responsibility but can keep me going for the next 10 years?

I've been in the system for almost 9 years. I think it's time to put a stop to it already. At the rate the system changes. There's seriously no point in staying.

I'll miss the people I've worked with. The records and results that I've gotten. But when the people I've ever worked with has gone. Where does that leave me?

I don't wanna be a BC or BM or even lateral move any more. My dream in this system has stopped. I've reached where I wanna be. And this is it.

I'm an ENFJ.

It's time for a change. Soon.

Decided. Question as to where: more or less decided as well.

Spoke to my baby bro juz now and he did comment on certain reasons. But I guess it's slightly clearer now if not by much.

Texted one of my ex lecturers as well to ask for advice.

It ain't that crystal clear yet. But yeah. I've made up my mind. At least to that 80%.

I wish *you were there to let me bounce off my thoughts too.

Time? Somewhere early next year. Unless I can't take it sooner. But I'm looking forward for my RCIP and bonus.

Missing my 3rd home super badly. =/

Pained.

Pained coz I was the last to know yet you said we were best of friends.
Pained coz it seemed that you've finally moved on.
Pained coz I still care.
Pained coz I've finally pluck up the courage to contact you.
Pained coz how can I have a crush on someone like you.
Pained coz I don't know how else to feel now.
Pained coz I've got no money left to spend this month.
Pained coz I need to dig into my emergency travel fund for help.
Pained coz I'm seriously looking for another job.

Pained coz it all hurts so so bad.

And when it hurts. The best way is to get drunk and forget.

In serious need of a drink next week. =/

Hee! A text that made me super happy for no reason! *beamz*

*itchy itchy*

Don't know I'm looking forward to the trip this month or the one next month. Hmmmz.. =)

突然间好想你..

Seriously!!! I thought $4000 to Bhutan and $6000 for world cup is ridiculous! USD $50000 for a climb up Mount Everest! *speechless*

Blur pic! Too bright!! But the best part about it? The place is called.. 'talk cock sing song'! A phrase I first heard when I was out chilling with *w. Hahaha! Random shit I know. XD

Anyways! He's going to Mt Everest!! Eeeee!! Japan and Mt Everest in a year! He muz seriously be nuts! XD

But Mei Chun was saying juz now how alike we are. Our worlds rotating on the axis of traveling. =P

Next trip planned and flights booked. Left the accommodations and tours and inter island (?) transport. I'm coming soon! Wait for me!

T minus: 29 days! XD

如果哪天我放弃你了，不是我不喜欢你，而是你不珍惜。

如果有一天我放弃了你，请不要怀疑我是否恋上另一个人。

是因为我发觉你不珍惜我.

离开你并非我愿意，我不想拿放弃当威胁，因为那两个字我不曾轻易说出口。

因为曾经爱过...

假如有天我真正选择了离开...

那么对不起不是想要你的挽留...

而是对你真的死心了。

有些人总是在失去之后才知道曾经的美好...

在我决定离开你之前我会给你好多机会。

如果你把我给你的机会当作你放纵的资本，有天我会真的走出来..

虽然我会痛会伤心。

可我了解自己，一旦爱上一个人会全心全意，可一旦我真正决定了死心，那么我只会在心里哭泣一次，然后选择忘记...

如果我选择了放弃选择了离开，那么我便再也不会回头。

如果有天我放弃你了，你会偶尔想起我吗？那些我们一起度过的.......

别等我累了，放弃了，你才想起来要爱我。

A lovely cafe at Upper Thomson. Or maybe it was the company I was with that made it so enjoyable. I haven't been smiling like that to myself for quite a while. Not when work is getting a tad tiring (coz I'm still waiting for the stupid SOR. And that another 3 travels are coming up.)

But thank you to chili. Mum. *y. And especially alien and Claudia for making me smile to myself so much yest!

No doubt it was a sleepy/tiring day. But it was so so worth it. *heartz*

Good world. I'm damn sleepy le. 48 hours surviving on 6 hours sleep. So not enough. =/