Pending heartache

Next Month is gpnna be a hellish sorta month. Looking forward to the 5th. The Vow will be out. And I promised myself I'll watch the movie on that day. And alone. =) Reviews will come after that..

... ...

Half a month more and it'll be time for the check up. How I wish you'll accompany me there but I do know it's never possible.

And this year. I've decided to leave Singapore during my birthday to save myself some heartache. It's time I learn to move on. No matter how much I wish you'll celebrate each year with me. It is never possible any more. I'm that insignificant random someone you'd met and will forget in time to come.

You've been someone I've loved with all my heart even though it may not be obvious. And since *her. I haven't hung onto someone so long.

Are you worth it? Till now I'll still say yes. But I know it's not meant to be. Not any more. And that kills me inside.

ok. on the mood for a movie spree. so here's a mixture of some old and new movies that i've been catching over the past 2 weeks or so..

watched this at home. super cute! hahaha. i love pixar! XD

caught this straight after cloudy with a chance of meatballs. and it really was good! and oh! did i mention i love pixar? =P

and then was supposed to watch this with *j but coz of the stupid review of profi plan. i caught it along after the cafe nabit. and no. it wasn't as good as what *j said. yes. there was a twist. but it wasn't that surprising lo. definitely not gonna buy that set of books. hmmmz.

this. this is a muz watch. *w. this movie is something you'd like. british romantic comedy. interesting concept. interesting story. *heartz heartz* i wanna go yemen too! =P

caught this juz yesterday and it wasn't as bad as as what i thought. but it wasn't that fantastic la..

next few movies i wanna catch: street dance 2. the vow. the lucky one. hee! and bel ami!!! hmmmz. time to find more time!

okies. time to go back home to sleep le. schedule done. left 1 more to adjust nia. okies. tatA!

i have been a lousy friend. a lousy boss. a lousy sister. a lousy me.

profit plan reprojection. meetings back to back. stretching from day to night. night to day. working shifts. training of new products. new equipments. supposed to meet *j for movie. tix bought. juz 1 say and there goes my plan. i ps a friend over numbers. i couldn't be there for alien. a powerpoint to rush through tonight. 1 meeting to hold later. 1 meeting to sit in and listen. a management schedule to do by thursday night.

once again. i feel lousy.

how many friends have i lost coz of work? but how many more have i gained from it? an ex crew of mine juz passed away i don't even have the time to walk over to the wake when i was juz a street away.

juz coz of work.

juz how much more muz i sacrifice? how long more can i hold on?

thursday is my off. and i don't care what happens. i am not going to reply any sms. watsapp. calls. fb msgs.

leave me alone.

this is the reason why travelling and good food and me time means so much to me. i cannot afford to lose myself in the process anymore.

i feel super fucked up.

=edited=

and as the assts and fms are partying the nights away. all the rms are slogging through the numbers.

so if you're an asst or fm. shut the fuck up if you think you are feeling stretched. i'll show you what's stretched.

Oil and water

"sometimes you 2 are like salt and water. Mixed well together and inseparable. At other times you guys are like oil and water. Totally not able to mix together." what an analogy. But I guess it's very true. And today was the oil and water day.

You know jolly well that I hate people discriminating other religion then stop pissing me off with your disrespect. It doesn't matter if I'm Muslim or not. It's the disrespect that I can't swallow. And yet you continue to think so highly of yourself and show such arrogance. Which part of you deserves my respect?

So I decided not to go and watch John Carter with you. Why should I watch with some disrespectful geek? I can do better things like staying at home and sleeping instead. (no doubt that I woke up hungry now. =/)

Arrghz. Pesky little brothers.

... ...

Was scrolling through fb and seeing photos of friend's travel pics and I realized juz how fortunate some people are. Business class on SQ. Staying at Grand Hyatt. And all these are paid for. All she needs to spend on is her own shopping. So when would I be as fortunate to take business class and stay at a 5 stay hotel that's paid for? =/

Yes. I do envy. But then come and think about it. At lease when I do travel. I may not be traveling on the best nor staying in the best. But traveling is all about the experience. No?

At least I pay for my own trips. And I go wherever and whenever time permits. And that is an experience in itself.

Looking forward to the trip to Tibet. Coz I'm asking if there's anyway I could fly over to Bhutan for a few days as well. And weighing it out. I may need to go in June rather than Nov and for that I would choose to go for this than a friend's wedding in Malaysia.

Next month's Penang trip is looming close. And then the Bangkok trip in May as well. =)

Oct have been set aside for my trip back to The Philippines. With my 2 mums and alien. Borocay. Palawan. Manila. And 1 other place. =)

... ...

If cash permits. I'll save up for the set of Lego town series for my own birthday. =) time to splurge on myself again! =D

Supposed to meet *x yest for supper. In the end rain!! So have to postpone. Sighz. Was so looking forward to the night out de lo. Ah well.

Ok. TatA. Going back to sleep now. =)

Sea

如果大海能够唤回曾经的爱，就让我用一身等待。

change: defined as to transform or convert.

a pic that was taken 8 years ago when she was someone who refused to wear skirts. dresses. despises heels and slippers. and to get her to wear something girly and dress up is like asking to commit suicide. so what prompted her to dress like that? coz she was playing truth or dare with a bunch back then at a friend's house. so when she said dare. the dare was to dress up in a gown and take pictures with the rest one by one. so imagine when in the bunch there was someone she had a crush on. gosh. what shyness. but yeah. she survived then. but still. it took her another 2 years before she started wearing denim skorts once in a blue moon. and when she did. the whole cohort would comment and smile. and it took her another 7 years more since then before she had the courage to wear skirts. tank tops. halter. short shorts. dresses. but still no make up. no heels.

8 years down the road. the girl has changed. no one is sure of the cause of the change. maybe she has grown up. maybe she has decided to move on. maybe she finally have the courage to do things she had never been able to.

take for example. sense of fashion has changed. and now she's able to walk alone and not feel like the whole world is staring. the ability to travel alone and enjoy the whole experience without having to care of the travel partner.

and so with a change comes transformation.

maybe the ugly duckling that once was has decided that it was time to turn into the swan that she was meant to be? and maybe one day.. juz one day. prince charming will come and sweep her off her feet.

and maybe by then. maybe she would've forgotten all about you and moved on..

... ...

her first pair of heels/boots. out of school needs. she certainly has grown up.. =)

super random. watched that show until cry like hell in the end. gosh. but that show was nice! =) if only i could have a star to call my own too... =)

anyways. john carter. caught this same movie twice in a week. hahaha! first was in imax 3d with *y. super super shiok! and damn good! love the ending muchie! XD 2nd time was when i went jb with alien. chili. 2 face friend and *y. hee! normal non-3d. but still good and enjoyable! maybe i should watch it a 3rd time later with bro if time allows! =)

kk. time for bed. need to wake up early later. meeting my hgw girls for lunch! miss time so much! =)

oh. and i'm a happy girl today! *x. will meet up soon! =P

to the one that shared with me a better part of my life: *y. happy birthday. hope you find that girl of your dreams soon! in the meantime let's juz stay like this kk? =)

letting go: defined as being able to release and move on.

there's always that someone in your life that you would need to let go some point or other in time. that someone whom you used to talk to everyday. sms daily. wake up to that morning msg smiling and fall asleep reading the good night wishes. that someone whom you'd think of every single second. every waking moment. and hoping to see in your dreams. you spend every moment you can together. and the days seems to stretch out endlessly. and then suddenly everything juz stops.

no more calls. no more sms. no more time spent together.

and all that was left was a broken heart. tears and memories.

you tried to pick the pieces up and find someone else to depend on. coz after all. you are a girl. and when a girl cries. it means she isn't able to hold in the all the pain and hurt any longer. someone else may enter the picture. someone who was able to let you forget all that pain and hurt temporarily. but weeks. months. years into that relationship. you realized you were lying to yourself. and to all those people out there. and also that person who was there for you.

there's a hurt that could be compared to losing someone. to see someone you love still loving someone else. that hurt cuts like knives. and there's nothing he can do but watch you walk away. back into the hurt.

but you were not walking back to him. you were walking back into memories. the memories and silly moments you shared. rereading the sms in the phone. reliving in the moments of bliss. and then you woke up to another day. alone.

it takes time to move on. it may be days. weeks. months. years. and no matter how long it takes. he will always be a part of you. and no matter how much you wish for things to be back to the past. it can no longer be possible. coz there's too much pain and heartache left behind. souring those sweet memories.

... ...

i always thought i was strong enough to move on from every failed relationship. but i ain't. i'm not as strong as i thought i was. i relived every moment i could. i was blinded and had no wish of healing.

... ...

you chose to let go after a while when you realized that it was a dead end you were running towards and all you were met with were brick walls. with no way out. and everytime when you feel that you've moved on. something will throw you back to where you once were. and it was from square one that you had to start all over from.

you crawl. you beg. you tried to stand up once again. but all failed. and in your life you have never failed at something as miserably as this. you feel like crying your heart out once again. but this time. there's no one there to pick you up. to hug you and tell you that all will be ok. no one. you are all alone.

and as you get older year after year. and you realized you haven't gotten over him. you think back more often. you think about the what ifs. the buts. and then you realized how stupid and dumb you really are and vowed to move on. but. you can't. you are like cemented to the ground. and no matter how much pushing. how much digging. there's no way you are moving.

... ...

travel is my escapade. to escape all these pain. all the memories. i travel to start new memories without you. i travel to discover. i travel to become independent. i travel to find back the me before you. and so my next big travel is to tibet. a world in its own. a place of peace. hoping to find myself again.

... ...

in the years of missing him. you lost yourself to the world. you are a lifeless body walking the earth. not sure what you wanted. or what you wanna do. you have no focus. no dreams. no motivation. and when he suddenly flashes back into your life. the tunnel seemed to have a light at the end of it. no matter how short term it may be.

it kept you happy for a couple of days. and everything went back to normal. you back to that lifeless crust. and he has no idea what he had juz done. you were crushed. and then you thought to yourself. the next time he appears. you would ignore him. but surprise surprise. you were unable to resist him every single time. juz what a loser you are. but like every other time. you promise yourself to resist him when he comes knocking on your door. and this time. this time round. you try your very best. and although you and i both know it'll hurt like hell. like the other times. with time. you'll get over the pain once again.

and slowly. a few years down the road when you do meet him. i hope you will be strong enough to say hi and walk off unhurt.

... ...

the best part of it all? not to meet or contact ever again. it'll hurt in the initial phase. but after some time. it'll become juz another memory. another scar. and probably i'll finally have the courage to move on.

Birthday

To you: happy birthday once again! May all your wishes come true and may you find your true love soon! =)

You

Inaparalleluniverseelsewhere. Ihopethatwehadthechancetobetogether. imissyouso.

Tibet again

Mummy I love you!! I'm going on my solo trip to Tibet in the next half of the year!! Yeahs!! Mummy approved also le!! Juz need to fix the dates for approval from my BC!! So so happy!! Tibet Tibet Tibet!! Tix bought!! So so happy!! *heartz*

Tibet

I WANNA GO TIBET!!!

SO SO SO WANNA GO. SPONSORS PLEASE! XD.

=edited=
Ok. I no need sponsors le. I juz need another 13 people who wanna go and activate the deal! And then I can go le! Mummy's letting me go solo! *heartz heartz*

ok. movie review times. been catching movies like eating my meals. so yeah. not in order of the sequence. but here goes.

the lorex. a super cute movie that i watched for the first time in imax 3d in lido. super shiok! coz i was sitting right in the middle and there was no one in the same row as me. the cartoons were super cute. hahaha. and it was so like despicable me. made me laugh! i want a bear too! =P

caught this in malaysia. a movie of history and the war. a bit draggy but something different from your usual movies and you juz feel for the horse and the pain it endures juz to survive.

caught this after hesitating for so long. and i have no regrets. a show that was like none other as well. of glenn close in the shoes of a man and falling for someone the same gender. maybe i'm confused myself. so i teared near the end of it all.

another show i love. caught it after the results of the academy awards. and it's part fantasy and part of a golden past. a wonderous story line that has you following closely. not wanting it to end. *heartz*

hahaha. an action comedy caught with alien. shark and *y. =)

caught this with bro. not as good as the first. sighz. but the boy inside was cute though. =P

this was the movie i caught in kl with the fellows. =D and it had us dizzy by the time the show ended. we were literally watching it through a 3rd person's point of view through the videocam. and it is a stupid show. period. only thing was the company that was good. =)

gonna catch john carter tmr in imax 3d again! so so excited! =D

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random.

i realized the first step is always the hardest. be it eating alone. travelling alone. or juz wandering around town alone. but after you start doing that. it all seems so normal. and you start realizing how many people out there shop alone and travel alone too. and it isn't that weird after all.

Super random

Went out randomly with *x that night. Juz coz of the pic I posted and coz he had a craving for that food. Been too long since I last did such a crazy thing. Leaving house at like 2am and on the leap year. =D and it was juz the 2 of us. Did feel a bit apprehensive. But it wasn't that bad. =)

Then coz I cannot tag him so posted my status as such. And he replied back on his wall to my status. *heartz*

And the best part? He tagged me yesterday with the food we ate that night. And then asked if I wanted to eat freshly baked muffins. When I asked where he tagged me of another pic with the muffins which he baked. Ha! Too bad it was chocolate chip only. I like raisins ones better. Ah well.

Yesterday he tagged me again with a link of good food. I guess if this goes on I'll grow fat in no time! =D

... ...

Went out with *j the whole evening yesterday. *heartz* meeting *y for movie this Thursday. I guess I'm really enjoying life.. No? =)

Alright. Time to sleep. Long brain wrecking day tmr. =(

So sad. Yarz right.

今天吃了炸药做工.

I flared up in the morning over the thoughtless cashiers from Jcube. Then I flared worst when the so smart RM pulled out all her managers for meeting during the peak periods while leaving her crew alone in the store. And I yelled at the crew also. Take 6 orders straight! Fuck la. Imagine how we had to run! Then never mind. That idiotic manager from Jcube and juz shifted my cashier out and replaced with his. So who's the shift and service manager now? No way am I going to hold my crew responsible for the shortage of $20! Best! Dinner peak sit inside and print things happily. 6 deep 3 counters no response. How on earth was he trained? Never mind. I helped kitchen. Jiahui counter. He helped counter but jammed up all the orders. Then I went out to help he went into my kitchen. In the end? No products came out. AT ALL. Useless gay. I has to shout at my crew to juz get him out of the line coz he wasn't helping at all!

Then what's the best part? My favorite daughter is on MC again! Wow! November was on Sunday closing. I covered from opening onwards. Today same. I covered from 8.30am till 11pm. "your sad story of fracturing your leg touch my heart". And again I need to sacrifice my time with my friends juz to cover your shit. Wow. Every 2 to 3 months you sure got MC. So next time. I'll say only one thing. "find your own replacement". Why should I be so nice and understanding when you are like this? And still can happy post photos on fb. Double wow! So maybe I should juz straight away shoot on fb.

Thank god *d asked me out for dinner juz now. Even though only for 1/2 hour. That was the one and only meal I had in the day.

Sometimes I think my temper is too good. I 忍. You dare piss me off later? Then you watch out. you dare tell me you MC later during overnight? I will act like I didn't see the msg or calls.

2 can play the same game can't they?

*w

If dreaming about you feels this good. Please continue to let me dream of you.

I dreamt of us like the old times. But then Mei Chun was also in the pic. Coz you asked to learn about coffee. =)

It's been too long. People and articles says when you someone appears in your dreams. It means the person was missing you. And when you dream of coffee. That you have feelings for that person.

Imissyou.

Mixed

Was running through my msgs that day when I realized a friend's birthday is coming up. And then received a msg this morning from NUH and the date of the checkup is upcoming as well.

It's an impending feeling. I know on the day of the birthday nothing will happen. And I'm kinda immune already I guess. But it's the checkup that has me feeling all jittery. Sighz.

I pray hard that the result would be fine. I really don't wanna go for the sugery. I've been eating in moderation and excercizing regularly. Juz a bit binged on drinking. *squintz my eyes shut and prayz* and again. I'm gonna go alone.