Reality

It's been a great start to the year. First before CNY Glenn swept all the awards in LWS and told me during my trip. And I remembered cursing and swearing in the room coz I was so so happy and so so proud.

And to end off Jan. Chili got the Gold Standard. Lancy got the Barista Idol. Yi Chin Outstanding Barista Leader. West Zone Most Engaging Zone. CM Best Overall McCafe 2011. And both my MS this month were good. Now only left my CE and GC efficiency.

But reality bites.

After getting that highest honour. It's time to prepare that people will pop by unannounced. And maintaining this standard is the toughest.

It's been a whirlwind of a day. With me cabbing down to Cine coz I was so afraid I'll miss the movie if I bus down from KAP.

And sometimes. I guess I really am stubborn. Juz coz of a sentence someone posted. An event I was supposed to go I put myself not attending. Then that person called me to ask where I was and why was I not there. Well. In the first place you already said it so clear. Then why should I go? I'd rather spend time alone! And furthermore both of them were there. It doesn't mean that coz I've moved on I can stand being in the same room as both of them. One or the other's fine. I can respond. Both together? You might as well plunge a knife through and through.

Been spending more and more me time these days. Probably a good change. And after my upcoming trip. It'll be time to date *p out for some badminton and *j for more sporty stuff. =)

the one and only reason i am still awake at this point in time? coz i want to upload the pics of the mccafe star awards 2011! =) it's come to an end. and a beautiful ending it was. 真的是为生为死为了人.

chili: congrats on your Gold Standard award!

lancy: congrats on your barista idol award!

yi chin: congrats on your outstanding barista leader award!

west zone: congrats on your most engaging zone award!

and lastly. baby CM.

congrats on being the overall best mccafe for 2011! i love you to bits! *heartz*

i love the bear. i love the award. so much hard work. so much tears. so much nagging. so much pain. and it's all worth it. totally.

i so wanted to share the news with you. but i can't face any rejection. and i don't think you'll even care.

no one knows how much this award means to me. that it's a prove that i can do it. that WE can do it. that being new doesn't mean i can't do a lot of things. and the 1 thing that this award has spurred me on to do? i want that award for myself by the end of 2012. if i can do it on a small scale. why not a bigger scale? if all goes according to their plan. i only have this year to chiong for what i want. that other award. and that i only have this year to 'play' in mccafe. and when next year begins it's a whole new story.

maybe i don't wanna go for the UAP degree and study any more.

there's no motivation at the end of it all. unless there's that one that i want.

been a long day. gonna sleep hugging the awards before the alcohol kicks in completely. good night loves! =)

and so i went and caught 2 movies on my own today. juz coz they were nominated for the oscars i wanted to see for myself how good they really were.

1st one was the descendants with george clooney. a show about love. loss and betrayal. of how people due with loss and betrayal. of how family ties do last. no matter how much you may hate each other to the guts. and yeah. the view of hawaii was beautiful. i can still recall the scene when they stood on the hilltop and look down the sea. the scene of the house that has that beautiful grounds and tree juz right in front. a place i could lose myself in all over again. =) worth the watch.

my week with marilyn followed juz 45 mins later. and this is more of a arthouse film. even the audience were mainly ang mohs and in the age group of late 30s to 40s? but i was transported to a set that was set like back in the 60s? old school charm. and michelle williams brought marilyn alive for me. i never was a fan of marilyn. but it was an insight to someone that was that famous. beautiful scenery as well. of the countryside and an old world charm. *heartz*

then went over to holland v coz i was craving for crystal jade and sat down doing my schedule and completed it before coming back. now back was juz to send the email out. =)

... ...

took a cab home and was chatting with the uncle and he was saying it was his first time picking up a lone passenger from holland v coz usually people leaves in packs. hahaha. then i told him i was alone the whole day and he seemed super surprised. well. i wasn't dressed to kill. i was juz trying to spend some time alone with my thoughts. =)

... ...

it's interesting how distance apart changes people. and how much my thinking has changed. it's only been a week odd since i came back from my trip but i've fallen back into my usual routine already. faster than i ever had. maybe it was the wifi there that kept me grounded. and with this fall into the usual routine. a lot of thoughts have been running through my head and a lot of emotions pushed far back. ... ... or maybe they weren't even there to start with?

it's interesting how late at night thoughts wander and i had supper with alien that day after work and we were catching up. of how things have changed. of how feelings have faded. and of how i had forgiven and moved on. i refuse to go into contact with some certain people as much as i want to. reason coz i don't wanna get myself into another mess that i had to crawl out from. some people are best forgotten. some are best forgiven. and others are best as friends (as long as both knows and have clarified all things).

seriously. i don't want feb 2013 to come now i guess. coz i juz want to leave it as that. i do believe that time and distance can cause people to drift apart and selfishly. i'm praying hard that that's the case. i am happy where i am now. single. no commitments. leaving when i like. coming when i please. i haven't felt at peace with myself for so very long.

i used to think about this person and that person and whoever that catches my attention. yet with every month that pass. every year i step into. i think and react differently. yes. it's nice when there's someone there at the end of the day. but when there's no one you juz have to be strong and move on. time doesn't wait. come and think about it. i'm gonna hit the big 3-0 in another 4 years' time. 说长不长，说短不短. 4 years and a hell lot of things can happen. it's barely a month into 2012 and things have been happening. i don't know if i should be happy that my life's so fulfilling or cry coz there's still no one on the horizon.

truly? i think i really have locked it too hard. all the memories. all the what-ifs. of course it's all juz a silly dream and no one else comes close. but all dreams will burst one day won't they? do i want that day to come? i am still in denial. am i not?

a series of questions. but no answers.

a series of thoughts. but going nowhere.

why do i keep reminiscing. hmmmz. maybe coz i didn't drink? hahaha. maybe this's all juz a dream.

'can we pretend that airplanes

in the night sky are like shooting stars?

i could really use a wish right now

wish right now wish right now'

but then what i wish for? for things to start afresh? for me not to make those silly mistakes? for me to hold on tight?

i guess no matter what i wish for nothing would happen. things will juz stay the way they are. and i should be happy the way it is i guess. ah well.

time for bed. another super long day tmr. tatA.

=i loved you. and i guess i still love you?= random-ness. =)

The arts

Gonna think of some way to catch those 2 movies tmr night and 1 more on tues. =P then there's an art exhibition I wanna go too. Hmmmz.

Schedule's gonna be packed! Let's see.

Tonight overnight. Tmr I wanna catch those 2 movies. Mon cafe star awards. Tues after meeting wanna go catch the other movie and see if I can squeeze in the art exhibition. Wed to Sat working. Sun is my zoo safari run! =D Mon reunion dinner with my ex cck4 team after work. And the Tues and Wed is a short trip to KL for the McCafe and maybe some pin shopping? =P

Random random I know! =D

难道这一切真的只是我的回忆吗? Have I really locked you so deep in my heart that no one else ever comes close?

You again

Have been chatting with *n everyday since I'm back and sadly somehow. I've waking up as per my travel time. 4 or 5am daily. Hmmmz. When can I get back to my normal sleeping habits? Sighz.

I thought I knew what I wanted when I was in Cebu.
I thought I knew what I wanted to let go when I was back home.
I thought I knew myself and my heart well enough.
I thought I knew that I really wanted Feb 2013 to come fast.
I thought I knew how to survive till then.

But when some thing happened. I guessed it threw me off my guard. I didn't know how I was to react. How I was to response. If the response would suffice.

Then I started thinking twice.

Do I really want Feb 2013 to come? Do I really?

In a way. Subconsciously. No. I don't I'm ready to let go totally yet. I've still much to achieve this year. And coz now of my brazil 2014 goal. I don't know if I should take up the degree when the applications open. Hmmmz.

Guess I'll think about it only when it happens ba.. =)

i never did manage to catch a sunrise coz i usually wake up after the sun is up. =P and a sunset? always in a moving vehicle. but this. this was one of the most beautiful sunset that i've seen in a long time. and i love the expansiveness of it all. and yes. all photos i took are uploaded without ever photoshopping. i enjoy seeing the originality of it. =)

my attempt when being coerced into drinking red horse by the bottles on my 3rd night in cebu. i had friends who told me it was like having a horse kicking you in the mouth. and that explains my fear in trying. no? in the end i took a sip. and i fell in love straight away. *heartz* it was like what *n said. drinking water. no kick. no pain. and i easily down 2 on that night followed by another tanduay ice. =) and i had red horse another couple of times when i was in cebu. together with my first shot of tequila neat. and like what danilo told me. what i missed wasn't the beer. it was the company i was with whom i bonded with over that period of drinking. and yes. that's true. i can get red horse at certain niche areas in singapore. but i'm not going to be able to find *n out for a drink whenever i want to.

in bantayan island was where i experienced the joy of being a pillion again. and yes. it's 3 on a bike. without helmets again. i've always loved being a pillion. and the last time i sat on one. i think it's ah pang's super 4. he picked me up from the office and i remember seeing nick and his gang standing outside smoking and the way he looked at me was like 'huh? you know how to get up a bike?' heyz come on. it doesn't take a genius to figure how to be juz a pillion does it? i've alwayz loved the breeze on my face. loved the closeness of the scenery. and most of all. the closeness to the rider.

and we island hopped to the virgin island that was privately owned and spent a great deal of a morning there chilling. he drank with the guys and i juz sat aside and let my thoughts wonder. it's been the best beach i've ever been to. every single photo i took. it's all postcard perfect. and it's been my happiest in a long time. nothing beats putting me at a beach with powdery white sand. clear waters and a sun that beats down rentlessly. i love my beach. and i've alwayz been a water baby. that i know for sure.

this is why i wanna extend till forever. why i left my heart in cebu. in the beauty of bantayan islands.

and *n. salamat. without you being my guide for the 8 days. as my chef. my drinking buddy. my translator. and for the things you did. salamat. it all meant a lot to me.

no matter how much i enjoyed a country. a trip. i have never cried as i was leaving. but this time. this time was different.

i seemed to have lost my nerves of steel. my stone cold heart seems to have been thwarted by the warmth of the place. the people. i cried on my last night in *n's house. i cried on my last night in bantayan island. i cried as i was boarding the plane. coz there's so much that i'll miss.

there wasn't gonna be a perfect sunset for me. not after witnessing the beauty of philippines.

there wasn't gonna be a perfect drinking session for me. not after leaving *n and coming home.

there wasn't gonna be a perfect beach. let alone perfect destination. not after the virgin islands.

there wasn't gonna be a perfect night. not after the nights i spent in cebu.

there wasn't gonna be anymore perfect. and i want nothing short of perfect.

we made a pact. that if all goes according to plan. we'll meet 3 years later. in alaska. after my brazil. after he settles his work. and maybe by then a clearer decision would have been reached.

maybe by then the distance of 1510 miles would not matter anymore. maybe by then garaygay would not be this hard for me to pronounce. maybe by then. everything would have changed.

Let go

傻傻的我. 我真的能放下你吗?

I would love to put down the rock that's been holding me back for the longest time ever. But do I want to? Am I willing to give up everything and delete you from my life completely?

I travelled half a continent and found something so genuine. So pure. Yet I told myself. I'm still not ready for a relationship. As long this rock is not put down there's no way that I can accept another person coming into my life.

It's gonna break my heart leaving this place. I'm gonna leave my half my heart here. And when it's time for me to visit again 3 years later. It should be Alaska then. That's the promise. Whether it'll come true will be another thing.

Another 11 hours and I'll back in Singapore. Back to reality. *heart breakz*

God!

God! This CANNOT be happening!!! I hate the alcohol in me! =/

... ...

Do I? Really?

=edited=
Screwed. Waaaay screwed.

And I'm still wide awake. Damn.

=edited edited=
A fitful sleep. I was kept thinking and replaying the event in my head.

Again. Screwed. Way screwed. =/

Slacking

Drinking now while surfing the net and tv. Hahaha. Am I high? Nahz. Not yet. =P but itchy itchy! I have sweet sweet blood! So many mosquitoes.. =/

Super enjoying this trip thus far. Definitely. =D good food. Rest. Sleeping for 10h and more daily. XD piggy me! XD

Anyways. Been eating all the Pinoy food and street food and some western. Drinking yest and today. =P

Tmr will be Sinulog. Long day out! Festival and fun! XD more photo taking! XD mon will be rest day. Tues and Wed heading out to Bantanyan islands for overnight stay and probably some island hopping too. =D then thurs back in Cebu and then heading home already. Sighz.

8 days will pass so fast! =(

Going back and then it'll be work on fri for that few hours. Then sun closing shift. Sat mon and tue I'll be off! XD

Fuck buddy

Here in Cebu and enjoying myself touring the city. Drinking. Eating. Now having a short day resting at Gino's place. Tmr will be a long day in Cebu with the Sinulog festival ongoing! XD

Was drinking yesterday and was randomly thinking about the past few movies I've been watching and thinking about the term fuck buddy.

So what does that actually mean? Izzit possible to have a fuck buddy without any emotions tied to it? Hmmmz. I know I know. Super random. Super un-doable. Hahaha.

Anyways. Gonna enjoy the tv while I can now! Gonna turn in early later for an early start tmr! XD I think... If there's no red horse that is! XD

Airport

Sitting here at the budget terminal once again reminded me juz how long ago I was here. Was with line on the trip to hk and macau. =)

Again traveling alone and Gino's gonna be picking me up later. =) flight's at midnight so I'll check in at 11pm ba. Coz the queue's super long now. lll-.- and at budget terminal there's nothing much you can do ba. Nothing to see also.

And so I plopped myself in Mac with a fries. Hot tea with maple syrup. And of course a book. No papers unlike the old times. =)

Another 2 books in my luggage coz Gino's gonna bring me island hopping and I foresee a lot of me time. =) told my mum I may come back with a scuba diving license if possible. Let's see how it goes ba. =)

4th trip alone. 1st was to luang prabang to meet Sir Liang. 2nd to bintan meeting no one. 3rd to malacca meeting no one. 4th to cebu meeting Gino. =)

And as the norm. No one to send me off. =)

Time to get back to my book! =D

*i love my travel bug*

*her

To you: happy birthday.

It's been 5 years since that last conversation we had. 5 years since that 'bedtime story'. 5 years since you decided to step out of my life without a goodbye. 5 years since I last wished you happy birthday.

I hope you are happy now. I hope you've walked out of the darkness. I hope that you've never looked back since.

Yet I wish you remembered the dream of New York City at Christmas. Of that ice skating rink. Of how everything would come a complete circle then.

I still miss you sometimes. I guess more time would be needed to forget you.

But you. You'll always be the one I spent 6 years thinking of day and night. And it's gonna take at least double that number of years for me to forget you.

What wouldn't I give for a chance I would never have again.

犯贱

原来我也有那么犯贱的一刻.

Whenever I was treated like 宝. I never did appreciate it. Yet when the other party 忽冷忽热. I fall in head over heels. I didn't seem to quite realize this. Until the conversation over dinner juz now. Of how contracditing I was to myself.

On one hand. I can't wait to settle down and be in a stable relationship. On the other hand. I dread the thought of having to face the same person day in and day out for the next 60 years. That thought freaks me out totally.

I was this close to msging *him to ask him out for supper. Why? I don't know either. 贱 rightz?? Sighz. Probably heng I didn't.

And then I heard about another married couple where the guy is going take another of my friend as a second wife. Best part? I know all 3 of them. Married couple's Malay. The second wife a Chinese. Gosh. Will it come true? I don't know.

I saw a couple of super 4s by the pavement juz now and I juz got reminded of you and you. Hmmmz. It's been almost a year and more for the other. Yet...?

*he msg me that day. After he saw the photo of my burnt hand. A happy moment I would think. And again I would say. 犯贱.

Breakups

Interesting how a post can make one starts to wonder.

It was only till the end of last year on new year's eve that I thought back to my 2011. And how I survives through it alone. Yes. No doubt there are friends and family around. But for the longest time since after *g. This's the next longer I've been alone without having much on my mind. I wondered how I could have done it and am still wondering. Probably work has been really keeping me busy and prevented me from thinking. Only during me-times like these at night do my mind start wondering. And probably the book I'm reading's not helping. =P

But anyways. My mummy was quite random over lunch juz now. She asked me to buy a calling card in Cebu and call her. lll-.- first time ever in my life that I'm travelling and she says this. Hmmmz. Worried that I may get kidnapped or come back with surprising news? =P

Nahz. I'm a good girl. Going over to meet Gino for Sinulog and will be back for CNY. A tad rush. But I do need this break. I survive on holidays. =P and this's the longest I'll be away. 8 days. And in the same place.

Maybe when I'm there I'll be able to think straight. Feel straight. And let go of whatever unhappiness I may be holding on now. =)

Random post as usual. And time for bed. These 3 days of off have been fully utilized for me-time and work. Yes yes. I know working on off days are unhealthy. But I don't have a choice ah. I'll manage from here la.

And as much as I would love to think that time heals all wounds and 1 year would have been long enough for the healing. ... ... I think I need more time. Hmmmz.

=edited=
I think I very jian also. People keep texting me I find it irritating. As in. A person I used to crush on. Yet when the person don't text me I curse and swear at the person.

Sighz.

How to be in a relationship like this? Never ready! XD

the preview of this looked awesome and intriguing. so went with *j to watch. i like the effects in the show. predictable storyline. but the one thing that screws it up? the ending. like wtf? sighz.

been taking rockets and jet planes and first class aeroplanes this few days. =) but super proud of what i can achieve if i do put my mind and heart to it. =D

counting down to the trip! 4 days more!! XD

Selfish

I wonder if I did the right thing.
I wonder if my train of thought is right.
I wonder if my planning will work out as planned.
I wonder if I can hold this focus and momentum for the year.
I wonder if I can prove everyone juz how wrong they are about my store.

Stop wondering Yixiu. Make a plan. Execute. Follow up.

If you fail to plan. You plan to fail.

No more failures this year. I will prove all of you wrong.

hmmmz. so my heart is telling me to go brazil in 2014! =D

have been having weird dreams about work and stuff these 2 nights. hmmmz. made me think think think. and so i've really decided to work differently. no more procrastination! =)

and then there was that weird dream that past week that left me confused and disturbed when woken. but then i guess all of it was answered. so yeah. i'm happy! =) no more reading between the lines. my life can only get better. and i'll do juz fine. =) encouraging interpretation of a dream! XD

read this off jason's fb and i thought it made sense. so yeah. being up at this time trying to clear up my stuff means being bad to my body! ="(

and i've finally set my resolutions to myself this year:

1) take good care of my body.

2) spend more time with my family and myself. =P

3) exercise more.

4) manage store differently.

5) save money for brazil 2014!! XD

so far so good ba. =) i'll jiayou and by doing that. i'll start with getting sufficient rest each day and be good to myself. time to sleep! the medication is kicking in again! XD tatA world!

Cough cough cough

Cough die me le la. From dry cough I drink too much liang teh till I'm having wet cough le. Gonna have some abs soon! XD

Haven't been so sick in so long. And again I refuse to see a doc. =P the last time someone managed to persuade me to see a doc was like how many years back? =P and that was coz that fellow accompanied me to see the doc ma. *heartz*

March's coming soon. 2 more months and it's time to go back for my check up at NUH again le. I wonder if the 'friends' are till there. Recently felt a bit of pain. But still not too bad. =/ I pray that either they have disappeared or grown smaller or worse come to worse. Don't grow any bigger. Me no want surgery yeah?

Kk. Knocked out in the bus juz now. Time to get my ass to bed already. Overnight on new year's eve was hell. Left store on new year's day afternoon. And was back in the evening to clear up some inventory monthend stuff. Sighz. So so sleepy! Then today was morning shift again. Okok. Don't nag kk. I know I'm overworking myself again. Especially when I know I'm sick. How I wish I could sleep in the whole day. Tmr another long day. Sighz.

Countdown: 10 days more to go! *looking super forward* 8 days of peace and me-time! =D Gino's gonna accompany me throughout the 8 days! Yeah! Waterfalls on the first day I reach! XD

Happy new year

Happy new year! *in that hoarse and sexy voice of mine* =D

Time for bed after a long overnight shift yesterday trying to clear the stuff. =) the dry cough has now officially become a wet cough. And it's counting down to my trip! XD