当你迷失自己的时候，回到原点，回想起当初的热忱。

can i really look back and find back that passion i have?

had a bad morning. supposed to have a good sleep after applying the the 'melt away stress lotion'. in the end i had the worse kinda sleep ever. tossing and turning was not enough. i had to have nightmares and recurring dreams that plagued my waking moments in between. it was fitful. and it was frightful.

then there were the emails i read. the msgs and calls that came through. it totally spoilt my morning. and juz as i thought things couldn't get any worse. it did. a close friend msged me and told me he's resigning this monthend. and what made him disappointed was the way the BC conducted the exit interview. no doubt he may not be the best but he's someone who also gave a lot to the company.

we all started way back. him longer than me. but this's the treatment he got. for me? there's so much expectations and changes that sometimes i really do feel like giving up.

like today. my limit is almost maxed out. and i really feel like giving up already. no doubt the people are the ones who kept me here. but the people are also the ones pushing me away.

'settle the future you really want. if mac can't give you the opportunities that you want. then go ahead... it's also good to try out new things. juz don't feel and regret will do. after all. you've been in this line. this company for years. i believe you ave that ability to conquer all the expectations. that's why you are still here. hanging on. be it the system. the people or the environment. worth it or not. it's still up to you to think and recall. recall all the good and bad times. how much life experience you gain. go with your heart...'

maybe i really should spend today thinking what i really want. no doubt i still have my goals that i want to achieve in the 5 years. but what will i do once i achieve? leave or stay?

and i start thinking... ...

*j. thank you. for juz being there.

a post dedicated to dearest ah pang. =)

been out since fri till sun. fri was at the zoo. sat was out drinking and pubbing with ah pang. alien. kwang wei. hubert. dusty. girlfriend. and ah pang's other friends. sun was at les's baby girl's baby shower.

sat was ah pang's birthday and man was he crazy! =) drinking flaming lambo. waterfall. shots. beers. and getting everyone to kiss him. guys and girls alike and juz as the night was ending there was a group of ang mos who came in and partied. and we all got high together. credits to the band coz the songs they played were FANTASTIC!! =D

anyways. it's been great working with ah pang during the times i was at cck4. not much chances but i always remember the open doors we do. and how his housekeeping is superb. =) and how we were polishing stainless steel at DK1 and DK2 and swearing at the air con exhaust. =)

we were never close in the sense of hanging out together after work in cck4. and we talk only coz of bikes. that was the only common topic back then. it was somewhere near when i was transferring out that we realized we both like good food. so after transferring out we met more often. at least once a month? to find good food. try this and that. and we went drinking together. and somehow bonded somewhat over food. drinks and bikes. =)

ah pang: first night in camp. hope everything goes well for you yarz? and i wanna see your botak photo la! and we'll plan to meet again once you're settled down ok? take care. and we'll all miss your craziness and laughter! *hugz*

I think I am seriously getting my own ass in trouble. Coz I think I've fallen her. Not good not good!! My alien says she love too much so she is going to smack me awake lo! =P

Been out the whole day today. To the zoo. Then came over cck4 coz boss was around and we chatted for quite a bit. After which we went for dinner. =) I miss working with my boss very much. =( then went to walk around a bit before catching rise of the planet of the apes alone. Freezing cold lo! Shaking all over!! =/ then came down and now waiting for alien to end work lo. =)

... ...

But really. I didn't expect to fall for you this fast. No doubt all along I found you cute but coz we don't really meet. So I kept it at that. And coz I'm not sure what are you. Although like what Shasha said. Our gay-dar picked up vibes that were interesting la. So yarz.

I hope I don't go back to where I was 7 years back. But if it does happens. I'm not about to stop it either. Maybe it's been some time since I had someone there for me. And maybe all I need is juz someone to be there for me unconditionally.

And suddenly. Ijuzmissyou. =/

But I'm looking forward to the next meet up which I hope will happen. *wishez*

Peeves

If you don't mean to keep your promise. Then don't make any commitments. I'm someone who hold you to your words. And I hate people who do not keep to their promises. If you promise to be there. Then you should be. I don't like to be pang sae at all. If you know you can't keep to it. Shut the fuck up. Don't keep me hoping. I hate disappointments.

You juz ended my day on a sour note. And I hate you for it. Whether it'll affect my mood tmr. You better pray it doesn't. Tiredness plus annoyance doesn't add up too good.

was blog surfing and saw how leigh was documenting her travels when she looked back to the past. true that i may not have travelled to a lot of places. neither did i travel very far (money is a restriction. so is time.) but looking back i did travel a fair bit. some which photos i will not put here coz of some personal reasons.

i'll backtrack. starting from my most recent trip.

malacca. a yearly 'pilgrimage' for me. cheap. and a rustic feel of the place was what attracts me to it every single year without fail.

phuket. the sun. the sea. the beach. and major shopping! should be heading back in a few years' time. hoping to catch some muay thai action! =P

2nd trip alone! bintan! super enjoyable. =D

my 1st (and last!) trip with mummy! was super cold and simply freezing my toes off. but nonetheless. a good place to do major major shoe shopping! =D

my 1st team bonding in JB.

a place i will be 5 months down the road. =) cebu. leave applied. tickets booked. it's a beautiful place. =)

manila for RLP. and one of my proudest moments in mac. the team leader award. =)

tokyo disneyland. a place of wonderful memories. and no other theme parks can match up to it. =)

a great day to be at the foot of mount fuji. =)

from nagoya to mt fuji...? on the bullet train...

can't remember which part of central japan. but think it was in nagoya.

sushi chef from kyoto! =D

my first universal studio in osaka! =D

batu ferringi in penang. =) my first look at parasailing. that got me thinking 2 years down the road before i did it. =)

many many fond memories of luang prabang! mahout. water hole. sunset. sitting on a bike without helmet. first trip alone. =)

bangkok with lover. =)

batam for shopping!

1st trip to batam. won't be long before i am back! =D

my 1st disneyland. hong kong. =)

staying in the venetian in macau made line and i felt like super pampered princesses. =)

malacca. =)

1st trip to taipei! =D

hualien. love the fresh air. the cool winds. the natural beauty of it all.

kl. the aquarium! =)

genting. a place where the weather and i disagree. but i still had fun. =)

healthy living in desaru.

2nd trip overseas. bintan! =D

1st overseas trip. cameron and kl! =D

the trips i left out were my very weekly (at a period in time) trips to JB and pontian. and the trip to tioman and kukup.

... ...

sometimes i reflect back and i wonder if all that i did was right. by travelling it really was an eye opener. and the moments where i lose myself in thought in those foreign land. it really made me think hard about what i really want and what life is all about.

and so next year's 1 trip's confirmed. 1 in the midst of planning. the other half confirmed. so left 2 more to plan for and 1 RMC to look forward to.

before this year is up. i've another trip to brisbane with my sisters and i've extended 1 more day there. hopefully all goes well and i'm able to enjoy. =)

... ...

*j msged me again this morning. surprisingly. and we're meeting up on my one of my last off day of the month to go out! gosh! =) it's a sudden decision but i am still surprised that she said ok. i don't know how it'll all goes. coz come and think about it... hmmmz.

i've known her for almost 2 years no doubt. friends on fb for 11/2 years. the number of times we really meet up and talk for more than 15 mins? 3 times. hahaha. so it is really surprising that we actually decided to go out. i don't know if she'll call any of her kakis along. but yeah. =)

interesting how 'flexible' i am. or in more crude way. how bi i am. it's been sometime since i felt anything for any guy. probably coz there juz isn't any out there at this moment. hmmmz.

*digressez* actually today got a bit of fee-ling la. this guy i met at the exsa. =P especially when we were in the same discussion group and both of us and another 2 of them were very vocal. =P and then there was that role play on wine and he had to act as a customer. so he asked the facilitator to let him have a 'girlfriend' and that was me. hahaha. and then we were making things difficult for the 'manager' demanding for this and that. =P after the workshop we juz chatted a while outside the room and got to know where we each work. hmmmz. =P *digressez*

anyways. that's that la. usually after the exsa class we won't see any of each other unless we are in the same company. so yeah.

back to *j. i don't know if she's straight or not. coz looking at her and her pics very hard to tell ah. but somehow or other. she reminded me much of *her. i'd hate to fall into the same rut again. but if it happens. i won't stop it either. coz maybe something may go right this time. i'll never know.

then i thought of *d. and how of it all is for him and how much he has to hide. i mean. when the 2 of us or even with another friend is out. there's nothing to hide. that other friend is married already but doesn't mind both of us. so it feels good when you can juz let it all out and there's no one to judge you by your words or actions.

i don't know how this story will end. (most likely with a broken heart. =/) but i've learnt not to put too much hope anymore coz hoping will juz gets me disappointed faster.

time for bed. wan an. =)

=edited=

looking forward to at least 4 more events before the month ends. sat's ah pang's birthday celebration. sun's les's baby girl's full month. 1 day to meet eve. 1 day to meet *j. =D

Interesting turn of events

It's been an interesting turn of events for me today. Or rather late yest till now.

Yest went out with *y for dinner and then bought my mummy her tv. =D but before *y got down from the cab he passed me the thing he bought almost 2 years back?!? Was super touched but kinda angry coz it muz have cost him a bomb and I don't like that feeling. =/ but all the same. *y. Thank you. =)

Then *b msg me while I was fixing the tv with my mummy to ask if I'm home coz he was around the area. I was like 'wtf!?!' so I never reply la. =P

Then I posted on fb that status yest night. About missing someone all of a sudden.

This morning I went for accountability session. =/ and in between I thought I saw a watsapp msg from someone. Then I told myself it can't be. Should be my TFM name that I saw. Coz it's juz a quick glance ma.

Then when after the session I checked the watsapp that it was really who it was. It really came as a shock to me that after so many months. I thought you would have stopped reading my blog. Especially after the last 'conversation' we had. But in a way I was touched too. Coz whatever was the reason that prompted you to do it. You read. And yeah. I really don't like *him. That's why I always get so defensive when you start teasing me about *him. So now you know the reason.

Then went for the CRM session at WCP. Bussed home and slept on the bus. Tired out. Was about to cross the road when *j smacked me on my arm. Out of so many friends she's the only one who will do that ba. Had a good chat with her although actually we don't really know each other. and she made me think of *her.

Damn. Would I end up like the past?? I hope nothing bad comes out of this! *crossez fingerz*

Cry

有時候哭泣不是因為難過。有一些東西錯過了，就一輩子錯過了。人是會變的，守住一個不變的承諾，卻守不住一顆善變的心。
有時候執著是一種負擔，放棄是一種解脫，人沒有完美，幸福沒有一百分，知道自己沒有能力一次擁有那麼多，也沒有權力要求那麼多，否則苦了自己，也為難了對方。
一顆心屬於一個人，愛情裡什麼是公平？愛的深，傷的深，愛情裡沒有不公平。愛上不該愛的人，是永無天日的嘆息，愛了不愛你的人，是眼淚決堤的開始。
承諾是一張白紙，再厚的劇本也有了結局，我想我知道眼淚的味道，就算付出每一分，每一秒我都不曾想逃。在這個世界上沒有恆久的幸福，只有瞬間的愜意和安適。
也許無言才是最好的安慰，也許回憶是最好的結局，傻瓜也都一樣，都逃不過悲傷，因為有夢在心上，所以甘心流浪。有些緣分注定要失去，有些緣分注定不會有好結果的，愛一個人不一定要擁有他，但擁有一個人，一定要去好好愛他，不要輕言放棄，否則對不起自己。
不要因為沒有陽光，而不走進春天。不要因為沒有歌聲，而放棄自己的追求，不要因為沒有掌聲，而丟掉自己的理想，其實每一條都通往陽光的大道，都充滿坎坷。每一條通向理想的途徑，都充滿了艱辛與汗水！
很多事情的發展注定有個結束，好好享受美麗的過程，擦身而過的時候，我們應該學會遺忘，放聲的笑一回，大膽的哭一場，抬頭望一望，一片燦爛的陽光，相信時間可以改變一切！不要輕易讓自己掉眼淚。
春有春的風情，夏有夏的烈艷，秋有秋的素潔，冬有冬的雅致，人生各有各的美麗，各有各的瀟灑，你笑，全世界跟著你笑。你哭，全世界只有你一個人哭。當不能擁有時，唯一能做的就是令自己要忘記。

a few random pics. a few minutes to reflect back.

went phuket with mum a few weeks back. was a great trip. in terms of shopping and lazing around. =D and not so good coz of the burns that i came back with. =/ now body and arms ok le. legs still peeling somewhat. especially since i went for the foot massage yest. =/

headed down to malacca after 1 week back at work with *y. main aim was juz to chill and walk around and let loose. i had my worries of course. but it was all unfounded fears. so yeah. even managed to catch captain america there. =) it's gonna be a yearly 'pilgrimage' for me somewhat. =)

had management meeting at KAP with the team yesterday before heading over to coro for foot massage. and coz the team has never been to the railway and yet we were so near. we went up and snapped a few pics. =)

and today was the steamboat-xiao-long-bao session with ah pang. alien and devil. and had a spontaneous round of drinks. and ah pang made my day. coz he promised to pick me up from KAP today. and he really did. i'm not sure how a promised bike ride could make me so happy. but it did. =) or maybe it's that notion of someone picking me up that i am more happy about? =/ dinner was ok. and it made me think back on those days spent in cck4 and the makan sessions we will all go. to rasa istimewa. to fajar. to pizza hut. to food court. to pastamania. to 302. to csp. i miss those times very much. suddenly. =/

'sometimes it's the things left unsaid that makes me think. sometimes when a girl asks a particular question is coz they wanna hear the answer to it. and if the girl really love the guy that much. as long as the guy says it. the girl will do anything juz to make the guy happy.'

and it made me think. was the decision made today really such a wise one? and flipping through some past documents made me think and the tears juz rolled down silently. and i realized how much i've been through and how much i've put myself through these few years. and how promises were made yet broken.

i felt the pain. the sadness when i had to let go. or when i felt i had become someone else's burden. and that's what got me thinking. is that the reason i'm staying single for now? and the reason why i've been doing things on my own. going places alone?

my mum thought when i said i went to watch the fireworks at ndp i was with my beloved and gang. so she was surprised when i was all by myself. and i told her my first country that i'll be travelling to next year. on my own again no less. this time round she was less against it. and probably coz someone will be at the other side waiting. but of course exploring around is another thing.

probably the excuse of having no time is the lamest and the one that i have come to detest much. sometimes. i think i should learn from the show meile jiayou. of what yilie says. 'be yourself. don't give in juz coz you want to please the other party.' sad but true. maybe i'm lost somewhere in between. i don't know what i should do. what i like. what i don't. maybe all along i was out there trying to please the other party. and that has taken a toll on me. it's a scary thought when i don't know who i was. or what i will really be like in a relationship. but i'll never have the chance to find out coz i know i am not ready anymore. and perhaps never will be. there's no guy in the right state of mind out there that will commit to such relationship with a girl like me. when all you all see are how capable i may be. how strong-willed and independent. yet no one sees the little girl in me. who is juz willing someone to come forth and pamper me. to take care of me. or perhaps it's another case that i'm sending out these signals to keep me away from all the hurt and pain that i may end up with again. i am selfish nowadays. that much i know.

it's the warmth and security when i lie next to you that i miss the most. the feeling of you cong-ing me. of using those stolen moments to pei me as much as you can. for not gaming or bathing until you are sure that i have fallen asleep coz you didn't want me to feel neglected or abandoned. those were the times i miss the most. coz you were the one who gave me the most of your time.

i don't know if those were really your heartfelt words. but to me. those are good enough. coz they tide me over the darkest days in my life and make me look forward to the next time that we will be meeting. and it's juz small gestures like these that made me miss you all the more. not healthy i know. but once in while i juz reminisce about the past we shared. don't mind me please. but i doubt you're reading my blog anymore.

i'll be perfectly fine after a good night's rest. it's juz that this time of the night is when i usually emo. and it's been very long since i last did that.

but to that someone out there if you are still reading my blog. thank you for all those times. i know we are on very awkward terms now. i don't mind talking to you and all. but i juz feel something is holding you back somehow. i'm sorry.

'coz every night i am talking to the moon...'

Gemini

双子座

双子很容易便对一个人产生感觉。坠入情网对她们来说，是家常便饭。她们不会计较情人的内在条件，却很在意他们的外表长得怎麽样。双子恋爱了，速度会非常之快，双子的热情总是很容易投入，而且义无返顾，无怨无悔，这个时候双子的毅力真是很惊人的，如果她不放弃你，你永远跑不掉。很多时候是双子在把自己搞的伤痕累累的时候自己放弃掉了，因为她们通常都很骄傲，没有自尊的爱情双子不需要。

it's how interesting how i thought back to the same period last year. of the supposed meet up which never happened.

i went back store today for the travel. and then there was the mdp/orientation session with jiahui. and i managed to catch 2 of my crew. and had a short chat with *d. then not knowing where to head to since it was too late for museum hopping. i hitched a ride with daddy and got myself to marina bay. walked around mbs. looking for food and ended up at TWG. not too bad for a first time. =)

then went out to catch a good spot for the ndp that was held across the river and thought back about the preview i attended last year at the padang and the meet up that was to happen after that.

then i thought back to the few people who came and went out of my life. *her. *him. *w.

*her. the one that i was stuck in a rut for 7 years with. it was what most would call puppy love or crush. but it wasn't the case for me. i was in too deep. and it didn't help when she felt the same in between. so on and off we dragged. here and there we went. but in the end? in all ended in silence. my regret was never knowing what was the reason. at least when you tell me. it's much easier to let go and move on. all i'm left with was a broken heart that took years to heal. and a bedtime story that i'm trying to fufill. once completed. i'll let you know the outcome.

*him. i made a lot of stupid mistakes with. seriously. i'm never felt more f***ed up in my life until i met him. seriously. things that could have been avoided or not done. i was silly enough to have done it all. only after i left him did i realize how stupid i was back then. and how leech-y he really was. i've never felt good about the whole saga. of course when i was in it. i was a happy girl (but very broke). it was only after that last letter and out of it did i realize the stupidity of it. and the consequences it had on my future relationships. it wasn't healthy. and it juz made me feel so *arrghz*. he still sms-es me once in a blue moon (which i choose not to reply). or even called me (which i refused to pick up). the few times that i did. i regretted immediately after that. but the shitty thing now is he knows where exactly i am working at. =/ i'm still staying far far away from him. =/

*w. the most recent heartache. but in a way it was a good one. no doubt i will always think back on the times we shared. but then. it was good coz he chose to sms me and that was how it all ended. and coz after a while of not meeting. it became easier to let go when i want to. no doubt when i see things or places that reminds me of the times spent. or when i was watsapp-ing my friends and accidentally saw that he had watsapp too. there's a small tug at the heartstrings. but that's about it. it's been a good 2 months since the last msg. and surprisingly? i've never thought about msging him again. coz it's been made clear and that makes it all much easier. tops: to msg only on occasions. that's about it. nothing more to hope for. nothing more to look forward to.

... ...

i'm giving myself 5 more years in the system. 5 more years to complete all my goals. coz who knows? after completing it all i may choose to leave. i don't think i can take working shift work permanently. coz ultimately. being a girl. i'd like to settle down and start a family as well.

of course for those of you who know me well enough. you guys would be re-reading that last paragraph. coz it's so not me. but rest assured this is me. =)

i've already planned my trips next year. and gonna get permission to clear the leave tmr. so if all goes well. yeah. i'll be travelling alone again. 2 big trips planned and 3 small ones in between. if money is not matter that is. that's why i'm starting to save. coz this month need to pay back my loans and debts and save for the upcoming aussie trip.

... ...

sept will be a hell month. followed by oct which is gonna be even worse. gosh. hope i can last till then! =/

Thoughts

Was doing somewhat a bit of reminiscing about the past relationships I had. Not sure what prompted me to. But yeah. I'm not counting those crushes and people I've never been with. But of those who were there and took care of me at one point or another.

*g. It's been 6 years since we broke up and honestly speaking? I do visit your fb page once in a while to see your updates. Glad to see you're doing fine too. But I don't think I'll ever wanna meet you coz that'll be quite scary for me. I think. Even though we work at the same mall. =/

*y. It's been 2 years since we broke up. And even though I know the first year was hell for you. You're moving on juz fine now. We go out for the occasional supper and overseas trip. And I was touched that every year without fail you'll buy air katira for me. The one I had hoped to remember seems to be moving on juz fine without me. But you made the effort to remember. Every single year. =)

*b. It's been almost 2 years since we broke up. And yeah. It's interesting how we've been meeting up once in a while for supper and chilling. But sometimes. Somewhere. I think this all has gotta stop. Coz I think you'll be getting false hopes again. =/

*someone. It's been 8 months since we broke up. And things have been getting better. But I would be lying if I said I don't think about you at all. Once in a while I do miss the times we spent nua-ing at your place and watching those movies late into the night. Of times spent juz sitting next to each other and doing nothing. Of bubbles lifts at hdb. And the fact that coz you're the most recent. Memories of us together seems like memories from yesterday. I hope that one day both of us could put down whatever baggage we have and move on. And maybe meet up with the rest for a meal or sone chilling. =)

It's been so long since I last remembered feeling the need to have someone there for me 24/7. Before and after work.

Maybe I'm turning really independent and that probably I'll never be able to find a guy who'll accept me for who I am. Coz I think I'm becoming too strong for my own good. =/

even though i've left cck4 for almost 9 months. the friendships i made there were some that kept me going through the toughest times.

it's interesting how even chili being from ck62 and yichin from cm has mixed much with us. yes. no doubt i can feel us drifting apart coz of tight schedules and what-nots. but after some time. we make it a point to really meet every month. whether to chill. or makan.

so this post goes out especially to people like ah pang. chili. shark. alien. yichin. coz these are my 'regular' hangout mates. =)

for all the fun. laughter. tears and even puke. thank you! =D