Alone

I really hate traveling down this road at this time of the night coz it juz brings back the memories of the past. What used to be sweet has all grown bitter now.

你是我选择独来独往的理由.

funnily. ah pang only asked if i was free on the date. and not telling me where we're going. and i blindly agreed and followed lo. hahaha.

and so we ended up at sarong at millenia walk coz he had some good deals and wanted to share. =) hahaha. it was an indonesian cuisine place and wasn't too bad. and this first pic showed how engrossed i was in the menu and by the time i wanted to take a pic of the cracker basket it was only left with this.

angel and her orange juice.

les and her 7 up. muz take care of baby so no alcohol for her. =)

see! ah pang's usual erdinger and my 1/2 pint heineken. =)

group pic! =D

tahu goreng iis. there were stuffings inside the tahu la. =)

the beef nasi tempung.

redang burger.

the 2 feet sate for sharing... =) assortment of beef satay. chicken satay. prawns. lady's fingers. corn. mushroom.

my 2nd 1/2 pint! =)

avocado shake with some coffee syrup on it... eh. not my cup of dessert la.

chendol! which i like coz it wasn't too sweet. and the red beans were so big so there was no chance i could suck it up through the straw! =D

and then we decided to go to holland v for some pasta at wala wala. but the live band at overtime attracted and in we went instead. =)

angel's cosmo... =)

live band! =D

and ah pang and i decided to go for another round of drinks. =) ah pang for 1 pint. me for 1/2. this time round the beer was much lighter lo. hahaha.

the ham sandwiches... interestingly the bread was toasted lo. =)

ah pang and his never ending strand of carrot.

the grilled chicken chop.

and angel's seafood salad that came last. =)

a very enjoyable evening with good food and music and company! =D

and then i went home and saw another good deal. and asked ah pang's opinion. 'let our tastebud do the talking.' hahaha. so this time i bought the deal. and we'll be going next month! =P

... ...

actually wasn't in the mood to post up the pics. coz i woke up this morning with the pain back. i was breaking out in cold sweat literally and soaked to the skin. i couldn't even muster the strength to walk out of my room to get the medicine. and had to use my phone to call my house phone to ask my mum to take the medicine for me. and after taking the medicine. it all seemed better.

still a tad strength-less. my hands are still shaky. i still feel like the world is blacking out on me. or probably i'm low on sugar hence this effect. but whatever it is. thank you to paracetamol for saving me juz. sighz.

pictures of my food rendezvous will be up later coz the 3 half pints are making me sleepy. especially when i juz finished sending all the emails out. =D but nonetheless it's been a great food session. got to try something new and found a new chillout place!!! =D hahaha. that was what made my day!

anyways. on a side note.

feeling super duper pampered by people around me. (although yes i was made at my mum for eating ALL my hard-bought cow's tales without telling me!) but at least i could get my good food. and travelling. here i come! ha! =P

sometimes it's not about where i am going. what i am eating. but the company that i am with. and things do happen for a reason. like why am i getting more independent and don't mind going places alone now. perhaps getting closer to the quarter of a century mark makes me think more. makes me wanna pamper myself more. and sometimes. so what if i earn quite a bit? when it's the time to spend and reward myself i should do it.

... ...

i was thinking that i was strong enough to revisit all the msgs *someone ever sent me. that i was able to scroll through them without emotions. but i guess i was wrong. initially it made me happy to read through all those happy msgs and how you were always there when i needed someone. and then it got more emo. more negative. and the tear juz rolled down unconsciously. i guess i ain't strong enough yet. i wish the day would come when i could look back on all these msgs and smile coz you were once part of my life. and not a single tear would fall.

then i thought about *w. and how he seemed to have disappeared off the face of this earth for the past almost 1 month. sighz. it's always like this.

and i saw *y's post on fb. and somehow if i'm not wrong the one he was referring to was me. and then after i read i commented. and he actually text me at 4am in the morning and we were on the phone for like 15 mins coz i was working opening. i wish i could be there like how i used to be. but we are no longer the same 2 person. things have changed. status have changed too. i can only be a friend to you. as much as sometimes i wish we could be like in the past. i know we can't. too much have happened. being friends are the closest we can ever be.

... ...

no more wishes. coz i think what i've wanted i've gotten. what i've not got. it's all too intangible. to all of you guys whom i'm still in contact with and meeting every now and then. thank you. being there is good enough for me. *heartz*

went for a swim after completing most of my work. then decided to eat at ichiban sushi for dinner. and then did came back and watched tangled! =D hahaha. and coz i was watching from my lappy. i was laughing away to myself like nuts and yeah. it is a good show. one that i would watch again with... =D

and i bloody love this chameleon! super adorable lo! =D

and i love her short hair! =D

yeah. anyways. schedule's done and out. quite ok. not too bad. and then am looking forward to june for a lot of reasons! =D so i guess i may be blogging more often? =P

yeah yeah! counting down the days! =D

was planning to bathe and then play a while on fb before replying all the emails and sending out action plans and to do lists. but i guess i really am tired. coz i am busy yawning away and i can't seem to focus! arrghz. so i'm going to cut short the night and go to sleep first. wake up tmr to reply all! tatA!

talk about something that piss me off first. their GO shirts charge to zone. why mine muz absorb by myself??? *hatez*

... ...

okok. i know i know. i was going to fix my cam after sending off the i crew. and so i went and caught kungfu panda 2. =) not too bad. but a forgettable show. =/

met chili and angel for dinner that night after work/meeting at austwine. one of my fav hangout places. =)

our drinks.

snacks of spring rolls.

butterfly prawns.

sotong balls! =D

the pork knuckle for sharing...

the long awaited and not good honey glazed chicken thigh. (as per angel and chili's comments.)

and angel's cookies and cream ice cream.

sitting there watching the sun set and the skies darken. i was brought back to the day that *someone celebrated his birthday there. that was how long ago since i stepped foot there. i was afraid of the heartache it may bring. but i guess not seeing him. not in contact with him. somehow it does help to lessen the pain and ache. i wished that somehow we could have stayed as friends on talking terms. but i guess in order to move on and not get affected by him and her. it's better off this way.

and then i thought back on the first person i brought to this place. *w. and wonders how is he doing. many a times i caught myself wanting to text him and ask him out for a meal or something. but i always held back. coz somewhere deep within me i know i muz move on. i know i know. i've said this a lot of times. but everytime it doesn't seem to work. but i guess there's no harm trying is there?

sometimes i've learnt to accept the fact that he will only pop up at the weirdest times and get my hopes high. but then his sudden disappearance will make me emo for some time. make me think what have i really done wrong. =/ and this time. after that wish. i am more than determined to move on. why should i wait for someone who doesn't seem to appreciate me for who i am? i might as well get over him getting over me. hard to say. maybe he's back with his ex or has a new gf or engaged and i wouldn't know. he used to kept me in the dark for a while when he has a gf. so what makes me think he won't do the same this time?

sighz.

it's interesting how hard it is to let go sometimes even though i have been numbed against all the disappointment and heartaches. i've kinda held on all these years. whether consciously or unconsciously. and then there were friends who told me if he's really that good a guy. he wouldn't make me wait. but what if i'm waiting out of my own accord without anyone's pressure? juz coz i wanted to?

there's people stepping in and out of my life. guys whom i thought would be better than him. guys who made me feel like a princess or at least treated me well. yet in the end. these guys turn out otherwise. i guess i'm the one who's always blinded by my so-called love. yeah. it hurts. everytime i think back on it. but there's no one to blame but myself.

ah well. this is how silly love makes one to be. makes me so prone and vulnerable to all the hurt and pain that keeps on being inflicted on me.

'scars will not heal. only wounds will.'

i guess mine is no longer a wound. but classified more of a scar? and everytime you step back into my life. it's like peeling away the scar. and when you go. it closes back. yet never fully healed.

a girl's dream: to find a rich guy to marry off whom loves and dotes on me with all his heart and life. so that i can demote to a shift leader! =D

in reality: none of that will happen. and so i juz wanna be able to move on with life. with or without him. (after that one last try/wish that is.) sighz. what a silly dream. =/

Shagged

Feeling super duper shagged recently. Like as if I haven't really been able to rest at all. What with events back to back. Till the extent that I kinda gave up playing RC. Coz I'm so busy an tired. Think I should talk to Mickey proper tomorrow. I really need a break. Or else I'm the one breaking first. =/ off to bed.

Ahoy

After watching the movie and on the way getting out of the cinema. I felt lost. Not in the sense of physical direction. But more of the mental and emotional kind. The last time I watched a show that ended this late was with *w. And we took the fireman lift and I was making a joke out of it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt if he didn't reply yest. If I said that trying to let him go is the worst pain I've been through. Give me more cysts anytime. I would gladly take. Rather than this torture that I'm enduring.

Then I thought back about the days when I was still a assistant. When I was doing more night shifts and I had the time to go out and play after that. The times when *w would ask me out and we would go for supper. Watch soccer. Chill. Watch DVDs. Slack. And I had the pleasure of people picking me up and sending me back.

And then of the times *y would drive me around in Malaysia. Going places trying new food. And yes. I can't say that I don't miss him at all. Coz he was someone who took great care of me and someone who is still taking good care of me.

There's many troubles lately. And I am pained to say that I actually hurt *y back then by breaking up with him. He's a great guy no doubt. But I guess either the time wasn't right. If not. We were juz not meant to be.

All I want is to be treated like a girl. With treats and surprises from the guy. I mean. Which girl doesn't? Behind every facade I put up. There's this other side of me that I wish that someone who dote on me. Give in to me. Entertain me. And juz keep me company whererever I am. Yet respecting me for who I am.

I am at my worst now. And if there's no one who can accept me at my worst. No one deserves to have me at my best.

now what's new? me catching another movie alone. =) this time at the new lido. and i was complaining to phillip. we both miss the old lido. =(

was in store to do opening yest. in the end went over cafe to help. from like 8pm till 11pm? =) coz sales in ma. and i chased all my beanies out to do LDS. hahaha. and mirza came back with 3 in half hour. azhar 1 in 15 mins. =D see! it can be done! =D yi chin punched out at 9.30pm but was helping and teaching the HFC beanie also till 11pm. then yi chin and i decided to go grab some food. and then chatted. rotted. and then he waited for me while i comms some stuff. all the way till 2am. and then we shared a cab home.

and then i was back to store on my off day today to sit down MDP with jack and shasha. and then i went out to lido. hoping to catch the movie i wanted. =) which i did.

i want to watch pirates. and breaking dawn. and harry potter 7. =D

... ...

sometimes. after sharing all the fears and all. it does makes the world seems a better place. *y asked me. why did i choose to break up with him then. painful question. but i guessed it was better him knowing it than hiding anything from him. and so i told him. and there were a couple more questions ba. in a way. i was happy that at least we are still friends now. and that there were many beautiful memories that we shared.

then i shared with him about *b. about *w. about *someone. that i guess that he also realized where my heart truly is now. it hurts to tell him the truth. but truth hurts all the while. no?

... ...

have been sometime since i last contacted *w. i juz hope he is doing alright. =) coz all these times. he only appears in my life during the weirdest part of it all. and i have kinda grown used to it. sighz.

... ...

what i really want is for CM to continue it's glow. for me to have more money (so i can go south africa! =D). for *w to spend another 24h with me on the day. 3 wishes ain't too much right? =)

=edited=

我开始习惯这独来独往的生活了。

caught this with shark juz now. and i like the show. my kinda show ba. =) and i shall attempt to type the following out in chinese. read it from mei's blog and how true it all is.

有些人，你对他又感觉，

但你不知道他对你的感觉如何，

发个简讯，问个好，

满怀希望地等待着他的回复，

他给你的回复却是若有若无的，

开心的时候回你一封，

不开心的时候让你等待，

想你的时候回找你，

不想你的时候问候都没有一句，

这样的人，不值得你等待。

有些人，明明知道你爱他，

却始终不肯给你一个明确的答案，

他愿意接受你对他的好，

也愿意陪你一起吃饭，看戏，

在你寂寞的时候，敞开心扉，

可当你进一步走向他时，

他也会进一步和你拉开距离，

两个人之间永远都只知差一步的距离，

不能手牵手，也不能拥抱，

这样的人，不值得你等待。

有些人，明明就已经分开了，

可他知道你心底还有他的存在，

他接近你，他靠近你，

他不会时常陪在你身边，

却总在你快要把他遗忘时，

在一次出现在你的世界里，

给你关心，给你问候，

让你觉得你永远也忘不了他，

想要抛开过去的一切，

想要与他从新开始，

但他已经不是从前的那个他了，

他变得好友善，也好陌生，

这样的人，不值得你等待。

有些人，你爱他好久好久了，

他知道你爱他，

他也让你知道他不爱你，

他不会拒绝与你当朋友，

但总和你保持一定的距离，

你不能把他的爱用在表面上，

一旦被他擦觉，连朋友都不是，

这样的人，不值得你等待。

这世界有时就是那么的奇怪，

有些人你永远不必等，

有些人你永远也不会让他等，

有些人你等了一辈子，却要看着他离去，

有些人等了你一辈子，你却无视他的存在，

值得等待的人不会要你等待，

或许我们都知道谁才是值得我们等待的，

只可惜，我们追求的都不是等我们的人，

我们有目标，我们追求幸福，

却在抵达目的时，才穆然发现，

原来我们要的不是最终的目标，

我们只是享受追求的过程，

才发现我们在追求目标的时候，

把真正属于自己的幸福给抛开了。

原来，爱情是不需要追求的，

爱你的人不需要你的追求，

不爱你的人追求也没用，

即时有一天真的在一起了，

才发现，彼此是不适合的，

才发现，原来有些事情是不能勉强的，

才发现，有些等待原来会让自己迷路。

有些人，是你永远也等不起的。。。

hahaha. went to JCP for the briefing of the media event tmr and then decided to watch priest at lot 1 coz i was so craving to watch the show! not too bad. at least the ending was not as abrupt as Thor. but plot was predictable la. but ah well! =)

then before the movie still got time to kill. so went to jean yip and cut my hair! hahaha! =P and then to sakae teppanyaki for dinner! =D

lunch was with sister and mum at ambush at jurong point. good food. nice ambience. poor service. sighz. =X but i guess that the food and company more than made up for it. =)

mum's minestrone and iced tea.

my iced summer peach tea with sliced peaches! =D

our duck breast salad.

mum's seafood paella that came without the advertised scallops that made her kinda upset.

my lamb shank! =D

sister's garlic chicken sausage with mashed potato! =P

yeah. and so i realized it isn't scary being alone anymore.

been doing things as and when i please. spending as much as i want. (like today. i spent a total of almost $350! =P) and it's actually fun when there's no one to stop you or distract you from what you wanna do. =)

alright. time for bed. tmr meeting the group of almost 15 for breakfast before the event at JP cafe. =D so good night to all. especially mei chun. mum. sister. siew mei. samantha. hawa. mei fang. mei yee. chee li. christine. john. joyce. raymond. and there's a few unconfirmed ones like reaus. rayson. zaini. lancy. hahaha. large order! but i tell christy that we all going le la. so her beanie(s) can prepare also. =P

tatA! =D