Seeing your pics on my friend's fb is not a good sign. Why should I? Why muz I? Now I feel that I won't sleep well. Coz after all. I still miss you. But I know you're posting out soon le. No point to disturb you also le. Take care of yourself. Especially on the roads coz the journey has juz gotten longer.

met karin for sunday brunch at mandarin gallery's jones the grocer! =D wasn't too bad. but it ain't a place i'll visit again ba...

anyway. as promised. here are the pics! =D

karin's hot chocolate with vanilla bean syrup on the side. =P

my mango and peach smoothie.

our add-ons of smoked salmon and sauteed mushrooms! =D

my jones special breakfast set! XD

and karin's sandwich with avocado and watercress! =P

then we went to walk a bit. then i went to try some clothes. and then we wanted to chill so headed over to tcc at shaw house. =P

my mushroom and corn soup. =D

and our salad with prawns.

and then after tea we headed back to ion's itacho for dinner! =D

our sashimi platter of tuna belly. salmon belly. and salmon sashimi. =D

some grilled fish.

tako sashimi! =D

foie gras sushi! i simply heart this one lo. =P

my unagi.

grilled pork sushi.

karin's soft shell crab roll.

and foie gras handroll.

her prawn tempura sushi.

and my grilled scallop sushi. which actually wasn't that nice. =X

yeah. had a great day out minus that news that pissed me off. but yeah.

... ...

i don't know why and if i should feel anything for you. but when i saw her post on fb juz now that was tagged to you. my heart suddenly juz dropped a thousand feet. not sure why i felt this way coz i know you don't care about me anymore and have moved on. and then when i went back to update my news feed. the post was deleted. what was that supposed to mean?

ok. i shouldn't care about what you and her do anymore. coz i don't wanna hurt myself again. so for those who know who i'm talking about. please. juz spare me ok? stop mentioning her name in front of me. you guys are unaware. but it's like rubbing salt in my wound.

i wish i could move on fast like some other friends. but although i seem to. i ain't able to put the person down 100%. especially when i wasn't the one who was ready to let go or ask for a break.

i don't matter anymore do i?

time to let go.

you shouldn't have come into my life. you shouldn't have given me false hope. you shouldn't have come back time and time again and mess up my life. i really wanna get over you. coz you have already gotten over me.

it's painful. really painful.

hee! tried this out at a shop at ion today when i was out with karin. looks nice la. but still thinking if i should buy. =P food pics for today will be up the next few days alright? =)

and alien. whatever you read here is only for your eyes and your bf. no one else should know. especially the people in my store that you are close to hor!

mei. same goes for you!

anyway. here's an explanation for my bad mood for those 2 days i was working. and a reason for my happiness. =)

bad mood: coz the p files were incomplete even though i stated the date and time i wanted it to be done. food safety also not done. so i pissed lo. never mind. after that the schedule on good friday? ms annie only gave me 2 counter crew! wow! i didn't know i was so powerful to juz run 1 counter! so i pissed! and sales was good that day lo. like a saturday lo. wth. and then that day i was working? danilo called me early in the morning that his father in law passed away. and he has to go back home. fine. until may 2. ha! for 1 week! never mind. next morning rina msg me. what swollen eye and eyelid infection. mc. fine! so we cover lo. what to do?

why i am happy? coz someone's plan to sabo me backfired on her! hahaha! i was so so so so so very happy! =D people now got pet ma. then the pet everything also yes her this yes her that. never mind. so since you know there was an issue. you didn't take any action for 24 hours. only when ah bao was going back then you call him to settle and said that you called mickey? wow! and you were the shift manager who handed over to him! =) never mind! worst i get violation letter nia ma. but guess what? if i get. so would you! =D coz you know why? simply coz you were the shift manager too for the past week and no actions were taken? ah!

sometimes when you wanna sabo people. you muz be smart too la! cannot have short vision la. eyes so big so what? see things that are so near? ever thought of the implications that it could have on you? no! =D and guess what? when mickey called me she didn't say much! =D so i juz need to revert my findings lo. =) even my other managers who knows were like. 'boss if take violation letter we all take together!' =D hahaha!

so you think that by bao to-ing me you can move faster? well! guess what? mickey asked ah bao why you go and tell her that? ha! let's see lo. =P

you think like all your other no-brainer friends that i am a pushover? guess what? you haven't known me well enough! =P you have never seen what i can do. especially with the power and the position that i have now. nonono. it's not me abusing my authority. it's me correctly using my authority to put you where you rightly belong. =)

so. if you wanna play this game with me. please please please. use your brain first la. think the before and after. heng i didn't trust you 100% but only half. ha! coz you no brain. so you didn't think of the before. so you are in trouble with the rest of us as well! =P and please la. pick a pet also pick a smart one la. i never understood how can you pick these useless people to be your pets! haiz. i don't know if i should feel sad for them or for you? =D and then hor. i think somemore. (that's why i see far la. not like the poor you. short sighted. =D) when you really transfer to that pmo. with that kinda of bc. your this kinda standard and that kinda of management team. i don't know if i should pity you or pity the pmo and store. hmmmz. i shall go think shan't i? =P spending some sleepless nights over this is so worthed it! =D

'being a fine woman is not being pretty and being popular. it's being yourself and being the simplest you can no matter what people think or do.'

interesting how you can post this on fb but i don't think you are anyway close. like what mum says. there will be people out there who are so dumb trying to push their luck when come on la. you guys obviously know i am the current pet of mickey and vikki now lo. yes. i never wanna say this. coz i don't like being a pet. i juz do my job. but guess what? only those really dumb ones will try their luck. but in the end? they are the ones getting scalded. not me. =D

ah well. people juz don't learn from others mistakes do they? =D

playing the piano once again made me feel close to him. coz the last time i ever played the piano at home was about 2.5 years ago when he came over and wanted to hear me play. hmmmz. there was a definite course of emotions that ran through me. torn between holding on and letting go. what made me clear the rubbish around and on my piano was the pure determination of wanting to feel neat and have that sense of achievement. and in a way also to want to play the piano for maybe that one last time? it's been an art long lost touched with for me. for being able to play the piano was never something i was proud of. i don't know why either.

and then i went for the pmo charity event on monday and the residents at the home had a mass session. and guess what? i followed through. surprisingly i could still remember the prayer and prayed along with them. once an IJ girl always an IJ girl? =) juz saying the prayers alone got me thinking back on the times i spent in school. saying the prayers together with the others and going through friday mass and all.

'in the name of the father. the son. and the holy spirit. amen. our father in heaven. holy be your name. your kingdom come. your will be done as in heaven. give us today our daily bread. forgive us our sins as we forgive those we sin against us. do not bring us to the test but deliver us from evil. amen.'

work has been hell this past few days. coz i got pissed off one days and texted all my managers and mickey their to-do list at 5am in the morning. =P been rushing for powerpoints and comms day and ppa. and all are killing me.

the only happy thing today was that chili and shark came and asked me out dinner even though i finish at 8.30pm only. and they waited till i finished and we went ichiban for dinner. and they bought koi for me! *heartz heartz*

sighz. tomorrow will be a looooong day. with opening. touching up my slides. and then presentation in the afternoon. and i have to complete ordering before that. and the best thing? my managers p file i all haven't do yet. =X

sometimes when i need a break from work. it all comes unexpectedly. and i guess in a way that's a good thing?

i miss those times that i could stay out late coz usually i'm working closing or overnight shifts. i miss those times that *w would be free and we would hang out till the next morning juz chatting away. it's a lot of memories. and i wonder if i wanna throw them away yet. =/

today line juz told me a shocking news. that her ex-fiance after being together for 3 years and bought a flat together. kinda broke up with her. why kinda? coz he never said anything about breaking up. yet today his status changed. he's now engaged to another girl. wth? and that other girl is his friend's wife's sister. how complicated can you get? i feel sorry for line. but grateful as well that at least it wasn't until when they were married before getting a divorce. and like what i believe. what he did to line. he can do it to his fiancee too. ah well.

then she got me thinking. that if *w back then could do that to the girlfriend. he could do that to me as well. and one thing that was stuck in my head all these while since chinese new year. he said he went malaysia. that's why he replied me late. i can't recall if his dad is a malaysian or he has relatives inside. or is he back together with his ex? i really don't know. i want to ask. kinda asked. but the answers are all so vague to me. so i also don't know what to think any more.

he's been occupying my dreams these days. coz probably i really juz wanna meet him before he gets posted out and so far away. ubi is so damn far la! =X

haiz. time to get some sleep before i need to run on adrenaline again later. tatA world.

call me crazy. i auto woke up at 3.15am today. checked my phone and realized i had a missed call and 3 msgs. i didn't hear anything at all! siao liao. was i really that tired? and then i went back to sleep again. and auto woke up at 5am. dreamt a very very nice dream with *w. =) and then was thinking about work. so i finally sent out that text to my whole team. then i went back to sleep.

and then my dad woke me up at 6.30am coz he thought i was working. wth? arrghz. dozed off and finally decided to get my butt out of bed at 9am for breakfast at my fav place. =D then came back and read papers till around 10am and started the mood of clearing my rubbish. =)

and i tell you. i was really clearing my rubbish lo. go see my fb pics and you will know why i said that. hahaha. of course in between got slack a bit la. but not too much. and i found things from donkey years ago. 2008 to be actual. hahaha. and then i played a bit of piano. threw a lot of stuff away. and finished the uphill task at 10pm. hahaha. and then off i am to reply emails and do some work. ha! =D

happy today coz now all my beanies are certified for the gold standard cappuccino. hahaha! so proud of them. tmr meeting karin. beloved and mummy for steamboat at holland v. but before that have to go back store to settle that one customer feedback. stupid sia. =( sighz.

okie. i'm not feeling so bad about not meeting *w le. coz after all it's not the first time. at least he was kind enough to reply me lo. =) oh well. i'll juz see him 3 years down the road then! =/

tatA world! =D

And yes. The heart is broken. Coz you are busy. And yes. I pushed everything else back coz of tonight. In the end what does it amount to? Nothing. Juz pain. I never learn from my mistakes. I never do. And it hurts damn bad.

=edited=

And I guess that day was to be the last I see of you. Coz you will be getting busy soon. And the next time we ever meet will be 3 years down the road. And within these 3 years many things would have changed. I would have too. And my heart I feel.

Meet up

I'm actually surprised you still remembered even though I'm the one who has been counting down. Of course I am also prepared that you will pull out at the last min for whatever reason you may give. But at least when I texted you juz now asking if we will be meeting. You replied and told me we'll discuss it tonight.

So I guess I am happy. And for that thank you for remembering. Coz ultimately. Even if my heart gets broken tmr. At least I will have the chance to say that I tried.

i realized i really hate people talking when i am in a foul mood. i come home to the peace and quiet it provides. not for the endless nagging there are.

Drunk

I admit that I am feeling a bit giddy and drunk after downing that bottle of Henekien at dinner with mum. =P my legs feel jelly too. XD

Okie. Time to go bed. And gonna go for the check up later! I wanna watch movie too! Don't know if he wanna watch ma? Hmmmz.

Anyways. Officially 2 more days! =D

*w: 4moredays! =D

5 more days!

Law of attraction:

5moredaysandiwillbegoingoutwith*wagain!

Super duper looking forward to it! =D I guess I really am crazy over spending time with him. =D

hall pass came out on thurs. and so i texted *w telling him. he didn't reply. so i was like. so be it. then was upset over the things i read and des texted me and we decided to meet for breakfast at wang cafe at bpp the next day at 8am. =)

and yeah. we were juz randomly talking and then des 'escorted' me to store so that i can sit down with jack. and then 'escorted' me to KAP where my meeting was. and his nephew is sooo adorable lo! especially love the one where he was wearing the helmet. =)

then meeting was alright. but was kinda affected during the chit chat when vikki said that i muz know when to draw a line between work and personal when handling my managers. coz she feels that i am too close to them. it's always interesting how others always perceive me to be close to people. hmmmz. first was at jscc. then now again. =(

and joyce was so funny. she said i had an intelligent look coz she thought i started as a TM with degree. =D and i managed to talk to my ex RM whom i am still calling boss. =) to each her own. and we all have our own troubles in store la.

... ...

then a phone call from store spoilt my day totally. was supposed to meet chili. shark and chantel for dinner at lot 1. then that call totally made me no mood. i mean i had enough of nonsense from store too. but i am still a human. what gives you the right to raise your voice at me? so before the person hung up i hung up too. =X i don't feel bad. coz it's already at my limits. and i went home.

when chili and chantel called i refused to pick up their calls. alien asked me who i am with i replied one word msgs. and it juz seemed like the whole world was crashing down suddenly.

i refused to comment or post on fb or blog what i am feeling. coz i don't wanna let others know what i am doing. i only replied to vikki and mickey's msgs. that's it. and was planning to go sleep at 8pm when *w's msg came in.

and he said ok to catching the movie. =) and so we did. at westmall. 11.35pm. and i happily left my phone on silent without vibration even. and in his box the whole time. until i came home. there were msgs but i chose not to reply. coz i don't see a point why i should. especially when my mood was this ridiculous.

and the movie was quite good. coz i was happy laughing away. i juz needed some chilling. and then he sent me back as usual. and we continued our conversation through sms. till like 3am in the morning when he conked out first. coz he's going simei today in the morning. and yeah.

this morning then i replied those msgs that i think i should.

best of all. even mummy came and text me and asked me to take care. i guess there are people out there who cares after all. =)

went swimming this morning and everything really seems more tolerable after it. and i treated myself to ichiban sushi for lunch. =) feeling slightly better now and logging off to prepare for my bro's commissioning at OCS. tatA! =)

long day again today. or rather yesterday. empc ops day was at my store. and yeah. after which i settled 2 customers' feedbacks. and then i was totally shagged. came back home. set quiz questions. send emails. and now going to sleep when i need to wake up super early tmr. sighz. and it's gonna be another long day of verifications. talks. meetings. chit chats. =(

what made my day today? 2 things. rayson and eva traveled to my store for the promotion and everything went. =) and they RICO my beanies and me. and i felt so happy for them. =) and the second was my crew bugging me to start a CM group on fb. hahaha. =)

other than that. i still have my PnL to do. meeting Mickey on 10. sighz. can i meet her tmr for SOX too? =(

... ...

i juz saw a post on fb. and god knows why izzit affecting me so much. i should be over you. that's why i am moving on in life. but everytime i see her post. i juz get so frustrated and irritated in a while. coz some part of me still hopes you care for me. but i doubt that will ever happen. it's funny how good friends you can be with your ex. and yet me? strangers.

i should feel happy that *w and i are back as good friends and movie kakis again. but then again. how long can this happiness last? for ever we are friends? or only till the point before he is posted out?

and then *someone suddenly posted something yest. and it got me thinking. am i really that lousy as a girlfriend? such a failure? so inferior to his ex? sighz. i don't know why. it juz hurts me still that others can move on yet somehow i am still stuck somewhat to this point.

what do i really want? what do i really need?

'how do i say hello? i juz wanna talk to you.'

everyone juz made empty promises. to be there for me when i need them the most. to be my listening ear. but how many are really there? my life is really revolving around mac and *w for now. coz no one else seems to be there. i'm not kind who will go and say 'hey. i'm not feeling good. can i share with you?' no. that is not me. so i keep everything inside me. and this dam of mine is going to break soon. if no one comes and let out the water that's building up within.

i juz need someone to sit there. stone with me. talk to me. dig out those unhappiness from within. i juz need the wind. i wanna be a pillon again.

do i really need to wait till next weekend? and i don't even know if next weekend will come true.

... ...

yes i do admit. i spend way too much time in store. and yes. coz there's no one to nag at me to take care of myself. my thinking has changed. why should i? no one is bothering. so i juz spend my time in store taking care of the nitty gritty and the people. but in the end. who take cares of me? no one. i still have to move no matter how tired. how unappreciated i feel. and i know. one day this will all kill me.

is it time to give up all my dreams. my hopes. my expectations? juz so that i can have an easier life? i don't think so. but then. who is there to share my joy when my store is performing and getting better each month? who is there when i need to vent out my anger. my unhappiness. simply? no one. coz no one bothers enough. i am not initiative when it comes to social events. that's why when others ask me out and i am free. i will go. even if it is after work. coz i have made enough decisions in store. used too much initiative.

and seriously? i really am breaking down.

Shagged

the one perfect word that can describe me this week. SHAG.

been working non stop since the 1st. seeing that my off day is only on 9th. and there's so many things to do even when i am on shift. setting test questions. taking over ecosima. coaching my TM. follow up on the new promotions. this travel and that travel. sighz. i think i am seriously overstretched.

i really need a break. and i juz wanna sleep and not move for the next 24 hours. it's been really that tiring. and guess what? i have to rush to palces again later. =(

*w. when are we meeting again? i don't know how much longer i can take. i need to go chill or watch movie or have supper and not think about work. juz for that one day. or two. sighz.

i need my social life back. =(

"relationships lasts long because 2 people made a choice. the decision to keep it. fight for it and to work hard for it."

i wanna work hard for something that means something to me. and i really need a break. i need to get away for a while. alone.

i so wanted to post up a proper picture. but i guess unless i get permission. i won't be doing that anytime soon ba. =) coz it's juz not nice to do that ah. =)

anyways. went out for dinner with yi chin. chili. shark at imm coz shark was craving pepper lunch set. =) hahaha. and i was itching to shop. coz my earphone spoilt this morning! one side no sound lo. super sian half. =X so think think think. in the end bought a sennhesier one. the one that jovi has/had. =) and i tell you. i'm on repeat mode for the song 'bust your windows' and the bass is like SUPERB! i tell you! it really made my money worth lo. so now i'm like blasting the song on repeat since i reached home till now. =D

and i think i am super guai lo. setting tests for my crew and CLs. and i booked my checkup date le. so you all don't nag le okok? i'm going next wed. =)

... ...

yeah. really looking forward to my off day on 9th. bro's commissioning. and i am like super free on friday night lo. hmmmz. should i ask *w if he wanna catch his that show? =) see first ba. scully i'm too tired and wanna sleep instead. =D

but i really hope he's free next weekend. at least that's our planning la. seriously. i enjoy all these moments i spent with him. even though i know nothing will come out of it all. and i'm juz setting myself up for more hurt at the end. but i guess i really am ready for it le ba. it may be juz movies or a simple meal. but the fact that he still is like the past juz more matured but as irritating at times (coz he enjoys pissing me off). but somewhere somehow. i still like him. =)

others may have came and left. but he's always been there. somehow. buried somewhere. and this time... ... i hope he stays for good. please? =)

Freaked out

Was on shift today during dinner around 8 plus 9 and pushing my crew to hustle when I noticed someone standing at the counter front next to the condiment center for some time.

What had me taken aback was the fact that it was *him who was there with a friend. Seriously freaked out. And not in a good way.

I purposely didn't tell him which store I got transferred to. Or even what position I am now. Yet somehow he appeared. Probably he saw a lot of Clementi Mall pics on my fb?

But out of courtesy I went out and said hi before escaping in. And he said bye when he left.

I was so freaked out that when Shasha came back from her break. I texted *w and told him what happened. In a way I guessed he was the only one who will understand why I felt freaked out. And yeah. He replies almost immediately. And yes. He did understand why I freaked out. Gosh. *shiverz* this means *he may appear more often in store le. Eee.

... ...

Off to a better topic. Have been thinking what to do next next weekend when *w and I meet. But not too sure about his schedule yet. So don't dare to plan muh either. Ah well. Even a meal and show would suffice. =) before he gets tied up and posted out. =(

Ok. On the way home coz tmr I am opening again. Monthend accountability with Mickey somemore. =( sighz. Wish me luck pls.

hee! went out late last night with *w to catch natali. =D he came and picked me up at 9pm and we went down to iluma to catch the 10pm show. =) and he purposely parked at intercontinental carpark lo. eee. =( funnily he asked when was the last time we went to town lo. and yeah. the last time was somewhere in july? when we caught a show at iluma as well. =)

the movie was ok la. but i found it a bit draggy. his kind of show lo. =P anyway we planning for some other shows to catch again la. coz this month he is slightly free-er coz he's handing over le. but he'll be posting out on may 3rd. =( to his HQ. so far away! =( machiam like going for camp le. think it'll take years before we meet again ba. sighz. =(

so i guess in a way however much time we can have for each other. we'll try to meet now ba. but my schedule this month is hell. =( how how how? =( super duper upset. =(

and then after the movie we went to al-azhar for supper. that's his iced logan and my teh tarik. =)

his maggie goreng.

my bee hoon goreng.

and i guess a lot of things have yet to change ba. somehow or other we still remember what each like and dislike. and in a way. it made me smile somewhat.

but he was so mean lo! kept feeling so amused over some things i said. boo. =P

and in a way. i miss being his pillion. and i enjoyed myself thoroughly this few times we went out. i know i will get hurt in the end when he has lesser time to spend with me and when he's gonna move over to his HQ. and he being posted there will be for another 2 to 3 years time. and then we both have no idea where he'll be posted to.

but i guess i don't mind the hurt anymore ba. coz at least i have some of such memories to hold on to. and sometimes. i really wished i didn't have so much baggage to clear. coz it becomes tiring at times. and not every guy can accpet me for who i really am.

*w. thank you. for all the memories. =)