heart and mind set on this. i am so gonna go next year!

anyone wanna sponsor me also welcome! =P

been sometime since i last shared my personal life with someone from work. and sometimes. talking things out really made everything seemed better. and easier to cope with. so mei. thank you for making my day. =D

hahaha. in the end you didn't manage to eat your dinner but we had KOI instead! =P

next time we shall plan another of such session kk? =)

... ...

super shagged. been some time since i last did opening and reached home at 12.30am. hahaha. =P

you know something? i'm not too sure who's reading this anymore. and do i even want to know? yes. i do.

i'm not sure why when i see *someone and *b. i juz literally shut up. and when i shut up they don't come and approach me. i also don't know what to do. yarz. i wanna talk to them. but i guess i'm afraid of the outright rejection that they won't wanna talk to me. sighz.

and i guess things between me and *w are ok. he's replying msgs faster than ever. hahaha. so yeah. but i guess that's that. we do go out for movies and food once in a while. and i guess somehow i shall juz leave it at that. =) if anything happens that's the bonus. if nothing changes. at least i am still happy. =)

... ...

yesterday was a perfect day at work. but let me tell you this. i hate unprofessional people who posts negative comments on fb talking about work. generalizing is ok. not when it's specific. if you think you are doing so well. then why are the feedback and results that comes in not showing it?

think about it.

you get demoralized over so many things. and tell me. how am i supposed to help you with that? and when i get demoralized. who's there for me? no one. no one knows how i feel. when i feel that i am not a good RM. when i feel that i have let my people down. does anyone knows how much freaking pressure i am under in order to perform at the level i am today? no. does anyone care? no.

you guys juz see for yourselves. think your own thoughts. feel your own emotions. have you ever spare a thought for me? when things don't work out for you guys. you tell me. so when things don't work out for me. who do i tell? no one. i keep all these frustrations inside me. and let me tell you this. that one day when i blow my temper. you jolly well make sure you are out of my way. otherwise the nasty things i can and WILL say? i don't think your weak heart is strong enough to take it on.

i would rather teach a manager who is keen to learn no matter the years in the system. than someone who seems to know everything yet do nothing. come on! grow up! you guys are all older than me lo. besides uma. you guys should be the one telling me what i should do and not to do. not me telling you. and of course. if you are still stuck at a 2nd asst for so long. that says something about you. don't you think? reflect on your own actions before you come and say you are affected by what i said. fuck off.

after the effort i put into opening this store. i will not let the effort go to waste. if you are bad wood. i will make sure i will burn you than give you away to others. and trust me. i will make sure you feel like you're in hell working with the devil. seriously. you wanna hate me for my actions? go ahead. i didn't do anything wrong. coz i am not going to let one bad apple spoil my whole basket.

and you think doing manager schedule is so easy? you come and do yourself la! keep bugging me every month is the schedule ready. i tell you. next month you ask me i will not reply. period. why should i bother with this kinda crap people? want this want that. simple instructions of 2 requests also don't understand. and you expect your crew to listen to you? fat hope. and sadly? people from the office doesn't have a good impression of you either. and they come and tell me that.

so tell me. what's good about you? NOTHING.

fucked up.

i may not be the best RM ever. but i am proud to say that i have a group of beanies who portrays that team spirit very well and carries the name of CM high in the zone. we may be new. but hey! who said new means we are no good? we have definitely prove them wrong! =D

azhar. chandra. nura and dina went for the 'we pin you gold standard cappuccino' in the morning. and nura texted me to tell me she got the pin. and when chandra got it. they texted my again. i was so happy for them!

i went for the afternoon session with yi chin. carabelle. des. mirza and min. and man. were we nervous! i was literally shaking as i was doing the drink. the first time i frothed the milk it spilt out onto the floor lo. =X the 2nd time i tried i managed the gold standard one! =D soooo proud of myself lo! and janita came in and took a cup for herself and asked me to follow her to the board room juz so i could pass my gold standard capp to vikki! and although vikki doesn't drink coffee. she managed 1/3 of the cup and took a picture and used that as her wallpaper of the day! i'm so glad i made her day! =D

and yes.there was carabelle who did a gold standard on the first try. there was min who cried when he finally managed to his cup of perfect capp. and des who didn't give up till he got it. i am proud of them. and even prouder to know that even though azhar and dina didn't manage to get their pins. they were almost there already! the only one who didn't come was asfar as he has school today. and sadly. my cafe manager.

coz since yest when she knows i'm switching tasks. she feels demoralized and asked if i am keeping somethings from her. and is she a failure at cafe? i wish i could tell her the truth. that she is. it's her people skills and the amount of accountability that she is holding to. zero. from attachment beanies to st of products to sharing of promotions. she is not taking charge. then why on earth? i was a cafe manager once. and i know how it feels for the beanies to have no one there to lead them or to take care of them. i've learnt my lesson well at cck4. and yes. people may say i 'forced' my beanies to take part today. but let me tell you honestly i didn't. i merely asked and encouraged them to go since i will set an example and go too.

sometimes it is the shadow that a leader casts that will show in the people around. that's why i know i am not the best. but i want my people to be able to hold their heads up high and say that 'hey. i'm from CM.' and even prouder when mei chun could see the team spirit in us. yes. i started CMMC telling them i want the awards and all. but i guess i didn't reinforce already. coz i kinda forgot about it. and if my beanies continue on this way. i am sure they will get the team spirit award. *crossez fingerz*

i've learnt to appreciate the things my people are doing. whether izzit for me or themselves. coz ultimately the one who gains are them not me. =) do i have high standards. yes i admit i do. but there's a reason as to why i have. coz i want my people to be proud when they say where they come from. it's the same for my CLs and managers. there's only so much i can do to help. in the end it's their own doings that lets others see who they really are. if they decides not to help themselves. no matter how much effort i put in it's still a waste.

so again. to azhar. dina. nura. chandra. yi chin. des. carabelle. min. mirza. thank you for making my day. and for making me proud to be able to work with this wonderful group of people who gives me a reason to smile everyday when i step into cafe even though they are neglected by the cafe manager. i am only a RM. this is the most i can do. the rest is up to you guys. thank you.

honestly. looking at the dates next month. kill me please!!!

i think i'm going to work straight for a couple of weeks again. my god. let's see.

1: promotion.

2: 1st weekend.

3: 1st weekend.

4: randy and designer travel plus my monthend accountability.

5: randy and designer travel plus BM accountability.

7: EMPC store day plus FHC system training.

8: Brand extension - McCafe + Kiosk plus health talk plus SWLN talk plus chit chat.

9: actual PnL. (but my bro's commissioning! =X)

10: CSP new look.

11: PC meeting plus G&A orientation.

12: 2nd Assts Nabit plus G&A orientation.

14: mentoring session.

17: we pin you - cappuccino.

18: PMO family night.

21: ROIP cycle 4 calibration.

23: comms day plus PPA.

25: PMO charity plus bonding session.

27: lunch with randy.

28: new promotion.

and then i have another new TM coming in 1st April. sighz. good luck to me man. where's that chilling kaki of mine? *w. i wanna go out before i really get obsessed with work! =(

'the best relationships are with people who enter your life on accident. but stay on purpose.'

my bro actually asked me about my check up. after alien called and scolded me. =) and yeah. surprisingly my bro still remembered lo. die le. next month muz go le. =(

and i can feel that i am falling sick. lack of water and body aching. and nose starting to run le. after all those sneezes. and i so wanna fall asleep.

have taken panadol. going to sleep now le ba. sighz.

i juz want someone to hug me to sleep can? =(

ok. so i asked *w out one day and he suggested to catch morning glory. but coz don't have a time slot that we can make it for. so we caught perfect rivals instead. his kinda show. although i'm the one laughing more. hahaha. wasn't too bad. and quite interesting. =) this was the one that after watching he sent me back. =)

yest after meeting the gays (=)) i met *w for movie. coz like what i mentioned before. he was the one who asked me out. coz he die die wanna catch morning glory. hahaha. and yeah. so we did. another kind of his shows. although again. i laughed more. =) think i am too stressed at work? =P

and he actually wanted to go out and chill. but coz he asked what time i'm working today and i said morning. so he sent me back instead. and i had to run home to get his belated birthday present and pass to him. eee. heng never test my AED. otherwise i think i sure fail one. =P

yarz. and surprisingly he asked when's my next off days. i doubt he will ask me out. but i guess it makes me a bit happier to know that he actually bothered to ask. =D

kk. time to go sleep le. need to wake up early tmr to clear some paperwork in store and sit down with my manager. coz i wanna leave on time tmr! bro's booking out tmr! XD tatA world! =D

Surprise!

Got 2 surprises today! First was when I met chili and shark for dinner and *someone came along. Or rather I was the extra one. Coz chili asked me yest night. So yeah. Didn't really talk. But not that bad. =) I'm already contented that he don't mind me at the same table.

... ...

While waiting for chili and *someone. *w texted me and asked if I wanna catch a movie. Of course I did la. And again he sent me home lo. I like. =D have I also mentioned how much I love being a pillion on sports bikes? =P

So yeah. I'm happy today though still tired coz these people made my day! =D

Wtf

Somehow emotions still run all over me and threaten to drown me in them whenever I see certain things he posts or says on others' but never on mine.

What izzit that I have done wrong to deserve such treatment? Why am I the one being left behind? Why me? Someone. Tell me why.

... ...

I didn't go for the check up today. Most porb early April I'll go le. I guess.

*w

You don't know how you made me feel.

You made me feel like a little girl all over again. My heart was thumping so hard when your msg came in that I thought my parents might have heard it too. When I was running across the bridge to be with you. It felt like the shortest distance ever. And the ride with the wind blowing in my face was a long forgotten feeling.

Juz a simple movie date made my day. Totally. It was really a lame show. But you were the one who chose it and I had fun laughing and hearing you swear! =)

It's been way too long since I last felt so. And even though you sent me back straight after the movie. In between we could still gossip somewhat.

And I hate you for testing my CPR knowledge! =P and what was that about testing my AED knowledge when I forget about it?!? Eeeee. XD

But *w. Thank you. It really meant a lot to me that you took time out to bring me out and yeah. Some part of me hopes you are still unattached. And yes. I still do miss you. =)

Postpone-ment

It's weird how *b suddenly contacted me last sun as I was going out juz because he wanted to chat. And how he called me today coz he wanted to ask me out for a movie which I didn't go coz I'm working m1 tmr.

And then it made my day that *someone actually posted on my fb. Although the main reason he posted was coz of someone else. Imagine how happy I am when I see his name appear. I juz hope that we can continue chatting on fb if not more.

... ...

My check up is coming but I will postpone it a few days coz seriously? I'm scared. Of what the doctor may say. And coz I don't have the time these few days and my period is coming. I'll see how it goes. But I promise I will be going. If possible by this month end alright?

It hasn't given me problems since that one when store opens. So hopefully everything is under control. I hate how the hospital makes me feel. And I juz wish for a pair of shoulders to be there for me. Coz I'm really really afraid. But the more afraid I am. The more I will go alone. Coz I don't want anyone to see me the way I will be.

=edited=
Dec 15. 2010. 23.48h. Is that promise still valid?

Gf?

suddenly an uncomfortable thought came across my mind.

'what if he's already attached? then will it mean i need to pull back again?' but will i be able to do it? that's another question. i wanna ask and be sure. but i don't dare to. coz i'm afraid of what the answer may be.

going for first aid class was kinda boring at first. coz i hate sitting down in classes. especially when the lecturer is like super boring. i was like fidgeting in my seat the whole time. think ai tze couldn't stand me too. =P heng that lecturer was only for day one. yest and today was another lecturer who looked like rayson lo. so slightly better. but still a bit boring ba. =P

and everytime class starts. when they touch on burns. cpr. i will think of him. hmmmz. i think this chance of being in contact with him again is gonna drive me nuts. =X

=edited=
I feel like the bitch now.

you know how girls are sometimes? we tend to think too much and plan too far. this is how it goes.

when we start getting comfortable with someone. when all the sms comes in and as girls we get all so excited and replies super fast but curses and swears when the other party takes like forever to reply. and it gets better when the other party acknowledges you and treats you more than juz normal friend.

when the guy starts holding your hand and is not shy or embarrassed to be seen with you in public and in front of your friends. that's when we really open up to the other party and our ever active minds starts shifting into overdrive.

we start planning for things that may never happen. like when will we next go out. where we would wanna go. what we wanna do. and it gets worse. we start planning the future. where we wanna stay. where we wanna go for honeymoon. so on...

and the ultimate is where the guy tells you that everything is not possible. you two are never gonna work out. and leaves you for himself or someone better.

... ...

and so i conclude. how can fate be so cruel? i still miss *someone sometimes. coz probably it's still a recent scar. and there were so much left unsaid and undone. i re-read through the msgs he sent previously in fb and in my phone. and tears juz came out unconsciously. and i'm still affected by some of the things he is doing. but i guess slowly i'm not going to mind them much le ba. time blurs the hurt.

and i'm waiting for that fellow to tell me when he's free. coz finally like after how many months. i may juz finally get the chance to meet him again! =D let's see... the last time i met him was in july? for a movie and supper date? hmmmz... i'm thinking if anything else may happen. =) but then again i've learnt not to expect too much when it comes to him. i expect no replies or juz one reply. i expect that all he says are all he says. nothing much. but these days he's been surprising me and i guess that's what made me happy. =) so *w. i'm waiting for your dates! =D

okie. time for bed. long day tmr for more first aid and cpr. tatA world! and mr RC! =P

it all started when i have too many off days i needed to clear. so i cleared 4 at one shot. and alien went with me to pick up the car at ubi. but we went IT fair and had lunch at ximending at raffles city basement. =P

crysantheum tea... a bit tooooo diluted though.

alien's cha bo fried rice with egg.
our mei cai kou rou. =P

my minced meat noodles. =)

after picking up the car brought chili. shark and alien to one of fav hangout places in sin with *w. =) forrest.

fish maw soup!

tofu!

pig's trotters!!! =D

crayfish hor fun! =D

shark with his fav rhino! =P

escalator way up to TPM cafe after dinner. =)

sighz. a major disappointment.

drove over to KAL cafe. and it was really much better than TPM's. sadly. i shared this with chili. =)

shark's... =)

met beloved to buy a new notebook on day 2! and we were crazy to take a pic of this! random-ness. =D

after buying my new asus seashell. went back to pick up my mum and bro and went over to chip bee gardens for da paolo pizza bar! =D

drinks...

bruschetta! =D

mare. seafood pizza in short which my bro adored... =P

i like this better! pizza with buffalo mozzarella and i-forgot-what. but it was really good. trust me on this. =)

the food was alright. what i love was the ambience. but i won't be back so soon. coz the pizza was kinda stale in a way. ingredients were fresh. but yeah. =X sent my mum and bro home and i went and picked beloved. mummy and many years' friend up at the IT fair. and we went for teochew porridge at havelock! =D

me and poor little dish. =(

we went car wash too! and my many years' friend got super duper excited. but then...

so did we! =D

headed down to WCP cafe to chill and ended home at like 3am!?! =P

the next day went to pick up the rest for the start of our cafe experience! =D started at mr roti prata house! =D going back reminded me of the time *w brought me there... hmmmz...

chili's paper milk prata.

shark's ice cream prata.

alien and i ordered this for sharing. =P

my mutton bryani that was super spicy! =X

chili's main course: chicken masala nasi goreng.

mei chun's maggie goreng without the 'red red' sauce. =P

shark's and alien's mee goreng. =D

ice cream time at salted and caramel! =D

alien and i shared the salted caramel. =D

chili's horlicks ice cream.

mei chun in bliss with her avocado ice cream! =D

and off to papa palheta for coffee! =D

but sadly it was full so we headed down to loysel's toy which is their cafe outlet...

a perfect cup...

and another...

risotto... (did i spell correctly?)

my black tea. =D

chili's iced mocha!

mei chun's iced shaken tea that is seriously very very very citrus... =P

and i fell in love with the place. *heartz* then we drove over to SLT cafe before going over to pick angel. =D

and we headed down to chomp chomp for dinner! =D

mei chun's fav. =D

chili's...

the 3 guys acting cool at PMAL cafe... ha! =D

note the different in sizes! =D

and off to WCP cafe for snadwiches and drinks! =D

the many tired and stoning faces after too much laughter! =D

at highlander coffee the very next morning! =D

alien's iced chocolate with egg mayo.

my english breakfast and roast beef foccacia. =D

angel's cheesecake which i found a bit too dense but the rest seems to like it lo. =X

more hot drinks...

chili's sun-dried tomato chicken wrap. =)

one of the many hot drinks. coz all designs' the same. so show the nicest... =)

half a group photo. coz angel got cut off and that alien hid behind shark. =X

more stoning at swenson's at t2!

a regular earthquake! =D

angel's clam chowder...

that attitude beanie that made angel's cappucino and my hot chocolate at ECP cafe! =X

chili's...

di and shark got the best hot chocolate plus design coz it was the other beanie who did theirs! =X

and then we went to return the car together and kinda got lost along the way and almost hit by another car. =X anyways. =P was waiting for the train at mcpherson and i was crazy enough to take another shot of our shoes! too bad the 2 girls ran away lo. so left shark. di. chili. me! =)

stoning away at MC mac while waiting for dinner buffet at sakae to start! all so engrossed with their phones and itouch. hmmmz. =P

see more of them. chili was thinking of cafe meeting. not playing with anything... =)

di and angel drawing money. ha! i am random! =P

and chili posing for me! =D
all in all. it has been a great long weekend off which i enjoyed thoroughly due to the 2 groups of wonderful friends and my family! =D looking forward to hanging out with them again! =D