and you can do so by helping me. but i know you won't.

*y asked me to go redang with him next month. i'm still a bit hesitant. i mean. i treat him like a close friend. but i don't know how i can handle being alone with him when i know he still loves me. i am such a bitch. =(

爱

如果你同时爱两个人，当你得做选择时，你应该选择第二个你爱上的人。因为如果你真的爱第一个，你就不会爱上第二个了。

Sometimes affairs of the heart are not within our control. And sometimes you wonder how things may turn out differently. But sometimes you stop wondering coz it'll never become reality.

Invisibility

I felt invisible. And that's the most insignificant anyone can make me feel. What's past has passed. Is there a need to be this way?

I went coz it was les's wedding. I almost didn't wanna go. Coz why should I when I know somehow no matter how strong I may be or how over you I am. I will still be affected. You proved me right. You did affect me. By making me feel that insignificant that it seems like a dream that we were once together and that my world used to revolve around you. I guess I gave up too much. Opened my heart too much. Became too vulnerable. And that's why I was hurting. I thought I could last through. But the music didn't help. I almost broke down in the middle of it all. But it doesn't matter to you anymore how I feel or react. Coz I'm juz nobody to you. Not worth a mention.

I want to be happy yet I can't move on totally yet. The strings are still tied to you somehow. And I hate myself for that.

I was msging uncle Kelvin juz now about the meet up. and asked him to send my regards to *w. And that was when he told me something interesting. It'll happen within next month. And somehow I hope it'll be nearer to me than further away. Ah well. It's juz my wistful thinking. No big deal. I guess.

Sighz. Complicated heart.

i guess work has really taken up a lot of my time recent months. probably it's the start of a new year. a new store. a new team. and with all this i learnt 2 things.

1) whether you like it or not. once you open a store and vip visits starts coming in. people are bound to know you by name. other rms or managers that i only used to know coz of what they do but never ever dared to talk to them. they know me by name. and everytime someone comes to cm. it's making waves everywhere. sometimes i don't know if this is a good or bad thing. but i guess it's a great exposure for me and my team (if they can accept it). i want cm to be as good as how cck4 used to be. if not better. i wanna be the one that makes the difference in cm. the one that people will remember. and i wanna move on from here.

2) learning is a continuous process. and probably when i know that's where my interest lies together with coaching and training people. i know what i want for the short term. seeing my crew move up to being a cl. cls to fms/ams. ams to 1st assts. 1st asst to rm. i'm happy where i am now. coz i know i'm really here for a reason. i'm starting to spend more time calibrating what i want and the standards i want. and what they should know at each level. to me. no matter which store you come from. what level you are at. as long as you need help and approach me. i'll do it. as long as if i've the know-how. i guess that's what makes me me.

it was another travel today by sandip. senior director of operations for asia pacific middle east asia. ha! what a mouthful. thank god everything went ok. or at least that's what jan text me.

by right it's my off. before my stretch at work when the new promotion starts. but when vikki asked me if i could be around and said she'd asked jan if they can take my store out of the travel. i told her i'd do it. if i don't showcase my store now. once jcp opens. no one will take note of my store as highly as now. and i have a beautiful store with major things in place. so i will showcase it no matter what it takes. this was the chance mickey and vikki took. a gamble. and i will make sure this gamble does not fail no matter what.

yes of course the stress level and expectations are there. and there are what people are saying about me and the store. but guess what? i don't give a damn. as long as those are untruths. why should i let it bother me so much? i should focus on the truths and work on those feedbacks. and it doesn't help when my own zone people and some office people think so highly of me. and i guess it's quite obvious how vikki and mickey treats me as compared to others and i have no doubt some are jealous and all. coz it's pretty obvious isn't it? and i know some who have kinda stopped talking to me when in the past that wasn't the case. kinda sad when you look at it this way.

i have an agreement with myself. there are role models for me to follow out there. it's juz whether i want to or not. and i choose to.

... ...

i guess with work i'm really too busy to think about my heart nowadays. think it should be more or less healed. tmr will determine it. and i'm too occupied to think of meeting *w. but this was what happened to him too. now's my turn. and like before. i'll put my 110% into work. coz other than that. there's nothing much for me to live for. (ok i lied. there's travel and good food too. =))

time will tell what will come and be mine. before that. i'll juz focus on work. friends and family. =) and my bro's back from thailand! =D but he's booking in again tmr. =(

off to bed. tatA world! =)

Arrghz

Absent minded me!!!

Almost reached the bus stop and realized the ever smart me left my ezlink card at home and walled back to get it. Walked back out again and halfway through I realized I forgot to change my specs! I gave up walking back in.

And now I'm feeling hot and sticky. And it's not even 7am! Well done yixiu! No one can beat you at such forgetfulness! Arrghz!

'if life was as sweet as this bowl of candy. it wouldn't be called life.'

i had a hard time since dec. with the challenge of opening a new store. of working with an ex 1st asst. a new team. with many babies. of trying to meet the expectations of vikki and mickey and the rest of the office people. but now looking back. i'm glad i didn't screw up. =)

true. when a person doesn't have a store and when there is a store and everyone is holding onto tasks and running shifts. we all react differently. and when we react differently that is when conflicts will arise. i won't deny that i have a slightly tough team to work with. and that conflicts do happen. but i'll blame it some part on myself. simply coz i have too high expectations and no one expected me to work this way. and of coz i didn't calibrate my standards and demands to the team. that's why things happen.

what i'm glad was for the fact that as long as i gave them the to do list before i went for the trip. most of it has been completed and that my 1st asst has taken care of store surprisingly well. or at least better than what i expected. =) so yeah. i shall juz give directions and continue to follow up and work with my people whether managers or crew or beanies shoulder to shoulder and coach them along.

and i am proud to be part of the cm team. coz vip visits have come and passed. and feedback so far was positive. of course that means that till jcp opens. i will expect more visitors. like tmr mei chun will come down to take shots for the new cafe storebrief. fri alvyn will come and takes shots for the speed squad and uap for ketchup magazine. on fri construction dept are coming down to work on my store design further. and sun jan and construction will come and question me on certain facts and figures.

then next month 1st vikki will travel coz as of 16th feb. my competition with jp has officially started. and then 10th the japan team will be coming to visit my store. and then 25th mr lim swee say will come as well. sighz. why do i have such a popular store?? =)

but the good thing was that at least my efforts and hard work were recognized. and of course more standards were set. but i look forward to more challenges. at least i won't feel bored ah. =P

Another nightmare

I think I'm driving myself crazy.

I has another dream the first night I was in Taipei. This time round I dreamt of *someone. And that we were back together again. Doing things we used to do. Damn. And I woke up feeling like it's so real again.

And like what I said before. Dreams are the opposite of reality. So I guess it means we will never be together again. And like before. 日有所思. 夜有所梦.

Sighz. I hate dreaming.

still in taipei waiting for the vehicle to pick us up.

and trust me when i say i will never tavel with my mum again. i love my mum. but not eonugh to travel with her. arrghz. =X

Nightmare?

I don't know if this constitutes to a nightmare. But believe me when I woke up feeling like shit. It has been too long since I last dreamt. And much so of somebody I know of.

I dreamt he was attached already. To someone much older and somewhat like an ah lian and a showoff. Somehow the dream kinda got twisted and from a third party view there were 2 couples trying to outdo each other.

And I dreamt his picture was on tumblr and that moment I saw. I was in shock. And he no longer even treated me like a friend and I've never felt any lower in my life. I remembered in the dream I was sitting in the backseat of a car his girlfriend was driving with 2 other fellows. *y and alien. And they could tell I was upsetted as well.

And when we reached our destination. *y asked me out and to leave the place.

The dream ended when I dreamt of Jem driving a cab and stopping near my house and those people from office were in my house.

... ...

People says dreams are the opposite of reality. But I don't like this dream. Much less how it makes me feel.

日有所思. 夜有所梦.

"The person who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, and how hard you are to handle. But still wants you in their life."

reached store at like 4.30am in the morning and it's such a torture to sleep only for like 3 hours? sighz. thank god the travel's over and all seems to be well. he's really such difficult person to read and so expressionless that we all don't know what he was thinking. thank god dave murphy came along too! =D hahaha. i'll take murph over tim fenton anytime!

and guess what? i've another visit next month lo. by mr lim swee say. sighz. this is what comes with a limelight store i guess. it's tiring coz i'm doing everything and she's not doing anything. but i've spoken to mickey and vikki already. i'll juz tahan through the next 2 days before my trip and get ready to come back to clear up her shit. then when i come back. it's time for mickey and i to sit down with her again to let her know of our decision. i juz hope i can last through the next 1 to 2 months struggling still. thank god for the rest of the team especially fauziyah. =)

and i went home with *y yest after his work. and yeah. we were talking throughout. and i know how much he still haven't let go of his feelings for me yet. as much as i wanna give him another chance. i know it's impossible coz i will not end up with him and my heart is not with him any longer. i don't wanna break another person's heart anymore.

then coz yest i was talking to *i. and he was saying some stuff and ask me if i got friends to intro to him. i laughed at him lo. but ok la. we're juz friends. and he's helped me a lot while my store was opening. =) so i texted *i and *w wishing them happy valentine's day. and i tell you. i'm not expecting any reply from *w. it's juz a text. coz the past few years he doesn't even acknowledge the text. but *i replied. so he made my day. =)

and then i started preparing for the travel. and juz before they came. i got a reply from *w!!! hahaha. so he's the other person who made my day lo. i was so ecstatic! =D i haven't been expecting much from him anymore. so when he does reply. it's always a bonus and somehow. it juz makes my day. =)

i know all this will not last long. and how long can i keep myself happy like this? i am moving on. slowly but surely. there wasn't any flowers or gifts this year. BUT the best present i have gotten was all the positive feedback during the travel. all the hard work paying off. the sms from the 2 fellows. wishes from *y. and i can't ask for more can i?

life has been good to me. it's time to appreciate it all and continue working hard!

i guess i've found someone who loves me enough to accept the mess i am and the moodiness i have. but sadly. i don't love him that way anymore. the other that accepted me that way. he's too busy at the moment. but like what others like to say. it's always the thoughts that counts. and he's always in my mind. and i hope. me in his. =)

happy valentine's day one and all! XD

Wall-ing

Staring at the 5 pieces of black walls at my cafe seats with *i juz now. And suddenly we started talking about valentine's day and more personal topics.

It's true with so little time and so much to accomplish. We are chiong-ing before we hit 30. Working almost everyday for me and daily for him are getting to be hell soon.

Then he said he usually watch movies alone coz there's no friends in Singapore to slack with. I told him after store stables down I can see how it goes. Ah well.

Time for bed. 2.5 hours of sleep and I need to be off to work to get ready for the travel. Damn.

This is so totally pushing me to the limits already. I have high expectations. I am demanding. Either you accept me as who I am. If not. Thank you. Either you leave or I leave.

Your choice.

=edited=

i cried when i was on the phone with *y. i was texting *w and he was advising me what i should do next. i read someone's fb post. and i came to the conclusion about *someone.

*w: i really can't take it anymore. i don't know why it has to be her and not someone else. i know every organization will have someone like her. i know i can't change her mindset. i know i have to move on from here. but how is my next question. i'm feeling so lost and that i seemed to be doing everything wrongly. i'm feeling totally demoralized. i'm frustrated. pissed off.

i need a drink.

Tired

I can feel my temper getting shorter and shorter. Probably a lot of things my 1st asst is doing is pushing me off big time.

Yarz. Thank god for the SLs. CL and 2nd asst juz now who went makan with me. It's been quite a while since I last laughed so much.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I hope.

I juz wanna stay in bed abs not get out.

Honesty

Brutally honest.

That was what happened yest night after the cny dinner. Was waiting to cab home when Jason and Han came over and asked me go along with them. Coz we all stayed in bpp and cck area. So I did.

On the way. They asked me about store and all. So I shared with them. And also some concerns I have. And I guess Jason isn't that bad. Of course he's brutally honest and says whatever's on his mind. But it's hard to hear the truth sometimes given the current circumstances. And that made me thankful.

Truth hurts. But they gave me ideas on how to improve as well. And that was why I'm so appreciative of them.

If only my 1st asst have half of their thinking. Then perhaps working with her won't be that bad.

'wait for store to stabilize for another few months. Then raise to your bc and change her out.'

I hope things change. People should all be given chances. No?

'how long before you're burnt out? There's only so much you can do. You are also human. You can't sustain this high momentum permanently. You'll be drained.'

How true. I wish I was superhuman too. But it'll never be the case. I am human.

I need my break.

休息是为了走更远的路.

Surprises

Have I mentioned I love surprises? =D

Sometimes at the most unexpected time. Juz a simple and short msg from a person can make or break your day. And I guess that was what made my day yest.

Went store at 5am for the travel. Then sat down with Mickey and then settled the schedule and went home to sleep. Woke up and had to answer a stupid call from some crew's mum that totally pissed me off. So I posted the thing on tumblr. Then went out to meet lover and cl.

And his msgs started coming in. Coz probably I took 2 days to reply. Was really too busy to reply le. Went orchard to meet them. And ended up having mos for brunch at 5.30pm. Then went over to nex to meet Nadia and Matt. And we had hot tomato. =D photos will be up later.

Then we walked around and went down to store with lover and cl to chill till almost 2am. =D

And why I said he made my day? Coz I didn't expect him to reply much less reply so fast. So it kinda caught me off guard. But then again. I told myself not to start hoping anymore coz I'll be left disappointed if it doesn't go accordingly. So I stopped hoping and anything that happens will be a surprise.

Did I mention I love surprises? =D

i know i am drained le. reason: work.

have been working since 30th jan i think. then off on cny first day. then supposed to off this coming monday. but then plans have to cancel. i have to work. then my next off is on 17th feb coz i'm flying with my mummy to taiwan le. =( i am so so tired. i juz wanna have a full day of sleep. it's like even on my day off on 1st cny. i automatically woke up at 7am lo. super sian.

coz today vikki and mickey came down to store to give ang baos. then ask if i'm working on mon coz of travel for value breakfast. then i told them i'm off. but annie will be around. then vikki gave that face. i had to reassure her that it's her d-day. that ah bao is the one on shift. but she said it would be better if i can change shift to cover. sighz. see. what kinda 1st asst i have? might as well don't have. so i'll have to work another 14 days straight.

i don't know how much i can tahan anymore. what with the shit she passes out. and all my working days like back to back. and all morning. and i sleep like 5 hours a night. so not me. =(

my head is throbbing like mad. my nose is threatening to leave me alone. my throat is so sore that i feel like eating ice cream whole day long. so in pain. and i'm feeling so cold.

would you hug me to sleep once more? please?

had a good cny this year. and i got to know some of my cousins better. other than THE couzin. =D hahaha. so yeah. and i played a bit of piano before anyone else came. and it's been years since i last played it. the last when i played for *w i think. that was almost 3 years ago? and of course i had hoped that it would end well too. but i guess that not all things can be to what i want.

was chatting to the girl yest night. (you know who you are) and yes. i'm glad that i had someone to talk to in the wee hours of the night. and that i could juz share my feelings and thoughts. =) thank you girl. you made me feel much better. i juz hope things will work out fine for both of us. =) probably it's true. time will tell. and time will blur the pain and hurt. and we'll juz take all these as lessons learnt. albeit the hard way.

so yeah. went to work today as usual. and breakfast was consistent. $300 more to 5k. but other than that. lunch was soft. so i could go and arrange the storeroom with the other 3 mangers running on floor. and yeah. i thought it was so much neater. but trust me when i say i'm going to kill somebody.

i have:

4 cases of ketchup packets.

5 cases of ketchup pouch.

1 case of chocolate dip.

7 cases of sundae spoons.

2 cases of sundae containers.

3 cases of sundae dome lids.

3 cases of heavy duty degreaser.

2 cases of 16/22oz lids.

11 cases of chilli packets.

0 inners of milo packets.

0 inners of toliet rolls.

4 cases of corn kernel.

1 case of large order box.

0 inners of happy meal toys.

0 inners of balloon sticks.

1.5 cases of mcflurry spoons.

2 cases of 12oz mccafe hot cup.

2 cases of 8oz mccafe hot cup.

2 cases of coffee beans. (the one for sale at flaghip stores)

1.5 cases of amh.

3 cases of 2-in-1 nuggets box.

2.5 cases of spicy box.

0 inners of double filet box.

1.5 cases of qpc box.

3 cases of grill seasoning.

2.5 cases of oreo cookies.

now tell me why i shouldn't kill that person who ordered them in? i don't have a dk for goodness sake. or should i juz feed her to the sharks instead? or should i make her arrange the place herself without any help from any crew? coz she only know how to use her mouth and delegate. but she doesn't do anything. hmmmz. and no follow up.

ok. time to start doing my homework and skinning more people tmr coz if they are not going to get the things i want done. then don't blame me if i get nasty! =P

Personal tweet

Went Fajar mac with bro for supper and then he said something funny.

He: "males should mate by the age if 18 and females by 16."
Me: "at 16 I didn't meet anyone worth mating with yet."
He: "you should still mate when you are 16."
Me: "..."

And upon reaching home. He went on.

He: "I miss having a girlfriend."
Me: "why?!"
He: "I feel so empty. Living my life without any purpose."
Me: "so I should feel empty too? Coz I don't have a boyfriend too."
He: "you're different."
Me: "what's the diff?"
He: "you're working. I'm juz in army."
Me: "..."
He: "girls should really mate when they are 16."
Me: "I'm going to sleep and ignoring you."
He: "guys should mate when they are 18."
Me: "..."

What a bro I have lo. I don't know to laugh or to cry. Hahaha. And my blog is turning to be my personal twitter! XP

Still missing you

Suddenly I thought of you again. I've already tried to stop reading your blog. Visiting your wall on fb. But it's all like a drug. Keeping me addicted to you still.

Anyone can tell me how to stop this missing?

I juz wish you'll come by my store to see me. Juz that once.

=edited=
I read through the posts that has you in it. And the tears juz rolled down freely. 为什么到现在，我还不能控制我的情绪，压抑我对你的感觉。我想从新来过，从新鼓起勇气，爬起来，走过这一段煎熬的时期。

Weirdly

Surprising enough. He replied my msg within the few mins. And also asked a weird question. Sometimes I seriously don't know what to make out of him.

Difference this time is I told myself not to expect too much or even a reply. Coz when I don't expect and it happens it's a surprise. But when I expect and it doesn't happen like at the GO. I could feel myself breaking up. Why izzit that you still have this power over me and my feelings? You should not affect me! Nonono!

Deep down. I am wishing for you to say what I hoped you'll say. Stupid me.

Hurt

“We’re girls, we get jealous, we will hate that mother fucker who spams your Facebook, we tend to assume things, our imaginations go wild. Every second you take to reply, thousands of things goes through our heads; who are you talking to? Is it that motherfucker bitch? We start assuming, and this is when we get insecure. But then.. we’ll try comfort ourselves, we’ll think back to our conversations and make ourselves believe you ain’t that type of guy. So don’t disappoint us.”

=edited=
I don't know why. But I know you'll be in Malaysia by now. And I miss you. I think I am juz silly? It's all the sudden missings that's killing me. Will we ever be friends again?

hahaha. a picture heavy post before my alien complains of too much words. =P

so on my last off day which was on i think 2 weeks ago or so. i met karin for shopping at chinatown and then decided on an imprompto movie date to watch burlesque at cine. hahaha. and we wanted to catch another show after that. ie. back to back. =) love and other drugs. but the seats were bad for the second movie so we bought the last screening time one and had dinner plus chill session at scape mac. hahaha. too bad aqing wasn't working! =P

anyway. burlesque was awesome! =D at first i was hesitant coz of the backdrop it was in. but after a while i fell in love with the movie. of course this is of a different genre from step up 3d. but juz as good. and man! was jack handsome! *gorgeous* XP and i almost cried at the end. coz it was juz so touching! =D

and then we caught love and other drugs after chilling and gossiping. =D it was a super 'fast' show. i was totally caught off guard of what was going to happen lo. but i thought it was quite a nice show. anne hathway was good. but jake was a bit stiff. but still. comparing to burlesque. it was nothing to rave about.

then there's my GO where some of the most important people in my life came and supported. =D

my les. alien. randy and angel. =D

karin. beloved. mummy. =D

couzin. mummy. bro. =D

baby bro! =D

couzin! =D (and why does people who saw this keep asking who is he? hmmmz...)

ray. =D

hahaha. okok. time to go study my monthend reports and get ready for tomorrow's working session with mickey! =D