i know we all have our own pasts and what matters most should be the present. but sometimes. i can't help but think. and then when i read some things. it juz gets me affected. hmmmz. *someone: sorry. =(

so does this mean i've to change all my plans? i'm looking forward to going. but i've been looking forward to monday for so long. why can't my plans be the way i want them to be and not change?

if my next month schedule gets approved. it'll be a lonely christmas and new year's eve spent at home. alone. don't feel like meeting anyone anymore. coz my plans always gets amended. why can't they stick to what i've planned for once?

i'm tired le.

work has been a bit like a rollercoaster ride that is threatening to fall off the rails.

i feel that i've been hit up down left right and i'm juz so tired trying to catch up. not that i can't. it's that my heart is not in it. ever since that fateful day when i had the same conversation with 3 different people. and that was the conversation that will change my life again.

things will never be the same again. i've been crying myself to sleep the past few nights. partially it's coz of the conversation. and partially coz of some personal problems i'm facing. i'm so tired from crying. why aren't you there when i need you the most?

=edited=

i want to be selfish. like really selfish. but i can't.

i hope i don't regret this decision i've made. i hope i'm not the first one to raise the white flag. the pressure is building. the tension is accumulating. the stress level is rising. but i hope i survive this 'bold move' initiated by them.

i've been in this daze since that day. mindlessly doing the things i'm supposed to do but not really knowing what's going on. likfe today. after the meeting. i went to pass *someone something. and then i left immediately. coz i didn't want him to see the way i am now.

i think i'm in pieces now.

and then i've been sitting in front of the com. not knowing what to do anymore. i'm playing games mindlessly. aimlessly. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm in pain. physically and emotionally. i'm feeling disoriented and lost. i've reached my goal. so what's next ffrom here? to stabilize the store. and then?

i am really in pieces now. and there doesn't seem to be anyone who can fix me back anymore.

i need a shoulder to lean on. coz i'm really dreading the next few months. but you're not around.

收拾我的心情。从新出发。加油！

all i want: a collage of memories.

hmmmz. i think i was supposed to share a bit on how my class went? hahaha. the pics are all in facebook. so please self help. =D and here goes the story...

RLP stands for Restaurant Leadership Practice for those of you who are not familiar with the lingo of mac. =) basically in mac we have a couple of classes we need to attend and it follows through in this order: BSMC is basic shift management class for those who are 3 to 6 months in the system. then after that class they muz go for ASMC which is advance shift management class. then after which is EMPC which is effective management practice class. and more or less it stops there for the 2nd assistants. RLP is for newly promoted restaurant managers (rm) or for those 1st assistants who are inline for promotion to rms. and i'm a 1st assistant. the rest you figure out yourselves. =)

so i went with 8 other singapore managers to manila in philippines for the 5 days class. =) and it was fun. in a way that the class's the biggest ever in history. 40 students. =) and then there were representatives from malaysia and philippines as well. of coz singapore is the smallest contingent la. but ah well. =) we were divided into 4 groups of 10. much like in school and we had assignments/projects/presentations/group work to do each day.

and i love going for classes. =)

the most memorable i guess would be when they were teaching on positive work environment and winnie (a professor from indonesia) came in and started lecturing us in the most boring manner ever. and keep in mind that she is actually very nice in class and doesn't read from the book kind. but that particular day she was picking on us and rushing us through the first few minutes into the day. until fadz asked her to smile. and she gave us attitude lo. wth. then we saw the chapter and guessed it was somehow linked to the topic. but it was sooooo boring that i was going to sleep in class if she doesn't change. but no one besides fadz said anything and she continued. so i said my piece as well. basically telling her off (although in a very nice way la! although she yelled at me too.) but i think i was too daring that day coz i juz stood up and told the class that if there's anyone else who would like the old winnie back to stand up. and the whole class did! hahaha. the power of speech! =D and she walked out. and came back as the old friendly winnie! =D hahaha. it was damn funny. =)

the most guilty. when i told winnie off lo. =D but i apologized to her the next day and she apologized too. hahaha. =D

the most traumatizing. was having to 'transfer' from my first group to another. it was juz like the scenario of transferring store. and we had to share our feelings and thoughts. which i did. =D that i was disappointed and felt like crying. but think about it. there muz be a reason why. juz like how transfers are done. =) and it reminded me of what rejit once mentioned. that there are some managers who are for 'internal use' and some of 'export quality'. i guess so far i've been falling into the latter category. that explains why i've moved from jurong to clementi to choa chu kang. hmmmz.

the laughing moments. were of those we did silly dances and singing and songwriting to summarize what we have learnt in the class. hahaha. i video-ed them down and capture the moments on film. and that will last a lifetime. =)

the proudest moment. there were 3 awards for this class. gold hat: like the most impressive and best contributor kind. team leader: each team will have a team leader award. but that is if the person has more than 50% of the votes in the team. and lastly the team challenge: the team with the most points accumulated from the past 5 days of class. the first and last time i heard of someone who swept all the awards was harvey who's with apmea. i had the honour of working with him when he was training in my store a couple of months back. so when i came to this class. i thought there would be a dean's list like previously: more than 90% scored in the final test. (and i got that from bsmc. asmc. short 1 mark for empc!) so i was aiming for that initially. until i read the mail and that there wasn't! =( upsetted . so i went for class juz with the intention of learning from others and contributing to the learning of others. and guess what? in the end i got the rlp team leader award! =D hahaha. and i really thank my team for voting for me and all the support shown from them and my bosses! =D to yenni. kris. rejit. vikki. kc. janita. =D

i guess i learnt from my previous mistakes. of warming up too slowly during class and losing out the awards to others. but this time i was more daring. more un-shy. hahaha. i started speaking the minute i got in. no matter the fact that singapore educational upbringing is for us to be quiet and only speak when spoken to. of course i talk sense la. not nonsense. =P

'if you believe it. if you believe harder. it's impossible to fail.' - ray kroc

=D

and then after class. i flew over to cebu with a friend for like 1.5 days of r&r. and cebu's seafood's real fresh lo! =D heart heart! i told cheese's mum that can she fed-ex over when i miss the seafood? hahaha. coz it's so cheap and fresh! =D

kk. now off for dinner first. before napping a while then out for movie. =D

went over to *someone's place yesterday coz it's been quite some time since we had the chance to juz sit around and for us to pei each other. =) he went off to work and i went bpp to have my jack's place coz i was craving for the ribeye steak! hahaha. yes. i ate alone. =)

but something spoiled my mood. nope. it wasn't the food. nor the service. but the table that was next to mine.

there were 2 ladies and 1 guy eating. talking like they were some big shots and given that i was juz next to them. i couldn't help but grimace at the way they were talking. then came the time for the bill. the guy was paying. and the best part was he wanted to use the maybank vouchers and maybank card to get the 1-for-1 deal. how cheapskate! and worse. he argued that he don't mind paying but that the service sucks juz coz they don't let him do things his way. and he was saying he will write in. and blog and whatever. man. i pity the poor manager. coz this particular guy doesn't seem to know how to read! it was stated clearly in the terms and conditions for the 1-for-1 that you can't mix offers with vouchers!

my tian. with this kinda of singaporeans around. no wonder we get the ugly names and bad service at times! =X

hmmmz. anyway. went shopping at daiso and popular for some materials. hahaha. and then came back and trying to do some stuff. =)

and then i think i'm falling asleep le. so better to go catch a nap before dinner. and then out to watch harry potter! =D

love love! =*

came back from philippines at 6.15pm like that after a week or so away from home. *someone came and picked me up. hee! =D then sent me back. then went for zi char coz i missed it so! =D and coz *someone promised me a treat! (although i still feel bad that we couldn't go to the place we wanted coz of my luggage. =X) then went store to draw key coz i almost forgot i was doing opening! =X

and so i didn't manage to unpack nor upload pics. so i'm doing it now lo. or at least trying to. tired out! =(

pics of my class and trip is on fb. coz i'm too lazy to post here la. hahaha. details can ask me. i'll share. =D

and i miss *someone! =(

after reading a blog. it got me thinking.

is this what i really want? then why do i think so much? and why do i get jealous so easily?

i feel unwanted. =(

and so my luggage's packed. kind of. coz i'm missing my toothbrush. and my shower stuff and chargers are not in yet. others are all in. =) emails are sent. work's behind me now. time for a good night's rest before the class on mon! =D

hope i get a peaceful flight without some of those claustrophobic moments and another good sleep on the plane. the trip down cebu is booked and ready. hahaha. going down with another classmate of mine. =)

tired. mind's kinda switching off le. think i'm really too tired le. ohohoh. but i'm getting hungry too. =P

hope the planning goes well. and that things don't get too out of hand. thank god ah pang is around still. =)

... ...

*someone. i'm gonna miss you so. =( will you miss me too?

bloody fucking pissed off.

after 5 days of sleeping less than 4 hours each day and working straight trying to clear all the shit before the class is killing me. and to add salt to the wound. the fucking movie maker doesn't allow me to burn the video on a dvd. what the fuck? only cd accepted. then never mind. my phone died on me. what the fuck? juz after i complete 2 weeks worth of schedule. my phone has to do this.

and guess what? i haven't started packing my luggage. neither have i comms to the team what they need to take note of. and my gifts are not wrapped yet. and i still have to tolerate this kind of fucking nonsense from my phone. and coz it's public hols the sony ericsson call centre is not open. so how am i supposed to use my phone at all? when all my contacts are in my phone. not sim? and if i lose any of the sms in my phone. they can jolly well go fuck themselves.

i am irritated. coz i have thousand and one things left to clear and this is what fucking happens. i am seriously pissed off. totally.

so guess what? no one can contact me. i can contact no one. (except for store that is.)

seriously fucked up. and guess what? i seriously hate myself for feeling this way. i juz don't feel like going. coz how am i supposed to be myself in front of a bunch of people who know nuts?

fuck the world.

managed to catch legends of the guardians with *someone before i fly off on sun. =) it's a nice show. and probably coz of my mood and all. i almost cried watching it. hmmmz...

and this was a pic i wanted to post quite long ago. but my bluetooth wasn't cooperating with me ma. so i didn't lo. =) thought it was quite cute ma. so i snapped a photo of it. =)

hmmmz. the past few days were busy busy days. but it left me a happy girl. coz of the company i was with! =D

sat was my nan de weekend off. (and also halloween!) so jio lover and karin down to jscc for breakfast. hahaha. =D and i had my big breakfast! so happy lo. and so glad to see the aunties and tao yan. hahaha. so we sat from like 11.30am having breakfast all the way till 1.30pm chit chatting and all. hahaha. =)

then decided to head down to town before going alo to see see look look. =) so we took bus down and went hard rock. hahaha. coz i wanted to eat chilli crab dip and see the pins. and i bought 2 pins! =) one was the one i was aiming to import from US which would have set me back 60 bucks. but i bought it for 20! =D

so at hard rock we ordered drinks. and chilli crab dip and potato skins. =) and sat and chilled for like another 3 hours??? =)

and i love the deco of the place lo. so halloween. hee. and guess what? they celebrated 2 kids' birthday there too lo. one was called emily. the other i couldn't catch at all. i also wanna celebrate my birthday there lo. =(

anyway. i wanted to go paper market to see see look look. but in the end ended up buying somethings. and the xmas stuff too. so now i need time to do the things and i'll be ready for christmas! =D hahaha.

then we went back to forum for california pizza kitchen coz we were hungry and lover have never tried that before. ordered like 2 pastas. 1 pizza. i half salad and drinks. yummy. satisfying dinner lo. hahaha. =D

then talk cock sing song for another 3 hours or so before heading down to alo to see see. hahaha. reached about 9.30pm and thought everyone should have left coz the party and grand opening should have ended. but guess what? saw the mickey. vikki. jeslyn. rejit. kc. eva. adora. fadhil. and my pmo rms. hmmmz. and heard that i was the only 1st asst to show up even though i purposely go late. hahaha. ok la. at least go support a bit ma. =)

and then went for a round of cafe drinks and man. i think even miaka's hot chocolate is much better than the one i had. that one was like hot milk with chocolate flavour lo. no froth at all. hmmmz. =(

but but but! the happiest thing was when mummy and beloved came and joined us at 11pm like that for another round of gossip! hahaha. =D so we chatted till like 1am when we got hungry and went to order another round of food. (i feel like a pig lo. off day eat so much. =P)

left alo at around 2 plus and beloved dropped lover and i off at her place coz karin's staying over. and shared cab with lover and went over to *someone's place for a while lo. although it wasn't very long and he was busy yawning away. at least it's some time spent together ba. =) left at 4am to go back home for sleep. =) heng sun i was doing monthend. slept for like 12 hours straight lo. tired. =)

hmmmz. mon was my other off day this week. coz rlp's pushed forward 1 week. like what the? how to rush my schedule? stupid sia. still got so many things undone. then thurs going chinatown to buy the rlp gifts coz the rest of the classmates a bit hmmmz...

so after mon's briefing went to meet *someone for the ilight event at marina! =) had my portebello mushroom burger before that and then we walked and walked and walked. and i dropped my camera! now my darling has some scratches on them. upsetted. =( good news was that i spent more time with *someone ma. a bit nan de lo. =)

... ...

sometimes i think i really talk too much. juz coz i wanted to juz say what i'm thinking i wu yi zong make others angry. hmmmz. and so coz i felt guilty and hurt in some ways that i cried myself to sleep lo. and i'm juz so so tired le.

so i made this promise to myself. from now onwards i will not cry anymore over these kinda stupid things. coz why should i make myself so hurt and tired when no one appreciates me for it? or when the other party is too angry to even care about what i'm thinking or how i feel when they talk about those things.

and i shall also not say much and no matter how much it may hurt for me to keep my thoughts to myself. at least i won't feel hurt when you get angry at me. at the most i cry myself to sleep again lo. =)

what i seem on the outside is never what i am inside. all i really want is for you to juz pei me a little bit more. to teng me a little bit more. i know it's ridiculous to ask you for that since our schedule sucks. but oh well. wo you shi ye xiang zuo yi ge xiao nu ren. i think i've been too strong for too long. =(

... ...

quite looking forward to the trip and coming back. coz *someone promised to bring me go eat! but he refuses to tell me what lo. hmmmz. never mind. shall be kept in suspense. =) hahaha. kk. time to go to bed. otherwise *someone keeps coming to chase me off!

tatA world! here's good luck to me and one week of hell! =D