and seeing how busy i am recently coz it's nearer monthend. and my boss's not around or busy with her 9 assignments and trying to finish her p&l. the responsibilities automatically comes to me. i mean i don't mind. but it really seems that most of the time no one really knows how i feel. juz coz i love going with my friends means i have to sacrifice those days i have at work to clear all the work i need to clear juz so my off days are really free for them.

i'm not complaining that i have 101 things to do. i do have 101 things to do. it's juz that i have to prioritize what comes first and what's next. i don't like people to wait for me. neither do i like people calling me on my day off. but i know that's not the case. so i take it in my stride.

but all i want are people to understand me. my job. my responsibilities and not think that my off days are really off days. they are never the case. like today. i go down to complete my schedule on my off day coz yest i spent the time clearing all my training stuff and wpr with my managers and cls. and coz i know tmr i'll be out the whole day. i spent the rest of the night today trying to send out all the emails and planning what i need to do on sunday already. and coz mon i'm off but going for a briefing and meeting *someone after that. i muz really plan my time.

this is how my life is. that's why sometimes i feel i'm not ready for a relationship. like what i told *someone. i'm scared. really scared. that this'll be the reason that'll make us drift apart. scared that coz of my work and busy-ness i'll lose him. coz i can't always be there if he needs someone to talk to. or to juz be there. *someone: you may say you don't mind now. but i'm not sure how you'll feel in the long run. like seriously. yes. you told me not to think so much but that doesn't mean i won't think.

when i said i have decided to move on after *w. i really did. i've never looked back since. and i guess there shouldn't be a reason why i should when all i had left was a broken heart and shattered hopes.

i've always been insecure. i admit this. through all my past relationships. i've always felt inferior to others although i know i'm not worse off. i need the care and concern. being strong on the outside doesn't mean i'm a superwoman. there will come a day that i'll break down and cry too. i won't do it in front of anyone. i'll juz cry myself to sleep and continue whatever work or plans i have the next. and everyone will be better off not knowing what happened.

i don't think i'm that hard to be made happy. all it takes are small gestures. like the lollipop *someone passed me the other day. or even when he came over juz to wait for me to finish my lunch at home so that he could send me to work.

but on the other hand. i dislike routine. if a guy does pick me up everyday. i think i'll go crazy one day. (which i think happened to me previously.) but. it's those small surprises that i live for. and all those little moments that i crave for. i am a girl after all.

it's been 20 days since. but it seems like forever.

i know next month is going to be hell. i won't have time to meet anyone at all. coz all i need all my free days to clear up whatever paperwork i have left. and to do 2-3 weeks schedule in advance. juz so that when i go for class and my trip after i can have fun and relax in peace. and that's the reason why i'm not sending out my schedule next month. coz i won't be free.

i'm squeezing in as much things as i can from now till the 13th. and i hope everything goes smoothly from there. i know my boss is going crazy with her schoolwork and balancing family and store. i juz hope she can cope. and i hope that i can unload as much burden of store from her shoulders. she may not be my favourite boss to work with. but she is still one of the better ones. and i juz want to help her out. at least till any other movements are confirmed.

it doesn't matter what happens to me or how i'm pushing myself to the limits (mentally and physically). as long as those around me stays happy.

sometimes it juz takes a change of perspective to understand how others think and function.

i don't regret the decision i've made. but if anytime you want out. tell me. i'll let go. coz no matter how much it may hurt. i know my work life is not what every guy can accept. most will be happier without it around. but i juz hope that somehow. this time. it'll last.

oops. hahaha. lazy to turn le. but here goes.

met up with leigh. soo ling. jas and karin for food for thought near bugis. =)

group pic! =D

butterscotch peach crumble. *lovez*

i quite like the place. the only thing i didn't like was how not good the exhaust was. coz our eyes were stinging throughout. and i think i smelt. for once i was glad i went over from store. coz the uniform is stinky too ma. =) but the best part? meeting up with friends that i haven't met up with for ages. =) *heartz*

and there was jas's wedding with jay. =) lots of pics. but i picked and chose some of the better ones. =)

my first friend's wedding. =) congrats girl. *hugz*

pretty but a bit confused bride. =)

family portrait! =D

jas tearing coz jay was singing songs for her. =) *touch*

i quite like this pic. =D

karin's henna. =)

there will be many short short posts coz if i put all in one i think i'll go crazy. =D

ok. and so here are my makan kakis for sukorean at jurong hill. =)

lover and her happiness at finding another kaki that loves pork. =)

best friend! =D

other best friend! =D

all in all it wans't too bad. juz that the name's confusing. sukorean should be korean right? but there's a lot of jap too. hmmmz...

was finally off on mon and tue. but before i could go off there seemed to be thousand and one things to clear. =(

sun was jas's wedding! =D met karin and leigh for the wedding. pics will be up later. then met karin and beloved for dinner at lot one. coz they followed me home so that i could bathe and change for work. had mos! =D then they parked at my store till 9pm to have dinner with me. *touched* =)

then mon met *someone for brunch and headed down to changi airport. coz i wanted to go ma. =) then walked around and ate lunch and bought chocolates and candy from candy empire. =) then alien called. so went back to lot one to meet her. shark and devil for k. =) till like 11pm. then went back over *someone's place to crash for the night. =)

spent tues rolling around in bed and went down for breakfast at the market near his place. hahaha. and on the way back to his place. guess what i saw? bubble lifts in the hdb blocks!!! hahaha. so the excited me dragged the somewhat reluctant him to take all the way up and down again with me. =D hee! and then i fell back asleep again. hahaha. think i am a pig. =D woke up at like almost 6pm and went down to imm for dinner at ajisen. =) and then coz we saw something we wanted at the airport yest but didn't buy. we cabbed down to the airport. but then. the shop was closed!!! damn upset can! =(

so took a bus back town and then he sent me home lo. hahaha. =D nice nice. ok. and so i'm going off to bed le coz i'm tried. even though i slept so long. and he said i snored! MEANIE! i'm juz tired ok. after so many working days and long hours lo. =X

kk. tatA world. another long day tmr. hiring. meeting. and meeting the girls for dinner! =D

*someone: love love! =D

yes. i may not be a crew anymore. i may not understand totally how you guys feel when you guys have to do jobs of others as well. so you think you can plan better? do better? tell me! i give you my nametag. don't need to buy. I GIVE.

if you think that being a scheduler is an easy task and that plotting people on schedule is easy. say so! bloody hell. request here and there. and then say wanna change schedule when it's already out. so? if i don't change you no show. i change and then other people's shift are affected. like what the fuck?

sometimes you guys say things. i have to listen. but you have zero idea it is for me to do a perfect piece of schedule only to have other people screw it all up when people are excused or no show or on mc. so you think it's fun when i'm already off work and have to think of replacements? fuck off.

i have my own life. i want to have a life. but i have none now. coz no matter where i go. what i do. i can't jzu ignore store and let it burn. maybe when boss comes back i can really be off on my off day. even when i'm out. one call and i've to respond. yes. it's my responsibility and i've no one but myself to blame coz i'm at this postition.

but can't you guys juz spare a thought for me? sometimes i feel you guys juz say like it's all so easy. or say like you guys are always right. what about me? my thoughts? my feelings? my concerns?

another off day that's burnt. or feels like it's burnt. damn.

went to store at 7am to do schedule yest till like around 6pm then was done. of course in between i managed to squeeze in some 'quiz' time with alien on mfy. managed to get more polo tees for the monopoly promotion. and managed to squeeze in a laksa set from wang for brunch. =)

and i happily forgot that family night was yest and was supposed to meet devil for dinner at like 5pm. so in the end waited for shark till 7pm for dinner. and coz i actually wanted to juz give a speech and go off but ended up the guys stayed throughout the event too. hahaha.

so left store around 8pm plus for wu xiang at 302!!! as usual. hahaha. then shark was lazy and tempted us to all cab. so dropped at fajar to print a piece of schedule. chatted with lao ma for a while. then went home.

what was supposed to be a productive night of doing schedule and sending emails ended with me chatting online. fb-ing. and blogging. =D but i did send out that email la. so now only left one more to go. then was about to sleep when i realized i forgot to do something. so went to fajar again to use the com. (this is why 1st asst should have vpn too.) then chatted with lao ma and michael. and then left and slept at like 2am.

my plan today was to sleep till 10am. go cut my hair. meet lao ma for lunch at fajar. and then to do my schedule and send the email and come up with the quiz questions. but guess what? phone kept ringing since 8.30am. so there goes my sleep. wth. doze off and phone rang again. twice. so i gave up and got up at 9am to go cut hair and caught lao ma and michael for breakfast instead. =) lor mee! =D and kelvin kor kor was on shift. =)

then came home and finished today's papers. fb a while. then went off to sleep coz i was really tired. for 1 hour there was peace. then no peace again. phone was ringing. msgs came in. sighz. so now i'm almost done with my schedule. juz left colouring. lines all drawn. hours calculated. so now is my break time. =P

and ms is out. 0% cso. but ms not good. hmmmz. probably might head down to store for a while to take a look. otherwise my to do list for tmr will be even longer. unless i do after work. but let's see if anyone wants to do dinner tmr. =) think shark and devil working also. hmmmz....

then have to complete all these before i meet lover at jurong for dinner at 7.30pm. =) korean food!!! =D i miss my lover. =)

hahaha. okie. time to get back to work.

this weekend is gonna be another hellish one. vikki's travelling our pmo again. i better go do my homework and memorize the numbers before she bombards me and i'm at a loss. cannot throw cck4's face wor. =P

tatA! =D

*edited*

i think the responsibilities are getting heavier. and the expectations? higher. i hope i don't disappoint anyone. *crossez fingerz*

♥ i like. i love. i heart. and i believe love does exists. ♥

no. i'm not going to stop you from doing what you like. and you don't need to purposely wait for me to finish sending my emails and doing my work before going to bathe or sleep or watch your shows or game. i really don't mind. coz this is you. i won't stop you from being you. =)

♥ i like. i love. i heart. and i believe love does exists. ♥

was reading through sunday's papers and came across this article by sumiko tan called 'dealing with the ex factor'. which i can relate very well to now. hmmmz. and then it got me thinking.

excerpts:

'we all enter new relationships carrying baggage from the past. but what's past is past. and is best forgotten or locked away.'

'... i have an insatiable curiosity about her. even though i know that i shouldn't be delving too much into what they once were. he is entitled to his privacy... .... i should respect his private space. more pertinently. talking about her doesn't do me any good. it juz puts me in a really weird mood.'

'the thing is. everyone enters a relationship with baggage.'
'... insecurity crops up in many ways - when he uses her abbreviated name... ... or when he talks about a place i know they had been before... ... it's then that it hits you that they share a whole history your aren't part of.'

'the baggage people bring to new relationships is not juz emotional but also physical.'

'i like to think we are mature enough to accept that... ... we each come with a history. i hope we are big0hearted enough to realize we are both the sum total of not juz our experiences but also the people we had gone out with. i like to think too. that we respect and trust each other enough to give the other a certain amount of private space.'

'why bother with the baggage of yesterday when it's only today that matters.'

... ...

i know it's unfair for me to be jealous of people you were once with coz what matters should be what's present and not the past. and all the more i shouldn't be jealous of someone who you were never together with nor maybe even liked in that sense. but i'm not sure why i feel this way either.

and i know it's not fair to you either when i mention my ex-es. coz i don't know how you feel either. hmmmz.

maybe i have too much baggage? and maybe coz i know i'll never be as good as her. there's juz somethings about her that makes me feel inferior. maybe coz i know her too? it really doesn't help to to keep up the smile while inside a little bit of me dies. like how i'm trying to hold back my tears while typing this out.

i'm not someone who's ever good with words or the actions i do. there are times i wanna say things. but i don't know how to put it across.

like i like the fact that you send me home. that for all the free time you have you make it a point to meet me even though it may juz be for dinner. or even juz to send me home. i really appreciate it. coz like every other girl on the street. i want someone who's there for me. to listen to me rant. to make me smile and laugh and go crazy with. i know i've done some silly things with you. walking barefoot and in the rain in universal was one of those. =) and yes. you are good. coz you know that by calling me and hearing you will make me smile. =)

*someone. thank you for making me believe that somehow somewhere. love really does exists.

20.10.2010. *heart*

hahaha. here are the pics related to the previous posts. =D

hee. damn random i know. but yeah.

went opening today and opened email. and whoa!!! flooded siaz! hmmmz. so my to do list was like a mountain. heng. i completed a bit more than half. so at least tmr lesser things to do. =) then went for dinner with devil at fajar. zi char!!! =D hahaha. feel so full now.

... ...

anyway sometimes what is a muz do for other girls to me it's considered cong-ing me. so it doesn't take much to make me feel spoilt and pampered. like seriously lo. =) well. whatever it is. as long as i'm happy ba. that's what really matters. =)