Last post of 2010

Another year has passed juz like that. To make a long story short. Here it goes:

Like any other year. This was one eventful year with many ups and downs and much tears shed. Be it of happiness or not.

Like many other previous years. Work has been smooth sailing with juz a tiny bit of hiccups along the way. Yet personal life was the one that dealt me the most blows and tried my patience.

I've like all other years before. Come out of 2010 a better. Stronger and faster yixiu. =)

Here's to the end of 2010 and may all the unhappy memories I have be buried and only revisited only when they need to be.

And that 2011 may hold more in store for me and that I may learn much more and walk out of 2011 with my heart and soul intact.

Happy new year everyone! =D

Reflections

Of course no one said it was easy when you have to let go and move on with your life. I know that fact too well. I may have seen this coming coz there's really a world of difference between you and I. So in a way thinking on the positive side. I am not as hurt as how I was. Coz we didn't really spend that much time together. And this is like the shortest relationship I have.

But I do not deny the fact that I did enjoy myself when you were there for me at the end of each day. No matter good or bad. It's a comfort knowing that you care. But somehow I wish and hope you'll treat me like a friend and not ignore me. As a friend I'll still continue to care about you coz I'd like to think of you as one rather than we had a past together. I hope our relationship will turn out like how *y and I are now and not how *b and I are.

Perhaps my thinking and what I'm looking for was different all along. Perhaps we were juz at the wrong place at the wrong time. Perhaps if back than I did not agree to be your girlfriend. None of this would happen and we would still be good friends. I don't know if you'll ever be able to let go of the past. But we all have a future to look forward to. And I hope in the near future we can be friends again. (and in a way I hope you'll continue blogging and not block me. Coz since I can't ask or talk to you as much as I like as like the past. I still wanna read about you. No matter how boring and all. Coz it's sharing and letting me know you're doing fine.)

I thank my mum for being there. And I think that was the wisest choice I made by telling her what happened coz though I cried a bit in the bus juz now. I feel a bit less emotional now. Probably and perhaps are the only words I can use coz I know you don't share unless we ask. So I'm not sure what's your feelings and thoughts during this time we shared.

I almost wanted to drop by your house juz now coz I read your status. But I was afraid of the outright rejection I would get since texting you already got me no reply. What more if I call you and tell you I'm outside your house?

The stronger someone look on the outside the more venerable the person is inside. And I am that kind of person. You may ask me what's wrong but I can laugh and bring it over. But no one has any idea how broken up I am inside.

People keep telling me someone better will come along one day. That special someone that will change the way I look at love. I hope you find that someone that you can connect with too. And I will bless the 2 of you from the bottom of my heart.

Perhaps the dream that day was a hint to what's coming. Coz though people says dreams are the opposite of reality. That dream has no you. But someone else. Yet the end comes that we are not meant to be.

I'll continue being strong. And probably need to find new hobby to occupy myself.

Ps. If things went the way it should. I thought of crashing your house to spend more time with you tomorrow. And that I would be able to share what happened today with you. But I guess this is all my wistful thinking.

As of now I have more things to handle and you presence is actually greatly appreciated. This is the toughest time before a store opens coz there's movements going around and some issues surfacing and shaking the morale of the team. So I juz need someone to be there for ne. Listen to me. Understand what I'm saying and juz lend me that shoulders to lean on coz I'm tired emotionally already.

But. What has happened has happened. I will move myself out of this broken place one piece at a time. And hopefully one day you will see me in one piece again.

Over

Thank you for all the memories and of pei-ing me go crazy. =)

It's over now and time to move on. I'll have no one to turn to at the end of each day now. But I will be strong and throw myself into work instead. I hope I can last till my short getaway though.

Ah well. No use crying yixiu. The cows will not come home anymore.

*someone: I hope you'll be juz fine too. Jiayou! =)

Good things muz end?

Muz all good things come to an end? I know what I want. At least I think I do.

It's your decision after all. And no matter what I want or how I feel. It doesn't matter any more. I'll respect your decision.

I juz hope you don't regret it.

i think i'm posting a tad too frequent on my blog nowadays. guess that's what happens when i'm on the roads more and less time at home to switch on my com. so i blog from phone lo. and it comes to the point when there are things i wanna say but not fb so i've to post it here ba.

today's been a long day with the interviews. second chance. oje. follow up on trainings. and then finally met karin to go k. =) so i juz finished my shower and am blowing my hair dry while using the com. =)

i guess i'll go to sleep once i'm done coz there's no more entertainment and yarz. why should i wait for something that will never happen? sighz.

i guess at times i am really thinking a lot and keeping things to myself le ba. as promised. i will keep myself busy tonight and the whole of tmr so i won't think so much.

we-ll. i'll try. that's all i can say. hates it when i have to do that.

Trying too hard

I guess I try to hard. And then I end up disappointed.

=edited=

The phone rang and the number was private. And I was hoping it was you. but it ain't. *hopez dashed*

And then I read this article and thought how true it was and was so touched that the tears juz rolled down.

Sighz

What an end to a day. The day is over juz like that. No announcements. No last minute surprises. Nothing.

So it seems like every occasion there's no biggie to it. So probably there's really no reason for celebrations.

So maybe I really am asking too much ba. I actually have much things to say. But I never knew where to start. I actually wanted to ask you more things but you're like not comfortable sharing. Then so be it ba.

The world doesn't revolves around me. I am not the axis of your life. Sighz.

had a happy happy christmas! =D

was working yesterday. but went over to beloved's place to meet the girls for takeaway dinner and some cards exchanging. =) was supposed to be watching movies. and playing card games. but we ended up juz drinking and chatting. =D yepz. so it was a happy get-together with my favourite people in the world. =) only thing that could make it better was if *someone had a bit of time for me to chat to. anyway.

slept over with karin at beloved's place and although we got up early we got out of bed after much reluctance at 1pm. hahaha. and went down to lot 1 for lunch at sakae teppanyaki. shopped around for our stuff and of course my purchase of the day is the acer ferrari laptop. hahaha. =D

now at home and trying to get it ready for work on monday. hahaha. =D

i hope i can manage to call *someone and chat with him. if he's not too tired that is. =(

Emotions turbulance

I think I shouldn't have read back the past entries. Coz it got me thinking again. Not a good thing. Is it time yet? Or have I even done it?

finally an off day after 8 straight working days and of running here and there. =)

i didn't do much nor go out. i merely stayed at home and cleared my luggage from my rlp class last month. =) and watched 2 movies with *someone. knight and day and death race. well. at least it was time well spent. =)

kk. my rc's done. things for tomorrow's meeting's also planned and done. now back to clearing my rubbish and then it's off to bed at 9pm. coz i promised *someone. =)

so looking forward to friday coz i'm meeting my girls! =D hee!

Thank you!

*someone. Thank you for waiting for me. For taking the effort to meet me after work even though it was so late. For shopping with me for my work stuff. For sending me home. =)

Really thank you. It makes me feel loved. =D

Be strong!

I know I am busy. I know I don't have much time. I know I'm demanding. I know i talk too much. I know i'm trying to share a lot. But I'm trying my best to fit into your free time no matter how tired I am.

Sighz.

It making me feel lowly.

Interesting twist...

Today started out on the bad side. Coz i've a beanie who's supposed to go for class today that tell me her uniform is not dried. In the wash. Etc. Fine.

Then when the class started with introductions she was like pushing away and so unwilling to participate. Waste my time. Never mind. During the first half of the class she was so quiet. Then after she warmed up it was hell for me.

She was so disrespectful to Mei Chun. And she asks the most ridiculous questions ever and challenge Mei Chun. I mean good challenges are fine but she went overboard. My temper is not very short. But today was stretching my limits totally. I almost strangled her and wanted to ask her to get out le lo. Arrghz.

And she wanted to leave early coz of church. And she didn't inform beforehand. So I asked her to explain to Mei Chun coz she's the trainer for the day and this was her answer when Mei Chun asked her why she muz leave for church. 'I don't care if the rm let me leave or not. I will still go.' WTF!

It's fine she doesn't treat me like a rm. But that is not the way to talk to Mei Chun! Where's the respect sia?

And I know she has been giving problems at cck4 too. But coz the managers know she's my beanie everyone puts up with her. And she doesn't respect the shift leaders either! I know I've been trying to cover her ass but the results are still not showing!

So after class today and after consulting Mei Chun. My team and beanies. We have decided to let her go. This will be my first crew turnover and it's not coz the crew wanna leave. It's coz she's gonna bring trouble for us.

I don't want her to spoil the teamwork at cck4. Neither do I want my managers to suffer coz of her. Much less said the beanies. So the decision is final. I've told Mickey about it as well and she agrees.

... ...

And then I met *someone for and imprompto dinner juz now and chilled a while. Release my anger. =)

And I went back cck4 to collect some things and was talking to George and Shuling. Hmmmz. Things have definitely changed. Sighz.

On my way back on the lrt while uploading pics on fb this little girl came over and squeezed in beside asking what i'm doing. Ended up she was playing vegesamurai on my phone while I was reading her sleeping beauty storybook. Hahaha. And she asked me to read out loud to her. And man! Is her English fluent! *impressed*

Yepz. So the day started out bad but ended with an interesting twist. =)

i think i am dumb. i also don't know why i will click on that link and read the posts. coz now they pisses me off totally. juz like how some rms does.

my day like yest started out well. with reading *someone's blog and the fb updates. =)

then today was a long day with the meeting at wcp and HR updates at kap. and i tell you. the meeting was fine. the art and craft was ok. the exchanging of presents are ok. then i went with mum. han. jason and joseph to makan lunch at west coast market. and then some of the things they said made me laugh. hahaha. that was a good thing. and i also know with my promotion and opening stores have given some senior rms unwanted stress coz vikki used me as an example.

then come the HR updates. some rms asked stupid questions la. it's inside the store brief still ask. my tian. brainless sia. then ask stupid things when it's sated clearly what and how it should be done. then i told my 1st asst. she smack me and laugh and said i was mean. hahaha. maybe la. but really brainless lo. somemore degree student sia. (no offense to the rest of you out there. it's juz that some people that makes me go *smackz head*).

then i was happy coz my baby brother came back from 3 weeks in brunei in one piece! although he almost died coz he ate a poisonous plant. well. at least he survived. thank god. and then we went bpp for jack's place (his treat!=)) and then walk a bit then come home.

and i was still in a good mood! and *someone sms me and i was still happy. until i read those posts. so yeah. i don't know why it has such an impact on me. perhaps it's better i block that person? sighz.

and i'm like totally no mood now le. heng i finished my work already. but seriously. i don't know why it's affecting me so much. juz feel like emo-ing. sighz.

totally sian 1/2. sighz.

=edited=

and i simply hate rms who are so calculative. bloody shit.

Good day! =D

Today started off well. Ended off well today. No tears. No arguments. No disagreements. No feeling of sadness. Juz the feeling of wanting to be a kid at Christmas for once. =D

Anyone wants to pamper me? =D

Testing testing...

Ok. This is my first time trying to write a post from my phone coz I'm still out of the house and I thought it was quite cool if I could blog on my phone. Which will also mean more updates from whenever I feel like it and don't wanna post on fb. =)

Anyway. Today started out fine. Still fine till now with all the cafe training for half of my team and the allocation of tasks. =)

Kk. Think that's all for now. May blog later. See how it goes ba. =)

ok. i think i have rested enough for a day.

tonight and the rest of tmr will be a time to crack my head and try to lighten the situation of opening the store early and getting the team ready for action.

of course i know the teamwork will not be there yet. we will be at the stage of forming with artificial harmony. but i couldn't care less. i juz want to open the store with the number of crew we will have and make sure things go smoothly. the storming stage can come after chinese new year. so that we can all work things out then.

a few things on my mind now:

1) hiring

2) orientation

3) training

4) pulling out of CLs

5) calibration of standards

6) shopping at SP2 for cafe items

7) tabulating the amount to be reverted out for each store

and yes. i will start planning all by tonight. so yeah. it'll be a long night and day.

jiayou yixiu! =)

kill me please. someone. please.

my bc juz called and tell me the opening date of the store might be pushed forward by 8 days! freaking 8 days! arrrghz! that means 1 less week to hire the number of crew to staff up the place! wtf!

arrghz! ok. now i feel the stress. so now the projected opening is on 13 jan instead! arrghz! why did i take the challenge to open a store? oh. it's not my choice. coz i thought opening a store would only come 3 years down the road.

now there's only my 1 cl. 1st asst and me. and no managers and no crew and no other cls. wtf! arrghz.

think i shall vent it all out and then keep quiet for the next 2 days to sort out my thoughts and plan what i should do next. arrghz! where's the ears and shoulders when i need them? arrghz. angry angry!

good day so far. minus my so-not-cooperative voice. =( and yeah. going to sleep soon le. coz that fellow says i muz sleep by ten! =( even if my rc is still running. heng my rc i start for another period le.

and that jolyn damn funny la! during today's nabit this was our conversation through sms:

J: wow! she talk like you lei. that jaya.

X: dumb la... where got? =P

J: haha. got lei... so like you la... goodness.

X: i know you miss my presentaion la... =P

J: haha... faint la... the one sitting beside me is my boss the one beside her is sk... see today they lock me up...

X: hahaha... i know... so you can't run ma!

J: ya... like a jailbird!!!

♥ still believing ♥

14 mins to blog as my rc continues to earn me money.

today has been a long day from 9am till 9.30pm. running around cl3. cck4. cl3. hfc. kap. cck4. juz all to make sure i talk to my people and make sure they stay with us. the stress is starting to come in le. 8 days gone and what have i achieved? time to pause and reflect on myself le. and plan my to do list for the next week. hmmmz.

don't know what hit me. probably lack of sleep and water. so my body is rebelling now. damn that flu. it's making me damn xin ku now. i want warmth. i want love. i want hug. i juz want someone to show concern and care. not juz as a friend but more. i know how to take care of myself. but everytime i am sick. i juz feel like a little girl all over again.

sighz.

yixiu grow up ba. no one will be there since you're always so busy and running around. it's time you plan to fit into others' schedule. not others into yours.

sighz.

i am sick. =( nose's attempting to run away to finland to see santa. throat's getting sorer. i'm getting giddy. but *someone made my day.

coz coz coz i was going home from cityhall and the *someone sms me and kept me company all the way through. and coz i asked for a hug the *someone turned up at bpp instead. =) touched touched. =) for the first time in a long time someone was there when i was sick. and we had ramen. and then he insisted on sending me home. =) hmmmz. he learns fast. =)

during the meal i said something wrong and he was kinda upset. sorry wor. =(

but yeah. all in all it ended alright. no hug. but but but. =*

then yeah. i like the songs i'm hearing now. hahaha. nice nice! =D

i still don't feel the stress yet lehz. how how how? no pressure and i'll under perform! =(

and yeah. i'm going to sleep soon. once my rc is ok. otherwise *someone will nag me again. coz we're chatting online now too. hahaha.

good night world.

good night love. =)

so very shagged. i juz want *someone to try to understand and be there for me. =(

went for the mccafe star awards on monday. then before that *someone came and picked me up. =) *heartz* then we went to jp for haagen daz.

and then we decided to order the christmas fondue. =)

i love the santa decor lo. but where's my snowman? (refer to menu pic) =(

so *someone drew a snowman for me using marshmallow and chocolate fondue. hahaha. a bit ugly. but never mind la. =)

santa in the dip! =D

and these were the flowers we picked up for the award ceremony. =) nice nice!

the ceremony went well. but aiyoz. west zone a bit dead lehz. =( like only vikki and i were the noisy ones lo. hmmmz. i think i need more training to be more thick-skinned le. =(

and shark! congratulations once again! =D

i know we all have our own pasts and what matters most should be the present. but sometimes. i can't help but think. and then when i read some things. it juz gets me affected. hmmmz. *someone: sorry. =(

so does this mean i've to change all my plans? i'm looking forward to going. but i've been looking forward to monday for so long. why can't my plans be the way i want them to be and not change?

if my next month schedule gets approved. it'll be a lonely christmas and new year's eve spent at home. alone. don't feel like meeting anyone anymore. coz my plans always gets amended. why can't they stick to what i've planned for once?

i'm tired le.

work has been a bit like a rollercoaster ride that is threatening to fall off the rails.

i feel that i've been hit up down left right and i'm juz so tired trying to catch up. not that i can't. it's that my heart is not in it. ever since that fateful day when i had the same conversation with 3 different people. and that was the conversation that will change my life again.

things will never be the same again. i've been crying myself to sleep the past few nights. partially it's coz of the conversation. and partially coz of some personal problems i'm facing. i'm so tired from crying. why aren't you there when i need you the most?

=edited=

i want to be selfish. like really selfish. but i can't.

i hope i don't regret this decision i've made. i hope i'm not the first one to raise the white flag. the pressure is building. the tension is accumulating. the stress level is rising. but i hope i survive this 'bold move' initiated by them.

i've been in this daze since that day. mindlessly doing the things i'm supposed to do but not really knowing what's going on. likfe today. after the meeting. i went to pass *someone something. and then i left immediately. coz i didn't want him to see the way i am now.

i think i'm in pieces now.

and then i've been sitting in front of the com. not knowing what to do anymore. i'm playing games mindlessly. aimlessly. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm in pain. physically and emotionally. i'm feeling disoriented and lost. i've reached my goal. so what's next ffrom here? to stabilize the store. and then?

i am really in pieces now. and there doesn't seem to be anyone who can fix me back anymore.

i need a shoulder to lean on. coz i'm really dreading the next few months. but you're not around.

收拾我的心情。从新出发。加油！

all i want: a collage of memories.

hmmmz. i think i was supposed to share a bit on how my class went? hahaha. the pics are all in facebook. so please self help. =D and here goes the story...

RLP stands for Restaurant Leadership Practice for those of you who are not familiar with the lingo of mac. =) basically in mac we have a couple of classes we need to attend and it follows through in this order: BSMC is basic shift management class for those who are 3 to 6 months in the system. then after that class they muz go for ASMC which is advance shift management class. then after which is EMPC which is effective management practice class. and more or less it stops there for the 2nd assistants. RLP is for newly promoted restaurant managers (rm) or for those 1st assistants who are inline for promotion to rms. and i'm a 1st assistant. the rest you figure out yourselves. =)

so i went with 8 other singapore managers to manila in philippines for the 5 days class. =) and it was fun. in a way that the class's the biggest ever in history. 40 students. =) and then there were representatives from malaysia and philippines as well. of coz singapore is the smallest contingent la. but ah well. =) we were divided into 4 groups of 10. much like in school and we had assignments/projects/presentations/group work to do each day.

and i love going for classes. =)

the most memorable i guess would be when they were teaching on positive work environment and winnie (a professor from indonesia) came in and started lecturing us in the most boring manner ever. and keep in mind that she is actually very nice in class and doesn't read from the book kind. but that particular day she was picking on us and rushing us through the first few minutes into the day. until fadz asked her to smile. and she gave us attitude lo. wth. then we saw the chapter and guessed it was somehow linked to the topic. but it was sooooo boring that i was going to sleep in class if she doesn't change. but no one besides fadz said anything and she continued. so i said my piece as well. basically telling her off (although in a very nice way la! although she yelled at me too.) but i think i was too daring that day coz i juz stood up and told the class that if there's anyone else who would like the old winnie back to stand up. and the whole class did! hahaha. the power of speech! =D and she walked out. and came back as the old friendly winnie! =D hahaha. it was damn funny. =)

the most guilty. when i told winnie off lo. =D but i apologized to her the next day and she apologized too. hahaha. =D

the most traumatizing. was having to 'transfer' from my first group to another. it was juz like the scenario of transferring store. and we had to share our feelings and thoughts. which i did. =D that i was disappointed and felt like crying. but think about it. there muz be a reason why. juz like how transfers are done. =) and it reminded me of what rejit once mentioned. that there are some managers who are for 'internal use' and some of 'export quality'. i guess so far i've been falling into the latter category. that explains why i've moved from jurong to clementi to choa chu kang. hmmmz.

the laughing moments. were of those we did silly dances and singing and songwriting to summarize what we have learnt in the class. hahaha. i video-ed them down and capture the moments on film. and that will last a lifetime. =)

the proudest moment. there were 3 awards for this class. gold hat: like the most impressive and best contributor kind. team leader: each team will have a team leader award. but that is if the person has more than 50% of the votes in the team. and lastly the team challenge: the team with the most points accumulated from the past 5 days of class. the first and last time i heard of someone who swept all the awards was harvey who's with apmea. i had the honour of working with him when he was training in my store a couple of months back. so when i came to this class. i thought there would be a dean's list like previously: more than 90% scored in the final test. (and i got that from bsmc. asmc. short 1 mark for empc!) so i was aiming for that initially. until i read the mail and that there wasn't! =( upsetted . so i went for class juz with the intention of learning from others and contributing to the learning of others. and guess what? in the end i got the rlp team leader award! =D hahaha. and i really thank my team for voting for me and all the support shown from them and my bosses! =D to yenni. kris. rejit. vikki. kc. janita. =D

i guess i learnt from my previous mistakes. of warming up too slowly during class and losing out the awards to others. but this time i was more daring. more un-shy. hahaha. i started speaking the minute i got in. no matter the fact that singapore educational upbringing is for us to be quiet and only speak when spoken to. of course i talk sense la. not nonsense. =P

'if you believe it. if you believe harder. it's impossible to fail.' - ray kroc

=D

and then after class. i flew over to cebu with a friend for like 1.5 days of r&r. and cebu's seafood's real fresh lo! =D heart heart! i told cheese's mum that can she fed-ex over when i miss the seafood? hahaha. coz it's so cheap and fresh! =D

kk. now off for dinner first. before napping a while then out for movie. =D

went over to *someone's place yesterday coz it's been quite some time since we had the chance to juz sit around and for us to pei each other. =) he went off to work and i went bpp to have my jack's place coz i was craving for the ribeye steak! hahaha. yes. i ate alone. =)

but something spoiled my mood. nope. it wasn't the food. nor the service. but the table that was next to mine.

there were 2 ladies and 1 guy eating. talking like they were some big shots and given that i was juz next to them. i couldn't help but grimace at the way they were talking. then came the time for the bill. the guy was paying. and the best part was he wanted to use the maybank vouchers and maybank card to get the 1-for-1 deal. how cheapskate! and worse. he argued that he don't mind paying but that the service sucks juz coz they don't let him do things his way. and he was saying he will write in. and blog and whatever. man. i pity the poor manager. coz this particular guy doesn't seem to know how to read! it was stated clearly in the terms and conditions for the 1-for-1 that you can't mix offers with vouchers!

my tian. with this kinda of singaporeans around. no wonder we get the ugly names and bad service at times! =X

hmmmz. anyway. went shopping at daiso and popular for some materials. hahaha. and then came back and trying to do some stuff. =)

and then i think i'm falling asleep le. so better to go catch a nap before dinner. and then out to watch harry potter! =D

love love! =*

came back from philippines at 6.15pm like that after a week or so away from home. *someone came and picked me up. hee! =D then sent me back. then went for zi char coz i missed it so! =D and coz *someone promised me a treat! (although i still feel bad that we couldn't go to the place we wanted coz of my luggage. =X) then went store to draw key coz i almost forgot i was doing opening! =X

and so i didn't manage to unpack nor upload pics. so i'm doing it now lo. or at least trying to. tired out! =(

pics of my class and trip is on fb. coz i'm too lazy to post here la. hahaha. details can ask me. i'll share. =D

and i miss *someone! =(

after reading a blog. it got me thinking.

is this what i really want? then why do i think so much? and why do i get jealous so easily?

i feel unwanted. =(

and so my luggage's packed. kind of. coz i'm missing my toothbrush. and my shower stuff and chargers are not in yet. others are all in. =) emails are sent. work's behind me now. time for a good night's rest before the class on mon! =D

hope i get a peaceful flight without some of those claustrophobic moments and another good sleep on the plane. the trip down cebu is booked and ready. hahaha. going down with another classmate of mine. =)

tired. mind's kinda switching off le. think i'm really too tired le. ohohoh. but i'm getting hungry too. =P

hope the planning goes well. and that things don't get too out of hand. thank god ah pang is around still. =)

... ...

*someone. i'm gonna miss you so. =( will you miss me too?

bloody fucking pissed off.

after 5 days of sleeping less than 4 hours each day and working straight trying to clear all the shit before the class is killing me. and to add salt to the wound. the fucking movie maker doesn't allow me to burn the video on a dvd. what the fuck? only cd accepted. then never mind. my phone died on me. what the fuck? juz after i complete 2 weeks worth of schedule. my phone has to do this.

and guess what? i haven't started packing my luggage. neither have i comms to the team what they need to take note of. and my gifts are not wrapped yet. and i still have to tolerate this kind of fucking nonsense from my phone. and coz it's public hols the sony ericsson call centre is not open. so how am i supposed to use my phone at all? when all my contacts are in my phone. not sim? and if i lose any of the sms in my phone. they can jolly well go fuck themselves.

i am irritated. coz i have thousand and one things left to clear and this is what fucking happens. i am seriously pissed off. totally.

so guess what? no one can contact me. i can contact no one. (except for store that is.)

seriously fucked up. and guess what? i seriously hate myself for feeling this way. i juz don't feel like going. coz how am i supposed to be myself in front of a bunch of people who know nuts?

fuck the world.

managed to catch legends of the guardians with *someone before i fly off on sun. =) it's a nice show. and probably coz of my mood and all. i almost cried watching it. hmmmz...

and this was a pic i wanted to post quite long ago. but my bluetooth wasn't cooperating with me ma. so i didn't lo. =) thought it was quite cute ma. so i snapped a photo of it. =)

hmmmz. the past few days were busy busy days. but it left me a happy girl. coz of the company i was with! =D

sat was my nan de weekend off. (and also halloween!) so jio lover and karin down to jscc for breakfast. hahaha. =D and i had my big breakfast! so happy lo. and so glad to see the aunties and tao yan. hahaha. so we sat from like 11.30am having breakfast all the way till 1.30pm chit chatting and all. hahaha. =)

then decided to head down to town before going alo to see see look look. =) so we took bus down and went hard rock. hahaha. coz i wanted to eat chilli crab dip and see the pins. and i bought 2 pins! =) one was the one i was aiming to import from US which would have set me back 60 bucks. but i bought it for 20! =D

so at hard rock we ordered drinks. and chilli crab dip and potato skins. =) and sat and chilled for like another 3 hours??? =)

and i love the deco of the place lo. so halloween. hee. and guess what? they celebrated 2 kids' birthday there too lo. one was called emily. the other i couldn't catch at all. i also wanna celebrate my birthday there lo. =(

anyway. i wanted to go paper market to see see look look. but in the end ended up buying somethings. and the xmas stuff too. so now i need time to do the things and i'll be ready for christmas! =D hahaha.

then we went back to forum for california pizza kitchen coz we were hungry and lover have never tried that before. ordered like 2 pastas. 1 pizza. i half salad and drinks. yummy. satisfying dinner lo. hahaha. =D

then talk cock sing song for another 3 hours or so before heading down to alo to see see. hahaha. reached about 9.30pm and thought everyone should have left coz the party and grand opening should have ended. but guess what? saw the mickey. vikki. jeslyn. rejit. kc. eva. adora. fadhil. and my pmo rms. hmmmz. and heard that i was the only 1st asst to show up even though i purposely go late. hahaha. ok la. at least go support a bit ma. =)

and then went for a round of cafe drinks and man. i think even miaka's hot chocolate is much better than the one i had. that one was like hot milk with chocolate flavour lo. no froth at all. hmmmz. =(

but but but! the happiest thing was when mummy and beloved came and joined us at 11pm like that for another round of gossip! hahaha. =D so we chatted till like 1am when we got hungry and went to order another round of food. (i feel like a pig lo. off day eat so much. =P)

left alo at around 2 plus and beloved dropped lover and i off at her place coz karin's staying over. and shared cab with lover and went over to *someone's place for a while lo. although it wasn't very long and he was busy yawning away. at least it's some time spent together ba. =) left at 4am to go back home for sleep. =) heng sun i was doing monthend. slept for like 12 hours straight lo. tired. =)

hmmmz. mon was my other off day this week. coz rlp's pushed forward 1 week. like what the? how to rush my schedule? stupid sia. still got so many things undone. then thurs going chinatown to buy the rlp gifts coz the rest of the classmates a bit hmmmz...

so after mon's briefing went to meet *someone for the ilight event at marina! =) had my portebello mushroom burger before that and then we walked and walked and walked. and i dropped my camera! now my darling has some scratches on them. upsetted. =( good news was that i spent more time with *someone ma. a bit nan de lo. =)

... ...

sometimes i think i really talk too much. juz coz i wanted to juz say what i'm thinking i wu yi zong make others angry. hmmmz. and so coz i felt guilty and hurt in some ways that i cried myself to sleep lo. and i'm juz so so tired le.

so i made this promise to myself. from now onwards i will not cry anymore over these kinda stupid things. coz why should i make myself so hurt and tired when no one appreciates me for it? or when the other party is too angry to even care about what i'm thinking or how i feel when they talk about those things.

and i shall also not say much and no matter how much it may hurt for me to keep my thoughts to myself. at least i won't feel hurt when you get angry at me. at the most i cry myself to sleep again lo. =)

what i seem on the outside is never what i am inside. all i really want is for you to juz pei me a little bit more. to teng me a little bit more. i know it's ridiculous to ask you for that since our schedule sucks. but oh well. wo you shi ye xiang zuo yi ge xiao nu ren. i think i've been too strong for too long. =(

... ...

quite looking forward to the trip and coming back. coz *someone promised to bring me go eat! but he refuses to tell me what lo. hmmmz. never mind. shall be kept in suspense. =) hahaha. kk. time to go to bed. otherwise *someone keeps coming to chase me off!

tatA world! here's good luck to me and one week of hell! =D

and seeing how busy i am recently coz it's nearer monthend. and my boss's not around or busy with her 9 assignments and trying to finish her p&l. the responsibilities automatically comes to me. i mean i don't mind. but it really seems that most of the time no one really knows how i feel. juz coz i love going with my friends means i have to sacrifice those days i have at work to clear all the work i need to clear juz so my off days are really free for them.

i'm not complaining that i have 101 things to do. i do have 101 things to do. it's juz that i have to prioritize what comes first and what's next. i don't like people to wait for me. neither do i like people calling me on my day off. but i know that's not the case. so i take it in my stride.

but all i want are people to understand me. my job. my responsibilities and not think that my off days are really off days. they are never the case. like today. i go down to complete my schedule on my off day coz yest i spent the time clearing all my training stuff and wpr with my managers and cls. and coz i know tmr i'll be out the whole day. i spent the rest of the night today trying to send out all the emails and planning what i need to do on sunday already. and coz mon i'm off but going for a briefing and meeting *someone after that. i muz really plan my time.

this is how my life is. that's why sometimes i feel i'm not ready for a relationship. like what i told *someone. i'm scared. really scared. that this'll be the reason that'll make us drift apart. scared that coz of my work and busy-ness i'll lose him. coz i can't always be there if he needs someone to talk to. or to juz be there. *someone: you may say you don't mind now. but i'm not sure how you'll feel in the long run. like seriously. yes. you told me not to think so much but that doesn't mean i won't think.

when i said i have decided to move on after *w. i really did. i've never looked back since. and i guess there shouldn't be a reason why i should when all i had left was a broken heart and shattered hopes.

i've always been insecure. i admit this. through all my past relationships. i've always felt inferior to others although i know i'm not worse off. i need the care and concern. being strong on the outside doesn't mean i'm a superwoman. there will come a day that i'll break down and cry too. i won't do it in front of anyone. i'll juz cry myself to sleep and continue whatever work or plans i have the next. and everyone will be better off not knowing what happened.

i don't think i'm that hard to be made happy. all it takes are small gestures. like the lollipop *someone passed me the other day. or even when he came over juz to wait for me to finish my lunch at home so that he could send me to work.

but on the other hand. i dislike routine. if a guy does pick me up everyday. i think i'll go crazy one day. (which i think happened to me previously.) but. it's those small surprises that i live for. and all those little moments that i crave for. i am a girl after all.

it's been 20 days since. but it seems like forever.

i know next month is going to be hell. i won't have time to meet anyone at all. coz all i need all my free days to clear up whatever paperwork i have left. and to do 2-3 weeks schedule in advance. juz so that when i go for class and my trip after i can have fun and relax in peace. and that's the reason why i'm not sending out my schedule next month. coz i won't be free.

i'm squeezing in as much things as i can from now till the 13th. and i hope everything goes smoothly from there. i know my boss is going crazy with her schoolwork and balancing family and store. i juz hope she can cope. and i hope that i can unload as much burden of store from her shoulders. she may not be my favourite boss to work with. but she is still one of the better ones. and i juz want to help her out. at least till any other movements are confirmed.

it doesn't matter what happens to me or how i'm pushing myself to the limits (mentally and physically). as long as those around me stays happy.

sometimes it juz takes a change of perspective to understand how others think and function.

i don't regret the decision i've made. but if anytime you want out. tell me. i'll let go. coz no matter how much it may hurt. i know my work life is not what every guy can accept. most will be happier without it around. but i juz hope that somehow. this time. it'll last.

oops. hahaha. lazy to turn le. but here goes.

met up with leigh. soo ling. jas and karin for food for thought near bugis. =)

group pic! =D

butterscotch peach crumble. *lovez*

i quite like the place. the only thing i didn't like was how not good the exhaust was. coz our eyes were stinging throughout. and i think i smelt. for once i was glad i went over from store. coz the uniform is stinky too ma. =) but the best part? meeting up with friends that i haven't met up with for ages. =) *heartz*

and there was jas's wedding with jay. =) lots of pics. but i picked and chose some of the better ones. =)

my first friend's wedding. =) congrats girl. *hugz*

pretty but a bit confused bride. =)

family portrait! =D

jas tearing coz jay was singing songs for her. =) *touch*

i quite like this pic. =D

karin's henna. =)