life is short. way too short. so short that i live in fear that i may be the next one to go. what will happen when i really do leave?

i attended a friend's funeral today. and i juz got to know that he passed away this morning. people have msged and missed call me. but coz i switched off my phone. so i only saw and heard everything this morning. at 5.15am.

i don't know what to say. this friend wasn't that close to me. but someone from work. someone who brightens everyone's day with the cheery outlook in life and all the jokes and crappiness. i remember knowing him when he juz came to work. so quiet. so shy. and slowly along the way he became much nosier. and chatty. =)

he passed away last night. but what i know from the others. to pass away in the holy month is a difficult thing. meaning that he is the chosen one. and he passed away on a sunny day. sunny in jurong at least. i should have left my phone on. coz most of them went down NUH immediately. not that i could do anything much. but at least i would have been there.

seeing all of them together again brought back memories of the last gathering during sis's wedding. and now we all gathered coz of a funeral. what a laugh.

the news wasn't supposed to affect me much. coz after all he wasn't really that close to me. i was juz quiet at work. only when wan asked me to call faliq did i break down over the phone. i have no idea why. but i guess letting it out did helped a bit. but seeing the rest of them with red-rimmed eyes and sad faces didn't help my mood. everyone was still in the after shock i guess.

he was only 21 this year. the same age as me. imagine that. 21 and he was juz gone like that. the last time i saw him should be 2 to 3 weeks ago.

life is really so fragile...

i didn't wanna live with regrets but i guess i have none left already. whatever i could do to amend my mistakes i did. i plucked up my courage to say i'm sorry. but it fell on deaf ears i guess. the ball's in the other person's court now. i am trying to move on. really. but everytime something would crop up and remind me again how short life is. juz within the span of this year. i've already attended 2 weddings and 2 funerals.

i'm feeling confused. lost. hopeless. i'm going to be strong and learn to cherish my life more. but izzit really as simple as it sounds? i don't want the next meeting with this group of friends to be for another funeral. i really don't want anything like that to happen.

is there anything i can do to prevent my loved ones from departing? people whom i care for? or izzit really nothing i can do? i can only stand aside and watch them pass me by one by one?

i'm afraid. afraid that i'll be the next.

weather forecast: sunny sunny sunny! =)

hahaha. i am a happy girl. why? coz i got to work with a few of my favourite crew over the weekends! =) lover and lover and serene. zul and dzul. =) hahaha. so much fun! then someone else made my day enjoyable too la. like on sat and mon. =) so i'm happy! make that very very happy. =)

hmmmz. but mama suckz. everytime i hear her name it's like pouring cold water on my mood. dampened. blearghz. hate her. never hated someone so much. but i remember what someone told me before. no use spilling tears over her and her attitude. i'm a big girl now. no more crying over people who are not worth it like her! =)

hee. short short post. need to finish uplading pics to my com. and the hot weather is making me sleepy and sticky! think i shall go maple! =P

weather forecast: sunny.

hahaha. was telling beloved a few hours ago that i'm going to sleep. have been parked in front of my laptop since 4pm. =P but in the end was surfing the net and watched 微笑pasta online. hahaha. think i'm nutz. but i still think that it's a good drama. =) although i am only watching parts and listening to parts of the show. there are parts that still touched me.

and i guess that sometimes it's understandable that why teenager girls like us have all these dreams and stuff that we expect coz they are all figments of our overactive imagination.

there is this list of do's and don't's i have. hahaha. but when it's my turn to have a relationship. most of the things won't be adhered to. coz although i had the 'list' for quite some time. the last time i was in a relationship. most of the things never happen. but somehow now that i'm not in any relationship the things that were once my dreams are happening. hahaha. things that made a little girl like me happy. =P blearghz.

weather forecast: cloudy.

i think i did something wrong. i was reading cuisine and wine the night before and found out that le cordon bleu is opening a new campus in thailand soon. and it got me all itched up to surf their homepage to find out more. unfortunately no details were out yet. damn. i was hoping i could catch a glimpse of what they'll be offering there. perhaps my favourite gastronomy or restaurant and catering management. which currently is only offered at adelaide. =X booie. so unfair. at times is not that i don't wanna study. it's what we say in chinese. 心足力不足. i have the heart to study but there are things to be considered for. blearghz. it makes me feel poorly lo. sianz.

anyway. went for asmc (like finally!) on mon and today. and going again on thurs and fri. it's a 4 days week class. hmmmz. what should i say? seems like everybody knows everybody coz they all went for the same bsmc. while i'm the so-called odd one out not knowing anyone. heng there's azela and sha sha and huijing from UAP. hahaha. a few familiar faces. and got to know more people too. =P i enjoy going for classes at KAP. coz i do learn things from it. it's not juz crap. it's something i'm interested in. and i guess that partly coz we will alwayz end class on time or if not before time. =) and it's considered my working day. hahaha. at store i never end on time. blearghz. coz we gossip gossip ma. =P

going for class keeps me motivated. coz unfortunately at store there's in a controlling manager who only looks at the results and bottom line of every single thing i do. and not a supporting or promoting anaylzing manager. blearghz. sickening. and she didn't even bother to sit down and go through certain parts of my mdp with me. it was sharon and ziana who helped me lo. when i'm not sure i ask them and they'll try to find the answers for me. even though they don't know they'll ask around lo. unlike certain people. =X all the managers with the exception of HER taught me whatever i know now. so even if i do manage to get the dean's list again. NO CREDIT goes to her. ZERO. blearghz. =P

and i realized that i dislike cooking. but i enjoy eating. maybe that's why the gastronomy interests me. i get to taste and critic the food ma. =) but for that you need a really sensitive tongue. which i'm not sure if i have. =X

hahaha. basically this a short post. coz there's nothing much for me to update. no idols and part timers to update about. hahaha. shall wait till i am back at store for more updates. =) but that means fewer updates too. coz it'll be busy busy busy. =)

take carez peepz. *hugz*

weather forecast: humid.

hmmmz. decided to change my blogskin coz it's too dark for my liking. seems to dampen my mood. yellow is a much better colour. =) it's brighter although a teeny bit more kiddish. =)

class's starting tmr. hmmmz. i'm apprenhensive. but i guess it'll be a nice change from working. and i can end punctually. am looking forward to meeting more people too. hahaha. =P hopefully i won't fall asleep during class tmr. =)

anyway. caught jay chou's secret and ratatouille with my bro during his one week school holiday. hahaha. and i spent a ton on things. juz within the 2 days i went out with him. i spent close to $200 on food. tix. and what notz. =X a bit heavy but i guess it's all things that i need. =P

the secret's a nice show. with nice songs. and seeing jay chou play the piano reminded me of kian hui playing the piano. hahaha. i am soooo smittened with jay chou playing the piano! *droolz*

ratatouille's ok. it wouldn't cross my list as the best animated movie ever. but the scene where all the rats were cooking in the kitchen was hilarious. it was much like factory workers trying to complete their tasks. =) finding nemo was a much better animation in my opinion. but the scenes from the movie's pretty. the effiel tower especially. =P pretty pretty!

hmmmz. rented a few shows to watch for the past one month. think i'm nutz lo.
watched devil wears prada. not too bad. at least i didn't fall asleep.
pan's labyrinthian. the show's quite dark actually. a bit sadist also.
dirty dancing: havana nights. the BEST show i've ever watched! i love the fact that the scenes could tell so much through dancing. =) and it made me feel good la. =)
step up. not bad for a dance show. but perhaps the story line could be better.
eragon. the usual kinda of dragon tale. but it made time passed more quickly.
troy. not bad not bad. but a bit draggy.
batmen begins. which i caught in the cinemas.
kingdom of heaven. which i also caught in the cinemas.
seducing mr perfect. a korean movie. which was better than i expected. the story line's predictable but it's the language that alwayz made me feel that the show's good.

hahaha. that's only for movies. i rented drama serials too lo. hahaha.

恶魔在身边 was alright. i thought it was better. but ah well. surprisingly i only cried at the last episode. was really so touching lo. some parts juz made me feel like slapping 贺军翔. he was soooo mean! =X but 王专一 was soooo cute when he played basketball. =) i love it when guys play basketball. soooo shuai. =P
换换爱 is another story featuring the same cast from 恶魔在身边. it's a much better story but as usual. i felt like slapping 贺军翔 too. why does the director alwayz put him in such a role? blearghz. but i think he's cuter than 王专一 ba. coz he got the bad boy look which i also like. =)
微笑pasta was the best out of the 3 that i watched. 张东梁 was really shuai in the drama. unlike in his music videos and all. but i though gino was cuter. hahaha. bad boy look also. and his all-terrain vehicle which he drove in the drama was damn cool. i like! =P

hahaha. think i really have too much free time le. coz i could surf the net almost every night. and maple juz now. and i leveled up! =) too bad i don't have the same motivation for watching tv for reading my tons of books. hmmmz. think i need to pyscho myself to reading them soon. =P

... ...

here goes my random mumblings again:
was thinking how nice it was to actually be able to dance. i love to watch people dance. dancing speak a better story than songs and melodies. you put yourself into the dance and express all that you feel in your movements. the agility of it all. and latin salsa is the one that i would wanna watch if i ever have the chance.

and at times i am envious of those who can keep flying. whether coz of job requirement or for holiday. i really envy them. they can visit places that i can only dream of and enjoy themselves and soak up the culture of the place. *poutz* i really love going overseas. juz that there's financial restriction and also leave restriction. sianz. is there a job which can allow me to fly whenever and wherever i want?

and i wanna go to the maldives! for honeymoon la. =P hahaha. i am thinking a bit too far i know. but i juz wanna go. and stay in the hilton resort. soooo pretty! or vienna. the birthplace of mozart. =) it's so beautiful in an old school way. or france. the country of romance. then i can go and visit the chateus and vineyards. or korea during spring to see the blossoming of the flowers on jeju island. =)

then i hear of others going back to school and people starts asking me why am i not going back. firstly. i guess you could say i'm a workaholic. i love working at mac too much to miss school. i only miss my friends and all the times we spent out of classes doing things we enjoyed. secondly. financial is a problem. i still have a younger bro who's going JC next year. (meaning in another few months' time.) a bro who doesn't know that money is hard to come by and spends without a second thought. (am i talking about myself too? perhaps.) but most importantly. i will only go and further studies taking the course i love. hospitality management. i can consider food and beverage management and operations too. (but that's currently what my class for mac is about.) why should i go and study something that does not interest me? that is not what i pursue in the first place when i went and took up hospi at TP. damn everyone who tries to change my mind about going uni or to take up business or something. =X

i know mac has made many of my friends and i have some misunderstanding here and there. that i can't deny. but sometimes. please try to understand from my point of view as well. i love going out with all of you. but time doesn't permit one to be a slacker at work. work needs my constant attention and ulitmate focus. there's much at stake. i'm not trying to hint that for work i can give up all my friends. i can't. but work is where i get my cash from. it's where i can support my family and myself. and it's only at work where i know that there are people like me. trying to balance a job and family and friends together. but coz of shift work. we can't alwayz be there for the ones we loved. it's tough to do shift work. but it helps when there are friends at work who makes your day and customers who become your friends.

and i feel bad for havaing my daddy working still to support the family. even though he's already 62 this year. 62 and still working. what a hard life. i wanna try to make life better for my parents. but they refuse to hear of any offers to help. other than accepting some part of my pay monthly. they refuse to take anything else. i wanna bring the whole family out for a holiday too. but my parents would rather i go with my friends and enjoy myself. i wanna bring them on a drive around singapore they ask me to save the money for a better holiday. =X some part of me is hanging on a hook knowing full well that my parents could juz pass away in their sleep and leave my bro and i alone. especially when my daddy is of a certain age already. i worry about how he won't get to see me have my own happiness and family. and how time really is cruel to those who wants somethings really badly.

honestly speaking. if not for beloved who pulled me into mac almost 4 years ago. i wouldn't have friends who made me know that i am fortunate. coz i came from an ok school. with ok grades. did well enough to go poly and came from a whole family. that i am being appreciated for things i did and have friends who stood by me.

then stupid thoughts came to me again the night before as i was arranging some of stuff in the living room. coz the place's damn messy. can't stand it le. my piano's totally covered in junk. i doubt anyone can see my piano now lo. =X and i decided to reopen a certain chapter of my memory by reading a few letters. bloody shit. now i don't know what to think anymore. should i be the one who makes the first move now? or should i wait till the holidays? 'forgive is the only way to forget.' like what the? blearghz. i need courage for the next thing i'm going to do. i made up my mind to do it. coz i don't wanna forget. so i shalt not forgive. i'm going to hold out for as long as i need to.

and i feel abandoned and lost at times coz i don't know what's expected of me. or what should i do next. hahaha. i think i think too much. expects too much. therefore when my expectations are not met. i feel dejected. and that in turn will lead to depression. thank god at work there's people to cheer me up and feel like my day's not that bad yet. =P

to all the people at work who makes my day. thank you. =)
to those friends who stuck by me and kept me company in my worst times. thank you. =)

weather forecast: sunny albeit chilly.

hmmmz. was it really so long since i last blogged? coz it seemed like an eternity since my last post. or izzit coz so much has happened since my last post.

work has been fine. tiring but fun. but perhaps i'm already looking forward to the year end holiday. i desperately need a break from this hectic life. i'm not sure how much more i can take before i break down once again.

there was the assistants outing that day to ECP. hahaha. fun fun fun!!! =) to think that i was actually thinking of taking mc. but heng i went. met sis. joy. shima. ct. ray. azahar. michelle and noriadiah (?) for breakfast at long john's. hahaha. a bit the weird the combi but at least we more or less know each other through all the borrwing of products. =P

then while waiting for the bus to ECP. saw all those familiar faces from all the different stores. and new faces too. =)

but thing was. it rained. sucky! =X but there were games. a bit dirty and messy. but well. fun. hahaha. coz my group was first!!! =) especially the one where you were given a picture. and you have to go look for the place and take down the pic of the place. =) and that was where sophia and i hit it off ba. coz we were the odd chinese girls out. hahaha. but somehow could click lehz. she's not bad lo. =) we went cycling too. after all the running around for the pictures. but i guess it was worth it. enjoyable.

but what really made my day was the msg i received on the way back home. =)

perhaps i'm glad i made such a decision back then. coz he finally told me how he felt about it. and over the quarrel we had. what i didn't know was that when he went to work that day. he was upset so jie asked him what happened. he told her he had a quarrel with me. that's all. jie knew what was going on coz i told her what happened. and she explained it to him. hence. the msg i received that was so out of the blue.

i never expected that my decision or the quarrel would lead me to something like this. to an apology. and for someone to say such things. but i'm glad it's all sorted out now. and everything's more or less back to normal. no more keeping the distance. i guess i couldn't be bothered. especially since i'm the one being provoked. i like this kinda relationship. the gray area between friends and lovers. you can do anything coz the other party can't stop you. yet both are happy people. =)

like when we were talking about another attachment manager that day. we burst out laughing at our own joke over it. and there was the cute boy i saw and my idol. whom he's jealous of. hahaha. =P

but now that everything's alright. i'm feeling slightly more upbeat. minus the fact that october is drawing nearer each day.

memories. memories. memories. what should i do with them? =X

blearghz.

don't know what's wrong with me either. but i'm really enjoying the company each day. =) but there's this thought that has been at the back of my mind for some time. what will happen if i do get transferred out? what will happen to me? what will i do? currently i have no answer to it. all i can say now is that i pray that it wouldn't be so fast. i'm not ready.