it's raining outside. juz like how i'm feeling.

don't know why i'm feeling the way i am either. maybe i'm juz too tired.

... ...

went holland v juz now. had lunch with her. =) and after all it was halloween. and i found my cow tale. after so freaking long!!! =P even though we met for only 2 hours. it was worth waking up early. definitely. =)

lunch was a casual affair at bistro delifrance. but i guess it's the company that counts. =) then had a short walk inside holland shopping centre. and that was when i saw the xmas decorations and realized that xmas's juz round the corner.

... ...

time really flies. another year will be over in a blink of the eye.

this's year's been full of ups and downs. but i guess the down period is over. now it's the up. =) i really hope it'll last. it's nice to be happy for a while and smiling to sleep every night. no matter how tired i may be. juz thinking about certain stuff keeps me going.

the going may get tougher as the days goes on. but i hope i can make it through in one piece. at least till the end of the year.

... ...

i she bu de to go for the bintan trip coz i know although physically i'm there. my heart will still be here. as much as i wanna go and have fun and relax. i don't know how well i'll be there. coz i think i'll miss *you. hmmmz. not a good sign.

honestly i was quite worried as to how i'll react today at lunch. coz although nothing seems to have changed. certain thoughts juz kept running through my head. and the thoughts are driving me nutz.

... ...

i'm really going crazy. like swinging on a pendulum. so much thoughts going through my head when all i wanted was...

sighz. i don't know what's coming over me.

it's all so wrong. yet i'm still sticking to it. believing that one day things will change and people can accept for who i am.

is liking someone really so wrong?

i don't know why i'm getting so confused suddenly.

it's like so out of the blue. and then i was reading entries from stomp. certain forums and all. and it struck me that i really am not alone.

i don't know why i'm feeling this way either. or maybe it has been buried inside me all along. for the past few years. juz that i chose to ignore it ba. coz i keep thinking that this things will never happen on me. it's alwayz someone else's life that this belongs to. not mine. i refused to accept that fact.

but it was recently that i really confronted my feelings and thoughts. and i guess that was due to meet ups with friends. and things that they said. and it juz struck me that yes. after so many years. i am still like that.

people around me have changed. and even moved on. but i seemed to be stuck at this same spot as i was 4 years ago. 4 years isn't a very short time. so much have happened yet i'm back to square one all over.

izzit my fault that i juz can't let go?

i don't think so. i think it's juz that i can't control my own feelings and thoughts. that's why i end up being the one who's feeling so suffocated inside.

no matter what i wanna say here is not gonna help or even make sense. so i don't think i'm even gonna try.

... ...

but i'm hurting so badly inside. yet you can't see it. i have a facade. to protect me from further hurt and disappointment i have to act that nothing is wrong. coz i don't know how well or how long i can take it anymore. what do i have to do or say to make you understand what i'm going through and facing everyday? why muz you say those things? yes i'm happy to know how you feel. really i do. yet on the other hand it disturbs me. coz it juz proves to myself how much you really mean to me. and how much i don't wanna lose you.

even if the world around me moves on and changes. i hope things between us won't change. that it'll stay the same. coz...

i miss you. i truly do.

i finally broke down. and this time it's very badly. i don't wanna stand up again. what's the point of standing up when you know that nothing will ever be the same again? that all the fun and joy of working is lost? all lost. i've been crying for the past week and it doesn't seem to help. i juz wanna give up forever.

and then i start wondering why after so long i have yet to let you go.

juz because you said something. i couldn't forget it. and whenever i'm feeling lousy and needed a break you were the first i think of. yet you were not always there when i needed you. you will never know how much you mean to me. juz because you said you wanted to go out. i'll try my best to make it there. no matter how far or how early it may be. yet you'll never know. and i feel stupid for all being so naive and gullible.

everytime you speak of someone else. do you know how i feel? i may seem ok on the outside. but on the inside i'm not. i'm really not.

and then i wonder. how come you never know? or have you realized it but chose to keep quiet coz you know that we both treasure the friendship more than anything else.

i know it's wrong. you should never fall for a friend. and especially in this case. it's all totally wrong. so quit being nice to me. it's juz gonna make me worse.

... ...

i went back crez today. after 4 years. i did it. went back and remembered all the silly things that i've done. all those nooks and corners of the school. all those memeories.

... ...

work suckz big time. i really wanna transfer. i'm juz so pissed. sis. remember to tell me when you resign. i really wanna transfer le. i can't take it. i really can't.

you know what's the best thing in life?

eating oreo cheesecake at midnight sitting on the railing and pouring my heart out.

that's the best thing that's ever happened to me in a long time.

the next best thing would be to be on a bike and feeling the wind brushing against your face and when you feel like you don't have a single care in the world anymore.