the world always looks brighter from behind a smile.

my god. i juz saw my next month's schedule. horrendous. i'm doing 10 closings. 2 graveyards. 5 openings. 1 mid shift. and for the last week i won't be in store for 6 days.

6 DAYS WITHOUT SEEING HIM!!!

damnit.

always be happy coz you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

oh my tian. after doing closing. now then i'm done. and it's almost 5am in the morning.

but i guess it was my fault too. ~*shrugz*~ coz after closing i chose to play basketball. at first was to be with the closers. but in the end turned out to be jason and his friend. and javin. so yeah. then kianhui came too. =) winnie and kwaiyein bought ba chor mee lo. =) so tempting! =)

yeah. then it was getting late. like almost 2am. so they went off too. so i was juz sitting at the basketball court talking to javin and the 2 of us watching jason play before he came and joined us for a chat too. and so it turns out that my 'apple-pie-and-curry-sauce' idol is called jason. ha! finally he relented and told me his real name. and because of a bet we made i owe him an apple pie now. =P

talking to them made me feel that i'm really fortunate. that i'm ok with my studies. that i got a job that i like. and that my family are all out there for me. haiz. so i ended shooting baskets till 3am with javin.

then to pmal to send products and huikoon was there lo. =) and back home to do the poster that maha wants for monday. so yeah. here i am still awake while my mummy has started to boil the water and mop the floor. thank god she cooked bee hoon for me. so yummy!!! =)

... ...

then kianhui asked how come i was still playing basketball. don't i need to go home? i juz didn't feel like. it's been so long since i really enjoyed myself talking and playing. (although my shoulders hurt real bad now. =X)

... ...

it was like the 2nd time in ages that i went out after store close to slack. the other day was with nana and prem. we went wcp's mccafe for supper. and we slacked around and talked. it was a nice feeling lo. juz to sit there and talk and enjoy the night breeze. =)

that is what i like to do. i think i'm becoming a night owl le. hmmmz. that's not very good. but i hope next month my schedule will be that i do more closing. or at least closing on fridays and saturdays. so i can have my kakis to play basketball with. =)

... ...

i've really been enjoying myself this few weeks. going out and meeting up with friends that i've not seen in ages. people like my kor. like sam. waiyee. yinyee. amy. angeline. karin. mich. and then there's another ig gathering next month. =)

now there's so much time for me to spend anyway i want. i can come home late. no need to report to anyone. freedom! all to myself! =)

although too much freedom is not good. but at least i get to do what i feel like doing. like sports. swimming!!! and basketball!!! and soon to be rollerblading!!! =)

hee. i guess i'm too tired and am talking rubbish le.

but as what karin and mich says. i'm the queen of random-ness. so let me rumble through my thoughts.

... ...

i still think he's waaaaaaaay cute. so yeah. although i know it's irritating to keep hearing it. so i'm controlling myself. but i can't help it. he's soooooo cute!!! =)

haiz. liking someone really is so blind. sometimes i wish i hate him. ar at least i'm trying to. =X

... ...

i'm too tired to blog anymore. need my beauty sleep le. otherwise i'm going to become a panda or sotong le. blur blur with black eye rings. =)

you know what i like doing most? sitting round catching up with friends doing nothing. that's the best. =)

alright. time to go. =)

good nightz world! ~*muackz*~

you have to take life as it happens. but you should try to make it happen the way you want to take it.

wah. i am so dead tired.

after swimming. my bro. mummy and i went queensway shopping centre. bro bought 2 pairs of shoes. so rich lo him. =) bought his spikes and soccer boots. ha! now he's officaially broke. =P i saw one of the regular customer working there in one of the shops. the one where he bought the soccer boots from. so he managed to buy that pair for only $60. what a steal! =)

hee. but i spent $101.55 yesterday too. on 2 items only. a new swimsuit and a sports bra. hee hee. =)

hahaha. talking about my bro makes me happy. =)

coz i finally see him grown up and acting more like his age. (although he's still irritating the shit out of me at times. =P)

... ...

and so. since we left home at 8+ am. we only reached home at 4pm. half the day gone. so did my chance to have my beauty sleep. then i parked myself in front of the com for the next 2 hours. ate my dinner and became a couch potato from 7pm till 11pm. then i fianlly went to sleep. =) thinking happily about my life in general. =) but doing opening today. so i woke up at 515am. ~*yawnz*~ and there's no customers at all! blearghz.

... ...

you know what? it's a nice feeling to have a crush and when you know that your crush likes you too. =) it's not love. juz liking. =) hee. but then. it's not very nice to know that you remind him of his ex. and you of someone you love but never with. =X

... ...

i juz went blogsurfing. actually i don't think it's considered surfing. coz i only went to a couple of blogs.

jiamin's one of the ones i visited.

... ...

read a short paragraph regarding jscc. and the things she said juz brought so much more memories back. memories that i would rather keep buried back then. but since things and times have changed. looking back. it's wonderful memories.

jiamin. (if you happen to come by again.)

i'm really sorry for what happened back then. for being the cause of so much misunderstanding between us. i miss those times that we shared too. doing the notice board. rotting around in store. going out to 7-eleven to eat and slack. sharing all those stories and gossiping around. disturbing all the aunties and managers on shift and laughing like crazy in the crew room. and running like crazy together on weekends. =) those were the good old days that i miss the most.

dream on! coz dreams don't need reasons to live.

okie. to all of you guys out there. i would sincerely like to apologize for that previous violent. hasty-written entry. i'm sorry if that entry has caused you guys worry and concern. i'm fine now. really i am. =)

things are much better in my personal life now. i'm also sorry for the last paragraph that i wrote previously. that was written out of hurt and anger and much frustration. =)

so yeah. i'm alright now. fine and happy now that the truth's out in the open. thankz to my sis who helped me out. =)

... ...

went swimming with my bro this morning. i swam 22 laps. in an hour and a half. which wasn't fantastic at all. it was quite bad actually. where did all my stamina go i wonder. hmmmz. or izzit coz i'm grown fatter? ~*lookz hard at my own body and wonderz*~ hee!

but the feel of being in the water. carefree. tension-less. that was the best. and that since i finally had a good night's sleep since like ages ago. today was a great day.

the sun was shining. i'm tanned. i swam. it wasn't humid. i slept enough. i ate enough. i'm happy.

... ...

it's been quite some time since i felt this happy and relieved in a way. maybe i should really swim more often. friday nights for basketball and sunday mornings for swimming. that'll be fantastic. =) hee! juz hope that i won't burn too much of my fats off. =X

... ...

i guess in a way i've managed to move on since then. i don't think that back then was really love. or was it? hmmmz. a point to ponder. but ah well. i shouldn't think so much about the past. it's all over and i'm a new girl.

kudos to my idol for that. hee! ~*grinz*~

juz when i learn to trust again. you have to come and shatter my heart. my hopes. my dreams.

it was the worst day ever. totally utterly bad.

first. i had a lack of sleep yesterday. as what i blogged earlier. then i had to take this sticky humid bus to work. never mind. i tolerate. i reached at 3pm or so to do my inventory. and what has to happen but a shouting match going on. yes. although it was a one way match. i couldn't seem to understand what was the big fuss about. i got hit up down left right and centre. what the f***. i tried hard not to get involved coz i knew that i will lose my temper totally. i don't mind listening to everyone telling me things. but the thing is. don't yell at me.

i don't get the aunties at all. i understand that you guys seem to come and look for me and talk to me and tell me your feelings even though i'm not the one in charge. i don't mind. but that time over some conflict of scheduling. i was yelled at while i was at the counter in front of all the customers. i wasn't the one at fault. i seriously don't mind listening to you. but don't scream at me like it's my fault. i can't promise any solution. i can only communicate to my boss.

and as if the morning/afternoon shift wasn't bad enough. the closers came and they were practically ignoring each other. i was like stuck in the middle of nowhere and i felt juz so lost. so very lost. and i had to hit the target for the day. which was $2571. when i took over was only like $900+. but in the end i did hit the target. so sis. you will get OS today. =)

never mind. then that stupid boy has to come. and i offered to do charge his laptop while he plays basketball. i don't mind. i really don't. that wasn't that bad. after all he made up with his charm and smile. =)

then da jie msged me to say that she wouldn't be coming to play basketball. juz reached home after her mum's birthday celebration. i don't mind. it's fine with me. but i had looked forward to this day for so long. so yeah. it was cancelled juz like that.

in the end we still played. auntie kwai yein and auntie winnie and me. while sulan and seowlan sat on the bench talking. i learnt how to do a layout(???) and am proud of it.

then that stupid boy has to turned up again at almost 2am this morning. that was when the day got from bad to worse.

... ...

STOP teasing me if you hold no feelings for me.
STOP asking favours that you know you can't return.
STOP making a fool out of me.
STOP letting me fall head over heels with you.
STOP tearing my heart into pieces when you know that i'm still recovering.

... ...

~you were the motivation for me going to work everyday especially for closing.
~you were the motivation for me to get back my grade 8 certs.
~you were the motivation for me to make sure i pass my driving on the first try.
~you were the motivation for me to be set on training up my swimming.
~you were the motivation for so many things.

and guess what happens now?

i dread going to work. to seeing you. thank god i'm working morning shifts till next fri. i'm going to give up my determination of going back to basics with my piano.

what am i going to do now?

i'm still going to train up my swimming. coz that's the only thing i knew i was good at. before the status thing started. and i'm going to make sure that that'll be the best thing that ever happens in my life.

i'm going to give up on this silly crush/infatuation that i have on you. you are not worth the time and energy and effort. i can find someone else better. you were such a sweet talker that i almost believed everything you said. thank god that i didn't trust what you said that much.

but if it makes you happy to know this. so be it.

you've hurt me to the maximum. i'm never opening up my private life for anyone else ever again. until they prove their worth.

oppurtunity does comes once in a lifetime and if i never try i would never know. but this time. fate and destiny has to make fun of me again. how many times muz they make fun of me before i find HIM? i thought you would be the one. but it all turns out otherwise.

and let me say this here and now. don't act like you like me unless you really mean it.

bloody jersey no. 5.
i hate you. it's time you step out of my life. my heart. my thoughts. i've had enough of you. you're only one of my regular customers that i know by name. that's all. end of story.

THE END.

~*tearz*~

if living is so painful. i wouldn't want to live at all.

i am SOOOOOO pissed.

at myself that is. all because of one stupid biy and i can't get any sleep AT ALL.

from then till now i was mapling. yes MAPLING. a 20 year old still playing games like a kid. i guess it has to make up for me not having a com in my younger years. =X damnit.

so dumb. why am i born a girl? why can't i be born a guy? that would make things so much easier. =X

i am in so much pain. ARRGHZ!!! can anyone juz pull me away from this sea of agony and slap me awake? ok. wait. make that kill me instead. yes.

god. is this my retribution? i am so frustrated. i can't do anything. i'm like a sitting duck. a dead sitting duck. nothing can get my mind off the matter. DOTZ.

this is starting to sound ridiculous. =X am i making sense here? juz because of one stupid boy and i'm already on my nerves. can you imagine life with more stupid boys? no no no. scrape that. one stupid boy is enough. more than one will be hell for me. =X damn!

i am so screwed up! =X

bloody f***.

reaching too far can cause you to lose your grip.

damnit. i think i've lost the grip on myself.

and that is not a good thing.

i am so so so screwed. damnit.

how screwed up you may ask.

i went to sleep at 2am yesterday night and am working this afternoon again. and now i'm wide awake and blogging.

why?

the simplest reason would be that i was hungry. so long since i had a good and filling dinner. the most difficult reason for me would be that of him.

bloody hell.

i know that this's one violent post with me cursing and swearing every few sentences. damnit.

this is so going to ruin my life.

... ...

maybe it'll be better after i play basketball tonight with the closers and da jie. and juz maybe the skies will clear up when i go swimming this sunday.

time to release all those tension inside me that's threatening to spill over.

... ...

damnit!

arrghz. i am so not suited to be a girl. this is ALL wrong! SO wrong! VERY worng!

to hell with the bloody past.

I AM MOVING ON!

or should i say. i'm trying?

damnit!

memories will fade. but photographs won't.

i FINALLY went out with my kor yesterday. for the first time since we graduated from crez. =) we didn't go anywhere fancy. juz jurong point and we ate at the foodcourt there. =) we had dessert too and then we walked around more or less aimlessly. trying to find swimsuit and slippers. =) we couldn't find ones we like. so we ended up rotting in front of the flower shop. and since nana wasn't feeling very happy i bought her a stalk of rose lo. =) then kor and me went back store and gave her the flower. =) and then. we played basketball for about 1 hour or so. =) ha!

so yeah. it was a good day. though my arms hurt like crazy. but i slept like a baby yesterday. too long never excercise i guess. =) but it felt real good to actually excercise and move about instead of being coop indoors all day long. guess i'm really a outdoors kinda person.

... ...

then suddenly i'm talking more to jeff le. =) and that i'm going to meet people like manmi (my many years' friend =)) and karin darling. =)

maybe this's what being single means. more time to meet up with friends perhaps? =)

... ...

and so i saw my idol today. he came down and talked to me and all. so yeah. i am happy. but thing is. haiz. i've no idea how to put what i'm thinking in words. =X

... ...

it's like. i don't know. i'm so confused over my own feelings.

... ...

i feel wrong. in the sense that i shouldn't even be taking to him at all. it's not rightz. although nana says it's fine.

... ...

i know that the the past is the past le. but yet. it's like still part of me so i can't put it down. i don't wanna make the same mistake again. it's juz feels so wrong to be doing what i like to do.

... ...

i want it to happen yet i dread the happening. it's so difficult to reach a conclusion on my end.

... ...

i like what is happening in my personal life now. i can't deny that. but it's a bit like hanging me on a suspension over a cliffside. all the suspense and all. it's a bit tad slow for my liking. but i still like it.

but although i like it. it still feels wrong for me to be doing this. like i'm betraying someone. i know i'm not. but that thinking is still in me.

... ...

i'll have to admit i want this to keep going on. but i don't know how long i can last on the suspension. i'm juz afraid that one day i'll be cut loose from my suspension and all that i have is taken away from me. that i am left with nothing. nothing at all.

i don't want that to happen. i really really wish that that won't happen. but it's hard to say things regarding the future.

... ...

commitments is not about promises. it's about responsibilities.

haiz. you know what's the reason for me to look forward to each day? coz of work. and why of work? coz i can then see my idol. if he comes that is. which is almost always a yes. =)

i think it has become an obssesion le. hmmmz. that's unhealthy. but no no. i never stalk him or what kz. =) i'm a good girl alright. =)

anyway. met up with waiyee. amy and yinyee that day. =) went to the hk cafe and then to esplanade for some yummy chocolate fondue. ~*lickz lipz*~ was fun catching up and gossiping about life in general. =) and in a way it a farewell for amy who was going overseas for her studies again. wonder when can we meet up again. hmmmz.

recent happenings brought back memories of crez again. times when we had fun chilling out together in the school's pavilion till late. creating chaos in class. it's juz somehow different when you're from a girls school and a co-ed one. things happen differently. you see things differently too.

those are the times i treasure coz those are the friends who were there for me in my lowest and darkest part in life. there were laughter and tears. no doubt about it. but now that i look back. every incident has become a turning point in my life and experience was gained from it.

there would not be any memories if there's only joy in you life. when there's joy. there'll be tears too.

... ...

hahaha. guess what. my kor kor juz called. so i'm going to meet kor later. YIPPEE! so long never meet le. so excited too! hee! =) ~*gigglez*~

i feel so girly all of a sudden. =) hee! ~*blushez*~

to laugh... is to risk appearing the fool.
to weep... is to risk appearing sentimental.
to reach... out is to risk invovlement.
to expose feelings... is to risk exposing your true self.
to place your ideas and dreams before a crowd... is to risk rejection.
to love... is to risk not being loved in return.
to live... is to risk dying.
to hope... is to risk despair.
to try... is to risk failure.

... ...

but risks muz be taken. because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
those who risk nothing do nothing and have nothing.
they may avoid suffering and sorrow. but they cannot learn. feel. change. grow. or love.
chained by their certitude. they are slaves.
they have forfeited their freedom.

... ...

only one who risks is free.

i woke up this morning feeling like shit. after doing mid month and reaching home at 4am this morning. yet i realized that many things i've chasing after are abandoned. maybe it's time for me to hit the books again after so long. not study study kinda books yet. but books for piano. i guess it's about time that i finish my grade 8 certs and 'graduate'. =) it's the only thing that's left undone in my life. a blot in my satisfactory life.

hmmmz.

anyway. to give my daddy face. i've do this questionnaire thingy. so yeah. juz bear with me kz?

Favourites
favourite colour: GREEN!
favourite food: laksa? or izzit nasi lemak? =)
favourite songs: superwoman by gary
favourite movie: the siant. cars.
favourite sport: SWIMMING!!! =) and basketball when da jie's around with my favourite closers. =)
favourite day of the week: all days. coz especially when i work closing that'll be the favourite day of the week! =P
favourite season: summer! the sun the wind and the heat. need i say more? =)
favourite ice-cream: any brand's. as long as it's VANILLA!!! =)

Currents
current mood: happily living the days till my next closing shift. =)
current taste: salty? coz i seem to have lost my appetite and things are better tasted when they are salty. =)
current clothes: terry fox run 2002 tee and shorts
current desktop: my desktop?!? like duh!
current toenail: eh. 10?
current time: 1755h on my hp. 5.52pm on my com. 5.57pm on my wall clock and 6.21pm on the clock on my tv. 6.21?!? that's late!
current surroundings: me. my com. my bro.
current annoyances: my bro!!!

Firsts
first best friends: first one would have to be ziyen from kindergarten. although i've lost contact ever since i went P1. =X
first crush: also from kindergarten. weisiang. =)
first movie: muz be some cartoon. i think was lion king or swan princess. =)
first lie: can't recall. =)
first music: chinese pop coz that's what my mummy listens to!

Lasts
last cigarette: I'm not a smoker although i do have a lighter in my p hole at work. =)
last drink: plain water from my trusty mug at home. =)
last car ride: taxi counted? if yes then at 3.30am this morning. =)
last crush: eh. it's my idol. i can't type the name here lahz. =) ~*blushez*~
last movie: superman returns with the rest of the managers from the whole singapore.
last phone call: with ernnee about work this afternoon.
last CD played: hmmmz. xian jiang qi xia zhuan. =)

Have you ever
have you ever dated your best friend: eh. unfortunately yeah.
have you ever broken the law: NEVER! unless you count sitting on crez's railing a crime. =)
have you ever been arrested: NOPE!
have you ever skinny-dipped: nope. no figure lahz. =)
have you ever been on tv: nope.
have you ever kissed someone you don't know: nope.

5 things you are wearing: my specs. my tee. my shorts. my hairband. and my undies. =)
4 things you done today: sleep. eat. listen to my ipod mini.
3 things you can hear right now: com. bro. keyboard.
1 thing you do when you are bored: SLEEP!!! =)

*5 people to tag. hmmz. i guess they'll be lydz. sam. karin. jasmine. nana. it's okie if you guys don't. =)

and i did this little quiz from leigh's blog. =)

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeed Actively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

yepz. going to makan le.

later going to be couch potato! =)

sometimes i wonder. why izzit that guys seem to make a joke out of everything? from serious matters to others' feelings. they seem to take it for granted that girls won't feel hurt and all.

why?

thursday was the best working day i ever had in ages. my regular customers were all there. the people i was working with are those that i like. except for one. but never mind that. it's all those customers that matters. i met those that seemed to have disppeared but have came back.

the whole group of them were playing basketball and then sitting outside talking and smoking away. =) yes. i know smoking's unhealthy and all. but they can't be stopped. ah well.

people like fei fei and small marcus and jeff. =)

they may not be the best customers ever but somehow i've grown used to seeing them around and chatting to us when there's no crowd.

things happened that day that i'll never forget. something that puts that silly smile on my face which makes me look like a fool whenever i think about it. hee! =)

has any of you met a situation whereby you couldn't do anything right until that something comes along? and then the world suddenly seems a better place to live in.

things happen for a reason i guess. it's juz that i question the reason behind it. fate and destiny has been making fun out of me for the past few years. and i guess that this year's no surprise either. at the lowest point in time when i felt like the world has turned against me and there's nothing anyone can do to make it right. someone comes along and he/she turns out to be my guradian angel who was there all along.

i'm really thankful to daddy. for allowing me a glance into mac's life. and now i've taken more than a glance and i want more.

i really appreciate all those people who made the difference in my life at work. without all of them i wouldn't be the yixiu i am today. working has certainly changed and affected my outlook in life and my attitude and behaviour.

i've met people who came into my life and made changes to it and then left. it hurts when they leave. that i won't lie. my heart was shattered. but i managed to pick myself up and move on in life. i don't look at the past anymore. i learn only from my mistakes and i look forward to what the future may bring.

here's a list of people i wanna thank from work. in no order of merit: =)
daddy
hunloon
yalee
ziana
jiamin
gerald
anthony
jeff
marcus (all 3 of them)
ernnee
my idol number 2
fong leng
sulan
angeline (both of them)
yi bing and gang
aldrich and gang
feifei
qizi
kianhui (no. 5)

these are the people that shaped my life and was there when i needed them. in a way they taught me things that i could never have realized without them. although most of them have left. the little thoughts and actions like dropping by juz to say hi counts a lot. =)

i miss them all no matter where they are. and no matter how bad in their behaviour some of them may be. it's the nice things that they do that i'll always remember.

here's a toast to those who left beautiful memories and a smile on my face. =) cheerz! =)

i've decided to change my skin. that previous one the entry space is too small for my liking. can't really see the pic. this one's much better. =)

the world cup's over. that was fast. italy won. zidane got sent off with a red card. that was the most shocking of all. hmmmz. why do i catch the world cup when i don't even follow the EPL and although i don't play football and all and don't really understand every single rule there is. i still catch it. i was supposed to be in germany with my 4C3 peepz to support our team. that was the promise back then that we made but here we are. all still in singapore. =)

football's THE beautiful game. i don't see how beautiful it is. with teams like portugal and italy around. 7 minutes into the finals and there was penalty kick for france le.

i supported germany. and still do. although all they got was 3rd and the best young footballer award and the golden boot. by klose!!! =) but they were a much better team than 4 years ago. i guess people change.

the whole germany came together as one. rather than east and west germany and they supported their own team with pride and sang their national anthem as one. what we remember of germany was nothing but the dictatorship of hitler. the horror and the nazi germany. it has long changed.

at work the world cup has proved to be a talking point. whether among me and the aunties. the youngsters. or even with my customers.

the world cup does wonders to the relationships and friendships. =)

... ...

i'm going to save money and go to south africa in 4 years time for the world cup. and germany will win then! =)

this's my dream car. so pretty rightz. my bright yellow mazda 6 with 2 pipes and a spoiler. =)

hee. juz my little thought. =)

nightz nightz world. =)

germany lost to italy in extra time. 2 - 0. i shouldn't have watched it and germany would have won. =X.

... ...

i don't wanna work here anymore. i wanna go JP. why muz people be bias?~ especially the managers?~ what the f**k is the place coming to?~

... ...

i know i can't alwayz get what i want and can only be satisfied with what i have. and do whatever i can with it to my best capability. but guess what?~

... ...

that suckz too.

... ...

BIG TIME.

... ...