avoidance complicates things. facing them might make things seem easier.

and another year is coming to an end. i'm not sure if it's a good thing or not though. there are things that are still left undone for me in 2006. but since it has to end. i'll accept it. like what else can i do? my christmas wish didn't come true this time round. so i'll pray harder that my new year wish will come true. *crossez fingerz*

hmmmz. another chapter of my life will be closing soon. and it was one hell of a reading this year. there's been many and downs. but i guess it's all part of my growing up ba.

but yesh. here's wishing everyone a very happy new year. =)

*phoof* and how i wish all my troubles and temper will all disappear.

how can anyone think that i am fine? i am not. serious not. i need to examine my head. my brain. my heart. i am in a mess. a mess so terrible that i have no idea how to get myself out in one piece. how can it be that everyone seems to be moving along juz fine while i keep getting left behind in that same old spot.

why ain't i myself? why can't i be strong? does losing my temper so often nowadays show the change in my character? that i have changed? or izzit coz i'm letting my personal life affect my work and everyone else around me?

i know it's wrong to bring personal things and feelings to work. it's unjust. yet i can't seem to spearate them this time round. i've been doing fine until all this crap started happening. first the mistake. then the riders. now my brother. like it's so fun to be put through crap and feeling like crap? and that i'm the one facing everything alone? ha.

i don't have control nor any say in my life anymore. everyone's trying to make me do things. why can't someone juz give in to me for once? why muz i be the one giving in?

i am a confused child. coz i don't know what's my feelings towards things and people are now. i juz know i want to hate the world and give up living but i can't. make that confused and contradictory.

so much has happened within this one year. it started off quite well. but it's ending badly. so much pain. unhappiness and hurt.

i don't seem to understand how humans can be so evil. so heartless.

maybe like what chenie said. i really muz let it out. for once and for all. she told me to go blow balloons lo. let everything out. or juz let go. i don't understand how letting go will help though. co zi cna't let go. i know i will regret once i do it. and the worse thing's no one seems to making the effort to hold on. i'm like doing a one man show and honestly speaking? i'm sick and tired of always doing it.

i am exhausted. i need a break.

... ...

and i don't know why my tears still fall each night. i thought i should be fine since things seemed to have cooled down. and since you chose to believe that i've moved on with my life. then maybe i should. let everyone believe that i'm fine. put up a front so that no one can see the real me. how many times have i cried coz i made the stupid mistake. i promised myself before that i will not let anyone hurt me anymore. i've had enough. yet i opened up my wounds to have salt rubbed on them. no one will understand why i'm going through so much unnecessary pain. but it's not like i wanted it at all. i don't. if you think i'm happy being like that. you are damn bloody wrong. think again.

finally more books to keep myself occupied. =)

and there's nothing better juz sitting at home curled up in front of my favourite show and not caring about the world.

i have no idea how to describe my day at work. izzit good or bad? i'm not too sure either. tell you guys what happened and then you guys tell me whether it was good or bad then. =)
mds was way busy today. so busy that for the first time in my entire working life. i had 3 runners. dini. sulan and myself. can you imagine the number of orders we had? and worse. i only had 4 riders. 2 of them were very slow pokes. =X and even worse. there were so much orders that i had to call a number of customers to imform them that we would be slightly delayed. what the. i dislike telling poeple we will be late. coz it gives them the impression that we are incapable. i simply detest it. but i had to do what i had to do.

then call centre had to call. to ask if we could change an order as per a customer's request. so yeah. i did. change it and informed my rm. but the very satisfying thing was that this customer called back personally after receiving his order to thank us. for changing his order for him. and the thing was that it wasn't a very big thing. juz a small thing that was within our means to do. but it made me felt good. =)

then there was a few delayed orders. and i called this customer. to inform him we'll be late and he said ok. juz that we should not ring his doorbell as his baby's going to sleep le. we should call his phone when the rider arrives. so yeah. i told the rider. but thing was. he rang the bell. and the customer was damn pissed off. you could hear from his tone of voice that he was really trying to keep his anger in check. my god. i was like 'why me?' and the worse part was that he said it wasn't the first time. that he did call call centre to imform them of his unhappiness. but call centre did not do anything. not even type at the remarks there that we should not ring his doorbell. what the. if it's not the first time. i guess you can imagine how pissed he really was. but he did say something else that was comforting to know. that for my store it's our first time. which means other times were other stores. and yes. he did take down my name and wanted to spaek to my rm. but i told him she wasn't around. could i get her to call him back. he said never mind. hmmmz. i hate complaints. but thank god he did not shout at me. let's juz hope there won't be a next time again. i want to prove to him that we do keep our promises. it's not an empty promise. *crossez fingerz*

then at around 11pm. another customer called. and this customer was someone whose order was delayed. never mind about the delay. but my dearest rider switched the bags. that means her order was switched with someone else's. my tian. when i called her the second time to apologize for the mistake. it was horrendous. she sounded quiteupset. coz first we were late. and then the order was wrong. thing was. it wasn't a very complicated order. juz a medium iced tea. 20 pcs of nuggets. 1 large fries. that's all. i felt damn bad la. i mean. what if i was the customer? how would i have reacted? but when she called back. i thought she wanted to complain. turns out she juz wanted to make some enquires about our new bundle meals for mds. whew.

and she was juz so nice over the phone and praised mac and my store. and i was like 'wow'. =) so happy lo. she did mention about the delivery incident and asked me not to be too harsh on the rider. hahaha. i was like ok. then i thank her lo. for calling us back and trusting us in sending the order to her although we made mistakes. =) then she asked for my name too. ha! this time i wan't afraid she'll complain me. so i gave more willingly. funny how the mind works lo. =) and she asked where was my store. that she'll drop by. i say ok. like duh. =) and that she can juz come by and say hi lo. and she was so happy over it. that she would have one more new friend. hahaha. =) guess we made her day too. =)

and then i realized the reason why i'm at this job. this line. coz i enjoy making people's day. =) and the satisfaction i get from doing my job well. the smiles on people's faces. it's really a people line i guess. everything revolves around people. their behaviours. their body language. their tone of voice. =) it's the little things that count. so although sometimes i really wanna change job coz i didn't think i could face people another day. i can't imagine myself at a desk job. 24/7. facing something's that's not alive. no offence to anyone out there. but it's juz so not me. so yeah. =)

... ...

have i really changed? i'm not that sure either. i know my temper's getting the better of me at work. coz i scolded one of the riders that day. my excuse for scolding him? he was way slow. taking his own sweet time to pack the condiments and packing the food into his bag. when the order was due in like 4 minutes' time and the journey to the destination takes about 10 minutes. then i askhim to hurry you know what he answered back? 'i don't wanna send la. i go home.' so i retorted back. 'can. return me your float. punch out now.' so bloody pissed off. i had another 6 pending orders and he's still slowly doing his things. so fed up. and he was quite shocked lo. coz i never raise my voice. but i really couldn't take it.

he went to tell deen. another rider. he asked deen if i was in a bad mood coz i yelled at him. deen juz shrugged it off. but deen came to tell me. coz out of all the riders. deen's one the closest i am with. he's like my dad lo. he's married and has 3 kids le. but deen didn't scold me for yelling at him. he said i did the right thing lo. ha! turns out he always thinks that i'm too nice to everyone. so i get taken advantage of. that i should be more fierce and firm. hahaha. i laughed lo.
but yeah. that was when i was given my wake up call. draw a line between fun and work. yes. i can have fun at work. but there's a difference. i muz known when to be serious. coz i need to get things done. and i muz set an example. especially to the youngsters. yepz.

... ...

this period of one month has been enough for me to sort out all my thoughts. no matter how messy my thoughts still are. at least they seem to be in place. coz if more time was given to me to sort things out. i tell you. there would be no end to it. so i would juz leave it as that.

i am tired. physically and mentally. and i have no idea why. i thought the trip would loosen me up. it did. but. *shrugz* if only wishing on a shooting star would work. coz i seemed to have made a wish upon the star. but i think it was in my dreams. =P

sometimes i wish my life was more like a drama serial. more extreme ups and downs in life. i also don't know why. but i juz wish for it to be that way.

i really look forward to the 1 week that i took leave from work. i think i need a good rest. i need time to myself.

and time check now: 07.12am. how long have i been blogging? 4 hours? my goodness. sighz.

this's what happens when there's other distractions online. like maple. ha! =) i'm a fighter! =) crusader with doombringer here i come! =)

thoughts don't hurt. actions do.

after a break. it does seems much better. fresh air and laughter does much good to health. =) hmmmz. i miss the kelong food there lehz. it was really sooooo shell licking good. =P even juz thinking about it makes my tummy growl. or izzit coz it's almost dinner time? hmmmz. =)

... ...

but there has been much changes recently. like at work. in my life. maybe it's for the better. maybe for the worse. but i juz hope i'll make it through. cheerz! =)

and i felt like i went to heaven and back.

went bintan with a few good friends. hahaha. and it was definitely an experinece in its own.

us before boarding the ferry at tanah merah ferry terminal's walkway.

us on the ferry looking forward to bintan and 3 days of unlimited fun. =)

and here we come at last bintan! bye singapore!

and we were at tanjong pinang after a 11/2 hours ferry ride on the rocky sea.

and the sights along the way to our farm resort.

and the entrance of the farm resort.

standing at the lobby entrance. our first pic together on bintan! =)

our rooms.

one pic before our lunch in heliconia.

and yesh! here's the lunch! =)

and the trishaw ride around the premises.

the swiming pool. but can't tell the murkiness of the pool's water lehz.

and the jacuzzi at the spa centre. and man was it hot when we had a go at it. i think i got scalded in it. =( i was like sweating like crazy in it lo. and it was only 15 minutes. blearghz.

at the driving range.

and then we felt the satisfaction of golfing although our arms ached like mad the next day.

and this's the view from my beach resort room.

we went kayaking and banana-boating before gogin for dinner at the kelong. but coz my poor camera wasn't waterproof. i couldn't bring it along for the fun. =X but then the good food at the kelong more than made up for the loss of more pics. =)

looking forward to a good hearty meal...?

coconuts and a basin of rice anyone? =P

my kangkong belachan...

next up's the chilli lalas? izzit lalas? never mind. but to take note of this serving. it's small...

the garlic butter prawns...

pepper crab... with tons of roe... =)

steamed kerupa in soya bean paste. a bit weird. but we saw the fish when it was alive and kicking and after cooking. imagine the freshness! yummy! =)

and yesh. this is another SMALL serving of chilli lalas. compare the pics... =P

and seems like the 4 hungry ghosts are finally full and satisfied... =) and it all costs S$65 only. whoa!

mixture of feelings upon leaving...

... ...

i realized that little things can make many people happy. =)

volcano? hurricane? twister? EARTHQUAKE! =)

the close up...

with my many whip cream and 8 flavours of ice cream. and there was 2 giant earthquakes. for the 9 under-fed colleagues of my dearest mama. =)

the guys...

and the girls...

and all of us... =) our treat...




what's lunch without dessert i wonder...

happy moments... =)

jin tian bu zhi min tian de shi.

as i try to walk away...

the sky around me seems to get darker...


till it started pouring... pouring in my heart...


and i don't know what's gonna happen to me next...


... ....

i met dajie yest after store close again. for basketball and our routine supper and catching up. yes. although we've met on sun. there was still things to talk about. and so we stayed from 1.30am playing basketball and eating all the way till 5.45am in the morning. hahaha. was really nice juz sitting and chilling out. and laughing at each other. =)

i guess that's why i felt good. coz i felt happy. relaxed. and crazy. =)

for once.

... ...

learn to write your hurts in the sand and carve your blessings in stone.

i met dajie on sun. and it was really good juz catching up and pouring my heart out once again. juz like how i did it when i went daddy's house. yeah. dajie and i chatted non-stop for like 5 hours lo. juz sitting there and talking. i really miss my dajie so much. =X

... ...

burnt.
frustrated.
hopeless.
demoralized.
stressed.
unappreciated.
disheartened.
exhausted.
lost.

... ...

i really feel like i'm gonna collapse any second. life's really so fragile. nothing seems to be going right at this moment in my life. and i don't even know if it will ever get better. daddy you told me to be strong and that we have to get over them. but it's really really so hard. i feel so disheartened.

and suddenly i juz miss my bro so much. coz he's at his class chalet. it's like the house's so quiet. no one's mapling except me. no one's there to irritate me. no one to get my blood boiling and back in circulation. no one to make me laugh. i juz miss him lo. no matter how much i may hate him at times he is still my bro. my one and only immatured bro.

... ...

i juz wanna be selfish for once and tell you that you mean a lot to me. juz the friendship alone is dazzling. but juz coz i don't wanna get hurt i chose not to say anything. nothing at all. and i guess you did the same. i don't even know if you've received the parcel. but since there's no news i'll juz assume that it's lost and you didn't get it. might as well then. at least it showed me how much i mean to you. with you saying that you'll reply my letter. i'm still waiting. yes. it's a selfish thought coz i know you're busy with school and exams. but does it mean i'm more free since i could go send the parcel to you? fuck it. why should i be so bothered over small things like these? do you really play such a big role in my life? ... ... i wanna be strong and face the challenges in my life bravely. but i can't do it. coz at the times when i've chosen to truly let go and move on you juz pop into my head without warning. why? it's been like this for the past 4 years and i'm getting sick and tired of it all. STOP PLAYING MIND TRICKS ON ME!

i'm really forced to the end of the road. no more places to hide. no more places to go. i feel so vulnerable. so exposed. like i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.

i wonder how much sand is needed for me to carve my hurt in it? will the beach at bintan be big enough?

... ...

every weekend the sales will be fantastic. but no crew. coz as my dearest mama likes to say. 'no OT. no double pay.' but that fucking ernnee can have double pay crew and maha doesn't even question it at all. what the?

thank god that the riders and crew are mostly nice people. i get appreciation from them. not my boss. they are the one who tell me 'good job yixiu. well done.' or like chenie. after i managed to ckeck the sales and announce it to them. everyone juz clap and cheer. coz it really was a job well done from everyone. yes it may seem like nothing much. but to us it means a lot. it shows that there are people who do care and appreciate how much we've contributed. and then that maha has to come and fault us. and in the end for goodness knows what reason i'll juz break down. i guess it's the stress. but it's making me push myself further. let's see how much more can i tolerate and stretch before i end up in the hospital.

like what i mention to dajie. it's good that a first asst is coming next month. for maha it'll be coz she will push everything to the poor first asst. while i'm happy coz there's at least someone i can turn to when i need help. someone who's more experienced than my boss.

... ...

why am the way i am now?

i'm exhausted. i really need a break. =X

sometimes it takes a change of heart to have a change of scenery.

i was crossing the pedestrian crossing at clementi earlier in the day. when i almost got knocked down lo. what the. and it wasn't my fault. the green man was still counting down with 25 seconds to go. i wonder how the guy got his license man. =X but yeah. while waiting for the bus i was thinking that how nice it would be if i really get knocked down. and juz die instantly. no more worries.

it's not very nice to be living unappreciated by others. especially at work. i juz feel so demoralized. like what the. the only reason that keeps me going is coz i love my job. but not my boss.

a boss who pushes the blame away from herself. in order to cover her own ass. who takes leave and off days on the most ridiculous days. when there are parties or large order and on weekends. who doesn't switch on her handphone. so what if we really can't find her? then we do things our way and she come find fault with us. no matter what we do it's always wrong. and the funniest thing's that she doesn't even know the simplest thing about microsoft office. every single little thing she has to ask us. and the 3G mds computer? she has no clue about it. so let's not even talk about her being the runner.

... ...

i'm really so tired. everytime i seem to be saying how tired i am. but i really am. tired of working. tired of living. there doesn't seem to be any more reason for me to live on anymore when i'm feeling so unhappy.

... ...

and the worse thing's that i still miss you. no matter how much i force myself to focus elsewhere. to not think about you. you pop up in mind at the weirdest times ever. i still want the friendship. but i don't wanna get hurt. am i selfish? juz let me be for this time round. i had enough of getting hurt and trying to move on in one piece.

it only takes a few seconds to hurt people you love. and it can take years to heal.

too much has been happening recently. too much too fast. i can't take it anymore. i don't wanna stand up again. am really so tired of all the crap. think the stress at work's getting on my nerves too. i broke down yest. and yelled at all the crew and riders. and i felt so bad that i apologized afert that.

but then. on the other hand. *shrugz*

... ...

went pasar malam that night. and then i started missing my childhood. my freedom.

... ...

and then i get myself hurt over again.

this time i don't know how long it'll take for me to stand up again. but let me assure you. i will stand up again. i won't commit suicide and all. coz that's dumb. no matter how much i'm hurting inside it's much better an ending than death. and this time i will make sure you will not come into my life again. never. coz you don't deserve that place there.

all it took was a stupid mistake on my part. and everything was gone.

so you think it's like oh-so-fun to get others to tell you all they're feeling. then you start toying around with them and say things that you know that you do not believe in. and make empty promises. in the end they're all juz lies. BIG FAT LIES.

so stop saying things that you do mean. you have no idea how much i hate you now. nothing is going to wash away all the hurt and anger i'm feeling. i don't care what you think anymore. i don't care a damn. why should i? 'how can i live like a angel when i feel like a jerk?'

whatever i say. feel or do now is MY life. i can't believe i fell for all those lines you said. it's total crap. ha!

no matter how much i really like you. what happened has happened. and i feel so stupid for crying over it. why should i when you don't even give a fuck for it and am so absorbed in your own life? everything was about her. from the start to the end. so good for you. i'm not caring about how you feel. and if you used to think i was controlling your feelings towards her all i can say is good for you. I"M OUTTA YOUR LIFE! happy thoughts eh?

do whatever you wnat! even when you die i won't even give a hoot about it. why should i?

maybe this is my retribution for doing it to him before. and i deserve it. coz i knew i hurt him real bad. but let me reassure you guys out there. i was really happy during these few short days. very happy till everyone at work could tell the difference. but now? no use being happy anymore when in the end i've to get hurt all over again. all because of you.

but it's time to move on. after being stuck in this rut for 4 years and knowing that nothing good could be coming out of it. so i've learnt to let go. it was painful. but it's worth it. not worth letting you see how much i'm hurting inside.

so yeah. memories are all that's left inside my mind. my heart now.

... ...

i'm crying inside. but it's going to end very soon. coz i'm moving on. cheerioz! =)

it's raining outside. juz like how i'm feeling.

don't know why i'm feeling the way i am either. maybe i'm juz too tired.

... ...

went holland v juz now. had lunch with her. =) and after all it was halloween. and i found my cow tale. after so freaking long!!! =P even though we met for only 2 hours. it was worth waking up early. definitely. =)

lunch was a casual affair at bistro delifrance. but i guess it's the company that counts. =) then had a short walk inside holland shopping centre. and that was when i saw the xmas decorations and realized that xmas's juz round the corner.

... ...

time really flies. another year will be over in a blink of the eye.

this's year's been full of ups and downs. but i guess the down period is over. now it's the up. =) i really hope it'll last. it's nice to be happy for a while and smiling to sleep every night. no matter how tired i may be. juz thinking about certain stuff keeps me going.

the going may get tougher as the days goes on. but i hope i can make it through in one piece. at least till the end of the year.

... ...

i she bu de to go for the bintan trip coz i know although physically i'm there. my heart will still be here. as much as i wanna go and have fun and relax. i don't know how well i'll be there. coz i think i'll miss *you. hmmmz. not a good sign.

honestly i was quite worried as to how i'll react today at lunch. coz although nothing seems to have changed. certain thoughts juz kept running through my head. and the thoughts are driving me nutz.

... ...

i'm really going crazy. like swinging on a pendulum. so much thoughts going through my head when all i wanted was...

sighz. i don't know what's coming over me.

it's all so wrong. yet i'm still sticking to it. believing that one day things will change and people can accept for who i am.

is liking someone really so wrong?

i don't know why i'm getting so confused suddenly.

it's like so out of the blue. and then i was reading entries from stomp. certain forums and all. and it struck me that i really am not alone.

i don't know why i'm feeling this way either. or maybe it has been buried inside me all along. for the past few years. juz that i chose to ignore it ba. coz i keep thinking that this things will never happen on me. it's alwayz someone else's life that this belongs to. not mine. i refused to accept that fact.

but it was recently that i really confronted my feelings and thoughts. and i guess that was due to meet ups with friends. and things that they said. and it juz struck me that yes. after so many years. i am still like that.

people around me have changed. and even moved on. but i seemed to be stuck at this same spot as i was 4 years ago. 4 years isn't a very short time. so much have happened yet i'm back to square one all over.

izzit my fault that i juz can't let go?

i don't think so. i think it's juz that i can't control my own feelings and thoughts. that's why i end up being the one who's feeling so suffocated inside.

no matter what i wanna say here is not gonna help or even make sense. so i don't think i'm even gonna try.

... ...

but i'm hurting so badly inside. yet you can't see it. i have a facade. to protect me from further hurt and disappointment i have to act that nothing is wrong. coz i don't know how well or how long i can take it anymore. what do i have to do or say to make you understand what i'm going through and facing everyday? why muz you say those things? yes i'm happy to know how you feel. really i do. yet on the other hand it disturbs me. coz it juz proves to myself how much you really mean to me. and how much i don't wanna lose you.

even if the world around me moves on and changes. i hope things between us won't change. that it'll stay the same. coz...

i miss you. i truly do.

i finally broke down. and this time it's very badly. i don't wanna stand up again. what's the point of standing up when you know that nothing will ever be the same again? that all the fun and joy of working is lost? all lost. i've been crying for the past week and it doesn't seem to help. i juz wanna give up forever.

and then i start wondering why after so long i have yet to let you go.

juz because you said something. i couldn't forget it. and whenever i'm feeling lousy and needed a break you were the first i think of. yet you were not always there when i needed you. you will never know how much you mean to me. juz because you said you wanted to go out. i'll try my best to make it there. no matter how far or how early it may be. yet you'll never know. and i feel stupid for all being so naive and gullible.

everytime you speak of someone else. do you know how i feel? i may seem ok on the outside. but on the inside i'm not. i'm really not.

and then i wonder. how come you never know? or have you realized it but chose to keep quiet coz you know that we both treasure the friendship more than anything else.

i know it's wrong. you should never fall for a friend. and especially in this case. it's all totally wrong. so quit being nice to me. it's juz gonna make me worse.

... ...

i went back crez today. after 4 years. i did it. went back and remembered all the silly things that i've done. all those nooks and corners of the school. all those memeories.

... ...

work suckz big time. i really wanna transfer. i'm juz so pissed. sis. remember to tell me when you resign. i really wanna transfer le. i can't take it. i really can't.

you know what's the best thing in life?

eating oreo cheesecake at midnight sitting on the railing and pouring my heart out.

that's the best thing that's ever happened to me in a long time.

the next best thing would be to be on a bike and feeling the wind brushing against your face and when you feel like you don't have a single care in the world anymore.

happiness is not in the experience. it's in the memories.

whoever who came up with that phrase is so right. memories are the most treasured of all. so i'm thankful that over the past few days i've been meeting up with friends. =) it's tiring at times coz it's in between my working days. but i do enjoy the meetings a lot. so much so that i don't wanna go back to work anymore. =X

... ...

haiz. anyway about work. there's so uch to rant about. coz i'm unhappy. unlucky me got a boss who grows grass in her skull. and that she has an exclusive club of people who all grows grass in their skulls too. know why i say that? coz they all have no brains.

1) i'm updating my inventory for the new promotion tomorrow on the com and the grass-geek have to come. and she had the cheek to tell me this:"yixiu. can i close this window? i need to use the com. you can do your stuff later." at 12pm she told me that. and guess what was the time i could use the com? 4pm. i finish work at 3.30pm. and i had to do my things 'later'. 4 hours later!?! do you know how pissed i was?

2) in between 12pm and 4pm. the auditor came. and so did my rush. i only had 1 counter crew. 2 kitchen cum lobby. so i was the runner cum the counter crew cum the manager. and all that grass-geek knows was to stand there and asked if i'm doing fine. i mean bloody fuck. don't you have eyes to see that i'm definitely not ok?!? i'm doing things to my best capability and not faring very well and you can still ask. can't you help? you're the boss for god's sake!

3) then you jolly well know that i'm still not very familiar with all the paperwork that i have to do. and then you ask me do this and that and this and that. never mind i don't mind. but have you ever thought about it that some of the things should be done by your ever-dearest payroll manager who's holding a second job? i doubt so. coz all you know is that your scheduler has to do all the things. and she gets for anything and everything she does. payroll manager who can forget to order VERY IMPORTANT FOOD in and get away with it while the scheduler can't. even for very very very minor items. and i mean minor. what the fuck is wrong with you?

4) the riders are unhappy with the way you do things. even a fool like me can tell. why else do you think that they no show here and not at BL? treat people well and they'll be more than willing to work for you in return. treat them as they should be within the heirachry and i think you can forget anout them being able to give and take.

5) but in the first place why the heirachry? everyone should be treated equally. why the stupid dumb ass rule that managers can't eat with the crew and riders outside? it's not like we're doing anything illegal. or are we? it's so totally assoholic.

6) and so hypocritical! act like you're sooooo good when the boss is around. and totally crap when he leaves. so sick.

7) that's right. leave all the dirty work to others and juz care about covering your own ass. yes. working life is like this. but this is way overboard!

8) if an opening manager can stay till closing to finish up her work and to help out. i don't see why as a boss of the restaurant you can't do the same? you expect people to give and take. but do you? NO! NEVER! you take all you can without giving back. likewise for your club members.

i'm so sick and tired of it all. all the crap. the crowd. the sales. can i ask for a transfer? i'm really really so tired. so tired of all the grass-brained people. i wanna take mc. i wanna fall ill and never ever recover again. arrghz. can someone juz shoot me? please?!? i'm deprieved of my happiness. =X

never going to be a happy girl anymore. until you come along and make me smile.

love like you've never been hurt before. dance like no one's watching. sing like no one's listening. work like you don't need the money. live your life like it's your last day.

juz at times in my life when i feel like giving up. giving up all hope and dreams. there's that someone out there who is there to motivate and make me go on in life.

was on the phone the other night with wood block. and we were juz talking and laughing and acting like we're drunk again lo. we were juz nonsensical that night lo. like tuesdays will always be green and fridays orange. and that i'm a crab and she's the lobster. and funny parents will give birth to weird kids and so on... ... ...

it was nice to be able to juz laugh and crap about stuff. it's been so long since i did that. i think. hmmmz.

... ...

anyway. mds's starting. and so is my headache. everything's not done. not done AT ALL. and the acting-rm dons't seem to give a damn about what's going on. communication my arse. and the rm who's in vietnam doesn't seem to be bothered by the details of the mds preparation. for goodness sake. the mds starts on the 19th lo. =X okie. for those who are lost. mds = mcdonald's delivery service. and yes. unfortunately my store is doing that on the 19th. today's already the 15th lo. =X

... ...

i haven't seen my 1st idol in ages lo. online yes. but not in store. so upsetting. =X well. at least i see my 2nd idol almost everyday now. =) yeah! =) eye candy siaz. =)

... ...

my mind's in a whirl of thoughts. i'm not eloquent. and have no wish to be. i juz wish for my thoughts to be understood.

... ...

somtimes i really don't feel like living anymore. it's so tiring. you get pushed around. get bullied. get taken advantaged of. you have so many problems that you've gotta face. i'm 20. but i don't feel 20. i feel so much older. like 25 or something. there's so much weighing me down. i wanna float to the surface but i can't. i'm stuck at the bottom of the deepest ocean. and they say life's easy. where? when? it was never easy. and it's never fair. never fair to those who already went through so much hardships.

yes. we're supposed to grow and mature through the whole journey of life. but how matured muz we be? how far is the destination? will we even reach the destination in time?

but life's really short. too short for me to live my live full of regrets. my only regret till now would be my grade 8 certs that i've yet to get. someone said he'll be the motivation. but where? i question myself as to how much i can trust people nowadys. quite sad eh?

i've seen people come and go in my life. many memories made and treasured. but those who really stayed are only a handful. and then suddenly i learn things about those we left. life's really too short. trust me on this.

tell those friends you care for how much they really mean to you. coz you don't want them to die without ever knowing how much they mean to you. this may sound cliche. but it's the truth. how many of us takes others for granted. as and when we need them? how many times do we ever tell them how much they mean to us? me? i guess i could count the times on one hand. i appreciate all of you guys out there. truly i do. from the bottom of my heart. to all of you who made my life more worthwhile. thank you for being part of my growing up.

i'm afraid of losing any friends. especially those close to me in whichever point in time. i'm really afraid. i don't wanna lose any of them. never.

... ...

sometimes i do miss being in a relationship. but knowing that i can't commit anymore makes me think twice. and i'm afraid of hurting others again. once bitten twice shy. having that image that haunts me and will follow me for the rest of my life is bad enough. i don't need a second image. and i'm never gonna make the first move again. ever. i'll juz come to regret it. why should i?

i wanna feel pampered and loved. but i don't wanna commit. so how?

you know. it's so nice when you have someone whom you can talk to about anything under the sun and that person will understand. and when you've got things in common to share about. someone who's out there waiting for your call or msg to know how your day went. that feeling's juz makes my heart go all warm and fuzzy. =)

but to you. i hope you're doing fine. coz i've no idea what's going on in your life anymore. you said we'll still be friends. but i doubt that'll happen in the near future. so yeah. do take carez of yourself. and i wish you all the best.

yesh. i know i'm like totally nutz. but girls are entitled to that ain't they?

i still think hyun bin is soooo cute lo. especially with that dimple of his. too bad my idol doesn't have that. =( hahaha. other than that. he's as tall as he is. =) hee! =)

hahaha. yepz. i guess i'm somewhat in a good mood lo. i mean. i'm meeting my cousin this friday. going out this sat with mummy and kor. most likely will be seeing my da jie on thursday. then tmr work with nana. =) so yeah i'm a happy girl. although MDS is making me go nutz. =X

booie. =X

aaahhhhh! i juz think he's so cute! =) damn! =)

i still think he's waaaaayyyy cute! =)

fierce looking. but still as handsome. =)

and no matter how crazy you all think i may be. i think he's juz sooooo cute. =)