am i over the cliff yet?~ i wish to be.

can't seem to understand how emotional i am becoming. or izzit juz stress?~ hmmmz. i can't seem to be able to sit down and relax myself. yet i need a channel to vent myself out. maybe pool and k box?~ and how people seems to be more then themselves recently. i'm starting to dislike SIP. it's making me see and hear things that i don't want to.

another thing. why are others so ignorant to others' feelings?~ they think it's funny when they make fun of people?~ then when we do it to them they can't take the joke.

what's wrong with the world?~ why does everything seems not rosy at all now?~ or was it even rosy in the first place?~ why muz it be this time that everythingcrashes down on me?~

analogy:

i'm at the top of the world. standing on the mountain top with the wind juz blowing gently around. the scent of the pine wood was therapeutic. the clouds seems so pretty. like you can juz step on them and not fall through.

suddenly. i juz feel the lack of oxygen. the smell of the pines was suffocating. the wind grew stronger. about to blow me away. i want to be blown yet still wanted to live on.

i'm off the cliff now. hanging onto a branch by the side of the mountain for my life.

who is going to be the one who saves me?~ or will no one come at all?~ i wonder.

and then.

i juz let go.

the feeling of freedom from everything. the wind rushing past my ears.

i feel light for once.

... ...

...

"You are Black Koala who has purity and sweetness of a girl. And no matter how old you get, you can stay youthful. Your attitude is very straight forward and bald. You have quick mind, and a sharp instinct to read the other person's mind. You are an active woman.Nevertheless, you also possess a motherly character. You are kind and can show consideration to others.You tend to be rather argumentative, and will not accept something that is unreasonable. It takes time to gain your consent. You are independent, and has a challenging spirit to achieve your objectives and ideals. Once you start on something, you will not give up half way, or show weakness.You know how to get on in life, and are a calculative woman. Economic wise, you've got your feet steadily on the ground.You are rather suspicious type of person. You don't tend to take every word of other person straightly. You try to read behind the lines, very carefully. You tend to get lost in your thought.You think high of sports and training. Nevertheless, you also think a lot about art, and are a romantic sort of person. Even after you get married, you can be successful as a professional."

this is me. in truth.

i'm beginning to question as to the purpose in my life. i am so so close to giving up juz like that. there's no point in fighting on anymore when i feel that my role in this world has been completed.
i have lived through so much. been through so much. and juz when i thought i could trust people like you to make the world a better place. you had to go and betray my trust and backstab the whole group of us. i warned them about you le. that's all. he's understanding. he cooled me down. he talked sense into me. assured me that the friendship will not change no matter what happens. so did she. they are the ones that i can trust at work now. the rest are juz regarded as colleagues now. nothing more.

MUTS was great. the committee was great. big thank you to my triplets for organizing it so well. had fun counting the starz with nelson. ha.

ALP was fun. minus the ELFS. went to makan at KFC with sha. nelson and jovi. wanted to play pool but it was crowded. so went k box instead. had a good time singing my heart out.

i am in depression mode. don't know how long it'll take for me to get out this time round. hopefully it's never. i don't feel like being happy ever again. what's the point?~ when i'm happy people take me for granted. never even have the courtsey to ask if it's alright to do things. they juz do it thinking that i will be fine. ass off.

then there are those who can't be bothered to do things themselves yet when they are the last to know. they ask why are they the last to know.

attitude.

i have been tolerant for so long. especially at work with her. i almost blew that day. but i chose not to. why?~ coz i chose not to become as unreasonable as her. i'll become a better person than her. lee and line are my role models whom i'll follow. they make mistakes too but they admit them. not blow their tops at others. you call yourself a manager?~ i think i can do better than you.

and guess what's the reason of me not being able to be topcat for parties?~ coz they've wanted to promote me for some time. juz nice came my SIP. chenie told me that. i hate it when i'm the last to know even when i ask. am i really that good?~ i doubt my own self and ablilties everytime i hear good things about me. why?~ coz i don't believe that i am such a wonder.

i am depressed.

i don't wanna live anymore in this world.

people have left me behind le... and they were all so close to me... why...?~ you said you would be there for me... there to know every emotion that i am going through... where are you now?~ excuses... that's juz so damn lame... you give them everytime without even considering the final consequences that will happen... why?~

i went and watched constantine yesterday after school with nelson... sha and jovi... was a very good show... really enjoyed myself... ate BK... then had an impromto game of pool at the pavilion... => really been a long time since i enjoyed myself so much... so much...

haiz...

i hate all these people... who acts in front of me... who thinks that that the world juz revolves around them... and them only...