why muz i alwayz choose?~ why muz i make the final decision?~ then after making it people seems to question it...

i told yalee everything that happened... all that i have beeen feeling... from quitting school to how people seems to be upset that i got promoted faster then them although i've been working for a shorter period of time... and about how torn i am to work and to choose between jscc and ntu... she was very patient... but i think that she's disappointed with me still... after all... we've been through so much together... but she never say anything...

went to work yesterday in the afternoon for once... coz rashid was coming... then managed to talk to cally for awhile while she was doing her transition... she asked questions about my decisions and some other stuff and we both juz started tearing again... then koon lee auntie came and asked if it's true that i wanna quit... and why... and the more the both of us talk the more upset we became... for her it was because she feels that no one was concerned about her at all... that even when she told koon lee auntie she was quitting... koon lee auntie was like... 'quit le ye hao...' like nobody wants her to stay... she overheard maha telling ern nee that she hopes that daddy and i can stay though...

and maha knows... but she pretended she doesn't... and even so... she was telling me about the course still... that she'll confirm the date with me again... and now i feel so bad... she's like trying to keep my heart at jscc still... and it didn't help when she told me rashid was very impressed with my performance yesterday... i mean.. i didn't do anything special... i juz worked at the lobby... went counter for the rest of the time... and he's impressed... i mean... hello?~ what's so impressive?~ and she wants me to go back mac to work after graduation... and said that i don't need to wait till i really graduate... and angeline... she said that she worked with hun loon before but she don't see anything nice about him... and that if i leave it'll juz be a great loss to jscc... so what am i supposed to do?~ change my mind and hurt both parties?~ no matter what i do... one side is bound to get hurt in the end... and even now when i've chosen to work once a week at each side... it's not a solution to the problem at all... it's juz a matter of time when i'll be forced to make the decision of where to go once again... i'm buying my time now... hoping that i can make a decision soon... i don't want this to go on... it's so unfair to jscc... after all... it's at jscc where they gave me a chance at working and i do have my emotional attachments there... all the people whom i've worked with... even thinking about it makes me wanna juz give up on life...

it's so tiring...

and ccn... well... it went smoothly... but there was a lot of details that i overlooked... it isn't an event to be proud of... but i do thank everyone's support for it...

i'm like so dead now... it's so tiring... there seems to be no one around when i need them... ok... besides daddy that is... everyone is like so carefree... going school... then go shopping...

the world is like moving past me and leaving me in its dust... people are staring at me as i breakdown and cry...

where are the holidays when i need them?~ i wanna do nothing else except work all day... it's my life...

hate every little thing that seems to bother me... i hope that they can vanish with juz a tap of my fingers...

i'm tired of compromising with everyone...

tired of making decisions...

tired of all the bitches in this world...

i juz wanna be lost in my own world...

alone...

forever...

i hope i will not regret it... and that yalee can forgive and understand why i have to leave... i feel so drained today... but i can't... today's CCN day... i hate making such decisions... one that i have to hurt those who cares about me... really feel like crying now...

i know it's wrong to leave now... but there's nothing holding me back except the course and yalee... there're a lot of people who are unhappy with the fact that i got promoted so fast... really upset.... coz i worked for less than 6 months and i'm already a crew leader... but it's not my choice that i got it so fast... i juz happened to love what i'm doing and have a passion for it... that's why i guess it shows...

but to yalee... i'm really really sorry... and the resignation is letter has been written out already too... so i guess my mind's made up... what a screwed up world...

i am sooo bored... there's nothing to do and i don't understand the AR lab lesson that's going on now... was talking to kate juz now and all about attachment... am thinking far but i have to think about it sooner or later too...

heard something from daddy yesterday... abuot how the store have to hit 100K otherwise yalee will have to leave... if she really leaves... i'll have no point in staying on either... sad sad...

juz realize that i should do up my ig proposals now with this time...

kzkz...

take carez...

i finally let out all that i am feeling these days juz now... and it feels so good now... to know that i'm not the only one that feels that work is higher in pirority as compared to school... and that i'm not the only one who is thinking of quitting school... there's someone out there who feels the same way as i do... => and that person is none other than my daddy... => really thankful that she is there for me alwayz... => no matter the time... juz like him... and that she understands all that i'm feeling towards my work... =>

but i still miss jiawei...

i really do...

it's getting so hard these days...

shit... there's something wrong with this blog thing... i typed another blog and now everything is gone... the whole world is like so pissing me off now... fuck!~

i'm so damn frustated... with everything... was msging jasmine today to see if we'll be meeting for lunch today and somehow we began talking about other stuff... like the baking and sjcc... and told her i felt... she was very understanding... maybe coz our committments are about the same?~ as in we share some of the common ones...

i was really freaking pissed off yesterday... with all the stuff that happened juz yesterday morning and early evening alone... then maha was asking if i'm interested to go for a course for the STARS... hostesses and top cats... i am... but the thing is that it's on a monday... i'm so tempted to skip school on monday and go for it... it's the chance i've been waiting for... and anyway... it's bese...

heard some stuff from cally as well... that if NTU's gonna be opened on sundays... cally... brandar and meizhen will go over... cally asked me if i wanted to... i want to... but the final decision is not up to me... it's whether yalee and the managers are willing to let me leave... and i guess that i have a lot of things and people whom i can't bear to leave behind at jscc... i feel belonged where i am... and i finally got through to the cold appearance of chin wei and the rest of the night crew... and i found out a few other things about them as well... and i managed to learn filtering from kenneth and chin wei... and that maha are treating the night people and the aunties alright... it's juz the younger crew who are so bloody irresponsible that she doesn't really like...

but i guess that in some sense... i still miss hun loon... if only he was more strict about discipline... he was really very nice to all... haiz...

life's alwayz like that... like what yinyee once wrote... i really hate those people who comes into my life and step all over my heart leaving all the footprints behind... so what am i supposed to do with them?~ i had happy memories and sad ones... but if i erase the sad ones... there won't be any happy ones left either...

for once... i don't care if i'm making sense or notz...

and i miss having him to talk to... i mean... we're still friends... but i don't know... how i am feeling now is how i was feeling the last time i really talk to him... that was like what?~ 6 months ago or something...

"i would rather spend one lifetime with you... then face all the ages of this world alone..."

where are you when i need you?~

"why am i the one who is always hurting so much?~ and feeling and thinking so much as well?~..."

it's been a long week... last week was the one week hols but it seems like there was no break at all... it was school stuff all the way... was working only on national day... and that was fun!~ recently... i've been thinking of quiting school... seriously... i guess it has dawned on me now that work is so much fun... it's something i enjoy immensely and won't regret doing... school is alright... but there's quite a number of subjects i dislike... like bese for one... =< yet there's so many things i can't bear to leave behind... ig for one...

sighz... i don't know what i'm supposed to do now... had dinner with the ig that day after the biz graduation... but somehow.. i feel that there's not much changes except in 2 people whom i see... it's upsetting that even when i say what i'm feeling out... people juz take it in from one ear and out the other...

gotta go do publicity le... see ya guys around...

am so fuckingly pissed off at the whole world... what bright side of the situation?~ is there any?~ i doubt so... hate those insensitive people around... those who thinks that i have a lot of time to spare and waste for one... those who do things so fucking slowly and leave things hanging in mid-air... and those who can't seem to accept the fact that i am human too and leave me alone when i need to... those who think are my friends but turn out to be people who thinks that the world should revolve around them...

I HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THESE NONSENSE!!!~

hmm... don't know why i'm here too... juz so pissed off by the floor manager from another store today... damn idiot lorz him... ass hole... but it was fun working today... with prem and all... => hahaha... the ITE one... coz somehow i ended up as the poly one... =>

the loyalty kiosk has started... juz go and sign up and start earning the points!~ => hahaha... free commercial... => i'm working on monday... => 7.5 hours... multiply that by 6.18... and that will be my pay for that day... YEAH!!!~ => =l$$l=

okie... this will be like the shortest entry ever or something... gotta go do my work le... although it's the hols after all... => at least i'm busy... => and having fun!~ =>

love seeing my motivation... ha!~ =>