i hate it when people say things that seem so easy to do but they don't practice it themselves...

i need time to myself...

i need my space...

yesterday's meeting didn't go well at all in my perspective...

after which i cancelled out on my friends for the new year's eve outing... i felt real bad but i don't think i could face them yet...

there's so much i needed to sort out in my head...

so i'm still going out today...

but with juz one person... someone who doesn't know me well enough to judge me... and i guess that person will get an earful today... or i may juz choose to shut up and all...

i really miss jas... in a way... she is alwayz there when i needed to someone to juz chill with me... the times when we went tthrough thick and thin for sjcc and ig... it seems that we have drifted i guess... but i still cherish those times we had... =>

there's so much i wanna say but no time and don't know where to start...

haiz...

pretty people are selfish...

went out with jovi yesterday after class to TM's pastamania since i was not needed at the trial cooking... felt really bad about not being able to make it coz i ended class late... so yarz...

talked to some crez peepz too at night and i felt that we have really drifted apart... you asked coz it's like part of what you have to do... you juz wanna hear a 'yes' answer?~ never really being sensitive to others... or am i thinking too much again?~

anyway... jovi and i talked and rotted at the pastamania and at the rooftop playground there... really talked a lot... and now i do believe...

guardian angels do exists...

there are people who are angels in disguise... there when you need them but you don't appreciate them at all... after you 'use' them... you juz throw them aside and find someone else to talk to... angels do have feelings after all... they also need the love... care and concern we shower on each other...

let's all learn to appreciate these people for who they are and stop comparing them to others... get to know them better and be like them... the world is... after all... ours to change for the better...

forgive and forget...

yes... i have to admit that there are times when it's not easy to do both... but let's juz try... forgiving people will make you a better person and forgetting about the unhappiness in your life allows you to look forward to the future...

let me start practicing it then...

a true believer in self
a true lover at heart
what could he do to make you happy?

you learnt to let go of your past and to move on
without him
but there came a time when
he re-entered into your life

you were lost
you thought he only belonged in your past
he came and screwed up your life
yet again you fell for him
did he really play such a big part in your life?

the odds are stacked against you
but you chose to be with him still

days passed... ...

the weather became colder... ...

and the day came when he chose to leave you
again...

you came crying back to me
wht made you think that after the first fall you had
that i'll still be there for you?
you hurt me deep
cut me like a knife
the scar has already been left behind
there's nothing anyone can do to mend the wound

i'm a loner not by choice but by chance
you left me defendless in the rain
and juz walked away

i really loved you... ...

from the bottom of my heart... ...

where were you when i needed you the most?
in the arms of another guy?

if i wanted you back in my life
is that too much to ask for?

i want to give you the best
you deserved it
but you didn't give me the chance to prove to you

you left this world the very next day... ...

cold... ...

am i at fault for driving you away?

my heart died the day you left... ...

left with no choice
i left too... ...

... ...

helloooo!~ => it's been a great christmas this year for me!~ => and i had some sort of pre-christmas celebration as well... =>

went out on thursday with daddy and waiyee to han's at marina to makan... and went to pacific coffee to chill and then evon from soup came and joined us... reached home at almost 12mn... => had fun juz chilling out and talking crap with them... =>

on friday... met up with gerald... sien wei and jiamin and went to walk walk in the so bloody crowded orchard... what a plan of mine... and they juz kept me company... => we wanted to go fish and co at ventrepoint to eat... but the menu was not the regular one and there was nothing we liked... and... the price was a killer!~ =<> gerald would say something then jiamin would laugh... and then with me sitting opposite jiamin... i laughed too... and sien wei thinks we;re damn funny laughing at each other and laughed at us all too... => people juz thought we were crazy... => hahaha...

couldn't stand the crowd... so jiamin... gerald and i went back to store by taking the woodlands way that train... and we were suan-ing jiamin who was sitting in between us so much that she juz shut up and after alighting the train... she threw the 2 of us behind and simply 'marched' to the store while we were juz strolling along... =>

the party at store was fun... ended up sleeping over with yalee and catching 1 hour of sleep... and we were both working the next morning... hahaha... but had fun... all my favourite people from store were working that day too... so i was very very very happy... =>

was woking on sunday too... with that bitch... never talk to her unless she asked me questions... blahz!~ =<>

the year's ending soon... been through so much and although things didn't work out fine all the time... i guess they did taught me some stuff... a new year's coming soon and i hope that it'll turn out better for all of us... =>

lalala... it'll be christmas in a few days' time... it's been a hectic year and all... but i'm almost through!~ => i saw him juz now... quite awkward though... don't know why too... =>

went out with people over the past few days... tuesday with sha... karin... nelson... mr neo... avril... fagan... to KFC for a family feast meal... => then sha... karin... nelson and i went to TM to walk around... left there at 1030pm and on the bus home... i basically wrote my thoughts down on my favourite seat on the double decker bus... there were juz so much to write... =l

went out yesterday to tekka mall's BK with jovi... we reached at 7 and chatted there till they close shop at 10... hahaha... it's been real nice to be talking to her like before... and i told her some stuff about work and yarz... ~*grinz*~

today meeting up with daddy and mummy... at cityhall... so yarz... it'll be juz like the old times... => but missing my 12 years' friend... =<> then if i feel like it i'll go for the countdown at my store tomorrow... => happy!~ =>

yarz... had lunch with jazzy juz now in biz park... feels like the old times... juz at different venues... =>

this christmas season in school has given me so much to think about... first time celebrating it here... => in school i mean... went to take candy canes and candy floss from BSC juz now... so my teeth and tongue are kinda blue now... => heehee...

going for leadership class soon... then out for the weekend!~ =>

see ya guys!~ =>

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!~ =>

helloooo!~ yeahz!~ i got candy canes!~ more than i expected... now i'm going to be bo gai... => heehee... going out for dinner later with nel... sha... karin... fagan... darren neo... and perhaps jazzy... => ha!~ juz came form MEIT tutorial and had fun...

+INVADER ALERT+

*invasion by KARIN!!!!!!*

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is karin here. Lanka and i are having a smashin good time scaring the wits outta xiu! haha and we have computers that belong to us!! kewl~! nelson has gone bonkers and we r all laughin like crazy!!!!!

For japanese for beginners pls approach Lanka!

Nelson is singing happy tree friends!!! rrrruuuuuuuunnnnnnnn!!!!!! for ur info i do not watch that i think it is totally digusting cos i cannot stand such stuff!!!!!!

*invasion by SHA!!!!*

now for the jap for beginners, repeat after me....

a i u e o
yi xiu.... ur turn

aahhhh iiiii uuuuu eehhhhh oohhhh

good. ok tts all im tired. see u tml.. for ka ki ku ke ko sayoonara

*invasion for NELSON!!!*

nelson... do you wanna defend yourself?~ -xiu

i have nothing to say as....god knows who will understand me!!!!!!!

maybe phyllis?~ hahaha... -xiu

+INVADER END+

dotz... and karin is laughing to herself for no reason and it's infectious... =>
(for ur info, i am laughin at the way nelison is singing. and yes, nelison is intentional. -karin)

so yes... this has become a chat room... juz like karin's comment box... hahaha... =>

NELSON AND SHA ARE TOGETHER!~

been working over the weekend... as usual... went to the 7 eleven near my workplace on saturday after work around 6 with jiamin to sit and rot... => managed to talk about stuff... even met hilmi on my way home!~ => sunday was horrible... i mean in the beginning it was ok... until that bitch came... angeline told us to be nice to her... so fine... i tried... bloody hell god knows how hard i tried... we still didn't talk... i ended at one but as usual... i helped out here and there and made a lot of noise with jiamin... => then gerald ended work and came into the kitchen to join us... gerald and i had 1 cup of expired strawberries from the berrynice yoghurt... with 4 sticks of sugar mixed in... 2 ice cubes and some salt on the side... hahaha... the two of us were our own guniea pigs and were laughing at the stuff we added in... => then crap a lot and waited for sulan auntie to come... then that bitch ended work and went into the crew room... sulan auntie came and went in to... so gerald and i happily skipped our way in to talk to sulan and link arms with her... and guess what happened?~ that bitch was leaving store and stopped by the ice cream machine and said in chinese 'after work still don't wanna go home... stay here and act like a crazy woman...' and she left... actually we couldn't hear what she said but juz managed to put the pieces we heard to form the sentence... and nothing's new... it was directed at me... i got pissed... i seriously did... i mean if you wanna say me... fine... at least say it clearly and with reasons... i hate it when they juz say things that never go through their small puny little brains... and she said to jiamin on thursday... 'say you do FOC... juz nice to hear only... it's juz doing whatever you like when you feel like it...' fuck her!~ that bitch doesn't even do stock up for goodness sake... much less FOC... was in kitchen alone on staurday and the customers came in... so i owed 3 mcchicken and 1 spicy double... the spicy order came first so automatically i'll want to clear that first... she came in... 'do you need help?' and juz landed 3 buns into the toaster... i didn't even get the chance to reply... hello!?!~ you're working in the kitchen or am i?~ and she took over gerald's counter on sunday without telling him... he got frustrated i think... he msged me when i got home telling me not to get angry so i told him everything and he said some stuff too... ha!~ this is the start of a war man!~ you asked for it... i tried you didn't appreciate so here goes... the war is about to start!~

and went to jup's that day with leigh... had a good chat and i hope that things will turn out well for her... =>

i'm disappointed... with some people within the ig... the trust i placed in them was put to waste... but i guess it's through this that i realized who i can trust and who i can't...

friendship wise... i realized that there are certain ones that are on the rocks... i don't wanna name any but all i can do is to hope that things will get better...

on a more personal note... i've decided not to let myself fall deeper into the hole that i am in now... i've fallen and it'll take a while for me to get out... but i don't wanna get stuck in there... i hate myself at times for being who i am... and the things that i do... i've made enough mistakes in life to last me through yet i'm still making the same mistake all over again and again... why?~ why do i alwayz make this kind of mistakes that i will pay dearly for in the end?~ yes... i do chase my dreamz... trying to get to the other side of the rainbow... but on the way... i get myself hurt so deep that i juz refuse to get up... and this may not make sense... but marcus told chenie that i don't like studying!~ ok... anyway... where was i...?~ oh yarz... i thought i've been hurt enough to avoid being hurt again but i guess not... arrghz... i hate the sound of where this is going... haiz... i guess i'm juz too morbid now... but i am pissed with that bitch still...

christmas's coming!~ i am going out with jiamin on christmas eve!~ don't know about gerald and jeff they all yet though... then will go back store for the celebration and then stay over and off to work on staurday!~ => happy!~ => i love most of the people i work with... and i realized that there a lot of people who dislike that bitch... guess i'm not the only one!~ => hahaha... YEAHZ!~

i'm still in school now... blogging while my tummy is complaining... and gavin doing his stuff in front of me... ha!~=>

take carez!~ =>

i did think about stuff... yesterday stayed in school till 1030pm in the end with some of the ig peepz... it made me realize that all are not the people i think they are... i thought i was observant... but i don't think it was enough... i didn't know there were so much things that i need to be updated on... suddenly i feel that i know a lot of things... some should not even be made known to me?~ it was a good talk that i felt that we had yesterday... we juz all got shot in the head kinda thing... i do hope there are people who will change though... and alright... i'll try not to overwork myself... TRY... i'll do my bez... anything to shoot me... PLEASE DO... i don't care who you are... but if you don't like me... TELL ME... i have things i wanna say but don't really know how to put it in words... but thankz to those who pointed out my faults... i really appreciate it... we should do it more often!~ => hahaha... => i juz hope those i care for take carez of themselves well... take a break... have a rest... let's all help one another kz?~

i love you guys!~ ~*hugz*~

heyz!~ after so long... am finally back... => hahaha... school has reopened for like two weeks now... we are selling candy canes this week!~ => waiting for my duty to start now... went over to the booth yesterday and was that fun!~ => the response so far is overwhelming!~ => the booth was crowded yesterday... the mentors and some of the mentees came by... then there was the ig peepz who were there eating... doing work... chatting with each other... => it was a very christmasy mood... there were two santa's hats and we had fun wearing them and making a fool out of each other... => it's been so long since i last had booth duty... really missed doing it... => almost all of the main com came to the booth during the lecture break and the half the sub com were there... => i guess it's booth duty that will pull people closer to each other and to get to know each other better too... =>

the htb orientation over the friday and saturday was fun... well... at least i enjoyed myself loads... the intial destination was fun... interesting... => but final destination was GREAT!~ coz it's fagan's and my event so of course i'll think it's more fun... ~*lolz*~

there were times over the past month when i thought i made a mistake in joining the ig... i really did... things were screwed up and stuff like that... i question myself as to why i am doing things for others when the others were not even doing their own job?~ unhappiness were present and yarz... i did talk to people and for that period of time... i found that i wasn't the only one thinking that i'm doing the workload of others ot that there are people who changed...

talking with the sub com made me realize that they do have their own way of thinking too... but the thing is... they don't voice it out during meetings... guys... if you're reading this... PLEASE... voice your opinions out to all... keeping to yourself and later when things don't work out... that'll be bad... => there are certain sub com that i'm closer to... (i think i'm stating the obvious... but ah well... =>) and from them i got to know them better as individuals and not juz that... 'oh... so you're the in charge of this project...' the things we talked varies... from sensible crap (~*hintz*~ =>) to stuff like ig and our own personal problems... => i don't feel like it's a senior-junior relationship anymore but more of a friend-friend-colleagues thing now... hopefully... the day will come when we'll be able to treat each other as friends and nothing else... =>

am happy with myself now and the ig... there are things that can be worked out among some... but i can't be bothered any longer... why make myself so miserable trying to retrieve back something that i've lost when i may juz move forward with my life... you're not going to hold me back any more... i had enough of you and all i can say now is that you'll juz be someone who once walked into my life but has left long ago... i didn't realize that but now i do... i'm not going to let you pull me down and away from what i wanna do... thankz for the friendship then but we're juz schoolmates now...

went to work and wasn't happy at how things are turning out... maha was working... and it was as though we had an alliance kinda thing... jiamin... jeff... nick... gerald... fuzah... koon lee auntie and john... we were in our world and she was not with us... rashid and kelvin were supposed to go down that day... i don't know if they did... i was supposed to be working till they come but i juz didn't feel up to it... too tired with the orientation to extend my time...

i went back store last tuesday to do ig stuff there... gerald was working that day and i was meeting jiamin to go jurong point to walk around... we walked and in the end ended up at swenson's talking about work... i don't like kai hui... neither do i like 'him' very much... i can't say who's the him coz this i s a public blog and i don't know if she comes here... anyway... anthony's fine... working wise... never really got to talk to him or know him well... but he left a good impression on me... => kai hui... me and jiamin thought she was nice... but now we don't think so... neither does jeff... she looks down on our store coz it's low volume... if you dislike low volume... why the transfer out of jurong bowl in the first place?~ and the cldp thing against gerald... ass hole...

now at work... i'm closer to jeff and jiamin... especially jeff... we talk about stuff that i didn't tell anyone else at work and he tells me stuff too... gerald only know the superficial side of me... like everyone else... but he did mange to know some dtuff about me and me about him... we're those who will go crazy together and laugh at things that no one else could catch... when i was in my bad mood on sunday i guess it showed... he kept looking but didn't really talk to me coz i couldn't be bothered to answer him... i only talk to jeff and auntie koon lee mainly that day...

i think i'm over jiawei... i don't think anymore about the past we shared but has moved on... =>

yepz... need to go now... time for booth duty!~ =>

heyz... know it's been a long time since i blogged... but been totally shagged this few weeks... working non stop... and now i've fallen sick... ha!~ feel like puking and i'm sweating like crazy too... hmmz... took mc for today and tomorrow... went work but left early... real early... haiz... felt so bad about leaving them with no transition crew today and tomorrow... and no opening tomorrow... although everyone was very understanding... hmmz... yeahz... played badminton for 3 hours yesterday with rashid's zone's people... tiring!~ but saw people i used to know... and met some new people too... like my shifu for badminton... he's from bb central mac... => hahaha... he's working today too... played with angeline who was working today too and she said that her muscles are aching terribly too... => alrighty... think i better go rest le... see ya guys soon!~ take carez!~

heyz guys... am back... => gonna catch shark's tale tomorrow!~ yeahz!~

read through my taggie... i don't know who anonymous is... but i like what you said... "i dont think not letting sm1 go is a regret, dun u think its special in a way? This person brought u memories n was a chapter in ur life. It wld really be a regret if u nvr knew hw much this somebody means to u. =x "

i guess the person's right... but it's painful how he's still in my mind and thoughts now and then... sometimes... i would have chosen to not know him if i know things are going to turn out this way... hmmz...

ha well... do you guys believe in fate?~ i do... someone i thought has walked out of life has returned... the memories are so vivid...

i really miss crez... all the times shu... manmi and i will go makan together after trainings... going ikea and queensway shopping centre and subway to makan after school... sitting outside 4C3 with bel watching the school 'wake up'... going home with sammie... going boozey's house for some slack time... valentine's day in crez... => it's juz all memories now...

but i miss JI even more... going out to escape with my 'haha girls' on valentine's day... knowing him... enjoying myself with my class talking crap... those were the days of my life... => haiz...

if only i could turn back time and re-live those moments again...

hmmz... would love to go shopping in JB again... perhaps for christmas prezzies... the stuff are so pretty!~ =>

was working on sunday and managed to talk to jeff... => yepz... kinda sad by how things are turning out under the new rm... hmmz... saw him today when i went down store juz now to borrow some stuff... he showed me some sadako stuff and told me not to laugh... which i laughed in the end... =>

kz... nothing much le... these few days has been monotonous for me... work home eat sleep... alrighty... will update another day... time to go back to studying for my cldp... stupid french fries notes... make me so blur... =X

see ya guys... take carez!~ ~*muackz*~

hello!~ i'm back!~ let me tell you guys one piece of good news kz?~

I AM LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE LE!~

yepz... enrolled for the course and paid for all by myself... => suddenly feel so grown up... with paying for my phone and internet and now driving bills ALL BY MYSELF... hee!~ kinda heavy burden on me... but i'm doing things to better myself and to learn that money doesn't come easy at all... =>

was working today... fun!~ as usual... chatting and crapping with everyone... => tomorrow will be better... => angeline's working... can make me laugh and lose weight... ha!~ like i need to... LOVE MYSELF AND MY BODY!~ but have to wake up early... opening tomorrow... => but ha well... used to it le i guess... =>

went out with karin on wednesday and caught de-lovely... nice show... makes me think how much one is willing to sacrifice and tolerate for the love of another... hmmz... =l ate at cine's foodcourt and had fun going crazy with karin... => went taka the hokkaido fest there to jalan and makan again... so good!~ ~*lick lipz*~ thankz karin!~ for such a wonderful day!~ let's do it... let's fall in love!~

then been to visit people's blog... found out that a lot of them are like upset over one thing or another... hmmz... i guess i've learnt to be a bit ignorant to others' feelings... coz... i don't know... everytime it's like my fault or something... even at work... i can swallow my pride and all... but there's an extent to how much i can hold back and tolerate... if i really blow... it'll be the worst of the worst... like what i did to nick that time... i almost blew at ern nee once too... even though she was my manager... coz of some deco stuff in store... and the nick thing scared the pants out of some people who thought i was alwayz easy going... ha... but that's in the past... nick and i are better now... => if you keep thinking about others evaluation of you... you'll keep thinking about it and worry how you look in others' eyes... what's the point?~ life is short... enjoy it while you can... no point working so hard but not enjoying it at all...

i'm proud of myself in the sense that i'm more or less independent now... => i'm working at a place where i feel belonged and appreciated... where i'm happy even though the pay is pathetic... i love myself... for being who i am and daring to chase after my own dreams... like being in hospi and learning how to drive... these are gonna be milestones in my life and i cherish every single one of them... => having the ability to make friends whenever i go and that there are people out there who are willing to stick their necks out for me... => really treasure those friendships a lot... => you guys mean a lot to me yarz?~ ~*hugz*~ =>

but somehow... i do have one regret in my life... and that's that i've never been able to let jiawei go... somehow... after so long... he's still there... i guess the day will only come when i can delete his messages from my phone... haiz... =< next goal: to learn to behave more like a lady so i can fufill my dream of becoming an air stewardess and travel round the world before working at mac and hopefully to be able to study at McDonald's University and graduate with a degree in Hamburgerlogy... (i think it's spelt that way... =>)

and that's to be done by the time i reach 30 years old... =>

cheerz peepz!~

going to sleep le... => good night world!~ ~*hugz*~

heya!~ yesh!~ i did it!~

I AM NOT A SJCC COMITTEE MEMBER ANYMORE!~

whawho!~ => finally really truly free... =>

there's something wrong with my taggie again... i can't seem to post anything lehz... so once again... i've to resort to using this post to reply... =>

lengzai: sometimes it's not what... it's that those people i'm clsoe to and wanna talk to are not alwayz there to hear me out... and those i thought would be there or are my friends are not anymore...

kyan: hrpmz!~ how can you grow fat without me?~ don't wanna take you for a spin le... blearghz!~ =p

boozey: what happened?~ i need to update you again too!~ you know what?~ meiway went JB with us yesterday!~ hee!~ and angeline told her about gerald and i... =X and angeline wanna bring us to genting next year!~ => happy!~

yepz... gotta run!~ meeting karin!~ =>

MUACKZ!~

heyz!~ am back from JB and in school now... but damn sleepy lahz... almost missed my stops juz now on the way to school... => am a little happier now i guess... after a slight holiday and shopping trip in JB yesterday... =>

shan't go into the teeny weeny details... but the food was good... the shopping fantastic... and the company i went with... FANTABULOUS!!!~ => hee... bought good stuff there man... => feel like asking some friends to go in together again soon... =>

wanna watch de-lovely which karin said was nice in her blog... and i should i watch maria full of grace or before sunset?~ hmmz... shark's tale vcd and dvd are out in JB lorz... nick went to but them... hahaha... was fun shopping with guys for a change yesterday... jeff and nick... jeff and i bought a comfy and warm wind breaker... =>

sjcc meeting on monday wasn't that bad... am in school now coz i'm gonna hand over stuff to chef!~ yes!~ i'm handing over le!~ resigning le!~ FREEDOM!~ yesh!~ => => =>

haiz... don't know what i'm gonna do now too... feels kinda empty though... =<'if you're unhappy then there's no point staying. most impt is being true to yourself. there's always a first for everything. just make sure u know wad you're doin.'

how true... how true... =>

back to blogging. am sick and tired of life. been working non stop again. i know. what's new rightz?~ but i guess i'm looking for another job now. i need the money. not for myself. for my family. worked opening today. after ending work at 1pm, i couldn't help but stay behind to rot. as usual. did the end of month stock take for them and had some time to think about stuff by myself. there's a lot of things that need my attention now. and work is not as simple. being a cl comes with great responsiblities. and i thought this hols will be a slacking one for me. fat chance. i need to study my cldp before i'm slaughtered by yalee. ha. there're so many things to memorize and understand before i can be a certified cl. wonder how's gerald going to cope with this and his exams juz round the corner. hmmz. he was working today too. and helped angeline out with some of the paperwork stuff even though he had punched out. yepz. don't know why but he was so hostile yesterday so today's my turn. then he was like 'don't be so hostile lahz.' whatever. koon lee auntie was teasing me about being with sunil. dotz. gerald heard it from the counter and turned and said in chinese 'how can you do this to me, dearest xiu xiu?' double dotz. and that was when everyone really believed we are together. blearghz. working is the only few times you would hear me laugh this hols. it's that serious. i don't believe that there's any happiness on this earth anymore. i juz typed and printed out my sjcc resignation letter. yes. RESIGNATION LETTER. and i'm going to take my basic driving test first. the advanced and practical will have to wait until i grauduate from school. yepz. that's my life for the past few weeks and most probably for the next few too. gonna ctach shark's tale with my bro. => a smiley in the whole paragraph. i wonder what that means?~ and yes. i got over that guy. i thought i would never. but i guess i did. and i'm happier that i did. certain things will remind me of him but ~*shrugz*~ work life and ig life means more to me than him. cheerz.

shit. the thing i have been dreading for the past few months has happened. they came to our home to deliver the letter le. i dont' know what i'm supposed to do now either. read the letter but didn't understand a single word of it. juz that it's damn terrible.

was working juz now. 7 am to 7 pm. tired. but happy coz i never think of anything but work juz now. talked to angeline juz now and she bought bee hoon for me too. =>

ig meeting was alright. took up another project. not really in charge but yepz. but they forbade me to touch the candy canes one!~ blearghz. i know it's for my own good but i know i can do it. ha well. i shall juz enjoy being part of the fun then and support the other events. went out after the dance later to causeway point with karin. the dance was fun. interesting but kinda exhausting as well. => met my colleague at causeway. ha. first time my poly friend ever saw my work friend. had a good time slacking around. => and the pasar malam was great. => long time since i walked one. =>

been trying to get enough sleep these days. tired these days with non stop of pushing myself harder and to work more to prevent myself from thinking too much.

finally doing my CLDP after being promoted for so long. => will start studying tomorrow. wanted to rest early but couldn't sleep without sending out the minutes for yesterday's meeting. so i did it. sent it out le.

wasnted to learn how to drive. but what sulan auntie said makes sense. could i cope?~ maybe it would be better if i waited until i graduated. anly bad thing will be that it's gonna be a automatic license. not my manual one. so no more ferrari. =X

yarz. told karin about him and gerald. talking about him i wasn't so high. maybe coz i know we're impossible. talking about gerald and i was grinning like an idiot. ha. i'll be seeing him this sunday. stock take this sunday. maybe can get gerald to stay with me. => ha.

been 'sweetened' these 2 days. when i went out with crys. she wrote a poem on the tissue and gave it to me. => talked to jasmine and she said she forgot to bring something which she bought in malaysia and she was looking out for a tomato figurine for me too. => went out with karin and she treated me to a tawain sausage coz she knows i like them. => thank you guys!~ =>

yepz. gotta go. not in a good mood. as can tell from my full stops instead of dotz. =X

actually... been wanting to say this for a long time le... but never got around saying it at all... so here goes...

i realized that people working in mac doesn't come from a very good family background... after working for the past 8 months there... i've forged friendships with people i never thought i would and we shared so much and went through so much... i learnt so much from them too... it's like... i'm fortunate that i'm born into such a good family and theirs are not as good... =>

hahaha... crys's next to me now... and looks half dead... => yepz... went out with her to breko yesterday... and walked around for some... =>

kz... this is gonna be a short blog... wanna sleep... ~*yawnz*~

an nian yi ge ren shi tong gu de... dan you shi ye shi wu ke nai he de...

hmmz... something's wrong with my tag board... so i shall juz reply you guys here..

>_<: i'll try... but at times it's juz so hard to do that... boozey: hahaha... so nice talking to you yesterday... and i really thought you would have forgotten about you being my personal PA... =>
lengzai: you're laggy lahz!~ hahaha... =>

okie... time for my updates... have been working like crazy this few days... with all the deco of the store for hari raya and deepavali to be hung up before rashid and kelvin came yesterday... but so proud of my own work!~ ~*applausez*~ friday night and yesterday morning down crew until damn horrible... friday: me and angeline (my manager) and i doing counter... jeff in kitchen... hadi filtering... and the products we owed are humongous!~ =X the 2 of us in front almost died... yesterday morning sales was very good for once... but all of us died... => nick at lobby = no lobby crew... so dirty!~ gerald and brandar at counter with sometimes angeline... jeff doing his transition stuff... auntie koon lee and i in the kitchen... never owe stuff... but it was A LOT of people... dotz... =X

accompanied gerald till he finished work... and i made him laugh so much till at one point he juz squat on the floor in the kitchen when he was supposed to wrap the burgers... so i wrapped lorz... hahaha... so funny... and worse... now the whole store thinks we are together... NO WE ARE NOT!~ arrghz... all because of the 'qin ai de...' thing and now it's like that... and jamilah said she's gonna tell his bro... dotz!~ but anyway... going JB with the mac people on the 2nd of november... hee... so looking forward to it!~ overall... work's been alright... juz kinda tiring these few days with being store from night till day till night till day and till night again... back to back working hours kinda thing...

the rest of my life had been so so... working hard now to get my car license soon... and sjcc still suckz!~ no matter how much i enjoyed the charity thing... but hope my family can survive through this month and the next... it's quite upsetting to know these things are happening and all... and no one i could really share with... but i told you >_<... that's the thing i'm afraid of and why i might quit school... i've been thinking about it and still am... sometimes... there's no smooth sailing in life and i wonder why izzit alwayz me?~

let's see... i do want to enjoy myself with the people i care for... but it's not easy trying to meet up... haiz...

and as for him... i think trying to suppress all the feelings and pushing to the back of head has worked... i dont' feel for him like before but am trying to think of someone else... someone i see more often at work... => maybe that's a sign that means i'm over him?~ i don't know... went to visit some blogs here and there... and the worse i have hoping won't happen... but it did... haiz... maybe i should go and talk to her about it...

Working till you are on the point of collapse is a good way of avoiding one's problem and heartaches... but if you do collapse... they'll come bounding up to you to hit you in the face...

it's so true... that's what i'm doing now... =l

for every sad or terrible thing which happens we grow a little stronger...

hmmz... has that happen to me yet?~ maybe... after all... i wasn't who i used to be anymore... i've changed... and i've decided to never look back anymore... there are people who can't accept the fact that i've moved on and they aren't part of my life now no matter how much they wanna be... i really treasure those that accept me for who i am alwayz and stay by me... thank you guys...

especially to my boozey...

miss you so much!~ take carez of yourself and good luck for your re-paper today!~ ~*hugz*~

have been blog surfing while waiting for the file to attach itself for the email... sometimes... i don't know if people says what they mean or not... maybe they do... maybe they don't... but i guess i'm kinda disppointed with the ig main com in some ways... did talked to melson... karin and sha that night when the hm side all didn't stay overnight for the chalet 'cept fagan and i... and so i told them how i feel about us as a whole... felt that i was overly sensitive about the issue and all... but hey... it's my feelings and thinking... sha and all never say much... juz listen to me talk... haiz... sometimes i do wonder what am i doing with so much committments everywhere?~ i'm not like karin who is a super woman in my eyes... => i wish that i was like any other poly students... with no cca... no work... juz studies or maybe ok lahz... a bit of work... it'll be so slacked!~ and all my secondary friends don't seem to understand me... 'cept daddy and yinyee... it's not i don't wanna meet up and all... i want to... but with all the stuff that i gotta do... all that i have to shoulder and hold... i wonder how come i haven't give way to the weight yet?~ everyone keeps saying i'm busy... yes... i am... but there's nothing i can really do about it... since i chose to be this way... there's a reason behind it... and the reason is simple... i juz wanna forget the guys i ever liked and am liking now... with no time to be bothered with all the crap of feelings of liking for someone... i can do juz fine... i'm a girl whom given the time will 'think too much' as they like to say...

if i had the choice... i won't choose to like you at all knowing that you'll never be mine... why muz i be put through this cruelty and be hurt?~ isn't once enough?~ i took so long to forget about the incident and now i have to be put through it again... why izzit alwayz me?~ why?~ i wish i was never born... then i won't get hurt... and i won't need to love... i'm selfish... but juz let me be... who carez about me?~ to others it's alwayz 'me me me...' never 'others others others...' what shit is that?~ i thought of juz ending my life a few times... but there's alwayz something holding me back... daddy... yinyee... my friends at work... my family... karin... jas... crys... i know suicide is not the solution to any problems... but when i'm left all alone facing things like that... i would rather not live at all...

i hate sjcc and all its crap load of shit. i'll feel better off as a member rather than as a committee. and i heard some stuff from >_<... girl... you take good carez kz?~ don't think too much... ~*hugz*~

heyz... i'm back... went to MINDS at margarte drive today because of a charity event of SCA's... international chef's day... => it was good... at that location... there's trevor... devina... steven (he came later...)... shixian and me... shixian reminds me of slyvester from singapore idol... a bit beng-ish but quite cute that kind... even devina agrees lorz... => ha!~ the kids there are so different from me and you and they make me think... it's like... if you know your kids are going to turn out this way.. will you still give birth to them or abort them?~

i was the first to start the food distribution with shixian to one of the junior class and i guess we were both quite lost at first... but thank god for the chefs... kenng kong from swissotel and detlef greiert from SATS... the food was good too... mashed potatoes... brownies... hotdogs... fruit salad with scallops... fish fingers... we helped them cut their food... open up the containers and talked to them for a while... it was when we were leaving the class when shixian said something that left a deep impression on me... he said that he wasn't good with kids coz he's an ah beng... but the way i see him interact with the kids... you can't tell... he was very patient with them and all... and i was very impressed... never judge a book by its cover... i told him that... and he was so shy and all... ha!~ => had a good time and all... then shixain popped up with the question of whether we want to go bright hill where otto weibel and some of the rest of the committee members are... so we went... steven... devina... him and me... he drove us there larz... and on the way kenna suan by him... => all in all... i think it's a wonderful experience and the kids made me realize all the more how fortunate i am to be born the way i am... healthy and all... especially when i compare myself to the autistic kids... i really thank god for who i am...

i've come to a conclusion juz recently too...

the more you search for love... the harder the door is fastened against you...

it's so true... sometimes... when you're single... you keep on hoping there's a person next to you... all for you.. but when in a relationship... you juz wanna be alone... that's how i am feeling now... i like him... at least i think i still do... but i juz wanna let go... what's the point of holding on when he'll never belong to me?~ i know that as a fact that i'm sick of waiting... i'm alwayz kept waiting... whether it's for friends or for people i love... why can't it be that they are the ones waiting for me?~ why?~

i'm giving up le... really too tired to wait any longer.. if we're meant to be.. good... if not... too bad for me... and i think when he returns... i'll hear things that'll hurt me and hopefully kill my liking for him...

arrghz... was working for the past 4 days... non stop... work is like my ecstasy... i'm living because of work... especially work on sundays... coz there's lesser aunties and more young crew and gerald and jeff will usually be there... then they'll start bullying me and i'll juz run after them that kinda thing... sounds childish i know... but they're not young too... i'm like 18... jeff's 17... gerald's 23... hahaha... => and if daddy's working... even better... someone to talk to... never see her for so long le!~ => hopefully this sunday gerald is working again and can accompany till 530 or something again... then we'll crap again... even sulan auntie says we're damn noisy lorz... hahaha... =>

kz... going off le... take carez peepz...

i don't wanna know... if you're playing me keep it on the low... oh baby i don't wanna know...

hiyoz!~ went to work yesterday... was so happening canz?~ => coz my qin ai de gerald got work as well mahz... => hahaha... yes... qin ai de gerald... don't know why he started calling me that too lehz... was a few weeks back when the bm came and travel store... that's when the whole thing started... hahaha... and maybe with the cl verification... we met to go there and got even closer i guess... => but no!~ he's not the guy i like or has been talking about... then okie... about yesterday...

worked opening... and then gerald came at 7 plus 8 to work... was fun... never got to do counter with him though coz of transition... =<) i punched out early due to poor sales... gerald... meizhen and brandar all 2 o'clock one... so i kinda rotted at store... didn't feel like going off early (as usual... =>) then gerald punched out and came to disturb me at the ice cream there... hahaha... coz the machine there is like MY place knida thing so yarz... => he accompanied all the way till 530pm although he got a test tomorrow... and coz it rained too... so he couldn't leave as well... => and the 2 of us were so noisy... we were like he say one sentence and i'll retort back and vice versa kind... so the whole store was so happening... => and we tried shutting up coz the rest of them said we were way too noisy... so we did... and the store was like totally silent... => ha!~ and once we shut up... they started saying things like we were together and all the shit... but we were like 'huh?~' and the cl verification results are out... we both got a hundred!~ YEAH!~ => ha!~ it was really fun to talk to him... in crap language... hahaha... then we laugh laugh laugh and everybody else were so blur... => love working with him lahz... hope this sunday he's working again too... and he's so different form chin wei lorz daddy... total opposite.. even yenyee auntie said so... =>

ah well... was working juz now too... damn tired now... after koon lee auntie went home... it was me and me only at the counter... =X but alright lahz... love work!~ =>

as for the him... i don't wanna know anything else le... it isn't easy trying to control my own feelings... that's why i love to work too.. get myself off him and concentrate on working... i don't think he knows i like him... though some people have told me it's quite obvious... maybe this short break will help me in getting over him... or at least pushing him to the back of my head... =l

karin and jas they all have gone to malaysia le... they'll only be back on thursday... haiz... miss them le... =< but if she's working... i doubt gerald will be... maybe he'll work in the evening?~ hmmz... who cares?~ juz that i'll miss having someone to fight with... hahaha...

gotta go have dinner before my mummy screams at me... =>

take carez guys...

i miss him... =<

heyz... juz came back from the chalet... tired... and so lack of sleep... but it was fun lahz... => thankz to all the sub com who made all possible... =>

hee... first day was okie... i can't comment much since jas and i only reach the place at 11 odd due to sjcc meeting (blearghz!~)... stewart saw my hair and called me 'boy'... hahaha... that night at the retreat... didn't really sleep... was spent watching karin and sha coming up with the mass dance steps... => and the song is now stuck in my head!~ arrghz!~ shoot!~ =<> hahaha...

second day was much better... went out early in the morning with crystal hoping to rent a bike... but the place wasn't open... =<> so funny!~ the water bomb game in the courtyard was like... 'pain!~' the rocks were hard and hot and poor feet!~ and she was so pro at scissors paper stones... => in the end my group was bombed... at the feet... => at least never kenna anywhere else... => then the last game was the stick your face in flour to find pears and to search for cards using only the mouth in a basin of don't know what water... =X heng we all never really eat lunch... except for one previous game where we had to finish 1.5 litres of coke and a pack of marie biscuits... my goodness... in the end... we had to search for water bombs to bomb each other's group with... => that was fun!~ coz the weather was hot hot hot!~ started bombing the game masters together... avril... crystal and gavin... hahaha... => and it was coloured water... oh my tian... then don't know who started it... after finish playing.. in order to go indoors... we washed our feet outside and all... and someone took out pails and pots to wash all the stains off the bbq area... and while collecting water... the plashing started and then juz pouring water over each other... so suai... i also kenna... and i stank... =X i think i killed some lizards or something with the smell i was emmiting... ew!~ in the end play play play and there were a few of us who were like totally wet... gavin... nic... crystal... avril... me... tian ah!~

went to the pool there to shower by getting totally wet again and crystal and i were like sunbathing while karin and leigh were kinda swimming... and boon and avril joined them almost fully clothed... => fag and gavin came and went in too... =>

the bbq started in the evening... and i don't know... as usual... i was stuck by the pit and started helping them cook the food... i got pissed somewhere at the end of the bbq... totally pissed... with people... =X so pissed till i wanted to borrow crys's bike to juz cycle around to let off some steam... but in the end she accompanied me around... we didn't go far... juz cycled around the place... and i talked to her again... really nice to talked to her... and the wind was great... => kinda smoothed my frayed nerves and all... =>

and my tian... i love rosell and sarah!~ => i wanted to eat apples and they actually went all the way to arrange mine beautifully in a cup juz for me... => so sweet of them!~ => thankz so much!~ =>

slept early that night... the third day wasn't much... saw some of them off who needed to be back on school... checked out and all with the rest of them... and went white sands to grab some food... and to the arcade!~

i am speechless lorz... crys... you are right... i am so going to write whatever i think at the arcade down now... gavin is like ~*jaw dropz*~ at para para... damn pro lorz... ~*speechless*~

went home and slept for a few hours... => tomorrow working again... => finally!~ =>

and as to my previous entry when i said that i don't know whether things will get better or worse... i felt that it was alright... but when i was at the chalet... i thought a lot... there were some instances when i regret liking him at all... he's nice... no one could tell me any thing much negative about him... but there were times i felt that liking him was justified... talked to someone about it and she was great at comforting me and all... ha well... like what she told me... 'ger, dun be so botheed by it la. let nature take it course...' hopefully it'll turn out alright... => and this person and told me something and i'm like oh my tianing now... => ha!~

already the heart's gone... so what's good if there is a body and soul but essentially no heart?~

i've fallen too deep this time...

i wanna get out but i can't and don't want to...

i think i'm on the road to self destruction...

hiaz... juz a few hours after that blog and i'm feeling differently le... blearghz... =< "treasure... cherish... forgive... love..."

life is short... i've been thinking juz now as i swam... i want the best out of life and no one can give that to me besides myself...

read my journal entries over the weeekend as i wrote in them... and it juz reminded me how stupid i was back them... hahaha... brought back a lot of memories... whether wanted or unwanted... it's only this few years that those entires are getting more personal as compared to when i started... it was juz a daily rememberance without any feelings...

all the love that i found in crez left so much impression on me... miss those days when i could juz sit outside the class and watch the world go by... it wasn't easy letting go... but i guess i've grown used to the feeling of being alone... with all my friends around me...

i love my life the way it is...

haiz... but muz it alwayz be this way where when i like that person... the person won't know or his heart is taken?~ sickening... bleaghz... =<

kz... time to take a long journey and sort out my ever messy thoughts...

everyone out there...

take carez!~ ~*hugz*~

oh.my.god. i saw my tomato!~ hahaha... he was walking into school juz now but he never see me... =<> ha!~

and sunday was worse... voice haven't come back and i was working from 9 but in order to learn opening... i was at store at 6 am... my god. till 5 pm and i totally sound like a guy/dinosaur... that was what my managers told me... hahaha... then my dearest gerald was working too... and he kept imitating my voice and all of them forbade me to talk... => so funny...

and i cut my hair!~ it is short... hahaha!~ =>

happy life!~

i juz saw him... hahaha... =>

i hate being in sjcc. this is what i'm feeling now. everything's so bloody screwed. everything is alwayz so last minute until i can't commit myself to it at all. and some people keeps saying how commited they are. and all the shit that they are receiving. how about me?~ why so self centered?~ you think you've got a lot to do. so what?~ big deal?~ ask me go school early to help you out. FINE. in the end who does the all the work?~ ME. what you do?~ FLIRT AROUND. so that's work. now i know. you complain that people aren't supportive of you. look what you're doing before saying. do you set an example?~ NO. what the hell. i really regret not quitting that time when i had the chance. what's the point of staying on in the commitee when i feel so useless and when i'm not happy AT ALL. i am so pissed off. everyone points fingers at you. what you suppose to do?~ go down meekly?~ never. i'll show you that when i'm pissed. you better leave me alone. otherwise that's it. I HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THIS SHIT.

ha!~ finally!~ movies under the starz was GREAT!~ totally fabulous!~ => i can't wait for the next one!~ => let me run through what happened yesterday...

went school to bring stuff up to the pantry and to do up the sjcc notice board and all... then went over to expo to do some sjcc stuff... met people who knew mr ram and mr tan hsien wei... => so cool!~ after that had lunch cum dinner at sumo house at bedok interchange area... was good... =>

went school to return the books and all to chef and wanted to help out in packing the goodie bags... but turned out that it was all done... slacked for a while(and got jealouz... =<) before getting to the amphitheatre... boo!~ went over and started preparing evrything for the event... but that stupid piece of cloud!~ rained lorz!~ inknow i love rian... but not on the day of the event!~ heng got back-up plan... went over LT 23 to set up... wans't as good but the show was good... 50 first dates... ha!~ am so in love with the show although the ending's a bit abrupt... but the view i had was not good... was right in front of the screen and the characters looked distorted... => the next show...love actually was back at the amphitheatre... wasn't as good... but love the songs being played... especially 'too lost in you' by sugarbabes... => brought back memories... =l

and...

i think i'm falling in love...

yepz... shake your head and open your eyes bigger... i like someone le!~ nice guy... => ha!~ those who knows who i'm talking about... sssh!~ haiz... i won't say that my heart is finally taken... but it's been a long time since i felt so jealous!~ hrmphz!~

ha well... gotta go... this should be the last blog until dcember the 6 or something... => will update again if anything happens...

i will dream forever if it's the only way to keep you here...

good day to all!~ it will be a perfect day!~

yeahz!~ i changed my blogskin le!!!~ => and it's so cool... so user friendly and the html is so much easier for IT-fools like me to understand... => heng it's not xml text... ~*sighz of relief*~

these few days have been quite hectic... with me trying to do a balancing act between everythings that's coming my way... but managed to pig out yesterday by skipping lectures and crashing NP... went to find daddy aka boozey... => went to one of their lectures about xml amnd i was like "huh?~" but never see chin wei and all the people i know... only saw xiangyun... was supposed to go home but in the end ended up at KAP's mac and cold storage... it has been so long since i actually sat down with boozey and rotted... yarz.. we were talking about work... updating each other on our lifes and comparing the service quality and product between the HQ and our store... was such a big difference lorz... ha!~ went cold storage and walked around looking for alcoholic drinks(for me) and sweets(for boozey)... => bought hagen daz ice cream for myself too.. such pampering!~ and a bottle of vanilla coke too... =>

about the crashing at NP... found out that NP people are very different from TP... at TP... i seldom have to be a second hand smoker but at NP... i think i became one... yuckz!~~*coughz*~ the way they dress is very different too... jeans and top... like all standardized one... in TP it was like "wear what you want day"... hahaha... => then they're not as friendly as compared to TP people... or maybe it's juz because i'm from hospi and boozey's in IT... =<>

working wise was alright... decided to stay after all... couldn't put jscc down and disappoint them... i am now officially a workaholic... => proud to admit and proud to be one... => went down store after terry fox run that day... to source for stuff and also to see them... i know they would be down crew that day so i went and kinda helped out... => was so happy... accompanied jeff to jgcc to give them the new prawn products too... for don't know what reason too when they have their own prawn products too... but oh well... we took a bus down but walked back... => managed to talk sensible stuff as compared to our usual bickering selves at work where we would juz start smacking each other... => hahaha...

OM coming down this saturday again and 'sway' enough... i'm covering the shift where he is coming down... supposed to be Pc but ended up at the counter with gerald and don't know who... but well... i love counter too... so heck lahz!~ => sunday working counter too... with brandar and meizhen and jeff(=>)... this is going to be so much fun... =>

this friday suddenly a lot of things cancelled... marketing tutorial... bese lecture and meeting with the chefs... so only left AR lecture(which i don't think i'm going...)... the exhibition at expo and movies under the stars... => what i'm planning to do is skip Ar... go exhibition and then come to school for movies under the stars... => isn't that a better option then MIA from ig?~ => i think it's a goof solution... then next day have to work... so can't go for the bizsportsday thing... but next wednesday is horrible too... got crew leader verification test and meeting with chefs at 7 at night... like... "huh?~" aiyoz...

never mind... shall concentrate on the tea reception later and take one step at a time... =>

take carez peepz... =>

hmmz... just changed my blogskin... but found out that the entry area is damn small... so i'm still searching...

let's see... projects have all been handed up but somehow there remians to be a lot of things to be done... like for the past few days have been having fun in the saffron kitchen with jasmine and the chefs... => got free food mahz jas!~ don't point and laugh... => yes... jasmine's next to me and laughing at the chef part... =>

anyway... i think i'm going to be MIA-ing from ig for a while... coz all the events clash with my time i set aside for other things... like friday... movie under the stars clashes with my sjcc stuff... so i'm trying hard to make up for not going by helping out with the sourcing of the goodie bags... for bizsportsday... i really need to help out at my work... then monday... CYA... i pleaded juz to go for the course so i can't help out...

haiz... there's so much there's been running through my mind yet i can't really say what i've been feeling...

some people are juz so complex... and i'm one of them...

was working just now... was fun... but damn bloody pissed off by nick... what the fuck?!?~ keep pressing the bell... so i just said back to him in a very fucked up tone asking what he wants just say and stop pressing the bloody the bell... and jeff was like... "whoa!~" and tried to make me laugh at him with jamilah... and today's counter service suckz... with brandar so slow at it... last sunday's service was better... with gearald... cally and feeren... so fun!~ haiz... then did a bit of filtering juz now with kenneth... my shi fu... => miss working with chinwei... but sulan auntie was talking to me today... so happy too!~ => and ai jiao auntie came this morning to eat... and nizam is actually very nica too... like what jeff said yesterday... in the morning... the aunties will look after us... in the afternoon... we fend for ourselves... at night... we'll look after the aunties... => it's like i'm finally clicking with them... => and AR suckz... it's a nice subject but the project suckz... am doing it now again... from friday till now... after work and it's AR... i feel so thankful that fiona's helping out... hopefully the grades will come out good... => gotta go... see ya!~ =>

so sick and tired of everything... haven't been sleeping enough and thus falling sick le... =X haven't been taking good care of myself i know but there is no more time le... i'm like rushing around like mad juz to get stuff done it hurts to know that no effort or support from others are given... i went down store yesterday straight after school to get the lanterns done up and it felt so good to be there... at least the people there appreciate my going down...

haiz... don't know if i should still leave store... or even if i should take leave to go malaysia with the cohort... if i leave store... i'll be letting down the whole team... if i stay... i'll juz let one person down... if i go malaysia... i'll be taking a break... but i'll be paying for everything myself... coz i'm the one who's going so i won't ask my parents for a single cent... so that cost me like at least near to 300 singapore bucks?~ if i don't... i'll be able to work for 4 days... so that's like (S$3.09X8)X4=S$98.88... plus the S$300 i'll be saving... so that'll be S$398.88 that i'll be saving... and that will go a long way in paying for my school fees... and once i start working full time... there's a lot places i can go with the amount of money i will be earning...

sighz... really hate making decisions...

i had my milkshake and strawberries le... with steph and claire at the bugis outlet... so cool... first time that i went out with them and the bus we took actually broke down... hahaha... => but we werer juz slacking for a while before leaving for our homes... so long since i slacked... but the last time i slacked was at mensa with jasmine... that felt great too... =>

love working so much... (like what's new rightz?~ =>) and saffron is so fun!~ => but i think i'm stressed out a bit... but not sick yet... => it shows that work is my medication to stress... => hahaha... i sound happy rightz?~ but what the bloody hell?~ i am pissed by today's service saffron... totally pissed off... by a few people at the culinary side too... but i really pei fu those who came today... they are like working so hard... thank god we didn't have a full house today... =>

gotta go... this week is going to be total crap...

ha well... =>

i will survive!~ =>

i think i'm losing my appetite... i don't seem to want to eat anything except mos burger's strawberries and the vanilla milkshake...

that is not good news...

sighz...

can't wait to go to work on saturday... then can see everyone... =>

why muz i alwayz choose?~ why muz i make the final decision?~ then after making it people seems to question it...

i told yalee everything that happened... all that i have beeen feeling... from quitting school to how people seems to be upset that i got promoted faster then them although i've been working for a shorter period of time... and about how torn i am to work and to choose between jscc and ntu... she was very patient... but i think that she's disappointed with me still... after all... we've been through so much together... but she never say anything...

went to work yesterday in the afternoon for once... coz rashid was coming... then managed to talk to cally for awhile while she was doing her transition... she asked questions about my decisions and some other stuff and we both juz started tearing again... then koon lee auntie came and asked if it's true that i wanna quit... and why... and the more the both of us talk the more upset we became... for her it was because she feels that no one was concerned about her at all... that even when she told koon lee auntie she was quitting... koon lee auntie was like... 'quit le ye hao...' like nobody wants her to stay... she overheard maha telling ern nee that she hopes that daddy and i can stay though...

and maha knows... but she pretended she doesn't... and even so... she was telling me about the course still... that she'll confirm the date with me again... and now i feel so bad... she's like trying to keep my heart at jscc still... and it didn't help when she told me rashid was very impressed with my performance yesterday... i mean.. i didn't do anything special... i juz worked at the lobby... went counter for the rest of the time... and he's impressed... i mean... hello?~ what's so impressive?~ and she wants me to go back mac to work after graduation... and said that i don't need to wait till i really graduate... and angeline... she said that she worked with hun loon before but she don't see anything nice about him... and that if i leave it'll juz be a great loss to jscc... so what am i supposed to do?~ change my mind and hurt both parties?~ no matter what i do... one side is bound to get hurt in the end... and even now when i've chosen to work once a week at each side... it's not a solution to the problem at all... it's juz a matter of time when i'll be forced to make the decision of where to go once again... i'm buying my time now... hoping that i can make a decision soon... i don't want this to go on... it's so unfair to jscc... after all... it's at jscc where they gave me a chance at working and i do have my emotional attachments there... all the people whom i've worked with... even thinking about it makes me wanna juz give up on life...

it's so tiring...

and ccn... well... it went smoothly... but there was a lot of details that i overlooked... it isn't an event to be proud of... but i do thank everyone's support for it...

i'm like so dead now... it's so tiring... there seems to be no one around when i need them... ok... besides daddy that is... everyone is like so carefree... going school... then go shopping...

the world is like moving past me and leaving me in its dust... people are staring at me as i breakdown and cry...

where are the holidays when i need them?~ i wanna do nothing else except work all day... it's my life...

hate every little thing that seems to bother me... i hope that they can vanish with juz a tap of my fingers...

i'm tired of compromising with everyone...

tired of making decisions...

tired of all the bitches in this world...

i juz wanna be lost in my own world...

alone...

forever...

i hope i will not regret it... and that yalee can forgive and understand why i have to leave... i feel so drained today... but i can't... today's CCN day... i hate making such decisions... one that i have to hurt those who cares about me... really feel like crying now...

i know it's wrong to leave now... but there's nothing holding me back except the course and yalee... there're a lot of people who are unhappy with the fact that i got promoted so fast... really upset.... coz i worked for less than 6 months and i'm already a crew leader... but it's not my choice that i got it so fast... i juz happened to love what i'm doing and have a passion for it... that's why i guess it shows...

but to yalee... i'm really really sorry... and the resignation is letter has been written out already too... so i guess my mind's made up... what a screwed up world...

i am sooo bored... there's nothing to do and i don't understand the AR lab lesson that's going on now... was talking to kate juz now and all about attachment... am thinking far but i have to think about it sooner or later too...

heard something from daddy yesterday... abuot how the store have to hit 100K otherwise yalee will have to leave... if she really leaves... i'll have no point in staying on either... sad sad...

juz realize that i should do up my ig proposals now with this time...

kzkz...

take carez...

i finally let out all that i am feeling these days juz now... and it feels so good now... to know that i'm not the only one that feels that work is higher in pirority as compared to school... and that i'm not the only one who is thinking of quitting school... there's someone out there who feels the same way as i do... => and that person is none other than my daddy... => really thankful that she is there for me alwayz... => no matter the time... juz like him... and that she understands all that i'm feeling towards my work... =>

but i still miss jiawei...

i really do...

it's getting so hard these days...

shit... there's something wrong with this blog thing... i typed another blog and now everything is gone... the whole world is like so pissing me off now... fuck!~

i'm so damn frustated... with everything... was msging jasmine today to see if we'll be meeting for lunch today and somehow we began talking about other stuff... like the baking and sjcc... and told her i felt... she was very understanding... maybe coz our committments are about the same?~ as in we share some of the common ones...

i was really freaking pissed off yesterday... with all the stuff that happened juz yesterday morning and early evening alone... then maha was asking if i'm interested to go for a course for the STARS... hostesses and top cats... i am... but the thing is that it's on a monday... i'm so tempted to skip school on monday and go for it... it's the chance i've been waiting for... and anyway... it's bese...

heard some stuff from cally as well... that if NTU's gonna be opened on sundays... cally... brandar and meizhen will go over... cally asked me if i wanted to... i want to... but the final decision is not up to me... it's whether yalee and the managers are willing to let me leave... and i guess that i have a lot of things and people whom i can't bear to leave behind at jscc... i feel belonged where i am... and i finally got through to the cold appearance of chin wei and the rest of the night crew... and i found out a few other things about them as well... and i managed to learn filtering from kenneth and chin wei... and that maha are treating the night people and the aunties alright... it's juz the younger crew who are so bloody irresponsible that she doesn't really like...

but i guess that in some sense... i still miss hun loon... if only he was more strict about discipline... he was really very nice to all... haiz...

life's alwayz like that... like what yinyee once wrote... i really hate those people who comes into my life and step all over my heart leaving all the footprints behind... so what am i supposed to do with them?~ i had happy memories and sad ones... but if i erase the sad ones... there won't be any happy ones left either...

for once... i don't care if i'm making sense or notz...

and i miss having him to talk to... i mean... we're still friends... but i don't know... how i am feeling now is how i was feeling the last time i really talk to him... that was like what?~ 6 months ago or something...

"i would rather spend one lifetime with you... then face all the ages of this world alone..."

where are you when i need you?~

"why am i the one who is always hurting so much?~ and feeling and thinking so much as well?~..."

it's been a long week... last week was the one week hols but it seems like there was no break at all... it was school stuff all the way... was working only on national day... and that was fun!~ recently... i've been thinking of quiting school... seriously... i guess it has dawned on me now that work is so much fun... it's something i enjoy immensely and won't regret doing... school is alright... but there's quite a number of subjects i dislike... like bese for one... =< yet there's so many things i can't bear to leave behind... ig for one...

sighz... i don't know what i'm supposed to do now... had dinner with the ig that day after the biz graduation... but somehow.. i feel that there's not much changes except in 2 people whom i see... it's upsetting that even when i say what i'm feeling out... people juz take it in from one ear and out the other...

gotta go do publicity le... see ya guys around...

am so fuckingly pissed off at the whole world... what bright side of the situation?~ is there any?~ i doubt so... hate those insensitive people around... those who thinks that i have a lot of time to spare and waste for one... those who do things so fucking slowly and leave things hanging in mid-air... and those who can't seem to accept the fact that i am human too and leave me alone when i need to... those who think are my friends but turn out to be people who thinks that the world should revolve around them...

I HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THESE NONSENSE!!!~

hmm... don't know why i'm here too... juz so pissed off by the floor manager from another store today... damn idiot lorz him... ass hole... but it was fun working today... with prem and all... => hahaha... the ITE one... coz somehow i ended up as the poly one... =>

the loyalty kiosk has started... juz go and sign up and start earning the points!~ => hahaha... free commercial... => i'm working on monday... => 7.5 hours... multiply that by 6.18... and that will be my pay for that day... YEAH!!!~ => =l$$l=

okie... this will be like the shortest entry ever or something... gotta go do my work le... although it's the hols after all... => at least i'm busy... => and having fun!~ =>

love seeing my motivation... ha!~ =>

"don't let fate control your destiny... control your own destiny..."

that's the quote of today... hahaha... i feel good today... after such a rotten day in school yesterday when i screamed at the class to juz let the tutor finish talking... i feel bad... so here's to people from T02...

SORRY!!!~

i guessed i juz wasn't in my best of moods then... =X

but now i feel good... things are going great.. everything is going fine... and i'm HAPPY!!!~ => why? coz i got motivation to go school now... but my motivation doesn't know who he is... hahaha... yes... it's a HE... => so happy... then we talked and all... => nothing much but i juz feel happy... => and hun loon will be coming back this sunday to visit us... hahaha... so happy... then saturday will be working counter with lee lee and maha... => that's the reason why i'm so happy today... and saffron was great that day...

juz went saffron to eat with jas juz now... hahaha... so i'm broke now... => but with a very satisfied stomach... hahaha...

take carez peepz...

i love everyone!~ =>

'because there's love... there'll be hope...'

been hearing a lot of things about love and all these few days... really a lot...

been seeing things that i shouldn't have seen as well.. things that made me think that getting attached isn't such a good idea after all... but then... looking at my parents... i really envy their relationship... they are married for like 20 odd years yet they are still so in love with each other... always teasinbg each other and all... if i ever do get married... i wish for a happy marriage juz like theirs... =>

that day i was writing a blog that i was so proud of but there was something wrong with the internet and it was ALL GONE... so pissed off by it lorz... =X

yarz...

life's been alright now... busy but still able to cope... this week was the max i could take man... 2 days of reaching home at almost 12plus... tired saiz... today will be another day like that...

thinking a lot again... things like work... projects... sjcc... ig... all the crap... i think i'm a born daydreamer... hahaha...

sometimes i wonder how nice and fluffy the clouds in the sky are... looks so cottoney and all... => maybe i should go sky diving one day soon... as soon as i get enough money... hahaha... then i can land on the clouds and see what's it's like... hahaha... =>

been blog hopping agian... visiting others... =>

sometimes... i think that mood swings are getting worse... it's like... i juz get so irritated for no good reason... i mean... there's a reason... but mot that valid of you get my point...

like yesterday's ob lesson... i guessed that i amy have looked ultra piseed off or something coz fagan was trying to get me to smile again... ha!~ we-ll... it worked to some extent... or maybe it's because sue was looking and reminding of a seiw mai and tina and mel were laughing on and on... it's juz contagious so i guessed it brightened up my day a bit... =>

but the projects were crazy... i don't know about you guys.. but i feel that people don't seem to understand me at times...

read this at susan's blog and it made so much sense...

'If you're mad with someone , and nobody's there to fix the situation... You fix it . Maybe today, that person still wants to be your friend . And if u don't, tomorrow can be too late . If you're in love with somebody , but that person doesn't know... tell her/him. Maybe today, that person is also in love with you . And if you don't say it, tomorrow can be too late . If you really want to kiss somebody... kiss her/him. Maybe that person wants a kiss from you, too . And if you don't kiss her/him today, tomorrow can be too late . If you still love a person that you think has forgetten you... tell her/him. Maybe that person have always loved you. And if you don't tell her/him today , tomorrow can be too late. If you need a hug of a friend... ask her/him for it. Maybe they need it more than you do. And if you don't ask for it today, tomorrow can be too late. If you really have friends who you appreciate... tell them.Maybe they appreciate you as well. That if you don't and they leave or go far away today , tomorrow can be too late. If you love your parents, and never had the chance to show them... do it.Maybe you have them there to show them how you feel. That if you don't and they leave today , then tomorrow can be too late. '

and then there's the part where you find out that who you regarded as your close friends are not actually... it cuts you like a knife stuck in your heart and you juz can't breathe anymore... why are there people like that?~

that's what i mean by my mood swings... or perhaps i juz have split personality... ha!~ won't that be fun?~ i can kill those people i dislike yet deny it and the police won't know... =P yes... i'm crazy... whatever!~ i have a right to be!~ =>

i juz can't be bothered by what others think about me anymore... if i'm like that... i'm like that... you wanna change me?~ too bad!~ i'm someone who will stick to my own values... this is one long blog i'm typing... or maybe it's because that i need to have a vent for myself... a place where i can juz forget about myself and let go...

realized that letting go is actually so good... at least there's no more burden on me... guess i've learnt to let him go after all... after so long... but he still plays a part in my life now... juz that i'm not relying on him so much now... i know that mentally... he'll alwayz be there for me and all... it's not everyday that one can find a friend of the opposite sex who seems to know you inside out... outside in... and he juz remains as a friend to you...

haiz...

why izzit that for some... they can give their all at work while others juz can't be bothered?~ why can't everyone juz do their best for everything?~ won't the world be a better place to live in then?~

feel that i've been drifiting apart from a lot of people... i don't know why either but it's like those who really know me are getting lesser and lesser... or perhaps it's juz that i'm reluctant to open up these days... ever since my 'daddy' started working elsewhere... i felt that something is missing somewhere... i still remember that she would usually wait for me to punch out and we would walk to the bus stop and mrt station together... then we would talk and talk and talk on the way... but now?~ it's so different... i juz keep quiet... there's no point in letting so many people know you inside out when the one who would get hurt in the end would stilll be you...

then hun loon has also left store... it's like he brought a part of the whole crew with him along to NTU... he was 'The One'... the one restaurant manager that everyone was comfortable with... and the stuff he does... he works in the kitchen juz like all of us and listen to the PC for orders... he was someone you could talk to juz like a friend and all... and now... the new restaurant manager is sooo different... for one... she's a lady... second... i don't think she's those whom you can talk to freely...

haiz... sometimes... i do think of why i didn't choose to leave with hun loon that time when he asked... guess that i'm afriad of sudden changes... or maybe i can't bear to leave to lee lee and the aunties and cally behind... they are the ones who really made me feel that i belong there... you guys should have seen me when i go to work... i'll be walking with a spring in my steps... it's juz so fun when you know that you are goig to work with people you enjoy working with...

and i love working at the counter now... i don't know why... maybe coz it allows me to build up some of my confidence and i so enjoy talking to people and learning about what makes them tick... and especially so if lee lee is the manager on duty that day for counter... => i simply love the feel of the rush of the crowds... the challenge of clearing the queues as fast as i can... packing their orders no matter how large it is within the 60 seconds... => it's these simple little things that most dislike that pushes me to work faster and better...

i used to think that working at fast food joints are for the lower class... but now i don't think so... it makes me look at them differently... it's like an insider peek behind the scenes... i used to wonder about the time cards at the warming bin and all... but now i know about it... i'm still in the process of learning something new everyday i go to work... and i realize why the older generations like to say that everyday is a new learning process for all... =>

that's why i simply hate it when people ask me where i'm working and i say 'mac' and they will ask things like... 'the pay is so pathetic... why you still there?~' but have they ever thought of it that in the first place... i wasn't there because of the money but because of the fact that i juz wanna spend my free time doing something... learning something new...

money is important... but i don't think i'm those who work for the money... i work for the fun and joy of working at the establishment that i enjoy... where's the joy in working when i know that i won't be happy working there... like the job teaching enrichment classes during the holidays at different cc around singapore... tha pay was good... 6 per hour and maximum 6 hours per day only... everything is provided... you juz teach... the first day teaching and i went home crying... i totally disllike the job... everyone says i'm crazy that i'm thinking of giving up that job to work more time at mac... going from 6 per hour pay to 3.09 per hour pay... hahaha... i'm crazy but i feel like i'm born to work in the F&B industry... there's a certain sense of pride i feel working there and i'm even seriously considering going back to mac for my SIP in year 3... honestly... or even if i do try other places... i'll still go back to F&B outlets... =>

that's work...

school life's alright... nothing very interesting... but i love tuesdays... coz there's saffron... hahaha... => everyone seems to hate that but i love it coz i get to learn stuff that i can appply back at store... => but i hate putting on make-up... it's so disgusting... =X

ig's still great... juz that i feel that we're still not communicating enough at times...

sjcc's ok... finally feel that i'm happy there... no longer feel like quitting... the teambuilding chalet was really bonding... => hahaha... if that makes sense to you guys... =>

'if this is my destiny... so be it...'

i don't care what people think about it and all... but i juz feel that i should live my life the way i'm happy with...

if i'm happy i'll tell people about me more... if i'm not... juz too bad for you...

'i'm like the clown who smiles on the outside the whole day but is actually crying inside...'

i know i'm gonna breakdown soon but i know i can't... coz i know there won't be people there for me... or maybe it's because i don't know how i'll look when i do... even if i'm juz quiet for some time... everone keeps asking if i'm alright...

'time is needed for me to straighten out my thoughts...'

so please... juz leave me alone sometimes...

i'm still pissed at some stuff... but i don't know how to express it out yet...

haiz...

Somtimes i wish i were a magician... with the ability that with a swish of my wand i can make everyone happy again... with no worries...

sighz... these 2 weeks are gonna be horrible... how i wish it's holidays again so i can go back to work almost every day... sighz... do i really enjoy working so much?~

i've been in school practically by 9 everyday this week... sad siaz... that means i've been waking up at like 615 every morning... WHERE'S MY SLEEP?!?~ arrghz... all the black eye rings showing le... ~*stickz out tongue*~

hahaha... and i've been in a bad mood swing recently... getting very irritated by all the small teeny weeny details of life... blearghz...

but weird-ly... i'm enjoying this sem more... perhaps because of saffron... hahaha... and marketing... => simply LOVE learning things to do with F&B.. => adn there's so much things i can learn to balance and not feel exhausted and all... => love the feeling of that... this's what poly life should be like... i know a lot of you will disagree with me... but i'd rather feel that i haven't wasted my time here then juz have 2 or 3 commitments... study and work... where's the fun in there?~ pole life's meant to teach all of us the miracle of time... that if you handle your time well... there'll be more than 24 hours in a day... there'll be 48 hours instead...

think about it... =>

at times.. i really wonder where do i ever get the energy and time to do all the stuff i am involved in...

it's like there's SJCC... IG... work... school... ha!~ maybe i'm a super woman at last or something!!!~ =>

'with great power comes great responsiblity...'

hahaha... went to catch spidey 2 already... was a good movie but i still prefer the first... but the seats of the 2nd installment wasn't that good... i think i've gotten a cramp from there... =>

there's been much running through my head these days... like...

1> how did 24 hours seem longer than they are these days?~ i seem to have loadz of time for everything...

2> then there's work... i feel that i enjoy working at mac so much that i can juz practically live there and eat the food there... and grow to the size of the director in the movie 'super size me'... althought i don't think that'll happen to me... => ha!~

3> there's the projects in school whereby everything seems to be due on the 30th of july... and EXAMS ARE COMING!!!~ shootey!!!~

4> wondering why am i alwayz kept waiting... 1 minute... 1 hour... 1 day... 1 week... 1 month... i year... how long more muz i be made to wait before i can finally get my own peace?~

5> why izzit that everytime i board the bus... people will be like rushing to get on it?~ ever realized that even you're rushing for time and the last person tales his/her time to board the bus... the bus still can't close the doors and move off?~

6> ARE SINGAPOREANS REALLY THAT UGLY?~ we seem to bo rushing in everything we do... not being considerate to others and their feelings... alwayz queuing up for freebies... let me give you an ugly example... was working that day at the community centre's open house... so mac had 2 booths... 1 to publicize the happy club for kids and the other for redemption of free drinks... i was at the club booth there with my managers and all... and there's this one lady who brought along 2 BIG empty bags along with her... she went to queue at all the stalls to claim the freebies and left with 2 filled bags of 'souvenirs'... it was an horrid sight... =X lee lee(my manager) and i were so disgusted by her... =X

7> been thinking about waiting for him until he finishes NS... but felt there's no point in holding on to the past... what's yours will come back to you someday but... ~*sighz*~ i don't know... i'm happy with the way i am now... with my days all filled up with fruitful activities... => enjoying every single moment of my life now as a single... => maybe i do enjoy life more this way... freedom within my grasp... =>

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and have a variety of friends. Purple, would
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so tired... :X

Ng Yi Xiu Highway Valley of Depression 6 Bog of Eternal Marriage 20 Loony-Bin Lane 54 County Jail 110 Mt. Happiness 443 Please Drive Carefully

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yoz... i'm bored... coz there's no nice nice shows on tv tonight... maybe i should juz sit down and let my brain rot by watching '6th day'... ha!~ i shall juz do that...

today's work was fun... it's all people i like to work with... 'cept that lee lee wasn't working today... but john was... too bad that i was doing transition though... darn it!~ =<> ~*grinz*~

let's see what else is there...

school's reopening tomorrow... there's saffron on tuesday... which means make up and all that crap... i'm sorry... but you guys should know that i'm not a make up kinda girl... =>

yarz... went out with puimun... waiyee... manmi and yinyee to cartel at suntec on friday to celebrate my belated birthday... hahaha... was so fun... all the food we ate was great too... =>

but somehow... i've still been thinking a lot... like why are things happening to me this way... why are people like that and all... sometimes i really wonder about a lot of things... it's like a non-stop cycle that's going round and round in my mind... there's no end to it.. so i guess there's no beginning to it either... don't know if i'm making sense but yarz... coz like what they say... 'every beginning has an end...'

like sometimes... i wonder how come some people are so irresponsible at times... it's like anything they say muz be worshipped... it's so ridiculous!~ or they come to work and slack around and do things SLOWLY... people are out there owing products and they are taking their bloody OWN SWEET TIME... what's their problem?~ i hate doing PC with people like them... no sense of urgency at all... and managers who doesn't leave a correct impression on crew by scolding 'f' words or hurrying the crew when they are already serving customers... what the freak?!?~ arrghz!!!~ guess that there's a lot of things which i don't understand... a lot of things about people around me... how they are feeling and all... all that kinda stuff... i thought i knew them but yet i don't... it's these kinda weird feelings that makes me feel like as if i've underestimated my own capabilities... like when working... i got my performance/pay review... and i only got a bloody 74.1%... it's only an excellent... blearghz... next time i'll get an 'outstanding'... hopefully... ~*crossez fingerz*~

can't wait for spiderman 2 to be out... so excited about it!!!~ =>

but i'm still more excited about school... it'll be busier with IG and SJCC and mac... but it'll be a kinda fruitful kind of busy... it'll make me feel involved and all... =>

ok... i shall let my brain go and rot...

see you guys... =>

nitey nite!~ =>

been thinking too much these few days... AGAIN... what's wrong with me?~ you know why i'm thinking so much again?~ it's because i did a very stupid thing that day on orientation when i forgot to bring my receiver... the total journey was 4 hours to and fro... so you can guess the amount of thinking i did... and it was serious thinking... ha!~

was thinking about those unpleasant thoughts and all... and it suddenly struck me... what if i die one day without leaving anything or messages behind?~ and i started listing down the things i want to do... it came up to a short list though... it seems like what i ever wanted was done except for a few things...

and i found out that i will only die with one regret... which is good coz i thought there might be more... => this regret will never have a second opportunity to it coz it'll never happen... sadly... =<> you all might think that i'm crazy and all but i'm not... juz been thinking too much... => but it's not harmful thinking... at least my brain is working out... =>

ok... moving on to happy stuff... =>

i got promoted... and guess what's the pay like?~ $3.09... yes it's THAT pathetic... 9 cents more... ha!~ but i don't care... coz I'M LOVING IT!!!~ =>

it's been so fun learning all the stuff from mac... really!!!~ the managers are so nice (except those from bukit panjang plaza... =X)the new training crew that's going over to NTU are nice too... =>

but sometimes i juz get so pissed off by people who alwayz ;push the blame to others... that's one kind of person i dislike... besides dishonesty... =X

yarz... been talking to hilmi more often these days too... =>

guess that's all... can't wait for school to start...

SAFFRON HERE I COME!!!~