Long Journey

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to You

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will You break down these walls and pull me through

Cause It's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to You
To You...

Excited excited excited!!!~

I feel really excited to go back to Msia this time.

For some reason, I am not as nervous as the last time.. instead, I am overjoyed :)

I've been smiling heaps just thinking and planning what I'd be doing back home.

I miss...

• my wonderful parents (though I know I'd be restricted to home esp at nite)
• my friends (whom I love hanging out with... and a couple that is coming back from overseas)
• jamming sessions (miss playing the various instruments)
• serving in my church (miss dancing!!! and see how the youth ministry is goin')
• being in my cell group (unfortunately it has been disbanded already)
• movies & karaoke session (just have fun!)
• M'sia FOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD~ Glorious food! XD
• holidaying & touring around: Penang, Ipoh, Malacca & Spore
• my angel [something new that popped up recently;)] - perhaps that is why I am incredibly excited.

I really do not know what to anticipate...

but I know that I have been counting down the days...

I am salivating for the taste of Msian food...

I think I am about to start packing already!...

I just can't wait.. can't wait.. can't wait.. :) *smileeeeeeezzzzz & Grinnnnnnnz*

You are for me by Keri Jobe

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

1st viewer vs. 3rd viewer - Being Real 2 Yourself

Inspired by the devotional book, Everyday with Jesus - Being Real In Psalms, pg. Mon -6 Jul.

Quote from John Calvin in the book:

"[The psalmist] lay open their inmost thoughts and affections [emotions], and call, or rather draw, each one of us to the examination of himself in particular, in order that none of the infirmities to which we are subject, and of the many vices in which we abound, may remain concealed"

A poem
Looking at her from a distance...
Every move, every step, every path she takes...
Looking in from a third party perspective
Like an outsider prying into her world...
Through the sheer glass wall...
However, as odd as it is, I could still feel her pain...
Her pain becomes my pain...
Why is that? Why does it affect me so much...
It doesn't seem to make sense...
Until I finally came into realisation...
That she...
is actually...

Me.
Written by Lizzie Hie

Have you ever felt as if you, you are always looking through a 3rd person's view?
Are you observing other people's lives? Perhaps a stranger you passed by or someone really close to you...
Or maybe... looking into your own life... but never really dared to face up to it or realise that...
... that person is really actually

YOU

It sounded like some sort of 'Split Personality Disorder', isn't it?
That's what happens when you learn Psychology and you actually remember what you've learned. It's all about identifying the symptoms & finding the right label or description to what have been identified.

Just to clarify, no.. I do not have a 'Split Personality Disorder'. I'm pretty sure of that.

Back to what I am about to say...
Perhaps now I realise that I have been one who tries to keep a distance from my own emotions. One who tries to run away from them.

It's like watching a Taiwanese or Korean drama series. It feeds to your addiction and sucks you into their world... Often we wish that we are the person in the drama... Why? Coming from my personal views:

• I know what went wrong in the character's past and current situations
• I know what is going on in his or her future story (I can fast forward, I just have to keep clicking next - even then, I still have to wait for it)
• Though in the present plot, the characters may not know really know what they are up against, at least I know what is going on in the story
• I see the reality of the story
• I see the whole story line and plot
• I can't change it, but I can see it
  
• Plus previews, always gives it away for the next episodes
  

I've also thought about this:
Though I feel their pain, I am still a 3rd viewer... watching from a far.
I can't warn them, I can't touch them.
They are beyond my reach.. plus, they are just characters from a series/movie.

If I can see myself as a 3rd viewer and feel the pain I ought to feel from the character.
How much more pain would I feel as myself?
How much more afraid I'd be when I face myself with all of these true emotions?
How much more do I need to realise that...
the reality I had in mind.. is not.. the reality..
but that THIS... while I'm awake and alive in the present moment..
is...

...The reality...

3rd viewers can't control the other person's lives. However, as the 1st viewer, you can choose to live your life.

I hate making decisions with the choices I have. It is tiring. It leads to mistakes. Everything can go wrong from one decision. And in most decisions that you make, it affects not only you, but others around you. But perhaps I've been viewing it with the wrong sight... decisions and choices, ain't that bad. It is how I choose to think about them and view them as.

From a 3rd person's view... I imagined God looking into my life...
A God who could see all that I do.
My every step, my every word, my every breath.
A Holy God who sees all my victories and my sins,
A God who could feel all of my joys and pains,
My strengths and my weaknesses,
My true self and my false pretences,
A God who can't turn His eyes away from me...
even for a minute or a second.
He sees it all.

How hard and painful is that? And it is not Him living my life.. it is me, yet He has to bear with all that I am.

Another quote from the book:

"You will never find God as real as when you are real"

Perhaps.. maybe thats why...
I never really felt as if,

I am lacking something real in my life.

The real me
&

the real Him

He has always been real.
However, if I can't even face myself truthfully.
How am I going to face Him truthfully?

How then, am I going to sustain the relationship I have?
with Him and with others.
No wonder my relationships seem so disconnected.

You can't sustain something that is not real.
You can't sustain a false world.

My prayer:
"Help me to face up who I truly am. Help me to face up my inequities and fears. Help me.. to face me for me and You for You..."

Hillsong Conference 2009 @ Acer Arena, Sydney