Labels: Annual Reflection
11:33
The past year was the best and the worst on two ends at the time.
I am not sure how i should reflect on this year.
Watching recaps, seemed to be less enticing now, maybe because I am lacking the mood. Going through the job hunting phase and being reminded constantly of my previous mistakes is terrifying, yet I do have support. I am terrified beyond words at my prospects.
Labels: Annual Reflection
10:21
Labels: Annual Reflection
22:06
It’s a time for reflection. I initially thought that I did not write last year’s reflection as it was not posted on this blog, but I had eventually found it.
I would try to take up as little time for this as I think I have done so much reflection in my studies, doing my yearly one seems like a chore right now.
I guess 2022 can be segmented cleaning into two plus halves: before the semester, during the semester and after the semester. Each of them is equally liminal and surreal similar to how I described in last year's reflection.
While taking a quick glance at what was done this year, there were way too many highs and stresses, sometimes both.
I’d list them down here:
- Invasion of Ukraine
- End of Oreos & Compiling of Oreos Book, Oreos Cadence
- AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER & THE LEGEND OF KORRA, Kowloon Eclipse
- OMOD
- MAAT22 process and actual study
- In-person interview (surreal)
- 1st day/week/month panic/anxiety attack
- Surviving it weekly
- Response artworks and the illumination of my childhood trauma
- The Owl House, Infinity Train, Andor
- Mouse Guard (actually starting and running a new group)
The invasion of Ukraine caught me off guard and even had me draw a response artwork to it. I think I felt a sense of helplessness and it was something in the background I continued to follow throughout the year. The amount of pain felt from it is quite terrible, prolonged over an entire year, it feels strange to be connected to such intense suffering which is rather remote.
The ending of the Oreos was sooner or later, but when the actual news was delivered was as a big bad blow. I think it might have been last year, but this year was when the very final game was played. The final game was very meh and inconclusive, and thus I wrote and ran my own closure adventure to it. Running OCNA was very satisfying, it was the conclusion I needed, Oreo’s finale felt very rushed and much for show. But compiling the 6 years of recaps and maps and artworks was personally exhausting but rewarding. It was so surreal to see all of my work compiled and ended. I was surprised to see how well received (or was I) it was on reddit. It was good to be reminded that some of the trade skills (graphic design) is something I took for granted. But compiling and checking through each page and listing all the maps was a fast-tracked version of the six years compiled into one document. At some point i might have related it to closure of therapy, not sure I had the terms then, but did thought about documentation and how it may be related or not.
Binging Avatar and Legend of Korra was possibly one of the best times. It was possibly during breaks of Esther’s work. I never felt so connected with a kid’s cartoon. I don’t think I had binged a series as hard as avatar or korra since my anime days. Which inspired me to write an adventure because I had all this ATLA/LOK energy and needed to put it somewhere. Running the adventure as a one-shot was not as fun as I thought it went, mainly because it wasn’t written for D/C. However using the music for fights were really interesting and putting my old playsets as maps were extremely fun to say the least. I think Korra’s music got me through quite a bit. Reminded me about myself and my past before I started MAAT, and also during harder times in MAAT. It is overall an experience-changing series. I would want to talk about it all day, but I think the most part of my enjoyment of the series was because of how I projected and transferred my own lived experiences into the events and characters of the two series, the pain i felt through the characters and amplified by the music.
What’s possibly the most surprising of all is my involvement in OMOD. Possibly what I wanted to get into when I worked for Esther, but it seemed odd that it is a sort of closure and a lead into my studies. Also in some sense, it felt like a reward but yet not, but a continuation of where covid left off. It was such a joy to return to a similar space and setting. I think I did not think about it, but having it helped me transition (somewhat) into my studies. It felt like an extension and continuation of the old Playeum, like a reminder of what it was: a reminder of the liminal time when I was volunteering for so many organisations when I was free yet tied to non-commital commitments. But to be there in person and play was the most enjoyable, setting up and making things run is something I enjoy. Possibly an extension or continuation of my film days where I enjoyed working on location/set where things had to be moved around and set up. Though I was still learning to find words, I was learning about my own boundaries and how I had way too much to learn about possibly everything in coming into this new field of helping others. Almost every session of OMOD was both a pain and a joy. I went for all sessions except for the first week of my studies, where I had to give space for my panic/anxiety attack.
This easily segways into talking about the major milestone of all: being accepted and studying to become an art therapist. For most of the year, it still boggled my mind that I was accepted. The results of the in-person interview were truly in a space of liminality and strange oddness. I put it so much effort for something I wanted, but when I actually got it, it felt that I shouldn’t have it? The dissonance was resounding. But it only crept in much later during the first week of the semester, or the month.
The abrupt closure of my previous counselling and the high anxiety and stress of my first day having seen so many people after imposing my personal circuit breaker for such a long time threw me into an absolute state of panic and anxiety for the longest time. I might even estimate that it went on for most of the semester. This might be my anxiety at its worse, any hardly anyone understood, but many tried to.
It was terrifying to be at school daily. Meeting these new faces. Did I really want this? I wanted to quit every single day. I think I wrote this somewhere else, it feels like repeating myself. But everyday felt like ascending Mt. Olympus on Mars. I really didn’t know how i survived, succumbing to my crippling anxiety. Even after adjusting my tea cycle and having a more breathable mask, it was still rather excruciating. Why did I want to carry such a heavy backpack? The route to walk up the stairs and down started with the fear and anxiety of classes. However, it soon grew to become grounding, physical grounding for myself. I am certain there were days that I counted the steps, much like walking meditation, to put myself into a space of the relative calm before the storm. How I survived was maybe by finding a like-minded (?) anxious peer by accident/circumstance who shared interests and difficulties alike. I think the greatest turning point was when I divulged/shared with the peer about most of my difficulties, which was in October, almost half of the semester gone. I was reassured not by words but by a feeling of commonality that I was not alone and, more importantly, I was heard, and others have it like crap too. That long conversation and sharing in between prep for the presentation was a great turning point and gave me more strength to move on despite the constant anxiety. The mountain may have seemed smaller, but the steps continue to be as heavy. I gave in to not finding a personal therapist and stuck with the school-provided counsellor. I chose someone who was in-person. And it was possibly just my luck that this was possibly the first professional who helped me understand my possible neurodiversity through theirs. This was also the first time I had actually spoken to a professional about the unsolvable tension at home and was reassured, or at least it gave me a sense of perspective. Even though it was five sessions spread throughout three months. I think it was most helpful when I did reflection through artworks. Something I had done before applying or during applying for the course, but only understood what it meant when I started to reflect/respond to almost everything through artmaking.
This brings me to possibly the most important artwork of the semester and possibly the year of 2022, when I made a tactile artwork out of non-hardening clay: "Resistance/Resilience". Despise it being obvious sublimation of intense feelings from reading about abuse, it helped me illuminate my own experience. I think I am still reluctant to acknowledge it. It is extremely difficult and always fluctuates and put down my own experience to be less or not equal to the norm. What is the norm? I still struggle with identity. And recalled my other mirror painting about identity. I thought that my living environment was detrimental to discovery, creativity and growth, but somehow or another, I worked towards all three throughout my life despite having all three stunted now and then. It is difficult in being and harder to be. For some reason, I chose to pursue something so close to myself, yet something that I have obvious handicaps with. I have made the first out of four parts, not sure how the next few would go.
The break was supposed to be when I wanted to actually catch up with readings. However, when it actually started, I just gave in and allowed myself to actually relax and rest. Something I have prevented myself from doing during the entire semester, and for most of my lived experience. And of course giving myself that space, I did slip back into unhealthy habits which I give excuses/try to legitmise. But I told myself that December was the space for that. However, some space is needed in between the coming semester too. How would that play out?
Sinking into Horizon Zero Dawn drew me back to times when I gave in completely to my neurological fallacies. I spent almost 10 days on it, at times not even conscious of what is going on. Was it good, was I overfeeding my reward drive too much?
Lastly, it was extremely surprising to start and continue a new tabletop RPG group. Given how much time I actually have in the semester. But trying to pick up and learn a new game was quite daunting, also attempting to meet and socialise with new people on a regular basis. It does remind me of my first few months with Tea Party and Tea Party where we would meet at regular. Now, however, attempting to have games is rare and very cherished. And I think EZR8 is one of my greatest personal works seeing how much it has affected my players and myself. Although the game is not 6 years strong like the Oreos Legacy, EZR8 is a marvel at what and how I can help others, not at a professional level. Possibly this is a reminder how what professional art therapy may look like.
Which reminded me how strangely excited I was about the clinical placement. I was harping all about it during my interview and application for the course. And now that I am pursing it, it is hard to describe, even though it isn’t my first choice.
Labels: Annual Reflection
13:39
As with tradition, the eve of the new year is about reflection or recollection. This year can possibly be summed up as a year of reflection, throughout my different pursuits. A simple round up of major events:
MAAT
- NLB mad reading
- MAAT21 interview
- MAAT22 application follow up + counselling course
- MAAT22 deliberate art practice
- Reflective art
Dr. Esther’s help
- What it means to be different essay
- DDA21
- MINDS
- Jung, Bruner, Greene
Games and TTRPG
- DAI + DAO
- Ezr8 Requiem for Yuli
- Oreos DR character development + players fragment
- Saltmarsh URCHIN
Personal reflection on family situation and self
I think I tend to go through the entire year in reflection each time, highlighting the major events. Maybe I will try to approach the whole year as is, through reflecting on my reflection. The year I became partially silent and through my silence I reflected on what happened in 2020. The deep sinking feeling of acknowledging something painful and something you have absolutely no control or sway over, more or less. I am still tired. I really don’t feel like going through the whole year. Maybe I should just read the previous years and call it a wrap. It is an interesting experience to return to some sort of work arrangement, very liminal, odd but somewhat fulfilling, not sure if I’m slipping. Probably because it’s the end of the year.
This year I discovered and reflected on so many different things. A major one would be writing the piece about what it means to be different. Meant to be a small personal piece not entirely, but it helped me realise my position and how much I know despite how little I know. About difficulties/disabilities, misdiagnosis, what is expressive difficulty? Pretty sure, there’s something I have not everyone has. There is still a long way to go with a journey filled with doubts and apprehension. Still, sometimes a deep feeling knowing unknowing that it might not come to pass and the fear that may ensue. First new year’s eve in the long time that I worked, I felt rushed but then I don’t want to leave anything dangling at the end of the year, whatever it may suggest.
The loss of a part of me is apparent, in silence, i did the thing where i put them aways, gave them away to salvation army. Kistune broke, not exactly, I broke it. Now I occasionally want to have a replacement tablet knowing that Myrim is sufficient. More reflection and more revelation, struggling for acceptance. Reading Rogers, Jung and the book (body keeps score) very helpful to self, gives a larger perspective of my own experiences and what i hope to achieve.
I still think I need to read more. The volunteer turn work thing was interesting. Confirms that I have a need to do things, work on things, better if it’s for others. Thrown into art education through art curation, deep revelations about self and disability and perceptions of ability. Thoughts about why I am doing what I want to do. Also highly tolerant or not, and also very grateful for experience and what I can do and attempt to learn. All the reading and reflection, I wonder how much of it actually goes in? A lot of doing and learning new things, sometimes I wonder what would come of it if I do not get through. It is a strange liminal impermanent permanence that partially gives me strength, interesting that it is half-related to something I was previously so adamant against, yet here I am. Things change.
More of a realistic thing, because I do not have any real plans for backup. Not as yet. Working on the application intermittently has been quite stressful. Knowing if I have or not enough for my portfolio and have differing views of what I should submit adds to the complexity. It’s good to write and rewrite, though I think I have hit some notes. My previous statement was rather eloquent given that I had zero direct/indirect help. To write and rewrite, I do not read purely for writing, but it does help. I am still worried that I have not read enough recent materials, a little yes. But there is still planning to do. I want to take things as they come, something still extremely new to me, probably been doing this 3-4 years only or less. Always has a solid plan before, now it’s living in the moment and attempting to trust the process. Listening to podcasts, new and suddenly finding the gold mine of information in the subreddit, which I should have last year, could have helped, could not, but would have given more time.
In regard to this whole art therapy pursuit, the earlier part of the year seems like last year. The mad rush to read all possible books, got sick because someone was sneezing loudly. Then the interview. The redbull. Though I do not like to attribute cause to specific things, the redbull was possibly the tipping factor, more than anything despite not having an adequate portfolio. But I did learn. The course at Fei Yue was so eye-opening. Never ever had I dreamt that I could try counselling. It was surprisingly less about verbal techniques and more relational approaches, which was quite a booster, knowing that I had the ability to do something I thought was beyond my reach. And that I had the basic qualities for it, except that I was struggling a bit with actual verbal technicalities and pleased that I had passed the test, despite my anxiety.
Just read last years’. It’s really good. A nice flow to things. This current one I am writing is a bit staggering, maybe because I am not entirely in the mood for writing.
Maybe I’ll just continue. With regards to MAAT the most impactful would be how I transitioned from deliberate practice to reflective practice. Starting with one or two works in my deliberate practice which were unconsciously reflectional. I think the two most impactful pieces in the deliberate practice would be the model of “in session” where I completely ‘relived’ my deep love for symbolic representation and “to whom it may concern”. I think the painting was a transitional point where I gain full awareness of flow/automatic making/active imagination. I began to tap on the flow state and produce more insightful pieces, each one of them I am equally proud of, especially the mirror half-portrait, which nicely transitioned from the original idea. “Being and becoming” is still in between, possibly a little too into the artmaking, impulsively buying the sand. But I am very glad to have pursued these artworks finished and unfinished otherwise. Not quite satisfied with “born with horns and wings”, but satisfied with what I have created. Not sure. Tired.
Labels: Annual Reflection
22:13
Twenty twenty: a year that will live in infamy, not quite. Too many things happened. It is a year of learning, reflection, practice, and resilience. Many will say that this is the worst years of years: to quote a one such: a dumpster fire in a train wreck. Not quite, but I have had worse in recent years, this feels to me like an test of sorts, and it showed me how far I have come and how far I can reach.
It began very much a continuation of uncertainty and large changes from 2019 after mum was diagnosed and started going for treatments. After dajie returned back, things started to become more apparent that things were, well, not so good. The wuhan virus was already circulating around news/media in November and more in December. But whatever the case, I had to tend to the major changes at home and also my new challenge to gatecrash a NUS lecture for social work, while continuing with my other volunteer work: Playeum, Rainbow Centre and CCF. It was a strange sort of time, kind of liminal/transitional time of comfort yet movement, where you know something’s about to change. I think I started on the neurobiology coursera course: fascinating but a steep slope to climb. The news of Singapore’s reaction to COVID-19 came clear in April, before that CCF stopped all its activities late January. Rainbow was the last to go. It was just constant daily chores and driving and the online courses/books to read. What could go wrong. Apparently, everything.
The news of the circuit breaker showed me what anxiety really held on me, no one actually helped. I remembered it was just after mum’s M.A. at the supermart, there were loads of rumours about a lockdown happening, even with insider information. Then it happened, struck me down with a fear of everything, or not. Not sure if I want to go through the entire thing again on paper, or words, but it was surreal, was asked by Playeum to write a reflection/answer questions regarding how covid was affecting, and the very next day was the announcement of the circuit breaker.
Good news was that my games were now online and more frequent, I think April itself had 4 games? Kind of messed up my scheduling of the larger campaign, but it didn’t matter. Was forced into roll20 that I avoided constantly before. Realised my PC wasn’t as fantastic as I thought it was.
The constant stress from everything and changes made things terrible. People overstepped their boundaries and pretended to care at the end of the year only when prodded with a hot poke, only to deny/pretend. Whatever. Pretense immunity card will get you nowhere. Struggling with pain does not give you any excuse to give others, whom you know are struggling doubly hard, even more pain—that turns into a system of abuse and misconduct. Of course, flash your immunity card and pretense and denial. See where it will get you , see whom you will burn. Things got so bad that it returned to the timeless times from before. And that was when I knew that I had learnt, through myself and through others (in volunteering) that my strength and resilience is stronger than what it appears to be. I almost went, but I didn’t. I finally bought JOURNEY after so long. It was good. I think somewhere around the middle in between losing my readings/courses (tried to do stats and was so discouraged/unmotivated that I slipped away) to chores, chores that brought bad things and maybe good that I could not see before. Tested me, made others learn, made me see things in front of me that I thought I knew by hard. Bad times, but not the worst. I don’t think I want to go through all of it in detail this year, like I have done so previously. The whole bullying or negligence through an oblivious state whatever it is called has worn me down terribly, but nothing short of a standoffish apology, that amounts to nothing. Nothing. Whatever the case, I don’t care anymore. No energy to. The transit from readings/courses to pure chores and chaos and eventually thinking of a part-time at rainbow. But it reaffirmed that the place was somewhere that could hamper my growth/learning. There was disappointment but a realization that I needed to move, and the plan from before—to use it as a platform to bounce up was just part of exploration, I knew it would not work but tried anyway. Then I thought if I could go in the same direction with a different boat, but then realized that if I wanted to try, I would be faced by similar obstacles and needed a course to validate my skills. And so if I needed an upgrade of sorts, I mind as well do something I am more familiar with and returned to Art Therapy. It was a long journey but one that made complete sense after I looked at where I have walked, there was no misstep or deviation, only exploration. But of course, I knew the difficulties during and after, it felt like starting all over again with more difficulty, even though I have done the work, but the work done is not common to how most people view work done. I am not so sure myself.
Also, during this mess of a time in the in betweens, I discovered more of myself, or rather I rediscovered about neurodiversity and how I fit into it. Is a +1 good, or it may even be a misdiagnosis, but then again, I will never know. I trust my gut, but my gut tells me more than what I should know. With this revelation, things start to become clearer, explaining more things, but also making others confusing. The more I read the more I learn and the more confused I become.
This is a liminal space, my liminal space. Then again, everything from then possibly 2015? Till now might be considered a time in between times, transitions of transitions. Possibly why I feel so unsettled, all the time, transitioning through transitions, what a load of nightmares. But I wonder is it because I am aware of this state that the symptoms become more apparent? Possibly, or just that it is the case of being aware.
The whole rush for registration was extremely surreal, there I was trying to apply for something deep down I think is a mountain to overcome and no one may give me the equipment to, because I would already need to have them, or the experience. Every day over and over again the same words and lines, the grinding and hyperfocusing. And the time I mistook the deadline, the anxiety was even greater than the announcement of the circuit breaker, but then again, this anxiety was something familiar and that I have experienced too many time, I knew exactly what to do and focused on the doing, the fear was still there at the back of everything and just shot with what I could until I realized that it was a mistake. Then a second mistake made. I realized that I was really tired but continued. I gave myself a timeline and a stuck to it. I had to. After that I had no idea, well I had possibilities but not entirely sure how it would pan out.
But I think I was glad I did extra work with my TTRPG planning before had before everything came together, I found time to give it time. Not sure what to make of it, but it has definitely made my players pay more attention to the game and their characters.
After constantly trudging through readings, chores with the occasional rest-work in TTRPGs, I had one day settled down back to video games. Actually, no for some reason or another I picked up ACPC DURING the announcement of the circuit breaker, gave in about 10 hours daily for the first month or so. Dived right in, was also the portal back into Reddit, where a substantial amount of time was spent. The adaptation of art pieces was soothing, and I realized it happened during one of the worst months, followed by the interactive story. That was maybe how I coped with all that shit. It was a breather in between everything. But what returning back to video games was so refreshing. Like hey, this actually existed, I kind of put them on the side maybe because of everything plus because I thought that TTRPGs were/could replace them, but realized each have their own uses. Even though I did spend quite a bit on BDO, it wasn’t quite as satisfying as single-player story/character-driven games, the games that made me so well versed in writing and making TTRPG campaigns. Playing Journey was returning to a time and space lost so long ago, even though it was rather unfamiliar and familiar at the same time (watching the play through several years ago) and reading all about it was different. And also, I have been stopping myself from acquiring more minis, and so happen the main supplier of my minis suddenly vanished into thin air. Both a good and bad thing. Anyway returning to the play through of Journey, it was extremely refreshing and solidified my stance using games as a tool beyond entertainment and education.
Eventually, to reward myself later in the year, like this month, I acquired two games just because they were on sale; games that I had wanted to play all along but never got the chance to do so, not exactly, but I have had my interest peaked by these titles, and also Hellblade Senua’s Sacrifice, something that has been on-off my radar for a very long time, since its arrival—turned out to be a game that I don’t really enjoy, because the system does not reward exploration and experimentation… But the experience was good, infact too good and realized I cannot play a long stretch at a time, it did really bring me back to times of old, it’s tricky to find a time to play with such restrictions. Control was completely binged because it explored a world that I was completely fascinated by, and yet not a lot of media have embraced this or have yet to in a style that is extremely engaging. There were a few pet peeves, but they had a “story-mode” that I used without hesitance, but I was not here for the grinding combat. The game really stirred my creative cogs and knew I had to adapt these concepts to another form—into the next EZR8 game.
Disco Elysium was the game I meant to play as Planescape Torment, but the controls were so bad. Disco Elysium is extremely refreshing taking on the cRPG genre extremely enjoyable but in a different way than Control, I see it was a massive novel that I needed to take time off to read, like a novel that you indulge with a cup of tea in a cold wet day without worries on your mind.
Ezr8 was really fantastic: from Animal Crossing to revenge fantasy with deep ethical morality Requiem for Yuli with stuff taken straight from Control seems like its entire premise is based around the trolley question. Will be fun to see how it plays out. This is my bed for experimentation and testing, both in methods and materials. Learning how to write more economically, but I still am bogged down with preparation—which may possibly be inevitable.
Oreos was equally or more engaging, in a different manner. They were stuck in a strange space between comfort and discomfort. They were comfortable with their characters and everything did not seem that challenging, but rather posed moderate danger. The revelation and upping the stakes did not have an intention I thought it would give, but the journey to get there did draw a few surprises. First dragon fight that was so surreal, was a time when real world restrictions affected the game so much. In the end, the escape from the realm came as a relief, with about a year in real-world time spent there.
I want to keep it short, but I think this reflection is good enough. I have had done my fair share of reflection, maybe not specifically of this year but moments in it spread throughout its entirety. I did learn about my high tolerance that is a double edged sword and has gotten me hurt badly by negligence or disregard. The invisible strength that I thought I lost was all the while more resilient and powerful than ever, sounding like some mystical ability, but it has truly made me realise where my priorities lie, that sometimes you need to learn to defend yourselves even from people who are supposed to defend you. I learnt more about myself, that my “weaknesses” that I did previously overlooked and think that may have caused all the troubles in my past has a name and has a method for regulation, it is hard and I would be on my own mostly because the other presence is just fake with disregard. I have come so far, I know how to fight and I will not walk down from one, I will just wait my time out if need be. Everything is uncertain and things will only become more uncertain. I do not know when I was transit from this transitional stage that I have been transiting since 4?5? years ago?
The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. Miles to go before I sleep…
Labels: Annual Reflection
16:18
Post-New Year Reflection
written on 22/01/2020
So i decided to complete it, it was not complete, in a lot of senses, more of a list than an actual reflection, that does not give closure. The last time that happened, it turned out very ugly.
Maybe I’ll focus on the transition and end-drawing stage, and the start of this whole thing which transistor from “on the road again” to “this is the way” (taken from the Mandolorian tv series).
I think I always had something for games, the idea of developing and execution of games, being in both processes. It started from a very young age, when i probably had games with myself that eventually grew to something very concrete and large scale as making games for primary school on an independent front. It’s probably that and stories that carried me through to where I am today. And it was probably when they collided in a revelational way back in end-2016(?) that it started to make sense. I think that link of seeing recovery and playing games (with stories) personally helped me a lot and seeing how effective it is on myself and reading that people are doing this professionally made me interested. As long as I can recall, I never gave the gaming thing a solid shot, did a few attempts mainly in polytechnic/post-poly but games were always about programming and 3d modelling and animation during that time, the tabletop gaming scene never really surfaced for me when it kind of died down early secondary when video games took the forefront.
Interestingly enough, running my own games and campaigns made me learnt a lot more about myself and particularly my limits and how I can actually push them, or should I say my potential to do things I once taught were impossible.
I toyed with the idea about using games for therapy (many names floated and left, but game therapy stuck by (easy to remember). I did take active steps, while pursuing art (somewhat strongly) to find out the feasibility in this game and intervention thing. Wanted to do a Masters dissertation in games and therapy, but found out or was rather told that what I wanted was not possible in the field of media/games/art. It was to take the next step to transit to things that are similar to it, i.e. art therapy and drama therapy.
I think the concept of Rolan’s character came by quite incidentally, was supposed to be an unimportant that was essential only for that quest, based on a side character of the novel. Little did I know that that fictional character and my attempts placing a mentally handicapped/challenged character had a part to play of what I am doing today. The completely two different treatments and reactions to the character made me even more interested in what people do things, behaviour — that lead me directly to something that was always underlying in my films as a film student- that of mental health, but portrayed as the exploration of reality and the made-up. It was there all along, and this is just something that propped it back up. Was supposed to talk about the transition from art, so whatever’s here was before the transition. Working with Rolan’s character actually actively made me decide this possibility that I might end up doing something completely different, whereas if I stayed with art, there wasn’t much of a deviation/”betrayal”.
Maybe I was already set in my mind, or I just wanted to try something that was unknown or new as the art thing felt more tedious—with too much work and little to no reward and the possibility of spending a lot of time in something that won’t work out, and knowing that what i was trying to do was not being an artist but running a business, that doesn’t really work out if it was on my own. Support was minimal and there was no real push to push onto the next step, a lot to do with the environmental support too, and how it felt like starting on the ground up and something that you are good at but actually you are pretty much mediocre with a few unique spokes and spans (whatever that meant). But strangely I still clung on, hoping that I could expand it, or rather thinking that it was the only thing I could do because if I went to the otherside it was going to somewhere completely new, seemingly without anything to help or guide me how or where to start. The next factor that actually made me confirm was that to be an artist and independent of being a business, or rather to rely not only on being an independent business it was to be a gallery artist. And i knew that returning to that was back to environments that did not suit me, and had a taste of it in art/film school—something that will possibly invoke more problems. A lot of ifs and maybes. But I worked mainly on feelings, now still so, but maybe a little less. It was that blocks that galleries on the front was interesting and fun, but the actual process was not something I would look forward to. So i stuck to this whole new game/therapy thing.
The first real step was finding out about this thing called play therapy, which was actually directly related to what i wanted to do. But it was galaxies away. I started to try to read up more on it, and failed to do so. I think i tried to apply to a workshop that was bluntly and rudely turned down, a more terrible experience than wanting to try out at IMH, which was sometime before this, before 2019. But in 2019, it was applying for the course and the discovery of play therapy. The strange wait and transit from “artist” which I hardly qualify myself to be unless i was in the booth with my drawings around me.
In between these two, the transition was the art fair which was surreal. Like in the middle of ending something and starting something that has not started and I have no idea about.
But it did ease in quite nicely after sending all the applications for volunteering and starting with the CCF immunisations was a good transition, kind of preparing myself for an unknown. And the fact that I randomly applied to Playeum, after discovering it when I was looking for a game-master like a job-position.
SHINE came by later, and was replying to an email during the trip, a very odd but satisfactory feeling, like yes! I had legitimate work to do, look at me working and emailing stuff. Maybe a sense of self/dignity after a long lull of not-work-like-art and 3-4? Years or recovery. 16-18? 3 years-ish. There was a short stint, never really talked about it, maybe i didn’t go for that meet-up thing that would may probably link me up to more contacts or another stint because I knew i wanted this or i was tired of that even though it was a very natural process like breathing.
Now cutting back for a moment to now, it is interesting to note that i had actually picked the “right” career in digital media - graphic design and video editing/filmmaking, their processes and function was exactly how I thought and being in it was almost as easy as breathing, just had to know how to complement the breathing and the work, but what got me was the interpersonal and expectations thing — ironic that i am on that path now. Part of me think that it might have been a complete waste that I gave up doing something I am so naturally good at for something that I struggle more of, but realise I was using another of my “superpowers” in this—a “superpower” I have no idea how to use. It is interesting that I have never tried to learn how to use it or may have possibly used it without conscious effort while directing and writing, still the application is a lot less than what I am attempting to try now.
Back to the past-post-reflection.
So the volunteering gathered up, eventually Rainbow became an option and all of them kind of bundled up together and I struggled quite a bit with CCF alone. There was this MSF one too, but knew it would not work out the moment I tried, but somehow did not push for an option within that would. Maybe I just felt overwhelmed by so many new things.
I must say that the experience from Playeum did build a foundation that helped me with the rest of the other opportunities.
CCF was like a cold plunge into this whole social service-volunteering thing.
Maybe because of the familiarity of installation art and art and craft, and that it was in Gillman Barracks did help me settle into the space. While hospitals are a familiar setting and games/toys are not uncomfortable, I think I still revel in the ability to create and observe and help others create. It was interesting, although quite shocking, how well i blended into the whole thing, even for the first day at Playeum. Not naturally, but there wasn’t any major noticeable setbacks.
SHINE was when I was more exposed to the specific age group and also more structured, and seemingly relatable experience of formal education by syllabus. SHINE was built from Playeum and a little from CCF. At that time, I had only a bit of contact time for CCF. But did feel like a world of difference.
It was probably of Playeum and then SHINE and noticing the special needs more intently that I was more interested in it, even though I had already signed up for Rainbow.
All these building onto one another, then the experience of Rainbow seemed like a “test” or culmination of putting what i had learnt from before. I was still very green, but actually through my time and Playeum and Rainbow, there was this feeling that I wanted to pursue to help. Mainly by helping them, they would help me understand myself.
The thing about the courses came in much later, when I was already in the jive of the whole volunteering thing. The anxiety and worry
Labels: Annual Reflection
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