okay, its 1216 am here and i'm lazy to create another blog atm (is blogger even still used??) so I'm reviving this one temporarily. why you ask? BECAUSE I am stranded in Canada with nothing to keep me company but moose, snow and a great big (in comparison to my sg condo) altogether-too-cold house. and I thought I should chronicle some of my mundane boring existence so at some point in time in the future I can look back and feel better about my hopefully-less-boring life then. Or look back and be jealous of my past self for the luxuries of time I currently can afford (a bit too well I might add) I cannot believe I didn't think of this before.

So, currently the last major event in the household has been the baking of the Virgin Chocolate Cake. Virgin because its the first chocolate I have ever baked in my life. And if the results are anything to go by, probably my last hahah. Okay, to be honest it didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would be. (Hurray for low expectations!) Because my sister and I completely panicked when we screwed up the "cream butter and sugar together" step. By screw up I mean it looked very much like mashed potato instead of the (and I quote) "light, fluffy ivory texture with the consistency of a double cream". I think the room temperature in my kitchen had something to do with it. Room temperature in this case being about 10 degrees celsius because central heating doesnt extend to the kitchen. (If you're Asian, I think you'd understand why we don't turn on the heating in the kitchen) I mean at first I thought, hey no big deal, I'll just chuck in the eggs and flour and it should become cream-like. Wrong. Apparently bakers from all over the world unanimously agree that this creaming of butter and sugar is THE most important step. If you screw it up, you can forget about the cake, maybe make some cookies instead. Or you can continue with the cake making but it'll end up crumbly/unfluffy/clumpy etc etc and altogether fairly unpalatable and un-cake-like.

I still chucked in the eggs and flour anyway.

 ( Because all cakes are not created equal. In order to taste beautiful delicious light spongy cake, one must first be able to appreciate how bad a cake can actually get. At least that's my logic.)

And guess what? The cake turned out PERFECTLY FINE. Sure it was a bit more crumbly than I liked but it tasted pretty fluffy to me. The major problem ended up being the fact that we didn't exactly mix the flour, baking powder and salt very well. But either ways, I declare it a success yayyy. A snapshot of the belle du jour:




Here's the recipe if any of you out there want to give it a go. I'd say add a little less of baking soda maybe 3/4 teaspoon? And you could probably go easy on the sugar. Or your beta cells in the isle of Langerhaans of the pancreas could be in for a workout (sorry, latent A level knowledge). Ciao!

P.S. wow that was a lot longer than I had planned in my head.

so.....my eyas ended (or at least the majority of it). i should feel absolutely elated/ecstatic/simply out of this world right now but all i feel is nothing. nada. zilch. except maybe a big black hole which just equates to nothing. i thought id be jumping about, crazy as ever, or at least smiling but all i feel is: nothing. which sucks big time. if im gonna get stuck in an emotional doldrum this is definitely not the time. maybe im a robot hmmm.......


anyway, this is a major party pooper. i mean, this is practically the light at the end of the tunnel that ive been trying to get to for like the past xxxxxx months and then suddenly when i get out, i hit a wide expanse of hot. sandy. desert. and i can tell you, the shade definitely seemed nicer. i mean sure i still have my math paper, chinese and french but i should at least feel some sense of release of some small degree but all i get is this.. this....infuriating indifference. maybe it was the fact that i majorly screwed up my physics exam, or maybe it was my crappy french prelims, i dunno but if that were the case, i should be feeling angry/disappointed (well french not really. considering i didnt study much) or upset not this 'oh okay. so....what's next?' kind of feeling. rarghmamapapaya.


and to top it off, my mom wont quit nagging. why arent you doing chinese? why arent you doing math? why are you reading a book? why are you using the computer? etc etc etc for heaven's sakes i thought people outgrow the WHY stage of their childhood. apparently not. but i supposed its not all that bad. at least im feeling something: annoyed frustrated and majorly pissed. 

so ive thought about it, and decided, this blog is getting too negative. so i shall post something cheery instead ^^ despite my crappy day. which is just in essence, my mom provoking me throughout the day. its amazing how she can somehow turn every single thing i do against me. i should just lie there. oh wait, then shed call me lazy. okay im ranting again. right. back to love gives me hope. (<-- you can actually click on that) just stumbled upon it and all those little stories do give me hope. i've decided that regardless what happens, I. WILL. SMILE.  (think of smile by charlie chaplin. for a guy doing soundless picture, its pretty ironic he has a song :P ) 


but somehow, reading all these little touching stories, i cant help but wonder am i really being appreciated? it seems that no matter what i do, it always go unrecognised. its not that im asking for attention, its just that somehow, nobody ever notices me. unless its bad of course. which is just odd. oh look at me going all negative again. anyways, the sweetest things are on LGMH. its absolutely touching. so on days when you feel that the world is just a big bad place, give this site a visit and you'll see that truly, every cloud has a silver lining(:

yes. its official. I. GIVE. UP. because there really is no point in struggling any further if you already have this preconceived notion that im a lazy bum. really. and its becoming more and more apparent. you tell me you want me to work harder. i do. you still tell me to work harder. i keep pushing myself. i get back my grades. im happy. and you take one look at it, and start picking out the million and one OTHER things except for my improvements. its always, 'you could have done better this' ' you could have done better that'. i have finally had enough. here on in, i am not trying harder. for you at least. becomes it doesnt matter if i work myself to bits, or if i dont at all because either way, you're just gonna tell me i still suck at a million other aspects apart from the one a painstakingly tried to improve. so. im done trying to live up to your expectations. you know why? its not because they're high. no. its because they keep changing so fast. it takes time to improve, i cant just close my eyes, say adacadebra, nod my head an DING up goes my grade. i know you are trying to push me up higher, help me reach my best but a little encouragement or acknowledgement of what ive achieved here and there wouldnt hurt. no. itd do good actually. have you not heard of the term 潜移默化 im sure you have. your chinese is so good. unlike mine right. and you say its because i dont make an effort. i concede. i dont. but do you know why? because every single time i do the assignment, you just use it as an opportunity to bash me lower and lower and lower. so i gave up on chinese. id never reach your standard. you only nitpick on my chinese because thats about the only thing you can nitpick me about (except math. you realise how i never come to you for help any more? its called constant jeering at my basics. yeah. my basics are floppy. yours are strong. so what?) do you know about my chem? or physics even? at the start of last year my physics was at 2.0. you told me that wouldnt do, i had to pull it up. so i did. now its at 4.0. and what do you do? congratulate me? tell me that its good im trying? no. you just mention it once and never talk about it again. now the moment i slip in physics even by just a little, you start your tirade about how physics isnt so hard to score, its applied maths. im human! i make mistakes! i cant friggin maintain it at 4.0 the whole friggin time. especially not with 10 other subjects  to deal with. but no, you dont consider any of it. you always like to take things out of context; view it as a separate entity by itself. jeer at my physics as if it wasnt at 2.0 last year.

about and now you think im a slacker. just because i borrowed books to read at home. hah. hah friggin haha. you have absolutely no idea, no not even the most tiny miniscule idea how much effort im trying to put into my studies. the other day, you mentioned how i was so much better in secondary 2. that was low. very low. 'you only improved your overall gpa from 3.1 to 3.2 this year right' sure that happened. and obama jumped of a building. i have had enough of you belittling my achievements. if what i do is not enough, then f it. f it all. go find yourself someone you dont need to nag at. go on. dont you always complain about having to nag at me all the time hmm? so after all these years, im throwing in the towel. i give up. im not gonna give two shits what you say any more because you obviously dont see me for who i am. in your mind im just a lazy bum who comes home, doesnt do homework, gets addicted to the comp, is surgically attatched to her phone and doesnt care about her results. in your mind, whatever i do has to be something non academically related, and something i do on a whim not because i have a BRAIN and actually USE IT to make decisions. in you mind, im just this impulsive girl who's spoilt, obnoxious and cant control herself.

and nothing i do is going to be able to change that.

today, during chem prac, ms tsang decided to educate us little girls of 16 a tad about the working world. starting off with chemical engineering. pros, cons, blahblahblah. as i sat there listening, i cant help but feel that my life is just whisking away (think WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH. down the toilet bowl) somehow or other, we wander off to the topic of having kids. and im thinking, 'what the hell man. im sixteen. friggin sixteen. i dont think im gonna have kids anytime soon -.-' but then she goes on to say how certain courses in unis for certain professions require you to take specific subjects in jc and it all comes crashing down on me: that one tinsy winsy itty bitty miniscule minute etc etc decision could potentially change (for better or for worse) my entire life. the only one i have. i dont ever ever want to make a decision that's so big yet so small at the same time! IM JUST SIXTEEN FOR HEAVENS SAKE. and i cant really decide. i have no idea why but i just cant. when i look around, everyone seems kind of sure what they want, me? i just go with the flow, study for the sake of studying, kind of like a robot (gawd this makes me sound like such a no lifer T.T)its just sad you know. i dont know what i want, what i hope for, wish for. its just what my mom wants for me. hopes for me. wishes for me. pretty clear who's in charge here. (dont believe? the other day she went, " hey what are you taking for jc? you better take french okay. its important. it'll get you a good job" im still taking french because its on and off enjoyable. but if im stacking my grades on it. haha good luck folks.) 


thinking about this, i've realised the root cause of all this. society. society and its friggin norms. everybody wants to grow up, go to an Ivy League university or something similar, get a high paying job and then what? there'll be no end to the money you earn! im pretty sure out of all those people out there who want to be doctors or lawyers, the motivation for most of them is purely because of the money, or because their parents want them to. im not saying it wrong im just saying im sick and tired of society and its expectations. you're only successful if you're a high flyer, with a high paying job, a decent house etc etc. sometimes i think it was better to live in the olden days, less pressure, more emphasis on the living of life etc. i think people were way nicer then too. maybe its just all those fantasy novels ive been reading giving me all these unrealistic idealistic utopian view of the middle ages but ive got to say, i dont really like how the world is turning out. people are getting more and more sedentary and with all the money, they're simply missing out on the small wonders life has to offer. think about it.


in other news, for the first time in my 4 years in rg, i missed 4.0 by 1 mark and i couldnt care less. seriously. i couldnt care less.

finally all the hectic school work has stopped. temporarily at least. until week9 >< but that's far away. we shall not think about it. when the time comes, you might find me rambling once again about that. or complaining. either way, IM BACK(: missed me? duh. cos im too awesome xD *ego ego*

back to the topic. whatever that is.... next post!

its been so hectic i've never really gotten around to writing but i really need to get this out. lately, i dont know why but everyone's just been so depressed its hard to stay positive you know. and just now, my mom declared (rather loudly i might add) that im such a disappointment. why cant i just grow up. how i was so much better when i was a kid. yeah i wonder, its not that ive made a conscious effort to be bad ( i dont think anyone would tbh) but why. i wish i could be six again. or seven. or eight. eight was pretty awesome. hah i feel like such an old bitter cynic. and while im writing all these, there's this little voice inside of me telling me its okay, you'll get through it, you're not that weak. c'mon dont you have more guts than this? it just sucks you know sometimes, always getting beaten down. 'you're not good at this, you suck, why cant you be more like so and so.' gawd i sound like some kid with self esteem issues. except i cant help but wonder, is that what i really am? i dont really know who i am anymore. i feel so fake. everything feels fake. people smile, people hate, people lie, people ignore. and then my mom told me to grow up. that's the problem. i dont really want to lose the kid in me. i like the kid in me. and i promised myself i'll never ever lose that. but now i really wonder, should i cling on to that. sure i can be jaded and all but what's the fun in that. maybe that's my problem; i cant let go, everything needs to be fun. sigh. see how lah. as of now, life sucks.

(im typing this like wayyy wayyy after but heck care)


friday the fourteenth was THE day for free blocks. of course you could blame it on the ongoing workshop for teachers but anyways THAT is not ze point.let me show you my wonderful schedule on for every other thursday:


bio
english
recess
math
chem
lunch
ss
rs


and heres what we actually had on that very special thursday:


bio(relief)
free block
recess
math
freeblock
lunch
freeblock
rs (kind of a free block. mixing alkalines and acids are fun xD)


epic right? and to top it off, we had a mini class party with FREE FOOD :O :D :O :D good food might i add. now you must be wondering why but i must enlighten you as to the geographical location of my class. my class is on the 4th floor right next to the clc. what a wonderful ulu place right? well we have our benefits, say in a hypothetical situation wherei a teacher's workshop happens to be held in the clc, and food is hypothetically catered, the hypothetical extra food can then be consumed by the nearest class right? hahas.


to end the day, we had a baroque concert. at the esplanade. soso i suppose. we ended up getting stall seats cos it wasnt even full in the first place :D did i mention we indulged on a lot of chocolate before that? its probably gonna kill my throat but its CHOCOLATE :D 

thats a whole mouthful of 'T' huh? yeah yeah i know i was supposed to update and all but sec 4 is turning out to be quite a rough ride.by right, im not even supposed to be here but i was doing el and i just had to get this out. today was by far one of the most horrible days. sure the no. of free blocks ive had so far is like a total record but the impact today left on me really outweighs all the little bits of happiness i got from those great free block (AN: if this post sounds really disjointed and disorganised with a hugemongous amount of errors its because im really really spaced out and disoriented now. not to mention really tired -.-) its really shocking, the news i mean. i probably shouldnt say further but its just grr ahhh pachinks bleargh meh shocking. i hope it has a happy ending at the very least. ugghhh this is just too depressing. 


anyways, on to more happy/funny things, today, voon and i bent a key. yes you read it right, BENT.A.KEY. a METAL. KEY. it was more an accident really.because when you're trying to pluck a key out of a lock with a very very vice like grip, you inadvertently resort to turning the key via your body weight and some clever stomping (especially if said key and keyhole is at the bottom of the door). and sometimes, carefully calculated stompings can go quite awry and it very nicely results in a bent key. so there you have it, the story of the bent key. but thats not all, im positive the lab wanted to kick us out after 5pm (the stipulated time limit we set ourself!) because a) the monitor of the computer blanked out. like SUDDENLY boomz. b) the air con switched itself off. now aint that brilliant, its roasting us amidst the computer heat. c)the keyhole finally let go of the key, and without that much cajoling too! :O *gasp* and as i said before, said key turned out to be BENT, so we tried restomping it the other way to unbend it (given my previous experience in rebending bent metal, it probably wasnt a good idea since it actually ended up with a broken aluminium mop handle x.x) either way, it refused to be ironed out straight so we very sheepishly had to tell mr xu about the bent key. the contents of the text went something like this:


We kind of tried to bend it back by stomping on it a few times, now it is about 5degrees bent. We think still can use. But it got stuck in the key hole for about 2 hours thats why we suspect we might have bent it when trying to yank it out.


i can almost imagine mr xu laughing at this. lols.