原地打转的我， 累了。

In the recent years, I've questioning what's happiness for me? I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I don't need more materials wants such as I don't need a condo, a car (my wish since young). To the extend that I have to tell myself that I don't need someone whom i love or love me to death to be happy. Am I self deceiving myself? Maybe... Why do I don't deserve a happier life like many others? 

Honestly, I do question what's life, what is the meaning of my life without everything I want (basic needs are granted), including having some things to look forward to or someone I want to share my feeling everyday. There's absolutely zero excitement in my life, no fun and just constant fear of not able to complete my work to meet expectations. Worrying for losing my job or being made absolete in this cruel corporate world. Not helping when I'm getting so tired everyday with insufficient sleep and stress at work. No one to love and take care of me, including my mental health. I wonder when will I ever break down one day....

My relationship situation is so complicated, I cannot comprehend my current marriage after 8 years of loveless marriage. I've actually wondered many times how long more can I sustain this, am I going to live in this kind of marriage till I die? In my mind, I'm really scare... I've no courage to undo everything and return to zero despite not deriving any love from this marriage. Many would say just end it and start a new life, I know it's possible but I really don't know how to convey this to him, because he believes that everything is fine until today. 

What can I do to change my unhappy life? Do I have the power to make myself happy again? I really wonder..... I'm so tired of leading a life like this till this age, I'm already 41 years old, under achieving and feeling lonely all the time. From time to time, I do feel very lonely and cry in silent. Nobody knows all my inner wounds and sadness behind the mask of smiley me. It's so tiring to act 24/7 to look happy to everyone, it hurts me to see others living in happiness, with loving husband and children. Everything seems so perfect in others life though I know it may just be a mask on social channels too. 

People come and go.... People move on for their happiness and I'm still in the same unhappy state until today. I feel very lousy and useless..... Why do I have no control of my life and get to live a happier life? What have I done to deserve this? 

A very emotional post but I will be fine.....Just wanted to write down my thoughts at this moment in time with the recent happenings. A nice song that sings to my heart to end my post: https://youtu.be/3iBMItHIYoc.

Ready for second half of 2021?

It has been a while since I've updated this neglected blog of mine. A lot have happened in the last 2 years and I've entered into my last 30s year last month, hitting the big 4 in no time. Sigh...age is just a number but it's a number that stress people especially when health condition is not great, aging is REAL with grey hair spouting our everyday, less energy to do much except working to earn my living. 

Time flies, here are we in the second half of 2021. Looking back the last 6 months, I'm guilty of not giving myself much time to self-care and take care of my health. In the past, most of us used to have overseas holidays at least once or twice a year to rejuvenate ourselves from work. We are all human and definitely need to take time to rest for the longer journey ahead. 

Work from home routine during the pandemic was (and is) brutal, with blurred line between work and personal life at home. Not to mention about the extended hours we spend to reply some emails into nights. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining and I do find my work exhilarating and fulfilling. However, my work routine also left no time for self-care mentally and physically. I know of friends who have managed it much better than me, having no issue switching off and enjoy their personal time to workout and spend time with their family and friends. I hear you, everyone has a choice and I'm aware that I've the choice. It didn't daunt on me until I had a heart scare few weeks ago with the condition call Vertigo, my body gave up and doctor couldn't provide any remedy except asking me to rest up. It's a signal that my body is sending to tell me to stop and rest, after days of working extended  hours, barely had <5 hrs of sleep for straight two weeks. I told myself I cannot go on like this as I've been doing working such extended hours for 1.5 year now, it's damaging my health and mental state for sure. Yes, I am tired, very very tired to be exact! I don't know how much longer can I endure such lifestyle without the freedom to go out to have fun, travel and meet up with friends like in the past. I felt my world has been locked in a empty space during COVID-19. 

Though many envy my flexibility to work from home for the long time, saving up lots on time, transport and dining outside. Have anyone wondered how much more interesting our lives were pre-COVID? We can meet our friends for dinner, go for a movie, sing ktv and have meals with our families freely. Where have all the freedom goes? I feel suffocated at times though I understand the importance to do our part to control the pandemic as a country. I've seen so many countries struggling to manage COVID at the beginning and many have already loosen up on travel advisory as well as public engagement given that we've fought the COVID-19 war for 1.5 year now. I miss the interactions with colleagues and friends, I miss the freedom to go anywhere we want in bigger groups, I miss not having to wear masks everywhere we go. Thinking back of the pre-pandemic days, I realised we have all taken small things in life for granted, including dining in a hawker centre with family. 

I know COVID-19 maybe here to to stay, it could evolved to be a common flu where it will never go away over a long long time. I wonder when is the day that we can resume our lives like normal, going to work normally and have more time to ourselves and our family and friends. COVID-19, are you done yet? Can you just pls leave the earthlings alone and let us lead our normal lives pls??

Last Sunday, I had my first dose of Pfizer vaccine jabbed. Thankful for no major side effects and I'm looking forward to my second dose vaccine 4 weeks later. Even knowing that vaccine doesn't provide 100% defense against the virus, I'm still grateful for our government's arrangement to have free vaccine for everyone in Singapore to reduce the chance to get serious fatality if COVID hit us badly one day. The process to get vaccinated is seamless though I've waiting for a long long time for the last group of Singapore citizen to be scheduled for this vaccine. Everyone in my family were vaccinated long time ago because my Sis and BIL work in healthcare industry. 

My life has really been just work and work since the 1st day of WFH arrangement in January 2020 during my last job in red camp, no joke to be working 100% at home for the last 1.5 years. Literally feeling like a freelancer now. Diet has been bad with all the food deliveries since I can't cook anything decent, weight has been adding because of the lousy food I take and lack of exercise including walking (my house is just 92sqm, not much space that I can walk around except from workdesk to toilet). I'm totally leading a SEDANTARY life at home, pls don't ask me why I'm obese now. 

Dreaming of using my travel budget saved for the last 1.5 year to see Aurora Borealis in Finland some day when the border is open again. It's one of the many things that I want to do in my bucket list. Prior to the pandemic, I've tried to convince myself that its just "lights" in the sky and it's not worth spending so much money to go so far to see them. Now I think otherwise because what if I die tomorrow in my sleep and I've not witness this magical lights that I've yearning to see with my own eyes. Can't wait to see it some day! 

Till the next time I have the mood to write down my thoughts. I should really pick up writing blog again so that I've records of my life and feelings when I'm gone. Recently watch a very meaningful Korean drama call "Move to Heaven" which illustrates the professional of helping deceased to clean up their belonging for their loved ones. Why do we human only see those details and start to treasure a person when the person has gone to heaven? Life is very short, yet most of us are constantly working to meet our ends without appreciating the little things in life and spending more time with our loved ones more. I'm again guilty of devoting my entire life to work, which is why I've signed up for part-time course on Digital Marketing which has just started. Good luck to my self-improvement journey! 

COVID-19 & my "special" 38th Birthday

This year's birthday is probably one of the most "unforgettable" one because of  COVID-19 circuit breaker measures implemented in Singapore. Before COVID-19, I have always thought that I cannot work well at home, thus prefer to do OT in office most of the time. Now that I have got a monitor, keyboard, laptop riser and work table setup, I think I can perpetually work from home! Haha...not really liking it because lack of proper lunch break, social life and opportunity to walk while travelling to and fro to work. Crazy period to get fat and gain weight!

Been working from home since mid February 2020, good 4 months plus stuck at home..plus transition of job from red camp to v camp. Started working from home on Day 3 in v camp since 18 Mar 2020, luckily able to collect laptop and staff pass to access VPN at home. It has really has been AN AMAZING JOURNEY, trying to figure things out myself without any guidance since there is no one else in marketing in Singapore office. Indeed a very different experience to do self-on boarding and asking everyone else on what has been done. Being in a regional role is to have opportunity to travel but now due to COVID-19, all travelling is not possible and everyone get stuck in Singapore, even getting busier as everyone seems damn free to have endless conference calls everyday. 

My first 4 weeks were spent on many back to back conference calls every single day, both day and night times to catch up with Singapore, US and UK colleagues. First time feel that there was no honeymoon period and literally thrown into the sea to swim on my own. If you ask me, its not fun at all and totally tiring to do night calls every night. With this kind of experience, I believe I will not be looking for a regional role in the next job, still need a life after work! Cannot quite imagine I cannot meet friends for dinner after work or do what i want given all the night call schedules. Just hope that I can manage better with less calls after 2 months in the role, not liking such lifestyle for sure. 

These few months has really been a different lifestyle working from home, not able to go out to eat meals because only can order delivery to bring home to eat. Really pity those essential services folks who have to work but cannot eat in hawker centre or foodcourts....find this measure quite ridiculous lah. Saw people squatting in carpark and staircases eat their meals is really very pathetic, especially the cleaners and workers who work very hard during this period of time to ensure tip top hygiene. 

The circuit breaker period also make me wonder why so many people have so much time to do all kind of stunts such as cooking like a chef, exercising and posting on FB or Instagram everyday on their conference calls situation etc. Its really quite a joke when there are so many freaking free people able to cook 3 meals a day and go jogging everyday during CB period. No need to work meh? Then why am I always so busy and wake up early every day to have meetings while i ended my calls late at 12mn of 1am. Simply crazy and super imbalance indeed! Totally don't understand why i have this super giam cai mia when it comes to work, always have to slog so jialat jialat when everyone seems to be enjoying the WFH arrangement. Maybe that's why majority of people would prefer to WFH even after CB is over....I am really missing the routine of going to work, wear nicely and have some make up to feel good going to work. Realised that that's another important element of worklife, everyday seems to fly just like that with no clear differentiation of work and personal life at home. Being cooped in a small house like that can really cause mental stress and affect one's social or communication skills man! 

Since the CB period started, I have stopped having weekend gathering with sis and family, only able to visit mum to see her every weekend when she goes back to her place due to the regulation. Terribly miss my nieces and their noise already....Glad that we can do occasional video calls at times. This has really changed the way that we lead our lives, just work, sleep and Netflix everyday is really too ultimate boring!

This year's birthday was also ultimate simple with no fanciful dinner or meetings with friends. Some ex-colleagues did virtual Zoom celebrations together but really its so different lacking the human touch and fun seeing face-to-face. Really miss hanging out with friends and going out to have meals, shopping and watch movies. All these are missing out of our lives for the last few months and going to continue for the next few months.....Though i don't feel very affected because very used to the mono life now, I am really super looking forward to end of this COVID-19 situation then we can all resume our normal life again. Just too much to say in one blog, been so long since I wrote a blog and I thought would be good to record my feeling and situation now given CB measure, probably first time in the entire Singapore history....First time to see shopping malls and eateries closed for longest time, so many people livelihood affected, really very worrying. 

Meanwhile, stay safe and pray for COVID-19 to end very soon! :) Hang in there! 

Finally a career break

As the title states...in short it just mean I am officially unemployed! Yes, this is by far the most daring decision that I have done so far. I have resigned from the famous ~A..W..S~ job which I have been yearning for years. It has always been my dream to work for giant like A..W..S, G.o.o.gle or F.B. because of the global MNC exposure and established products. No doubt, it is a large MNC with products that I truly believe that works and will have lots of fun doing marketing for this big giant. Nevertheless, the higher the hope, the higher the disappointment. It turns out the job scope of the Program Manager role is totally not what I have expected and the company culture was utterly cold and silo. My role is just to ensure that the online conference go well with perfect recorded videos and coordinate with speakers, solutions architects on the content for each event. Seriously?!!! This is more like a conference producer or coordinator job bah?! Believe it or not, I have reviewed countless video which last 30min each over the last few weeks and I find it a total waste of time to catch background noise, masking of account details or unnecessary movement by the presenters. I believe this could be done by video editors and not program manager. 

Over the 4 weeks spent there, there is not a single day that I feel happy or motivated to go to work. There is no one to greet you good morning in the morning or bye when we leave the office, there was absolutely no one to eat lunch with, no one to ask questions when I am in doubts and a super nasty peer who constantly pick on me. All these just add on to the frustrations working there, not just mismatch job scope, everything else failed and I really cried secretly a few times over the last few weeks. This is really not the life that I want to lead even though the package maybe much better than any other jobs out there. I asked myself everyday if I can hang on and just suck it up for the pay, the answer is "NO!" because I know my health is affected, my emotion is unstable and I am worried that I will go into depression being a work machine with zero emotion and zero friends at work. I have reached the extent of feeling nauseous for weeks since I was there because of the stress and insomnia that I get because of all the unreasonable deadlines given to me. C'mon, everyone needs time to learn and do things better, don't expect someone to fly when I am still learning to crawl, maybe my pace is simply too slow for them.

Maybe its just me, the others seems to be adapting well to such a cold environment and focus on just working non-stop (including skipping meals) and working 24/7 (including weekends). The super nasty colleague named P.L. is a super bitch who keep bad-mouthing me though she was suppose to guide me since she has been in the company for more than 2 years. She just acted really nice but always give sarcastic remarks and bugged me non-stop even on weekends for work updates. To be honest, she is NOT even my boss and she has no right to assign work to me at the rate she did. Every night 10pm send me emails to tell me to get things done by 10am the next day is so so so unreasonable. I know the event is nearing and a lot of things need to be done but she is the more experienced one and why should I take up so much of the workload though I am entirely new to the company??!! Puzzled...and the boss H.B. just barely speak to me for less than 1 hour per week to find out how am I copying without guiding me about the work that I am suppose to do as she is simply too busy for anything (including not even having a team welcome lunch). I don't fancy treats or what but I just feel that this entire company has no feeling and only focus on endless work and chasing numbers. I know this is NOT wrong but everyone is a human, spare a thought and build relationships for others (especially the newbies) are so important to help newbies to blend into the team. I think she totally missed the point of team management and focus only on getting work done timely. There are million times she told me that she has to deliver the work on time no matter what it takes. 

If you ask me, I feel so at peace when I passed my resignation letter to the boss. She wasn't expecting it but she has been telling me all the negative remarks from the team, mostly from P.L. (the nasty bitch). I seriously don't understand why I can screw up so badly with human relationship when I am always neutral or friendly in any work environment. I think this company culture really don't suit me well bah. I tried to ask colleagues for lunch but they refused because too busy or have meetings during lunch. Seriously....can't they take good care of their health than just work endlessly? It kept me thinking...so what if I earn a lot of money in this job but my health is entirely destroyed? It will probably shorten my live span by 10 years if I work 1 year in such company. So my conclusion is: Not worth it! Don't waste time anymore, move on for better job! And thus I ended my short 1 month stint with the famous A company. Nothing is more important than my health and happiness now, just need to have a job to sustain my simple life, though I shop online quite a bit but not to the extend of extravagant and branded stuff. 

I am telling myself everyday to stay positive for next better job opportunity, though it is scary to be jobless which equate to zero income. I do feel more relax and no one bugging me non-stop for deadlines and deliverables. I have finally got a well-rested weekend after 4 weeks in the A company, honestly didn't had any good sleep in the last 4 weeks and always wake up at 3 or 4am thinking of work. How terrible right?! I am so sure that this is not the life that I want to lead no matter how good is the package. Get a life! 

The jobless worry is real but I know as long as I keep trying and be thick skin to ask friends to refer suitable job, I think I should be able to find a job in the next 2-3 months. Keeping my finger crossed! *Praying hard for a good job with positive culture* because I really want to stay in the next job for good few years. Its getting so hard to adapt to a new job, new workplace and new people as we get older, its the truth that no one can deny. 

Meanwhile, I should probably think of a short trip getaway to recharge myself for better things happening ahead! *cheaper options since don't know how long I gonna be jobless*.

Psst...This is my FIRST post in 2019, I seriously don't know what I have been busy with all these months. I guess I am hitting my mid-life crisis at age 37 this year, praying that all will be well very soon. Keep me in your prayers pls, thank you friends! Hope to start writing more often to keep my life documented, maybe will be a good reference for friends who miss me when I am gone next time. LOL. Ciao!

Year of Dog 2018

2018 marks the third 12th year of my life - Year of Dog! Tada.....Yes I am still hoping to be in denial of being 36 years old this year. Honestly don't know how my days have gone with the wind after 30 years old. Life has definitely got more challenging and tiring (probably due to aging body and organs). This year is special, I am really hoping to make a positive change in my life so that I won't regret wasting my life for the next 24 year as I estimated my life span will be 60 years old given my lousy lifestyle and eating habits. I am just hoping that my body won't break down or get attack by illness before i get to 60 years old. Don't have to live that ripe old age if life is really that miserable nowadays. Perhaps leaving is better than leading an unhappy life after all, life is never a bed of roses but I guess 幸福是要自己争取的。

Well, life is indeed too short to waste it, feeling it especially when I am reaching 40 years old in few years time. Quote from somewhere I read from Lin Xin Ru's post on her mum: 

林心如的媽媽在離婚的時候，
對她說了一句:「一輩子太長了」 
這幾天林心如這段話被轉瘋了：
爸媽離婚，就因為爸爸向媽媽養的蘭花盆里彈煙灰…

我媽媽是那種下樓倒垃圾也要穿戴整齊的精緻女人，
在我12歲時，她和爸爸離婚了，
就因為爸爸往她養的蘭花盆里彈煙灰、扔煙頭，
多次勸阻無效……

親友來規勸，
她只有一句話「他人很好，只是過不到一塊去」
外婆氣憤的罵她
「你就是書讀太多，事兒就多了」。

在外婆眼裡，她的女婿高大英俊，
能賺錢，孝順顧家，
反而是女兒任性自私，
不考慮孩子和父母的感受。

她也很難理解媽媽痛訴爸爸的那些如不愛洗澡、
衣服襪子亂扔、吃飯狼吞虎嚥、沒空陪她、
記不住她生日、紀念日……哪能算是毛病，
男人不都是這樣的？

我至今記得媽媽帶我離開曾經的家時，
流著眼淚對我說
「希望你能理解媽媽，一輩子太長了」。

我16歲時，繼父出現了，
他個子不高，相貌平平，
但整個人看起來乾淨清爽，
笑起來很溫和，我竟對他沒有排斥感。
他會為媽媽的花花草草換上漂亮的花盆，
給媽媽新買的淡綠格子桌布配上了新的盤子碗筷，
為她的紅色連衣裙選一雙乳白的方跟的皮鞋，
給我用鐵環勾著的幾把鑰匙換個漂亮的鑰匙扣。
他會拉著她的手一起去江邊散步，
看夕陽和日出，去濕地公園拍攝花鳥，
告訴她每一種植物的名字和故事，
帶回幾根掉落的樹枝，
回家後插在古樸的花瓶里，
擺在我的書桌上。

媽媽熱愛研究菜譜，
每次她隆重的推出新菜時，
繼父會拉我一起漱好口、
衣著整齊的端坐在餐桌前，
模仿美食家一樣在媽媽期待的眼神中
從色香味上開始點評，逗的媽媽咯咯直笑。

繼父還是個過節狂，
他說生活就該有年有節，
有時有令，這樣歲月才有層次感，
不同的節日他有不同的禮物和慶祝方式，
他會帶我和媽媽在季節時令交換時到大自然里走一走，
看看時光的交替…

有一次媽媽生病住院，
我去醫院時看到媽媽的床頭放著一束百合，
水果切成了小塊放在乾淨的淡綠色瓷碗里。
繼父坐在床邊，
為媽媽旁若無人的讀著書。
旁邊病床的阿姨側著頭羨慕的看看這一幕，
我忽然鼻子一酸，
終於理解了媽媽的那一句「一輩子太長了」
確實一輩子太長了，不要將就…

假如一個人和另一個人在一起，
只是為了生活，而生活中沒有節日，
沒有驚喜，沒有感動，
沒有浪漫的話，
不就只是搭伙過日子嗎?

Love life, treasure life and be happy. Life is really too short to have so many regrets unfulfilled. Aspiring to be a happier person this year. 2018 please be good to Stareo, thank you. :)

Career Transition August 2017

Just this week, I went through an emotion roller coaster of ending my career at One Net after 4.5 years there, my longest serving job so far. Honestly, I feel proud of myself being able to strive through the last 4.5 years doing many things that I have never thought I could have done, including rebranding, corporate comm, crisis comm, strategic pitching for public relations etc. I have done so many events in the past that I see organizing or participating in events are becoming more like a norm now.  I have so much emotional attachment to this company that I feel that I own every single particle in the new office in the north, including the furniture, the wall paper, the tiles and colours of everything that we have chosen for this office 2 years ago. Time flies,  I will never forget the most difficult period where I was holding the marketing fort myself with my boss without much logistics support. Tough time is all I can say..... but I guess tough time don't last but tough people do. :) I am glad that I have been through this shit to get to where I am today, no regrets coz everything that I have done has benefited me in many ways, including building confidence to make decision, be practical about how things can be done at best effort and of course getting to know many valuable friends in the industry.

Coming to friend, I am grateful for a friend who have introduced me to my new job today where I started on 10 Aug 2017, immediately after my last day and a day of PH for National Day. If you ask me, why don't take a break. I REALLY WISH TO but cannot because of the 2.5 months wait that the company has waited for me. I feel bad to delay any day further so I have to forked out compensation to reduce my notice period to join this new company. Well...after spending 2 days at the new job, I can only say "good luck" to myself because I foresee super high expectations of my joining the team to salvage the products that I am handling though I am not really the pro yet. Sigh....well, since the new boss has so much confidence that I can help in this portfolio, I will definitely need to do my best to prove my worth somehow. However, the pressure is somewhat overwhelming...too many things that I have learn and start getting work done without any adapting period seems too much for me, perhaps for my age now. Haha...the colleagues are generally fine but just find the environment is simply too noisy and bitchy given that I love peaceful work place for thinking. Really cannot stand doing administrative work myself e.g. raise business case, request for budget, getting things from soooooo many depts just to get one simple thing done will definitely drive me crazy if I can't keep zen!

Within 1 week, I have transited into new job, new environment and new people around me. Starting to feel tired to adapt to changes as age catches up. Well, constantly reminding myself to stay positive and do my best for the new role, hopefully won't disappoint anyone including myself. Jia you, Stareo! ;(

Marathon without End Point

Would anyone run a marathon without knowing the end point? To make it worst, there is no family support, friends or emotional encouragement as you run this race of life on your own. 

My answer is "No" because I am a person who needs to know the direction and end goals to work towards. Running a marathon without knowing where's the end or if I am running in the correct direction will create alot of frustration within me. That's me!  

I need to find the direction in life to make my short life meaningful and worthwhile. 

Jia you Stareo! Stop procrastinating and move on!