seriously... i dono how am i going to convince my dad to just LISTEN to what my sister got to say..

i do understand from his point of view, how worried and how much he misses my sister and i do recongnise that my sister has mishandled several stuff.. but then again, i do believe we all have the choice to decide what we want to do in life. i noe we are all always babies in their eyes, but there has to be a point whereby they have to let us go.. is not as though giving her that one more year equates to how unfiilial she is and how she doesnt care abt the family, it's jus she has plans for her own future... even if it doesnt work out, is a life experience. parents just cant bear to see their children fail and esp for my dad, he wld always wan the best for us in his own ways...

so people, pls stop judging and probing into this matter as if it is ur own. there is a line drawn between being concern and just being pure kaypo...

so tired and the whole atmosphere of the house is always so tensed up after each phone call. so people, please, each family has their own matters so do not treat them as ur entertainment or a topic just to talk abt for past time.. thank you. 10:47 PM



HO JUN WEI!!!!!

i feel like i am addicted to my phone, at this time, everyday, i will just be by the side of my phone.. what is the situation now?

my phone is charging, and i am actually quite tired already and want to go and wash up.. BUT i am afraid once i leave, he would call and i would miss the chance in talking to him...

yesterday i was watching "swimming with sharks" and hence i cant talk to him...
i hv so much to whine abt..
that i hv not been studying.. that i had bad headache on and off these few days, that i really dont want october to arrive!!!


i miss you... i love u...


*Sheean*

11:26 PM



just wondering.. we r 20years old.. as in i m 20 years old.. what will happen in 10years time? 5 years time?
what would the colour of my life be??
as colourful as a rainbow?? that's wat everyone will want to strive for..


just want to be grateful abt many beautiful things that are in my life now..
that i m able to have my family members close to me..
a group of sweet, beautiful angels around me whom i know i can always go to when i m down and people whom really accept me for who i m...
a boyfriend who really loves me.. (and annoy me.. :P)


so many life stories i have seen, heard, experienced...
and today i have heard a quote that i will not forget.. which i think is very applicable to many situations
"Don't figure about anything that you can't figure about."


To elise:
i think u will never come to see my blog anytime soon.. or don even rmb i hv a blog.
but just want to apologise for not being there at the point when u need me the most..
but u know u can always count on gang.. we will always, always be here for u...
i love u babe.. :))


to clarice:
i don think u will ever know i hv a blog lah.. haha
but, i admire how brave u r, ur cheerfulness, ur positivity, and no matter what, don forget who u really are..
press on!!!!!!!


to myself:
be grateful abt all the little little things that are happening in ur life.



*sheean*






6:14 PM



I am sorry dear... i forgot to tell you earlier that i am going out.. i know i hurt u and disappoint u again... i am sorry... it seems like i m seriously an annoying and selfish pig... i am really sorry... pls dont forgive me so fast.. i don deserve it..

 as of today... i think if i don blog it out, i might just go crazy... so forgive me for another emo and 'oh, there she goes again- self-defeating and self-pity mentality'

 double blow today... as much i told myself to remain positive ( i cant even type properly now. shit! ), to think positively, i cant.. i curb my feelings and i though i would be fine after i start studying and focusing on marketing, but i still cant help thinking about all the disappointment and all the mistakes i made today..

 social worker's self-awareness time: i might be actually having many cognitive distortions and also labeling myself with my emotions. but how do i challenge all of them? i do think i am such a failure, always blank out during exams and in the end? cry.. that's all i know how to do huh... and to think that i do actually have a strong foundation in my malay but today then i realised how weak it was and how arrogant m i in overestimating my abilities. or in addition, i knew my mistakes but i just went on with it.. i only had four and a half hours of slp?? lack of concentration?? and i seriously need to revamped my studying methods... (this is what i told myself since idk how long ago)..

 maybe this is really my punishment.. as much as i did study, it is my fault that i harbour the thoughts of giving up and also allowing myself to slack off.. and also a wake up call to STOP HAVING MENTAL BLOCKS DURING EXAMS... how many times do i want myself to land in that situation again?!?! alevels, sem 1, sem 2 changing landscapes mid terms (when i study so much and so prepared and i flopped when i saw the qns), sw2101(which i kind of expected, but i didnt expect it to be so severe). cried in daddy's car, don think he noticed...

 as much as i tell myself CAP and results are not the only thing in life, ultimately what i do will be to become an effective and efficient social worker, but i know i would still be very affected by it as much as all of us are trying to deny it... placement is going to start very soon.. not giving myself any chance to make stupid mistakes, i am going there to learn and also to grow, at the same time, it is my chance to also pick myself up with another round of report writing, process recording, i got to do a good job....

 i am so tired....


 *sheean* 1:03 AM



It sucks to end the night like this... i am sorry...

i didnt mean to think that way.. i really didnt...
i just thought we were not on that topic anymore...
and you were just joking with me...
i was indeed speaking with a matter-of-fact tone, but i was just being very casual about it... im sorry for being so insensitive..

but it really does frighten me when you talked to me in that tone..
especially when i seriously didnt mean to make you angry and u suddenly just got so angry (from my point of view)

i am sorry....

i did just want to have a good night chat with you..
i dint expect to ruin it like that...
i am sorry.... 12:19 AM



omg.. i m freaking out.. i dono y i suddenly got a panic attack. i cant think now, i just cant seems to do continue to do my 2105 report, i thought i have everything settled and i got everything in control. but i cant seems to think abt anything now. i got no time and i dono why i just cant seems to type anything out. i am so tired of transcribing...and im left with a part that im stuck for such a long time..

breathe in.. breathe out.. i dono y i m feeling so stress and so scared now..


i can do it i can do it..
i got no time to lose already...
cant breakdown at this point of time. 12:15 PM



hello! im in school since 7.40am, it is an attempt to make myself productive.. if i take my dad's care to sch, i will reach sch abt this time, and i would be able to do my stuff without much distraction, but don think that im that hardworking k, is becos i am going to have my subject pool at 10.30am, and im thinking my time can be more well-spent if i come to sch earlier to do my stuff...

so currently,my mental state is: tired...
but im forever tired lah, so doesnt not make much of a difference, but im just very very puzzled, i get like 7hrs of slp, or least 6 hrs, y isit that i m still so tired every morning?! omg...

and just to rant, i hven been thinking of my sep, i dono y i just didnt have that incline to go..but suddenly i realised what i hv been missing out!!!??

i hven check ANYTHING FOR MY SEP... and i m still thinking shld i go anot.. but i think is abit too late..... to check things out and stuff.. :/

HOW HOW HOW?!!?!


I SHALL TRY TO ASK AROUND...

haiz....my own retribution huh..

*sheean* 9:38 AM